fecking twunts
working in a government building means they've moved us from black alert to amber alert. We now have to put our 4 digit employee ID into the passcard system was well as swipe out cards.

I'm a contractor so I don't have a fecking employee ID, so I can't get through any of the doors... wankers!
( umbongo I vote for Evil Lu as Mayor of /talk, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 14:01, archived)

Good excuse to not go to work then
Surely?
( grindforcolumbine Terrorism is bloody rude., Fri 8 Jul 2005, 14:03, archived)

but I also
can't get to the coffee machine!!!! arrrggghhh
( umbongo I vote for Evil Lu as Mayor of /talk, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 14:05, archived)

But at home
you don't need a coffee machine.
( grindforcolumbine Terrorism is bloody rude., Fri 8 Jul 2005, 14:08, archived)

Fuck it
Go home.

My building decided to spend this week on complete lock down. So they put a couple of our ageing servitors at the front gate, which has remained wide open all week :D Good job teh anarchists weren't too interested in us eh..
( Dekazer, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 14:03, archived)

Oh I don't know
some of the servitors I knew were the scariest bastards known to mankind...
( The Teviot Moose major 5th., Fri 8 Jul 2005, 14:07, archived)

Servitors?
Aren't they what He-man's domestic help are called?
( Johnny Catfish - Yowsa!, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 14:21, archived)

Pub then?

( Johnny Catfish - Yowsa!, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 14:04, archived)

Go home!
Or have they locked you in?
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 14:05, archived)

no, I can go
out for a smoke, I just can't get back in.. se we're all leaving the door on the catch.. so security is even worse that it was before... onstep forwards... 2 back.
( umbongo I vote for Evil Lu as Mayor of /talk, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 14:07, archived)

put a different colour paint on each of the numbers
when someone puts their 4 digit number in, examine their finger, the resulting colour (say DULUX summer meadow or stagnant pond) will allow you to work out the four digits pressed
( Dai_Marzipan Ain't no party like an S Club party, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 14:07, archived)

This is the most
intelligent idea I have ever heard.
You are a genius.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 14:21, archived)

A man cannot be said truly to live
unless he has something he would die for.

So what is it?
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:46, archived)

my wife is the only woman ever in my life
I would happily die for (if only to stop her nagging)*

Nigella is on ITV!! I would like to fuck her.

* the nagging may be a joke if she sees this.
( Enigmatic ™                 Voice No More                  ©, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:49, archived)

You have a lurking wife
or are you just terrified?
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:58, archived)

Says who?
/not in much of a hurry to die for anyone or thing

edit: Maybe this. I just found it. It's black & sivler, has an LCD display, is covered in blue LEDs and looks like the world's most complicated USB vibrator/butt plug combo, making it more desirable than life itself.
( Nimble Colin camera-wrangling, globe-trotting whisky enthusiast, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:49, archived)

You are worrying me more
by the minute.
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:54, archived)

I don't have a use for it, I don't play flight sims.
It just fits into all my categories for what defines the ultimate in shiny trinkets: silver space age aesthetics, blue lights & LCDs.
( Nimble Colin camera-wrangling, globe-trotting whisky enthusiast, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:56, archived)

WOW.
But how much?
( grindforcolumbine Terrorism is bloody rude., Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:55, archived)

Wow.
That's an ugly mobile phone!
( Johnny Catfish - Yowsa!, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:55, archived)

TGMTFH!!!

( Mr. Tea 'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh', Fri 8 Jul 2005, 14:03, archived)

right now?
toasted cheese and peanut butter sandwich.
( MCQ Cartoons n' shit: bagowank.com, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:49, archived)

Sick fanatics like you
should be exterminated like the vermin you are.
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:55, archived)

True friendship
Fortunately all my friends are cunts.
( Fenris temporary Lazarus, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:49, archived)

What, even your fake internet friends?
*Looks around the board*

Oh, I see, good point.
( Lonewolf - O R'lyeh? Ya R'lyeh!, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 14:00, archived)

The people I love

( Dekazer, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:51, archived)

Right now,
I'm dying for a shit, but I think that's just the result of all the lentils I've had this week.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:52, archived)

Lentils?
The joss sticks are strong with this one.
( Nimble Colin camera-wrangling, globe-trotting whisky enthusiast, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:55, archived)

What's wrong with joss sticks?

( Fenris temporary Lazarus, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 14:02, archived)

wrong
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 14:04, archived)

Hippy

( Dekazer, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 14:04, archived)

Hahaha
I believe the 'leet' phrase is:
"Pwned"
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 14:05, archived)

Icklepeach
mocked me yesterday when she told me the time was 13:37, and I said, oh hehe, 1337 o clock.

*despairs*
( Dekazer, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 14:13, archived)

Fuckers
*sits sulking in a room with sandlewood joss sticks*
( Fenris temporary Lazarus, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 14:22, archived)

You haven't lived
until you've tasted my lentil chili.

*awaits strikethrough*
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 14:03, archived)

I challenge you to explain how chili with lentils can possibly
be better than chili with Meat™. It's made with animals and everything.
( Nimble Colin camera-wrangling, globe-trotting whisky enthusiast, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 14:04, archived)

Actually,
it's not, and I can make it with and without meat to equally high standards.*

*The not-so-secret ingredient is dark chocolate.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 14:07, archived)

strikethrough penetration
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 14:06, archived)

You never said what you'd be prepared to die for.
I'm guessing it would be the ability to make wookie noises ;)
( Nimble Colin camera-wrangling, globe-trotting whisky enthusiast, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 14:07, archived)

Haha
Am I so easy to read?
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 14:10, archived)

Hahahahaha
For some reason that made me laugh far too much
( Fenris temporary Lazarus, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 14:36, archived)

*knits own yoghurt*
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 14:04, archived)

Hahaha

( Nimble Colin camera-wrangling, globe-trotting whisky enthusiast, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 14:06, archived)

I would die to rid the earth of pulse-munching hippy scum

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:55, archived)

My cloud of toxic gas
will protect me from harm.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 14:00, archived)

r

Vegetarian scumbag.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 14:01, archived)

potect?
( grindforcolumbine Terrorism is bloody rude., Fri 8 Jul 2005, 14:05, archived)

Ham

( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 14:08, archived)

OUR BELOVED SAVIOUR LORD JESUS CHRIST AMEN
edit: or Allah ... depends who has the best afterlife bribes.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:52, archived)

What I don't get
is why 'Allah' is never translated to English.
(s0WmVHAwZgpG, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 14:00, archived)

To differentiate him from his alter egos 'God' and 'Yaweh'.
And thus cause wars and religious hatred and suchlike.
( Mr. Tea 'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh', Fri 8 Jul 2005, 14:05, archived)

it's a name
people don't normally translate names

(apart from the french)
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 14:11, archived)

I'd take a bullet
for Brian Blessed.
( grindforcolumbine Terrorism is bloody rude., Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:53, archived)

Amen!
Can I get a witness?
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:55, archived)

No.
Because there's a cover up.

/BBB
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:57, archived)

Pfft!

( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:59, archived)

I'd dye for an arts and crafts stall
at a summer fete, selling tie-dyed table cloths.

I would not die for anything. I'm too important.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:56, archived)

rta te
(s0WmVHAwZgpG, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 14:01, archived)

Now you
know that isn't true.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 14:04, archived)

this charming carriage clock
and set of Diana: Queen of all our hearts plates.
( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:58, archived)

Take a wild guess...

(P-nut Obsessive Compulsive Green Day Disorder..., Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:59, archived)

The Backstreet Boys?

( Lonewolf - O R'lyeh? Ya R'lyeh!, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 14:01, archived)

closest one...

(P-nut Obsessive Compulsive Green Day Disorder..., Fri 8 Jul 2005, 14:22, archived)

A strawberry mivvi?

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 14:01, archived)

Rolf Harris's semen
in a commemorative Live-8 test tube with a flashing green LED in the bottom being carried by three trained hamsters that have been shaved and painted to look like internal organs.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 14:03, archived)

This
But I want the hamsters when she's done.
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 14:07, archived)

Cock?

( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 14:04, archived)

What animals have you killed?
What animals would you like to kill?
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:31, archived)

A few small birds.
Michelle McManus.
( DrPoppers Touched by his noodly appendage, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:32, archived)

one very large bird

( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:34, archived)

you'd need some sort of elephant rifle,

( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:34, archived)

A rifle made
from an elephant, how odd.
( DrPoppers Touched by his noodly appendage, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:35, archived)

Don't be silly
it fires elephants.
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:37, archived)

It fires peanuts and sticky bun grenades

( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:37, archived)

Sounds like
my arse.
( DrPoppers Touched by his noodly appendage, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:40, archived)

"Sticky bun grenades"
NOT
"Stinky bum grenades".
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:44, archived)

this made me snort

( MCQ Cartoons n' shit: bagowank.com, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:50, archived)

Elephants can't fire guns!
They don't have any fingers.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:37, archived)

then how do they use the phone?

when they make trunk calls?

/hides
( Enigmatic ™                 Voice No More                  ©, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:38, archived)

/finds
/slaps
(Uncle Vinnie, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:40, archived)

you
mwahahahaa
( bookerina, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:32, archived)

I shudder at the thought of killing animals.
I'm one of those people who, if faced with the prospect of killing their own dinner, would have no choice but to become a vegetarian.
(s0WmVHAwZgpG, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:33, archived)

I'd like to at least give it a go.
I quite like the idea of stamping on a chimps face.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:34, archived)

... forever.


/George Orwell.
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:37, archived)

As a general rule
I despise people like you.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:39, archived)

*blinds with shiny ringpiece*

(s0WmVHAwZgpG, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:42, archived)

*slaughters small animals while you eat*

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:51, archived)

Manimal from the TV series
it'd be like killing 4 animals at once.
( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:33, archived)

None personally
Although I was in a car that savagely murdered a deer.

I suppose if I had to kill one it'd have to be a very nice tasting one. A veal calf maybe.
( Dekazer, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:33, archived)

For all the fuss about it being excessively cruel,
veal tastes like crap.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:36, archived)

I'd agree with this.
When I had veal I found it to be all the meh.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:38, archived)

I quite like it actually
I once had it on a plane, oddly.

Or maybe a nice big fat game creature. A deer or a pheasant or summat..

Now I'm hungry again.
( Dekazer, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:39, archived)

I'm not too keen on deer or pheasant, either.
Farmer walking through the woods near his land, comes across a beautiful young woman. "I say," he says, "are you game?" "I certainly am," she replies, fluttering her eyelashes...

...So he shoots her.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:45, archived)

Arf :)

( Fenris temporary Lazarus, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:53, archived)

Pfft!

( Johnny Catfish - Yowsa!, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:54, archived)

If it's cooked well
like lamb, it's delicious. If it's cooked indeifferently, it's bland shite, and a disgrace to the calf.
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:39, archived)

This.
I don't eat veal, but only because I think it tastes crap.
(s0WmVHAwZgpG, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:39, archived)

Yes.
I just order it and scrape it onto the tablecloth and squidge it in.
Just to make sure they don't stop making it.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:42, archived)

I had veal by accident in France
and it's fucking lovely. I don't care how cruel it is, if they had to slaughter a 1000 dow eyed calves for one steak I'd view it a price worth paying.

/guilty pleasure
( Fenris temporary Lazarus, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:43, archived)

This
but with horse instead of veal, Italy instead of France and no by accident.

so not this, really... hey-ho.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:46, archived)

Horse is pretty minging, too.
I ate that when I was in Switzerland.

The Swiss know fuck all about good food.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:50, archived)

I have to say horse
was the best meat I have ever had.
Italians know fucking everything about cooking.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:54, archived)

The one thing most guaranteed to insult the french
is to remind them that the Italians are better at cooking.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:57, archived)

However, it's a very close call
as to who is better at running away.
( Mr. Tea 'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh', Fri 8 Jul 2005, 14:07, archived)

the italians were marginally faster
but less efficient as they couldn't quite decide who they were running from so just flapped around waving their arms and squawking
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 14:13, archived)

Veal makes baby jesus cry/wank

( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:36, archived)

which
is a good thing.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:38, archived)

It results in blizzards, and popes dying,
and salty snowmen
( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:42, archived)

Michell McManus
A few small birds.
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:35, archived)

Judy
from comedy duo richard and judy..
( Mrfishfinger .com, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:36, archived)

Ah, you!
*pokes*

What of your ants? The blog hasn't been updated for a while.
( Nimble Colin camera-wrangling, globe-trotting whisky enthusiast, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:38, archived)

funny you should say that,
I'm working upn an update just now... been moving house... and its a pain in lil boy boobies...
( Mrfishfinger .com, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:44, archived)

Ah.
Everybody is at it these days. You are excused.
( Nimble Colin camera-wrangling, globe-trotting whisky enthusiast, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:45, archived)

A fox...
well, etchnically it wasn't me since I wasn't driving, but it was my car and I was in it
(P-nut Obsessive Compulsive Green Day Disorder..., Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:37, archived)

But if you were controlling the driver
with your mind, it would be you that killed the fox.
( Geordie Al, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:42, archived)

wabbits and puppies
one for eating the other for being too cute


and an owl and a fox ... although they were mostly accidental

I'd quite like to kill a buffalo with my bare hands and teeth.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:38, archived)

I waged war on a wasps nest one year I was younger (and have the scars to prove it)
I'd like to kill every hornet and monkey/ape (Gorillas and Orang-utans can stay) on the planet as the first lot make me shit myself and the second lot are evil and planning something
( Fenris temporary Lazarus, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:38, archived)

I declared genocide on waspkind
one summer long ago, the war continues.
( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:40, archived)

Ooo oo oo ahh eeeeee!
When you hear that, run for the nearest atomic shelter.
This will be your only warning.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:40, archived)

Pfffft
*imagines big butch Fenris running around a field flapping and leaping*
( Dekazer, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:41, archived)

Are you confusing him with a Cassowary?

( Nimble Colin camera-wrangling, globe-trotting whisky enthusiast, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:42, archived)

A swift google
tells me that no, I have never confused him for one of those.

I may be confusing him with a big sissy ;)
( Dekazer, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:53, archived)

After Wiki-ing
that, I can see it's be an easy mistake to make.
( Fenris temporary Lazarus, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:55, archived)

Hornets and Wasps are nasty fuckers
I don't mind Bees, but the others are just flying wisps of pure malice.

Death to malicious flying insects!

*holds rifle aloft*

Edit: Monkeys and suchlike are OK, though. Don't see your problem with those.
( Johnny Catfish - Yowsa!, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:45, archived)

Outbreak
28 Days Later
Planet of the Apes
2001
King Kong

Are you fucking blind man?!
( Fenris temporary Lazarus, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:54, archived)

Any Which Way But Loose
Tarzan
Gorillas in the Mist
Meet the Fockers (Stiller looks like an ape)
Any Which Way You Can
Monkey Trouble

See? They're all perfectly harmless - if a little light-fingered
( Johnny Catfish - Yowsa!, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 14:01, archived)

CONGO! CONGO CONGO CONGO!
Who can forget the angry African chappy barking 'Stop eating my sesame cake!' at Tim Curry?
( Mr. Tea 'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh', Fri 8 Jul 2005, 14:09, archived)

Well don't come running to me
when you find yourself choking to death on hurled-monkey shit is all I can say. Their day is coming my friend, you can see their plans in their insanely manic grins and I for one am not going down without a fight.

*stockpiles bananas and rat poison*
( Fenris temporary Lazarus, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 14:11, archived)

Prostitutes
They gave me sinful urges. I had to.

/misses trips with Uncle Pete
( Rev. A-MOL is lurking around these parts again, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:40, archived)

bump
I did knock down a fox once, at a school crossing with a lolly pop lady. I wasn't going very fast then pop....

I didn't think it was right to leave it lying there where the crying kids (they really were crying, i felt bad) to see. So i got a bin bag out of the boot and picked it up to move it to the side of the road.... The bones all cracked when i picked it up.

Poo fell out one end and what looked like a lung was coming out the other... I'm going to leave the next one
( Mrfishfinger .com, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:46, archived)

TGMTFH

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:50, archived)

I've shot rabbits before
but I'd like to have a crack at something more challenging, like a convict*.


*may or may not be semi-inpired by Running Man
( Johnny Catfish - Yowsa!, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:48, archived)

Pray for him...
you know... erm... this guy.

His messageboard
( Rev. A-MOL is lurking around these parts again, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:13, archived)

I shall pray to false gods.
BWAHAHAAAAA!
( hoifbjifbef, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:14, archived)

Cthulhu is on his way.

(tacpprm has a mmrpcat, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:19, archived)

Take not His name lightly!
www.b3ta.com/talk/417679
( Mr. Tea 'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh', Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:22, archived)

I'll say cthulhu if I want.
Cthulhu! Cthulhu! CTHULHU!!!

See! Nothing happ[NO CARRIER]
(tacpprm has a mmrpcat, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:29, archived)

I hope cthulhu is not on his way

I'm buggered if I would know how to pronouce his name.
( Enigmatic ™                 Voice No More                  ©, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:30, archived)

I take it to be Kul-hul-hoo,
with the initial "Kul" sound made in a similar way to the noise that Gollum made in The Hobbit (as described in the books, not as portrayed in the LOTR films, where it was more of a hacking cough).
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:33, archived)

Cthulhu (n)
pron: Cuh-riss-peee
( Geordie Al, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:35, archived)

lol.

( Mr. Tea 'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh', Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:30, archived)

*sigh*
One day 'NO CARRIER' will be no use since everyone will have ADSL, cable or wireless. :(
(s0WmVHAwZgpG, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:34, archived)

What a prick
I shall break from my areligious habits and sacrifice a small mammal in the hope of bringing divine wrath upon his head.
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:16, archived)

can we just sacrifice him instead?

( bookerina, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:18, archived)

this ^

( Enigmatic ™                 Voice No More                  ©, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:20, archived)

using a small mammal
death by vole-nibble must be excruciating ... eventually
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:20, archived)

I was on the same landmass as the explosions.
Could someone pray for me, too?
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:16, archived)

I would rather pray
that you quickly find your way back to the loving breast of b3ta talk.
(s0WmVHAwZgpG, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:25, archived)

The shining light of your glowing, freshly polished ringpiece,
will guide me through the wilderness, I am sure.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:29, archived)

I will goatse
every night until your return.
(s0WmVHAwZgpG, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:36, archived)

I nominate you
to write and direct the sequel to Batman Begins.

Robin: "Holy handbags, Batman! Is that the bat signal?"
Batman: *sigh* "No, Robin. That's Comissioner Gordon's ringpiece... ...again."
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:41, archived)

Pfft! I thought you meant Robin Johnson.
That'd be funny.
( Mr. Tea 'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh', Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:48, archived)

What
a cunt.
( DrPoppers Touched by his noodly appendage, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:16, archived)

what a complete twunt

( bookerina, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:16, archived)

I shall order Satan to get behind me
and ask him to wipe this arsepiece from the face of the earth.

What a whiny cunt of the first order.
( Johnny Catfish - Yowsa!, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:17, archived)

I am never buying another one of his records ever again.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:18, archived)

B2K, indeed.
*snigger*
( hoifbjifbef, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:20, archived)

Even though I am obviously deeply cool and down-wid-da-kidz
I have never heard of this person or his ex-band until this thread. Did I miss an episode of Top of the Pops last summer or something?
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:23, archived)

Must be some Merkin thing.

( hoifbjifbef, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:24, archived)

"again" ?
Sounds as though you have something to confess.
(tacpprm has a mmrpcat, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:20, archived)

OMFG! UR a Omarion H8R!

( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:20, archived)

That should be "an" Omarion H8R!
/civic duty
( Nimble Colin camera-wrangling, globe-trotting whisky enthusiast, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:25, archived)

OMG!!!!!!oneone
You are a H8R 2!
Mybe UR a fag?
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:27, archived)

i no u r bt wot m i

( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:29, archived)

UR my frnd.
wanna cyba?
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:34, archived)

omg do u liek horsez??!!!
/hadtobesaid
( Mr. Tea 'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh', Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:36, archived)

f u n e m?
The two Ronnies invented txtng.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:36, archived)

Four Candles?
What the fuck are you talking about, you inarticulate fat shit?

/Best of the Two Ronnies - The Directors Cut
( Johnny Catfish - Yowsa!, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:39, archived)

asl???!?!?
wana luk @ sum pupiez @ mi place in da wo0dz????!??
(s0WmVHAwZgpG, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:37, archived)

It's not Marion (pasty indie band of the 90s), you know?
It's the former lead singer of the fantastic B2K - aka the Double Whopper at Burger King
( Johnny Catfish - Yowsa!, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:22, archived)

You tell him!
Ha, Dr S! You got served!
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:24, archived)

PWNED!

( Johnny Catfish - Yowsa!, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:31, archived)

Miyako Hideway
is still a great song.
( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:32, archived)

The band lasted about as long as
a goldfish's good idea, though.
( Johnny Catfish - Yowsa!, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:40, archived)

*adds to list of cunts*
EDIT:

OMARION STORY ON REUTERS A HOAX

Statements and sentiments appearing in a Reuters-syndicated article (Thu Jul 7, 2005 9:22 PM BST) and attributed to the American R&B singer Omarion were never made by the performer. Contrary to statements made in the article, Omarion is in no way affiliated with the firm, AR PR Marketing, nor is "publicist Shana Gilmore" a legitimate publicist acting on behalf of the artist. Omarion regrets any confusion and sends his thoughts and prayers to the families of the victims of this horrific tragedy.
( The Coast Of Yemen, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:22, archived)

Ah, bollocks
Still, shall we hate him anyway?
( Rev. A-MOL is lurking around these parts again, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:26, archived)

That story not being true doesn't stop him being an R'n'b munchkin
with all the cultural significance of a fruits of the forest yoghurt. I think it is safe to still dislike him.
( Nimble Colin camera-wrangling, globe-trotting whisky enthusiast, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:28, archived)

He's a 20-year-old American 'R-n-B' star.
What's not to hate about him?
( Mr. Tea 'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh', Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:29, archived)

he probably has a lovely manicure

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:32, archived)

His music is probably
bland, soulless shite.
( Geordie Al, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:33, archived)

Oh! marion
MI5 investigating found this in googol:
www.arprmarketing.com/
www.eurweb.com/story.cfm?id=20343
( Dai_Marzipan Ain't no party like an S Club party, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 14:02, archived)

Are you his official spokesperson, now?

( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:30, archived)

I have a sore arse.

(s0WmVHAwZgpG, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:06, archived)

i'm still in bed

(Quatermass and teh Shit, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:07, archived)

What colour underwear do you have on?

Do you smell of sweaty-teenager-in-bed*?

*my favourite musk
( Johnny Catfish - Yowsa!, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:19, archived)

Oh, how could I have read past this without saying:
Hey! You dropped this:
/grooming
(s0WmVHAwZgpG, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:38, archived)

Finally got laid?
Or been sitting at the computer too long?
( hoifbjifbef, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:07, archived)

Experimenting with the contents of the salad drawer,
would be my guess.
( Mr. Tea 'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh', Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:10, archived)

You shouldn't judge others by your own standards

( Nimble Colin camera-wrangling, globe-trotting whisky enthusiast, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:11, archived)

*fashions a cravat out of lollo rosso*

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:14, archived)

Ooh, get you with your fancy Itie vegetables!
The rest of us had to make do with carrots and cucumbers.
( Mr. Tea 'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh', Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:18, archived)

Moreso
a little bit of an upset stomach resulting in two of the world's most acidic poos ever in a 2 hour period.

But that's not anywhere near as interesting as a bare headline of 'I have a sore arse.'
(s0WmVHAwZgpG, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:18, archived)

*gentle hug*

( hoifbjifbef, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:20, archived)

Did it go straight through the toilet and the floor below
like the Alien's blood?
( Mr. Tea 'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh', Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:20, archived)

No,
but my ringpiece has been left sparklingly clean after 18 years of accumulated grime was burnt away in two not-so-swift movements of the bowels.

Have a look and see for yourself!
(s0WmVHAwZgpG, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:22, archived)

if you unfocus your eyes
you can see a yacht.
( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:28, archived)

Ahh!
I wondered where that had got to.
(s0WmVHAwZgpG, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:30, archived)

Bending over
on a tube train?
( Rev. A-MOL is lurking around these parts again, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:13, archived)

Bum grapes?

( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:14, archived)

g s
( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:19, archived)

www.b3ta.com/talk/626446
(s0WmVHAwZgpG, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:21, archived)

Re.:
www.b3ta.com/talk/626270
Can I just say...
...it was obviously The World-Wide Zionist Freemasonic Communist Alien League, in cahoots with the Thule Society, the Knights of Malta and the Trilateral Commission, planting bombs in order to bring about nuclear war on the entire Muslim world as forseen by Nostradamus? And that if you take the books of the Old Testament in original Hebrew, transcribe it in Wingdings and then take every 113th character you get the lyrics to Heartbreak Hotel, thus PROVING that George 'Satan' W. 'Satan' Bush knew all about 9/11? Because 9*11 = 99 and an ice-cream with a Cadbury's 99 was Saddam Hussein's favourite treat?

Sorry for wibbling, conspiracy dickheads really wind me up. Carry on...
( Mr. Tea 'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh', Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:49, archived)

You're forgetting
the Illuminati secretly funding the Symbionese Liberation Army to provoke a neo-con backlash.
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:51, archived)

And what about the Bilderberg group?
Hmm? Forgotten about them haven't you.
( Lonewolf - O R'lyeh? Ya R'lyeh!, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:52, archived)

Shit, I had forgotten them
and they're coming for tea tonight!
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:53, archived)

You'll never fill all those vols au vent in time!

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:01, archived)

*drops trousers*
Not on my watch!
( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:06, archived)

Well that goes without saying.

( Mr. Tea 'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh', Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:52, archived)

It's a conspiracy to make us all
think conspiracy theorists are dick heads!

*dons Kit Kat wrapper in place of tinfoil hat what I lefted at home*
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:52, archived)

This has actually occurred to me - a meta-conspiracy theory,
namely that the vast majority of idiotic conspiracy websites and books have been created secretly by the CIA to, as you say, make us think all conspiracy theorists are dickheads.
Still, the X-Files was quite entertaining for the first few series, so it's not all bad.
( Mr. Tea 'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh', Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:56, archived)

I don't know if these conspiracy theories are true or not.
I do know, that my life won't change significantly as a result of nut jobs banging on about it.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:58, archived)

I was in love with Agent Reyes.

( hoifbjifbef, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:03, archived)

I've been rewatching the X-files
and quite frankly I want to do Scully until she's broken in two.
( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:05, archived)

Not in the big-haired first few series though?
She was far sexier later on avec baby.

Anderson, you am teh craaaazy. :)
( hoifbjifbef, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:08, archived)

Their are some terrible hair and wardrobe faux pas
commited in the earlier series it's true.
( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:12, archived)

Dunno. She's sort of hot-and-boring at the same time.
Definitely do-able, what with that red hais and nice legs and cute nose, but she had the most boring character ever. In one episode her dad dies and when Mulder addressed her as 'Dana' she looked at him as if she was about to file a complaint of sexual harrassment.
( Mr. Tea 'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh', Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:13, archived)

She only has that one look.
Pouting lips and one eye half closed. As if she's about to have a seizure.

But still. Pretty as hell. :)
( hoifbjifbef, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:16, archived)

My eyes/balls must be borked
I find her about as sexually appealling as a sherry trifle.

Mmmmmmm ... sherry trifle.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:09, archived)

You're officially a gayer:
www.100megsfree.com/spooky42/scully/Pic01.jpg
( Mr. Tea 'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh', Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:19, archived)

Most gay men love Gillian Anderson.
It's a bit like the "Kylie effect".
( hoifbjifbef, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:23, archived)

But you sounded as if you'd like to put your winkie inside her, too?
And I know you used to like girls before you saw the light. :)
( Mr. Tea 'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh', Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:27, archived)

I would probably put my winkie in her if forced.
I'm an open minded queer.
( hoifbjifbef, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:30, archived)

"I'd shag Gillian Anderson if I was forced to."
Such modesty!
( Mr. Tea 'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh', Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:33, archived)

I wouldn't do it if she was an average woman.
But the celebrity status makes it a bit more exciting. And she might let me watch hardcore gay porn while I bang her.

I'd probably give her a snog for free though.
( hoifbjifbef, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:37, archived)

*inflaccidates*

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:26, archived)

But
Kit-kat wrappers are now made of plastic, not brain-ray-blocking aluminium.

Clearly this was done by the Lizards to foil plans such as yours.
(MSB Load universe into cannon. Aim at brain. Fire., Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:02, archived)

You are Dan Brown
AICMPoSM
( Johnny Catfish - Yowsa!, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:52, archived)

What,
stealing everybody elses ideas and getting rich off it?
( Lonewolf - O R'lyeh? Ya R'lyeh!, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:56, archived)

Somebody should write a conspiracy thriller based on
an author reading a few books and stealing characters, plot devices and research.

The original authors could then murder him and frame an ancient order of Franciscan Monks.
( Johnny Catfish - Yowsa!, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:02, archived)

Daddy or chips ?
that's the real question.
(Experiment 626, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:56, archived)

Kempston or Quickshot?

( Nimble Colin camera-wrangling, globe-trotting whisky enthusiast, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:00, archived)

Quickshot!
Oh, right, you're taking the piss, aren't you?
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:01, archived)

I was but good answer anyway.

( Nimble Colin camera-wrangling, globe-trotting whisky enthusiast, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:05, archived)

This latest conspiracy theory doesn't even make sense as a conspiracy theory.
Who is supposed to be conspiring with whom to do what and why? It would make the worst X Files episode ever.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:59, archived)

More to the point, I fail to see how the Israeli Embassy getting a bomb threat is meant to be significant.
They probably get bomb threats every day - just consider how many disaffected young Muslim lads there must be in London alone. And the Met/CID must have the duty to follow up every threat they get seriously.
( Mr. Tea 'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh', Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:02, archived)

Charles Clarke wants ID cards brought in
Tony wants to justify the War on Terror, the military-industrial complex has a vested interest, and Mister Al-Khazani in Finchley has a job lot of explosives to shift.

*eye twitch*
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:13, archived)

That's me persuaded.
Where do I subscribe to the newsletter/sign-up to the militia/send my personal cheque for ten thousand pounds?
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:17, archived)

Charles Clarke just appeared on TV and said that ID cards would not have prevented an attack like this.

It could well have been carried out by British terrorists, ie. who would have had perfectly legal ID cards.
(R-T-C Got arbitrage profits?, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:18, archived)

Charles Clarke on Today (Radio4) this morning:
"Yes, I want ID cards, but they wouldn't have helped to stop what happened yesterday." [paraphrased]
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:18, archived)

The problem with all these conspiracy theories
Especially those involving governments - is that governments change round so often, that it would be impossible to keep such a conspiracy running.

The only interesting thing in that regard, is that yesterday's bombing had 4 bombs, as did Madrid and New York. And no, I don't think this is a clue that it is some weird conspiracy, just an interesting factoid.
(R-T-C Got arbitrage profits?, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:16, archived)

I thought there were 5?
Edit: 3 tube bombs and a bus, according to BBC. Right you are.
( Mr. Tea 'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh', Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:23, archived)

i think my dog is gay...
... his cock tastes like shit.
( biscuits_alive taste my rainbow, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:43, archived)

Mmmmm Zoophilia.
Apparently to be overlooked if it can be proved that the animal enjoys it.
( hoifbjifbef, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:44, archived)

I always preferred Fozzie Bear....

( The Teviot Moose major 5th., Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:48, archived)

Wanky Wakka.
Or something.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:49, archived)

aaah, just come on here now
and this is the first topic to greet me


how i love thee talkboard :)
( MCQ Cartoons n' shit: bagowank.com, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:48, archived)

...and he's a really good dancer.

Does he know much about musicals?

Did he start yelping and pining when Kylie got Tit AIDS?
( Johnny Catfish - Yowsa!, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:48, archived)

I thought a merkin was a pubic wig, no?
Anyone want to google it? I'm at work. :((
(thisismyclone, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:36, archived)

No
a Merkin is a Gherkin that belms and holds balloons
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:36, archived)

It is indeed

( Lonewolf - O R'lyeh? Ya R'lyeh!, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:36, archived)

Innocent bystander?

( Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:37, archived)

It is
and..?
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:37, archived)

well what is all this talk of Merkins down below (so to speak)?
I assume it isn't meant in the wig sense
(thisismyclone, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:39, archived)

www.b3ta.com/talk/626303
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:40, archived)

Attaches helpful head-dobber:
A Merkin is another name for an American.

A merkin (lowercase M) is a pubic wig.
( Johnny Catfish - Yowsa!, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:41, archived)

"So, where do you come from?"
"Gee buddy, I'm a Merkin."

Needs saying with a Merkin accent.
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:46, archived)

Yes.
It is.
Do you want to buy one?
I have one I no longer wear.
Slightly soiled.
£10.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:39, archived)

Well, before the board goes under, may I just say
that Michaela Strachan is no less desirable now than she was twenty years ago.

I would quite happily do her so hard that Timmy Mallett gets pregnant.
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:28, archived)

She was a dog then
and she's a dog now.

Had her, she was shit.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:29, archived)

You are about as wrong
as Gary Glitter judging an under-10s nude jelly wrestling competition one-handed.
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:34, archived)

She's a goofy mong faced bitch.

Edit - but you are normally a man of taste so I shall let it pass.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:35, archived)

Yes.
Custard up her vadge.
My tongue.
Say no more.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:29, archived)

*holds back vomit*

(thisismyclone, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:37, archived)

vomit for money shot
( Johnny Catfish - Yowsa!, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:49, archived)

I just choked on a plum because of you, you cunt.
edit: I grew up watching the Really Wild show. Doing her would be like having sex with my mum. It's dirty, it's wrong and I would.
( Nimble Colin camera-wrangling, globe-trotting whisky enthusiast, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:30, archived)

And by plum he means
testicle.
( Shoosh up your lips Not state-funded, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:32, archived)

In my that's life magazine this week
there is a story about a woman who ripped out her ex lovers testicle because he didn't want to get back with her. She actually pulled it out just using her hands!

*shudders*
( diffy maybs, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:36, archived)

Well I'm glad
that's not my life.

*joins you in shuddering*
( Mr. Tea 'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh', Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:40, archived)

*feels the shuddering taking over*

*joins in*
( Johnny Catfish - Yowsa!, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:43, archived)

*fwaps*



_{What? Is that wrong?}
( Lonewolf - O R'lyeh? Ya R'lyeh!, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:46, archived)

Fwap while you still can.
The mad wimmin are after our goolies!
( Mr. Tea 'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh', Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:50, archived)

Don't see how it's my fault.
You'd have sex with your mum?
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:35, archived)

I feel that the ambiguity gives me an intriguing air of mystery.

( Nimble Colin camera-wrangling, globe-trotting whisky enthusiast, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:37, archived)

www.b3ta.com/talk/626382
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:44, archived)

Yes.
Those elephants have it so good with their trunks...
( The Teviot Moose major 5th., Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:31, archived)

Thanks to the wonder of Google
I can now wholeheartedly endorse this post.

*endorses*
( Lonewolf - O R'lyeh? Ya R'lyeh!, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:32, archived)

Don't you remember
kids' TV? Or did you grow up outside the UK?
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:36, archived)

I left the UK in 81
I do vaguely remember SwapShop and Tiswas but that's about it.
( Lonewolf - O R'lyeh? Ya R'lyeh!, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:39, archived)

After your time, then
where did you go?
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:40, archived)

Spent the next 17 years
in the hive of activity that is Luxemburg. Went to the European School there for my entire secondary education
( Lonewolf - O R'lyeh? Ya R'lyeh!, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:44, archived)

I went to Luxembourg once
and stayed in the Grand Cravat Hotel.

It was Nice - very sedate and extremely moneyed.
( Johnny Catfish - Yowsa!, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:51, archived)

She was the essence of shaggability
on that show with Pete Waterman.

I see some American newsites have started calling the London bombings '7/7'.
(Small Beer, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:33, archived)

That's 1 isn't it?
Why are they expressing whole numbers in fractions?
Fucking nut-job yanks.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:34, archived)

I used to think she was fit as a butchers dog when I was a nipper.

I wouldn't now, though. There's just something about her that I don't like.

I wonder what the twins from Fun House look like now...
( Johnny Catfish - Yowsa!, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:39, archived)

Is it the elephants?


edit: www.paramountcomedy.co.uk/inconceivable/watn_article/repa/id~17
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:41, archived)

Melanie and Martina

whole reason for tuning in wasn't it?
( diffy maybs, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:41, archived)

I would Google for Fun House Twins.
But I'm at work and my bank manager wants me to keep my job.
( The Teviot Moose major 5th., Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:42, archived)

I saw that
elephants program with her last night and was thinking the same.

Gawd, I love her in those safaris shorts she always wears...
(MSB Load universe into cannon. Aim at brain. Fire., Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:05, archived)

Robs' "Click The Colour not the word"
is the Jo Whiley 12:20 Skive on radio 1.
( Nonny Mouse. -- Scared as a Shitting Scorpion, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:23, archived)

It's fascism against the colourblind.
That's what it is.
(goat thinks you're shit, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:25, archived)

Until Jo Whiley's skive
is a crack at her mimsy, I'm not going to pay her any notice.
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:25, archived)

The thought of you taking a cack on her mimsy
gives me the fear.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:29, archived)

Pffft

( diffy maybs, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:38, archived)

Hello board
( Shoosh up your lips Not state-funded, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:14, archived)

www.b3ta.com/talk/626275
( hoifbjifbef, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:15, archived)

afternoon

( Giant bunny jumping out like a large happy tourettes rabbit, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:17, archived)

I should say so.
Cigarette?
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:18, archived)

*vomits on you*

( Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:22, archived)

The Mykey-barf is on me!
The Mykey-barf kid is strong and tough...
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:23, archived)

No thank you.
I smoke pipes.

*puffs away*
( Shoosh up your lips Not state-funded, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:30, archived)

It's a good job, really.
I haven't smoked for several months and I have no fags.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:32, archived)

Wotcher
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:19, archived)

11101010101101010010010101
do you understand?
( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:19, archived)

Nope
But Betty Bo's onto you, be warned.
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:22, archived)

IT WAS THE JEWS!
HITLER LIVES ON IN AN ARCTIC BASE WITH UFO'S!
( Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:26, archived)

Elvis is alive and working on a peanut farm in Nebraska!
Glen Miller never went missing!
( Nimble Colin camera-wrangling, globe-trotting whisky enthusiast, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:29, archived)

No
0111100101101111011101010111001000100000011001110110000101111001
( Shoosh up your lips Not state-funded, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:29, archived)

'lo

(P-nut Obsessive Compulsive Green Day Disorder..., Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:20, archived)

Hello.

( Nimble Colin camera-wrangling, globe-trotting whisky enthusiast, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:20, archived)

Aloha

( Dekazer, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:24, archived)

Yo 'sup, y'all?

/Fresh Prince of Burghfield Common
( Johnny Catfish - Yowsa!, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:26, archived)

Americans
Theory posed in our office...

All of the comments from Americans on the QOTW prove that the moon landings must have been faked.

Merkins couldn't possibly have managed that on their own.
(Yellow Car is now red, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:59, archived)

I'm confused
you mean they sent pubic wigs into space?
( Sonic 2 and Knuckles, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:01, archived)

Merkins...
from Merka.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:04, archived)

Knighted stays a Merka?

( Johnny Catfish - Yowsa!, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:07, archived)

Sure does.
Yee haw!
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:10, archived)

I don't read QotW responses
Generally they seem to be either a) made up or b) tedious beyond belief.

Any links to particularly relevant examples?
( Johnny Catfish - Yowsa!, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:06, archived)

This week,
every single response seems to be about Americans (mostly those who can't pronounce luffboruff).
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:09, archived)

the mispronunciation ones are hardly examples of forriners' stupidity
it's our fault for spelling things stoopid

apart from "edinburrow" ... that is just plain fuckwittery
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:11, archived)

Having heard someone call Loughborough "Loogerberooga"
I choose to disagree.
( Nimble Colin camera-wrangling, globe-trotting whisky enthusiast, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:14, archived)

I would like to challenge
all those who are criticising people for their pronunciation of place names that are foreign to them to try the following:
* Woolloomooloo
* Kakadu
* Wollongong
* Scone (tell me how it's pronounced differently to 'scone', as in the thing you eat)
* Stawell
* Watanobi
* Wagga Wagga
* Cairns
(s0WmVHAwZgpG, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:20, archived)

They're just pronounced exactly as they read, aren't they?
Apart from Wagga Wagga. We've got family there and you look a bit foolish if you say both Waggas.
( Johnny Catfish - Yowsa!, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:23, archived)

Half of it is locals being stupid.
Milngavie pronounced Mul-guy? Slaithwaite pronounced Sluthut? Arses the lot of them.
( Nimble Colin camera-wrangling, globe-trotting whisky enthusiast, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:28, archived)

Woolloomooloo
Kakadu
Wollongong
Scone
Stawell
Watanobi
Wagga Wagga
Cairns

Easy!
(MSB Load universe into cannon. Aim at brain. Fire., Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:29, archived)

It's people like you
that lost us the Empire
( Fenris temporary Lazarus, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:21, archived)

It's people like you
that lost us the Total Film Magazine.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:26, archived)

Hahahaha Americans are so stupid hahaha
and they're all fat and waddle around invading people hahaha and they say "fanny pack" haha.
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:12, archived)

Post that on QOTW.
I'd vote for it.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:14, archived)

Done

( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:16, archived)

And done

( trev Is not interested in your fripperies, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:17, archived)

and again

( Johnny Catfish - Yowsa!, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:20, archived)

votey votey
votey vote.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:22, archived)

I feel
so loved.
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:24, archived)

I voted for both you cunts
you'd better both fucking vote for me too.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:31, archived)

I see.
It's starting to fall under column B, then.

I'm all for having a pop at the Americans, but posting endless mis-pronunciation anecdotes... *yawn*
( Johnny Catfish - Yowsa!, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:17, archived)

c) jokes regarding length
d) I'm 1st/2nd/5th/84th! etc etc
( Nimble Colin camera-wrangling, globe-trotting whisky enthusiast, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:11, archived)

Gettin' down with ma homies.... YEAAAAH!
How are you all? Does anyone have any cranberry juice?

*sniggers at the old filter*

WATERMELON!
( hoifbjifbef, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:56, archived)

I am the holy proof
of the existence of an immortal soul.
Taste my urine.

Other than that, everything is good.
You, you pox ridden butter nob?
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:59, archived)

I got stoned and pissed with my brother last night...
Aaaaaand I got the number of a boy I like.

SCORE!
( hoifbjifbef, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:00, archived)

Yes.
Or not.
Depending on the water level.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:03, archived)

The water level happens to be optimum.

( hoifbjifbef, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:13, archived)

My bottom
tops thigh opium.

QED Ipso facto ergo sum, I WIN! Never darken my water again.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:17, archived)

zup ma nigga?

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:02, archived)

coverup underway already:
Original Associated Press and Israeli radio reports stated that Binyamin Netanyahu, the former Israeli Prime Minister received a warning before the first explosion that an attack was about to take place. Scotland Yard passed on a warning to the Israeli embassy who forwarded it to Netanyahu. Netanyahu was due to make a speech at a Hotel adjacent to the site of the first blast. He cancelled the speech and remained in his hotel room.

Arutz Sheva sourced Army Radio with the following.

"The Israeli Embassy in London was notified in advance, resulting in Finance Minister Binyamin Netanyahu remaining in his hotel room rather than make his way to the hotel adjacent to the site of the first explosion, a Liverpool Street train station, where he was to address and economic summit."

For an hour after the first blast, the government and the news media were reporting that the cause was an electrical power surge. If the government knew bombs were going to go off before they did, why did they report for an hour that it was an accident? Were they trying to bide time so they could get their story straight?

Both Scotland Yard and the Israelis have since denied that they had any foreknowledge of the attack.

Since the original report, major TV news networks have been completely silent on the Netanyahu story. They are just repeating claims that there was no prior knowledge.
(Betty Bo Bibster, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:54, archived)

Morning Jerry

How are we this morning?
( Johnny Catfish - Yowsa!, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:58, archived)

nope
no conspiracy, it did happen - check it out if you'r really bothered
(Betty Bo Bibster, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:14, archived)

Is there a single mentalist conspiracy theory in the world
that you don't buy into hook ,line and sinker?

Have you got an overactive gullible paranoia gland or something?
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:58, archived)

Hear hear.

( Fenris temporary Lazarus, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:00, archived)

Whte people are actually serpents!
They come from the centre of the earth and implant behavioural devices into black people!
( Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:06, archived)

Hey you!
Have you seen this?
I think you'd like it.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:08, archived)

Yup
seen it:)
( Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:09, archived)

Fair enough.
I liked the squeaky bed sex scene.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:11, archived)

only
this did happen - like I said ,if anyones bothered they could check it out themselves
(Betty Bo Bibster, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:23, archived)

That
is an awful lot of words. Condensed?
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:59, archived)

No crash at the Pentagon/Grassy Knoll/Area 51/the Jews/Masons/we're all going to die.
(Small Beer, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:02, archived)

ARRRGH!
*runs to the hills*
*contracts sheep AIDS*
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:04, archived)

ARGH THE BLACK HELICOPTERS ARE COMING!!!11!1oneone
Don't forget to secure your tinfoil hat with a chinstrap. Or something like that.
( Nimble Colin camera-wrangling, globe-trotting whisky enthusiast, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:03, archived)

Wordswordswordswords
wordswordswordswords etc.
( Dekazer, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:00, archived)

Well, thank god we know the truth now.
That will really effect me and the rest of my life.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:00, archived)

As my friend's car has a CD player, preventing the use of cassette adapters and mp3 players
I have been charged with burning enough music onto CD for the 10 hour drive to Scawtland on Sunday. So far I have approximately 8 hours worth but I'm not sure how much of it is good driving music. So, as ever I turn to you muso cunts for opinions and suggestions on good songs to drive to. Bring it on...

edit: One of my favourites on the list so far is by this lot. I was given a CD of their stuff by my mate after he did the sound for Broadstairs Folk Week. They are surprising ace and a little* different to my usual taste. Carla's Parlour is ace. More accordian, more I say!

*totally
( Nimble Colin camera-wrangling, globe-trotting whisky enthusiast, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:30, archived)

You need some Wolfstone for the drive through Scotland itself
There is nothing like abit of Celtic-Rock whilst meandering through the highlands...
( The Teviot Moose major 5th., Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:31, archived)

*jots down that name
for later downloading purchasing*
( Lonewolf - O R'lyeh? Ya R'lyeh!, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:34, archived)

Best album (IMO) is Year of the Dog
Hmmm.. I need to go home now and turn it up loud!
( The Teviot Moose major 5th., Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:37, archived)

Last time I drove through
the Highlands, an Aberdonian pal commandeered the CD player and made me listen to The Proclaimers, Del Amitri and the best of irritating pseudo-folk played badly for gullible people..

Vile. A bit of decent Shoogelnifty or Peatbog Faeries or something would be OK. And Saw Doctors.
( Dekazer, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:37, archived)

I agree on the Shooglenifty/Peatbogs...
Also try Ivan Drever/Duncan Chisholm for trad folk stuff.

Wolfstone is more folk-rock with electric bag-pipes & fiddles, with the energy for driving :D

Jury is still out on Capercaillie though...
( The Teviot Moose major 5th., Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:40, archived)

I saw them at
Heb Celt Fest last summer, they were OK.
( Dekazer, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:41, archived)

I need to find myself a nice wee folk festy up here to do
I miss being at home where Trowbridge Village pump and Larmer Tree were so close...
( The Teviot Moose major 5th., Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:45, archived)

Larmer Tree
is probably the best festival I've ever been to - 2003 - one day I'll make it back there :D
( Dekazer, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:51, archived)

Plenty of Runrig

( Geordie Al, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:33, archived)

I voted
for Born To Be Wild on the Top Gear poll. I wonder if that makes me a bit sad..

Personally I like Phat of the Land, Becoming X, Come Find Yourself and Garbage when I'm driving - plunder them :D
( Dekazer, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:33, archived)

Phat of the land...
yum yum yum.
*Loads CD into walkman*
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:37, archived)

motorcrash - the sugarcubes

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:34, archived)

RATM,
Smashing Pumpkins, Jimi Hendrix, The Shuttleworths, Captain Beefheart, Radiohead, Bluetones, Seahorses, My Life Story and the Vic Reeves version of Born Free.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:35, archived)

All of these ^
apart possibly from the Seahorses.
( Lonewolf - O R'lyeh? Ya R'lyeh!, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:40, archived)

Fair enough.
Can I have She Said by The Longpigs, instead?
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:41, archived)

I only found out last week that the Seahorses was John Squire's
band after the Stone Roses and as such I'm interested in getting their album as I only have one song.
( Nimble Colin camera-wrangling, globe-trotting whisky enthusiast, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:41, archived)

Taste
the disappointment.

Really, unless you're a big pub rock fan, I wouldn't bother.
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:45, archived)

This

( The Teviot Moose major 5th., Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:45, archived)

Gah.
I guess he probably went wrong when recruited a guy found on the street by a mate to sing and a bassist he saw in a pub.
( Nimble Colin camera-wrangling, globe-trotting whisky enthusiast, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:49, archived)

Seconded.
The seahorses give me the unexplainable rage.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:42, archived)

I saw them live.
And, now that I come to think of it, they were shit.
Worst gig I've been to.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:43, archived)

Yes to Vic Reeves!
I Will Cure You is one of my favourite albums. In fact, I'm going to listen to it right now :D
( Dekazer, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:45, archived)

Yay!
I don't have it with me, or I'd listen to that in one ear and progidy in the other.

I like Old Dog (or whatever it's called) the best.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:46, archived)

Meals on Wheels for me!
I had a copy on vinyl when I was about 14, and only managed to get it on CD earlier this year on ebay - it's the dog's.
( Dekazer, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:49, archived)

Irritatingly they are actually quite good choons
despite being silly.
And his singing is rather good.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:51, archived)

He has never topped
his cover of "Vienna"
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:52, archived)

Anything by Swervedriver
Raise and Mezcal Head are particularly excellent for this purpose.
( Johnny Catfish - Yowsa!, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:37, archived)

record ten hours of static
they will grow to love it.
( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:40, archived)

ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:40, archived)

System of a Down
and then get laughed at by pedestrians as you get carried away singing along at the traffic lights.

re: you edit, Zydeco stuff is cool. Middle Eastern and North African music can be good to drive to, especially if you are going to talk over it rather than sing a long :)
( Fenris temporary Lazarus, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:40, archived)

Also:
www.herebdragons.co.uk/

I have their album Alcohol and Rain and Milgi Milgi is a right romping little number and one that I imagine you would go for although I don't know why.
( Nimble Colin camera-wrangling, globe-trotting whisky enthusiast, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:45, archived)

Oh sounds good
(despite their taffyness). Any chance you could email me a couple when you get the time?
( Fenris temporary Lazarus, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:49, archived)

I'm away for two weeks as of this afternoon
so you'll have to remind me when I get back. Are you still woodwolf [at] yourusername.me or something?
( Nimble Colin camera-wrangling, globe-trotting whisky enthusiast, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:50, archived)

Half right
the woodwolf adress is in my profile, my other addy is myusername at myusername dot me dot uk

I'll try and remember when you get back! Have a really good time, I love(d) it up there, although you really need to be on a motorbike to make the most of it* ;)

*getting cold & rained on etc
( Fenris temporary Lazarus, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:53, archived)

I'm going to be in a tent in Scawtland
so getting cold and rained on is a given. No bike though im afriad.
( Nimble Colin camera-wrangling, globe-trotting whisky enthusiast, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:55, archived)

Where abouts are you going?

( Fenris temporary Lazarus, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:58, archived)

About 6 miles from Drumnadrochit and Urquhart castle.
It's about halfway up Loch Ness and up a bit.
( Nimble Colin camera-wrangling, globe-trotting whisky enthusiast, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:00, archived)

Ah sweet
I went down that road but it was so nice (to ride) that I caned it past the castle without getting a decent look.

There is a much better castle not too far from where you're going to be and it's a nice ride drive to get there. Head towards Kyle of Lochalsh and it's near Inverinate and Shiel Bridge. Definitely worth an excursion.
( Fenris temporary Lazarus, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:04, archived)

Eilean Donan castle?
If so, I think it is the one they used in Entrapment. My girlfriend keeps banging on about how great it is.
( Nimble Colin camera-wrangling, globe-trotting whisky enthusiast, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:07, archived)

If you drive around playing Middle Eastern music, you get some really good stares from people.

Agreed, that songs with non-English lyrics are easier to talk over. I much prefer those.
(R-T-C Got arbitrage profits?, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:45, archived)

and laugh
at their terrible lyrics.
( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:57, archived)

I've said it before
and I'll say it again: metal ain't about the lyrics, it's about how angry and loud you sing them ;P

Go take a look at the shite Disturbed have come out with but they still rock with at least 1.5 hands.
( Fenris temporary Lazarus, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:59, archived)

I'm just against
supposedly meaningful lyrics that mean fuck all.
( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:09, archived)

I recommend...
Some Phillip Glass.

A dash of Goblin.

Plenty of Akira Yamaoka.

And a nice helping of Dead Can Dance.
(R-T-C Got arbitrage profits?, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:42, archived)

Dead Can Dance is in no way
driving music!
( Fenris temporary Lazarus, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:43, archived)

Sorry
I usually travel by train.
(R-T-C Got arbitrage profits?, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:44, archived)

True
But they're fucking class! :D
(MSB Load universe into cannon. Aim at brain. Fire., Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:24, archived)

Usher
turn your bass up really high and cruise about in your 1.1 Nova. You'll look 'the shit'
( Fenris temporary Lazarus, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:45, archived)

And Nelly.
And make sure you have a band aid stuck to random part(s) of your anatomy. You'll be so down that all teh hot bitches will want to suck you off.
( The Teviot Moose major 5th., Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:47, archived)

I once requested a Nelly track in a club. I am so ashamed. In my defense it was in a crappy club I didn't want to be in anyway but still.... :/
( Fenris temporary Lazarus, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:50, archived)

*beats you with the Great Big Stick of Correction +6*

( Nimble Colin camera-wrangling, globe-trotting whisky enthusiast, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:58, archived)

I know, I know
*sob*
( Fenris temporary Lazarus, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:07, archived)

My mum has a 1.1 Saxo with an amp and bass cannon in the boot.
It also has a 10 Cd changer and a Sony minidisc head unit. We bought it for buttons and fluff off a guy my neighbour knows who was disqualified for drink driving.
( Nimble Colin camera-wrangling, globe-trotting whisky enthusiast, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:57, archived)

I have a compilation
of Vietnam-era music which is fantastic. So: Steppenwolf, Mamas and the Papas, Hendrix, the Doors, the (later) Beach Boys, Led Zep.

And I've always loved driving long stretches of road with mid-70s Bowie, either "Low" or "Station to Station".
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:49, archived)

That sounds like a great compliation
Did you make it yourself or shop-bought?
( Johnny Catfish - Yowsa!, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:02, archived)

I have a 3 disc compilation of Vietnam songs called, and this is original*
Good Morning Vietnam. It has all that stuff. I've raided all the best stuff from it.


*so orginal I've seen at least 2 other compilations by the same name..
( Nimble Colin camera-wrangling, globe-trotting whisky enthusiast, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:09, archived)

I Faught the Law
either The Clash or Green day's version...
(P-nut Obsessive Compulsive Green Day Disorder..., Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:50, archived)

Or the original
psst: a o
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:54, archived)

for driving through Scotland
*nothing* beats the sound of Sigur Ros. Particularly around sunset.
(trumpet, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:51, archived)

Accordian?
Yann Tiersen.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:53, archived)

Either "Rumours" by Fleetwood Mac,
or a "Best Of" The Mamas and The Papas.

Either of these could be left on repeat forever when driving.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:03, archived)

I have both of those but Rumours only runs for 39 and a bit minutes
and I normally have that in my dad's car and I want something different.
( Nimble Colin camera-wrangling, globe-trotting whisky enthusiast, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:05, archived)

GC?
www.warringtoncyclecampaign.co.uk/facility-of-the-month/

[edit] November 2004 is the best so far.
(tacpprm has a mmrpcat, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:09, archived)

Reclaim the streets!
My father-in-law once offered a lift home (in his car) from a rally, to one of the Reclaim The Streets organisers. Didn't go down too well.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:10, archived)

Splendid
Love the comments
(R-T-C Got arbitrage profits?, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:13, archived)

That site
justifies the internet.
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:55, archived)

I think my head is about to explode.
I'm reading a paper that keeps rambling on about 5 dimensional pluecker space. It hurts.
(tacpprm has a mmrpcat, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:46, archived)

paper shite Sci-Fi novel inspired by Lovecraft.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:48, archived)

Lovecraft = horror sci-fi god.
The Colour Out of Space is fantastic. Without him there would have been no 'Who goes there?' or 'The Thing'. Genius.
(Experiment 626, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:53, archived)

Produced some great work,
but very much a less is more sort, I think.

[5 pages of dramatic build up to the terrifying conclusion]
Something happened that was so terrible, I dare not set it down in words.

The End.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:06, archived)

hahahaha
very true.
(Experiment 626, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:07, archived)

Thanks for that
I won't have to read it now.

/may read it one day
( Newington, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:10, archived)

"Cool Air" (I think, about a man who is melting)
is very good. Lovecraft's certainly worth a look, even though much of his work has dated to the point where it isn't even remotely scary.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:15, archived)

'At the mountains of madness'
still r00x0rs my s0xors or whatever it is the cool kids say these days.
( Lonewolf - O R'lyeh? Ya R'lyeh!, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:24, archived)

Gah,
What is it about horror that seems to attract all the "1337-kidz"?

I much prefer some Murakami or Brookmyre or Mankell. To name but a few...
( The Teviot Moose major 5th., Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:29, archived)

Read 'The Wind-up bird chronicles'
which I loved, 'Hard-boiled wonderland' is in the pile of books next to my bed that I need to get round to reading.
( Lonewolf - O R'lyeh? Ya R'lyeh!, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:32, archived)

Wild Sheep Chase is fantastic too :D

( The Teviot Moose major 5th., Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:34, archived)

We already know about your weekend activities,
what about books though?
( Lonewolf - O R'lyeh? Ya R'lyeh!, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:36, archived)

Pfft.
Also I'm rather keen on Yukio Mishima for trad Jap Lit, any other Jap Lit recommendations gratefully accepted :D
( The Teviot Moose major 5th., Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:42, archived)

I'm reading The Wind-Up Bird Chronicles on the recommendation of Fenris
at the moment.

Brookmyre is also fab.

Mankell?
( Johnny Catfish - Yowsa!, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:43, archived)

Mankell = Henning Mankell
Swedish crime writer, quite bleak - very much in the vein of Rankin's Rebus, but set in Sweden, so colder, yet cleaner.

I've become rather hooked, as proven by the fact I seem to have bought all of them over the past few months :S
( The Teviot Moose major 5th., Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:52, archived)

I feel compelled to investigate
Any particular one that I should start off with?
( Johnny Catfish - Yowsa!, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:54, archived)

The first one (keeps any back story clear)
Which is called Faceless Killers
( The Teviot Moose major 5th., Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:57, archived)

I wish.
web.mit.edu/thouis/pluecker.txt
(tacpprm has a mmrpcat, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:59, archived)

"Tempting as this geometric development is, it conceals the generality of the algebra..."
I'm still fucking tempted....
( Gnoll, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:01, archived)

That's pretty readable.
(even for somebody who forgot their maths degree more than a decade ago)
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:02, archived)

Yeah, but that is a tutorial.
The stuff I am trying to read is by some bloke who actually uses it.
(tacpprm has a mmrpcat, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:03, archived)

I could give you a tutorial
I am king of all algebra!

(actually ... that might be JHConway ... but I'm at least a minor aristocrat)
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:31, archived)

Wow, the Daily Sport has gone up in the world

( Gnoll, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:48, archived)

Fiona, 19, is our physicist femme fatale...
and we'd love to explore her wormhole.

Or something.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:51, archived)

*inserts man-worm into Fiona*
*Receives orgasm without giving one*
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:52, archived)

Is that where pheasants live?

( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:51, archived)

No.
It's where Buckaroo Banzai has an adventure.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:53, archived)

Buckaroo Banzai and the 5 dimensional pheasant adventure.
Is a classic.
(tacpprm has a mmrpcat, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:02, archived)

Is Buckaroo Banzai (a 5 dimensional pheasant adventure)
where you try balancing as many concepts on the back of a Japanese pheasant, before it throws them into hyperspace?
( The Teviot Moose major 5th., Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:05, archived)

Yes.
No.

Although I got the dimension wrong. It's actually the 8th...
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:10, archived)

I'm not a 5 dimensional pluecker,
I'm a 5 dimensional pluecker's son,
And I'm only pluecking 5 dimensions,
Until the 5 dimensional pluecker comes.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:53, archived)

*zips up*

( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:54, archived)

5th dimension mindpiss!
That'll never wash out...
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:55, archived)

You need 6-dimensional Clit-Bang
I've got some here.

£4,000.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:57, archived)

6-dimensional...
..you can get from yesterday from Ed Tudor Pole's dodecahedranol corner shop.
( Gnoll, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:59, archived)

Makes a change from the London train bombing, I suppose

( Johnny Catfish - Yowsa!, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:54, archived)

You gullible fool
Has anyone ever BEEN to pluecker space? Hmmm?
( Newington, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:02, archived)

Yes.

(tacpprm has a mmrpcat, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:25, archived)

Me too.
But it was snowing and MSN kept borking.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:29, archived)

I was cycling to work this morning
and as I cycled past two prime examples of jailbait young ladies, one of them blew me a kiss.

How depressing, that I'm now old enough to be seen as a safe figure for Lolita-types to practice their flirting.
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:27, archived)

No no no no no
You're old enough to be seen as suave and debonair and gorwing increasingly attractive with age instead of less*.

*At least that's the only possible explanation I can think of!
( Dekazer, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:30, archived)

Phew
what a relief, thanks.

*feels ego massaged*
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:35, archived)

That's alright
It was for mine own good too, no longer being a Lolita type myself..
( Dekazer, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:42, archived)

But bearing more than a passing resemblence to
Humbert Humbert?

/harsh...
( The Teviot Moose major 5th., Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:48, archived)

!
Well thank you very much Stitch :P
( Dekazer, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:59, archived)

I am troubled. I need desserts.

( The Teviot Moose major 5th., Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:08, archived)

*lobs fruit loaf*
Sorry, best I could do at short notice..
( Dekazer, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:14, archived)

Or they were taking the piss.
Be honest.
Which is more likely?
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:42, archived)

Well,
I am the suavest cunt this side of the fucking North Sea, nobmuncher.
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:50, archived)

Smelling of stale shit
does not make you suave.
It makes you skanky.
There's a world of difference between suave and skanky.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:57, archived)

yup
u k
ve nky
( The Teviot Moose major 5th., Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:59, archived)

Ahem,
second suavest cunt I'll have you know.
( Lonewolf - O R'lyeh? Ya R'lyeh!, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:05, archived)

*blows kiss*

( Dekazer, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:08, archived)

Ning you!
*huggles*

You well?

Which target is that? The one drawn on an annoying colleague?
( Lonewolf - O R'lyeh? Ya R'lyeh!, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:10, archived)

Very well thanks
Apart from an impressive bruise from my new implant :D

I reached my Scottish Slimmers weight target yesterday - it's taken 4 years so it was pretty exciting :) How're you?
( Dekazer, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:12, archived)

Does that mean that you are even sexier now?
Pfffoar!

I'm not too bad. Looking forward to the weekend ending though and going to drown my sorrows in the pub followed by a nice meal with some mates, follwoed by possibly some more drinking.
( Lonewolf - O R'lyeh? Ya R'lyeh!, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:21, archived)

Haha
Sexiness is in the loins of the beholder. If you like your women above a size 10 then no, I'm less sexy than ever ;)

Hope your weekend cheers up your sorrows while getting them blind drunk and telling them most forcefully to pull their socks up and stop being so pessimistic xx
( Dekazer, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:24, archived)

As a 16 year old boy,
I got wolf-whistles from a car full of pissed-up ladettes. I've never felt like such a man, since.
[edit: was your nob dangling from your cycling shorts?]
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:30, archived)

Are you me?
It happened at a bus stop in St. Albans.

(and no, it was securely tucked into my sock)
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:35, archived)

Nah,
outside a pub, in Maidstone. Although I did used to work in St Albans.
*stalks*
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:36, archived)

sock small mutant vagina that has grown between my bollocks and arse.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:36, archived)

...
( Gnoll, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:38, archived)

I thought that everyone had one of those?
I keep a pen in mine - you never know when you might need one.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:38, archived)

pen traffic cone

It's your last day today isnt it ?

*clings on to you, weeping like a mong who's had his balloon stolen*
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:40, archived)

Yep!
Did you get home, yesterday?

I did try and comfort your wife, but I fell asleep after 10 minutes, and she kicked me out. Oh, and you might want to wash the curtains.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:42, archived)

What is this last day malarkety?

( Gnoll, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:43, archived)

The end of the world is nigh!
*dons sandwich board*
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:45, archived)

My uneducated guess
is that you have some twisted intention of leaving b3ta talk but when a new user called niknaks starts posting on Tuesday your crafty stratagem will be exposed.
( Gnoll, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:47, archived)

I look forward to my new career as Scaramanga's man servant.

( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:50, archived)

servant cunt
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:53, archived)

That, too,
although fucking Roger Moore is terribly tiresome.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:57, archived)

I know
he has incredible stamina for a pensioner.

I blame c1alis soft-tabs.

Whatever the fuck they are.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:59, archived)

I take them
whilst watching my free PPV and contacting Annie77 from AIM.
( Gnoll, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:02, archived)

We are all getting our shirts signed by other board members
and then we'll run around having hi-jinks and all sorts of practical joke malarkey.
( Nimble Colin camera-wrangling, globe-trotting whisky enthusiast, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:46, archived)

*sets off fire alarm*

( Gnoll, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:47, archived)

*chucks water balloons*

*places potassium permanganate crystals in water supply*
( Nimble Colin camera-wrangling, globe-trotting whisky enthusiast, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:49, archived)

*places small incendiary device made from shotgun cartridges in a locker*
(it happened in my school once)
( Gnoll, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:51, archived)

Inflates 200 condoms
with helium and releases them into achool hall.

One day I will stop giggling at something we did nearly a decade ago..
( Dekazer, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:50, archived)

Used or unused?

( The Teviot Moose major 5th., Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:55, archived)

Wewere bad
We weren't that bad. And at that point half the year were pretending to be lesbians anyway ;)
( Dekazer, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:00, archived)

I got home early last night
there were extra trains laid on, all of which were empty due to the effete southern fairies all pissing off out of London as soon as they could.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:46, archived)

It's grim up north london.

( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:50, archived)

If you fancy a drink next month
drop me a line, I'll be in Hertfordshire and I know a couple of other b3tards local.

On the other hand, I can easily understand that you'd rather eat your own legs.

Just bloody suit yourself, OK?
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:46, archived)

Sounds like a plan.
I'll drop you an e-mail at some point.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:51, archived)

I bet you'll bum him
and leave him in the woods if he turns up.

/jealous
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:51, archived)

Will you shut the fuck up?
I don't see why you have to spoil the surprise for everyone.
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:55, archived)

Did you get off the bike
and fuck them ?
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:30, archived)

I am unable to give details
of ongoing criminal investigations.
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:33, archived)

If you need some spare leaf cover
I have several bags in my shed.
( Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:34, archived)

Young waifs and strays have started calling me "mister"
It makes me feel like Fagin.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:38, archived)

you'd like to have young boys
warming your toilet seat for you?
( Gnoll, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:39, archived)

who wouldn't?

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:42, archived)

It was a sales call
www.seatwarmingbysimon.com
( Gnoll, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:44, archived)

You should have had a withnail moment.
SCRUBBERS!
(tacpprm has a mmrpcat, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:39, archived)

*kicks self*
I blew her a kiss back and she went bright pink and giggled. Bless.

/probably on a social services register now
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:49, archived)

Accident black spot?
These aren't accidents.
They're throwing themselves in to the road gladly to escape all this hideousness.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:49, archived)

Well,
I'm back with a new keyboard. Rather than my rather nice no-brand wireless one, this is a dodgy old Compaq one which makes disturbingly little noise and is quite uncomfortable to type with. However, at least it isn't being Spacky McSpack-Spack.

I feel confused and alone.
(s0WmVHAwZgpG, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:01, archived)

Has it got big keys?

I mainly use laptops nowadays so I'm used to short key travel and a more compact size. Whenever I have to transfer to a normal-sized keyboard I spack out and do so many typos that everything looks Welsh.
( Johnny Catfish - Yowsa!, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:09, archived)

use laptops nowadays so I'm used to short key travel and a more compact size. Whenever I have to transfer to a normal-sized keyboard I spack out and do so many typos that everything looks Welsh. wank.
( Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:11, archived)

Mykeyboy - Force Freak of Nature


;)
( Johnny Catfish - Yowsa!, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:16, archived)

Gnaaah - bloody call centre wombles!
I just called BT to arrange payment of my late-ish bill. A bloke called "Dave" took the call, then in the middle of taking my details turned into a stupid idiot woman. The bint couldn't understand the concept of arranging monthly payments to pay off the bill. She just kept asking over and over again when I could pay the full amount by - accepting nothing later than the end of the month. She didn't even have the excuse of English being her second language. She was just stupid.

So I ended the call by saying "OK bye then. I'm going to call back later to speak to someone more intelligent."

/rant
/steam from ears dying down a bit now
/nicecupofteatime
(teasus likes tea, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:01, archived)

Shouldnt be such a povvo then
;)
( Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:03, archived)

I'm glad you wrote that,
as it means I don't have to.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:07, archived)

I agree
please give me lots of money
(teasus likes tea, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:08, archived)

I love call centres
as much as I love automated switchboards

"Press 1 to find out about BT products and services. Press 2 to get through to someone who will be able to help you so far - then transfer you to someone else. Press 3 to listen to our hold music for half an hour. Press 4 to complain about this menu system..."
( Johnny Catfish - Yowsa!, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:05, archived)

*Presses 69*
For a good time.
( The Teviot Moose major 5th., Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:07, archived)

*pan pipe version of Lady Marmalade kicks in*


*for half an hour*
( Johnny Catfish - Yowsa!, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:10, archived)

interrupted every 16.3 seconds
by a "soothing" voice telling you you're still in the queue, and you call "is important to us"
(teasus likes tea, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:14, archived)

Your call is important to us.
Why else would we have gone ten minutes without answering it?
( Newington, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:21, archived)

If you really want to talk to someone
and you don't want to go through all of the aggro of pressing buttons and listening to menu's, do this:

Nothing. Yes., that's right, nothing. They have had to allow a way on for old spacktards who refuse to press their 'phone buttons or upgrade to a phone that doesn't actually have a dial on it.

Also repeatedly pushing 4 usually works on most menu systems.

/Used to be a call centre monkey trainer.
( trev Is not interested in your fripperies, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:09, archived)

I do this too
it's just that even when you do get through to someone, most of the time they're either subhuman or don't really understand english.
(teasus likes tea, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:12, archived)

I do this
it doesn't always work.
Or just press keys at random, and when you finally speak to a human being, insist that you followed the instructions perfectly.
( Newington, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:14, archived)

I hum bod's tune down the phone.
I've done this for so long that I don't remember why I started doing it. I must have had a very good reason.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:17, archived)

Yay!
Thank you werry much. I shall be taking up your advice next time I talk to Vodashite/ British Shite/ Shite Power/ Etc.
( Johnny Catfish - Yowsa!, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:14, archived)

Maybe it's different in the UK
but here if you don't press anything you just get them enu options reread to you over and over again.

Ning all!
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:16, archived)

'ning
It does depend on the company, if they take themselves seriously as a customer service, they feel that they have to offer this option.

Pah!
( trev Is not interested in your fripperies, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:21, archived)

i am one of those people with a shitty old phone
for a few weeks at least until i get off my arse and buy a new one. and although that works on some menu systems, it doesn't work on BT - i tried it last night. I was going round in circles for ages.
"We didn't register any selection there, please press 1 to talk to an operator"
I can't you fuckhead, i've got a gay phone, let me talk to a real person!
( Fergburger, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:16, archived)

For tech support, you must retrieve the Golden Cup from the Palace of Arthrazaarr.
For North, press 2. For East, press 4.
( Newington, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:13, archived)

*2*
It's always north. Unless your name is Baggins.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:15, archived)

Txt 2 Thorin:
"carry me"
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:24, archived)

I love BT
I ring them when I am stressed and complain about my bill (there is usually something they have fucked up). It releases a lot of stress - but don't do it to the call centre womble, shout at their managers.

That is what they get paid for.
( Wicca'd Witch needs ideas for a new sig on..., Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:15, archived)

This is true.
Very true.
( trev Is not interested in your fripperies, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:17, archived)

I was a call centre monkey
well, new claims handler for Esure - but essentially a call centre monkey.

I cheered, the day I got out of that department :)
( Wicca'd Witch needs ideas for a new sig on..., Fri 8 Jul 2005, 10:20, archived)

you poor sod
The lowest I ever had to sink job-wise was working in testing for nortel who make electronic components. - plug it in. wait 10 seconds - then a computer tells you if it works or not. then do it again. all bloody day. But three weeks after I got there (2 of which were, for no apparent reason, training) everyone was laid off and got four months pay. result!
(teasus likes tea, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 11:06, archived)