b3ta.com board

Home » Messageboard » XXX » Message 9725111 (Thread)

B3ta Interview with Eoin Colfer - your questions please

Eoin Colfer - best known for the Artemis Fowl series of books has a new project: he's writing a sequel to Douglas Adams's Hitchhikers books.

Controversial stuff. He's agreed to answer your questions. Even awkward ones.

So feel free to ask him whatever you like.

UPDATE: 07 Oct 2009 - 1pm - no more questions please. The thread is going over to Eoin now - hope he's not offended by the rather alarming questions.

(

rob, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 11:55, archived)

Boxers or briefs?

/ac

(

Dixipoos Bye Bye Blackbird, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 11:55, archived)

If you could rotate anything, what would you rotate?

(

Ttssattsr, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 11:56, archived)

Supplementary

Clockwise or anticlockwise?

(

thirdman Ia! Ia! R'lyeh Cthulhu ftagn! Ia! Ia! Mglui nafl, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:15, archived)

Any which way.

(

Ttssattsr, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:17, archived)

Even loose?

(

thirdman Ia! Ia! R'lyeh Cthulhu ftagn! Ia! Ia! Mglui nafl, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:50, archived)

Weather. Discuss.

(

Ttssattsr, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 11:57, archived)

Is purple rubbish or just pretty bad?

(

Ttssattsr, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 11:57, archived)

If he were a cake

Would he be battenberg, carrot cake, or goatse cake.

(

Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 11:58, archived)

If you had to have a giant insect as a pet, which one would you chose?

(

Ttssattsr, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 11:58, archived)

Who the hell do you think you are?

(

nick the greek, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 11:58, archived)

Are you going to try an imitate the great Douglas Adams, or are you going to make it your own book?

Are you working from any of his notes that he may have left behind?
If your sequel proves to be any kind of success, are you likely to write more?

(

theoriginalsteve <this space intentionally left blank>, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 11:58, archived)

What's the deal with airline peanuts?

(

Dixipoos Bye Bye Blackbird, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 11:58, archived)

^ this.

Nearly died after eating them on Cathay. Was so dehydrated within ten seconds that I was trying to get to the ice between the window panes for the water...

(

Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:33, archived)

Books are papery and sharp. That's pretty cool, don't you think?

(

Ttssattsr, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 11:58, archived)

I can't find my favourite trousers.

Do you know where they are?

(

4Q just lurking, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 11:58, archived)

They're on your head, silly.

(

2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 13:05, archived)

Can you backflip?

(

Ttssattsr, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 11:59, archived)

getting a load of nerds and geeks on the internet to put questions to the author of a proposed sequel to a revered series of books by nerd and geek God Douglas Adams

that can only end well

(

The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 11:59, archived)

That's not even a question?

(

Barbarossa is not my real name, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:00, archived)

Can you rephrase that as a question?

(

nick the greek, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:00, archived)

Daddy or Chips?

(

The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:01, archived)

Watching or playing?

(

Barbarossa is not my real name, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:02, archived)

Whats the dictionary definition of a cluster fuck?

(

Joe Scaramanga with a G-double-O-D vibration, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:04, archived)

When you have 10,000 knives and all you need is a spoon

(

Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:11, archived)

Eating jelly with a knife is all of the awesomeness

Did you give me the flu on saturday?

(

Joe Scaramanga with a G-double-O-D vibration, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:12, archived)

No, I've not had the lurgy

(

Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:13, archived)

well some bastard gave it to me...

'll find em I tells ya

(

Joe Scaramanga with a G-double-O-D vibration, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:15, archived)

Well, at least it guarantees your attendance at a future bash

(

Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:16, archived)

I actually feel worswe than I did yesterday

which takes some doing

(

Joe Scaramanga with a G-double-O-D vibration, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:17, archived)

I suppose proper flu is worse than a hangover

(

Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:19, archived)

What if... that thing I just said

(

The Coast Of Yemen, Tue 6 Oct 2009, 10:15, archived)

To be honest, maybe it will end well.

(

gronkpan https://twitter.com/VomitingLarry, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:26, archived)

you're right. I'm pleasantly surprised :)

(

The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:34, archived)

Are you afraid of assassination attempts?

(

Dixipoos Bye Bye Blackbird, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 11:59, archived)

I haven't read any of your stuff

Why should I? Please reply without using the letter L

(Mrs Trellis GIN, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:00, archived)

Which finger is your favourite?

(

Ttssattsr, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:00, archived)

Can you give me a job?

(King Baby Duck more than a ceiling, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:00, archived)

Have you ever picked your nose and eaten the findings?

(

Dixipoos Bye Bye Blackbird, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:00, archived)

Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?

(

Dixipoos Bye Bye Blackbird, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:00, archived)

how many copies of your book will you survive being hit by when all the hardcore DA fans try to "Book" you to death?

(

theoriginalsteve <this space intentionally left blank>, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:01, archived)

Sometimes I use books to make stairs for my cat. Is this normal?

(

Ttssattsr, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:01, archived)

Did you ever wish you'd wrote derivate shite and sold loads of books like Dan Brown?

(

Barbarossa is not my real name, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:01, archived)

If you couldn't use paper to print your books on anymore, what would you use instead?

(

Ttssattsr, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:02, archived)

JK Rowling - Marry, fuck or strangle?

(

Barbarossa is not my real name, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:02, archived)

Or all three simultaneously?

(Mrs Trellis GIN, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:11, archived)

I know many liberal vicars but I don't know any who would allow that!

(

Barbarossa is not my real name, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:13, archived)

I know one who'd film it

(Mrs Trellis GIN, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:16, archived)

Train A, traveling 70 miles per hour (mph), leaves Westford heading toward Eastford, 260 miles away. At the same time Train B, traveling 60 mph, leaves Eastford heading toward Westford. When do the two trains meet? How far from each city do they meet?

(

Victor Meldrew, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:02, archived)

2 hours

140 miles from westford and 120 miles from eastford.

Assuming constant speed and no stops for either.

(

Barbarossa is not my real name, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:04, archived)

what colour are the driver's socks?

(

mr ginglymus has something in his pance, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:05, archived)

They crash.

Oh, the humanity.

(

the RAND corporation a.k.a. Kevin Saxe-Coburg-Gotha, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:17, archived)

A: Imhotep is invisible

(

Hampster Squared has stuff at www.tilla.co.uk, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:36, archived)

7 hours

Thanks to Engineering works just outside of Wigan.

(

Tribs 🦇 ↓ dn ʎɐʍ sᴉɥʇ ↓🦇, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 13:43, archived)

African or Eurasian trains?

And are any carrying coconuts?

(

Lord Keeps meaning to procrastinate., Thu 8 Oct 2009, 19:41, archived)

what will be written about you in a) the encyclopedia galactica, and b)THHGTTG?

(

theoriginalsteve <this space intentionally left blank>, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:03, archived)

Is Blu-Tac actually sticky? It doesn't feel sticky. What's up with that?

(

Ttssattsr, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:03, archived)

We may never know!

(

Dr Scunner She’s a he, technically, but she’s scalding hot, Wed 7 Oct 2009, 18:41, archived)

Will it be chips or jacket spuds?

(

Dixipoos Bye Bye Blackbird, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:04, archived)

Will it be salad or frozen peas?

(

Dixipoos Bye Bye Blackbird, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:04, archived)

Will it be mushrooms? Fried Onions Rings?

(

Dixipoos Bye Bye Blackbird, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:04, archived)

You'll have to wait and see

(

Joe Scaramanga with a G-double-O-D vibration, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:05, archived)

I hope it's chips, it's chips

(

4Q just lurking, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:06, archived)

We ALL hope it's chips, it's chips.

(

Dixipoos Bye Bye Blackbird, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:06, archived)

I could devour some chips right now.

(

Ttssattsr, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:08, archived)

We're going

to Wemberley.

(

the RAND corporation a.k.a. Kevin Saxe-Coburg-Gotha, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:18, archived)

You'll have to wait and see

(

The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:05, archived)

If you could ask gronkpan and infinite number of questions, what would they be?

/ac

(

theoriginalsteve <this space intentionally left blank>, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:04, archived)

Gronkpan is pretty awesome, huh?

(

Ttssattsr, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:05, archived)

I just want to compare the answer to the one in the last interview

(

theoriginalsteve <this space intentionally left blank>, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:07, archived)

The last interview?

(

Ttssattsr, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:08, archived)

over here:

www.b3ta.com/interview/cyanideandhappiness/

(

theoriginalsteve <this space intentionally left blank>, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:13, archived)

Yeah.

yeah.

(

gronkpan https://twitter.com/VomitingLarry, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 13:16, archived)

Doesn't he present that show about taking fat birds shopping?

(TheManofScience, Tue 6 Oct 2009, 9:39, archived)

You think Rob will ignore all these frankly superb questions and opt to ask boring ones in their place?

(

Ttssattsr, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:04, archived)

nah - he's getting the lot

whether Eoin answers them is up to him of course.

(

rob, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:08, archived)

I could jump hug you right now. A manly jump hug. HOUGGRH.

(

Ttssattsr, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:10, archived)

hahahah! ok, I'm adding this to the pile then:

are you regretting agreeing to this interview, yet?

(

theoriginalsteve <this space intentionally left blank>, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:18, archived)

What have you been doing since X Factor?

(

@><|= w0nu!) or cunt to my friends, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:05, archived)

(

HappyToast Groat froth, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:54, archived)

Hahahaha

(

2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Tue 6 Oct 2009, 17:50, archived)

Are you really going to write this sequel, or do you have an infinite number of monkeys locked away somewhere and are just waiting for them to come up with the goods?

(

Barbarossa is not my real name, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:05, archived)

What's the plural of daddy long legs?

(

mr ginglymus has something in his pance, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:06, archived)

STOP EVERYTHING

this needs addressing immediately

(

Griffin Saver Something, something, 2006, something., Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:11, archived)

Ummmm

I think it's the same, like sheep and fish

(

Barbarossa is not my real name, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:12, archived)

I like sheep and fish but

I don't like daddy long legses

(

edjogs Collared doves are shit., Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:43, archived)

oh they're superb fried

(

Barbarossa is not my real name, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:46, archived)

It's

"Daddy long Li", from the latin.

(

TheSundaeLunch I'm a fucking shrub, alright?, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:21, archived)

Isn't it

"more of those bastard fucking things" ?

(

fastcar, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:34, archived)

Daddy Long Lice

we worked it out lower down the thread.

(

2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 13:45, archived)

Craneflies

(Astatine, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 19:55, archived)

I think you'll find it's...

Daddies-Long-Legs.

It should follow the same principle as any plural compound noun, like sons-in-law!

(

JebediahSpringfield, Wed 7 Oct 2009, 14:53, archived)

who would win in a fight, you or JK Rowling?

(

theoriginalsteve <this space intentionally left blank>, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:06, archived)

When exactly

did you run out of your own ideas?

(

4Q just lurking, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:07, archived)

*pffft*

(

Barbarossa is not my real name, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:07, archived)

pffft

(

Dixipoos Bye Bye Blackbird, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:08, archived)

well done man. :)

(k3b/-\b Peace man., Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:21, archived)

Don't you want me, baby?

Don't you want me? ohhhhhohhhohhohhhh.

(

Dixipoos Bye Bye Blackbird, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:08, archived)

Are you planning a sequel to Procol Harum too?

(

@><|= w0nu!) or cunt to my friends, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:08, archived)

Are you going to put pictures of Zooey Deschanel's tits in the middle

to entice fans of the shit film to read your book?

Also:

Will your book be more or less shit than the shit film?

(

Noit happy baby orangutan, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:09, archived)

Why does everyone hate the film?

It's a different version, just as the Tv series is different to the book, and the book is different to the radio series.

Different

(

Joe Scaramanga with a G-double-O-D vibration, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:10, archived)

yeah, they're all different, it's just that the film was crap.

:D

yo Joe!

(

theoriginalsteve <this space intentionally left blank>, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:15, archived)

I liked the film

I think.
Umm, are we talking about the same film?

(

Barbarossa is not my real name, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:17, archived)

I liked it to

it had great stuff in it and some not so great.

But it;s hit ratio was far higher than most hollywood 'product' these days

(

Joe Scaramanga with a G-double-O-D vibration, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:18, archived)

watcha steve

*sneeze*

sorry

(

Joe Scaramanga with a G-double-O-D vibration, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:19, archived)

why tits? when you have this...

(

PedroHin Come along & ride on a Flantastic Voyage, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:40, archived)

That's amazing.

(

Crystal Magnet Like a diamond geezer, but better, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 13:30, archived)

Who's your least favourite paranoid Android?

(

bilbobarneybobs I'll be 14 in b3ta years soon., Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:09, archived)

Shed or Home Office for writing?

(

unclewilco, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:09, archived)

I have to admire your balls, do you mind?

(

Joe Scaramanga with a G-double-O-D vibration, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:09, archived)

Holy shit, that made me laugh my arse off

I'd say something about keyboards and coffee if it wasn't so lame and nerdy.

(

flatfrog Staring vacantly into space, Tue 6 Oct 2009, 9:41, archived)

If Hitchhikers Guide was remade as a film (again)

who would you cast a Ford Prefect?

(

bilbobarneybobs I'll be 14 in b3ta years soon., Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:09, archived)

(

Dixipoos Bye Bye Blackbird, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:14, archived)

Pfffft

(

mediocre ha ha ha, you're reading this, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:58, archived)

James Corden

and that Horne fellow as Dent.

edit: ok, I typed this as a joke, but I now feel quite sick even thinking about it.

(

theoriginalsteve <this space intentionally left blank>, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:20, archived)

my face just fell off because of you >:(

my muscles tried to make the biggest sadface ever and failed

(

weaver., Mon 5 Oct 2009, 13:02, archived)

I don't mind Corden

Wouldn't like him as Ford but I don't mind him. Horne is useless though, alright in Gavin and Stacey but outside of that it's obvious he's just fairly useless. Corden has at least had some moments outside Gaving and Stacey I've thought "hey, you're amusing."

(Bretty, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 13:59, archived)

you bastard

(

2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 14:13, archived)

Simon Pegg!

(Fidoh, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:55, archived)

^this!

(

Beastie is doing science with his arse, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 13:14, archived)

Why do you feel the need to do a sequel to one of the best loved series of books in the geek community?

They stand quite well on their own.

(Himjim died a little more inside on, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:10, archived)

That's not true

mine always keep falling over

(

Barbarossa is not my real name, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:11, archived)

I'll fashion you some bookends

out of tears and injustice.

(Himjim died a little more inside on, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:13, archived)

why do you hate me?

(

Griffin Saver Something, something, 2006, something., Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:10, archived)

As space is so extremly large

what happened to the box it initially came packaged in?

(

Tyronne Get To Falkirk, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:11, archived)

My new fridge came in it

(

Joe Scaramanga with a G-double-O-D vibration, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:11, archived)

If you were a robot who would you be?

(King Baby Duck more than a ceiling, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:11, archived)

that one's easy

I'd be Frank

(

bilbobarneybobs I'll be 14 in b3ta years soon., Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:12, archived)

I'm Harriet Harman, you know where to 'get' me.

(

the RAND corporation a.k.a. Kevin Saxe-Coburg-Gotha, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:11, archived)

hahahaha

*runs*

(

Joe Scaramanga with a G-double-O-D vibration, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:13, archived)

Like Lembit Opik, your name screams "anagram of something"

Would you have ever been published as "Coon Relief"?

I suppose what I'm getting at is the use of anagrams for character names - would you stoop this low, or is this something just for the Dan Brown school of suspense?

(

chthonic, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:13, archived)

Whoah,

Mind piss! hehe

(

Zak McFlimby Twibbling @McFlimby, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 14:25, archived)

Hee hee

(

chthonic, Tue 6 Oct 2009, 13:12, archived)

Can I write the book instead? I've never written before but I am seven and a quarter years old and i wroted a story about a plane once it went EHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEH and shotted the iffel tower but it was all a dream

(

Shada, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:13, archived)

You're in jail, do you become:

A) Part of the Neo Nazi set
B) A wanna-be gangster rapper
C) Part of the Qur'an kings
D) Ooooh, so suacy

(

@><|= w0nu!) or cunt to my friends, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:13, archived)

I need more vowels, can I borrow some from your first name?

(Mrs Trellis GIN, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:14, archived)

What have you been doing since the X factor last year?

(

Joe Scaramanga with a G-double-O-D vibration, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:14, archived)

*coughs*

b3ta.com/board/9725153

(

@><|= w0nu!) or cunt to my friends, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:16, archived)

Like I said...

bollox

(

Joe Scaramanga with a G-double-O-D vibration, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:19, archived)

Is that a paranoid android in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?

(Mrs Trellis GIN, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:16, archived)

What other sequels have you considered?

How about a new Mona Lisa?
Or Pet Sounds 2: The Cluckening?

(

Joe Scaramanga with a G-double-O-D vibration, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:17, archived)

did you know an anagram of your name

is fierce loon
edit*chthonic,mindpiss*

(

claptonista ,the idiot boy.........., Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:17, archived)

Will you get it finished by Friday?

(cymro, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:17, archived)

Question:

In the infinate nature of mercurial suffering endured by the constant malignant cursing of dichometic proposals, viz; the chicken and the egg, do you consider there to be parts of the mind in which we should not tread, or to do so, only with a humourous backbone? If the affermative, is this the latent fear of a greater being, or a source of spiritual power, magical power, what you will - but essentially a greater force? If not, are the archaic searches one might imagine to discover, whether by wit or wisdom, to propogate therories (however frivolous) for the sense, nay, meaning of excistance, merely corroborating long-standing views of the greater being, even if you yourself deny such a thing? Alternatively, is a dimensional thing, do you think? If all that's a bit too much - what's your favourite colour.

(

ilovemy5dollarhorse All things considered, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:18, archived)

Can you babysit for me on Friday nights please?

You'd be exempt from the 'no childminding for rewards' malarky as it would be from 7pm till 10pm. Thank you.

(Mrs Trellis GIN, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:19, archived)

Who the fuck do you think you are, Eoin Colfer?

(

gronkpan https://twitter.com/VomitingLarry, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:19, archived)

If f(x) = x^2 + 2, find the sum and difference of the roots (solutions) for the equation: f(f(x) + 3 f(x) = xf(x) + f(x)

edit: Quiet at the back, k3b/-\b

(

Dixipoos Bye Bye Blackbird, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:19, archived)

I'm still looking for the trick to do it...

ed: you missed a bracket...

(k3b/-\b Peace man., Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:27, archived)

Have you solved it yet?

(

Barbarossa is not my real name, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:51, archived)

nup :( got the sum of roots, can't figure out the easy way to the difference.

ed: just cheated. it goes complex, which was giving me such a pain in the arse. ed, ed: i'm a dope...the difference in roots will change if the difference is taken in a different order :(

assuming obviously I have the bracket in the right spot...ed again: no the question is probably crap.

(k3b/-\b Peace man., Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:55, archived)

So what's the answer, brainiac?

(

Barbarossa is not my real name, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 13:49, archived)

42!

yay

(Canazza is mostly listening to Yes, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 13:54, archived)

I can get a sum of the four roots and the differences between the conjugate pairs of roots.

Sum = 0.0625
Difference of pair 1 (-0.110348 ± 1.4099i) = 2.8198i
Pair 2 (0.141598 ± 1.40711i) = 2.81422i

I suspect I've taken this a little too seriously.

(

deathsquirrel Oh dear., Mon 5 Oct 2009, 16:40, archived)

Mostly Harmless was shit enough, why won't you let it rest?

(k3b/-\b Peace man., Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:19, archived)

in one of the hitchhikers books...

Arthur Dent is at a bus station at a table when the man opposite starts eating Arthur's kit kat. Arthur defiantly begins to eat the kit kat himself in a silent war with the man before finding his own kit kat under his paper. It was the other mans kit kat all along.

My question is this.

How many people have told you this story as if it happened to them. I have had 3 people tell me this happened to them.

(

yanmania... last shagged your mum on, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:20, archived)

It's a small packet of digestives isn't it?

(

nick the greek, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:25, archived)

You are indeed correct

it's biscuits - I seem to remembers Douglas saying in a interview that this happened to him

(

fastcar, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:32, archived)

But, but, but

Bill Bryson said it happened to him in "Notes from a Small Island"!

(

Quijibo Esq. BSc. May contain traces of nuts, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 13:14, archived)

It was biscuits.

If they say kit-kat then maybe there's a kit-kat thief operating in your area.

(

Professor Fnord Regius Professor of B3ta Chronology, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:30, archived)

I was told this as an anecdote in chapel by some stupid woman trying to make us believe in Jesus.

Further contributing to my lack of trust in christians.

(

2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:44, archived)

yeah, but wasn't she eating fish...

... and then she realised that it wasn't from the son of God but that she was stealing a tramp's Filliet-O-Fish

(

@><|= w0nu!) or cunt to my friends, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 18:23, archived)

You know...

I never got that they were the other man's biscuits all along. I did read it when I was 12 so I might have been a bit dense, but all along I thought it was some kind of magic trick of the stranger's.

Ooh err.

(

Andy_Control can't be held responsible for his actions., Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:47, archived)

Who are you?

Ooh wa ooh wa ooh wa ooh wa ...

(

the RAND corporation a.k.a. Kevin Saxe-Coburg-Gotha, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:21, archived)

Given that god is infinite and that the universe is also infinite, would you like a toasted teacake?

(Mrs Trellis GIN, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:22, archived)

If you could rate from 1-10 on a loveliness scale, 1 being not lovely and 10 being absolutely lovely

How lovely would you rate "Letting wonderful things stay wonderful"?

(

gronkpan https://twitter.com/VomitingLarry, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:23, archived)

Tell us about a time when some hitherto unknown cunt came in and tried to hijack your childhood memories.

(

gronkpan https://twitter.com/VomitingLarry, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:24, archived)

Yeah!

you bastid

(

4Q just lurking, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:31, archived)

I've heard the phrase/name 'Artemis Fowl' but know nothing about it. Is it anything like Will Quack Quack?

Anyway. Are you going off deeper into the HHGTTG universe to explore the many strands Douglas left open or will you have familiar characters hanging around and interacting like people would expect them to?

I hope more for the first. Like the novel of 'The Starship Titanic' Douglas took a loose strand and expanded it into a computer game and Terry Jones did the novel so DNA could get on with writing/creating the game and it's wonderful dialogue but it was still imbued in the HHGTTG universe.

(

Professor Fnord Regius Professor of B3ta Chronology, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:24, archived)

i very much

enjoyed starship titanic, more of this sort of thing

(

smirny ~(8(|), Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:36, archived)

Yeah

Starship Titanic was great.

Hmm... Idea!

(Orkran Mild Euphoria Ensues, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 22:46, archived)

Are you going to slag off digital watches like Douglas did? I hope not, they're great.

(Peter_G, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:25, archived)

I imagine it will be the same book but he talks about the youtube instead

(

gronkpan https://twitter.com/VomitingLarry, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:31, archived)

What number

am I thinking of. Right now.

(

Funkenschlag still likes dogs more than cats, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:25, archived)

Do you like Vogon poetry?

Can you quote any of it?

(

CanonCaliber A big bore, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:25, archived)

I think it counterpoints the underlying surrealism of the metaphor.

(

nick the greek, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:27, archived)

Thy micturations are to me

as plurdled gabblebotchits on a lurgid bee

(

CanonCaliber A big bore, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:41, archived)

Nooooooooooooooooooo

"Counterpoints the surrealism of the underlying metaphor"

Honestly...something about HHGTTG turns me into a complete pedant

(

Hampster Squared has stuff at www.tilla.co.uk, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:44, archived)

Dear Eoin Colfer

could you ask rob when the Vote for a Change challenge finishes?

ta, and good luck with the book

(

The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:26, archived)

Didn't it end when it began, courtesy of HappyToast?

(

@><|= w0nu!) or cunt to my friends, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:34, archived)

They're gonna keep it going until the January sales so they can get the macbook cheaper.

(

2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 14:03, archived)

What's Butler's favourite type of women? Or is he gay?

(Maccy Divided by 0 on, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:32, archived)

Your sequel will probably end up made into a film...

What measures will you take to ensure the cast of the 2005 movie are excluded from the sequel (Stephen Fry, John Malkovich and Bill Bailey excluded)?

(

busy phil is still bloody busy, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:32, archived)

Do you think I should go for copper lamé or green velvet curtains in the dining room?

(

gingerfreak Why? Why not., Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:34, archived)

Who put the bump in the bump-a-lump-a-lump?

Who put the ram in the ramalamadingdong?

(

Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:34, archived)

Wanna disco?

Wanna see me disco?

(Pie of Meat ___°¬¯O¯____\o/_____/\_,____Y¯¯Y, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:53, archived)

If you had to choose between one of these options, would you say:

1. You had to see many suitcases of money before you thought this book would be a good idea

2. You were thinking about future suitcases of money

(

gronkpan https://twitter.com/VomitingLarry, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:35, archived)

Jim finds himself in the central plaza of a small South American town. Tied up against the wall is a group of twenty people – most terrified, a few defiant – in front of several armed men in uniform. The man who appears to be in charge sees Jim, and, establishing that he is in the town purely because of his membership of a party of botanists and not some interfering do-gooder, explains that the detainees are a random group of the local aboriginal tribe who, after recent acts of protest against the government, are about to be shot to remind the rest of the tribe of the advantages of not protesting. However, since Jim in an honoured visitor from abroad, the captain is happy to offer him the privilege of shooting one of the detainees himself. If Jim accepts, then as a special mark of the occasion, the other detainees will be set free. If Jim refuses, there is no special occasion, and all will be killed. Jim quickly establishes that schoolboy fantasies of grabbing the gun and heroically setting free the captives are not an option. Moreover, the detainees understand the offer, and are obviously begging him to accept.

What should he do?

(

Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:37, archived)

Ummmm, is he allowed to just kneecap one of them?

The oldest, maybe?

(

Barbarossa is not my real name, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:45, archived)

I asked what he should do.

Not whom he should do.

Gerontophile.

(

Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:51, archived)

W, LOOK, EXAMINE ROCK, GET ROCK, E, E, E, E, S, THROW ROCK

(

Professor Fnord Regius Professor of B3ta Chronology, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:56, archived)

PICK UP HERRING SANDWICH

(

2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:57, archived)

(

Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 13:00, archived)

Will hardcore fans of HHGTTG come round to enjoying your book, or will you always be the bastard who's pissing on DNA's grave?

(

Peregr1n @peregr1n, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:38, archived)

Most replies EVAR

(

Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:38, archived)

What does the HHG have to say about Peter Mandelson?

(

The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:40, archived)

Evil.

Possibly without the fullstop.

(

Quijibo Esq. BSc. May contain traces of nuts, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 13:20, archived)

Dogs or cats?

Tea or coffee?

In a fight between a dog and a cup of coffee, which'd win?

(

Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:42, archived)

There's only one way to find out...

(

The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:43, archived)

Ever been in a Turkish prison?

(

mediocre ha ha ha, you're reading this, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:43, archived)

hahaha

*knows where this is going*

(

The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:44, archived)

Surprise sex or rape?

(

charlie brown doesn't have a dog but still enjoys shitbagging, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:44, archived)

What do you think about Chris Evans replacing Terry Wogan on the Radio 2 Breakfast show?

(

The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:44, archived)

And is Simon Mayo the right man for the drivetime slot? And who'll get his 5live show? Richard Bacon? Then who'll do the late night show?

Talk about the rotation of BBC radio presenters for a bit.

(

zoldergoose, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:52, archived)

Simon Mayo on Drivetime - no thanks

/Chris has made it his own, and I enjoy listening to it.
Would rather have seen Radcliffe & Maconie get the drivetime gig.

(

The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:54, archived)

I think I'd rather Mayo had moved to Wogan's slot.

I'm glad he's still doing the friday afternoon films show with Mark Kermode though.

(

zoldergoose, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:56, archived)

It's funny because all these people did the same jobs on radio one 15 years ago...

(

Barbarossa is not my real name, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:58, archived)

Radcliffe & Maconie FTW

Or alternatively, give Absolute Radio an FM licence so I can listen to the Geoff Show.

(

sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 6 Oct 2009, 13:05, archived)

Is it just me

or is Nicky Campbell really creepy?

(Lo Pan is in big trouble, Tue 6 Oct 2009, 12:50, archived)

Have you ever put one of Douglas Adams' books between your bumcheeks and farted?

(

Dixipoos Bye Bye Blackbird, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:45, archived)

And if so

did you get the angle of the pages right and make a high-pitched squeaking noise?

(

MisterPunch did it that way on, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 14:28, archived)

Eoin. You're hoping to make us all laugh with your new book in the Hitchhiker series,

but what makes YOU laugh?

(

The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:45, archived)

Has anyone already asked you this question?

If so, what was your response?

(

2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:47, archived)

PC or Mac?

(

The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:48, archived)

When you get to the bottom, where do you go?

a. Home for a nice relaxing poo
2. Moo moo land via Tescos
III. Back to the top of the slide

(

charlie brown doesn't have a dog but still enjoys shitbagging, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:48, archived)

Bum chocolate or Cadbury's Shit?

(

gingerfreak Why? Why not., Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:49, archived)

Have you considered basing the next book on mishaps and random encounters from the Infocom HHGTTG game?

It has hours and hours of mid-period DNA poured into its many possible outcomes and is entirely hilarious, a good guide to the man when faced with endless possibilities and the unforgiving vacuum of an early text-based universe

(

Hampster Squared has stuff at www.tilla.co.uk, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:49, archived)

Eoin

You're writing a sequel to the Hitchhikers books, but have YOU ever hitchhiked, or picked up a hitchhiker?

(

Barbarossa is not my real name, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:49, archived)

Do this one!

(

Extinct Jesus Dossier "...I think it counteracts Hitler's magic...", Thu 8 Oct 2009, 4:13, archived)

dog on dog, cat on cat, or dog on cat action?

(

firstinch returns after about 10yrs, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:51, archived)

Hello.

Given that the best you can hope to achieve with this project is a passable imitation of someone who made some jokes that were popular in 1978, what are you doing to make yourself feel good about this?

(

mofaha ┐( ˘_˘)┌ ʅ(́◡◝)ʃ, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:51, archived)

Besides looking at the cheque.

(

zoldergoose, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:53, archived)

Haha

let's be absolutely clear about this, I don't care at all, I'm just being obnoxious for the sake of it.

(

mofaha ┐( ˘_˘)┌ ʅ(́◡◝)ʃ, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:57, archived)

I don't know about you, but I always think the main objective when setting b3ta interview questions is to make the interviewee regret agreeing to do it.

(

zoldergoose, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:59, archived)

And to keep them away from the internet for the rest of their lives.

(

mofaha ┐( ˘_˘)┌ ʅ(́◡◝)ʃ, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 13:00, archived)

Adams struggled with deadlines, and his style really wasn't suited to sustained pieces of writing.

Will you end up locked in a hotel room by your publisher until you come up with horribly strained chapters too?

(

Curis, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:51, archived)

I read the intro you wrote for the kids edition of hitchhikers where you basically say who are goodies and who are baddies

Did you really think that the book was so complicated that it needed that level of dumbing down? Do you and your publishers think that your normal target audience aren't intelligent enough to follow the book and make up their own minds?

Secondly, how do you feel about someone (maybe even someone you don't think too highly of) possibly taking the characters you've created and telling the world what "officially" happened to them next after your death? I would imagine most authors held their creations very dear, are you the same? or is publishers money just that great a thing?

(

HappyToast Groat froth, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:52, archived)

Dear Mr Colfer

HappyToast is normally a cheery fellow. How have you managed to annoy him this much? Did you have to put in much effort?

(

Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:55, archived)

I didn't think this sounded that annoyed

sorry, was genuinely wondering how he felt about the two points.
It's not the end of the world his doing this book, and it might be very good, I just find it sad the concept of the characters doing things that DA never knew about - like a parent not seeing their kids go off in to the world

(

HappyToast Groat froth, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 13:02, archived)

Don't apologise...

I think a lot of people here had been wondering something similar...

:)

(

Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 13:03, archived)

Yes.

Yes we have. Well, I have, anyway.

(

wuffle, the b3ta bunny 's flea collar isn't working on, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 14:44, archived)

Publisher's money has always been that great a thing.

Just ask Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

(

The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:57, archived)

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle is dead Archie.

His new book comes out next month.

(

mofaha ┐( ˘_˘)┌ ʅ(́◡◝)ʃ, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:58, archived)

he's DEAD?

;)

(

The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:59, archived)

Don't worry.

Death is no impediment to an author these days.

(

mofaha ┐( ˘_˘)┌ ʅ(́◡◝)ʃ, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 13:01, archived)

Henry Gibson agrees:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=Occg29DsI7k

(

The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 13:02, archived)

I hear Dan Brown is doing the new adventures of Holmes and Watson based on the Guy Richie movie

in the first one they wrestle Derren Brown on a waterfall over the channel 4 studios

(

HappyToast Groat froth, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 13:04, archived)

Needs more Cheggers.

(

mofaha ┐( ˘_˘)┌ ʅ(́◡◝)ʃ, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 13:05, archived)

Did he say the mattress was a goodie or a baddie?

(

Professor Fnord Regius Professor of B3ta Chronology, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 13:01, archived)

Nee matta no badda

(

Dixipoos Bye Bye Blackbird, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 13:07, archived)

Zem?

Zem the mattress?

*flollops*

(

Extinct Jesus Dossier "...I think it counteracts Hitler's magic...", Thu 8 Oct 2009, 4:13, archived)

Do you like Herring Sandwiches?

What would you do if you found one?

(

2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:53, archived)

I like the juxtaposition of this question and HappyToast's one.

(

zoldergoose, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:54, archived)

Does the study of mathematics tell us about the nature of reality, or simply about the way in which we're constrained to think?

(

Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:53, archived)

Look, I'm worried about Jim, I'm not sure he's going to be OK :(

(

Barbarossa is not my real name, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:57, archived)

Can you lend me a tenner?

(

Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:53, archived)

Why is this thread taking so long to load when it is mostly text?

(

2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:56, archived)

Did you pack your bags yourself?

(Mrs Trellis GIN, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:56, archived)

Your favourite screen incarnation of Sherlock Holmes?

(

The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:56, archived)

if he gets that wrong he's in trouble ;)

(

HappyToast Groat froth, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 13:08, archived)

darn right!

(

The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 13:10, archived)

Can you fly this plane and land it?

(

The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:58, archived)

Can you provide an intuitive explanation of the Banach–Tarski paradox?

(Pie of Meat ___°¬¯O¯____\o/_____/\_,____Y¯¯Y, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:58, archived)

Wraps are almost as popular as sandwiches.

Why is this, and does it show that the West really is in decline?

(

Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:59, archived)

A Hospital. What is it?

(

The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 12:59, archived)

Haha

Have you ever seen...

(

zoldergoose, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 13:00, archived)

Aren't the Dirk Gently books a better candidate for sequels?

(

Curis, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 13:01, archived)

How do you sleep at night?

I find wanking helps

(

2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 13:01, archived)

Did you have the Chicken or the Fish for Dinner?

(

The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 13:01, archived)

I reckon it ought to be possible to teach Kantian moral philosophy in about 10 minutes flat.

Do you agree, or is this crazy talk?

(

Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 13:02, archived)

If I said you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

(

Dixipoos Bye Bye Blackbird, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 13:02, archived)

Which was your favourite question?

Was it this one?

(

2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 13:03, archived)

why?

(

Shiodome has realised numbers in names aren't cool., Mon 5 Oct 2009, 13:03, archived)

If mice is the plural of mouse, and lice is the plural of louse, why isn't hice the plural of house?

(

Barbarossa is not my real name, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 13:04, archived)

Oh, do you think it's daddy long-lice?

(

2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 13:07, archived)

Arf!

(

Barbarossa is not my real name, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 13:09, archived)

Which languages do you speak? Which languages do you wish you spoke? Which languages are you glad you can't speak? Which languages make you vomit up your lungs whenever you hear even a single syllable?

(

zoldergoose, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 13:05, archived)

Nervous?

(

The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 13:07, archived)

First time?

(

mediocre ha ha ha, you're reading this, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 13:15, archived)

Given that the Artemis Fowl books are brilliantly written, charming, exciting, and thought provoking

how annoyed are you that most people seem to think that J. K. Rowling's derivative nonsense gets treated like the second coming of Enid Blyton?

(

Matazone has new icons, but is keeping this one, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 13:09, archived)

Hahaha

www.b3ta.com/board/9725136

(

Barbarossa is not my real name, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 13:12, archived)

In fairness....

Enid Blyton was pretty shit too.

(

CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 6 Oct 2009, 13:28, archived)

eh?

How can you even think you would be remotley in the same category of human mind as douglas? what makes you think your shit is wroith even one cent of douglas'? and who the fuck are you?

jesus wept.

(youareallveryveryveryunhelpful, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 13:10, archived)

What is the most important lesson to be learned from the HHGTTG series?

I have my towel, but what else?

(

Extinct Jesus Dossier "...I think it counteracts Hitler's magic...", Mon 5 Oct 2009, 13:10, archived)

(

CanonCaliber A big bore, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 15:15, archived)

SSSSHHHHH!!

>: <

(

Extinct Jesus Dossier "...I think it counteracts Hitler's magic...", Thu 8 Oct 2009, 4:14, archived)

If this were a job interview and we'd reached the end, what question would YOU ask us?

(

The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 13:11, archived)

The Artemis Fowl books have a theme of environmental awareness, as did the work of Douglas Adams,

so there are commonalities between your works, but in what ways do you think that your sequels to the Hitchhiker's novels will be unique to you?

(

Matazone has new icons, but is keeping this one, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 13:12, archived)

Does a man control electricity, or just appease it?

(

Extinct Jesus Dossier "...I think it counteracts Hitler's magic...", Mon 5 Oct 2009, 13:12, archived)

Please answer all of the above questions again but in the style of Joseph Merrick.

(

2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 13:12, archived)

If Yoda yodels about yoghurt while doing yoga with Yogi Bear, when will Obi-Wan stop wanking?

(Pie of Meat ___°¬¯O¯____\o/_____/\_,____Y¯¯Y, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 13:13, archived)

GENIUS

what an amazing question!

(youareallveryveryveryunhelpful, Wed 7 Oct 2009, 13:02, archived)

Do that!

Be doing the 'that' at NOW!

(

Extinct Jesus Dossier "...I think it counteracts Hitler's magic...", Thu 8 Oct 2009, 4:15, archived)

No one else asked so.....How much did you get paid to write the new book?

and what sort of royalties are you hoping for?

I appreciate you must be a big fan and doing the job was reward itself, blah blah blah, but really, how much?

I'm thinking of rewriting The Hobbit and wondered if I'd be rich

(

HappyToast Groat froth, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 13:13, archived)

Like the idea

Can you take out the bloody poems

(arnold sideways, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 20:01, archived)

What one change would make life more like a cartoon in your opinion?

(

Extinct Jesus Dossier "...I think it counteracts Hitler's magic...", Mon 5 Oct 2009, 13:13, archived)

Why does the newsfeed on Facebook keep going all weird?

(

Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 13:13, archived)

What's it like to release a book cashing in on other people's work?

Oh wait, that one's for Rob.

(

Curis, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 13:14, archived)

hahahaahahahaha

(

Dixipoos Bye Bye Blackbird, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 13:24, archived)

Just

how welcome IS a fart in a space-suit?

(

TheSundaeLunch I'm a fucking shrub, alright?, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 13:16, archived)

As a connosieur of the English language...do you think we should develop our own English word for 'faux pas'?

(

Extinct Jesus Dossier "...I think it counteracts Hitler's magic...", Mon 5 Oct 2009, 13:16, archived)

I use "Oopsie" myself

(Canazza is mostly listening to Yes, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 13:58, archived)

With the great success of mittens on string, should I invest in a scheme to similarly tie shoes together with rope running up the trouser leg?

and how would this work for girls in skirts?

(

HappyToast Groat froth, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 13:17, archived)

Can someone please create a random question generator to save me the time and effort?

(

2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 13:18, archived)

What 'B' is the body of water between mainland Australia and Tasmania?

(

2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 13:23, archived)

Is it Bristol?

(

Redsushi! Whoop! Whoop! Yes, that one!, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 13:36, archived)

I honestly have no idea, I was hoping he could tell me.

(

2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 13:38, archived)

It's the Billy Bass Strait.

It is a body of water that sings "Don't Worry, Be Happy" every time you walk past it....

(

Redsushi! Whoop! Whoop! Yes, that one!, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 13:41, archived)

I imagine that would get quite annoying

until someone took the batteries out.

(

2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 13:44, archived)

I'm pretty sure it's a C

(

mofaha ┐( ˘_˘)┌ ʅ(́◡◝)ʃ, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 13:41, archived)

haha

(

Dixipoos Bye Bye Blackbird, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 13:50, archived)

Hahahaha

(

2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Wed 7 Oct 2009, 0:12, archived)

You must be brave to take this on...

Did you not fancy something that would give you a little less stick, such as writing the sequel to The Koran in which Muhammad realises he's a great big homosexual?

(

Zak McFlimby Twibbling @McFlimby, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 13:34, archived)

Can you slip a wee reference to b3ta in the new book(s)?

(such as naming a quadrant of the universe b3ta-one, or a robot or something. A robot would be good. A great big robot with wanking spanners for hands).

(

Zak McFlimby Twibbling @McFlimby, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 13:35, archived)

Can there be a hideous ginger space-monster called Rob?

(

2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 13:40, archived)

Sadly this is just part of the PRE-LAUNCH PUBLICITY PRESS PANDERING

As the book is out next week. First i'd heard of it though and i'm a huge DNA fan so their marketing leaves a lot to be desired.

(

Professor Fnord Regius Professor of B3ta Chronology, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 13:41, archived)

George Alagiah could play it in the film!

(

Redsushi! Whoop! Whoop! Yes, that one!, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 13:42, archived)

Are you sick of people suggesting what to put in the book

when it's already written and printed and will be available in just a few days?

(

NobbyNobody 21 years a b3tan, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 13:40, archived)

Are you considering writing a sequel to any other classics

Such as the Koran or any Maeve Binchy books?

(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 13:45, archived)

Who? Me?

No.
But I do have re-imagining of the bible in progress. It's called OMGLOL*

*not really

(

NobbyNobody 21 years a b3tan, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 13:49, archived)

Do people in prison

celebrate halloween, if so how?

(Disco_Stu, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 13:43, archived)

Rectally

(

2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 14:40, archived)

Eoin Colfer? That's not a real name

Were you thinking of a pen-name when your cat walked on the keyboard and decided to stick to it?

Perhaps it's an anagram.

Fierce loon?

or maybe it's the vaguely racist "coon relief"?

c'mon... you can tell me.

(

Zak McFlimby Twibbling @McFlimby, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 13:44, archived)

am I a racist for laughing?!

(

@><|= w0nu!) or cunt to my friends, Tue 6 Oct 2009, 18:52, archived)

Just a

vague racist.

(

Zak McFlimby Twibbling @McFlimby, Wed 7 Oct 2009, 9:34, archived)

I read Artemis Fowl

and was disappointed at the lack of chickens.

Why should I trust you again after that?

(

Zak McFlimby Twibbling @McFlimby, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 13:51, archived)

If you're looking for books about chickens then I can highly recommend 'Chicken Little' and 'Fantastic Mr Fox' (although the main protagonist in this book is not a chicken)

(

2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 13:55, archived)

I was watching the elephants on the telly last night and the daddy elephant got on top of the mummy elephant and poked it with his no-no.

Why did he do that?

(

2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 13:58, archived)

There is only one question, Shirley.

But it's in three parts:

A) Why do we need a sequel to the trilogy in four parts?

2) Where did the dolphins find the finance to build an entirely new Earth?

iii) If you could unthink anything what would you unthunk?

(

mrlogic is copying your beard, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 14:30, archived)

~~dolphins~~ mice

(

fuscous, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 14:40, archived)

oh yeah,

been a while since I read them

(

mrlogic is copying your beard, Tue 6 Oct 2009, 15:28, archived)

there are five parts, this will be the sixth

and as Stilton said

(

HappyToast Groat froth, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 14:43, archived)

oh yeah,

been a while since I read them

(

mrlogic is copying your beard, Tue 6 Oct 2009, 15:28, archived)

Is there any way you could work The Clangers into the plot?

That's proper Science Fiction, that is.

_{Don't forget the Soup Dragon}

(

MisterPunch did it that way on, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 14:33, archived)

Or the Froglets.

I loved the froglets. They were never on enough though. /me hopes for a froglets spin-off mini series.

(

wuffle, the b3ta bunny 's flea collar isn't working on, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 14:54, archived)

If you could ask yourself any question

What would the answer be?

(

stopmeandslapme Cometh the hour, cometh your mum, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 14:41, archived)

Why on earth did they pick Martin Freeman to play Arthur in the film?

I hope your book continues Arthur's irritation at everything and not the ho-hum attitude he had on the big screen

(

HappyToast Groat froth, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 14:47, archived)

I read that as Morgan Freeman.

(

2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 15:14, archived)

Under the circumstances,

Morgan Freeman would have made a better Arthur Dent.

In fact, I couldn't think of anyone who could be worse with the possible exception of Martin Freeman - oh, wait......

(

Vulthoom, Tue 6 Oct 2009, 15:35, archived)

How about:

1) Orlando Bloom
2) Dame Judy Dench
3) Martin Free.. - oh, wait.....

(

2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Tue 6 Oct 2009, 17:33, archived)

Douglas Adams successfully predicted much of the (then) near scientific future.

This is a huge act to follow! What new technologies do you think will happen in our lifetimes? And, on a more fanciful note, what new technologies would you like to see happen in the near future?

(

wuffle, the b3ta bunny 's flea collar isn't working on, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 15:33, archived)

Have you ever been killed to death whilst masturbating over a photo of 80's pop sensation Sabrina?

(

mr.dogshit The world's premier anthropomorphic canine faeces, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 15:33, archived)

Who (or what) is your favourite character from the originals, and why?

(Super Jet Shoes, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 15:56, archived)

What will you do with "42"?

(brazavil, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 16:03, archived)

Is this

book as full of clumsily shoe-horned in 'issues' and cop-outs as your other work has been?

Or alternately, how many inventive ways do you think Douglas Adams if he came back from the dead, could torture you?

(

Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 16:14, archived)

Whats the absolute most you would pay for a pickled egg?

(in rupees)

(Mr_Smythe, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 16:39, archived)

Is this a piece of fairy cake ?

Where will you be on October 12th ?

Can I get a signed copy of the book to go next to the signed Douglas Adams copy of Mostly Harmless I have, bearing in mind I live in Amsterdam and unless you're doing a signing there in the near future I'll probably never get one...

But I will be at the door of the shop when it opens on the 12th to buy a copy.

Thank you for taking this on.

BTW - Just to show what an H2G2 geek myself and the wife are we named our daughter (and we can scan in her passport if proof be needed) Milliway Fenchurch Reeds - Is that the oddest Hitchhikers fan act ever or what ?

(

Darryn.R, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 17:01, archived)

well athur get thursdays??

(

Rev. Jesse. broke his ankle, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 17:10, archived)

my poo is yellow

why?

(

bigmeuprudeboy is using powerpoint or paint...have MERCY, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 17:23, archived)

you!!!!

So it was you who stole my yellow highlighter eh?

(santas_lil_hohoho is packing her vibrator suitcase, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 21:37, archived)

What's the least manly thing you've ever done?

(

Grampa, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 17:39, archived)

How much

Are you only doing this for the money and to boost your reputation or are you in touch with Douglas Adams spiritually?

(bluehamster, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 17:50, archived)

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

(

St. Defenestration The REAL one, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 18:14, archived)

I know the answer to this one.

If a woodchuck could chuck wood, he would, chuck as much wood as he could.

(

wuffle, the b3ta bunny 's flea collar isn't working on, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 22:21, archived)

Chuck Yeager or Chuck Berry?

(

2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Tue 6 Oct 2009, 17:53, archived)

How much wood could Edward Woodwards woodchuck chuck if Edward Woodwards woodchuck could chuck wood?

(

mr.dogshit The world's premier anthropomorphic canine faeces, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 20:24, archived)

brane asplodes

(

monstrinho do biscoito teeeshurts = www.nogunarmy.com, Tue 6 Oct 2009, 14:21, archived)

Artemis Fowl was a good book

but one line stuck with me from it, it was a description of Butler having 'hands like shovels.' Anyway, did that particular detail come from anyone in particular?

(

Arsonade is saving up for a new box of hummus, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 20:29, archived)

religion isn't the cause of all wars, evolution is.

am i right

(chiff_chiff, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 21:07, archived)

Hahahaaa

yes

(Super Jet Shoes, Tue 6 Oct 2009, 1:10, archived)

erm...

didnt they all die in the last book after Random went back to earth and it was the day of the Vogon Constructor Fleets? How do you propose to bring all our beloved characters back? And if it has anything to do with a dream followed by arthur dent walking out the shower, will not be impressed sir!

(santas_lil_hohoho is packing her vibrator suitcase, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 21:35, archived)

True story: In the late Eighties, I sold Douglas Adams a (then impressive) 40Mb hard drive for his Mac...

I was so star-stuck and over-awed I didn't take the opportunity to chat to him and never told him how much his books meant to me.
He looked like he was in a hurry, and I didn't want to be a needy fan. I regret it to this day...
Did you ever get the chance to meet him? If so, were you as tongue-tied? And what's your biggest regret?

(

enceladus, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 22:30, archived)

I know the BBC radio show got around the characters deaths....

at the end of Mostly Harmless by claiming that it was a quirk of those born in the Z-plural zones, thus providing the happy ending where everyone appeared back at Milliways for cocktails rather than the stark fact that all the main protagonists were in fact deceased by the end of DNA's last foray into that particular storyline, thus neatly tying up all the loose ends.

However, this thread of questions has gone on for quite some considerable length, so aren't you bored of listening to me by now?

Lot's of love,

The voice inside your head whenever you read something.

message transcribed from your cranial cavity by:

(

Yamon Benny Harvey. RIP., Mon 5 Oct 2009, 22:34, archived)

Do you intend to write the book naked?

(As Terry Jones did writing Starship Titanic).

Also, do you feel that the many different versions that Douglas Adams created free you from being overly stingent in maintaining a consistent (er... "canon"[possibly no such thing in HHGTTG]) book in his style, and do you worry about making it too aimed at existing fans and risking alienating new readers?

(Orkran Mild Euphoria Ensues, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 22:56, archived)

That last part is probably the opposite of the case.

He'll make it friendly to new readers and completely alienate anyone who has read the previous books.

It'll be the Wii of DA books.

(

Digeridude Lord Wellington's Beef Trapeze, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 23:21, archived)

What's stopping you from answering all these questions with 42?

You cheat.

(

Digeridude Lord Wellington's Beef Trapeze, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 23:20, archived)

Cock or Biro?

In your bottom.
What would you rather have inserted into you?

(po po, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 23:29, archived)

do you know a good cure for hangovers?

hurry please.

(

Damien's Hearse, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 23:48, archived)

books

Have u been working out? You look well.

(Barry1980 RSJ, Tue 6 Oct 2009, 0:10, archived)

"It's pronounced Owen!"

You have this almost everywhere...

You have it on your amazon page:
www.amazon.com/Eoin-Colfer/e/B001JS4V8E

You have it on your Wikipedia page:
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eoin_Colfer

A Google search tells us you repeat it 88 times on your own site:
www.google.com/search?q=eoin+colfer+pronounced+owen+site:eoincolfer.com

We get the point: your name is quite an annoyance to you. Rest assured this is also true for the rest of us, if that helps.

Through b3ta's almighty powers, you are now granted the right to select another name.

What name are you chosing?

Bonus points for having at least as many consonants as "Slartibartfast" and/or containing a "3" as in b3ta.

(

frox, Tue 6 Oct 2009, 10:46, archived)

I've grown ,quite successfully this year,

a fair few cherry tomatoes an plan to do so again next year. I have tried, with considerably less success, to grow peppers, averaging only one or two per plant. My garden is Westerly facing and both plants have been grown in approximately similar conditions (i.e. a few meteres apart but identical soil conditions, level of rainfall etc.) Where am I going wrong?

(

Funkenschlag still likes dogs more than cats, Tue 6 Oct 2009, 11:02, archived)

Will you do my 11hr Sunday shift this week.....

So I can go to the Hitchikers convention at the Southbank?
Thanks in anticipation.

(paof2 Nude might not be rude, but rude could be nude..., Tue 6 Oct 2009, 11:34, archived)

Brian Herbert wrote some shit Dune sequels after Frank Herbert died.

Are you going to be Douglas Adams' "Brian"?

(

Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Tue 6 Oct 2009, 11:40, archived)

What's the Question to Life, the Universe and Everything?

Don't bother with the answer to the Question.

(cl1nt was named after dirty harry, Tue 6 Oct 2009, 11:51, archived)

Nick Knowles

How would you kill him?

(Lo Pan is in big trouble, Tue 6 Oct 2009, 12:55, archived)

Oi, rob, email Stephen Fry and get him to ask a question.

(Metalfish Hasn't had a sig since, Tue 6 Oct 2009, 13:08, archived)

If your new project was food

what do you think Greg Wallace would say about it

(

Barry the Time Sprout one of your 5-a-day, Tue 6 Oct 2009, 13:23, archived)

Are Hitchhiker fans nerdier and more annoying than Trekkies?

(

mr.dogshit The world's premier anthropomorphic canine faeces, Tue 6 Oct 2009, 13:24, archived)

Do you think a cull of some of the human race to preserve the remainder, numerous animal species and flora is acceptable?

and if so what would be your criteria for the dead list?

(

HappyToast Groat froth, Tue 6 Oct 2009, 14:17, archived)

What's your favourite bit in the original books, and why?

Mine is when the characters are eating a sumptuous meal with the mice on Magrathea. The mice try and get serious and say, "to business", which is followed by Ford and Zaphod leaping up, clinking glasses and exclaiming "to business!", because they thought it was a toast.

I like it because the mice are trying to broach the subject of dicing Arthur's brain, but Ford and Zaphod are entirely focussed on drinking and having a good time.

I'm sure you enjoyed hearing my opinion there...

(Rotten_Cointreau is a proper scientician, Tue 6 Oct 2009, 14:17, archived)

rehashes of old franchises are always shit and we as a culture we should be thinking of new ideas rather than trying to make a quick buck out of crapping on anything with a bit of nostalga attached.

discuss.

(

monstrinho do biscoito teeeshurts = www.nogunarmy.com, Tue 6 Oct 2009, 14:24, archived)

Oh come on...

i'm sure writing this book moved him...TO A BIGGER HOUSE

(

Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Tue 6 Oct 2009, 14:40, archived)

A question from my son,

an Italian 11-yr old fan who has read all of Colfer's books (the ones that have been translated, that is, plus a couple of english ones I read to him in italian)

My favourite book of yours was Airman. Do you plan to write a sequel to that?

.

(

frox, Tue 6 Oct 2009, 14:39, archived)

I was flicking through my old Molesworth books the other evening

and I found a reference to 'Radio Malt'. Do you know what this is?

Also, in the unlikely event that this HHGTTU sequel goes well, would you consider doing a sequel to the Molesworth books? Maybe when he's managed to get into a polytechnic?

(

MisterPunch did it that way on, Tue 6 Oct 2009, 16:22, archived)

If we were on a date together, what restaurant would you take me to and why?

And that goes to contestant number one.

(

2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Tue 6 Oct 2009, 16:29, archived)

How DO they make it so creamy?

(

2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Tue 6 Oct 2009, 17:35, archived)

Douglas Adams was stolen from us at the age of 49 by a heart attack, leaving millions bereaved.

In the event of the new Hitchiker's book becoming as popular as those of the late Mr Adams, what precautions have you taken to ensure that your coronary arteries are in a satisfactory condition in order to avoid a repeat of this tragedy?

(

2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Tue 6 Oct 2009, 17:48, archived)

Why not just

post your bloody fanfiction on the internet for free?

Why did you agree to do this thing, surely knowing how much shit you'd get?

What colour does a smurf go when you choke it?

(Shinigami, Tue 6 Oct 2009, 18:12, archived)

What's the question to the ultimate answer?

(MrChimp previously Monsieur, Tue 6 Oct 2009, 18:19, archived)

Douglas who?

(Ravenous Bugblatter Beast This content may not be working. Please try again., Tue 6 Oct 2009, 20:05, archived)

If only Smarties have the answer why did they build Deep Thought?

(

HappyToast Groat froth, Tue 6 Oct 2009, 20:27, archived)

Did you think the film was crap or OK?

I enjoy your books, and so do my kids (I even bought one once, instead of waiting for the library to get it in) but if you think the Hitch-hikers film was even remotely OK, then I'd be a bit worried about this book.

I'd still read it though, to be honest.

Also, tea or coffee?

(teasus likes tea, Tue 6 Oct 2009, 21:45, archived)

He ended the books

He ended them. Ended them. They finished.

He didn't want to write any more and given he didn't ask any of his very funny friends who were good at writing to continue his work, I doubt he would have wanted some shitbubble like you to piss all over his really excellent books.
So, in the form of a question: why don't you just go away?

(TheCastrator, Tue 6 Oct 2009, 22:08, archived)

Who Put the Bom in the Bom Bom Diddley Bom?

(

2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Tue 6 Oct 2009, 22:10, archived)

Is it racist to use White Tac?

(

2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Tue 6 Oct 2009, 22:12, archived)

Given that God is infinite, and given that the Universe is infinite...

do you like toasted tea cake?

(

prodigy69 broke b3ta and made everyone leave, Tue 6 Oct 2009, 22:35, archived)

I'm offering you three categories for this next question.

Please pick from:
Waters of the world, Hair and Red Things.

(

2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Tue 6 Oct 2009, 22:38, archived)

Were you aware of b3ta before this or did your publisher think this would be a good idea and you just went along with it?

and with hind sight, do you think this was worth the trouble for such a tiny bit of advertising?

(

HappyToast Groat froth, Tue 6 Oct 2009, 22:51, archived)

Have you ever considered writing theological thrillers like Dan Brown does?

How about one where Tom Hanks gets aids after he bummed off a priest and then finds out that the whole aids thing was started by a group of satanists in a plot to wipe out the catholics because they don't believe in condoms and it turns out that the satanists have the cure for aids but they've hidden it up Ewan McGregor's bum and he has to follow a series of clues written on the walls of public toilets around Rome and there's a climactic final scene where he fists Ewan to death to get the cure out.

There, you can have that one for free. All it needs is some full stops and things.

(

2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Tue 6 Oct 2009, 23:24, archived)

If a Pug dog (medium size) walked into your parlour would you embrace it with lust or would you kick it, whilst talking to the RSPCA over the phone, sort of like a cruelty commentary?

(

Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Wed 7 Oct 2009, 0:39, archived)

if you stare at yourself in the mirror for a really long time

do your eyes start to look really evil, followed by the rest of your face? or is it just me?

(Nobody Likes Mortal Wombat, Wed 7 Oct 2009, 0:43, archived)

Why did you choose to call a male character Artemis?

As someone with the given first name of Artemis, I am humbly requesting that you pull all books from publication and edit them so that his name is Diana. Then he can deal with having people constantly call him up looking for Ms. Diana Fowl, and people will stop assuming I am a man just because I was named after a Greek goddess.

(SharkyMcSharkington, Wed 7 Oct 2009, 1:47, archived)

Here's another one for you...

Tom Hanks is drilling a hole through the wall of the men's changing room in Topshop when he discovers an ancient scroll that describes the location of a secret document which proves that the Bible was written entirely by the Roman emporer Caligula after eating a load of cheese too soon before he went to bed and which fell into the hands of catholic extremists who have hidden it up Ewan McGregors bum and then sent him to live in a monastery in Italy and they have cloned him so there are like three hundred of these Ewan McGregor clones and in order to find the document Tom Hanks has to bum all of the Ewan McGregor clones in turn but then his knob falls off from all the bumming so he has to use his tongue instead.

I've literally got hundreds more of these, if you are interested then get in touch and we can talk business.

(

2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Wed 7 Oct 2009, 2:39, archived)

Ok, one more then.

Dan Brown and Tom Hanks are two gay lovers who get married and go on their honeymoon to Israel and while they are there they find a gideons bible in their hotel room that has a spelling error in the copyright information which turns out to be a clue that leads them to a secret tomb which they have to get to by climbing into a toilet in the Jerusalem branch of McDonalds and as they are climbing down the toilet someone does a big poo on them and then they find themselves in an underground sewer and they're all covered in poo and wee and then the sewage level starts to rise and they need to find the key to get out but the Quakers have hidden the key up Ewan McGregors bum and he has explosive diarrhoea.

I admit that I only got a C in my English GCSE but hopefully you will be able to see past the few spelling and grammatical errors I have undoubtably made and realise that these could be some of the best selling works of fiction of all time.
We're talking bigger than the Bible here.

So, how much will you pay me for them?

(

2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Wed 7 Oct 2009, 3:17, archived)

I review plays for a living and all of your plots are better than 90% of the submissions I have to wade through. Give up your day job!

(DimT, Wed 7 Oct 2009, 3:56, archived)

Thank you! I've always wanted to write plays.

I would be grateful if you could cast your eye over this script I'm currently working on.

NARRATOR: Our story begins in London, England. The famous author Mr Daniel Brown is driving to see his friend Tomothy Hanks about a matter of grave importance. Unfortunately as he arrives at Mr Hankses house a cat runs out in front of his car. Daniel slams on the brakes, and is catapaulted through the windscreen.
ENTER DAN BROWN, STAGE LEFT, FLYING THROUGH THE AIR BUM-FIRST.
TOM HANKS IS SITTING ON A CHAIR. HE TURNS AND HIS JAW FALLS OPEN WITH AMAZEMENT AS DAN BROWN FLIES TOWARDS HIM. DAN BROWN LANDS ON TOM HANKSES HEAD WHICH GOES RIGHT UP HIS BUM.
TOM HANKS: (MUFFLED) "What is the meaning of this?"
DAN BROWN: "I'm terribly sorry, there was a cat. I had come here to tell you about a matter of grave importance!"
TOM HANKS: (MUFFLED) "Can it wait until we've got my head out of your bum?"
DAN BROWN: "I'm afraid not, you'll just have to wear me as a hat for now. I'll explain what's going on in the car."
EXIT STAGE RIGHT TOM HANKS WEARING DAN BROWN AS A HAT.
NEXT SCENE: TOM HANKS IS DRIVING WHILST DAN BROWN GIVES DIRECTIONS
DAN BROWN: "Are you okay in there?"
TOM HANKS: (MUFFLED) "It's not so bad now I'm getting used to it, and at least you're keeping my head nice and warm. So, you were going to tell me what this matter of grave importance was?"
DAN BROWN: "Mmm? Oh, yes, of course, how could I forget? I was listening to the news earlier and apparantly some extremist Jehovah's Witnesses have broken into that secret warehouse from the end of Indianna Jones, stolen the Ark of the Covenant and hidden it... UP EWAN MCGREGORS BUM!!!"
TOM HANKS: (MUFFLED) "I should have guessed. Thosed damned religious fanatics are always stealing priceless religious artefacts and hiding them up Ewan McGregors bum."
DAN BROWN: "And what's worse is that I've discovered that they plan to use it to MELT THE POPE'S FACE!!!"

As you can tell, it still needs several more minutes of work on it, but I was wondering if you would be interested in commissioning the entire play?

(

2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Wed 7 Oct 2009, 4:33, archived)

I would like to see this play made

but only if the climax featured a giant animatronic bum, atleast 20 foot tall.

(

StickFigureNinja is worried he may be on the list, Wed 7 Oct 2009, 23:02, archived)

WHO'S WRITING THIS FUCKING PLAY?

It just so happens that I had planned to include a giant animatronic bum.
And I thought maybe 40 feet tall.

(

2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Thu 8 Oct 2009, 2:18, archived)

If Gregg's was the center of the universe

Would the meaning of life be a sausage roll?

(flibblesan saw your mums cock, Wed 7 Oct 2009, 3:27, archived)

How big was the truck?

You know, the one full of cash they drove up to your front door when you agreed to write this book.

(

Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 7 Oct 2009, 11:44, archived)

If your book sucks,

What are you going to do with the 24 hours you are given to live, by the mob.

(Uhmfhshhghd, Wed 7 Oct 2009, 12:41, archived)

If?

When. Not if.

(Rotten_Cointreau is a proper scientician, Thu 8 Oct 2009, 14:42, archived)

Do you want fries with that?

(Safety Hamster What happens in the future, stays in the future, Wed 7 Oct 2009, 18:08, archived)