berk is short for Berkshire Hunt which rhymes with cunt

( rob, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:28, archived)

I knew that

( homonk, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:29, archived)

Phone is short for telephone which rhymes with herringbone.
You'll start fucking poetry with this sort of thread....
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:29, archived)

Woaty woaty woaty woat,
Strikes out the words what others wrote,
Points out things which are quite dull.
Let's have ourselves a Gorrier cull.

;O)
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:32, archived)

*dies to deny you the pleasure*

( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:34, archived)

I love you.
Touch me in that special way.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:36, archived)

*dons porcupine glove puppet*
*fondles with the tenderness of an eplieptic mong simultaneously wanking and fitting*
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:38, archived)

Lovely.
*spangles*
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:40, archived)

What flavour Spangles ?
I dont let men touch me for any sort of boiled sweet you know !
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:43, archived)

Monkey monkey monkey monk
swallows poo and guzzles spunk.
His poetry holds us all enthralled.
We love him though he is so bald.
( Dirty Bob hasn't been here for ages, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:36, archived)

Dorty dorty dorty bib
Has a pen that has no nib.
I don't know why, though half the time
I just say things because they rhyme.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:38, archived)

Baldy baldy baldy simian
creates posts with no sense in 'em
is he wanking as he types ?
or merely flying gooseflesh kites....
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:40, archived)

nibless
in a nib-filled world.
( Dirty Bob hasn't been here for ages, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:41, archived)

Well yes

( Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:29, archived)

I saw that on the bbc thing too.
Yes.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:29, archived)

bbc?
I read it looking up "euphemism" on wikipedia.
( rob, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:30, archived)

I think it was the bbc.
It might not have been the bbc.





I have a winky.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:32, archived)

That
is a fucking shit gay chat up line
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:35, archived)

Lancs is short for Lancashire
which rhymes with wanks.

The north is always better than the south.
( umbongo I vote for Evil Lu as Mayor of /talk, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:29, archived)

lancashire doesn't
rhyme with wanks
( homonk, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:31, archived)

who said
it did?
( umbongo I vote for Evil Lu as Mayor of /talk, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:32, archived)

I dunno.
Jesus?
( homonk, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:34, archived)

I like Cheese*



_{*standard response from umbongo when he feels the need to reply, but no longer has anything to say}
( umbongo I vote for Evil Lu as Mayor of /talk, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:35, archived)

lancashire hotpot = grot
As in "Mate. Got any good lancashire sites?"
( rob, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:33, archived)

if you take the letters in
"Leicestershire" swap them about a bit and change a few you get

"bunch of cunts"

how amazing!
( umbongo I vote for Evil Lu as Mayor of /talk, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:34, archived)

hidden swears please me
wristwatch
( rob, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:36, archived)

like the sniggeringly good
cuntstable?
( umbongo I vote for Evil Lu as Mayor of /talk, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:38, archived)

actually that reminds me...
When very drunk with a friend of mine we he was driving (yes drunk, it was 20 years ago ok?) down the road, and we got stopped by the police, this sgt. and a new bobby step out and the bobby leans into the car sniffs hard and says "Alcohol" and smirks as us....

My mate leans out out of the window and sniffs hard and says "bacon!"

we laughed all the way to the cells....
( umbongo I vote for Evil Lu as Mayor of /talk, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:41, archived)

That's OK. Running someone over while you're pissed
only became lethal about eight years ago.
( Mr. Tea 'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh', Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:45, archived)

Saturday, Scunthorpe
and top issue are good too.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:39, archived)

The insane chinese girl in my office
wants me to make some 'Moon Festival' cards for her.
What the flip do I know about the moon festival?
And I can't draw.
Still, she's offering me money for it.
I gather it has something to do with rabbits and the moon.
Do you think a picture of a rabbit mooning would do?
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:22, archived)

I think a picture of you mooning
with a rabbit coming out of your arse would be best
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:24, archived)

this

( blinder back for good, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:25, archived)

Even better
if it was a glove puppet rabbit holding a carrot and smiling.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:26, archived)

wow!
that was my thought too


*tumble weed*
( umbongo I vote for Evil Lu as Mayor of /talk, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:28, archived)

1) open paint
2) draw a circle
3) click "yellow"
4) click "fill".


done.
( Dirty Bob hasn't been here for ages, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:24, archived)

Rape her
Its not a crime if shes foreign
( Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:25, archived)

*frowns*
*checks with lawyer*
*rushes to chinatown*
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:25, archived)

Im orf to the pub!
Byyyyyyeeee!
( Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:26, archived)

I could take photos
and put them on the card.

Actually, she is so wrong, that she probably has teeth up there. I don't think I'll risk it.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:27, archived)

Teeth ?
Up her camera ?

Dirty cow
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:27, archived)

wikipedi-ing it
It's about a rabbit and a woodcutter who live on the moon, and a celebration of family unity.

Sounds fab.
( monkeon schmonkeon, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:52, archived)

Geurcha
you caaason
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:20, archived)

?
cara de nabo.
( umbongo I vote for Evil Lu as Mayor of /talk, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:21, archived)

turnip face?

( asparagus time Is in Brazil., Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:29, archived)

Kein Deutscher mehr?

( diffy maybs, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:12, archived)

Mutterficker!

( Hoohah Bibbly-bobbly-bubbly-snibbly wib-wib floppit., Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:15, archived)

bitte?
er sind grosse bumsex, naturlich
( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:16, archived)

Comes back as

ask? it are naturlich large bumsex
( diffy maybs, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:18, archived)

*ass rapes*
x
( blinder back for good, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:18, archived)

*hides the donkeys*

( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:20, archived)

did you know that zebras make donkey noises?
or at least they do when you're up 'em
( blinder back for good, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:22, archived)

SSSHHHHUUUTTTTT UUUUUPPPPPP!
*phew* there, I read somewhere if you say it loud enough in english anyone who is foreign can understand.
( umbongo I vote for Evil Lu as Mayor of /talk, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:20, archived)

You have to gesticulate too

( Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:21, archived)

FFFUUUCCCKKKEEERRSSSS
*gesticulates wildly*

ok?
( umbongo I vote for Evil Lu as Mayor of /talk, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:23, archived)

*gesticulates
all over your chin*
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:23, archived)

gesti eja
( Mr. Tea 'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh', Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:23, archived)

Hurrah!
I get my own Science lab next year! No interactive whiteboard, mind, which is a bit shit.
( Rev. A-MOL is lurking around these parts again, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:12, archived)

Hahah, you're a teacher

(0800221155 Coldseal windows, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:14, archived)

this

( asparagus time Is in Brazil., Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:18, archived)

Well, as long as you've got a good strong lightning
conductor on the top and an endless supply of sex starved Romanian midgets, I think you're hardly
in a position to complain about a lack of whiteboards.
( Benny on the Loose; a permanent solution to a temporary problem, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:16, archived)

Not had a Science lesson
for a while, have you?
( Rev. A-MOL is lurking around these parts again, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:19, archived)

burn things in protest, with fire,

( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:17, archived)

I hate those whiteboard things.
They lead to an overabundance of Teaching By Powerpoint, also known as a state of utter mindless tedium.
( so long and thanks for all the fish, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:37, archived)

I'm baking a cake.
a whole cake. this is the first time I've baked a whole cake and not just batches of fairy cakes or muffins before. I'm not entirely convinced I'll know when it's cooked in the middle. I won't know until tomorrow when it gets cut (gannet's birthday) if the marbling has worked (trial run for the ratbag's birthday cake).
( Jadeviper was still alive on, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:07, archived)

poke a knife into it
if it comes out clean it's cooked, if it comes out with cake mixture on it, it's not.
( asparagus time Is in Brazil., Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:08, archived)

is it likely to sink
if I do that before it's cooked? fairy cakes only take 10-15 minutes to cook, I'm assuming a whole cake takes a lot longer
( Jadeviper was still alive on, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:11, archived)

I work on about 20-30 mins
always seems to work...
(P-nut Obsessive Compulsive Green Day Disorder..., Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:16, archived)

B3ta/talk is so edgy. it pushes the boundaries of good taste.
i mean... marbling.
( Dirty Bob hasn't been here for ages, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:09, archived)

she wants a pink cake
so I'm compromising with pink marbling
( Jadeviper was still alive on, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:10, archived)

mr kipling does a cracking cherry bakewell.
and could save you hours in which you could do something less devestatingly domestic.
( Dirty Bob hasn't been here for ages, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:11, archived)

no no no
the best birthday cakes are made by your mum, you can't have a cherry bakewell as a birthday cake! philistine.
( Fergburger, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:13, archived)

this
I loved the birthday cakes my mum used to make, and bought cakes just don't have that delicious crunchy top under the icing

I will also be experimenting with making pink butter icing using Crusha
( Jadeviper was still alive on, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:15, archived)

this makes me know that at the age of 28
i am at least 15 years off the possibility of having kids.

"daddy, will you help me blow out my candles?"
"do it your fucking self, i'm playing poker with the boys. and don't piss yourself tonight as i'm having a threesome with your mum and her bisexual friend and i don't want interruptions from a piss-drenched little shit like you".
( Dirty Bob hasn't been here for ages, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:17, archived)

when *was* the last time you had a threesome
that wasn't in your head?
( blinder back for good, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:20, archived)

never
but at aged 43, the ruined old crones will be gagging for it.
( Dirty Bob hasn't been here for ages, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:22, archived)

We all clubbed together so JV could have her sprog's party,
so who reckons we should all chip in to provide dorty bib with a couple of semi-lesbotic hookers?
( Mr. Tea 'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh', Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:25, archived)

sounds good
can i have a slice please? wrapped up in a piece of kitchen roll in a party bag with a little toy and some sweeties and a balloon? can i, can i, can i, pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaase?

/5 year old
( Fergburger, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:20, archived)

I am considering starting to bake things
I think this might make me a homosexualist
( Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:10, archived)

Well if it's any consolation
I'm a lesbian
( Dugs - The artist formerly known as Dugsybaws, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:10, archived)

Tell me about it.
I could lez for England.
( Mr. Tea 'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh', Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:14, archived)

Try flower arranging
or ballet instead
YOU BIG SHANDY DRINKING PUFFTY.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:12, archived)

no, pushing them into other mens bums with your cock will

( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:12, archived)

I don't think there's been much doubt about
your homosexualness for some time.

Now stick your cock back in my bum, there's a good chap.
( Benny on the Loose; a permanent solution to a temporary problem, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:13, archived)

We must go drinking in Reading at some point soon
You poof
( Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:16, archived)

I shall be at a shindig in Reading this very Friday.
Unfortunately, my diary is full every weekend after that until the beginning of August....
( Benny on the Loose; a permanent solution to a temporary problem, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:18, archived)

stick a skewer in it
if it's got gooey cake on it it's not ready, if it comes out clean it's cooked
( Fergburger, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:10, archived)

use a stick, and poke it

( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:10, archived)

Ask a suitably endowed male friend
to stick his cock into it. If he gives a litte wry grin of pleasure, and a bit of a grunt, then it's cooked to perfection.
( Benny on the Loose; a permanent solution to a temporary problem, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:10, archived)

plus
free icing!
( chobb ,ø¤ºGREATº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤ºRAPISTº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤ºRECOMMENDEDº¤ø, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:12, archived)

Yay!
Extra protein for the kiddies.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:13, archived)

and it's then
creamed as well....

can I have a slice when it's cooked*?



_{*I don't want any of the cream though}
( umbongo I vote for Evil Lu as Mayor of /talk, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:13, archived)

that's how to tell when it's cocked
not when it's cooked. but I can see where you got confused
( Jadeviper was still alive on, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:17, archived)

The World Wide Net will be the ruin of us all.
Discus.
( Mr. Tea 'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh', Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:06, archived)

Hasn't it done that
already...?
(P-nut Obsessive Compulsive Green Day Disorder..., Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:07, archived)

When it's time for me to hand in my thesis
I'm going to just have to give them a bit of paper with TEH INTERWEB BORKED MY BRAIN LOL!!!!111!one on it.
In multicoloured 72-point Comic Sans.
( Mr. Tea 'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh', Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:11, archived)

I like champagne.
Nebucadnezzar!
Or is it?
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:08, archived)

if you had a world wide net
you could catch all of teh fish.
( Dirty Bob hasn't been here for ages, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:10, archived)

But you might kill some wolphins

( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:13, archived)

What London Transport needs
is the consultancy services of Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock.
( Dirty Bob hasn't been here for ages, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:06, archived)

Mmmm
Sandra Bullock

*fwap fwap*
( Dugs - The artist formerly known as Dugsybaws, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:07, archived)

What I need
is Keanu Reeves under my patio and Sandra Bullock on my hot throbbing mancock.


/may not actually have a patio
( Mr. Tea 'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh', Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:08, archived)

No, you build the patio on top of him
Killing first, patio second
(0800221155 Coldseal windows, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:10, archived)

london is rubbish
discuss
( blinder back for good, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:36, archived)

S'better than Paris
Nice place to spend a weekend, shit place to live or work.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:37, archived)

Paris is the shittest place in all the world
Had the unfortunate pleasure of being in Charles De Gaulle airport on Friday.

Dirty, stinking, disorganised, toilet of a place.
( Dugs - The artist formerly known as Dugsybaws, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:39, archived)

Most overrated city in Europe
and it's full of dog poo.

Nice tower though.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:40, archived)

That isn't dog poo
Its probably man poo
( Dugs - The artist formerly known as Dugsybaws, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:41, archived)

They dont have men in France
Just effete, chain smoking wankers
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:42, archived)

Frog poo

( Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:42, archived)

I'll be buggered
if I go to gay pari
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:30, archived)

On a lighter note
Was returning the rental car, and I jumped in front of this Merkin couple who were farting about unpacking luggage.

The guy says to his wife, "Thats typical of these French ignorant bastards. Just jump in front of everyone not giving a damn about manners. What a fucking impolite clown"

So I dont say a word, until I hear him say to his wife, "How do we get to Terminal 2B". I, calm as you like, say "You follow that underpass over there and go up the stairs"

His face was a picture.
( Dugs - The artist formerly known as Dugsybaws, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:44, archived)

ha!
Bon!
( chobb ,ø¤ºGREATº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤ºRAPISTº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤ºRECOMMENDEDº¤ø, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:48, archived)

You rude harlequin!

( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:01, archived)

meh
i've been living here for six years and am thoroughly sick of it
( blinder back for good, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:40, archived)

It's a shit place to live
and it's expensive.

What are you some sort of masochist ?
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:41, archived)

somedays i think that i might be
:(

or i'm a whore for cash
( blinder back for good, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:43, archived)

*hands over two bob*
*fists*

*feels dirty*

*repents*
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:45, archived)

you are a catholic
AICM lifetime of guilt and grubbiness.
( Dirty Bob hasn't been here for ages, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:48, archived)

n a
( asparagus time Is in Brazil., Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:51, archived)

*reads through message*
*finds "n"*
*replaces*
*guffaws*
( Dirty Bob hasn't been here for ages, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:55, archived)

I didnt get it at all
*shrugs*
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:56, archived)

repents repeats
( asparagus time Is in Brazil., Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:59, archived)

Ah
I was changing the first "n"

In "Hands"

Which just made me sound all Geordie.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:01, archived)

This
although I've never been to Paris.
( Newington, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:46, archived)

It's dirty, smelly and unfriendly.
Other than that, it's OK.
( chobb ,ø¤ºGREATº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤ºRAPISTº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤ºRECOMMENDEDº¤ø, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:37, archived)

Better than oop narth
:)
( Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:38, archived)

Good point

( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:39, archived)

OI!
Its nice up here. Plenty of sheep.
(Elfroid How Long Have We Had These?, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:43, archived)

Our sheep are prettier than yours.
Wherever you're from.
( chobb ,ø¤ºGREATº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤ºRAPISTº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤ºRECOMMENDEDº¤ø, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:46, archived)

Northerners bum sheep
Londoners bum Northerners who come to London in the mistaken belief they can get a job & a flat.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:47, archived)

Shop keepers in the north are nice.
They ask after your kids and wife.
And when you've had
A good chin wag
They pop your provisions in a bag.

/Shuttleworths
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:42, archived)

my firm once sent me to london to give a course
it was entitled:

"how to say thank you and be friendly, you miserable southern twats". they couldn't grasp the concept at all.
( Dirty Bob hasn't been here for ages, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:46, archived)

Scottish bus driver was rude to me today
for asking how much a day ticket was.
( Newington, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:48, archived)

You're lucky you weren't in London.
He'd have shot you in the face.

Seriously, I know it's not the most wonderful job in the world, but is an application requirement that every London busdriver has to a psychotically rude, unhelpful jobsworth? I've had a driver turn me away because he couldn't (or wouldn't) change a fiver. Twat.
Every so often you get one who's helpful or friendly or even just basically polite and you almost faint.
Sorry, rant over.
( Mr. Tea 'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh', Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:53, archived)

in birmingham
it's exact change only. So if you've only got a fiver then you either get no change or don't get on.

edit: actually they probably wouldn't take a fiver, coinage only.
( asparagus time Is in Brazil., Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:56, archived)

so the rationale is:
english sterling but no change: no entry
Correct change and fucking big bomb: climb aboard
( Dirty Bob hasn't been here for ages, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:00, archived)

On most routes in London you have to buy the ticket before you get on.
Exact money only, of course.
Until a couple of years ago it was 70p for a journey within or without Zone 1, 1 quid if you entered or left Zone 1. Then they had this big advertising campaign saying 'London is now a one-fare city!', as if they were making it easier for you. Except thet just made ALL journeys 1 quid.
And now it's a quid and 20p.

I think the lesson we can learn from this is that buses are shit.
( Mr. Tea 'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh', Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:00, archived)

Buses in London are phenomenally shit
The tube is much more likely to get you killed quicker.

Actually I find walking is the best way to get anywhere less than 5 miles away in London.

There's always destitutes to laugh at on your way.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:03, archived)

hang on...
i'm talking north of england. i can't explain those drunken fuckers.
( Dirty Bob hasn't been here for ages, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:53, archived)

Common mistake there
Not all Southerners are Londoners.

London is not the entire south of England.

There are people in Cornwall and Dorset who are just as shit thick and inbred and prone to sheep molestation as any Northerner.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:50, archived)

'When I'm travelling down to London, I stop off at Birmingham to get used to less friendly people.'
/Mrs. Merton
( chobb ,ø¤ºGREATº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤ºRAPISTº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤ºRECOMMENDEDº¤ø, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:53, archived)

Ooh, and the Isle of Wight!
*puffs out chest proudly*
( Mr. Tea 'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh', Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:54, archived)

A gene pool shallower
than Paris Hilton
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:55, archived)

Watch it,
or I'll get Uncle Dad to beat you up.
Those extra fingers give him a hell of a right hook.
( Mr. Tea 'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh', Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:57, archived)

right hook good time when masturbating
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:59, archived)

So my gripe
I regularly fly through Heathrow and I think I can count on one hand how many people who work there are actually English. (and when I mean English, I'm talking about who can speak English and have been born in England)
( Dugs - The artist formerly known as Dugsybaws, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:55, archived)

Would you want to work in Middlesex
for shit money ?
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:58, archived)

Working in a county that doesn't even exist?
Yeah, that would suck.
( Mr. Tea 'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh', Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:02, archived)

What happened to it then ?
Al Qaeda ?

No, they'd only be killing their own if they targeted anywhere around Heathrow
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:06, archived)

In your fucking dreams!
;)
( chobb ,ø¤ºGREATº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤ºRAPISTº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤ºRECOMMENDEDº¤ø, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:42, archived)

London = Full of Northerners
North = Not full of Londoners
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:44, archived)

London = full of everyone.
Based on the variety of folk who come to live there, it must be the best place in the world.*


*I don't actually think this, but I do quite like the place nonetheless.
( Mr. Tea 'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh', Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:46, archived)

You forgot expensive

( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:41, archived)

Good point.

( chobb ,ø¤ºGREATº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤ºRAPISTº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤ºRECOMMENDEDº¤ø, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:44, archived)

Yeah
But you can make the phrase "loon do" out of the name.
( Dugs - The artist formerly known as Dugsybaws, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:37, archived)

you should do something about it,

( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:38, archived)

Discus is rubbish


_London
( The Coast Of Yemen, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:38, archived)

Personally, I prefer the shotput....

Mmmm.... German Shotputters...
( Benny on the Loose; a permanent solution to a temporary problem, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:45, archived)

ooh
controversial
( Sexy Picard 2000, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:39, archived)

Why controversial?
Its a fairly valid point
( Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:42, archived)

You are a terrorist bomber
And I claim 20p back when I purchase a 200g jar of Nescafe just present this voucher to the cashier...
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:40, archived)

are you saying that al-queda
are just trying to make a statement about how rubbish london is?

*re-evaluates everything that he's heard or seen in the last 4 years*
( blinder back for good, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:46, archived)

Yes.
They are simply misunderstood chaps who are highly sensitive to issues of aesthetics particularly in architechture and inner city planning.
They were just trying to 're-model' things to stop their eyes hurting.
Unfortunately, they got a bit heavy handed.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:49, archived)

I don't really see the attraction of living there
far too busy.
( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:44, archived)

Pfft!
You said "far t"
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:45, archived)

vehr ist
der krunkenluff?!
( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:57, archived)

hello you lot
anyone seen Jadeviper or Dekazer?

Edit - if they appear, I will be on the 6.30 out of Glasgow, getting into waverly about 7.20. I have no cocking idea where t'pub is though ... Droothy Neebors?

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:24, archived)

Yes
Hippy looking bird and the other ones a Scot
( Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:26, archived)

funny...
6 out of 10, cos I'm feeling generous

I need to confirm tonights drinking arrangements in scotchland.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:28, archived)

Was MSNing her earlier
She seemed to think she was heading to Waverly about 7:30ish to pick you up. And that she'd be at the pub from about 8...

Edit www.b3ta.com/talk/631655
( The Teviot Moose major 5th., Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:30, archived)

Tonight you will be mostly drinking
Buckfast and whiskey from a cup fashioned out of a scotch egg.
Nyum nyum nyum.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:31, archived)

Hahahaha

( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:32, archived)

e

/spirits pedant
( Mr. Tea 'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh', Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:33, archived)

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

/overindulgent vowelist
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:34, archived)

You are Brian Harvey,
AICMFP.
( Mr. Tea 'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh', Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:36, archived)

Scotch whiskey is whisky
and Irish whisky is whiskey. Or something.

*whisks it, to add to the confusion*
( Newington, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:41, archived)

It's a whisky business.
*spangs self*
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:43, archived)

I know.
We're talking about scotch, hence 'whiskey' is incorrect.
( Mr. Tea 'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh', Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:43, archived)

JV has some posts down there vv
about plans for this evening.
I might drop along but must not get drunked.
( Newington, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:27, archived)

May see you there
I'm planning on making an appearance
( Dugs - The artist formerly known as Dugsybaws, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:31, archived)

Guten Tag
JV's around, Dekazer's been silent all day. Probably working herself up to a monster session tonight. Have a good one!
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:27, archived)

working herself up to a monster session tonight. Have a good one! flicking her bean in a frenzy over your image
( Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:29, archived)

I saw jadeviper earlier.
She has a great new picture in her profile...
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:27, archived)

I think whoever made that pic
has "issues".
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:29, archived)

Tissues ans Issues?
( chobb ,ø¤ºGREATº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤ºRAPISTº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤ºRECOMMENDEDº¤ø, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:30, archived)

I'd issue into her tissue
but I wouldnt fight her boyfriend for the priveledge.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:32, archived)

You'd be too busy slapping your cock about on his bottom.

( chobb ,ø¤ºGREATº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤ºRAPISTº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤ºRECOMMENDEDº¤ø, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:34, archived)

I dont see that it's any of your business what I do
to get me hard enough to satisfy your mother.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:35, archived)

JV posted 5 minutes ago

( elusive I'm not really here. You're imagining me, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:27, archived)

It turned out
that they are just figaments of our collective imagination and don't actually exist.
( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:28, archived)

I hate when that happens.
That happened with my parents once.
I had to punish them with knife-sex.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:29, archived)

Is there someone
who looks after you ?
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:31, archived)

I keep him in a condom
lodged in my digestive tract.
( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:32, archived)

I am larger than crisps.
Nigella Lawson... hubba hubba.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:32, archived)

I've gone off her
I'm into Kirstie Allsopp now
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:33, archived)

what?
as you type?
( Dirty Bob hasn't been here for ages, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:40, archived)

No,
but GAZ was looking for you earlier...
( Mr. Tea 'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh', Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:31, archived)

its behind nicholson street
near block busters
(thisismyclone, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:34, archived)

No.
You're thinking of the other one.
It's in Florence Avenue halfway between the chippy and the curry house.
And Boots.
The one with the opticians inside.
Near the dog tied up outside the co-op.
It's an alsation.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:37, archived)

Out of waverley
go across North Bridge or up Cockburn Street, depending on which way you came out of waverley, and along South Bridge for a while.
South Bridge will become Nicholson Street, Clerk Street, and South Clerk Street as you proceed.
After maybe 20 minutes' walk (?) turn right onto West Preston Street. Drouthy's is at the far end, on the right.
( Newington, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:37, archived)

sorted
used to be a local of mine.

*jealous*
(thisismyclone, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:41, archived)

I used to live just above it
and regularly win the pub quiz, what with the very same weekly quiz being on at the Steamie two days before.
( Newington, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:44, archived)

really?
that's a top tip, my friend.

*anticipates many won pub quizzes*
(thisismyclone, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 16:13, archived)

And Round 4, Question 3
is always Belgium.
( Newington, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 17:00, archived)

Question:
When you receive a call on your mobile, it displays the caller's number.
So why do you have to pay for this service on your landline? Eh? Eh?
(Nothing to see, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:23, archived)

Because god* hates you.
*and BT
(tacpprm has a mmrpcat, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:24, archived)

Because on your landline
you're not already being ripped off left right and centre for any other "service" your network cares to provide.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:24, archived)

Complete guessing
But the mobile protocols are far more modern than landline protocols, so the concept of caller id probably didn't exist when they were first invented, but were easy to add to a brand new protocol like mobile ones

They then found a way to do it as part of the old protocols, but is not as easy, so you have to pay for it

Like I said, total guess though
( elusive I'm not really here. You're imagining me, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:26, archived)

There are three explanations:
1. The first one.
2. The final one. and
3. The one before the final one.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:26, archived)

because line rental/call charges are higher on a mobile,
thus covering the cost of providing a Caller ID service

/guess but seems plausible
( Fergburger, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:27, archived)

That's the thing I can't get my head around.
How much can it possibly cost the network to forward an 11 digit number whilst making the connection? I'd imagine as good as nothing.
(Nothing to see, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:30, archived)

Do you think that telling a lass
that mobile phones* use witchcraft was a silly thing to do?

She seems to have stopped replying to my emails.

*portable telephone machines
(tacpprm has a mmrpcat, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:22, archived)

You can't argue with science.

( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:25, archived)

science = satanism
and emails are the work of beelzebub!
(tacpprm has a mmrpcat, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:26, archived)

Yes you can.

( chobb ,ø¤ºGREATº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤ºRAPISTº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤ºRECOMMENDEDº¤ø, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:26, archived)

"Oh no you can't"

(Nothing to see, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:27, archived)

I can see birds on the roof.
I wonder what they are up to.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:14, archived)

I'm in my garden
enjoying the lovely sun!
(Quatermass and teh Shit, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:15, archived)

Swine!
I am all at my desk.
Grrrrrrrrr.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:22, archived)

Smoking fags
discussing Hegelian dialectics, and arguing over whether the TiVo will record Changing Rooms for them or not.
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:16, archived)

The philosophical discussion surrounding TiVo and
Changing Rooms is one that should be a part of every young bird's life.
( The Teviot Moose major 5th., Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:20, archived)

along with
a never ceasing round of bummings from horny mice.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:21, archived)

how many cocks
could that Smillie woman fit in her mouth at once?

Thesis twelve, antithesis one, synthesis seven. Philosophical proven that she can manage seven big spunky cocks.
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:22, archived)

I'd give her one
If she paid well
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:25, archived)

Picture proof

( Dugs - The artist formerly known as Dugsybaws, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:16, archived)

Ain't got none
cambra.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:20, archived)

Are they naked goddesses,
taken to sunbathing on the roofs in the extreme heat?
(Nothing to see, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:17, archived)

Nope.
Seagulls, I think.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:20, archived)

Seagulls
are the reincarnated souls of dead pikeys.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:22, archived)

But
surely seaguls are a higher form of life, which would imply they're being rewarded for something...
(Nothing to see, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:24, archived)

Rewarded
with the gift of being able to eat rubbish ?
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:25, archived)

I wandered round my new home city
and found the spirit of the place exemplified by a homeless man begging for pennies in a Fairtrade Arabica tin.
( Newington, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:22, archived)

Which city is that?
Pompy? Bummingham?
(Nothing to see, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:26, archived)

Edinburgh
Atmosphere of utopian intellectual cafe-culture mixed with some nasty poverty.
That's what it means to me, anyway.
( Newington, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:29, archived)

Ooh.
I'm applying for a job there. Should I not bother?
(Nothing to see, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:31, archived)

Definitely do bother -
it's a beautiful place.
It's just that something about the city on a sunny day makes you forget that anyone in the world is unhappy, and trip over a homeless guy.

100% of opinion. There are other edinb3tans to ask too.
( Newington, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:34, archived)

Now this is how to sell a phone
cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=6410585172
( Dugs - The artist formerly known as Dugsybaws, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:49, archived)

Poss Gay Interest?

( Benny on the Loose; a permanent solution to a temporary problem, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:55, archived)

Damnit
Need to go pee and I dont want to walk through the building with my shoes
( Dugs - The artist formerly known as Dugsybaws, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:58, archived)

So take your shows off...
(do a spoof)
( The Teviot Moose major 5th., Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:00, archived)

cnut

( Dugs - The artist formerly known as Dugsybaws, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:02, archived)

Piss in your shoes,
tie them together and whirl them around your head.

If anyone complains, simply tell them that you are effecting a cooling aromatherapy mist, to soothe & calm your fellow employees.
( Benny on the Loose; a permanent solution to a temporary problem, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:00, archived)

"Need to go pee"?
Speak English, boy!
( Mr. Tea 'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh', Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:00, archived)

Sorry
I have the compelling urge, to perambulate to the nearest water closet, and expel urine from my urethra.
( Dugs - The artist formerly known as Dugsybaws, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:02, archived)

That should be 'through' not 'from'.
You are expelling it from your bladder.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:07, archived)

www.b3ta.com/talk/631750
( Dugs - The artist formerly known as Dugsybaws, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:09, archived)

Mwah!
Wub woo.
Mwah mwah mwah!
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:10, archived)

have you been washing your hands?

( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:02, archived)

"Why aye man, it's much betta than the last one, these are reeealy good and don't suck at all, honest!"

( hoifbjifbef, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:00, archived)

*demands a refund*

( Benny on the Loose; a permanent solution to a temporary problem, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:01, archived)

I don't think it has those sort of attachments

( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:00, archived)

genius - i want to buy it just cos it's so funny
"In summary:

I hate it.
I detest every atom of it's existence.
It's creator should be tied down and eaten by ants.
The factory that makes them should be melted by a big laser from space.
It doesn't have a camera
It barely functions as a phone

Do you want it? Bid Now!"
( Dirty Bob hasn't been here for ages, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:00, archived)

I detest the whole concept
of mobile telephony
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:02, archived)

Why?

( chobb ,ø¤ºGREATº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤ºRAPISTº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤ºRECOMMENDEDº¤ø, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:04, archived)

I like to be places where no one can contact me
I hate listening to other people bellow into them on the train.

I cant understand how people are stupid enough to be financially milked with this "fasion item" thing every six months.

I cant understand this "It's a phone and a sort of crap camera, limited use MP3 player and works OK as a radio" I have a fucking camera that takes good pictures and I have an MP3 player, fuck off !

*gets hump*
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:08, archived)

I only turn mine on when I'm making/expecting a call. Otherwise it's turned off.
I agree about the modern uses of a phone. Mine is years old and just makes calls and texts. And the ringtone is, shockingly, a phone ringing.

They are also great for emergencies.
( chobb ,ø¤ºGREATº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤ºRAPISTº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤ºRECOMMENDEDº¤ø, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:12, archived)

You are part of the solution
not part of the problem.

It's these cunts with crayzee frogs and phones that double up as vibrators that get on my cock.

They are, as you say, good for emergencies.

I never take mine anywhere except for work, they pay for it.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:14, archived)

that pisses me off
what if someone needs to get in touch with you as an emergency but you're not expecting the call so you don't have your phone on?
( Jadeviper was still alive on, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:14, archived)

It's not the end of the world. They'll get in touch somehow.
Unless it actually is the end of the world, of course. Then I'd look a bit of a chump.
( chobb ,ø¤ºGREATº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤ºRAPISTº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤ºRECOMMENDEDº¤ø, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:18, archived)

This.
Whilst I spend far too much on my phone, I also appreciate the fact that I can do useful things with it.

Things like letting my parents know that my train/plane is delayed so they don't have to spend hours waiting in the hell-hole of Bristol Airport/Temple Meads...
( The Teviot Moose major 5th., Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:19, archived)

That would count
under chobb's "turning it on to make a call" use, wouldn't it?
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:20, archived)

Fair point.
*reads post properly*
*still keeps phone turned on anyway*
( The Teviot Moose major 5th., Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:25, archived)

Then they're as screwed
as they were ten years ago, when the world also failed to grind to a halt.
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:19, archived)

Yep.
The phone is for my benefit, not other peoples'.
( chobb ,ø¤ºGREATº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤ºRAPISTº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤ºRECOMMENDEDº¤ø, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:24, archived)

Yeah
Mine is:

1. Great for smashing windows
2. Using as a life aid for drowning children
3. Extinguishing small kitchen fires
4. A scalpel is emergency trachaeaectomies
5. Removing stones from horses hoofs

It'd be nice if I could make a call from it
( Dugs - The artist formerly known as Dugsybaws, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:15, archived)

I can't afford a camera
so the camera on my phone is all I have. I've had it for three years now.
( Jadeviper was still alive on, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:12, archived)

Ah
Now you've made me feel mean.....
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:16, archived)

I just got a new camera phone a few weeks ago
And yours still takes much better photos than mine
( Dugs - The artist formerly known as Dugsybaws, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:17, archived)

A camera
may be an option here.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:20, archived)

only because
I've had a lot of practice taking pictures with a camera phone
( Jadeviper was still alive on, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:22, archived)

Here's the proof
Here's me enjoying my newly built deck.

It was a hell of a sunny day

Shit picture
( Dugs - The artist formerly known as Dugsybaws, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:25, archived)

Would you rather have the houseboy take messages while you're inspecting the field workers?

( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:04, archived)

I detest the whole concept
of mobile telephony
Mooooo! I am a cow! Moooo! I give milk to the children via the medium of my udders! Mooooooo! Far out, man. Like, woh!
ARSE KITTENS!

A hahahahahahahahahaha!
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:05, archived)

ARSE KITTENS I like hairy bums
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:08, archived)

I know you do.
But what am I?
Or something.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:11, archived)

bummers are deaf
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:12, archived)

What?

( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:21, archived)

I said
you love teh cock off hairy men with aids
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:23, archived)

This.

( Bob Todd whee, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:06, archived)

I, too,
detest the whole concept of mobile telephony.
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 15:11, archived)

Owen Wilson.
A face you wouldn't get sick of slapping?
( chobb ,ø¤ºGREATº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤ºRAPISTº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤ºRECOMMENDEDº¤ø, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:44, archived)

I like him, slightly, if it's dark, and I'm dead

( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:45, archived)

is this about necrophilia?

( blinder back for good, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:46, archived)

I don't know, but it's awfully squishy

( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:47, archived)

Aaahh! Necrophilia
Its dead good
( Dugs - The artist formerly known as Dugsybaws, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:52, archived)

This
have at you! cunt!
( The Coast Of Yemen, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:46, archived)

who?

( Jadeviper was still alive on, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:46, archived)

a man from holywood
with floppy hair
( blinder back for good, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:48, archived)

Quentins son
used to be Victor Meldrew
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:48, archived)

The sort of bloke
who should only open his mouth to change cocks.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:47, archived)

fmfmfmfphphp
wha..?

fmpnmpmphphphhhh
( Benny on the Loose; a permanent solution to a temporary problem, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:56, archived)

You shouldnt talk with your mouth full
you'll leave tooth marks on his glans
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:57, archived)

So, I had a haircut today
There was the shampoo, and then the "second wash" which always comes as a surprise. But! Then there was the mysterious "third washing". I have never heard of this practice, let alone seen it in action.

Thoughts?
( The Coast Of Yemen, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:34, archived)

You have stinky, greasy hair!

(tacpprm has a mmrpcat, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:35, archived)

This is the only conclusion
a rational mind can come to.

Personally I think the hairdresser was wanking into your locks throughout the experience.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:36, archived)

It was a woman.

( The Coast Of Yemen, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:37, archived)

And..?

( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:37, archived)

I... er...
come again?
EDIT: I thought "wanking" was a purely male pasttime, as opposed to "flicking the bean", etc.
( The Coast Of Yemen, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:39, archived)

Hence
three washes.
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:40, archived)

Ahh,
enlightenment
( The Coast Of Yemen, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:42, archived)

Exactly
you've never seen a woman spluff hot, wet sticky ladyjizz out of her bearded clam at the point of climax ?
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:40, archived)

Actually, no

(Nothing to see, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:41, archived)

You've been watching the wrong films.

( magnum, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:42, archived)

The truth is out there
seen it with my own eyes
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:43, archived)

Me too
Different woman.
I hope.
For your sake.
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:52, archived)

Pffft
I would imagine that the phenomenon affects more than one woman.

I think they do it to give you a taste of your own "sleeping on the wet patch" medicine
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:55, archived)

Certainly
a taste of something.
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:56, archived)

Let's face it:
she pissed herself, and told you it was 'cum' so you wouldn't kick her out of bed for the manky old slack-bladdered doxy she was.
( Mr. Tea 'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh', Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:56, archived)

If you talk about my grandmother like that again
I'll punch you in the poo-hole !
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:59, archived)

with a cock

( Benny on the Loose; a permanent solution to a temporary problem, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:43, archived)

conditioner
you norbert
( Jadeviper was still alive on, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:35, archived)

So what was the second one then?

( The Coast Of Yemen, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:36, archived)

Rinse and repeat.
Always repeat.
( homonk, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:39, archived)

this is what happened to me not more than an hour ago
one wash "opens the cuticles"
two wash "cleanses the cuticles"
conditioner "closes the cuticles".

i don't care what it does, there's a fit girl rubbing my head. good.
( Dirty Bob hasn't been here for ages, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:42, archived)

at the same time
as you're getting your hair washed? that's good customer service
( Jadeviper was still alive on, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:44, archived)

Ahh, I see
and indeed
( The Coast Of Yemen, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:44, archived)

fit tub
( Mr. Tea 'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh', Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:48, archived)

that's not a hair cut.. that's a hair wash
the only time they do that is if you have nits, you lice infected disease carrier.
( Enigmatic ™                 Voice No More                  ©, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:35, archived)

Someone wanked on you.

( chobb ,ø¤ºGREATº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤ºRAPISTº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤ºRECOMMENDEDº¤ø, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:35, archived)

Has anyone been to a topless barber's
I hear there's one in Paisley where buxom topless lovely ladies wash and cut your hair in the comfort of their nakedness
( Dugs - The artist formerly known as Dugsybaws, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:36, archived)

Yes, but its in Paisley.
And frankly that gives me teh fear.
( The Teviot Moose major 5th., Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:37, archived)

Don't worry
they're on leashes.
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:38, archived)

And their tits
must itch like fuck with all that hair on them.

And I also am not sure I'd want to sit next to the sort of bloke who would want to go to a topless hairdresser whilst waiting to be "done"
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:45, archived)

pfffft :P

( Jadeviper was still alive on, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:47, archived)

related:
is it just me or when you're having your hair washed by a lady, do they not insist on stuffing their boobs into the back your neck?

it could just be me
( blinder back for good, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:37, archived)

Are you complaining?

(0800221155 Coldseal windows, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:38, archived)

Yeah
you gayer
( The Coast Of Yemen, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:39, archived)

i am complaining
mainly cos i is a baldy these days and no longer get the tit massages

(from female hairdressers)
( blinder back for good, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:39, archived)

My missus cuts my hair
so thats not a big deal
( Dugs - The artist formerly known as Dugsybaws, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:39, archived)

Happens to me as well
And once while I was having it washed she had to lean across to get some more shampoo and she stuck it right in me eye. At this point I didn't want to blink in case she thought I was touching her up.
( magnum, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:39, archived)

Arf!

( The Coast Of Yemen, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:41, archived)

you big ponce,
just hack at it with a rusty pair of hedgetrimmers
( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:42, archived)

It actually happened to a mate
I just put my head in a shredder*



_{*is all lies}
( The Coast Of Yemen, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:47, archived)

I am finding life very dull today.
I demand that you entertain me!
(tacpprm has a mmrpcat, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:33, archived)

*trains poodle to smoke*
*Tames lion*

*masturbates*
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:34, archived)

*masturbates nose*

( The Coast Of Yemen, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:35, archived)

*dances*
*strips*
*jiggles*
( Jadeviper was still alive on, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:35, archived)

*records*

( blinder back for good, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:38, archived)

*sells*
...
*profits*
( Taylorcamb, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:39, archived)

*sings*
You to me are everything
The sweetest song that I can sing
Oh baby
Oh baby
To you I guess I'm just a clown
Who picks you up each time you're down
Oh baby
Oh baby
Every day is like survival (survival)
You're my lover not my ri-i-i-val
Karma karma karma karma karma chamelion.
You come and go
You come and gooooooooo...
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:37, archived)

blurgh
i have a cold

who wants to wipe my nose?
( blinder back for good, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:25, archived)

I am an expert at that

( Jadeviper was still alive on, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:26, archived)

excellent
can you do it with your tits?
( blinder back for good, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:27, archived)

You
positively shit class, young man.
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:29, archived)

TITS!
TITS! TITS! TITS! TITS! TITS! TITS! TITS! TITS! TITS! TITS! TITS! TITS! TITS! TITS! TITS! TITS! TITS! TITS! TITS! TITS! TITS! TITS! TITS! TITS! TITS! TITS! TITS! TITS! TITS! TITS! TITS! TITS! TITS! TITS! TITS! TITS! TITS! TITS! TITS! TITS!

Sorry, I was overcome with the tit-rage.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:29, archived)

You said
"tit" and "come" and "over".

*sniggers*
(Nothing to see, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:35, archived)

I've never tried
I tend to favour thumb and forefinger in a hanky for snotty noses and tits for feeding
( Jadeviper was still alive on, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:30, archived)

It's never too late to change.

( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:30, archived)

A turgid nip
can surely do the job of a well placed thumb ?

*Hatches plan for a whole new website of nip-bogey porn*
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:33, archived)

AAAA-CHOO!

( The Coast Of Yemen, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:35, archived)

that's not very adventurous
you never know you might like it
( blinder back for good, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:35, archived)

Hope it's not GC
www.wingtunes.com/public/songs.aspx

I really think she does a great version of the Beatles classics
( Dugs - The artist formerly known as Dugsybaws, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:24, archived)

I'd like to hear her version of "Highway to hell"

(0800221155 Coldseal windows, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:27, archived)

( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:28, archived)

She is too bad even for my taste.

( Enigmatic ™                 Voice No More                  ©, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:29, archived)

she is pretty awesome in southpark

( dantl, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:37, archived)

yaar!
Oi now 'ave an oi-patch

unfortunately it's white and not black and it hasn't got Cap'n Jack Sparrow behind it
( Jadeviper was still alive on, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:24, archived)

Yarrrr!!
Fancy shivering me timbers?
( Dugs - The artist formerly known as Dugsybaws, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:26, archived)

I had no idea you had a wooden leg
are you coming out to play tonight?
( Jadeviper was still alive on, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:27, archived)

Possibly
What time?
( Dugs - The artist formerly known as Dugsybaws, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:28, archived)

I'mm collecting mighty badger off the train
around 7.30 and taxiing from there to the pub. Teviot Moose should be around by 8pm and Dekazer thinks that's all far too early so she'll be along later on (though it's not going to be a late night for the rest of us)
( Jadeviper was still alive on, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:32, archived)

Possibly
I'll be driving though
( Dugs - The artist formerly known as Dugsybaws, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:37, archived)

Avast!
And: Why?

Please tell me it's the new summer fashion...
(Nothing to see, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:27, archived)

conjunctivitis
and reading makes my eye ache so the doctor told me to get a patch at the chemist
( Jadeviper was still alive on, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:29, archived)

I did that
Except that I looked stupid with a Nicorette patch over my eye

Made me dizzy and sick too
( Dugs - The artist formerly known as Dugsybaws, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:30, archived)

Eeek
I had really bad conjunctivitis when I was little.
Both of my eyes just crusted up.
I seem to remember there were some painful but helpful eye drop type things.
( Hoohah Bibbly-bobbly-bubbly-snibbly wib-wib floppit., Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:32, archived)

I have antibiotic eyedrops
but I have a really nasty case of tonsilitis and this conjunctivitis seems to be as potent
( Jadeviper was still alive on, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:37, archived)

Arseviolins
Poor you.
( Hoohah Bibbly-bobbly-bubbly-snibbly wib-wib floppit., Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:41, archived)

Have you had a cock/eyeball interaction?

( chobb ,ø¤ºGREATº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤ºRAPISTº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤ºRECOMMENDEDº¤ø, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:27, archived)

iPatch
4,000 dubloons in your chest.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:27, archived)

Paint a red cross on it
Be Elle Driver à la Kill Bill Vol. 1.
( Hoohah Bibbly-bobbly-bubbly-snibbly wib-wib floppit., Mon 11 Jul 2005, 14:28, archived)