Ms Jadeviper, I looked at your orgasmatone site
would you mind if I made a few (hopefully helpful) comments?
( Enigmatic ™                 Voice No More                  ©, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:26, archived)

it's not my site
but I'll gladly pass on any comments. apparently there are a few known glitches and things just now
( Jadeviper was still alive on, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:28, archived)

ahh, ok I thought your husband was running it.

Ignore my ramblings.
( Enigmatic ™                 Voice No More                  ©, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:30, archived)

he came up with the original idea
and is one-half of the business partnership, but the site was made by a web design firm through the other business partner
( Jadeviper was still alive on, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:35, archived)

*puts in tin hat*
*retreats to bunker*
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:28, archived)

Why *do* birds suddenly appear
every time you are near?
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:17, archived)

well because
I like the ladies
and they like me
( Giant bunny jumping out like a large happy tourettes rabbit, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:19, archived)

My pockets are full
of squashed rabbits.
( Geordie Al, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:19, archived)

I wonder if the original intention of the song
was to conjure up an image of a cloud of malevolent, carrion-hungry ravens filling the sky?
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:28, archived)

I'd be profoundly
upset if it wasn't.
( Geordie Al, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:30, archived)

The
smell of rotting fish?
( Dekazer, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:19, archived)

I am made of oatmeal and lard.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:20, archived)

I've got a bird table on my head

( Jadeviper was still alive on, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:20, archived)

As opposed to a birdhouse in your soul?
/TMBG
( The Teviot Moose major 5th., Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:33, archived)

Because I carry them around with me
on a big pointy metal spike.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:21, archived)

But why
do they *appear*? Is it smoke and mirrors, or simple sleight-of-hand?
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:26, archived)

They dont just appear
you are short sighted and dont see them till the last minute.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:28, archived)

Curse my syphilitic blindness!

( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:30, archived)

This.
With cherries on top.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:31, archived)

Because
I have sellotaped bird food to my cock
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:21, archived)

you are Wile E Coyote
aicmfbs
( Jadeviper was still alive on, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:29, archived)

Hahahahahaha
Hahahahahaha
Hahahahahahahahaha
etc.
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:32, archived)

Free boobie suck ?

( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:34, archived)

free bird seed
obviously
( Jadeviper was still alive on, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:37, archived)

Same difference when you're lactating...

( Johnny Catfish - Yowsa!, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:39, archived)

I carry a
bird anti-cloaking device.
(Nothing to see, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:24, archived)

Because just like me, they long to be
close to you?

Or is that just daft?


Edit: I am eating you as I type this. Hmmm... toffee.
( Fenris temporary Lazarus, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:25, archived)

You're going to get to the
salty fish yoghurt surprise in a moment.
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:35, archived)

They follow the smell
of my rotting flesh.
( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:26, archived)

Look at the first one:
www.somethingawful.com/articles.php?a=3015&p=3
What could it be???
( Mr. Tea 'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh', Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:17, archived)

God's punishment

( Geordie Al, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:18, archived)

Spammity spammy spam
I'm working on a new project, targeted at students. If you're not a student, I give you full permission to think of tits instead of reading the rest of this post.

Basically, I'm making a website to assist students with time management (reminders, marks graphing, that sort of thing.) So, anyone who's a student, I'd really appreciate it if you could have a look at www.practicalpupil.com/ and email me your suggestions at the address there, and pass the link on to any studenty-types that you think might be interested. Thanks.

To make up for the spam, I would like to remind you all of the great things that are tits. Tits are lovely, most of the time. Unless they're granny tits. Saggy, baggy granny tits.
(s0WmVHAwZgpG, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:16, archived)

Saggy, baggy granny tits
GMTFH
( Lonewolf - O R'lyeh? Ya R'lyeh!, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:17, archived)

I'm not a granny
but I fit the rest of the description
( Jadeviper was still alive on, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:18, archived)

You're worse than me

( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:19, archived)

You have taught me everything I know.
*kneels before my dark lord and master*
( Lonewolf - O R'lyeh? Ya R'lyeh!, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:20, archived)

I name you
Darth Gayer
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:22, archived)

TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITS
TITITITITITITS.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:17, archived)

Don't you need some sort of feature
that wipes their pampered arses for them?
( Geordie Al, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:17, archived)

No,
that's what servants are for.
(s0WmVHAwZgpG, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:18, archived)

I don't need your permission to think about tits

( Jadeviper was still alive on, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:17, archived)

Anarchist.
Shouldn't you be out breaking things.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:21, archived)

You're the anarchist.
Look, you've just finished a question with a FULL STOP RATHER THAN A QUESTION MARK!!
(s0WmVHAwZgpG, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:25, archived)

Two exclamation marks?
Hypocritical unpronouncable named swine!
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:30, archived)

*unleashes flock of hungry tits*
*watches with glee as they peck you to death in teh face !"

Muhahahahahahahaaaaaaa !
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:18, archived)

Pfft!

( Bob Todd whee, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:21, archived)

Ha!
They merely murdered my unloved identical twin.
(s0WmVHAwZgpG, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:28, archived)

Time management for students??
Ahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
Dekazer's university career:
Part time job, pub, part time job, pub, part time job, pub, seminar, part time job, pub, stay up all night and write essay, part time job, pub etc ad nauseam..
( Dekazer, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:19, archived)

Nice idea,
but I'm enough of a non-spacktard to manage my own timekeeping.
( Bob Todd whee, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:20, archived)

If you want people to go submit your site
direct to search engines, directories and suchlike rather than wait on spiders.

Seems like a very good idea, BTW.
(Small Beer, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:20, archived)

The site isn't live yet.
I'm just asking for ideas.
(s0WmVHAwZgpG, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:23, archived)

Weelll....
I'm not organised, but do I really want to be organised :S
( sprinkles ITS AN ISLAND, morron, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:22, archived)

I never found time management
to be much of an issue. My poor performance at university was mostly a result of not doing any work.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:23, archived)

If kids are too stoopid to either manage their own time
or to just squeeze through their exams on basic brain power, then they're too stoopid to be students and should be sent down the pits or up the chimneys
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:24, archived)

This.

( Bob Todd whee, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:26, archived)

I hope you are both enjoying thinking about
big, bouncy boobies.
(s0WmVHAwZgpG, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:27, archived)

I didn't mean to be entirely negative
I'm sure the site itself is a perfectly sensible idea. I just have a bee in my bonnet about dragging mediocre people through education just for the sake of it.

Oh ... and "yes".
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:31, archived)

Very this, on both counts.
I want a sandwich now.
( Bob Todd whee, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:32, archived)

I was a student until just over a week ago.
Now I'm just unemployed :(

*cries*
(Nothing to see, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:26, archived)

Either get a job,
or present yourself at the nearest Soylent Green factory.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:29, archived)

Mykey??
Is that you??
(s0WmVHAwZgpG, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:30, archived)

NNNNNNNNNnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
I am become that which I most fear...
*flings self into active volcano*
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:37, archived)

downloads.sega-europe.com/recruitment/Games_Tester_Application.doc
( sprinkles ITS AN ISLAND, morron, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:55, archived)

Mirrormask clip thingie
...vaguely worrying...
(Withiel assumes the position!, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:43, archived)

I so want to see that.
Dave McKeane is fantastic.

As is Neil Gaiman, even if he does have a silly name.
( Lonewolf - O R'lyeh? Ya R'lyeh!, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:45, archived)

I am orf to buy a dvd
Any suggestions?
( Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:51, archived)

My First Sex Teacher, vol. 7
Or possibly My Friend's Hot Mom 3.
( Lonewolf - O R'lyeh? Ya R'lyeh!, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:52, archived)

I shall ignore this sage wisdom:)

( Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:54, archived)

we all know your going to get one of them

( Giant bunny jumping out like a large happy tourettes rabbit, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:06, archived)

I'm just trying to think of stuff I've seen recently that you'd like
and don't already have... Oooh, Dead Birds is damn good. Or the directors cut of Hellboy.

Both have a nice Lovecraftian flavour to them if Mr Tea is around.
( Lonewolf - O R'lyeh? Ya R'lyeh!, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:15, archived)

Directors cut of hellboy you say?
*counts pennies*

the beasties were lovecraftian
but hellboy is not a pale english gent with a heroin problem
( Giant bunny jumping out like a large happy tourettes rabbit, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:16, archived)

The three disc version is ace.
The mythology and beasties were but the rest of the caracters are not, I apologise for not being more specific. :-)
( Lonewolf - O R'lyeh? Ya R'lyeh!, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:19, archived)

:P
I'm just being a bit of a cunt
( Giant bunny jumping out like a large happy tourettes rabbit, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:21, archived)

Don't be silly,
you're always lully.

*huggles*
( Lonewolf - O R'lyeh? Ya R'lyeh!, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:25, archived)

Team America: World Police

( The Coast Of Yemen, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:53, archived)

Conan the Barbarian
You know you want to.
( Fenris temporary Lazarus, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:53, archived)

Got it already:)

( Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:55, archived)

Good man :)

( Fenris temporary Lazarus, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:56, archived)

I saw that in a garage for £4.99
I thought of you.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:56, archived)

Did you buy it and/or
did you become erect?
( Fenris temporary Lazarus, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:56, archived)

Neither
I bought some chocolate and put my fingers up my bum
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:59, archived)

can't you just
keep your loose change in your pocket like everyone else?
( Jadeviper was still alive on, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:14, archived)

Why should I be normal ?
*fights the system*
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:16, archived)

This one
here.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:57, archived)

The last film I bought was Layercake because I missed it in the cinema.
I was very happy with my purchase. Please note that my opinion of films probably shouldn't be trusted at all though. What I did buy on DVD that was definitely worth seeing was the Rolling Stones Rock and Roll Circus.
( Nimble Colin camera-wrangling, globe-trotting whisky enthusiast, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:59, archived)

I tried to watch that
with my girlfriend and her mate, they talked through EVERY second of the film.

It looked nice though.
( comrade yannovski and then, of course, there was the schnapps monkey, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:01, archived)

I hope that you have since killed them both
and buried the bodies under your lovely new patio.
( Lonewolf - O R'lyeh? Ya R'lyeh!, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:02, archived)

I thought layer cake was fupping ace
Dont be fooled by the gay "l4yer cak3" cover, it's a good gangster film.

No minge in it though.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:04, archived)

Well, look at it this way
I wouldnt order a kebab from "Hello boss, want a kebab" in Wycombe for the next few weeks.
( comrade yannovski and then, of course, there was the schnapps monkey, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:09, archived)

Well, yes
but does that have anything to do with the film?
/lives in Wycombe
/knows the kebabs of old
(Withiel assumes the position!, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:12, archived)

Didnt realise there was another wycombian on here
where abouts you from?

I was implying I killed them both and sold them for kebab meat.
( comrade yannovski and then, of course, there was the schnapps monkey, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:13, archived)

Well yes
I was implying that the kebabs wouldn't be any more offputting if there were human flesh in them

/Hughended Valley area
(Withiel assumes the position!, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:23, archived)

Really?
I used to play football for Hughenden. My girlfriend lives down Hughenden Road as well (Student). If you drink in pubs in town I have probably seen you before.

*Spooky music*
( comrade yannovski and then, of course, there was the schnapps monkey, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:28, archived)

I think I've seen
you lot play as well, some time last october...
/more spooky music
(Withiel assumes the position!, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:29, archived)

Now that is really spooky
at the shite horse?
( comrade yannovski and then, of course, there was the schnapps monkey, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:33, archived)

Christ no
I think it would have been at the Hub, but I was very drunk, and so may be wrong...
(Withiel assumes the position!, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:35, archived)

The Hub?
That was december then I think, only played there once. Strange, but none the less enjoyable gig. Made me feel very old though.

/24
( comrade yannovski and then, of course, there was the schnapps monkey, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:40, archived)

I quite liked it
but if was a wee bit predictable. A reasonable film of its type.

Edit: I was also like to point out that not just girls do this. theflatmate is the most irriatating person to watch films with. Ever.
( Dekazer, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:02, archived)

I was surprised because I expected something in the same vein and Lock, Stock and Snatch.
I'd also never seen Daniel Craig in anything and thought he was quite good. Now I hear whisperings that he is being mooted or the next James Bond.
( Nimble Colin camera-wrangling, globe-trotting whisky enthusiast, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:07, archived)

Did I specify the sex of her mate?
:P
( comrade yannovski and then, of course, there was the schnapps monkey, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:08, archived)

If you let your girlfriend have any male friends,
you're obviously an emasculated cuckold.
( Mr. Tea 'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh', Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:12, archived)

All my girlfriends have always had mostly male friends
probably because "girly" girls annoy me so much. That and being an emasculated cuckold.
( comrade yannovski and then, of course, there was the schnapps monkey, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:15, archived)

It's very dangerous to let your girlfriend
have any friends of her own. It may lead to *shudder* independent thought!
( Geordie Al, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:16, archived)

Frenchmen do it too.
*grrs at inconsiderate flatmate interrupting my viewing of anything to ask for an explanation*
( The Teviot Moose major 5th., Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:08, archived)

You live with a Frenchman?
I'd kill youself now, it's the only thing to do.
( Lonewolf - O R'lyeh? Ya R'lyeh!, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:11, archived)

Believe me the thought had crossed my mind.
However other flatmates were convinced that it would be OK....

The fact that he is an annoying, mysogenistic, racist, right-wing fuck-wit, who doesn't understand the concept of peace-and-quiet or lie-in seems to have passed them by.
( The Teviot Moose major 5th., Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:15, archived)

That was very good
I thought :)
( Fenris temporary Lazarus, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:02, archived)

bah :(
quicktime
( Jadeviper was still alive on, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:46, archived)

sfw?

( Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:46, archived)

yes.
unless singing robot things that do makeup are not allowed in your workplace.
(Withiel assumes the position!, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:58, archived)

We're sorry, this feature is unsupported in Firefox.



Cunts
( The Coast Of Yemen, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:52, archived)

They also offer to install the AOL Media Player.
As if there aren't enough on the market already.
(Small Beer, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:54, archived)

I should imagine that's just Media Player
reskinned like almost all of AOL's stuff.
( Fenris temporary Lazarus, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:55, archived)

works
for me
(Withiel assumes the position!, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:00, archived)

direct download for the plugin impaired
progressive.stream.aol.com/aol/us/moviefone/movies/2005/mirrormask_021141/mirrormask_clip_01_dl.mov

edit: 25meg
( spiny - things are looking up, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:07, archived)

Dekazer....
I've just been on the phone to MrAlfie... he's in the middle of doing a deal with The Sun for the Orgasmatones - plus, there have already been over 50 orders :D
( Jadeviper was still alive on, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:31, archived)

how exciting.

( Jobe, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:32, archived)

Over 50?!
God, which island will you buy?;)
( Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:32, archived)

that's just in the first day
with no advertising yet

*rubs hands in glee*
( Jadeviper was still alive on, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:34, archived)

And your percentage of each is?

( Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:34, archived)

I don't get a percentage
and we're not sure whether there will be interim payments or just keep it all till they sell the company in 6-12 months and get lotsandlotsandlots
( Jadeviper was still alive on, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:36, archived)

Hmm
well just dont get your hopes up too high you
( Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:38, archived)

50 tones
is £95 profit apparently. mob.tv is going to launch them in the next few days too
( Jadeviper was still alive on, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:44, archived)

After tax and advertising costs?!

( Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:45, archived)

aye
apparently
( Jadeviper was still alive on, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:46, archived)

Who died and made you chief bonfire pisser?
;)
( comrade yannovski and then, of course, there was the schnapps monkey, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:47, archived)

When you're filthy stinking rich
you can pay for my hand enlargement operation.
( Fenris temporary Lazarus, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:46, archived)

Keep them as they are, would be my advice.
You can then pretend you've got a massive cock when you're wanking.
( Mr. Tea 'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh', Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:48, archived)

I have no idea what you mean
*looks shifty*
( Fenris temporary Lazarus, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:50, archived)

just one?
you want to be Jeremy Beadle aicmswb
( Jadeviper was still alive on, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:48, archived)

I think you owe
mw half a coffee then. Instant probably. With no milk :)
( Dekazer, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:47, archived)

this ^
I have been in the recording business long enough to see so many used and abused artists while the business man gets rich.
With no deal on paper you may as well kiss any reward goodbye, friendship or no friendship.
( Enigmatic ™                 Voice No More                  ©, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:46, archived)

the "businessman" is my husband
so I'd hope I don't need anything on paper ;)
( Jadeviper was still alive on, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:47, archived)

I don't have
anything on paper. And I'm not going near your husband ;)
( Dekazer, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:51, archived)

he claims it's all
in the IM logs... I'm hassling him to sort it out into something sensible, including how often payment will be made
( Jadeviper was still alive on, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:56, archived)

I'd get it all on proper paper pronto
no matter how lovely you all are, disputes about finance are deeply twatty.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:59, archived)

This is my thoughts
But better presented
( Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:48, archived)

Wight
It's the new St Tropez
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:35, archived)

It was..
I'm afraid I tarnished at the weekend...
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:37, archived)

Christ on a bike
Thank god no one I know reads the Sun ;)
( Dekazer, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:33, archived)

this
need to tell K, Alfie played the bloke from the Sun his tone, his name's Guy and she did that one. he loved it!
( Jadeviper was still alive on, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:35, archived)

I just heard a good joke
Old statisticians never die - they just get broken down by age and sex :D

Now they're playing Tom Lehrer on radio 4. Heaven.
( Dekazer, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:45, archived)

You are so middle-aged

( Fenris temporary Lazarus, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:53, archived)

Ageing well
dontcha think ;)
( Dekazer, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:56, archived)

bit ragged round teh edges
but I guess you'll do...
( Fenris temporary Lazarus, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:00, archived)

*prepares revenge*
*quietly*
( Dekazer, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:15, archived)

note for when you buy a swish yacht:
I mix a mean cocktail and can clamber the rigging like a monkey on blueys
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:35, archived)

I cant mix cocktails
but I can tell you a few

/minces
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:37, archived)

And I'm a very good skipper


I demand only food, booze and light sexual favours to keep you from sinking en route to your destination...
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:40, archived)

Double dutch?

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:49, archived)

That sounds great!
I had a look at the site last night (looks excellent, btw) and I was wondering if you'd sorted out publicity. I reckon Heat Magazine or suchlike would like the idea.
( Johnny Catfish - Yowsa!, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:37, archived)

Loaded are already on board
and I suspect Heat are too. RJMobile is another one, and that's Europe-wide
( Jadeviper was still alive on, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:39, archived)

YAY! Remember us when you're too busy
snorting cocaine off the chests of young male models to bother with /talk.
( Johnny Catfish - Yowsa!, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:52, archived)

Or, indeed,
talc.
( Mr. Tea 'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh', Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:55, archived)

Heh! The 'natural high'

( Johnny Catfish - Yowsa!, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:56, archived)

Good luck!
You do realise that if they get as annoying as Crazy Frog, we will come after you...
( Newington, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:42, archived)

yup
but you love us really
( Jadeviper was still alive on, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:43, archived)

Selling your souls
to Rupert Murdoch?

Tsk.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:42, archived)

He's got to have something to spend his money on
now he's bought your arse.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:55, archived)

Having "We Love It" tattooed on my arse,
was the easiest fiver I've ever made.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:03, archived)

Hahaha
Geldof's such a knob, but occasionally he hits the nail on the head..

Radio 4, 2 minutes ago, re. our 'riots' yesterday. "There are a couple of hoolies up there.. They're just idiots with make up on". Nice.
( Dekazer, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:01, archived)

hoolies?

do they wear hoolie hoolie skirts and red feathers?
( Enigmatic ™                 Voice No More                  ©, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:03, archived)

Judging by yesterday,
mainly grubby clothes and clown make up. Oh, and the girls seem to favour fluffy things on their heads :)
( Dekazer, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:04, archived)

Arf.
(I'd say it's the other way around ... generally he hits the nail on the head but occasionally he is an absolute cocknocking nobber)
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:06, archived)

Hmmm.
I agree that vandalising things is shit.
I haven't noticed anything particularly nobbish about Geldof in the last few days, except that he's massively oversimplified the solution to Africa's problems (not the problems themselves.)
The riots will at least show the leaders that there's enough unhappiness among the people for a minority of them to start throwing stones. I would be much, much more happy if there'd been no violence, but that's humans for you.

And from what it looked like on TV, (a minority of) the police were enjoying the fight as much as (a minority of) the protesters.
( Newington, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:08, archived)

I was saying yesterday
if i ever win the lottery, next mayday I'd buy the exact same riot gear the cops have but in day-glo and tie-dye colours and distribute it to the rioters. If both sides are in full armour I don't think anyone would get hurt and I could sit back with a few cold ones and watch both sides beat each other into exhaustion :)
( Fenris temporary Lazarus, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:11, archived)

Yeah
I know the (violent) protesters are wankers too, but I can't help thinking if I just wanted to beat people up, I'd join the riot police and get paid for it.
( Newington, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:13, archived)

Bah
facist! Better to be the revolutionary than the oppressor but (un)fortunately we don't really have anything to revolt against really.

"Comrades, throw off the shackles of your moderately pleasant existence!" ain't going to inspire many people to start firebombing the town halls.

Just give me a AK, a cause and a balaclava and I'll be happy.
( Fenris temporary Lazarus, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:17, archived)

The problem with being a revolutionary
is that after the revolution, you are the establishment.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:19, archived)

The secret is to never win
and you can carry on blowing people up for ever.

/IRA
( Fenris temporary Lazarus, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:21, archived)

this indeed.
also, the current crop never win because they only riot against the establishment once a year, and then only if it doesn't clash with Ascot, Cowes week, Polo or Jocasta's 21st bash at ChinaWhite..
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:24, archived)

Jocasta's having a 21st at ChinaWhite?
Why wasn't I invited :(
*cries*
( The Teviot Moose major 5th., Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:25, archived)

I wish I'd turned up at the Countryside Alliance
marches. I would have liked a crack at the farmer boys.

I grew up in the country-side and they are almost without exception utter cockends.
( Fenris temporary Lazarus, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:26, archived)

Fighting
is just a way of expressing gayness in men who are in denial of their bumsexuality
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:27, archived)

I fight with
a woad painted dildo stuffed up my arse.
( Fenris temporary Lazarus, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:29, archived)

Then you have earned my respect
And possibly some semen in your hair
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:33, archived)

The mental image brought up by this post
has now placed my pants under extreme tension.
( Lonewolf - O R'lyeh? Ya R'lyeh!, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:34, archived)

Shat yourself
in fear? Or awe?
( Dekazer, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:37, archived)

Heh heh,
that's like the cartoon I saw with the guy reading in the 'Erotic Horror' section of the bookshop: he's got a one big bulge in the front of his trousers, and another in the back. :)
( Mr. Tea 'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh', Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:44, archived)

Oh yes
Same here. the odd one or two are OK, but mostly they need to the be strung up by the balls in their barns and their dogs setting on them.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:27, archived)

Haha
Did you see the programme about abbatoirs yesterday? Didn't put me off meat, but most of the people working there were vile.
( Dekazer, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:31, archived)

I thought they seemed like simple-but-decent folk
until some of them came out with some quite nasty viewpoints.

Thought it was a fascinating programme, though.
( Johnny Catfish - Yowsa!, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:40, archived)

The guy
with the tatts though! What a vile specimen. I felt I had to watch it so I could defend my meat eating. And I can now :D
( Dekazer, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:42, archived)

If you look in the Ladybird Big Book of Anarchy
you'll find that a public school education and a private income is obligatory.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:26, archived)

Trustafarians
and ethno yahs.

Edinburgh's stuffed to the bursting. Fucking bongos..
( Dekazer, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:27, archived)

What's wrong with bongos?
*hides bongos*
( Fenris temporary Lazarus, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:28, archived)

Their context
usually.
( Dekazer, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:30, archived)

There are only two acceptable contexts:
1) an illegal rave pre-1995
2) africa

edit: and 3) as a hilarious euphemism for breasts
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:32, archived)

4) nice little folky pub?

( Fenris temporary Lazarus, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:34, archived)

only when you learn to grow a proper beard
/harsh but fair
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:36, archived)

Dammit
it's the best I can manage!

*sob*
( Fenris temporary Lazarus, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:38, archived)

1. What you just said
2. Film
3. Sell by pay-per-view
( comrade yannovski and then, of course, there was the schnapps monkey, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:17, archived)

Erm
Lots of words. He was spot on in this case- the violent lot are just a bunch of eejits in make up giving their cause a bad name.

The police I've seen and spoken to this week have been great. I was sitting in a cafe on Bristo Square after work yesterday and the guys in riot gear came bluelighting the wrong way up a one way street and piled out and were completely relaxed! Surreal but heartening.
( Dekazer, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:13, archived)

That's nice to hear.
I'm sorry I'm moving up next week, so I'll have to live in all the mess without having seen any of the fun.
( Newington, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:14, archived)

It doesn't all
seem too bad - the Meadows is already clear. Most of town hasn't seen anything at all. You found a place yet?
( Dekazer, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:16, archived)

No
Looks like I'll have to stay at my dad's for a bit.

Do have one number to call but I'll leave it till toward the end of the week, since I won't be able to go and see the place till at least Monday anyway.
( Newington, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:17, archived)

Fair enough
You know if you ever move house in Edinburgh me and JV would fight over driving a Transit van ;)
( Dekazer, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:19, archived)

oi!
I'M the Transit queen round these here parts
( Jadeviper was still alive on, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:22, archived)

I thought it was 'tranny'
?
( Fenris temporary Lazarus, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:23, archived)

only
if I was a bloke
( Jadeviper was still alive on, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:23, archived)

do you find yourself
gradually developing an estuary accent, and mysteriously there is a copy of the sun on the dashboard after 3 hours? always happens to me..
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:25, archived)

drinking sugary tea
and smoking Bensons.
( Fenris temporary Lazarus, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:26, archived)

Nope
But my driving becomes appalling.

More appalling ;)
( Dekazer, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:28, archived)

doesn't matter
so long as the van is white, you OWN the road

It's even better if its LWB and high-top ...
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:30, archived)

They usually
are - I own a lot of stuff. Although the best van I ever had was an LDV actually, Transits aren't the be all and end all ;)
( Dekazer, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:35, archived)

I drove LDV
17-seat buses for a few years. Trying to get 15 pissed students from central London to Ullswateron a friday evening in one of those was always entertaining

Much better to drive than trannies though. Ford gearboxes are like stirring spaghetti with a stick.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:43, archived)

why would I ever
have an estuary accent?
( Jadeviper was still alive on, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:30, archived)

as in
Saaaaaaarrrrffend - it's compulsory if you wish to drive a transit ...
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:30, archived)

Cor it's gonna cost ya luv.

( Fenris temporary Lazarus, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:31, archived)

not in Scotland it isn't
Weegie is what we end up with here, a copy of the Daily Record and a glass bottle of Bru
( Jadeviper was still alive on, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:32, archived)

A glass!
Get you!
( Newington, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:01, archived)

( Dekazer, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:24, archived)

Thanks
I'm just taking a survival bag for the time being though - my stuff is going up to my mum's place at Callander. I don't plan to stay there long.
( Newington, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:45, archived)

It's so difficult, because Africa's problems are both the fault of the old Imperial European powers
(and modern American trade protectionism) and also the jumped-up tyrant warlords who run the half the countries themselves.
Simply pumping in more aid doesn't work as it goes to fund the warlords' private armies, and even food and mecial aid simply goes straight to their hired thugs rather than the poor that realy need it. And if a western army goes charging in to try and sort things out, liberals/anti-globalisation types accuse them of neo-imperialism. But even so, this hardly ever happens because the countries don't have oil/bin Laden.
( Mr. Tea 'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh', Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:19, archived)

Unfortunately, this ^

( Lonewolf - O R'lyeh? Ya R'lyeh!, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:24, archived)

I think there's more to it than that
There isn't enough political consciousness among their own people to sort out the dictators. You or I wouldn't be politically conscious either, if we didn't have enough to eat.
So until the dictators are sorted out (who, in a lot of cases, more or less deliberately starve people to bring in Pajero money foreign aid) they won't have enough to eat, and until they have enough to eat the dictators won't be sorted out.

We can't sort out the dictators without the support of the countries' people, because (a) that's fundamentally wrong and (b) if the people aren't happy enough to be vigilant, the new systems will quickly become just as corrupt as the old ones.

 
There's more to it than this, too.
( Newington, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:26, archived)

Bring back the Empire I say
they didn't know how good they had it.
( Fenris temporary Lazarus, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:33, archived)

Mykey?

( Johnny Catfish - Yowsa!, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:42, archived)

I'm sure many people have dedicated their lives to understanding these problems,
so I think it goes without saying there's more to it than that, but my point was that the situations arise not solely because of Big Bad Greedy Rich countries (as some left-wingers will have you believe) nor because they're all semi-evolved savages who'd rather be eating each other than learning modern farming techniques and not having civil wars all the time (as Mykeyboy some right-wingers will have you believe).
( Mr. Tea 'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh', Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:34, archived)

It's a bit of both!

( Newington, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:49, archived)

Although AIDS *is* their fault,
or at least the fault of whichever sick freak bummed a monkey...
( Mr. Tea 'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh', Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:51, archived)

In my more cynical moments
I say we do our best* to stop people starving, and leave the governments to it.
The stable state of humanity is either democracy, in which case they'll get there eventually, or dictatorship, in which case they're a few steps ahead of us already.

* edit: i.e., more than we're doing at the moment
( Newington, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:56, archived)

That assumes there is a stable state
evidence (even outside africa) tends to suggest otherwise.

/pessimist
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 12:02, archived)

Ning my lovelies.
I've had to actually do some work this morning.

How are you all?
( Lonewolf - O R'lyeh? Ya R'lyeh!, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:53, archived)

I'm busy too
so have been on and off like a woman with a rapid menstrual cycle
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:54, archived)

slightly better for your being here
though still not at all well and in need of gentle hugs
( Jadeviper was still alive on, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:54, archived)

*hugs gently*
The antibiotics not kicking in yet?
( Lonewolf - O R'lyeh? Ya R'lyeh!, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:58, archived)

well
the shaking and skin pain and fever have stopped, but my tonsils are if anything more swollen and gunky and I still can't eat. still, I've lost 5lb in three days so it's not all bad...
( Jadeviper was still alive on, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:04, archived)

When I had teh tonsil Aids
I lost 11lbs in 5 days.

But then I am probably much much bigger than you and can loose 3lbs cutting my toenails.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:08, archived)

5lb is a tiny amount to me
I could go on a seesaw with Mykey at no danger to myself
( Jadeviper was still alive on, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:10, archived)

You have no sense of smell either ?
*is shocked*
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:12, archived)

well that went right over my head

( Jadeviper was still alive on, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:14, archived)

The proximity to Mykey
might make you able to smell him.

It was a cruel and cheap joke at his expense.

But he has thick skin, big bones, and a hairy bum if Fenris is to be beleived.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:17, archived)

ahhh
:)
( Jadeviper was still alive on, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:18, archived)

Grand thanks
Feeling quite cheerful and getting work done :)

How are you lovely?
( Dekazer, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:56, archived)

Surviving nicely thank you.
You surrounded by police?
( Lonewolf - O R'lyeh? Ya R'lyeh!, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:59, archived)

police naked wanking sailors
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:04, archived)

She's got to earn her lunch
money some how.
( Fenris temporary Lazarus, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:06, archived)

Yes
They are being very dramatic, and obvious, but seemingly very controlled and efficient.

It's great fun ;)
( Dekazer, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:07, archived)

Yeah! Until you get a riot shield in the face
for popping to the shops for fags & milk*.



*whilst dressed as a clown
( Johnny Catfish - Yowsa!, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:10, archived)

A middle aged lady
I know, who incidentally recently had a hysterectomy, got pushed over in the street by protesters yesterday. The police can hit them with riot shields all they like if they see them doing things like that imho.
( Dekazer, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:14, archived)

*chuffles*

( Geordie Al, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:58, archived)

*presents*

( Lonewolf - O R'lyeh? Ya R'lyeh!, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:01, archived)

*grinds with remorseless and grim determination*
*wipes down on your hair*
( Geordie Al, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:03, archived)

*admires the cut of your jib*
*kills you with a big stabby knife*
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:06, archived)

'ning sir.
Work is a bad habit. I think you should join W.A.N.K. (Workers Anonymous of North Korea)
( The Teviot Moose major 5th., Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:01, archived)

Crimestoppers
Not been to this side of b3ta before, looks a little odd, naked even, in fact it's making me kinda horny....ahem...back to the question in hand:

Crimestoppers used to do a 5 minute segment on TV with a silver haired, bespectacled fellow. What was his bloody name? Something Shaw, or something?
( JimmerUK Everyone's Favourite Jim, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:46, archived)

haven't a clue
and welcome to the sensible place
( Jadeviper was still alive on, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:47, archived)

Its better here.
Now, if you could just bend over and pick my pen up off the floor...
( Jobe, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:49, archived)

Greetings
never apologise for being horny here.

*bums until your teeth rattle*

As for the answer to your question, I'm guessing George Bernard
( Fenris temporary Lazarus, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:49, archived)

Are you Shaw?
*spangs self to save you the bother*
( Mr. Tea 'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh', Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:51, archived)

*puts down +5 vorpal spanging shovel*
Dammit, I was going to enjoy that.
( Fenris temporary Lazarus, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:52, archived)

I have to apologise for it
everyone else should have to too
( Jadeviper was still alive on, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:51, archived)

You are the talk board deity of lust
and we make sacrifices in your honour.

*prostrates*
*prostates*
( Fenris temporary Lazarus, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:54, archived)

I thought the correct offering
was warm pygmy albino tadpole soup ?
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:56, archived)

All over her face
Aye.
( Fenris temporary Lazarus, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:58, archived)

And some in the hair ?
With drips possibly heading norkwards ?
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:59, archived)

meh! not in my hair!
I hate that. trickling down my chin onto my norks is fine though
( Jadeviper was still alive on, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:05, archived)

Why should you have to?
It's rob's fault for making the talk board gently vibrate.
(s0WmVHAwZgpG, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:10, archived)

it does?
it's obviously not compatible with Win98 then
( Jadeviper was still alive on, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:13, archived)

Shaw Taylor
he did a 5 minute programme called Police 5
( Enigmatic ™                 Voice No More                  ©, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:49, archived)

Is he still alive ?
He was doing Police 5 in the 1970's
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:50, archived)

"Until then,
"keep 'em peeled" or something, wasn't it?
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:51, archived)

*peels*

( The Teviot Moose major 5th., Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:53, archived)

That's correct
you win a bumming.

*unleashes aroused bull elephant*
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:53, archived)

That reply
sounds like it should be followed by 'and I've got each one videoed and carefully stored in chronological order. Would you like to come and watch them some time young man?'
( Dekazer, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:52, archived)

I worry about myself sometimes

but I do not have a video collection of anything - oh, except of naked ex girlfriends. I do have an obsession with music collecting though.
( Enigmatic ™                 Voice No More                  ©, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:55, archived)

I wouldn't worry
it's no worse than my preserved labia collection.
( Fenris temporary Lazarus, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:57, archived)

Ewwwwww
That's the last time I eat a corned beef sandwich at your house.....
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:58, archived)

No wonder
it took you so long to move house. All the junk you've accummulated. *sigh*
( Dekazer, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:58, archived)

THAT's IT!
I thank you from the very heart of my bottom. That's been driving me crayzee for all of ten minutes, and I was ready to end it all, or at the very least to forget about it and do some work.
( JimmerUK Everyone's Favourite Jim, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:53, archived)

Allow me to explain...
*tickles scrotum*
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:52, archived)

But who's scrotum?
I'll give you a shiny new biscuit it if it is the Emperor Tiberius's.
( Geordie Al, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:57, archived)

Here's a dilemma:
Would you rather be rich, or stupid?
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:46, archived)

Stupidly rich?
Yay.
( JimmerUK Everyone's Favourite Jim, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:47, archived)

Rich people are almost invariably stupid,
and ugly to boot. Not much of a choice, really.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:48, archived)

I'd like to see the statistics
to back that claim up.
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:52, archived)

Everyone who drives an expensive car,
looks like they were hit in the face by the shovel of ugliness. Feel free to test this out for yourself.
I've yet to test my theory that monied sorts couldn't find their way out of an empty, darkened room with a glow in the dark door, but I'd put money on the results.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:56, archived)

This is true
I used to drive expensive cars, and I am considered ugly even by b3tan standards.
( Enigmatic ™                 Voice No More                  ©, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:59, archived)

well
rich obviously :P
( Jadeviper was still alive on, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:48, archived)

Of course
but perhaps that's the wrong answer, and we're all too stupid to see it?
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:53, archived)

Stupid.
Or rich.
Either way I'd like to have the ability to turn invisible or turn my poo invisible.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:50, archived)

You win
although I hope you never get that ability.
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:55, archived)

I used to be rich
now I am just plain stupid.
I was happier in some ways rich, but have found happiness with a family and friends (when the money no longer filled the second swimming pool) that I never had or think I could have had while rich.
( Enigmatic ™                 Voice No More                  ©, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:52, archived)

I think there's a message for us all there.

Somewhere.

(You kept your money in a second swimming pool like Scrooge McDuck?)
( Johnny Catfish - Yowsa!, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:08, archived)

did you mean that
or "rich and stupid, or clever and poor?"

... if you did, I think I'll be rich cheers.. otherwise clever and poor.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:52, archived)

How is that a dilemma?

( Newington, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:52, archived)

I'm questioning the very foundations
of your value system.
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:57, archived)

I'd rather be rich.
Being rich is a good thing, being stupid is a bad thing.

Being rich can lead to bad things for yourself and other people, but only if you're stupid as well.
( Newington, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:01, archived)

Rich
I couldn't part with my intellect for anything ;)
( Dekazer, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:55, archived)

Rich
Here's another one:

Would you like to be an evil criminal mastermind or dead?
( Johnny Catfish - Yowsa!, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:01, archived)

'ning.
Kia-ora is too orangey for crows, Discuss.
( sprinkles ITS AN ISLAND, morron, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:44, archived)

Kia-ora is too orangey for crows,
because acidic vitamin C rich fruit flavoured soft beverages make birds explode into lots of pieces.
This is not true of children with big straw hats and their dogs.
This problem can be overcome by getting everyone to walk along in a big line almost dancing.

Thend.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:48, archived)

it wasn't that it was too orangey
but it was a bugger using a straw with a beak.

i've been on my hols - how's edinburgh holding up? any b3tans in prison yet?
( Dirty Bob hasn't been here for ages, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:49, archived)

ning
how were the hols?
( Jobe, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:50, archived)

hot. i'm as brown as a berry.
sorrento in italy...very pleasant. pompeii and stuff was pretty interesting too. though why lots of people have ignored the giant warning and chosen to make their homes on the slopes of a volcano is beyond me.
( Dirty Bob hasn't been here for ages, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:53, archived)

sounds
lovely. Would quite like to see the pompeii stuff.
( Jobe, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:55, archived)

it's cool.
i sat in the place where the forum used to be looking up at vesuvius, wondering what it would have been like.

Pompeii man number 1: What's all that red stuff coming down the mountain?

Pompeii man number 2: Aaarrrgggg it burrrnns!
( Dirty Bob hasn't been here for ages, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:00, archived)

pffft!
"Blimey, you've got awful dandruff today."

"No no, thats just scalding ash."
( Jobe, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:07, archived)

arf.
it's good to be back amongst you deviants.
( Dirty Bob hasn't been here for ages, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:13, archived)

it's been fine
though apparently yesterday there were riots and things. there were only two arrests on Saturday while 225,000 people did marching
( Jadeviper was still alive on, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:53, archived)

*bunny smash*
parcelforce are utter cunts
I ordered a lovely new camera and it was meant to be here last week
I spent all day in to make sure I got it in time
No parcelforce man
today I got fed up waiting for them so I called and they claim they tried to deliver it on the day despite the fact that someone was in all day and they never left a card
/rant
( Giant bunny jumping out like a large happy tourettes rabbit, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:30, archived)

Go down to the depot and open a can of Whupass*



*available in all good Americanism outlets
( Johnny Catfish - Yowsa!, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:31, archived)

Would you like me to perform a murder death kill?

( Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:33, archived)

I hate that! I hate it so much!
it drives me insane when they don't even bother trying to deliver something when you've been in all day but them claim that they did. cunts the lot of them
( Jadeviper was still alive on, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:34, archived)

Top tip:
Don't wait in, go out, enjoy life, collect parcel from depot at convenient time :D
( Dekazer, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:35, archived)

Depots are usually about 5 miles out of town
which is a real pain for people without a car.

Parcelfarce really are cunts but the rest aren't much better tbh.
( Fenris temporary Lazarus, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:36, archived)

I get all
my parcels and deliveries (even my new laptop) delivered to my office. Everyone delivers here already so nothing's ever late.
( Dekazer, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:37, archived)

I do this, too.
Are we related?
( Geordie Al, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:44, archived)

Yes.
Can I borrow a twenty spot till Christmas?
( Dekazer, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:46, archived)

As it's generally agreed by evolutionary geneticists
that all human beings are descended from 'mitochondrial Eve', an archaic Homo sapiens female who lived in Africa some 150,000 years ago, yes.
( Mr. Tea 'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh', Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:48, archived)

Jungle bunny

( Fenris temporary Lazarus, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:56, archived)

Ras klart!

( Mr. Tea 'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh', Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:57, archived)

Well and truly
over my head cabron!
( Fenris temporary Lazarus, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:01, archived)

Soiled female sanitary item:
www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=ras-clat

Dam' fool honkey Babylon white bwoy...
( Mr. Tea 'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh', Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:07, archived)

I and I thought it was
German mon.
( Fenris temporary Lazarus, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 11:13, archived)

I think it'd turn heads
when my Livedoll gets delivered
( Fenris temporary Lazarus, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:45, archived)

Not if you
pay the extra £1.50 for the 'special' discreet delivery. Don't you know anything? *belm*
( Dekazer, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:46, archived)

Surely they must question
the amount or 'torches' and 'thermos flasks' you seem to buy?
( Fenris temporary Lazarus, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:48, archived)

Depot? Convenient Time????
I'm sorry, but since when are opening hours 6:30am-12:30pm and 6:30am-9:30am on Sat convenient?

Bloody Royal Mail
( The Teviot Moose major 5th., Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:37, archived)

Seems convenient enough
for picking something up before work.
( Newington, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:41, archived)

Not if it's in completely the opposite direction to work.
And goddammit.. 6:30-9:30 on Saturdays? what is the bloody point?
( The Teviot Moose major 5th., Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:44, archived)

Okay.

I didn't even know there was a 6.30-9.30 on Saturdays.
( Newington, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:49, archived)

Good god, this whole thread makes me feel awfully smug.
Our local depot is right in the middle of town, has its own parking and opens 8am till 7pm on weekdays, and until 12:30 on Saturdays.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:42, archived)

(Aye, mine too)
I suddenly feel rather lucky, and so will shut up.

But getting things delivered to a business premises works a lot lot betetr!
( Dekazer, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:44, archived)

You are very spacky handed today.
Are you flicking the bean?
( Fenris temporary Lazarus, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:45, archived)

Yes*
I always type this badly, I'm just not in the mood for editing today. A little distracted maybe.

*No.
( Dekazer, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:50, archived)

In Nottingham
the depot was about 6 miles out of town, at the back of a large industrial estate, it opened from 03:00 - 04:00, except when it didn't, and was guarded by automatic, motion-detecting machine gun nests and barbed wire.
( Geordie Al, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:46, archived)

Jesus. that's harsh.
I mean, Nottingham...
( Mr. Tea 'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh', Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:53, archived)

And letters are delivered clenched between the pert buttocks
of dusky maidens, right?
( Mr. Tea 'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh', Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:45, archived)

Pah! I've lost count of the number of times
I've had to complain about the skiddy letters. Serves me right for living in Reading, I suppose...
( Johnny Catfish - Yowsa!, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:48, archived)

That would explain the pubes I found in the letterbox,
yes.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:50, archived)

This,
but it's open until 1.30 on saturdays.
( sprinkles ITS AN ISLAND, morron, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:47, archived)

Royal Mail & Parcelforce normally have different depots
because they are, to all intents and purposes, different companies.

Royal Mail depots normally keep postal worker-style hours and Parcelforce are usually open til later at night.
( Johnny Catfish - Yowsa!, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:46, archived)

But it's on the far side of edinburgh
and I can't drive
or I would have
( Giant bunny jumping out like a large happy tourettes rabbit, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:37, archived)

which far side?
is it the one near me?
( Jadeviper was still alive on, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:38, archived)

sighthill

( Giant bunny jumping out like a large happy tourettes rabbit, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:40, archived)

ahhh
the other side from me. shirley that's the near side to you though?
( Jadeviper was still alive on, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:40, archived)

since I can't drive
It's pretty much the same
( Giant bunny jumping out like a large happy tourettes rabbit, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:42, archived)

I really wanted it in time for the fair
And am so pissed off that they did not deliver it on time. I'm also quite irritated that I did use the tracking feature and it said nothing about having to rearrange the delivery
( Giant bunny jumping out like a large happy tourettes rabbit, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:36, archived)

They claim that the building I am in doesn't exist.
Fuckers!
(tacpprm has a mmrpcat, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:37, archived)

*TRADE SECRET***TRADE SECRET***TRADE SECRET*
When I was a postie I used to see some of the guys writing out cards for all the "Signed For.." packets before they set off on their rounds.

They claimed it saved them time because it meant that they could just post the card through the door and leg it, rather than waiting around for someone to answer the door/find a pen/ask questions/exchange pleasantries/etc.

I pointed out that delivering the mail was part/all of the job - even if it added another couple of minutes to their round.

It was a small minority that did this, though. Most of them played by the rules and took pride in their work.
( Johnny Catfish - Yowsa!, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:40, archived)

given the time they claim
they delivered (17:47) I seriously doubt the driver was anywhere near where I live anyway
( Giant bunny jumping out like a large happy tourettes rabbit, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:41, archived)

Are you sure you are in
the right house?
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:35, archived)

pffft!
that's a very valid point :P
( Jadeviper was still alive on, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:37, archived)

of course
that is where I went wrong
It's all so clear now
( Giant bunny jumping out like a large happy tourettes rabbit, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:38, archived)

It's a classic
beginners mistake.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:40, archived)

I just parted from Mrs. Tea after seeing her for her birthday.
As we said goodbye I felt a few tears welling up, I love her so much.
My question to you lot is: does this make me gay?
( Mr. Tea 'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh', Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:23, archived)

Of course
edit: And you just know that when she gets back home she'll phone up her other bloke to organise a night of animalistic rutting, possibly with two of his friends and some brutal dping
( Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:23, archived)

as long as she really is a she
then no, it makes you a lully bloke
( Jadeviper was still alive on, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:24, archived)

Awww,
fank oo!

I'm all teh slushy when I'm with her. It's great.
( Mr. Tea 'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh', Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:25, archived)

Don't listen to her
everyone knows women make you gay, you big gaying gayer.
( Fenris temporary Lazarus, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:27, archived)

Are you sure that's not
motorbikes?
( Mr. Tea 'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh', Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:31, archived)

Yes.
Quite sure thank you very much.


Damn you!
( Fenris temporary Lazarus, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:33, archived)

Oh, and Conan makes you a real man?

( The Teviot Moose major 5th., Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:31, archived)

I'd only fuck butch men
ergo I'm not gay.
( Fenris temporary Lazarus, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:34, archived)

*Remembers to use this line on his effeminate gay mates...*
(although not the butch ones...)
( The Teviot Moose major 5th., Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:39, archived)

Possibly
I think there may be an undercurrent of gay there all the same ...

/ning you ... how are you feeling today?
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:31, archived)

still all teh sore
but not shivering/shaking/crying with pain in my back and skin. my tonsils are even worse than yesterday though and the slightest thing exhausts me
( Jadeviper was still alive on, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:35, archived)

:(
sounds like you've broken the fever though, so your antibiotics are working .. :)
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:44, archived)

aye
though my themometer seems to be broken now and is telling me I'm 32.6C
( Jadeviper was still alive on, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:50, archived)

Not bad, considering.
Sleeping alone toight is going to suck badly so I'm going to rent a cheap whore probably get nice and drunk to take my mind off things.
( Mr. Tea 'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh', Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:35, archived)

Do what I used to do:
look at pictures of your beloved, listen to some soppy music, and gently cry yourself to sleep.
Expressing yourself through poety, can often help, too (but don't share it).
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:46, archived)

Ooh, that's a point,
we took some feeelthy pictures so I can fwap myself to sleep, knowing she'll be doing the same thing.
( Mr. Tea 'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh', Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:56, archived)

yes...
but I'm prepared to bet that you have had more sex in the last few days than all the rest of the board put together, so sympathy is minimal sir ;)

although it does suck being away from people you love so I'll let you off
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:48, archived)

I've not even had a wank in the new place yet
this will have to be remedied forthwith.
( Fenris temporary Lazarus, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:50, archived)

I can't remember when I last had sex
though I would have mentioned it repeatedly on here when I did
( Jadeviper was still alive on, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:51, archived)

If she's a man
then yes.
If you secretly fancy men, then yes.

If you just love your girlfriend it just makes you a big girly sissy crybaby.

;)
( Dekazer, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:25, archived)

Yes.
Fancying ladies is ultra-gay.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:25, archived)

Yeah,
they have girl germs!!
(s0WmVHAwZgpG, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:28, archived)

...that make your
winky catch the period and bleed once a month.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:31, archived)

They can reduce the bleeding
to once a month?
That's a cure, not a disease!
( Mr. Tea 'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh', Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:36, archived)

Call me pisswimp.
Go on.
No one has for ages and I miss it.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:38, archived)

Oi! You! The little squirt lurking around the bogs like some sort of nonce....
I know your little game...pisswimp!



That better?
( Mr. Tea 'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh', Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:41, archived)

YAY!
Fankoo.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:46, archived)

No
Next
( Newington, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:25, archived)

Yes
undoubtedly
( DrPoppers Touched by his noodly appendage, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:26, archived)

I'm afraid show, and science shows gayism is contagious
Would you mind spend a few weeks in your study, wearing a hairshirt, praying fervently, and reading books on taxidermy?
( Geordie Al, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:27, archived)

Eeeuuurrrgh!
You like girls, you've got the gay lurgy. And fleas.

I bet you kiss her, too. Ommmmmmmm, I'm telling.
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:27, archived)

No.
/long distance but not-as-much-as-you relationship
( Nimble Colin camera-wrangling, globe-trotting whisky enthusiast, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:28, archived)

If she's only in a shallow grave it'll be easier to see her again

p.s. You're not gay - you're just feeling emotional. Pull yourself together! Stand up straight! Join the French Foreign Legion and become a real man!
( Johnny Catfish - Yowsa!, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:29, archived)

It's sweet

( Giant bunny jumping out like a large happy tourettes rabbit, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:31, archived)

I dont think loving your girl makes you gay
but admitting to crying over a woman on b3ta means you want to read messages from people calling you gay.

So perhaps you are gay.

And your tears were ones of regret that she doesnt have a big hairy man bum and a sweaty-cheesy cock for you to poo on.

Like a big sick gayer.

/sympathy
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:31, archived)

I agree

( Fenris temporary Lazarus, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:35, archived)

This reply
makes the most sense, I fear.
*bums*
( Mr. Tea 'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh', Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:37, archived)

This


Woat Gorrier should get a job as an agony uncle
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:37, archived)

Like the stealthy horse
I bound in from the left and bid you all
GOOD NING!
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:22, archived)

*bums*

( Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:22, archived)

*pets*
ning
( Jobe, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:22, archived)

*whinnies*

( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:28, archived)

*gives sugar cubes*

( Jobe, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:30, archived)

O I leik horsez
asl?
( The Teviot Moose major 5th., Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:24, archived)

quietly :(
I still don't feel well
( Jadeviper was still alive on, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:24, archived)

OKAY!
SORRY!
*strokes face comfortingly with a fake horses hoof glove*
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:27, archived)

Well well.
I have a hot date tonight. I can't remember the last time I went on an actual date. Any advice? Is there anything new in the world of dating?
( Jobe, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:01, archived)

rohypnol
it's not new, but it is a classic.
( DrPoppers Touched by his noodly appendage, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:02, archived)

Rohypnol.
/pre-fucking-dictable
( Mr. Tea 'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh', Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:02, archived)

Its now considered good manners
to shove your cock into your dates ear whilst eating dessert.
( comrade yannovski and then, of course, there was the schnapps monkey, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:02, archived)

what if
you choose a dessert without dates?
( Jadeviper was still alive on, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:04, archived)

I dont know
Im just pleased I didnt spell desert instead of dessert.
( comrade yannovski and then, of course, there was the schnapps monkey, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:15, archived)

Don't ask me...
I went on a date at the end of April. It wasn't what you would call a success.

/single
( The Teviot Moose major 5th., Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:02, archived)

Have a wank beforehand
during, and after.

Try not to cry when she asks you simple questions.

make sure your shirt is tucked into your underpants, and your trousers into your socks.
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:03, archived)

If it goes tits up, try this instead:
www.greenlighter.org/viewtopic.php?t=94
( Nimble Colin camera-wrangling, globe-trotting whisky enthusiast, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:03, archived)

That explains all the
shit I got in the pub a few weeks back.
( DrPoppers Touched by his noodly appendage, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:04, archived)

blimey.
never new that.
( Jobe, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:07, archived)

( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:12, archived)

Eat lots of garlic
and don't forget the rohypnol
(tacpprm has a mmrpcat, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:03, archived)

Or the mindpiss...

( Mr. Tea 'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh', Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:05, archived)

I haven't been on a date
in eleven days short of ten years. haven't a clue
( Jadeviper was still alive on, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:03, archived)

Buy her a glass of Unicum
'Its the foul sex lotion of the jolly green giant'
( Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:03, archived)

Just play nice

( Giant bunny jumping out like a large happy tourettes rabbit, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:04, archived)

Spit out the stone.

( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:04, archived)

Stay less drunk than your date.

/never been on a date with anyone I wasn't already going out with
( Newington, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:06, archived)

how can you be going out with someone
you haven't yet had a date with?
( Jadeviper was still alive on, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:07, archived)

www.Thaibrides.com
( Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:08, archived)

I ordered one of those, but she came in the wrong size and colour,
so I sent her back for a refund.
( Mr. Tea 'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh', Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:17, archived)

By being friends first
Then if you wake up next to each other three weekends in a row, you're going out.
( Newington, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:09, archived)

If you each drug the other,
how do you wind up in bed?
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:13, archived)

Haha!
You wake up on the carpet mentally kicking yourselves.
( Newington, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:21, archived)

I think these are the rules I play by.

( Nimble Colin camera-wrangling, globe-trotting whisky enthusiast, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:13, archived)

It's like an extract from "The Rules"
What about if you're travelling and sharing a tent with your best friend?
( Johnny Catfish - Yowsa!, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:13, archived)

I think it depends
whether you share a sleeping bag too
( Jadeviper was still alive on, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:17, archived)

How do you think he got his last boyfriend?

( The Teviot Moose major 5th., Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:17, archived)

Serious answer:
I imagine by the time you're best friends, you know whether you want to have sex with each other, or whether it'd be worth trying.

I speak only roughly, I will never read "The Rules" in my life and find quite offensive the fact that it's even been written.

Frivolous answer: I heard someone talk about "the rules" relating to your friend staying in your bed once (I guess the same thing applies to tents.) Something like, the owner of the bed is the one that's allowed to make an attempt without fear of embarrassment. I never knew it was that complicated either.
( Newington, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:19, archived)

I agree - before setting off, something may have to be said, though:
"By the way, Dave. If we wake up together three weekends in a row then we are officially a couple. Do you want me to ring Julie now?"

"The Rules": I've been married for three years now, but I can't imagine that I'd ever have gone out with anyone who took "The Rules" seriously.
( Johnny Catfish - Yowsa!, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:25, archived)

I am the
same as this. I've already known anyone I have been out with. It's quite exciting, but I'm rather nervous. Theodds are pretty good on me doing something really embarassing!
( Jobe, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:17, archived)

I had the longest lie in
for 10 months today.

7:45 am

I feel chirpy.
( DrPoppers Touched by his noodly appendage, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:46, archived)

pah. lucky you
I was lying awake at 4.30am grumbling to myself and wincing in pain, the gannet demanded milk at 5am and 6.30am and the ratbag got up at 6.45am. I can't wait till I'm the one waking them in the morning and hounding them out of their beds to get ready for school
( Jadeviper was still alive on, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:49, archived)

my brother (who lurks here)
once woke me up by pouring salt onto my eyes.

He also spotted a post I did about our mother catching me masturbating which made him a bit ill.
( DrPoppers Touched by his noodly appendage, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:51, archived)

Well in fairness no one expected her to join in

( Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:52, archived)

although
the pictures of the end result rolling down her chin was a bit ott.
( Tyronne Get To Falkirk, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:55, archived)

Yeah but she licked her lips
Waste not want not
( Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:56, archived)

Quite.
You'll not find a richer natural source of zinc and selenium. More fun than vitamin pills, any day.
( Mr. Tea 'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh', Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:59, archived)

well if he is
lurking, that should draw him out
( DrPoppers Touched by his noodly appendage, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:59, archived)

We're going to need a bigger boat

( Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:01, archived)

screaming and vomiting
by the sounds of it
( Jadeviper was still alive on, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:01, archived)

Wait till you know he's lurking
then tell us all you spit roasted your mum with Mykey.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:52, archived)

How did you masturbating make your brother ill?
Did you spurt pox-ridden sex-wee in his porridge, or something?
( Mr. Tea 'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh', Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:53, archived)

What do you think the "salt" was that went in his eyes...

( The Teviot Moose major 5th., Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:56, archived)

Someone tell me what to do for dinner tonight
Ive finally run out of ideas...
( Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:39, archived)

Eat.
More specifically, eat food.

You might want to drink something, too.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:41, archived)

Are you coming on to me?

( Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:45, archived)

Superfluous use
of the word "to" there I think

You know you love it you whore.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:46, archived)

Would you like me to seduce you?
*rolls down stockings, seductively*
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:47, archived)

The original milf

( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:50, archived)

mmilf
shirley?
( Jadeviper was still alive on, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:52, archived)

What's the extra M for ?
Movie ?
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:53, archived)

no
just Monster Munch
( Jadeviper was still alive on, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:56, archived)

You're claiming I want to fuck monster munch ?
that almost makes me not glad you're feeling a little bit better ; P
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:59, archived)

*puts it in the pantry with the cupcakes*


/possible innuendo
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:51, archived)

*fwaps to show willing*

( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:54, archived)

pasta
with loads of veggies in a tomato-based sauce
( Jadeviper was still alive on, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:42, archived)

I dont know
Pasta is so a week last Tuesday
( Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:44, archived)

but nice
and very good for you
( Jadeviper was still alive on, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:45, archived)

oysters

( DrPoppers Touched by his noodly appendage, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:43, archived)

When I'm in the mood for it
I tend to do some sort of stuffed chicken breast affair topped with bacon in a white wine sauce. Stuff a chicken breast with sliced red pepper and and one or two individual portions of Boursin, tip half a bottle of cheap white wine over it, add bacon on top, cover in tinfoil and leave it in the oven for a while. Job's a good 'un.
( Nimble Colin camera-wrangling, globe-trotting whisky enthusiast, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:45, archived)

*approves*
I like this too :D Goes well with roasted meditteranean veggies ;)
( Dekazer, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:49, archived)

I never know what to do with it and haven't made a particularly concerted
effort to find out but some personal take on sautéed potatoes goes nicely.
( Nimble Colin camera-wrangling, globe-trotting whisky enthusiast, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:51, archived)

Last time my
mate Hils did it we had mashed potato and roasted veggies. Yum. I shall recommend some sauteed potato next time :D
( Dekazer, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:52, archived)

GAZ IM ME

( Jadeviper was still alive on, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:53, archived)

Roasted Med Veg - Yum!
Especially with a few slices of haloumi.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:52, archived)

This talk of delicious foods is creating an unusual stirring in my loins.
I think I may have the culinary horn.
( Nimble Colin camera-wrangling, globe-trotting whisky enthusiast, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:54, archived)

I shall
be doing stuffed aubergines and peppers tonight. You're all welcome to come round.
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:57, archived)

Nice. My wife rather good at stuffing aubergines*.
This morning, I made up a batch of my famous lentil chilli (should save some time tonight - just need to make the salsa and guacamole). Nothing beats the feeling of cooking in the nude. Special sauce, anyone?

Last night, I made coleslaw, but overdid the red wine vinegar, so it wasn't that great.

/food blog

*Worst euphemism, ever.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:02, archived)

Meat
and lots of it, so later on you can shit like a lion.
( comrade yannovski and then, of course, there was the schnapps monkey, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:46, archived)

I might pop into the covered market
And pick up 10kgs of beef then
( Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:51, archived)

Poussin a la sicilienne
stuff a pullet with ground pistachios, black pepper and butter, drape in fatty smoked bacon and roast in a pan with onion, tomato and celery, with a glass of wine and a glass of stock poured in to keep it moist.
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:46, archived)

No this sounds excellent:)

( Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:50, archived)

It's lovely
then you get all the juices in the pan and poil them off to make the gravy.
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:54, archived)

"pullet"?
As in bread'n'pullet?
i.e. nothing
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:50, archived)

Never heard of that
If we asked what was for pudding, my grandma always said 'a run round the table and a kick up the pantry door'.
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:55, archived)

I've never really heard either,
as I was lucky enough to be born after rationing had ended.
*kicks your walking stick and steals your pension*
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:59, archived)

Get used to it
you're moving to the third world.
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:01, archived)

I'd prefer Third Earth...

( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 10:08, archived)

These are
dead easy and very tasty, and goes very nicely with the green couscous here. Even I managed not to fuck it up ;)

'Ning all :D
( Dekazer, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:47, archived)

I said what should i have for dinner
not how might one turn homosexual via consumption
( Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:49, archived)

arf!

( comrade yannovski and then, of course, there was the schnapps monkey, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:51, archived)

It hasn't
made me any more inclined to lick out the ladies, I must say.
( Dekazer, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:53, archived)

It's sad to be so insecure about ones sexuality
as to fear that eating good food will undermine your masculinity.

Join us, and embrace the metro lifestyle!
*minces*
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:56, archived)

Green couscous?
Mykey?

Does not compute.

*head asplode*
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:49, archived)

'ning folks
I still don't feel well *cries*

it's taken me over an hour to recover from the effort of having a shower. this isn't good.
( Jadeviper was still alive on, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:34, archived)

Aww.
I'd offer hugs and sympathy, but I don't want to catch anything.

What's ails you? I wasn't paying proper attention, yesterday.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:36, archived)

tonsillitis
and associated nasty gubbins
( Jadeviper was still alive on, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:42, archived)

Ooh, yucky.
Can't you get them removed?

I can't offer much other than sympathy, and hope that the doctor has given you some fast working medicine. Sorry.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:43, archived)

I don't want them out
and I've got double-dose antibiotics that I started taking yesterday. hopefully they'll start working in a day or two. at least the pain in my skin and back has gone and I'm not so headachy and shaky any more
( Jadeviper was still alive on, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:45, archived)

Shouldnt have fwapped like an excitable mong on his birthday then

( Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:36, archived)

Memepool has served up a veritable feast of links, the best being this:
horsehater.blogspot.com/

edit: Kung Fu!

edit edit: Some balance to the horses link You really ought to look at the methods page and snort with a mixture of contempt and derision.
( Nimble Colin camera-wrangling, globe-trotting whisky enthusiast, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:11, archived)

Arf!
How bizarre
( The Coast Of Yemen, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:16, archived)

My money
is on that kung fu film utterly kicking arse. Yuen Woo-Ping is a fantastic choreographer.
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:22, archived)

I know almost nothing of martial arts and I've never been into the films either
You could write what I know about them on the back of a postage stamp. The kung fu remake of a Disney classic sounds like an interesting concept though.
( Nimble Colin camera-wrangling, globe-trotting whisky enthusiast, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:31, archived)

Tee hee
www.unicorn-dream.co.uk/destrier/Transform.gif
And look: charles' drawings of camilla:
www.unicorn-dream.co.uk/destrier/artwork/Alith.jpg
( The Coast Of Yemen, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:32, archived)

On the pictures page I laughed so hard I almost got a hernia
when I saw the of the unicorn in a train cab.
( Nimble Colin camera-wrangling, globe-trotting whisky enthusiast, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:36, archived)

Worst of all teh animals?

(tacpprm has a mmrpcat, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:52, archived)

Argh
I have to go to he orthodontist, and he will look dissaprovingly at me for not doing the teeth stuff I was supposed to.

Bastard.
( The Coast Of Yemen, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:09, archived)

Brushing?

( Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:10, archived)

Taking them out and replacing them with
small pieces of depleted uranium.
( The Teviot Moose major 5th., Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:14, archived)

No, I was supposed to wear a retainer
But I left it in a glass of water and it went rusty... sort of
( The Coast Of Yemen, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:16, archived)

I ate my retainer,
so I was given a part-metal one as a replacement. My bottom teeth shifted slightly, but I still have a winning smile.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:19, archived)

So says the winner of
the Luton & Dunstable Mercury's Gappiest Smile competition.
( Johnny Catfish - Yowsa!, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:21, archived)

It was all going so well,
until the local Tesco sacked me for setting off the barcode readers.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:23, archived)

Worry not, Mr Munch
I hear the local golf course is looking for bunker rakes
( Johnny Catfish - Yowsa!, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:27, archived)

All the sand I can eat!

( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:29, archived)

What do you think?
These are my teeth:
img99.imageshack.us/img99/5666/cheesybird5sc.jpg
( The Coast Of Yemen, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:22, archived)

You're a handsome fella, aren't you?
I bet you set all the chicks* going...


*© DtH 2004
( Johnny Catfish - Yowsa!, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:25, archived)

you know where the door is

( Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:27, archived)

*dons hat*

*leaves*
( Johnny Catfish - Yowsa!, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:30, archived)

Well, I am eggseptionally handsome

( The Coast Of Yemen, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:27, archived)

Listen...

...

Did you hear that? It was the sound of me dying a little inside.
( Nimble Colin camera-wrangling, globe-trotting whisky enthusiast, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:32, archived)

They're a bit yellow!
There seems to have been a bit of movement, but nothing too drastic. Your orthodontist will probably have a go at you, anyway, but I think you can be happy with your teeth - could certainly be a lot worse! Do you have a before picture?

Also, you need a shave.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:28, archived)

Not to hand, no
Yellowness applied for comic effect
( The Coast Of Yemen, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:30, archived)

I was hoping it might be.
Good luck, anyway - the worst parts are over now (having molds of your teeth made, lacerating your cheeks and gums on the metalwork, having the braces removed).
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:31, archived)

What? Brushing?
Everytime I go to the dentist he lectures me about how important it is to floss. As soon as I leave the building I forget about flossing until the next time he mentions it.

I realise that in theory I should do it but it doesn't come naturally to me to want to saw between my teeth for half an hour each morning and evening with a piece of glorified string.

Edit: I don't do this often - but I'm putting a recruitment advert in the newspaper for a receptionist and I want to put "Administrative experience an advantage". My boss thinks "Administration experience an advantage" is more grammatically correct. Any opinions?
( Johnny Catfish - Yowsa!, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:13, archived)

Glorified string....
Now that i would like to see
( Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:15, archived)

£2.39 a reel - Boots
here
( Johnny Catfish - Yowsa!, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:19, archived)

I misread that as girlfriend's string.
I am now considering which string that would be.
( The Teviot Moose major 5th., Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:16, archived)

The one to deflate her?

( Johnny Catfish - Yowsa!, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:17, archived)

Pfft.
(literally)
( The Teviot Moose major 5th., Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:19, archived)

honestly don't think it matters
grammatically, but I think yours scans better. but then I'm a scientist so should not be trusted in grammar matters. And I live in Bracknell, therefore should really finish this sentence with "innit?"

innit?
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:27, archived)

Yeah
what he said.
( The Coast Of Yemen, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:28, archived)

Thanks a lot
*leaves it as "Administrative..."*
( Johnny Catfish - Yowsa!, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 9:29, archived)