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There are 6 open questions:

I'm Sorry I've Written A Joke (1574 stories) - "Why is it hard to find a bit of peace and quiet in Mongolia? Because everywhere you go it's just Yak Yak Yak." - says Covid69

Top Tips (6954 stories) - "Save money on toilet paper By applying a small smear of Vaseline around the anus before taking a shit. This will ensure a clean exit requiring just a …" - says sandettie light vessel automatic

Bugs and feature requests (1829 stories) - "Search is broken. " - says The Porcupine From Purgatory

Image Challenge suggestions (6386 stories) - "Make a picture by typing "squirrels with tits" into ChatGPT " - says Cheers

Question of the Week suggestions (7701 stories) - "Depeche Mode stories " - says Smegg Wallace

Off Topic (lots of topics) - "Are you a QOTWer? Do you want to start a thread that isn't a direct answer to the current QOTW? Then this place, gentle poster, is your friend."

Previous 605 questions:

The Meaning Of Giff (348 stories) - "Mamble (v) To attempt to refute an accusation of mansplaining with an even longer and more patronising explanation" - says cumquat may

Oblique Strategies for Work (148 stories) - "Ignore the client until they solve the problem by themselves " - says spacefish

Newsletter Subject Line Competition (41 stories) - "IT'S NOT A LETTER AND IT DOESN'T CONTAIN NEWS " - says Barbarossa

Lies Your Parents Told You II (45 stories) - "Pearoast On car trips my parents would tell me: If you accidentally drove over more than 4 catseyes in a row they would explode. This was a very …" - says gp_guineapig

Getting Away With It (11 stories) - "Convoluted story culminating in a pun on the title or popular culture reference. " - says $$

The In Laws (34 stories) - "I fucked my mother-in-law " - says $$

Family Scandals (22 stories) - "There was this one time that I came first on qotw My dad had a weird cousin. A very weird cousin. He used to go back to Todmorden every summer for…" - says rachelswipe

Best Childhood Memories (49 stories) - "Narrow escape? I wrote to Jim'll Fix It, begging to go on It's a Knockout after a torturous family holiday in Conway where I'd had to watch my favouri…" - says Tstar73

Local Urban Legends (32 stories) - "I Didn't Have The Foggiest! I have relatives who live in Blackpool and so have visited the lovely (charvery) place many, many times throughout my life…" - says $$

Stories of unsurpassed brilliance (51 stories) - "chinese I was in the Chinese takeaway, ordering my usual chicken chow mein, when I realised I didn't have enough cash on my and would have to go to th…" - says inflateable

Local Criminals (46 stories) - "Years ago... My mate and I were on our way to a fancy dress party, both of us dressed as coppers. We decided it would be a laugh to see if we could ac…" - says social hand grenade

The Occult (31 stories) - " " - says Zuowan

Failed Dreams (22 stories) - "Destroyed someone's life, did a bit of psychological bullying. Had a right laugh. Lolololol. " - says Andrew Avetoom

Tinkering (17 stories) - "Pi-tastic Ever since mini-biscuit started insisting on farting around with our garage door opener keyfob every time he got his sticky little fingers o…" - says airbiscuit

The EU (43 stories) - "Screwed I'm British, but I live in Belgium and have done for 20 years. I decided to move to Belgium because I liked the idea of being on the continent…" - says Smale

Parents (41 stories) - "My old mum and dad, RIP - a repost. My old mum and dad are sadly no longer with us, but this is one of my favourite stories involving them. I used …" - says Reverend Fister

Screwing up at work (45 stories) - "Are you dancing? I once attempted to do a sexually provocative dance. I failed miserably. I screwed up a twerk" - says thefuckestuppest

The generation game (72 stories) - "I found a copy of Ministry of sound 2000 in a CD shop in birkenhead. It was the same copy i had when i was in Uni. Which i had lost, or had become t…" - says Dan dan dan

The Little Things (95 stories) - "Bloke at work makes those cheap chinese noodles from a packet He cracks them into a bowl, sprinkles on the powder and the meagre drops of flavouring o…" - says Grrrmachine

Parsimony (39 stories) - "scared shitless of spending anything First place I worked at was in IT Support at a college. The head of the repair department - lets call him Tony - …" - says ferret

Ignorance (89 stories) - "My ex saw David Blunkett on telly and thought he was reading an autocue. " - says social hand grenade

British Slang Dictionary (84 stories) - "Moribund Flebsite " - says Two Hats

Christmas (41 stories) - "Humbug I use to write porn for a 24 hour text message service. I'm a man, but I'd pretend very convincingly to be a woman as I replied to men paying p…" - says $$

While the cat's away (27 stories) - "My wife's company sent her on a training session for a week leaving me on my own to fend for myself. I'm a man about the house; I can put up shelves a…" - says Grrrmachine

Revenge II (29 stories) - "At my university most of the dorms are co-ed, but a very few are girls-only. I lived in a co-ed dorm, but the dorm next door to mine was all girls, an…" - says Zuowan

Tragic Attempts at Being Cool (54 stories) - "Halloween party When I was a teenager I was extremely shy, which made any dealings with girls extremely difficult. I used to go to a men's hairdresser…" - says Smale

Halloween (38 stories) - "At university I had quite long hair which, untouched by the caresses of Pantene 2-in-1 or any other fancy cosmetics, was a lanky mess of medusa-like t…" - says Grrrmachine

House Parties (67 stories) - "Streams of Whiskey After a whiskey-fueled 18 year old's party fizzled out and everyone fell asleep in piles on the floor, I was woken by by friend dra…" - says Tugnut

What could have been? (43 stories) - "In which Chickenlady became a celebrity vet When I was twelve I wanted to be a vet. If I hadn’t accidentally smashed a glass thermometer, and th…" - says chickenlady

Can you keep a secret? (33 stories) - "Yes. " - says Zuowan

Trouble (50 stories) - "My Erotic Adventures with Jeremy Corbyn by [REDACTED] I sat on the bed and waited for Jeremy to finish in the toilet. "Yes, two wipes clean!" he sho…" - says $$

Summer Holidays (89 stories) - "In 1998 a Peshawar taxi driver apparently confused the "smugglers' bazaar" market described in the Lonely Planet handbook with the real smugglers' baz…" - says emvee

Modern Life (60 stories) - "The modern vagina is a many splendored thing. I don't miss 80s growlers. I knew a girl who was so hirsute it looked like she had the drummer from The …" - says Tugnut

Street Life (55 stories) - "I'd bought a Ford Escort van off ebay for 21 quid because the seller couldn't spell "Escort" and had listed it under antiques. I took this mighty char…" - says Grrrmachine

That One Mate (53 stories) - "Oh Johnny, where art thou? I'm fairly sure Johnny only came to Portsmouth University because he got lost on his way home from his A-level exams. Stumb…" - says Grrrmachine

Festivals II (59 stories) - "Years ago... ...a mate and I got caught climbing the fence at Glastonbury. They made us go back inside and watch the rest of Coldplay." - says Joy Division Oven Gloves

Funny Stories (81 stories) - "I farted once Usually that's not much of a claim; everyone lets slip a sharp little gust from their arsehole on a daily basis, but this one, this fart…" - says Grrrmachine

Not Getting the Job (63 stories) - "Made my self look like a fascist... Being a hippy greeny type in my youth, I did loads of volunteer work, which included several months working with t…" - says Rev. Jayneflakes

Life Hacks (90 stories) - " " - says 2 Can Chunder

Films Recommendations (157 stories) - "Ben Dover's Anal Massacre We see the protagonist journey through suburbia where he meets women wishing to be taken away from the humdrum of daily li…" - says $$

Party Tricks and Secret Talents (49 stories) - "Reflexes. 10/05/15 Entry 710 (BBC). Examining the big ethical and religious issues of the week on Sunday Morning Live. My reflexes have been honed b…" - says drimble

My Deep Secret (78 stories) - "The Good Sex Life Jerry entered the bedroom. Laying under his bed sheets was Barbara. "What on earth are you doing here?" said Jerry. "Oh, don't pre…" - says $$

Encounters with politicians (68 stories) - "The door opened and Edwina walked in. "Haven't you heard of knocking?" said John. "Oh, John, you're so square." replied Edwina. Edwina perched herse…" - says $$

The B3ta UK Manifesto (58 stories) - "THE INYOURENDO PARTY ALL-INCLUSIVE MANIFESTO: WITH THIS, OUR EYEBROW-RAISING COMPREHENSIVE MANIFESTO WILL ENSURE THAT WE GO DOWN IN THE ANALS OF HISTO…" - says Eukanuba

Messing With Their Head (56 stories) - "pearoast My dad was a bit of a cunt. I remember one year as a kid he asked my mother what she wanted for her birthday. She jokingly said he might as w…" - says buffet_the_appetite_slayer

Shit Bosses (52 stories) - "My dad's old boss got taken to court for sexual discrimination after asking his secretary to mark on the calendar the days when she would be on her pe…" - says DumbMonkey

Changing Your Mind (33 stories) - "Swords to ploughshares and back again. Not me, but my great grandad. He was an ardent Marxist-socialist in the runup to the second world war. He vi…" - says chutneyweasel

Little Victories II (72 stories) - "I quite often dress as Alexei Sayle and hang around in the northbound car park of Keele Services on the M6 " - says tangledupinblue

Sexual Disasters (61 stories) - "Virgin sexxx When I was but a young lad my first serious girlfriend and I decided one summer's day that we should both lose our virginity by doing the…" - says fergus the bogeyman

Housemates From Hell III (63 stories) - "Cosplay House During my final year of university I moved into a new house after a strained situation at the last place I was staying (never date a hou…" - says Ms Shenanigans

Things you can't unsee... (122 stories) - "Reverse swimming pool prank A couple of years ago, my significant other, our son and I were at the seaside. My dear half noticed a chap allowing his d…" - says Chickenwire

Things You Still Can't Do Properly Despite Being a Proper Grown Up (89 stories) - "Acting your age? BUT WHEN? When I was young, say from 10 to around 14, just as you're starting to understand the world around you, I'd look at the g…" - says TheManofScience

More Fire! (85 stories) - "Flaming Snowman Back in high school, a few of us were sitting around trying to think up oxymorons. One guy suggested "flaming snowman," and in a momen…" - says racetraitor

Moving home (64 stories) - "Not mine, but the removers we used When I was a nipper in 1972, we moved from NI (norn arlan) to 'the mainland'. We got on well with the movers, pa…" - says jerrykew

Office Christmas Parties II (44 stories) - "Long Time Stain Some time around 1998 I went out way too hard at the Christmas Eve lunchtime office drinks and ended up in foetal position, around 2:3…" - says Ken Oath

Homemade Booze (93 stories) - "Warm the damn jar! I did a bit of brewing as a grad' student and generally it went well. After a while, we decided to branch out from beer to some mo…" - says Ugi

More Terrible Hotels (91 stories) - "More terrifying than terrible. This is an absolutely true story. Half a lifetime ago I stayed with my wife at a family run hotel at Olivet near Orlean…" - says notoolsovernight

More nice things (42 stories) - "San Francisco Ten years ago, I was pretty much at rock bottom. My attempts at going for it by ditching my 9 to 5 job in IT and becoming an internat…" - says djlumpyrulesok

Weddings Part II (140 stories) - "Just remembered The only time I've been moved to tears by a bridal procession. I attended a wedding where all the bridesmaids were wearing backless dr…" - says browser

Control Freaks (57 stories) - "I went on a date with a guy and quite enjoyed it, plus he really fancied me and wanted to see me again, so I sent two short, friendly texts the follow…" - says Porcupine

Silly Achievements (118 stories) - "HP sauce In t'olden days when I wor a lad, the label on HP sauce bottles had a description of the contents written both in English and French. The Fr…" - says mallyjoe

Nepotism (61 stories) - "when i was a letting agent, there was a competitor agency in the village where the father had set up a thriving business and was in due course to pass…" - says rachelswipe

Real Life Slapstick II (85 stories) - "I've never reposted so hard in my life I was walking home from shop when I saw my mate cycle past. I shouted and he looked round to see who it was. Ho…" - says sandettie light vessel automatic

Celebrations, anniversaries and milestones (98 stories) - "I turned 30 on my honeymoon with my wife in Lillehammer in Norway Why it had to be lillehammer is complex and doesn't really add to the story, so I'll…" - says cumquat may

Fears and Phobias (192 stories) - "Polish men's urine. Worked in a factory. With a Polish guy. Got invited to go to [insert name]ski's place for Friday drinks and then the pub. Warned o…" - says spl00sh!

Dates Gone Wrong (98 stories) - "Everything that could go wrong DID go wrong Let me take you back through the mists of time to 1992. I was still living in Essex, as someone had to do,…" - says kasterborous

Misheard and Misunderstood (110 stories) - "Party time I was horribly shy as a young teenager, particularly around girls. I must have been about 14 or 15 when I was in the hairdresser's, having …" - says Smale

Hitchhiking and fare dodging (79 stories) - "Guy I worked with used to keep falling asleep on the train home after too many shandies and waking up in Hastings, needing to get a taxi home. Nex…" - says SnowyTheWereRabbit

Shit Holidays (101 stories) - "It was all going so well. Venice. Girlfriend. Balmy weather. Delicious food in outdoor cafes. Romantic walks. The canals. Gondola. Girlfriend lying ba…" - says fred zeppelin

What Makes You Cry? (183 stories) - "My first encounter with chillies Ma0sm's Gaylord curry house story reminded me of my very first encounter with chillies. This took place in the strang…" - says moon monkey

Against Your Will (63 stories) - "Not long out of uni and off with my boyfriend on out first holiday together.. We were more culturally inclined than sunworshippers, and poor with it, …" - says Ms Shenanigans

Bad Ideas (112 stories) - "... In a life littered with bad ideas, relentless failure and shattered dreams, I still find time to screw up on an industrial scale. Last year, I…" - says Albert Marshmallow

Public Nudity (83 stories) - "I had a vasectomy a couple of months ago. They gave me something called a "modesty blanket", as there was obviously the doctor but also a couple of nu…" - says browser

Anything For Money (66 stories) - "Meditation CDs I went through a phase of trying money-making schemes, and the least successful was my meditation/relaxation CDs. I found some whale no…" - says browser

Corruption (64 stories) - "Pointless "Fairholme" post. There's this website, right? And this website has a thread that is solely dedicated to people going there to tell their st…" - says snigglywiggly

False Economies (124 stories) - "We have two horses and recently paid the GDP of a small country to have one of them covered (shagged, in other words) by a certified stallion. Clearly…" - says katie hopkins

Heckles II (143 stories) - "Show us your pianist Rather like the Chubby Brown tale from earlier... In the late 70s, while at college, I worked part-time as a drinks waiter in …" - says zebideedoodah

Fantasists (138 stories) - "Even cyborgs have off days I had a friend at school who was obsessed with Terminator 2. Or any military-based fantastical hero – he’d adopt the qu…" - says Wet-chinned bag shanker

Sacked II (101 stories) - "Worked as a temp for a law firm. It was in some converted loft in Lahndan and had its own fitted kitchen with coffee machine and American-style giant …" - says .Yeti.

Not having sex (81 stories) - "One way to guarantee not having any sex... is to take your intended to a cheap hotel miles away in the middle of Germany. I won't bore you with the de…" - says browser

Near Death Experiences II (88 stories) - "From the last time this question was asked... Motorway Madness September 1995... Bombing it up the M1 back to uni in Leeds. Junctions 1 to 46 - …" - says Albert Marshmallow

My job: Expectation vs Reality (81 stories) - "I work in insurance. I expect it to be dull. It is dull. When I'm not regretting my career choices, I sing in a covers band. I'm classing it as a job …" - says Wicca'd Witch

UFOs and close encounters (95 stories) - "Whoop My memories of this episode are pretty patchy as I can’t have been more than four or five when it happened, but as a generous surprise to my p…" - says .Yeti.

Brits Abroad (115 stories) - "Crete Some idiotic friend of mine thought three of us would have fun if we spent a week in Malia. Naturally we didn’t – a good omen of what to co…" - says Wet-chinned bag shanker

Hidden talents (80 stories) - "I can cum over my own head as my mum found out when she brought me a cup of tea while I was in bed. I finished shooting yoghurt, shouted at her to fuc…" - says SlantedScience

Drunk Shopping (131 stories) - "The evils of gastropubs At the end of the road on which I used to live there was a traditional pub. It wasn’t the most earth-shatteringly amazing pu…" - says .Yeti.

Biggest opportunity I've blown (91 stories) - "I have a nasty habit of accidentally passing up opportunities. By that I mean I regularly look back on things and think "Oooohhhhhh... crap. That's wh…" - says Ant Marching

Petty Officials (116 stories) - ""Hey! You!" I was a fair distance away from Tesco when I heard the call from somewhere behind me. I looked over my shoulder, and could see that it w…" - says Enzyme

Class (87 stories) - "An acquaintance worked for Inland Revenue and in times gone by he would not have met this particular chap because he would have become a CofE cleric,…" - says d.r._and_quinch

One Night Stands (99 stories) - "I wish it hadn’t happened but it did We met online, got chatting, seemed to get on. She liked my news links & details of my terrific lifestyle in Mi…" - says _Battered_

Trapped! (195 stories) - "Escape was physically easy; socially impossible Our family got together at my parents' house for Easter. In the afternoon we played a game of hide and…" - says teedyay

Black sheep of the family II (131 stories) - "Cotton Picking Story. Not about sheep but agricultural non the less. My ancestors were split in the early 19th century when around half of them emigr…" - says edjogs

Acting out your fantasies (107 stories) - "I've always dreamt of having a cock as long as a 2 litre bottle of fizzy orange, and just as wide. Fanta sized, actually." - says localboy

Dodgy boozers (131 stories) - "Middlesbrough. I was a white van man. Worse, I was a white van man’s assistant. We trawled the charity shops of the north east buying up their ‘di…" - says Wet-chinned bag shanker

Stags and Hens (147 stories) - "I didn't have enough friends to do a stag So I drank half a bottle of domestic sherry and watched whatever crap was on television. Then I drew a face…" - says the other guy

Little Moments of Joy (167 stories) - "L'esprit de dix ans When I was ten the Lotus Elan was brand new. "It's front wheel drive," the car bores of the day said. "It's a disgrace." "It le…" - says pineapplecharm

Bad Smells (142 stories) - "you know that thing where you can stand the smell of your own guffs, but not other peoples'? So you can drop the most rancid guinness fart in the worl…" - says mictoboy

"Well, that escalated quickly" (76 stories) - "The story below reminds me of.... ...The time I was taken through the disciplinary process at an employer. Backstory. My manager was an unremitting t…" - says Captain Placid

I spied on someone... (79 stories) - "When my ex-girlfriend was 18, she went on a holiday to Majorca with her boyfriend at the time. The couple staying in the apartment next door to theirs…" - says cs1ca

Christmas Tales (80 stories) - "In which my dad bums some furniture (Repost from 'Dad Stories') Picture the scene... It's early Christmas evening. The presents have all been opene…" - says R. Jimlad

Bizarre leaps of logic (96 stories) - "So I was reading Euclid's Elements in the bath and noticed that my penis formed an equilateral triangle with the lower part of my torso. Long story sh…" - says Dr. Shambolic

Celebrity Encounters III (294 stories) - "Attenborough When I was little I wrote a piece of fan mail to David Attenborough, saying how I wanted to be just like him and also providing a shit-qu…" - says dancebiscuits

Self-Inflicted injuries (153 stories) - "Mom had a twisted sense of humor My friend T and I spent a year living with my parents and working in a sheet metal shop to save up some money before …" - says Wahoo

Job Interview Disasters (124 stories) - "I went for this job right and the geezer asks me what is my biggest weakness? I said, "It's probably my honesty." He said, "I don't think honest…" - says edjogs

Attention whore (175 stories) - "My Downfall I sit here on a wet Monday afternoon, in my pants and bathrobe, having done precisely nothing all day. Why? Because I am an attention-seek…" - says Frank Snow

Theft (147 stories) - "Customs & Excise Bored on an october weekend, I got a last minute return ticket for the channel tunnel and went for a drive around Normandy. Didnt …" - says Carpe Cyprinidae

Fancy Dress Failures Pt 2 (141 stories) - "Years ago... My mate and I were on our way to a fancy dress party, both of us dressed as coppers. We decided it would be a laugh to see if we could ac…" - says Joy Division Oven Gloves

Lego (166 stories) - "My dad recently sold his house and before he handed the keys over he asked me to clear all of my junk out of the loft. There was a lot of it; dozens …" - says Paolo Nutini's Bikini

Bad Dates (129 stories) - "She'll do During a dry spell, my mate Malcy the Alcy (this was the 90's, way before anyone could even spell nominative determinism) rang me. He had re…" - says I have run out of coke

Irrational people (130 stories) - "oh yes of course - religion! Definitely irrational... A rambling story of my descent into and eventual escape from religious fundamentalism I used to …" - says teasus

Why I Love/Hate Britain (145 stories) - "Confessions of a Pathetic Anglophile. Here's the thing, I was born in South Africa. My ancestors are from all over north-western Europe, with a slight…" - says Ladyfingers

Pure Fury (149 stories) - "You never forget the first time I once had a girlfriend, a girl who has appeared in these annals under the monicker "Batshit Mentalist" on many occa…" - says moon monkey

Twat Friends (102 stories) - "I had a friend called Gordon. One morning he swaggered in looking like he'd just shagged one of the student nurses next door. 'I've just shagged one …" - says Dr. Shambolic

Break-up Stories (127 stories) - "Pride and Plastering I met a very nice girl once, well she seemed that way. She had a cute smile, a flippy fringe, nice legs and a charming ground-fl…" - says pineapplecharm

Lurid Work Stories (127 stories) - "When my dad was a young copper He was based in a fairly rural police station. On one of his first mornings there he took a call from a local man whose…" - says Wet-chinned bag shanker

Not-stalgia (169 stories) - "Never Go Back Revisiting old TV programs, computer games and other pastimes of our youth can be a fun but frivolous waste of adult time. With the adve…" - says Albert Marshmallow

Lead Balloon (108 stories) - "Perverted Pantsdown. Not me. A bloke I went to uni with called Chris. 2nd Year, so most of us in the course knew each other well enough to have had…" - says s0ckpuppet

Things I've gone off (125 stories) - "“This is Samantha Fox” So declared my mate, sweating heavily next to a tree with a knife in his hand, and gesturing proudly at the long low branch…" - says Wet-chinned bag shanker

Exposed! (87 stories) - "Showing Kate Bush my bush A few years ago, my mother dropped the bombshell that Kate Bush was moving in next door. Obviously I thought it was a cruel …" - says aerialmeg

MTFU (112 stories) - "From Bad to Worse. I said goodbye and put down the phone. There was nothing they could do, she said. He was still alive when they got to the vet but …" - says Frank Snow

Bad gigs (234 stories) - "Told this one before... When I was young, keen and 17, I had a running joke with a not-very-famous band whereby I'd take my bra off during their gig a…" - says and now for someone completely different

Unreasonable Cruelty (108 stories) - "I may have mentioned before that I do occassional security work. This is generally quite tedious, until summer arrives, at which point in time it bec…" - says Muns

Body Horror (106 stories) - "Kippers Vindaloo After a round of watching Red Dwarf while drunk, a mate and I decided to try all the joke recipes mentioned. The Triple-Decker Fried …" - says moon monkey

Lucky Escapes (132 stories) - "Suburban spelunky As the eldest and best child, I had the attic room at my parents' place. It had big velux windows that offered a splendid view over …" - says SimianKid

Yum! (248 stories) - "i made a cake and was rightly proud of it too" - says kaptinkurtz

Social Media Meltdowns (78 stories) - "Your Typical Internet Showdown So a few years back I got into it with some jerk on Facebook. Puffed up little hard-man type, thought he was a player …" - says Frank Snow

School Assemblies (125 stories) - "The overhead projector The overhead projector played a key role in school assemblies. Nothing to do with retail accounting, the overhead projector, or…" - says browser

Spoilers (185 stories) - "On the subject of my work Probably the best spoiler I ever witness was for the benefit of a young 12yr old Ian (not real name). A young messer commit…" - says dazbrilliantwhites

Ask B3ta (436 stories) - " How come this keeps happening? ;)" - says sittingduck

Kids say the shittiest things (157 stories) - "They MUST know what they’re doing… My young kids love animals, so a few months ago the present Mrs PF and I finally caved in to their pleas a…" - says Pooflake

The Emergency Services (138 stories) - "My dad was a healthcare professional for over thirty years. He had saved numerous lives, and would always answer the call of duty no matter what time…" - says Muns

My Saviour (213 stories) - "This was about ten years ago now I had gone down to the Reading festival - it was generally a fantastic time, and I don't want to do the event a disse…" - says Lightguy

Midlife Crisis (153 stories) - "I've got a theory... ... that my generation (early forties) and younger won't have mid life crises like they used to be. Here's why: In the olden d…" - says SonofRojBlake

Controversial Beliefs (214 stories) - "Only asylum seekers should get benefit money People born in the UK have won life's lottery. Just being mediocre, getting up in the morning and going t…" - says Brigadier

Travel (127 stories) - "Watch who you cross the border with In 2002 I found myself living in a backpacker hostel in the tiny kingdom of Swaziland with a mad rasta. Let's cal…" - says pineapplecharm

Funerals II (127 stories) - "Only Sleeping My grandfather died. The funeral was a solemn affair, as these things usually are. My grandmother, naturally, was distraught. They'd …" - says terryeden

Surprise! (116 stories) - "Unconscious surprise I have a mate (honest) who, despite being in his 40s, loves to scare the bejesus out of people by jumping out of hiding places wh…" - says Bappage

Winging It (73 stories) - "Winging it on the wing Several years ago my wife, 2 kids, some friends and their two kids were happily sat on a Boeing 747 about to depart for some su…" - says mrb36

Brain Fade (179 stories) - "One day in Hamburg So there I was, spending a day shopping in Hamburg. At the end I had amassed 4 carrier bags of stuff, plus one fuckoff-sized bag co…" - says GermanGuy

FIGHT! (151 stories) - "When talent-nighting, have talent. The place: Sukhumvit Soi 11, where all strata of Bangkok society shake the drips of Nana sleaze from their clothing…" - says .Yeti.

I Hurt My Rude Bits, Again (136 stories) - "As a young man I was always a bit kinky, and almost inevitably, as I got older and experimented a bit with my sexuality, I drifted a bit towards the o…" - says SnowyTheWereRabbit

Where Did It All Go Wrong? (132 stories) - "I sent a cv for a job last week. I re-read it again today and as a placeholder in the skills section I'd written "I once fucked a puppy" until I coul…" - says cumquat may

LOL Bigots (181 stories) - "My eldest son Dan is a shy lad... ...very smart and studious and might be considered by some to be "a nerd". But he's a nice boy - friendly and wouldn…" - says Clonk

Utterly Drunk (169 stories) - "This is the story of my last drunk But first a little backgound: 10 years ago I had a good job, people respected me, I earned loads of money, attra…" - says buffet_the_appetite_slayer

The Naughty Step (104 stories) - "The naughty step indeed I was visiting my old mate Des one Saturday afternoon when all hell broke loose at a house diagonally opposite. Des said …" - says Redemption

More Pet Stories (181 stories) - "Not all cats are cunts My mum grew up in a small cottage in the middle of a wood because my grandparents didn't have a pot to piss in. They kept pigs…" - says Draconacticus

Inflated Self-Importance (204 stories) - "Airport Security Mouthbreathing Drone. Slightly bizzare incident recently; The Oath family was returning home from a fantastic Xmas holiday a few w…" - says Ken Oath

Sorry (163 stories) - "While working for a while as the sales manager of (probably) the last CDR manufacturer in the UK (yes, this was a looong time ago), we were having a b…" - says blyerkit

Saying the Unsayable (97 stories) - "Beer soaked accidental trauma I've been a loyal wingman to Woody ever since the days of Sixth Form. At the time of this tale, Woody had been working …" - says Bicycle Repairman

Dumped (119 stories) - "What was I thinking. I was 13 years old. It was New Years Day. My folks always went to my Uncles for a party that evening. I loved these occasions, I …" - says spimf

Relief (137 stories) - "I recently got farmed out from my cosy den in the intensive care unit at the Local Hospital Where I Work to one of the medical wards as we were overst…" - says Amorous Badger

Overcoming adversity (113 stories) - " Goodbye arsehole. I have had crohn's disease for nigh on 7 years now and admittedly it hasn't killed me, but it fucked my life up that much that it m…" - says bumless

Made me laugh (174 stories) - "Who says the French aren't funny? When I was about 11 or 12, I went on holiday to France with my family. We were sitting outside a bistro, having our …" - says browser

No Self-Awareness (171 stories) - "This is well timed As my story only happened two months ago. My cash had completely dried up, so six months prior I was forced to take a menial dat…" - says Frank Snow

Crazy People off the Internet (93 stories) - "First This is one of my favourite nutters I was reminiscing about just the other day. I develop a slight man crush on Enzyme each time I re-read it." - says Pig Bodine.

Ignored Advice (102 stories) - "Don't buy a wooden boat "Buy" isn't quite the word. It was free. Free boat! How could anyone resist? The fact it had been sunk at the bottom of the Ba…" - says ChaRleyTroniC

Destruction, Demolition and Deconstruction (94 stories) - "I destroyed the World Trade Centre. I think I should win the compo" - says Hulk Hogan

Water, boats and all that floats (97 stories) - "FUCKING SHARK! I think pilots call it a ‘black hole illusion.’ A suitably ominous term for the feeling of disorientation caused by approaching a f…" - says Wet-chinned bag shanker

Dressing Up (100 stories) - "The hallucinogenic qualities of boredom.... 12 years ago I shared a house with two old school friends. As I have described elsewhere in various QOTWs,…" - says FartThroughAWalkieTalkie

Getting other people into trouble (67 stories) - "It was my birthday and two friends took my girlfriend and me out to dinner at a fairly posh restaurant. It looked to be a very pleasant evening, with …" - says The Resident Loon

The best thing I've built (93 stories) - "These are the best things I've built I built these two Daleks between 2005 and 2007. The black Dalek is all made of wood (various thicknesses of p…" - says drdavej

Driven to Madness (303 stories) - "people who discuss x-factor like it has any kind of value at all on any level whatsoever. it's a bunch of mongs mong stood on stage pleading with t…" - says tjn

Rogues, Villains and Eccentrics (131 stories) - "My grandfather Villan? No. Rogue? Depends on who you ask. Eccentric? Probably. Married to my grandmother, he begat my mother (yes, begat) 10 years …" - says groover j lazerus

Shit Claims to Fame II (674 stories) - "OMD? OMG! The ‘Um Bongo’ Incident... Too many short answers! Please allow me to balance it out with some longwinded wank. I used to wor…" - says Pooflake

B3TA Most Haunted (194 stories) - "Jim There was once this bloke in my local, used to come in three or four times a week, and sit by himself drinking. He was quite tall and thin with a …" - says Dr Skagra

Worst Person for the Job (160 stories) - "Mallow I used to work in a confectionary factory – to earn a bit of cash out of Uni. This place made lots of things, doughnuts, cake toppings Fudge…" - says Dan dan dan

Ignorance (246 stories) - "Anybody that knows me knows that I have a thing about American tourists.... ....I have never, I repeat, NEVER, met an American tourist that I have lik…" - says INGSOC

The Wank Bank (113 stories) - "Such vivid memories 1. This one time I got bored of the Just Fucking White colour of my bedroom walls, so I fed my girlfriend nothing but beetroot for…" - says .Yeti.

Foot in Mouth Syndrome II (148 stories) - "What not to say for a quiet life.... So, about 6 or 7 years ago now, I found myself working for a logistics company in their shiny new head office. It…" - says Ryushin

Home Science (125 stories) - "Putting the 'Ooooh' in 'Tenuous' It was a dark winter's evening a few years ago. Mrs Costas and I had just battled through the usual hour-long struggl…" - says costas

Screwed over by The Man (84 stories) - "I went out for a couple of quiet drinks with my friends and when I woke up the next morning I found that my complete shit of a husband had put spunk i…" - says spanishfly 2

Tantrums (119 stories) - "Not quite a tantrum... ...on the weekend my wife went out with her old school friends for a "get together". "we'll just have a few, I'm not a sad …" - says Ken Oath

Why will you burn in hell? (152 stories) - "Well.... this wot I wrote a while ago, drunkenly, as a response to Rory Lyon's odd and unrelenting focus upon a B3ta stalwart's mother, and never post…" - says Happy Phantom

Cunning Plans (113 stories) - "When I was a child I found a lot of money lying around the house in a box at home. There was so much money there that I thought nobody would miss one …" - says bROKEN aRROW

The B3ta Cookbook (265 stories) - "FIRE IN THE HOLE! I rather foolishly once allowed my old housemate to cook for me one night, after having discussed my steak chorizo and lime chilli …" - says UppityDamnPrimate

Clubs, gangs, and societies (208 stories) - "My Beer Club. I run a Beer Club at my work (The Hop Hounds). Each payday 50 of us deposit a small percent of our pay into a central account. We let…" - says Ken Oath

The Apocalypse (164 stories) - "Bushfire It’s long one....but worth telling. My family lived in the bush, on a few cleared acres at the base of a mountain, surrounded by dense …" - says Ken Oath

Getting Old (357 stories) - "Getting Old...I appreciate it. As the saying goes. 'Old age and treachery beats youth and enthusiam everytime.' I'm better in my 40's at cooking, ma…" - says Gru

War (98 stories) - "Street violence & the world's worst have-a-go hero One night I was strolling home with a friend after a night out. Up ahead there was a couple having …" - says moon monkey

Down on the Farm (170 stories) - "Apaches is probably true. The fatality rate on farms is something like 8 deaths per 100,000 people per year - sounds low, but that's about one a week.…" - says gordonjcp

Sex Toys (141 stories) - "Manchester Twas in the late 1990’s, I worked on Merseyside and my boss lived in Manchester but commuted daily. A top bloke – who played ha…" - says Pat mustard

Shops and Supermarkets (238 stories) - "In the back I've delivered to many supermarkets and the back door staff usually contain the same two guys, Brian and Darren. They don't work the floor…" - says all my scars face forward

Hoarding (140 stories) - "Stuff in the dark Like any right-thinking human, I fucking hate lofts. Our loft is a terrible place. The house has been in my partner’s family for …" - says Wet-chinned bag shanker

Morning After Souvenirs (163 stories) - "A friend of mine (honest) Woke up in the morning after a heavy night. Felt a bit sticky 'downstairs'. He thought 'Oh my God, I've shat myself'. Wit…" - says SnowyTheWereRabbit

Sporting Woe (211 stories) - " A sporting foul Despite being twins, both of my stepsons have very different characters. Nugget Two can be accurately described as a loveable but la…" - says Bicycle Repairman

Twattery (208 stories) - "To the rude and angry man at the M&S Cafe We had almost finished our luncheon, and were packing up, when you arrived, being angry and rude. Eschewi…" - says Pope Shax XIII

Terrified! (157 stories) - "I was once walking home at night behind a woman She started walking faster in that "trying not to look like you're walking fast" way. I picked up my …" - says Ghoti Fingers

The Great Outdoors (139 stories) - "Bit of a pearoast, but people enjoyed it before... Back when I was much much younger and still in School, trying desperately to get my funk on with ju…" - says Kushan

My First Experience of the Internet (176 stories) - "Snakes on a Plane... The story of my first actual introduction to the internet is for another time. I will however, mention when I first had it …" - says Pooflake

Training courses, seminars and conferences (159 stories) - "Not me but a former colleague. As an equal opportunity employer my managment implemented a mandatory course on "Equality And Diversity In The Workplac…" - says stuj

Lies that went on too long (183 stories) - "The twenty year lie Five of us shared a house in the last year of university, all blokes trying to find jobs. Bob had a particularly good opportunity …" - says Smale

First World Problems (438 stories) - "Complaints about the NHS I have (until recently) gained useful employment as a manager within this island's great Health Service. I have recently left…" - says Undercovercarrot

Corporate Idiocy (262 stories) - "Mum's gone to Iceland Iceland. Row upon row of microwaveable despair. If your mum has gone there, kill her and yourself. It's the only way to be sure.…" - says Wet-chinned bag shanker

Random Acts of Evil (212 stories) - "supermarket takedown / parenting by proxy picture the scene. you're in a morrisons. you're hung to the over. you're halfheartedly scouring the shelves…" - says UppityDamnPrimate

Random Acts of Kindness (238 stories) - "Friendly London I think I might have posted this one before, but I'm not sure. Many years ago I lived and worked in London. One sunny day, I was…" - says ScousersPet

Filth! (240 stories) - "I am the scud fairy. My Mum's an Occupational Therapist. Simply put, she goes into disabled peoples' houses and reccomends adaptations that will make…" - says universalpsykopath

I should have been arrested (144 stories) - "My left foot… I must have posted about this before…but I’m afraid I can’t be bothered to properly check. Either way, it applies for this…" - says Pooflake

What nonsense did you believe in as a kid? (361 stories) - "I convinced Baby Shambles that my nose made a beeping noise when pressed. This backfired when I was having a nap and she thought it wasn't working and…" - says Dr. Shambolic

Messing with people's heads (277 stories) - "Many years ago my friend bought a Nokia N-gage. One of those poncey (yet crappy) gaming phones. He wouldn't shut up about it for the week beforehand. …" - says Paolo Nutini's Bikini

Books (429 stories) - "Not a recommendation of any book or author but from 1999 – 2001 I worked for Amazon. Each week we would have a meeting to review transcripts of cus…" - says Fucking hell Jeff

Heroes and villains of 2011 (143 stories) - "I’m afraid my hero of 2011 isn’t quite as noble as some of the ones I’ve read this week… My hero of 2011 was just a child. An innoce…" - says Pooflake

Killed to DEATH (193 stories) - "Pigeon Torture One day I was driving home early from work, and I get a phone call. It was my wife. She was absolutely distraught and was sobbing d…" - says Spaff_Quaffer

Weird Rituals (278 stories) - "I count out the rhythm of any sexual activity by resolving the dates of famous historical events into their prime factors. So the Battle of Hastings i…" - says Dr. Shambolic

Ask David Hasselhoff (329 stories) - "Have you watched the Pamela Anderson sex tapes? Did you feel guilty cracking one out over an ex colleague? Or does that make it better?" - says rob

Biggest Sexual Regret (191 stories) - "Twix of Doom (pearoast) Pearoast, but relevant. And I've still not eaten one since. My first girlfriend and I were together for about two and a ha…" - says nasalhair

Conspiracy Theories (326 stories) - "Badgers When I was wee, my family used to amuse ourselves in the interminable car journey down to Devon by counting the roadkill and guessing what it …" - says Queen of Cheesecake

Devastating Put-Downs (436 stories) - "Fucksakes! Where the FUCK did you get that haircut from? Those were the very words bawled across the print room floor by Ian Jackson* - a particularly…" - says claude balls

Amazing Projects (125 stories) - "Creation Of Significant Cultural Artefact A couple of years ago I got pissed and accidentally created a Facebook page entitled "Campaign to get Brain …" - says ruminator

Money-saving tips (417 stories) - "been doing stints as a volunteer advisor at the citizen's advice bureau on and off for a few months now. As part of the training in addition to dealin…" - says Clay

Tactless (281 stories) - "He just didn't have the stomach for it... I have advanced foot-in-mouth syndrome. I predict a few posts this week... DaddyRakky was diagnosed with …" - says Rakky (forgot her password)

Racist grandparents (310 stories) - "My Grandad's not racist. He's just from a different era. A very, very racist era. In all seriousness, I doubt he hates any member of another race. He…" - says universalpsykopath

Meeting people from the internet (223 stories) - "Things snowball – pun intended So I post on a couple of forums about winter sports in Bulgaria. The chat is usually about the three main resorts out…" - says Cheeses of Nazareth

The B3TA Detective Agency (261 stories) - "We created a mystery which the people involved may never solve Driving my cousin home late one Friday night after he had done some some plastering wor…" - says craigix

Iffy crushes (440 stories) - "There seems to be a drought of actual stories this week It's time to rectify that - so sit down, get yourself comfy, and let me tell you the tale of..…" - says Godwin's Lawyer

Crap Gadgets (251 stories) - "In retrospect the Windows 7 Party was a bad idea. Do you remember those daft adverts? Trying to sell the idea that ordinary people would actually get …" - says Frank Snow

B3TA fixes the world (471 stories) - "make bendy buses... ...make a sound like an accordion every time they go round a corner." - says Ya What

I didn't do it (198 stories) - "I AM A FUCKING HERO. Or I would be if this happened IT DIDN'T HAPPEN. A long time ago I was in the pub, meeting up with my ex-wife/supermodel's da…" - says mark morrisons prison shoes

Happy 10th Birthday B3ta (334 stories) - "Several drunken bashes, a 155 mile walk of shame, and getting knocked up by a midget. I've been a QOTW regular for over four years now. I remember the…" - says crackhouseceilidhband

School Naughtiness (204 stories) - "Cruel You think kids are cruel? Bullshit. Nobody takes the piss out of kids as ruthlessly and effectively as teachers. It's all behind closed doors of…" - says McChinaman

Churches, temples and holy places (201 stories) - "I went to a Catholic school But it was really one of those nominally Catholic schools that took on the RC prefix sometime in the 60s, probably as an a…" - says leviticus

Overheard secrets (156 stories) - "No-one gets away clean... Apologies the length of this story. In fact, apologies for the story full stop. It may not be, strictly speaking, an overhea…" - says Don Draper

Performance (161 stories) - "Attracting an Audience On a night out with a few work colleagues, I ended up a bit worse for wear quite early on in the evening. This resulted in me l…" - says Monkey the Chicken

First rude thing I ever saw (209 stories) - "Zebra willy I am five years old and on a lovely day out at Whipsnade Zoo. I clap my hands with glee at the monkeys throwing poo. I watch birds of prey…" - says Queen of Cheesecake

Annoying Partners (220 stories) - "Nearly entirely irrelevant poo story Apologies for near-offtopicness, but it's a good 'un and I thought I ought to share the lurid details before they…" - says ousgg

Conspicuous Consumption (221 stories) - "A lost world I've always been a massive aeroplane nut. I grew up in Somerset, not far from near HMS Heron, the headquarters of naval aviation. The ann…" - says Scrumper

Losing it (302 stories) - "I was organising some kids games and needed a blindfold for one of them. I found a particularly wide tie, which would do the job. But what do I look …" - says Zuowan

Road Trip (175 stories) - "buffalo buffalo BUFFALO **First post to the boards, apologies for length, I've been drinking red wine and this topic sent me into a reverie** When …" - says billy_pudcock

Dodgy work ethics (205 stories) - "Acorn Electron Madness Back in .. oooh 1983 if I remember, I had a saturday job working in W.H. Smiths in their shiney new computer department. Easy m…" - says RadG

Old stuff I still know (484 stories) - "Crescent wank I can still remember my first proper wank. I was about 10 years old and I'd found a photography magazine of my dads with a picture of a …" - says Lionel Tiger

Bedroom Disasters (242 stories) - "Alcohol was a factor My new girlfriend told me she liked it rough. Despite having never done anything like that before, I think "fuck it", and we deci…" - says a gun that fires other, smaller guns

Horrible things I've done to a loved one (225 stories) - "It wasn't pre-meditated, but I was once rifling through the top-draw of junk looking for some money or something, when I came across a box. Without th…" - says Zak McFlimby

Fairgrounds, theme parks, circuses and carnivals (246 stories) - "I am a support worker and I work with a very disabled gentleman who I shall call Steve. Steve cannot speak, he cannot walk unaided and he has a damage…" - says Rev. Jayneflakes

Grandparents (236 stories) - "See if I've beat little sister to this... Both our Grandads died within 6 weeks of each other last year. As with any death/funeral, it is amazing how …" - says Greenbat

The Best / Worst thing I've ever eaten (473 stories) - "What a morning that was. I am the proud owner of a lovely black labrador, called Oscar, who turned 11 last month. It was not an uncommon thing for me …" - says 2_Killer_Mockingbirds

Trolls (262 stories) - "Wardrobe trolls When I was about 8ish, my imagination fuelled by Point Horror tales, I used to terrify my little brother with stories about how the tr…" - says Milo Minderbinder

Conversation Killers (328 stories) - "TomTom A couple of years ago, I was at a mate's funeral. It wasn't a happy occasion; he'd hit a tree, and because he was divorced and his firm kept no…" - says all my scars face forward

The Police II (246 stories) - "Plain Clothes Officer My uncle bikes to his station in his bike leathers each day and gets changed into uniform when he's there. A few weeks ago h…" - says Sivvus

Winning (300 stories) - "Everyone's a winner It’ been some time since I wrote on here so hold tight, this is a long one…… This is a tale of ignorance, belligerence, a…" - says CaptainCuntyBollocks

World of Random (286 stories) - "People need to learn what 'random' means.... 'Random' doesn't mean unexpected. "That pelican randomly flew at me!" No. It didn't. 'Random' isn't a de…" - says The Oscillating Gibbon

Greed (224 stories) - "An Epic Battle When people mention great battles that have been fought through the history of time, there are a few that immediately spring to mind; D…" - says Monkey the Chicken

Creepy! (553 stories) - "not me, my dad back when i was a babe in arms my folks moved in to their first home. a decorating frenzy ensues and late one night my dad(19 at the ti…" - says studdley ruffrod

Irrational Hatred (886 stories) - "Getting things wrong when I am correcting someone A few months ago, Private Eye ran a cartoon showing Batman and Spiderman attending the same party. …" - says scarpe

Nights Out Gone Wrong (218 stories) - "At the risk of blowing my cover My worst night out, and one that I don't think I'll ever live down, was my first night out at Uni. 1998. I was a fr…" - says rofl harris

Awesome teachers (250 stories) - "Mrs Lewis, English. I always found English to be one of the more boring lessons; poetry-appreciation, Shakespeare and, worst of all, Jane fecking Aust…" - says R. Jimlad

Bodge Jobs (223 stories) - "Last year I wanted bigger and better fireworks for Guy Fawkes' - so I made this: It's not the best photo, snapped with a cheap camera phone before…" - says Albert Marshmallow

Stupid Colleagues (312 stories) - "That Office Moron? I am He. From the dark dingy depths of IT support, a young wax chewer had moved into a new, shiny department. A high profile area…" - says IChewCandlewax

Drunk Parents (174 stories) - "A Grumpy Old Man, Wrong Numbers And A Very Social Daughter Last summer my Dad had been getting wrong number phone calls for about a week on his mobile…" - says Dervel

Wanking Disasters Part II (189 stories) - "You know that myth about Marlilyn Manson? So I'd been enjoying one of the few pleasures of puberty for a year or so now. Unfortunately, I didn't have …" - says 99pence

Little Victories (217 stories) - "A little victory for the Polo company. A while ago, the people who make Polo mints brought out a promotional product called "Polo Holes", the idea bei…" - says sunray18

"Needless to say, I had the last laugh" (143 stories) - "Beating on the Booming Drum of Self Congratulation It was a warm, liquid afternoon in summer, showing Bournemouth off at its best. Happy people wande…" - says IChewCandlewax

I'm glad nobody saw me (182 stories) - "The French Connection… This happened well over 10 years ago – and not even in this country, but I still think about it every now and again. …" - says Pooflake

DIY Surgery (195 stories) - "Dam-Busters I may or may not have mentioned this before. *hangs head in shame* One night a few years ago year: Particularly bored and on a bit o…" - says Humpty Dumpty was Pushed

Bullshit and Bullshitters (362 stories) - "North Korean MySpace Pretty sure this is a pearoast, but I can't remember for sure. Basically, the story starts that I made a fake account on MySp…" - says racetraitor

House Guests (173 stories) - "An inadvertent golden shower Many moons ago I stopped off at a nightclub where I knew my friend, G, would be DJ'ing in the hope of blagging a lift hom…" - says Kovacs

Worst Band Ever (440 stories) - "When you watch this you will understand... Before you watch I must warn you that you will want to paper cut her eyes and force her to piss her own tee…" - says thePontificator

B3ta Villain of the Year 2010 (132 stories) - "The Pope Got to be. Promoting homophobic policies... check. Demonizing condoms in AIDS hotzones... check. Being anachronistically misogynistic... chec…" - says Amish Information Systems

B3ta Person of the Year 2010 (218 stories) - "Julian Assange Vote for this and we won't switch it to some twat from Facebook at the last minute. Although knowing B3ta I imagine Brian Blessed i…" - says rob

It's Not What It Looks Like! (163 stories) - "I have never ever won a game of Pictionary. " - says Dervel

Broken Promises (300 stories) - "A Christmas True Story Nothing causes more broken promises than an addiction to alcohol. Work, family, friends, they all bear the brunt and eventually…" - says Cheeses of Nazareth

Dad stories (335 stories) - "In which my dad bums some furniture... Picture the scene... It's early Christmas evening. The presents have all been opened. The Christmas dinner has …" - says R. Jimlad

Unusual talents (344 stories) - "I'm going to shoehorn something I heard at work today into this qotw; I have a colleague who has a talent for getting the wrong end of the stick. (see…" - says browser

Protest! (211 stories) - "Chips. Chips. I knew something was wrong the moment the metal hatch clattered ceilingward. Senga the dinner lady (for that may very well have been…" - says Timorous Beastie

Redundant technology (399 stories) - "Graphite.. I like drawing. A lot. Funny thing is, I never actually realised how much until April earlier this year. The wife bought me a dr…" - says danniekavanagh

Babysitters (194 stories) - "Zulu cock :o) My nan, god rest her beautiful, beautiful soul, suffered terribly with cataracts to the extent that in her seventies, the time wherin th…" - says R. Jimlad

Crappy relationships (285 stories) - "My made up relationship story is true On my first night at university I got drinking with a group of lads and, as 18 year old boys do, we all started …" - says Asser

Things to do before you die (357 stories) - "Well, since I am dying, This QOTW is sort of a QOML just lately. Yes, yes, we're all dying, and it's not like I'm going quickly but probably faster t…" - says dadadali

Vandalism (474 stories) - "Fun with fluorescent paint Many years ago I stood on my mate Mick's shoulders one night and neatly painted "FUCK" in meter high white chemo fluorescen…" - says Brian O'Blivion

Waste of money (259 stories) - "Motorcycle insurance A bit of background: I have a motorcycle, it's shit. Good when it works but constantly falls apart/breaks/fucks up and I've spent…" - says MJPerry

What was I thinking? (278 stories) - "The Amazing Shitting Cardboard Box! I remember one time years ago, I was about 10 or 11 years old and a couple of my mates and I were just making our …" - says Helmut McBucket

Drugs (357 stories) - "pea, again, sorry Mrs Spimf can’t do drugs... not at all, she’s tried coke a few times and it always went like this... "Want some of this co…" - says spimf

Easiest Job Ever (311 stories) - "Ha, got a reply See here first: www.b3ta.com/questions/easyjob/post863310 -- Dear SLVA , Thank you for contacting Honda (UK). We were very s…" - says sandettie light vessel automatic

Complaining (352 stories) - "The tale of the cornflake Many years ago, my Aunt had a friend who was a serial complainer\consumer terrorist. She used to fire letters of complaint …" - says frightfullybored

The B3TA Confessional (280 stories) - "Baby monitors.. Ah. Well, it was like this you see... I lived in a little terraced house, in an area popular with young families. When the baby Ott…" - says Ott3r

Narrow Escapes (303 stories) - "Marrow escapes Anyone want any marrows/got any marrow recipes?" - says stopmeandslapme

Lies that got out of control (237 stories) - "Oh crikey - the girl who got run over. I'd completely forgotten this one... My parents used to ask me every day "so how was school today?" and obvi…" - says sanityclause

Beautiful Moments, Part Two (288 stories) - "Chance meeting 24 years ago, I met a young lady, we started seeing each other and fell madly in love. We were together for three years, a real roller…" - says lardyboy

Ouch! (444 stories) - "Pissed up Mrs at my cousins wedding.... ...she was 2 and a half bottles of wine in after 3 hours. Just after the speeches I took her back to the hotel…" - says The only Dave

Guilty Laughs (323 stories) - "Mr Jingles I have one of those friends who posts status updates to Facebosh to inform all of *everything* that happens in her life. Recently, her stat…" - says R. Jimlad

"You're doing it wrong" (320 stories) - "Married women & saying the wrong thing. Not all married women, just the few that I have been involved with, each time it was a complete disaster. I do…" - says cname

Absolute Power (166 stories) - "This year was my first time teaching Year 1 For those who are not familiar with primary school year 1 are 5 year olds. This was their first year of fo…" - says Mrs Entity

Bizarre habits (527 stories) - "Weird things I say A few rhymes/sayings that I always recite and make sure I do so, without fail: When my dog farts: Naughty dog, smelly dog, go o…" - says Monkey the Chicken

Starting something you couldn't finish (264 stories) - "Oops, I did it again... Earlier this year, after getting increasingly miffed with numerous attempts by Greenpeace to try and drag me back into th…" - says Pooflake

Sticking it to The Man (240 stories) - "A ltter two teh ferrys As it's Fathers Day, I think I should treat you to the tale of when my dad finally swallowed his pride and asked me for help. T…" - says FoxyBadger

Bad Management (300 stories) - "Just to add a little balance.... A while ago I was working at an insurance company, a new girl had started and had been there a couple of weeks when t…" - says dchurch

Caught! (292 stories) - "The lovely Jessie was always pretending to spot something behind me... ...and using the distraction to steal some of my food/sweets/beer/whatever. …" - says Professor Kenny Martin

Professions I Hate (543 stories) - "Duck (Scary) vs Builder vs Solicitor I had some building work done, but got ripped off horribly when the useless workshy cunt of a builder did a runne…" - says Scaryduck

Good Advice (706 stories) - "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned… NOTE: This started out as just a harmless (and brief) anecdote, explaining the wisdom of the title advice…" - says Pooflake

Expensive Weekends (176 stories) - "Mrs Spimf can’t do drugs... not at all, she’s tried coke a few times and it always went like this... "Want some of this coke baby?" "No I ca…" - says spimf

Breasts (362 stories) - "Army Tits My favourite tit tale is when Sgt Major Wobbly-Gob came to attend a "Camouflage and Concealment" session to a group of new recruits. So, the…" - says Piper Alpha

My Arch-nemesis (182 stories) - "My train-nemesis(es), or how I became a public-transport vigilante. I used to have a fairly hellish hour-and-a-half commute to work. This, in and of i…" - says Serotonicity

Cars (470 stories) - "My story... I was driving down the road the other day when I saw some guy standing on the corner around some kids, looking really shifty. I noticed…" - says Donkey Gums

Best and worst TV ads (617 stories) - "my problem with advertising is fairly broad... Speaking as one who makes a living in this godawful trade, the real problem is around the media as a wh…" - says Chad

Annoying words and phrases (1071 stories) - "What? I used to have a verbally disabled boss who was always coming out with his own made-up ‘management speak’. Some that spring to mind; “…" - says Ring Of Fire

Prejudice (406 stories) - "My girfriend dumped me by email ... ...telling me that I am "dyslexic and bigoted". For fucks sake, even if I did have dyslexia it shouldn't be used …" - says emadex

How clean is your house? (308 stories) - "A friend Joe and his girlfriend once moved into a council house in one of the more vibrant parts of the city. It came with quite a large, yet not the…" - says sandettie light vessel automatic

Amazing displays of ignorance (761 stories) - "It's probably more innocence than ignorance But when I was still at the age when I needed to be accompanied to public lavatories by my dad rather than…" - says Ungersven

Doctors, Nurses, Dentists and Hospitals (403 stories) - "Badger's Guide To Getting The Most Out Of Your NHS. 1. Don't be a rude ignorant wanker. I've got a consultant wanting to ask a selection of questions …" - says Amorous Badger

Letters they'll never read (505 stories) - "Dear dyslexics, The unforgivably excessive permutations of terminology and phraseology in the English language undoubtedly appear impenetrable to you.…" - says Happy Phantom

Ginger (386 stories) - "Chickens For obvious reasons, I call my pet chickens the Ginger Ladies. When I go out to feed them, I sing: "All ma ginger ladies, all ma ginger la…" - says Peapod

Flirting (271 stories) - "There's some daft person near me who's flirting with a tree! On my commute to work, I drive past a tree that somebody keeps buying cards and flowers f…" - says Zak McFlimby

Mums (310 stories) - "My Mum was an absolute one-off In good ways and bad ways. Mostly good ways. When she went into the hospice for the last time, and we knew she only …" - says Capo

Famous people I hate (573 stories) - "Golden Arches and Coulrophobia Famous People I hate? Instead of giving you a list of people which are already on here 1,000 times I’ll do something …" - says Flim-Flam the Magnificent

The Soundtrack of your Life (407 stories) - "I don't even like the song It’s almost two years since our little boy was born and a happier, healthier little bundle of joy you couldn’t hope for…" - says Mork

Real-life slapstick (371 stories) - "Time for a pearoast Sheffield gets a lot of bad press regarding its public transport system. To be fair as if you don't live on the tramline you'r…" - says kickstandrich

Anonymous (223 stories) - "As an antithesis to Bad Advice's funeral cuntiness below, When we go to the cemetery where Mrs SLVA's parents are buried, I see several children’s g…" - says sandettie light vessel automatic

Vomit Pt2 (432 stories) - "Shit and stuff So my son shat himself. Not that strange, considering he is only two years old, although pushing three. We were playing outside, and I …" - says ThorTheBear

Sexism (465 stories) - "My friend is often labeled a sexist... Her: "My EYES are UP HERE!" Him: "You've spent the last 30 minutes going on and on about your fucking cat desp…" - says Allisade

Schadenfreude (336 stories) - "I have never, never laughed so hard I was walking home from shop when I saw my mate cycle past. I shouted and he looked round to see who it was. How…" - says sandettie light vessel automatic

Asking people out (335 stories) - "Oh God, this digs up bad memories Some of the most excruciating times of my life have centred around asking girls out. People who know me now might…" - says ousgg

Failed Projects (189 stories) - "Grandad.. Mat J's post has just tickled a memory bone.. www.b3ta.com/questions/worldoffail/post584511#answers-post-584571 My grandad was one of tho…" - says danniekavanagh

Presents (273 stories) - "supposedly my best gift ever or so my mum says. it's not exactly your average gift, but she still talks about it. one year, when i was about 11 yea…" - says Smash Monkey

PE Lessons (441 stories) - "Physical Education GCSE Paper 1 - Multiple Choice Question 1 It’s Monday morning and first period is Rugby. During morning tutor period the class …" - says Colonel Dracula

Family Feuds (231 stories) - "Accidental Personality change My memories of my dad before I was10 are quite good. He wasn't the most demonstrative of parents but he was funny, a bi…" - says sittingduck

Teenage Crushes - Part Two (425 stories) - "Are people misunderstanding what a crush is? Are crush and hormone-driven gratuitous sexual fantasy the same thing? IMO no it isn't. I think a crush …" - says sandettie light vessel automatic

Rubbish Towns (563 stories) - "Kappa-Slappa Jailbait You couldn't even have a wank in this town without having some teenage girl battering down your front door, punch you in the fac…" - says SpankyHanky

Sexual fetishes (419 stories) - "This is going to make you vom into your own outstretched hands… Kink, quirk, fetish, perversion – call it what you will. I have a weakness�…" - says Mr Twisty Cheeky

I don't understand the attraction (899 stories) - "What’s the deal…? What’s the deal with Harry Potter? I bet he likes it up the jotter Dan Brown’s shit sells by the tonne & Obama�…" - says Mr Twisty Cheeky

Celebrities part II (478 stories) - "Oh, just remembered My mate Carl used to be in a band that supported The Hollies on a tour some years ago. They'd finish and then go back to their pi…" - says sandettie light vessel automatic

Neighbours (311 stories) - "Blue Rinse Dragons Part II This will make more sense if you can be bothered with this Blue Rinse Dragons Part I The wispy apparition of the Lingeri…" - says spimf

IT Support (407 stories) - "Testing! Testing! A few years back, we used to have an IT filter on our PCs at work. You'd try and look at anything inappropriate and get blocked. …" - says SnowyTheWereRabbit

The most childish thing you've done as an adult (650 stories) - "Severely pissed off fighting through the hoards of tourists and shoplifters in Primarks on Oxford Street, my girlfriend asks the shop assistant: "E…" - says SpankyHanky

Helicopter Parents (232 stories) - "New Girlfriend When I was 19, I started dating a girl named Rachel who I met down my local. We’d been seeing each other for about 3 weeks when I sen…" - says Monkey the Chicken

Call Centres (521 stories) - "Sometimes, it pays to listen. First of all, everything written below is true and is virtually word-for-word a transcript of the conversation. I have c…" - says Undercovercarrot

Conspiracy theory nutters (259 stories) - "Not many people know this... This post has been removed by a moderator" - says notmyrealname

DIY Techno-hacks (269 stories) - "Wank alarm When I was 11, I was into electronics. My best ever project was to install Maplin type pressure pads around the house under the carpet, and…" - says I have run out of coke

School Projects (262 stories) - "Whoooooosh! At school, I was never particularly good at maths or science but I excelled at English (oh, those were the days). When I was young and in…" - says MademoiselleDave

Food sex (259 stories) - "Twix of Doom My first girlfriend and I were together for about two and a half years. A few weeks before we split up we went on a short break to Cartme…" - says nasalhair

Mobile phone disasters (353 stories) - "A happy tale My last few efforts on QOTW seem to be all fluffy and nice and unfortunately (perhaps) this is no exception. There we were, blokes dr…" - says SpikeyPickle

The Dark (280 stories) - "We had only a couple of hours in which to see Dylan at the funeral home before the coffin had to be closed. Everyone who could be there looked at his …" - says Juan Quar

Banks (403 stories) - "Long story of stubborn coppery hell Years of collecting coppers in a big jar until it finally reached the top. Conscientious as I am, I separate all t…" - says NickTervous

Gyms (248 stories) - "The Breaking of Farting Strings. When I was in my mega fit phase a few years ago (sadly I am now a bit of a fatty) I would try to push my body quite f…" - says powervator

Tramps (340 stories) - "Manchester Hobo - a tale of homelessness and happiness. He was a lovely chap and I'll call him Fred. I first met Fred when he was sleeping on the …" - says SpikeyPickle

Buses (375 stories) - "Revenge is a dish best served......eaten? Living in Non-UK European country and not having a driving license I get to travel the Pov wagon fairly ofte…" - says Bababoon

The Boss (309 stories) - "Crazy Steve There were 3 managers in a fast food place that I worked, two that loved their jobs and the other, Crazy Steve, who clearly didn't give a …" - says Regger

That's me on TV! (330 stories) - "Da-duh, da-duh, da-duh-la-da..... BONG! I haven't previously mentioned this on here (which is surprising - for some reason, I end up telling most pe…" - says TheMagicDwarf

Festivals (371 stories) - "in which Phill Jupitus nearly steals my toy bee. So, due to a combination of intense poverty, surprising lameness of friends ["what do you MEAN you 'd…" - says Seventh

Unexpected Nudity (419 stories) - "Why I can never go back to Sweden I'm married to a Swede. The blond type, not the root vegetable kind (although tubers possible have a better sense …" - says voodo_kinky

Impulse buys (344 stories) - "SWMBO's parents are Francophiles. They like all antique furniture - grandfather clocks, antique mahogany dressing tables and other such monstrosities.…" - says Sir General ***WoW***

Bullies (384 stories) - "I've been waiting to tell this story When I as at School, long ago. There was a boy who I shouldn't name called Paul Bentley He was bullied lots…" - says WormuIus

Gambling (295 stories) - "How I Met Monty Stupid bets, you say? I've made a few of 'em. Most of these come about drunkenly between me and my friends, when my decision-making pr…" - says TheMagicDwarf

Turning into your parents (391 stories) - "I chanced upon this QOTW when I was feeling a bit down. I've just been to the local Mobility shop to browse their (admittedly fine, and extensive) ran…" - says Northern Lovely

Public Sex (404 stories) - "Sin at the cinema Regular readers of my posts may remember my university XXX-ex, who was always up for a gunky fumble. It took me a few months to brin…" - says chart cat

I'm your biggest Fan (362 stories) - "University Challenge Ok, this QOTW was made for me, and if this doesn't make the top of the front page I will CRY. Way back in...2003 I think it w…" - says grandmasterfluffles

Nightclubs (403 stories) - "Quim! There! I was once in one of Newcastle's classier* late night drinking establishments, of which there are many. It was a Wednesady night, which w…" - says Undercovercarrot

Unemployed (261 stories) - "DIRTY LAUNDRY Sometimes I manage to disgust myself. Was I really going to sink so low and put my plan in action? Too fucking right I was. And i…" - says SpankyHanky

Nativity Plays (330 stories) - "B3ta Nativity play, Act 1 Scene: classroom, B3ta Grant Maintained Primary School. Pasta and glitter glue CDCs adorn the walls. The teacher, Mr chthoni…" - says crackhouseceilidhband

God (553 stories) - "Let's get it out of the way A message to the believers: No, ID does not have sound arguments, and its claims are bogus. In no sense are they compara…" - says Enzyme

The thing I've been most ashamed of doing with a penis (401 stories) - "Dirty dirty... Back at some point in 2006, I visited a gay club. I'm not gay - but my friend of many, many years had recently come out and was constan…" - says Albert Marshmallow

Puns (780 stories) - "This QOTW reminds me of my schooldays Back when I was doing my GCSEs I really struggled to figure out how and when to get my studying done. Luckily t…" - says GarbageFan

Housemates (409 stories) - "The Colour Purple… Disclaimer: Please get comfy…and you might want to get a cup of coffee / can of Redbull / gram of speed to keep you going …" - says Pooflake

Hypocrisy (451 stories) - "Dare I say… Asking for QotW suggestions, then ignoring them all and putting your own forward? " - says Pooflake

Darwin Awards (418 stories) - "Flaming balls of shit! I have a mate. He's a bad influence. When he and I get together, we're positively chaotic. This episode tells of a time shor…" - says lustfish

Pubs (518 stories) - "I've probably told this one before but it's my favourite bar story Me and my friends (a bunch of crusty grebos to a man) decided that for a bit of fun…" - says emvee

School Days (746 stories) - "The Headmaster I'll get it off my chest nice and early. You know the kid in class who always turned up early to lessons, handed homework in on time an…" - says FoxyBadger

The Credit Crunch (365 stories) - "That's gotta hurt I recently realised that I can't really afford to spend the money I used to spend on going to see Southend play football, as I now l…" - says scarpe

Things we do to fit in (262 stories) - "The day I became A MAN !!! Twenty - odd years later this is still excruciatingly embarrassing to recall. And I still haven't, and probably never…" - says SpankyHanky

Workplace Boredom (405 stories) - "sad this is what me and the bloke beside me made to mark the border between his desk space and mine: edit: I've realised that this photo doesn'…" - says yes yes yes man

Siblings (356 stories) - "My youngest brother .xls at school. The oldest one's already a .doc. But the other one's a pdf file." - says apeloverage

Addicted (414 stories) - "I'm addicted to brake fluid, but do feel that I could stop at any time." - says oneinthepink

I'm going to Hell... (648 stories) - "Bloody Morphine I greeted my girlfriend's parents in the sterile lobby area at University Collage Hospital London. They looked tired. I looked tired…" - says SpankyHanky

Cougars and Sugar Daddies (404 stories) - "Getting a Marshmallow into a Piggybank. She was 46. I was 21. She had Bowie-esque angled features and a body not ruined by giving birth to her son, my…" - says trumplefahrt

Cringe! (783 stories) - "Licky licky About 10 years ago, I was at the dentists. I was laying there in the chair staring at the ceiling whilst he was using his instruments of t…" - says mugwump

Family codes and rituals (481 stories) - "Some family rituals are better cunted in the fuck Not a funny one. Throughout my childhood, the only male member of my father's side of the family …" - says Tourette's ( . )( . )

Procrastination (437 stories) - "I spent Sunday at home, in my pants, doing nothing ...well, up until around 11pm. My phone rang, which is weird since nobody EVER calls me. It came …" - says GONEism

Stuff I've found (680 stories) - "we found a troll. A group of friends decide to spend a day on acid, one of them doesn't want to partake and says he'll pop round and see them later wh…" - says drshipman

Eccentrics (417 stories) - "Was it him or was it me? I'm still not quite sure who was the nuttier person in this situation, you decide. Wiggly lines to simulate going back in…" - says Woofie

Tightwads (517 stories) - "My Bloody (Cheap) Valentine It was February 2006. I had been with my girlfriend for nearly four years. She was from Archangel in Northern Russia. She …" - says Boss Keloid

Common (904 stories) - "With apologies to Julie Andrews Big hoopy earrings and slag tags on mothers Corsas with alloys and lily-assed brovvaz annoying ring tones, played on…" - says Bicycle Repairman

Spoilt Brats (428 stories) - "Some years ago I had about 10 months of unemployment, back in the days of REAL recession, not this namby-pamby bankers-running out-of-cash-because-the…" - says Captain Placid

The nicest thing someone's ever done for me (488 stories) - "Sheer coincidence My brother died at the age of 39 from inoperable stomach and bowel cancer. He was a lot older than me, and had moved out and joined…" - says Leo Sasquatch

My sex misconceptions (463 stories) - "Three's a crowd My sex misconception was that having my first threesome would be a good idea. It didn’t happen by accident. One of my best mates,…" - says chart cat

Food sabotage (490 stories) - "Booze (or not) Working in a pub you meet lots of nice people, unfortunately you also have to suffer more than your fair share of cockends. Now, I h…" - says monkeyboyalpha

Social Networking Gaffes (340 stories) - "Trannybo I am more of the email generation and wasn’t really down with the Facebook and Bebo thing until my mates pestered me to join Bebo. So I…" - says powervator

Customers from Hell (718 stories) - "Not a customer from hell... ...but I worked for a greedy company from hell. An insurance/pensions company I won't name. Due to stock market shittin…" - says The Helpful Bear

Will you go out with me? (413 stories) - "My Childhood Sweetheart She had large brown eyes and long wavy hair worn in plaits tied with navy blue ribbons. When she smiled the room lit up an…" - says Stiff Richard

My most gullible moment (595 stories) - "I briefly felt a pang of guilt There was a young girl where I used to work who spent the day obviously upset about something, you know little tears an…" - says TriedItOnceAndDidn'tLikeIt

Thrown away: The stuff you loved and lost. (654 stories) - "Innocence Lost! If found, please call! You might think that alcohol is a wonderful thing. I used to too. However, I was forced to changed my opini…" - says Devil_In_Tights

Blood (483 stories) - "My balls came off! My friend, lets call him Mike, for that is blah blah. His girlfriend Jane tells this story quite nicely. I shall recall. Mike li…" - says I have run out of coke

Get Rich Quick (318 stories) - "Easy money? There is a simple formula, which goes thus: 1) Convince yourself that it's your right to be famous, by doing absolutely fuck all to des…" - says Davros' Granddad

Pointless Experiments (662 stories) - "The Tena for Women Assesment Test - (TWAT for short) Whilst having a conversation with one of my friends whilst 'slightly' inebriated, we were interu…" - says Spangulum

Best Films Ever (738 stories) - "Dave & I It was just a simple drinking game to go with watching an old favourite: Withnail & I. Keep up with Withnail, in essence, the bare essentials…" - says sorry.

Faking it (349 stories) - "I am a robotics genius (or so the Japanese think) A few years ago as a fresh faced graduate I a got my first “proper” job in a secondary school. T…" - says Peej

Tales of the Unexplained (608 stories) - "The landlord and his dog I once knew a chap called Jim. Jim was a landlord who ran a small village pub with his wife Betty. They were a wonderful coup…" - says chart cat

My Biggest Disappointment (588 stories) - "I was 13 I was sitting in my bedroom overlooking the street. It was getting dark, but I was bored and listless and couldn't be arsed to get up to turn…" - says Bazongaloid

Advice from Old People (567 stories) - "I used to be a manager in a pub in South Yorks Everyday this old boy would come in and drink his Guinness and whiskey chasers. The female staff all h…" - says bennyhillslovechild

Accidental innuendo (1045 stories) - "Teacher gets owned by a 12 year old Unfortunately the teacher was me. A couple of years back I was teaching in a rather deprived area to say the leas…" - says knackerz

What's the hardest you've tried to get dumped? (315 stories) - "Three years. Before the nutcase mentioned in a previous QOTW (http://www.b3ta.com/questions/stalked/post119130 for the fun and hilarity) there was... …" - says Matoosh

Public Transport Trauma (488 stories) - "I am posting this for the Chav on the 163 Last year, during the Rugby world cup, I was on my local bus going to the pub to watch the England match. On…" - says KISS.ME.WHERE.I.POO

I Quit! (367 stories) - "Pretend suicide Now this turned out harsher than I expected, but seemed a cracking idea at the time. I was young, hacked off, and as young and hack…" - says rofl harris

This book changed my life (673 stories) - "The big book of mischief The below happened when three or four months before my 16th Birthday. It must of taken at least an hour to download the tx…" - says KISS.ME.WHERE.I.POO

My most treasured possession (503 stories) - "my trunk It's an old wooden trunk of the kind taken to sea by sailors of yore. I keep it at the foot of my bed and it's stashed with a lifetime of cur…" - says frankspencer

Pet Peeves (1293 stories) - "Here's some actual stuff There are several issues I would like to address but I don’t have strong enough views on them each to fill a post and make …" - says MJPerry

When Animals Attack (770 stories) - "The Attack of the Unimaginative Repeating Twat-Sloth .... Bastard thing has struck 4 times this year so far... I never usually stoop to this…" - says Humpty Dumpty was Pushed

Kids (812 stories) - "I have little day to day contact with children but one instance that does stick in the mind happened a few months ago. I was at my desk wading thr…" - says Leonard Hatred

Phobias (1073 stories) - "The smell of baby oil gives me the shivers And if you want the story why... (It is a repost, but the QOTW ain't exactly thrilling my cotton socks o…" - says Pavlov's Frog

DIY disasters (354 stories) - "Expandy Foam, Part II After my exciting tale of foam-based trouble, www.b3ta.com/questions/diy/post137148 comes this story of woe. A friend of mine…" - says Cawl

Shit Stories: Part Number Two (615 stories) - "Glycerol Explosions If there's ever a question that calls for TMI, this is it. Normally, I'm a reasonably regular kind of guy. No problems down the…" - says calamarain

Your first cigarette (500 stories) - "Ending The Smoking Debate If, like me, you're a staunch non-smoker tired of hearing the (unprompted) rantings of smokers over their right to smoke, do…" - says Orin

Guilty Pleasures, part 2 (723 stories) - "running up the stairs using my hands as well as my feet LOVE IT!!" - says zulu

How nerdy are you? (763 stories) - "Time To Grow Up And Get Married I could bore you all with thrilling tails of BBC Micro programming, mobile phone USSD commands, obscure Mornington Cre…" - says terryeden

Have you ever seen a dead body? (471 stories) - "Back when I was young little ape I was exploring my friends back garden (snigger) looking for treasure/porn/buried civil war swords. We were, all i…" - says Naked Ape

Karma (368 stories) - "greed One Christmas I was investigating the fridge when I discovered a huge bowl of brandy butter. I was about to reap the rewards of my find, when…" - says browser

I witnessed a crime (512 stories) - "Not my story... ...but one of my favourites. Many years ago, some of my friends used to do the rubber-sword live action RP - dressing up as orcs an…" - says davywavy

Mix Tapes (441 stories) - "No woman, no cry /pop/un-lurks. Hi there, I’ve been lurking almost a year now, trying to get up the bottle to post my one and only story worth …" - says A Bean Countin' Man

Stalked (332 stories) - "My tale, and the guilt that follows My first ever b3ta post, after I registered specifically so I could tell this tale. I was once a stalker and it…" - says TalkbackStuck

Bastard Colleagues (462 stories) - "Directors and Managers are by far the worst. This is simply a rant about directors and managers who think themselves higher than royalty, higher than …" - says Miggyman

Hotel Splendido (378 stories) - "Scotland?! I've just remembered this Many moons ago I had to go to the Isle of Bute in the wintertime for a very boring acoustic survey of a cheese fa…" - says Captain Placid

Shoplifting (480 stories) - "Shoplift... Storeslift.. its all the same Sport. Worked in engineering stores of a West Sussex based airline, they go belly up owing me a months wages…" - says Eeeza bit Tidy

Cheap Tat (467 stories) - "My dutch bike I spent part of my university years at the Universiteit Leiden, in Holland. Now Holland is even bigger on bikes than Oxford or Cambridge…" - says Doomladen

Dumb things you've done (773 stories) - "Some people shouldn't be allowed to teach This was recalled by someone much earlier telling tales of scientists doing stupid things. For my sins, I…" - says ousgg

Evil Pranks (561 stories) - "The Game About 5 years ago, I was entrusted with the task of looking after my sister's cats over the new year while she and her boyfriend spent a mont…" - says roidoid

Accidental animal cruelty (608 stories) - "Bimbo and the bowl. This story concerns two friends of my parents; Nick and Jill. Nick is a good humoured guy of great patience. Jill is extremely …" - says Generator

Pathological Liars (539 stories) - "Seats on the Tube First some background. A few years ago, I came off my motorbike and ripped a chunk out of my knee. All superficial damage, but …" - says Kaer

Political Correctness Gone Mad (641 stories) - "My Son's Dog. A couple of years ago I got my son, who was six at the time, a dog. I’d read something about children who get brought up with pets bei…" - says spangledonkey

Desperate Times (361 stories) - "I'm just a two bit whore... Regular QOTWeekers will notice a common theme in many of my postings. That being that I am monumentally, catastrophically …" - says Rakky (forgot her password)

Abusing freebies (384 stories) - "Wet Snacks Long time listener, first time caller. I was DJing at a wedding a number of years back in a very small town in Scotland, about 2 miles f…" - says Cheeses of Nazareth

Stupid Dares (323 stories) - "This one's from a while ago. I was on the pool team. We were fairly rubbish, but had bonded well, and spent a fair few hours in the pub together. Wh…" - says Occulus

Expensive Mistakes (338 stories) - "I.T. is a minefield for expensive mistakes There's so many different ways to screw up. The best you can hope for in a support role is to be invisible.…" - says chart cat

Conned (468 stories) - "Did I win or not? Picture the scene… Bristol Temple Meads station, wino-smack head approaches and says, 'Mate, I'm short of my train fare home, c…" - says JeffTheDogFucker

Voyeurism (391 stories) - "Recently I saw a fat, hairy, odd-looking man wanking whilst watching me when I was naked in the bathroom. . . . Oh, it was a mirror." - says sir_spicious2000

Insults (1462 stories) - "The B3ta Guide to sweary Insults 101 Right then children, are we sitting comfortably? Good, then I’ll begin. The general tried and trusted insult …" - says Pooflake

The Dirty Secrets of Your Trade (688 stories) - "I murdered a director I used to work for a company that was run by academics. Marketing types would ring speculatively and, being academics, they hate…" - says Jugular

Being told off as an adult (453 stories) - "Act of God! We live on a cul-de-sac on a typical 60's housing estate, it's a great place to live, the dozen or so kids are not glue sniffing ASBO's, a…" - says turtles head is touching cloth

Personal Ads (785 stories) - "Match.com I wanted to use the Kasey Chambers song title (yes, I know!) "If I were you, I would notice me" as my headline. It cut me off, so hotties…" - says setimret

Too much information (437 stories) - "Ahh, festival bogs T'was the summer of 1999, and my first ever Leeds Festival was in full swing. It was ace lazing around, watching bands, getting sh…" - says Droog

Guilty Secrets (536 stories) - "I ruined a kids day trip As an experienced traveller of buses, I feel that I have gained a invaluable insight into the problems of public transport. T…" - says Furness

Sleepwalking (845 stories) - "Got a great one I woke up to hear some stranger noises coming from downstairs at an old girlfriend's place. I went halfway down the stairs to find…" - says Donkey Gums

Terrible Parenting (601 stories) - "Dont fuck with lawyers My dad is a partner in a smallish law firm. He loves nothing better than annoying people and suppliers who piss him off, nothin…" - says I have run out of coke

Why should you be fired from your job? (355 stories) - "Repost (so don't bother clicking "I like this"), but it did well last time so enjoy... I should have been fired (or at least disciplined). 5 years …" - says Colonel Dracula

Family Holidays (278 stories) - "Dad's cock We were early teens when my folks took me and my brother to Las Vegas on holiday. Obviously being too young for cocktails and bankruptcy at…" - says R. Jimlad

Council Cunts (451 stories) - "Have you been trapped in the relentless petty minded bureaucracy of your local council? No, but these council workers will soon realise they have been…" - says turtles head is touching cloth

I Drank Meths (pointless teenage things you did to shock) (351 stories) - ""I bet you won't" "Really? I bet I will!" ***************************** Two friends and I were in the woods, as usual shooting bunnies for the l…" - says Humpty Dumpty was Pushed

* PFFT * (546 stories) - "Gurning out a rectal-puff in a supermarket is not big, nor clever, yet quite amusing. I was strolling through Tescos with my trolly and suddenly I fel…" - says Captn Hood-Butter

Crazy Relatives (466 stories) - "the adorable sweetness of my granddad's brainwrongness My granddad used to leave pudding out in the garden. Slightly mental in itself, of course. …" - says Confused, would we?

Why I was late (437 stories) - "Oktoberfest From: $Manager Sent: Donnerstag, 28. September 2006 12:29 To: REC Subject: Re: Where are you?! REC, its already noon and you have no…" - says ReallyEvilCanine

What's the most horrific thing you've seen? (608 stories) - "Oh dear lord, dear lord above This is a story from my dad, and it is so gruesome it gives me an instant headache and the cold shivers whenever I think…" - says Northern Lovely

The worst sex I ever had (528 stories) - "Fishy Mimsy.. and absoloutly NOT for the reason you'd expect... Despite having slept with terrible shags, potato-sack stylee lovers, people who raked …" - says Humpty Dumpty was Pushed

Pet Stories (545 stories) - "My cat Leonard He's got to be in with a shout of being the best cat ever. Shortly after moving into our house in 2000, Ex-Mrs PJM and I decided t…" - says Bicycle Repairman

Mistaken Identity (590 stories) - "Mistaken Identity I was once at a foam party at a club in Leeds. As the foam got thicker I wondered drukardly further into the depths to see if I coul…" - says Furness

And that's the thanks I got (229 stories) - "I should have put the phone down... I am sorry to all those saddled with mad bosses, and rubbish jobs. Mine is great. I'm on the radio. No I really am…" - says rockers74

Terrible food (598 stories) - "Badger badger badger, mushroom mushroom! This is one of the most horrible stories I have ever heard. It features, as you can guess, Students and Badge…" - says 71 hour Ahmed

Work Experience (369 stories) - "Seven days make one weak... From the bowels of Lincolnshire, I was the only person in my school year to get work experience down in London. Everyone w…" - says jangle

Best Graffiti Ever (1367 stories) - "Street signs! Recontextualising such a common fixture as a street sign has a huge effect. It is simultaneously inconspicuous and memorable. I w…" - says Random Ferret

Well, that taught 'em (394 stories) - "I Do a Performance course at University And there's this one girl who is possibly the laziest little bugger on the planet. She never pays attention in…" - says __

We have to talk (346 stories) - "They fuck me up, his mum and dad... I'd been going out with my then boyfriend for nearly a year. Two days after both going out to Israel to start our…" - says Hampster Squared

Mad Stuff You've Done To Get Someone To Sleep With You (408 stories) - "I'll let you into a little secret. You know that fit bird on the dancefloor you’d die to knob? She's spent hours slimming, toning, waxing, plucking,…" - says no way hose

Housemates from hell (370 stories) - "Bob's epiphany. It has been alleged that in a shared house in Birmingham there lived four people. Two were a couple (M&F) and there were two others. O…" - says Captain Placid

Childhood Ambitions (415 stories) - "Comedy Gold I had all the usual ambitions as a child; footballer, astronaut, milkshake tester, professional strip poker player, being Mr. T, sex pest,…" - says Gleeballs

Personal Hygiene (572 stories) - "Me tits hurt I have one for you all. A mate of mine is a real, honest-to-dog doctor. At the beginning of his career, he acted as a locum doctor in G…" - says lustfish

Cross Dressing (328 stories) - "Women's problems This is sort of related. When I was 14 I was stopped in Guildford High Street by one of those people with clipboards. She asked me "…" - says browser

Strict Parents (473 stories) - "They feck you up, your mum and dad When I was younger, my parents wouldn't let me wear any low-cut tops, miniskirts, heels, makeup or even decent ling…" - says mochyn

Picky Eaters (841 stories) - "Mince I used to work with a guy. Lenny. I’m not saying he was tight but . . . duck’s posterior doesn’t do him justice. Single, never married, a…" - says SalRossi

When were you last really scared? (475 stories) - "the shame At uni we did this: Grabbed a mate from behind and put a sack over his head, and tied him up. He had no idea who we were. We were very ag…" - says I have run out of coke

Ripped Off (493 stories) - "Divorce Lawyers..... I'm sure I can't be the only one with a story like this: I'm in the midst of getting divorced. It's all amicable, we've agreed…" - says Sammyhaswoefullyneglectedyou

Spoooky Coincidence (512 stories) - "Car-incidence Friend of my mum's, called Cassie (so not me, but it's such a freakishly coincidental coincidence it quite frankly terrifies me) Long…" - says Northern Lovely

Other people's diaries (308 stories) - "My Brother Myself and my brother never got on. Hate each other with a passion, and still do. So that's why I came up with this little bit of cruel…" - says Kaer

My first experience of porn (450 stories) - "Operation: Buy Porn Buying porn mags from newsagents was one of the scariest things a young man had to go through. You internet-generation kids will n…" - says SqueakyG

The Weird Kid In Class (525 stories) - "From my mate Alex I'd like to tell you about a childhood friend of mine, who upon reflection was very strange, but at the time was the best friend a…" - says Donkey Gums

My Collection (435 stories) - "Hmmmmmmm... Nescafe As a kid, my brother once tried collecting his farts. He approached the whole business quite scientifically; for a maladjusted…" - says geegee

Failed (385 stories) - "failed commando Story from the old man. Apparently aged 14 and out with his school on a camping trip. The man in charge is their ex-army PE instruc…" - says Darth Vegas

Where is the strangest place you have slept? (522 stories) - "On a very large pile of lego there's nothing quite like waking up, half drunk, half hungover, looking in the mirror and seeing the word ogel imprinted…" - says Bert Monkeysex

Secret Santa (244 stories) - "OK. One more time ... There's a girl in my office who's been flirting with me for weeks. It started with smiles, then progressed to tight blouses, t…" - says frankspencer

School Trips (455 stories) - "Please, Miss! You're on my cock! It was a geography trip to a local forest to show us how deciduous trees grow, or some such shite. The only good th…" - says frankspencer

Body Mods (302 stories) - "I used to be into Black Metal My name back then was "Doom Master" (changed by deed poll) and I was completely committed to Darkness. That's why I did…" - says frankspencer

Debt pron (389 stories) - "Debt vs Physics Is it called an Electron card because it incurs charges, yet carries no weight?" - says Jack Rarebit

Beautiful but Bonkers (341 stories) - "Crazy Sex Calls and a Trip to Scotland It's a long one. Eighteen months ago or so, I was near completing an A Level English course. There was a shy…" - says __

Going Too Far (449 stories) - "i'm going to hell. have just stagered gome af sast as i can from party still very drunk it's 1:16 am here. have just shagged my mate's girlfriend o…" - says Humpty Dumpty was Pushed

Dentists (380 stories) - "A Riposte I am a dentist and I feel that a response to some of your tales (some of which sound rather overly elaborated) is required; 1) Many o…" - says Calfderno

Not Losing Your Virginity (299 stories) - "My first love Lucy and I were inseparable. We used to go for long walks together and I'd spend hours stroking her back, which she loved. She was absol…" - says Beve The Spaniard

Useless advice (585 stories) - "....mmmm creamy On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - "WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?"" - says Darth Vegas

Road Rage (489 stories) - "JUST got off the phone to my Dad He was in Jewsons (the builders' merchant) when some spastic in a massive pickup (a new Mitsubishi Warrior, in immac…" - says Grrrmachine

My Greatest Regrets (423 stories) - "every time I get horny (when I'm single and at home), I download porn. And each time I tell myself I'll make a porn folder and keep the best ones on…" - says apeloverage

Inappropriate crushes (562 stories) - "Ahem.. Speaking from my very own mouth, I can tell you that I’m quite the heterosexual man. I love women. I love their bodies. I love kissing women …" - says The Horizontal Monster Mash

Oldies vs Computers (340 stories) - "different skills My Nana can't send an email with an attachment, but she can......grow veg and cook her own food from scratch, wire a plug, remember e…" - says turtles head is touching cloth

Unexpected Good Fortune (319 stories) - "Well, I was surprised, anyhow I went on an date with someone I'd been chatting to on an internet dating thing - and found Mrs. God. We're still happi…" - says purplegod

The Worst Journey in the World (380 stories) - "Virgin Sorry folks. Long story coming……… A while back I used to live in Manchester but work in London so it meant a weekly commute down to th…" - says Legless

Barred (311 stories) - "Free CD bonanza A bit of a geeky one this… I'm still (6 years on) barred from buying anything from Amazon.co.uk, when I enter my address it mysterio…" - says Son of Sam-i-am

DIY fashion (274 stories) - "not so much a fashion disaster As something really cool, but only to people who are themselves fashion disasters. " - says apeloverage

Apparently I'm a sex offender (300 stories) - "This still makes me cringe I was drunk on a train from Waterloo, and there were a couple of women opposite me that were clearly partners. One was a lo…" - says browser

Running away (197 stories) - "I don't want the navy treatment My dad was in the navy and was quite strict with me and my brothers (mainly because we were a bunch of hyperactive sod…" - says Squirter

Encounters with Royalty (327 stories) - "Prince William stole my job I had just finished a Masters course & was desperate to get work experience on a research project called Shoals of Caprico…" - says daytripper

Intense Friendships (149 stories) - "Tokyo Just remembered this one. It's too funny not to share. I've had a fair few "best mates" over the years but one of the greatest was "Millage…" - says Legless

Restaurants, Kitchens and Bars... Oh my! (276 stories) - "Haai-yaah Refreshingly clean story: at the end of the night in a busy 'Brewers Fayre' style pub restaurant, my sister and I were carrying large towers…" - says kidcamel

I hurt my rude bits (448 stories) - "Y-front Kerplunk... Years back when my kid bro was 3 or 4, he had the great idea of seeing just how many marbles he could fit in his pants. Dunno wha…" - says tinpixel

Lies I told on my CV (188 stories) - "CVs! I occasionally have to do the technical interviews for people who want to come and work with whatever company I'm at so I see a lot of CVs. Sa…" - says Legless

Rock and Roll Stories (355 stories) - "You either love him or hate him... Yes, I have been in a band but never really had any truly “Rock and Roll” experiences (apart from a Derek Small…" - says Mr Evian

The most cash I've ever carried (297 stories) - "Last week... ...I went out with a big wad of Euros to buy eleven French impressionist paintings that I'd wanted for a long time. Afterwards, I notice…" - says Olembe

Mugged (359 stories) - "don't mug yourself I work in Hackney. This place is where good muggers go when they die. Too many stories. The best was when I was waiting for a bu…" - says sadler

Awesome Sickies (301 stories) - "Reverse Sickies Last time I wanted a sickie, I was actually SICK...! Start of a bad headache and I tells wifey - "Shit, don't feel good. Head is pound…" - says Sir Jester

Missing body parts (339 stories) - "My frontal lobe No not that one you filthy minded cretins, the rather important part of your brain. Back when I still lived with my mum, I was sitt…" - says Bellamy's Enemy

Never Meet Your Heroes (507 stories) - "Tom Baker - HMV Oxford Street - Signing City of Death DVD NEVER MEET YOUR BOYFRIEND'S HERO AT HIS BEQUEST. The "Tom's putting it in" legend is scar…" - says Error 404 - Username Unknown

Worst Nicknames Ever (952 stories) - "Sticks and stones (and coathangers) It was pointed out by a "friend" a couple of years back that I look like a foetus (small features, big forehead.) …" - says jennymnemonic

Putting the Fun in Funeral (354 stories) - "Dad had died... his coffin was brought back to the house... ... so people could pay their last respects. During the last weeks as he was sedated b…" - says Error 404 - Username Unknown

Ignoring Instructions (386 stories) - "DONT ABUSE CATS During my first few years of childhood - I had a lot of fun with cats. I was always bollocked for doing things with cats. I rememb…" - says Chicken Skin Bag

Crap meals out (401 stories) - "Every sodding family meal since the age of six... ...my Dad feels the compelling need to trot out his array of "hilarious" restaurant jokes. Someon…" - says R. Jimlad

Messing with the Dark Side (325 stories) - "Adramelech! When I was about 11, I borrowed a book from the local library called 'The Devils of D-Day' - a book on how the allies called upon supernat…" - says squirrels emit silent screams

Teenage Parties (403 stories) - "age is everything Used to have a fantastic mate called Rosie, and we were round her house having a few beers and a laugh. Anyway, a friend of mine was…" - says jiggling_john

Heckles (580 stories) - "Not mine. A friend of mine went to a Comedy club in Birmingham somewhere. A drunk bloke at the front kept interrupting the stand-up turn who was appar…" - says Rotating Wobbly Hat

School Sports Day (291 stories) - "third leg Remember the three-legged race? Aged about 15 I got tied to the best looking girl in the year for an inter-school sports day. She gave me…" - says Boss Killer

In the Army Now - The joy of the Armed Forces (276 stories) - "Please remind yourselves that i was 14 and it was cadets. Drill Instructor - Get up the rope! Me. - Sir, i cannot get up the rope, Sir! Drill In…" - says I'm a schmuck, i did a schmucky thing.

I met a weirdo on the interweb (248 stories) - "Looking to find other musicians I used to have a few songs up on MP3.com - way back in 1999. A couple of years later I was still getting emails thr…" - says Seebeedee

School fights (419 stories) - "Full Beanbag Jacket Picture the scene: A quiet little borough of South London, and an equally quiet junior school, whose crowning achievement was…" - says Danage

Airport Stories (353 stories) - "I was traumatised for life Last year In an act of desperation I took a contract job in Saudi Arabia. After hearing all sorts of rumours I was pretty w…" - says Mong The Merciless

Sacked (305 stories) - "i was sacked for being a shit, but a proud one I used to work for a chain of pubs, Yates, and basically was a pump jockey for a couple of weeks until …" - says lunus

Child Labour (270 stories) - "We wish you a merry pissmas A few of us tykes used to go carol singing round our council estate each December. Lots of very nice people gave us sweets…" - says Ali Bongo 9000

My computer gave away my secrets (278 stories) - "Apologies to my 12-year-old nephew On google autocomplete whilst on his computer: billy and mandy rude pics bitch boner boobs breists cock co…" - says Naive Amoeba

Accidentally Erotic (415 stories) - "Preliminary Oral Exams for my PhD VERY stressful! I studied for months. I was to go before six full professors who would decide if I was good enough…" - says setimret

Join us... come join the cult (206 stories) - "What a question... Yes I've been part of a cult. I may as well tell you the story from the top. Cast your minds back to a time when you were 18, j…" - says jim_bob

Have you ever paid for sex? (261 stories) - "Well, I Suppose Yes... A few years ago a bunch of Mancs and me, the token Geordie went over to Amsterdam for a mates Stag Night. We had a cracking wee…" - says Legless

Fancy Dress (303 stories) - "This year I dressed as ... Or here if that image is blocked." - says chobb

Urban Legends (523 stories) - "I Didn't Have The Foggiest! I have relatives who live in Blackpool and so have visited the lovely (charvery) place many, many times throughout my life…" - says Gleeballs

Panic Buying (153 stories) - "Two years ago, my dad called to say he and my mum were 'popping round' as she really wated to see me on her birthday and I "hadn't bothered" to call i…" - says grey kid

It's not me, it's the drugs talking (529 stories) - "At Leeds festival a couple of years ago we were standing towards the back of the crowd, watching The Strokes. I say 'watching'; I couldn't really see …" - says grey kid

Birthdays (223 stories) - "19th birthday Had my 19th birthday while I was at Keele University and, by a happy coincidence, the same day there was a bash on at the student union …" - says calibrax

On the stage (245 stories) - "Aged 15, a 600-strong audience of peers, and a trombone Solo. Put yourself in my position. Here's a moment from my past. Imagine for one moment tha…" - says Humpty Dumpty was Pushed

Shame (458 stories) - "Paying The Bill My most shameful moment, without a shadow of a doubt, occurred roughly ten years ago. To cut a massive story slightly shorter, growing…" - says Gleeballs

Cheating cheaty cheats (267 stories) - "I was friends with a massive cheater at school but he got chucked out for eating gazelles behind the bike sheds." - says grey kid

Your Weirdest Teacher (600 stories) - "wales v england it's not wierd, but it deserves an honourable mention... Two English teachers, one specialising in Language, the other Literature. …" - says niceandwarmandhot

Fire! (452 stories) - "flaming bosoms never try and ignite a dodgy hob whilst wearing a dressing gown. fancying a breakfast fry-up, I turned on the gas, pushed the ignit…" - says biscuitbiscuit

Essential Items (441 stories) - "Lucky Silver Dollar I was given an American Silver dollar by my dad when i was young. I carry it with me everywhere. When i was in Baghdad a couple of…" - says Thursday Sugar Bowl

My first love (304 stories) - "It's another true love story (well it's TRUE at least) OK, so most people put this at the end, but Apologies for length - here goes: She was just a…" - says Amos E Wolfe

The passive-aggressive guilt trip (165 stories) - "Don't trouble yourselves clicking 'I Like This!' I've decided I don't want to win this week's question so don't bother voting for me. Sure it would be…" - says Gleeballs

Misunderstood (330 stories) - "I apologise and assure you I will no longer submit long, nonsensical answers In the light of last week's QOTW, in which several b3tans took the opport…" - says stusut79

Pretentious bollocks (409 stories) - " I would post a story, but I prefer to express myself through the medium of dance." - says Elizabeth Duke at Argos

The Police (347 stories) - "the price of death i was merrily cycling my way to my first job, in the pitch dark at 4 in the morning. whilst darting off the pavement i cut up jam …" - says furey

Posh (407 stories) - "I carry pictures of the queen in my pocket every day, and get this, some of the pictures are on metal. I often also tend to hand these out to youn…" - says Chance1234

Take my Mother-in-law... (217 stories) - "I wish she was mine!!! I'm not allowed to have a mother-in-law on account of me being 'an horrific bender(tm)' so instead I can only tell you about my…" - says Gleeballs

Toilets (556 stories) - "Barium Shits. Years ago I was diagnosed with a stomach ulcer and had to go for hospital for tests, the main one being a Barium Meal. Now this is a …" - says Legless

Scary Neighbours (398 stories) - "Student Neighbours A long, long time ago in a galaxy, far, far away. I was living in Manchester and having an absolute whale of a time. It was du…" - says Legless

Injured Siblings (423 stories) - "I confess... When I was seven years of age, I used to beg my mother for a little brother or sister. My main reason, at the time, was that I desperatel…" - says stusut79

Teenage Poetry (407 stories) - "Not My Pancreas Why, oh why, oh why Do the girls not talk to me? Is it my ears? They droop. The lobes are prominent Like bulbous, fleshy eardogs.…" - says stusut79

Crappy Prizes (391 stories) - "Grab A Grot Me and my sidekick, Denty, used to often go out on the pull in Manchester. When I say often I mean every night except Thursdays and Sunday…" - says Legless

Weird Traditions (541 stories) - "Weird tradition of mine Every time I see a herd of cows I always say to whoever is with me "look a flock of cows" and await the response of "herd of c…" - says creeper

That's when I knew it was over... (388 stories) - "that's when it SHOULD have been over... ... if i had any sense. those of you who bother to read the drivel i post on here will know that i am on-ag…" - says rachelswipe

Weddings (299 stories) - "This image is still burned onto my retinas.... Mate of mine was marrying his lovely Italian girlfriend in her home country. Her folks were very devo…" - says scunnydelight

Stupid Tourists (801 stories) - "Overheard in dublin: Two lost overweight North Americans wandering O'Connell Street looking for somewhere on the southside, looking confused. Wife…" - says WhoElse

Hidden Treasure (392 stories) - "Found in my attic a very nice aluminium baseball bat which has been waved at the local chavs to keep them in line from time to time. I left some tr…" - says boltneck

I'm an expert (547 stories) - "i quite good at typing the letter T, for example: TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT TTTT…" - says tyler198125

Now, there was no need for that... (313 stories) - "Bloody animals... I had just split up with my boyfriend of 4 years. Even though it was the right thing to do, it was quite traumatic. Having had 'th…" - says clapper

I was drunk when I bought this (374 stories) - "*sigh* I bought a swede for 3p from my local tesco express on my way home from an afternoon session. Then I drew a face on it. Then I wrote "steve the…" - says TopUpTheTea

When animals attack... (607 stories) - "I used to come home from work most nights and find my flatmate playing Quake 2 on the PC in my bedroom. As these were generally clan matches I would n…" - says Jay

The Onosecond (382 stories) - "Spoofing SMS Not a lot of people know how to do this so I'll share. A couple of years ago I was involved in a start-up company (alright, I owned th…" - says Legless

When I met the parents (376 stories) - "1st time I met my girlfriend's parents there was a barrage of intense questioning within seconds of arriving "Have you slept with Julie yet?" "Do …" - says Zak McFlimby

Jobsworths (425 stories) - "Reading Rock In the early 80's I used to attend the Reading Rock Festival every year. It used to be the highlight of my year, a week of stoned pissed …" - says Legless

Petty Sabotage (607 stories) - "Not me, but a school friend of my dad's.... Back in the 50's during my dad's school days there was no such thing as borstal and ASBO's and japery was …" - says TooMuch2AM

How I Skive Off Work (389 stories) - "skive, yet still be the most productive member of staff they have... erm, i was meant to be on the weekend shift... i arrived yesterday 15 mins lat…" - says professor honky

It was a great holiday, but... (317 stories) - "Dad's cock We were early teens when my folks took me and my brother to Las Vegas on holiday. Obviously being too young for cocktails and bankruptcy at…" - says R. Jimlad

The last thing that made me cry (600 stories) - "Dyslecsia I have a lot of problems due to my dyslexia, such as reading things. But I was close to tears when I found out Popeye had died last week. Lu…" - says RandomTwat

Guilty Pleasures (736 stories) - "Utterly Childish and Pointless I take great joy in bumping into people who wear camouflage gear - t-shirts, caps, trousers etc, and then apologising t…" - says Strangey

I just don't get it (881 stories) - "Toast My mother was useless in the kitchen. When I was about 10, I honestly thought you made toast by putting it under the grill until it turns bla…" - says Legless

Walkman Flashbacks (412 stories) - "Relax by Frankie Goes To Hollywood always makes me cringe I used to have very long hair, half way down my back. On my 35th birthday, my missus said sh…" - says peewee13

Useless Information (1213 stories) - "Wearing out the b3ta website Clicking the "I like this" link below ten times in a row makes the b3ta website show a secret message about wear and tear…" - says Fr_Jerry_McGwier

Beautiful Moments (446 stories) - "It was a beautiful, crisp morning in a camp-site near Rothbury, Northumberland. I awoke to the sound of birds singing and the invigorating feeling of …" - says Zak McFlimby

Losing Your Virginity (399 stories) - "First time, brown wings and firearms My old University mate Doug lost his cherry to a girl he had met in his local while his parents were on holiday. …" - says Catchag

Claims to Fame (824 stories) - "The Bill Until recently and for my sins I used to watch the Bill on ITV with my wife every week. In 2003 they introduced this a new WPC into the seri…" - says Catchag

Little things that turn you on (630 stories) - "Weird turn ons... Shoulder blades and spines. I don't know why, I'm not a butcher, or a closet serial killer, but if I see a young laydee with an o…" - says Geej

Look! It's me in the Local Paper (262 stories) - "I suppose this should go in really! :o)" - says The Boy T

Scars with history (528 stories) - "Wanking Nightmare. I posted this months ago... I now re-post with more scar detail. I never realised that the 'cock rings' that I regularly saw in …" - says Humpty Dumpty was Pushed

Singing the wrong words (662 stories) - "Clarkie's Gay Beatles Songs My mate Clarkie has devoted many childishly wonderful hours to altering the titles of Beatles songs so that they're, well,…" - says BobbyParadise

Job Interviews (312 stories) - "Hemipenis! Twas applying for a desk job once, and the interviewer was a good sort, nice sense of humour. Interviewer: What animal would you like to…" - says DarkLite

Black Sheep (161 stories) - "black sheep It should really be my sister since it came out last year that she had starred in some amateur hardcore videos.. However, it turns out …" - says Aleister Crowleys Badger

Pure Ignorance (1042 stories) - "Chat up lines My flatmate's bosses son came to stay with us in Bermondsey, South London - he was an 18 year old from Los Angeles. He was unbelievably …" - says browser

My Christmas Nightmare (127 stories) - "True but tasteless paramedic humor... Was near the end of a ten-hour shift last Christmas Day and was all ready to head home to unwrap pressies with t…" - says emadex

Office Christmas Parties (240 stories) - "Humbug I use to write porn for a 24 hour text message service. I'm a man, but I'd pretend very convincingly to be a woman as I replied to men paying p…" - says pb4ugo2bed

Childhood bad taste (386 stories) - "LEGO: Rantus Maximus. The bastards... Everywhere I go I see lego sets with "special shapes" and Specificly shaped parts.... model "technic lego" cars …" - says Humpty Dumpty was Pushed

Lost... (297 stories) - "Doh... I once found a £20 quid note on the floor of a bar next to my feet...in my glee i treated everyone to a round of lovely cocktails. Only when …" - says Smartie

Near Death Experiences (353 stories) - "Grenade! My mate Jez went to Spain on his holidays. Instead of bringing back a fluffy donkey in a sombrero, he brought back a Civil War surplus German…" - says Scaryduck

Premonitions (316 stories) - "My good how odd Well i had this dream where I was typing on my keyboard for this amusing forum and my house blew up and then I fo" - says stefd

You're a moviestar baby (406 stories) - "gay, but not in a happy way. Last week, those two gay Scottish interior designers were filming in the house across the road from my flat. They were fi…" - says Jeeves

Obscure Memorabilia (422 stories) - "You know you're getting old when you're too slow to post your reply to the latest question of the week" - says born sleepy

Evidence that you're getting old (625 stories) - "/unlurks 1. 6:00 am is when you get up, not when you go to sleep. 2. Having sex in a single bed is absurd. 3. You keep more food than beer in th…" - says Grey Triggerfish

My Worst Date (270 stories) - "Argh, the memories!! =( I remember in my first year of college, I got my first proper boyfriend. On the start of the second week I was brought to meet…" - says owain2002

Out of my depth (235 stories) - "More Military Humiliation To "boost" morale for the troops stationed in the middle of the desert with a ratio of 6,000 men to 1 woman, the Commanding …" - says Igneous

Things you've done when you've had no money. (225 stories) - "It's a good thing none of you know who I am No money? A girl? (Or not so finicky boy?) Simple! Blow jobs. They're fast, easy, no mess if you dodge …" - says TDub

Strange things you've been paid to do (248 stories) - "rats! ooh and my animal loving flatmate was most excited to be given the job of looking after the university rats at kcl. she came home in tears t…" - says rachelswipe

Shoddy Presents (333 stories) - "Sent, not received My family lived in France for 4 years before returning to Scotland, so we would keep in touch with our french friends through the o…" - says Flurble

Local Nutters (567 stories) - "The Cowboy I went to uni at Wolverhampton, and there was a bloke who wandered around in a full cowboy outfit (big hat, leather chaps, waistcoat, guns,…" - says Zak McFlimby

World's Sickest Joke (2372 stories) - "I offended someone with this: I was in a pub and told the following joke: What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath? Throw your cloth…" - says <>Dog

Embarrassing Injuries (442 stories) - "Arse Rip I was a first year university student at Derby university, England, when this happened. Me and three mates were enjoying a bright sunny afte…" - says bobba

People with Stupid Names (819 stories) - "I once met a guy whose name sounded very much like a rather rude part of the human body, but I can't for the life of me remember what it was. Rest ass…" - says TV's Nosemonkey

My Worst Vomit (497 stories) - "Nobody vomits like a kid vomits..... About five years ago, our eldest daughter - who was about two at the time - came toddling into the living room lo…" - says Desolation Angel

World's Most Hated Food (674 stories) - "I live in Sweden..... ... and it pains me to tell you this, but I have eaten "SurStrömming". Sprouts are like cadbury's chocolate... and Smoked Eel …" - says Humpty Dumpty was Pushed

Have you ever been dumped in a spectacular way? (211 stories) - "since you ask.. To quote my hopefully soon to be ex-wife, "It's not so much I've been sleeping with another man, more sort of....men...oh and you need…" - says mooglemania

Stuff You've Overheard (359 stories) - "Some More Bus Fun... It was two years ago on the 'park and ride' bus coming back from college in the evening. I had wisely decided to sit at the back,…" - says damndirtyape

My Wanking Disasters (334 stories) - "Working in Tesco's a few years back, there was a particularly 'special' trolley boy named Sean. He was 34 and had been working as trolley boy for abou…" - says moonjam

Mini Cabs From Hell (166 stories) - "Small blue tablets and a red Ferrari: Where the hell was I? Somewhere in the north I think. OK, imagine the cabbie is a northerner: Cabbie: "Do …" - says Your Mum

Your Greatest Dilemmas (107 stories) - "Dear Tania, I think my friend Rob is on crack. He's asked b3tans to write questions to you and *not* take the piss. What signs should I look for, and …" - says SpunkyBackpack

Your Revenge Stories (241 stories) - ". A few years ago my girlfriend dumped me via the phone. I went to my room and cried and cried like a little girl. That showed her." - says moonjam

Shit Stories (500 stories) - "My cat once ate a 6 foot-long piece of red and green string, which it couldn't completely crap out. There i was, sitting in my living room, and my cat…" - says cheesemaster

Best Comebacks (394 stories) - "Below the belt! A friend of mine had an argument with his Dad.He called him an "old bastard".His Dad replied with"I would have sexually abused you as …" - says chuffster

Foot in Mouth Syndrome (360 stories) - "Once on a medical work experience thing my group was being shown about autopsy procedure, Our cadaver for the day was a young lad in an orange anorak …" - says The Doctor

Have you ever been rude to a celebrity? (287 stories) - "Stephen Hawking Not all that rude, not me, but still funny. A few years ago at Oxford Uni, my housemate was given the task of looking after Stephen…" - says Biffins Bridge

Inventions You're Too Lazy To Make (213 stories) - "Nuclear Wombles Womble eggs are injected with special radioactive waste and then left in prime locations (such as Iraq, Libya or France) The Wombli…" - says ccc

Impromptu Games You Play (454 stories) - "Yes, but is it art? Got rather bored at an Art Deco exhibition my Mum took me along to at the V&A museum. Started to play 'Yes, But Is It Art?' …" - says microsaulxp

Booze Related Disasters (166 stories) - "Oh me, oh my I'm sure you all remember the North American Eastern seaboard being in a total blackout last august. well, my friend and I assumed that t…" - says Human

Old People Talk Bollocks (197 stories) - "My Grandma loudly & proudly sang... ... a full rendition of 'Ching Chong Chinaman' in a Thai restaurant once. What made it more jaw-droppingly hor…" - says microsaulxp

Have you ever started a fire? (361 stories) - "Oh, dear god. When I was a student, I was at a party coming down from something or other when I muttered "what this place needs is a bit of mindless t…" - says sp3ccylad

Pet Names (380 stories) - "Hitler, Wiggy, and LazyPigBoy were the names of my 3 mutant Harvest Mice. They were sisters, and each had only one eye (rejects from a zoo-based bree…" - says Station

Slang Survey (692 stories) - "In the north we have the term "pikeys Wedding" to describe a not inconsiderable fight." - says Higgy

Irrational Fears (571 stories) - "Firey nuclear destruction, as it happens I grew up in the 70s and 80s, living in fear of the four minute warning, literally a few miles from the UK’…" - says Scaryduck

Lies Your Parents Told You (706 stories) - "Speaking as a parent myself, and therefore lying through my teeth... My seven year old son pointed to the condom machine in the pub toilets and asked …" - says Scaryduck

Breakin' The Law (230 stories) - "If you ever get the chance, do this: Myself and two mates were pulled over in car by local five O... nothing on us but we were a bit pissed off cos it…" - says No6

Clients Are Stupid (318 stories) - "Parents are stupid First post...blah blah blah Last year my parents finally took the plunge and bought a computer to get on this t'internet that ev…" - says R. Jimlad

Dad Jokes (432 stories) - "whenever I annoy him he dances about, pointing at me and singing "I shagged your mum, I shagged your mum"." - says Zak McFlimby

Worst Record Ever (391 stories) - "Definately DJ Otzi "Hey Baby" mostly because I live in Newcastle next to the "party centre" that is the infamous Bigg Market, drunken idiots walk past…" - says fassit