Question of the Week suggestionsEach week we ask a question. The idea is to generate material that's:
* interesting to read, i.e. we won't get bored of reading the answers after about 10 of them
* not been asked on this site before
* fun to answer
What would you like to ask? (We've left this question open - so feel free to drop in ideas anytime.)
(
rob, Wed 14 Jan 2004, 13:01)
Tell Us Your Story »
Why I'm going to burn in hell.Ok, so we might not all believe in Hell, but this is the chance to tell us your stories of the awful, awful things that you've done, this is your chance to repent.
Christmas is on the way, so let's have some stories of anti-goodwill.
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Cawl, Mon 8 Dec 2008, 11:09,
19 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
Your Brutally Honest Lonely Hearts AdvertHaving read a lonely hearts page in the local paper, I wonder how YOUR honest profile would appear? I'm not asking to take the mickey out of the people putting adverts in the rag. That would be too easy.
If you were given a limit of 40(ish) words and were BRUTALLY honest about yourself, what would you write? I'll start you off with with my go at this fun little game:
"SCREAMING SELF TO SLEEP AGAIN: Problem-drinking self-obsessed sociopath with honesty issues wltm (but not for long) morally barren human to act as emotional crutch and commitment-free sex object. Believes entitled to everything, unwilling to work for anything. Uninterested in emotion or closeness."
Go on. I dare you!
(With thanks to the_neptunian_number)
(, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 13:15, 9 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
I'd quite like a QOTW on buses.I know we've had one on public transport, but I think one specifically dedicated to buses will bring out the the more exotic stories. Particularly occasions where the timetable hasn't been stuck to or if the bus driver has left the bus for a wee and something exciting has happened.
See this for the sheer breadth of story we could enjoy during a Bus QOTW
b3ta.com/talk/6057959
I guess it could include park and ride
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glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Sun 5 Apr 2009, 22:16,
7 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
My Life: The Soap OperaHave you ever caught your wife in bed with your brother/husband/best friend? Ever gone away for a few months, only to find you've been replaced by a younger, better looking version of yourself?
Buried your husband?
Slept with your long-lost evil twin?
Ever had one of those really dramatic, dun dun-dun dun moments like at the end of Eastenders?
In what way is your life like a soap, ever had anything happen to you so incredulous it could easily have been a plot from Corrie?
I have loads of these, because everyone I know is a shitebag :D
PS Soaps are shit.
(, Wed 9 Apr 2008, 12:56, 14 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
Fwappage fodderChickenlady and I have concluded that we would like a QOTW where we can regurgitate our turgid erotic prose for the amusement and analysis of everyone who will, in turn, place their damp, throbbing fingers on the keyboard and spill their own words across the page like succulent, pearly drops of lascivious wisdom.
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crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 1 Feb 2008, 11:59,
14 replies,
latest was 17 years ago)
Jokes you have never gottenOkay, not being British and not having an ice cream man in my neighborhood, I have no idea if I should laugh about the whole "only playing music when they are out of ice cream" thing or not.
There is also a Far Side cartoon that has stumped me for almost 20 years now.
I'll laugh politely anyways...
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setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Wed 16 Mar 2005, 19:58,
Reply)
It's Not What It Looks Like!People... They seem to have a knack for walking in at just the wrong time, when you're doing just the wrong thing.
"I was just seeing what it felt like to have a grand in my pocket, I wasn't stealing it"
"She was checking out a rash I've got, darling, I promise"
"Well, my clothes got wet, so did his... Yes, officer, huddling together to conserve body heat... Yes officer, he's five... No Officer... I'm not his Dad."
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Cawl, Tue 16 Sep 2008, 9:59,
6 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
PLEASECan you (mods) put a cap on this for now, open up a NEW 'QOTW Suggestions' board and let people vote for it for, say, a month. Then use the top voted four for the up-coming month.
What do you say?
(, Thu 1 May 2008, 17:12, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
I've done it twice...Get married, that is.
At my last wedding the extremely posh groom's father and uncle (brothers who hated each other with a venom)turned up with matching black eyes.
Apparently another relative (a retired Colonel as it happened) had to get between them.
So, we've all been to weddings whether as a participant or just as a guest. Someone always cocks something up, tell us...was it you?
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chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 13:12,
18 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
Open letters"Dear neighbours, you should not own a drumkit. I've had broken clocks that kept better time. If you do not desist I will steal your wheelie bin and ram it up your recycling box. Love CHCB."
Vent your spleen or sing someone's praises here.
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crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 23:58,
3 replies,
latest was 17 years ago)
Letters they'll never readApologies, anger, declarations of love, things you want to say to people, but can't or didn't get the chance to.
(, Sat 26 Jul 2008, 1:29, 6 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
Tales of the UnexplainedI was driving my ex home one night, and we saw a large creature, clearly, in the headlights.
T'was a cougar.
I *know* it was, because I'm a zoologist.
My first thought was that it was a big golden lab, but then it looked at me, it's eyes did the cat-eye thing, and it did a twirly thing with it's tail. Dogs can't do that with their tails.
And my ex saw it too. Didn't have a fucking camera handy though.
Tell us your stories of crop-circles, ghostly encounters and twilight-zone moments.
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Cawl, Wed 25 Jun 2008, 11:59,
6 replies,
latest was 17 years ago)
QOTW Agony AuntTell us your problems and let the QOTW masses solve them.
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mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Thu 17 Jul 2008, 21:04,
3 replies,
latest was 17 years ago)
UsernamesI know it's been suggested and ignored before but goddamnit it's driving me mad. I'll grant you that half of the stories won't be that great, mostly along the lines of 'it's a funny word', but the other half would be somewhere between hilarious and fascinating.
Mine is obvious but was there ever really a 'scary duck'? Is it Rachelswipe or Rachel's Wipe? And if it's the second one, what's so important about that wipe? I'd quite happily listen to the story of the dog version of Legless again but this time on-topic and will buy adult nappies for when disasterprone proves it's not just a funny name. What did Pigeon Nipples get his knighthood for? Has Rakky remembered that password yet? Is that the real Frank Spencer sucked into reality by some sort of wormhole? Some dirty, filthy wormhole? What the hell is a Cmpod? What the frig is a Pooflake? Does Humpty Dumpty have proof that would stand up in court? Can I Have Run Out Of Coke not just go to the shop? Is The Resident Loon an official position and, if so, how much does it pay? Is TheWeeWitch real? I quite like my penis and that worries me. Does Chickenlady love life? Did her friend once punch out a cow? Two cows? Which country is Che Grimsdale trying to liberate? Or is it a mispelling of Chez and it's a theme park where all the tours are disrupted by Norman Wisdom crashing through the wall hanging on to the back of an out of control lawnmower? Big-girls Blouse doesn't look big from her pic so is there something special about that blouse? It also might be the only week I read what Apeloverage posts!
I NEED TO KNOW!
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Gleeballs is mostly made out of chocolate and hate., Sat 12 Apr 2008, 9:18,
15 replies,
latest was 17 years ago)
how to choose a QOTW- Must allow everyone the opportunity to offer multiple stories (i.e. not "My first..."
- Must appeal to men as much as women (i.e. not "My cock and what I do with it"
- Must not appeal only to one kind of poster (i.e. not "I love computers to the exclusion of all else"
- Must have the potential for humour as well as profundity (i.e. not "My favourite drunken vomiting session"
- Must not repeat other QOTWs in slightly different wording
- might like to take into account the hundreds of suggestions from people who love QOTW and use it all day every day
(, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 13:14, 3 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
"Ridiculous Things Keep Happening To Me!"And, it's not just me!
www.b3ta.com/questions/smoking/post133413
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Gleeballs is mostly made out of chocolate and hate., Fri 21 Mar 2008, 19:54,
Reply)
FetishesI have been with men who like wetsuits and men who like knee-high boots and men who are into me wearing both at once, which impedes my progress on the beach somewhat but gets them going. I've also got a tale about someone shitting on a rock and then eating it.
What fetishes do you have or have you encountered?
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crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 18 Mar 2009, 10:18,
9 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
Following on from some of the great tales in this thread here:www.b3ta.com/board/8467215
I motion that we have a QOTW of the great tales that our Grandparents, and Old People in general have told us and the things they have done!
At the request of the masses, this should be a question for genuine advice that has helped and stories of Valour and Honour bestowed upon us by our elders and betters!
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Redsushi! Whoop! Whoop! Yes, that one!, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 12:31,
4 replies,
latest was 17 years ago)
and then I said "I'll never drink again"(Bindun?)
Everyone who's had a drink is bound to have suffered from it too. Tell us about the time you woke up on a traffic island, vomiting into a plastic bag with only a bottle of tequila to protect your modesty.
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crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 26 Mar 2008, 12:07,
7 replies,
latest was 17 years ago)
what can you fit in your mouth?either in a discrete or continuous manner and how it has affected your life
photographic evidence preferred
sfw
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glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Thu 21 Jun 2012, 13:18,
5 replies,
latest was 12 years ago)
I just don't understand the attraction...Ricky Gervais. Lesbian pr0n. Going to the most crowded bar in town on a night out, purely because it's crowded. All these things seem to be popular with most of the rest of the human race, but I just can't work out why...
What leaves you cold just as much as it turns everyone else on?
(, Sat 27 Dec 2008, 17:23, 11 replies, latest was 16 years ago)
Final strawHow about those little straws that broke the camel's back. What finally made you crack? I can remember doing some DIY job in the garden, I was already in a bad mood for some reason and kept dropping the screw I trying to fix a trellis up with into some bark chippings. The third time it happened I popped - I turned round in FURY and kicked a bucket half full of mixed soil, sand and compost clear across the garden.
(, Wed 6 Feb 2008, 15:39, 1 reply, 17 years ago)
Most inappropriate place you have had to 'do a toilet'(
JKF You ain't seen me, roit?, Wed 14 Jan 2004, 13:08,
Reply)
String!There are literally dozens of types of string on the market. Blue string, green string, white string, blue string soup... what's your favourite type of string? Have you had any string related disasters, like running out and so you had to resort to using sellotape? Or, worse still, Blu-Tak?
This question is good as it will give you the opportunity to veer slightly off topic and talk about rope, which is like string, but thicker. Or perhaps shoelaces and cord, which are a bit more like string, but feel different.
Or even string theory, which isn't real string at all. In fact, it's really quite complex and stuff and girls probably wouldn't understand it. I know I don't, and I'm not even a girl. Oh no. PenguinOfDeath and Enzyme probably do, so they'd be off in their own little string theory thread (thread's sort of string like) making string theory related puns and stuff while everyone else reads on and thinks "What the fuck are they on about?" Meanwhile, the Goat would come in and tell everyone that string isn't real and the world is going to end tomorrow and the government are really lizards before getting his arse kicked in an intellectual orgy of words.
Then Bert would probably masturbate over everyone and it would be Thursday before you know it.
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Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 19 Mar 2009, 13:23,
15 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
I can't believe I got away with itWhat have you done and got away with?
I once managed to steal five croissants from Morrisons. By accident. Go me.
come on people. this has masses of scope. pick this.
(, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 10:57, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)
I am thickI once rang directory enquiries using my mobile:
Operator: "Name?"
Me: "Stopmeandslapme"
Operator: "Address?"
Me: "My address"
I rang my own house.
I thought they wanted to know who was making the enquiry or something...
What are the thickest things you've done?
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stopmeandslapme Cometh the hour, cometh your mum, Sat 7 Mar 2009, 16:00,
5 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
Any questions?In a tribute to the wonderful ask118118 site that's bound to make this week's newsletter, instead of setting a question, let the question be 'Ask a question.'
Then we can ask our own questions for a week and people can answer the questions.
Questions?
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Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 20 Nov 2008, 6:34,
3 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
Sex education shenanigansWhat was Sex Ed like for you? How did you learn about sex, and what misconceptions did you have? Did anything interesting happen in Sex Ed classes? When the woman put the condom on the banana, my mate had a fit and passed out.
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SqueakyG, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 0:51,
3 replies,
latest was 17 years ago)
Niceness from StrangersOne winter evening I wandered round Leeds city centre with a box of chocolates handing them out to refuse collectors, police officers and bus drivers. I was a little tipsy at the time, but I felt a warm glow of cheeriness for treating those who were still at work.
What's the nicest thing a stranger has ever done for you? Have you ever committed a random act of kindness?
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e.m.m.y. foxtrot uniform charlie kilo india tango, Tue 23 Oct 2007, 11:25,
2 replies,
latest was 17 years ago)
an open questionTell us an anecdote on any subject about something that has happened to you in the past 14 days. Have you been in a fight, fallen in love, been sacked, found a missing girl in a lockup somewhere, had part of your body removed, partaken in group sex where everyone else was the opposite gender etc etc.
Anything goes, but it absolutely must be from the last 14 days, so providing people are honest, will mean no roasted peas. Completely original stories.
No posting 'flirting' stories either.
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sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 15 Sep 2009, 14:19,
3 replies,
latest was 15 years ago)
Snow storiesLast night's flutter of snow sent me back to the nostalgic days of proper snowfalls, lakes frozen solid and ice-packed snowballs landing squarely in the face of unsuspecting mates.
Tell us your tales of winters past.
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Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 29 Oct 2008, 9:23,
3 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
I shouldn't have seen that!We've all had it. Walking in on something or discovering something we really shouldn't be seeing.
The Headmaster nailing the Geography mistress on his desk. Your Lecturer having his stomach licked by a Freddy Mercury-alike in a Gay club. An athlete taking a huge amount of steroids before the big race. A gangland kneecapping.
So come on, B3tans, what did you see that you've had to keep schtum about?
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Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Wed 20 Aug 2008, 16:15,
3 replies,
latest was 17 years ago)
Faking it...We've all done it. From qualifications to orgasms, everyone likes to play "let's pretend" once in a while.
So when have you faked it? Did you get away with it? Or were you exposed as the big fat lying cheater you really are?
(, Mon 23 Jun 2008, 19:54, 3 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
Pick 'n' MixWrite a story based on one of the many closed QOTWs. Now's your chance to post that story that you thought of weeks after the question had been closed.
When you were a newbie did you ever think "I have the perfect story for that question, too bad it's closed"? Now's your chance!
Reposts will be punishable by catapult.
(, Fri 8 Feb 2008, 9:20, Reply)
Pranks at Work.During my time in the Royal Marines I saw many a good prank, but the one that stands out was when we took the C/O's new Landrover to the motorpool and had it sprayed pink, and parked back outside his office. Following a full investigation, which turned up nothing, he deanded it was resprayed back to RN Blue. This we did, only with a water based paint. A few days later we were on exercises when it suddenly began to rain. The landrover began to change from dark blue to pink again from the top down. The look on the officer's face was a picture. What pranks have you encountered while at work?
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Captn Hood-Butter is not dead yet., Fri 16 Jun 2006, 15:28,
Reply)
"I've never been so insulted"tell us about being insulted. And give us some context. "Fuck off you cunt" isn't enough.
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rob, Mon 28 Nov 2005, 15:34,
Reply)
What is the most embarrassing situation you've been caught in?Yes, it was with my girlfriend, and yes, her big older brother caught us doing stuff he didn't deem appropriate, and yes, my trousers were round my ankles, and her knickers were on the floor.
So yeah. That should have lots of interesting answers if posed.
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jola, Wed 14 Jan 2004, 13:30,
Reply)
Top 5Pick something you know something about about and tell us what your five favourite ones are, maybe even why.
(, Thu 13 Aug 2009, 14:14, 4 replies, latest was 15 years ago)
Shitty Valentines DaysWell, it's nearly the day for the greetings card companies' festival of tat, so how about "Worst Valentines Day Experience" as a QOTW? Worst V-day sex, dinner date, present, disasters....
(, Tue 5 Feb 2008, 0:15, Reply)
What is the silliestbet or dare you have ever undertaken?
I licked the face of J from 5ive for £20, he seemed quite pleased bizarrely...
(, Wed 14 Jan 2004, 13:29, Reply)
Dear B3ta,I have a problem, can you solve it?
Why not let b3ta play agony aunt for a week? People ask questions and we respond with advice. Good, bad, funny or just plain wrong.
It could be a fun change from the usual setup as the replies would be as a big a part of it as the questions themselves.
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Crap Little Monkey Deathstar, so good they built it twice, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 8:49,
2 replies,
latest was 14 years ago)
Unfortunate PhotosMaybe you were in the middle of blinking, singing or sneezing, but sometimes photos are taken of you or your friends which make you look a bit... simple. Or maybe a guy behind you holding up an umbrella makes it look like you're wearing a poncey hat. Share all the embrassing photos you have.
[I thought of this, because then we won't get a whole week of people somehow reverting the question to sex stories, lies or honda accords]
EDIT: I SUGGEST CALLING IT "PICS OR GTFO"
(, Sat 20 Jun 2009, 14:59, 44 replies, latest was 16 years ago)
Scrooge!To be honest I heard this on the radio, but some examples:
• The man who takes the battery out of his clock at night;
• The company that took their employees for a Christmas meal out and made everyone choose meals from the "2 for 1" menu;
• People who pinch sachets of tomato sauce from service stations and refuse to buy a bottle.
Tell us the things that you (or your friends and family) do that are mean and money-grabbing.
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Amos E Wolfe makes vinyl signs and things like that, Thu 16 Oct 2008, 18:16,
2 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
Labels and warningsYesterday I bought some sealant for my kitchen, which I'm refitting (slowly and amateurishly). The tube says that it dries "in at least 24 hours".
To my mind, that translates as meaning that, at some point between now and the end of the universe, the sealant will dry. I'm neither surprised nor reassured by this.
What ridiculous labels and warnings have you seen recently?
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Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 18 Sep 2008, 11:00,
2 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
The moment you realised you were well and truly a grown upI spent all of my youth living at home and even during my misguided years during tertiary education I still had my parents to rely on. There comes time however where you realise that you can't just pick up the phone and get your parents to bail you out the sh*t. They bailed me out when I almost got expelled from school and lots of other times when I was so drunk I could hardly get in my car never mind driving it back from the pub.
There was one occasion however where I realised that the game was up and I needed to look after myself. I got arrested in the USA and ended up in Jail. I lost my passport, my money and was basically a criminal in a foreign land.
So my question would be what one event in your life cemented you transition from spotty teenager into a responsible grown up?
PS - I was rightly aquitted in the USA, but the bastards lost my passport!
(, Wed 27 Feb 2008, 14:30, 5 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
Stories of unsurpassed brillianceWhilst I was passing through Miami airport at the tender age of 21, I fancied a beer. Admittedly it was the middle of the afternoon, but I'd had a terrible flight and the prospect of another required fortitude.
"ID" said the charming Southerner behind the desk, so I got out my passport and showed it to her.
"You have to be 21," she said. Now this confused me slightly as I had been 21 for several months by this point and my date of birth was staring her in my face.
"I am 21," I replied helpfully "it says so there, look"
"You have to be 21", she said getting angry.
Cut a long story short, I argued, the manager came out, I argued with him before I finally realised that they weren't looking at the date of birth at all. They were looking at the date of *issue*
That would have made me an annoyingly precocious four year old. What examples of unsurpassed mental genius have you experienced?
(
Kroney, Thu 20 Sep 2007, 10:41,
Reply)
gullibility/naivetywhat have you fallen for like a muppet or convinced someone else is true?
i have a good story but i'm not sharing it unless/until this gets picked. i'm not so naive as to think the omnipotent mods ever listen to me...
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rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 11 Jun 2007, 12:32,
Reply)
missed opportunities on QOTWI reckon everyone on here does the same thing as me. Just after a QOTW closes, you think of a brilliant answer for it, or you happen to be away from b3ta for a week when the ideal Q for you comes up...
For example:
claims to fame: Saddam Hussien took my granny out to dinner, and Gerry Anderson is my cousins godfather.
Onosecond: answering to phone to my very catholic mother-in-law "hello, the Vatican, how may we condemn you?"
Me in the local paper: article in the (national) Telegraph about me entitled "waiter waiter, there's a space missile in my soup"
So I reckon we should do a catchup QOTW, asking people for the wonderful answers they missed putting on.
(, Thu 6 Oct 2005, 13:45, Reply)
Under the influenceWe've all shagged someone we shouldn't have, stolen inexplicable items or
Spill the beans, but not your guts, here.
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Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 24 Mar 2009, 7:55,
3 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
I have a cunning plan...I once worked out how to rob Natwest Bank in Wakefield. I needed:
2 Gymnasts (preferable tumblers)
2 Burly blokes
Me
and some Uzis.
Clearly, I never went through with it, but tell us about your cunning plans. Did they work? Were you rumbled? Or did it all go wrong at the critical moment?
(
Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Wed 23 Jul 2008, 12:41,
2 replies,
latest was 17 years ago)
InjusticeWhen I was a child I used to have riding lessons. Horses would be allocated on a "first come, first served" basis so if you were early you could bag a good steed but if you were late you had to take your chances.
One week I had arrived early and had chosen a wonderful horse called Victor. Everyone wanted to ride Victor, he was the best! So, two minutes into the lesson, some snotty posh kid turns up and says he wants to ride Victor and I was ordered to dismount. Being about 8 years old I complied and had to spend the rest of that lesson on the devil's own mule. It still makes me angry nearly 30 years later.
So what trivial injustices have people suffered that still causes them to fight back those hot tears?
(, Wed 18 Jun 2008, 12:12, Reply)
zombie survival plansi recently updated my zombie survival escape/defence plan after moving house. tell us all your plans for survival on that inevitable day when the zombies finally attack!
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Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Mon 12 May 2008, 22:37,
4 replies,
latest was 17 years ago)
RantsMost people, when forming an opinion on something, take into account the evidence at hand and formulate a position based on a combination of rational thought and personal ethics or morals.
Which is really, really boring.
Everyone has at least one hot topic where nothing like this happens in their grey matter; it's the subject that reduces them to spluttering rabidity and we want to know what yours is - and how much you've got to say about it.
So send empathy out to lunch, gain some equine altitude and let rip!
(, Mon 21 Apr 2008, 17:14, 1 reply, 17 years ago)
Trivial things that really get on your titsWe all love a rant now and again. Especially at those unimportant things which really annoy us.
One of mine is raffles. I hate raffles. Why spend money on tickets with the chance of winning some useless crap which you'll never use/eat/drink?
So go on, let us know what silly little things really get your goat.
(
K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 26 Mar 2008, 12:15,
Reply)
bullshit artistsI went to school with a girl who claimed she was engaged to James Packer, son of Kerry Packer, the second most famous australian media mogul. She would prattle on about "their plans for the future" and "its a secret from the media", and had a cheap shitty ring that she claimed was an heirloom. Her string of lies was blown out of the water some months later when Jamie Packer announced his actual engagement to a gorgeous model (not a spotty 17 year old blatant liar).
Whos the biggest gobshite you know, what kind of lies do they tell, and have you caught them out?
(, Sun 5 Aug 2007, 3:36, Reply)
Really appalling sexWe all crave truly full-on inventive sex that is so fantastic it should be defined as 'Porn Sex'. But let's face it, it never turns out that way does it? I reckon there's plenty of b3tards qith tales of regrettable or embarrassing or just plain icky stuff. bring 'em on in a strictly NSFW way!
(, Tue 24 Apr 2007, 16:59, Reply)
Flagrant abuse of the systemone bottomless ice-cream for 8 of you in pizza hut?
riding the free city bus all day?
give examples of how you've defied THE SYSTEM, not like these wussy attempts above, give me HARDCORE -(answers...)
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Raudulfr, Mon 23 Apr 2007, 12:07,
Reply)
Family coloquialismsMy family use a bizarre variety of words coined by junior members and then kept going through the generations. Mad old relatives continue to use these words publicly, such as combombastion meaning swimsuit (thanks to my aunt) and plip-plop meaning poo (which apparently was me, aged about two years old).
Please reassure me I'm not the only one whose family does this?
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Jadeviper was still alive on, Fri 28 Apr 2006, 21:09,
Reply)
What is the oddestdream or nightmare you have ever had?
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Razor What the fuck - a sig?, Wed 14 Jan 2004, 13:08,
Reply)
What is the creepiest thing that has happened to you?Have you ever experienced anything that has given you the shivers? Anything that you just couldn't explain?
Seen a topic like this on another forum and was very popular. Some very good reads about Sleep Paralysis, strange figures, ghosts, strange lights, UFOs etc.
(, Tue 18 Jan 2011, 22:01, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)
Turning pointsThere has to be at least one point in your life where you made a decision that made everything different. You decided to get married, have kids, leave your partner, start a business.
Tell us about those decisions. Was there one where you wished you'd made the other choice? Was there one that was the best decision you ever made?
(, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 10:03, 1 reply, 15 years ago)
Nostalgia ain't wot it used to beI look back fondly to the days when toothpaste tubes were made of metal (like tomato puree ones), and the unique pleasure we used to have when you took a new album out of its inner sleeve and carefully put it on the turntable for the first listen; you could sit down and read all the stuff on the album cover...and when we had a birthday party, and we were going to the cinema, my dad would fill the car with nine or ten kids - the lucky ones would get to sit in the boot of his estate car and make faces out of the back at the cars behind.
What's changed since you were a kid? What do you miss?
(, Thu 25 Feb 2010, 11:34, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)
If you could go back in time and change just one thing in your life what would it be?Would you ask out the person you really fancied in school?
Would you take the job you turned down?
Would you double check that she really was on the pill?
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Mrs Entity is in hiding., Sat 30 Jan 2010, 16:30,
5 replies,
latest was 15 years ago)
Most Shameful WankYeah, I took one on the back of the C3 to Chester, because I could see the reflection of the HAWT chick's boobs and thighs reflected in the window as she sat in the front seat. I spooged on the floor and rubbed it in with my trainer. I feel guilty as fuck about this. What's your most shameful wank B3TA?
(, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 11:27, 5 replies, latest was 15 years ago)
Laughing at the misfortune of othersSince we're all bastards in our own right, why not share times when something has gone badly wrong for someone else, and yet you couldn't help but either stifle your giggles, or even better, guffaw loudly in their stupid fat face.
As a mild example I once pointed and laughed at a man as he stood in what he thought was a shallow puddle at a pedestrian crossing only to end up almost up to his knee in water.
(, Fri 11 Dec 2009, 10:45, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)
Diplomacy failA work colleague recently lost her husband. On her first day back at work I recalled she told me once that her dearly departed was alergic to cats. So, being a prized plum, I said: "Now you can get that cat you always wanted." Silence. Strange thing was, I was being sincere. Please share your tales of diplomacy faliure; extra bonus points for crying widows...
(
SpankyHanky, Wed 16 Sep 2009, 16:29,
3 replies,
latest was 15 years ago)
Schadenfreude -- a malicious satisfaction obtained from the misfortunes of others.
My business partner ripped me off comprehensively. A couple of years later she lost a leg to diabetes, and soon afterwards died. How sad.
If she hadn't dropped me in it I'd have been there to help her in her time of need - but then again, tough, eh.
Whose misfortune have you enjoyed, however guiltily?
(, Sun 30 Aug 2009, 19:36, 1 reply, 16 years ago)
Learning How To DriveI tried to do this once - completely fucked it up. Thought better of it after nearly killing several pedestrians, a dog, and a couple of cats during my first lesson.
Learning how to drive - discuss.
(
SpankyHanky, Wed 20 May 2009, 23:16,
3 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
Weird ideasWhile I was on the bog the other day, it occured to me that when you take the word ‘weapons’, and spell it phonetically, ‘weppins’, it looks like a name you’d give to a pet rabbit.
What really, really, REALLY weird thoughts have you had?
(, Wed 25 Mar 2009, 1:40, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)
PubsI've seen people having four-somes, fights involving spastics and genuine retarded people doing kareoke, all thanks to the invention of the common pub.
What's happened in your local then?
(
Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 22 Jan 2009, 10:54,
1 reply,
16 years ago)
What's the most childish thing you've ever done as an adult?Mine probably came during the aftemath of my marriage break up. Still having a key to the former marital home (we were on good terms, plus I sometimes went to feed our cats), I went to the bathroom for a slash one day. Spotting a strange toothbrush and razor in the bathroom I surmised that these must belong to the bastard my missus ran off with.
So I pissed all over the razor, and for good measure, wiped my arse on his toothbrush.
That showed him.
(
Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 12 Sep 2008, 19:03,
2 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
Your curesGot any cures of your own for things like hangovers, depression, etc? Go ahead and share them.
(
mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Thu 21 Aug 2008, 15:56,
4 replies,
latest was 17 years ago)
You think you know someone, then...Your friends have built up a picture of you but there's still bound to be some little quirk or fact that they just couldn't get their heads round. What is it that your friends would be horrified to learn about you? Or what's the most out of character thing you're learned about a loved one? Context, please.
(
crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 14 Aug 2008, 22:48,
1 reply,
17 years ago)
What still makes you cringe?I seem to permanently be walking around remembering and cringing about something absolutely, humiliatingly embarrassing I've done, a stupid way I have behaved or some dickish thing I said at an inappropriate time. I can't be the only one can I?
(, Tue 12 Aug 2008, 13:43, 4 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
The general publicI am not a member of the general public and neither are you.
I would imagine that most of us would have been in 'customer facing' jobs at some point. Who's the biggest twunt you've had to deal with?
(
Mrs Entity is in hiding., Wed 6 Aug 2008, 19:24,
1 reply,
17 years ago)
What has B3ta Ever Done For Me?(Apart from the obvious)
In my one year of being a b3tard I have received expert legal advice, financial advice, PC advice, consumer secrets, and genuine pearls of wisdom on both my work and personal life.
Not to mention film / music / food / travel reviews, ...and some excellent jokes / anecdotes to say down the pub
My life has been changed beyond recognition and all of this has been down to the simple straight-forward 'kindness of strangers' element that the B3ta community provides.
So what has B3ta ever done for you? Have you ever acted on advice given to you by a stranger on B3ta? Did it help?
(
Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 24 Jul 2008, 11:21,
Reply)
GenderWhat would you do and enjoy most if you could be a member of the opposite sex for a month?
Aside from the obvious I would enjoy the lack of queues at the loos, not having to bother with make up (which I know I don't *have* to use as a woman, but I choose to) and I'd also enjoy being far, far more assertive.
What would you do?
(
chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Sun 20 Jul 2008, 21:38,
3 replies,
latest was 17 years ago)
Unshakable belief in nonsenseMy little sis (Helen) came back from an adventure week organised by school, convinced that every SAS soldier had a steel helmet implanted under the skin that covers the skull so that they didn't have to rush about finding their conventional helmets when the crap hit he fan and they were pressed into action.
One of the instructors had told her that he'd just been in to have his implanted as he was about to join up.
Years later she still believed this, which was only to be confirmed by the SAS when they stormed the Iranian embassy in 1980.
'You could clearly see that they weren't wearing helmets.'
What nonsense have you persuaded someone to believe?
(, Tue 8 Jul 2008, 0:32, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
Small but annoying mysteriesMy dad was on a train and overheard one half of a telephone conversation, including the immortal line:
"Yeah, there was only one in Norwich but it was covered in ants."
Neither my dad nor anyone he has ever shared the "Great Norwich Mystery" with have been able to offer a sensible suggestion as to what he was talking about.
Also, why does tea drunk through a straw taste horrible?
(, Sun 18 May 2008, 15:38, 3 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
Childhood misconceptionsDid you think the Queen and Mrs. Thatcher were sisters? Did you think Adam and Eve were Jesus's grandparents? Did you confuse caffiene and chlorine? How about pheremones and hemmoroids? Did you used to think that a 'lib' was part of a woman's anatomy?
Tell us about your childhood misconceptions and how they shaped your worldview.
(
mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Tue 1 Apr 2008, 22:39,
5 replies,
latest was 17 years ago)
GrafittiI can't spell it, but what's the finest piece of grafitti you've ever seen? I have two that I swear to god you just can't beat. Go on. Try me.
(
Gleeballs is mostly made out of chocolate and hate., Mon 17 Apr 2006, 17:18,
Reply)
Your most desperate momentbe it sexual, cigarette, or toilet related. What have you done out of sheer despiration?
(
DeSpong currently knitting your suggestions - see profile, Wed 1 Feb 2006, 3:27,
Reply)
Petty acts of rebellion....Personally, I like to drive round mini roundabouts the wrong way when no-one's looking, and I only wear brown trainers to work instead of the regulation smart shoes.
The satisfaction is immeasurable- what do you do to stick it to the man?
Fight the Power! Fuck the pigs! etc
(, Thu 18 Aug 2005, 18:39, Reply)
I Know You're My Mate, But...Today I was walking through the park with a mate. Suddenly he grinned at me and said "There's some girls over there doing handstands and you can see their knickers!" I looked round. They were about six years old.
What psycho things have your friends done recently which have made you feel like they should be sectioned?
(, Mon 20 Jun 2005, 0:16, Reply)
what was your worst 'doing a poo' experience?did you rush to the loo in a posh resteraunt with the worst case of 'bubbling colon disorder' and spray the entire cubicle because you always hover above the seat in public toilets?
as you left the cubicle did someone else immediately enter it and then come out disgusted, look at you and tell you you had 'severe problems and that you should have made some kind of effort to get the shit off of the wall and the cistern'?
did you (because you were so drunk) actually take pictures of the mess with your camera phone whilst you were still in the cubicle and then, (also becuase you were so, so drunk), show them to your mother in law not remembering that you had done so the next day?
and no, this never happened to me. (honest)
situations like that, involving poo. examples. give them to us.
(, Sat 17 Jan 2004, 15:11, Reply)
Whats the most decadant you have ever been?Apart from sitting on a balcony with a coissant?
We sat in bed one evening eathing a dominos pizza and washed it down with a 25 quid bottle of champers.
(, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 10:00, 1 reply, 14 years ago)
SexHave you ever had sex? Was it any good?
We could literally make Amorous Badger spontaneously combust if this works.
(, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 12:11, 1 reply, 15 years ago)
ForeignersTell us your stories on foreigners just being foreign or when you've been a foreigner in a distant land and ballsed it up somehow.
(, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 11:19, 6 replies, latest was 15 years ago)
Wardrobe MalfunctionHaving just pissed myself laughing watching the video of that British Bobsleigh lady who ripped her skin tight lycra suit and showed the entire watching audience of Eurosport her g-string and shokingly white bare arse, I reckon its only right and proper we have a QOTW dedicated to the godawful, gut wrenching, cringeworth wardrobe malfunction.
Split pants aplenty, please. Extra points for protruding boobs and knackers.
(
SpankyHanky, Fri 22 Jan 2010, 9:30,
Reply)
(anti) HeroismThe other night my girlfriend and I returned from a night out to find the communal front door to our flats swinging open. “You go first,” I said. “WHY THE FUCK SHOULD I GO FIRST?” she countered. Apparently my reasoning that: “Well, if someone’s trying to break in I can hit them over the head while they’re trying to rape you,” means I’m a yellow bellied, lilly livered coward of the first order.
Tell us about your acts of anti-heroism and dastardly deeds in the realm of cowardice.
(
SpankyHanky, Tue 3 Nov 2009, 14:10,
4 replies,
latest was 15 years ago)
FlirtingApparently I'm really bad at it. My friend likened watching me flirt to watching a 747 spiral out of control towards a children's playground. Messy, slightly fascinating and it's never going to end well.
So reassure me that I'm not the only one. After all, this is the internet and not everyone can be lucky enough to own a Honda Accord and have a supermodel girlfriend...
(, Wed 19 Aug 2009, 9:05, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)
What about "HAIR"Haircuts from hell, hairdressers from heavan, shaving shananigans, dyeing disasters, golden tresses and afros. We've all got hair, we've all done silly things with it.
Choose this while I've still got more on head than my back - just.
(, Tue 21 Jul 2009, 9:03, Reply)
What's the best thing about being an adult?As a kid, I would have been allowed 2 or maybe 3 jaffa cakes at one time.
I just ate two whole packs and am feeling rather smug.
I like the fact that as an adult, if I want a weekly shop to consist of nothing but chicken kievs, crinkly chips and cherry coke, then that's what it will be.
(
scoshi pretending to diet since, Thu 2 Apr 2009, 14:43,
5 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
Strange datesA while back I went on a date with a (male) psychiatric nurse - well spoken, well educated, clean, pleasant - he ticked all the right boxes, hell, he was even passably attractive. However, halfway through the date he stopped talking, sat back looked at me and said, "Being with you is like being slapped in the face"
I didn't see him again.
And don't even get me started on Speed Dating.
And internet dating.
So, we've all dated oddballs, share your tales of strange dates.
(
chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 2 Apr 2009, 11:30,
6 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
Burn Baby Burn!Pyromania is a driving force in the formative years of people everywhere.
So, did you set fire to the dog?
Immolate a small child?
Let's have your tales of flame-based goodness.
(
Cawl, Tue 31 Mar 2009, 9:18,
5 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
BirthdaysIts my birthday on Friday, the Mrs. is baking me a cake and decorating it with dinosaurs and jet fighters - much nicer than the year I celebrated my esteemed birth laying in an empty bath covered in a strangers vomit.
Tell us about your birthday highs and lows.
(
SpankyHanky, Tue 17 Mar 2009, 11:47,
Reply)
Pass the mind bleach...Goatse, Lemonparty, 2 girls - all these things pale into the land of kittums and fluffeth compared to the dark twisted tales that spew forth from B3tans' minds.
So stock up on mind bleach and let the "ewwwwww"ing commence.
(
TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 27 Jan 2009, 12:00,
2 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
Possible explanations for how things work.This would be more of a creative writing and humor QOTW. What are your thoughts concerning how different things work, how theories were discovered, where lost items go, where people got ideas for inventions, or any other thing that needs a good explanation.
For example, my explanation of how the practice of curing hiccups by using digital rectal massage cures hiccups (semi-pearoast from OT):
Perhaps at some point in having hiccups someone thought to themselves, "You know, I could really go for a finger up my bum right about now." Was this someone who was just so in need of sexy time they couldn't even wait for their hiccups to end?
Or perhaps someone so desparate for the end of their hiccups that they were trying everything they could think of. "Let's see, tickle between my toes. No, hiccups still present. How about lick my knees. Nope, still hiccupping. Hmmm...finger up the bum..... Eureka!"
Tell us your curious explanations and let us refute or agree with them.
(
flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Sun 4 Jan 2009, 3:18,
4 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
How about...something open, like: "Bread - tell us your story which has to have some reference to bread in it."
Like they do with the image challenge sometimes. There was "Hats" wasn't there. This would give us a bit of a breather from the rant style of question/answer we've had for a couple of weeks.
(, Wed 29 Oct 2008, 13:45, Reply)
Religious nuttersWhen I moved into my place, the first person to greet me was a young woman by the name of "Sunny". I thought she was being all nice, until every Sunday she came down to ask if I wanted to go to church with her.
She finally stopped when, asking me if I'd talked to God lately, I said "Yes, this morning, I was yelling his name while riding my boyfriend".
The look on her face was priceless.
(
Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Mon 20 Oct 2008, 15:51,
2 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
Best Comebacks.........A few of us were in the pub one afternoon ripping the piss out of an absent mate who was due to meet us soon,
My friend sends him a text “Are you wearing that gay pink shirt again tonight?”
1 second later the reply came....
“yeah, your missus is just ironing it whilst i'm washing my cock in your sink”.
What's your best comebacks???
(
Gooch Is neither here nor there, Fri 19 Sep 2008, 15:20,
3 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
The inexorable decline of the QOTWRecent QOTW's havent been massively popular. So. A compromise. Let the winner choose next weeks question from the ones suggested here. That way, Rob et al can offload the blame to the dirty proles.
(
I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Fri 19 Sep 2008, 1:03,
2 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
Driving AdventuresRoad rage, road trips, traffic jams, breakdowns and more.
How about some stories from the open road?
(
SuperWeasel slightly better than the average weasel, Sat 13 Sep 2008, 1:34,
1 reply,
16 years ago)
Six hours to the end of the worldThis should have been last weeks QOTW but I was too busy preparing to suggest it :) Imagine CERN just created a black hole and it is slowly sucking up the world, you have around six hours before you get sucked up. No idea why six hours, not a scientist but it sounds a good number.
What would you do in those six hours? Say goodbye to family? go on a looting and pillaging rampage? get drunk/stoned? Anything is possible and there would be no come backs (in this life anyway) as it will all be over soon. Personally I would hide under the duvet, always works :)
(, Wed 10 Sep 2008, 12:18, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)
Innocent pleasuresThere's a lot of QotW cynicism; what made the books question a few weeks ago so great was the simple enthusiasm of most of the posts. We need more of that.
SO: I went fruit-picking yesterday - it's one of my favourite activities, and makes me ridiculously happy. A summer isn't a summer unless it involves at least two trips to a strawberry farm.
What - even if only for a little while - makes you think that the world is a pretty good place after all?
(
Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 11:54,
5 replies,
latest was 17 years ago)
StereotypesConfirming/Going against stereotypes...
Are ALL dykes evil? Are all corner shops run by our asian neighbours? Have you ever seen a small black cock?
Share.
(, Wed 30 Apr 2008, 20:21, 1 reply, 17 years ago)
Little victoriesIt's said that we need those little victories to get through life.
When the vending machine accidentally gave you two Dairy Milks for one, or that diamond line you thought of to get rid of that annoying cold-caller, or whatever it was that made your day, tell us!
(, Tue 29 Apr 2008, 18:49, Reply)
From the mouths of babesChildren are like little sponges. They absorb everything you say and repeat it at the most inappropriate moments. What have you, or children you know said to make nearby adults want the ground to swallow them up?
(, Sun 30 Mar 2008, 16:04, Reply)
What makes you 'Special'?My sister has an irrational fear of Donald Sutherland. The sight of people drinking milk makes me want to throw up.
We all like to pretend we are normal. However we all have little 'Quirks' that make us unique. So what makes you special.
(, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 13:59, 3 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
Personal BestSmall things for which you set yourself targets, and try to beat previous records.
For instance recently, on the day of my french oral, severe nerves in combination with a few bowls of healthy bran in the morning paved the way for me to smash my old record by blocking 3 toilets at college in a single day.
What have you quietly felt you surpassed yourself in achieving?
(, Wed 26 Mar 2008, 11:24, Reply)
Sit-com moments..."So there I was with my trousers round my ankles and a big dildo in my hand...and the vicar walked in!"
Ever found yourself in a real life situation that was so ridiculous it would not look out of place in a dodgy sit-com?
note: example made up for inspiration purposes...the vicar did NOT walk in...it was the milkman.
(
Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Sun 2 Mar 2008, 10:28,
2 replies,
latest was 17 years ago)
DreamsI once dreamt that I had to help a talking Kea get to his home in the London Underground.
An adventure followed involving a London underground station turning into a water rapids ride, a Neighbours character saving the day, and then said Neighbours character taking me to a Transylvania style castle.
What obscure, vivid, silly or just plain hilarious Dreams have you had? Have you ever had a dream you could have sworn was real? Have you had any dreams which have left you questioning your sanity (like above)?
(, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 15:18, Reply)
If you were PMWhat would you make illegal? And why? What imaginative forms of punishment would you like to see meted out?
It could be anything from people shouting into their mobile phones in the street to people picking really shit QOTW subjects.
(, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 12:30, 4 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
Look, I can explain...I was once caught by my Boss sat in front of a spectrophotometer, pretending it was a piano, whilst singing along to "I just called to say I love you" doing my best head swaying Stevie Wonder impression. It had seemed like a good idea three minutes previously.
Tell me about the time you've been caught doing something oh-so-innocent that has led to the conversation starting, "Look, I can explain..."
(, Tue 9 Oct 2007, 15:35, Reply)
Who's the biggest asshole you've ever met?I think I found mine the other day: only watched him for about two minutes but it was all pure a-hole gold.
Guy in a suit jacket, t-shirt and jeans gets off a busy train in rush hour, walks into the lift amidst a big crowd and pushes the button as he goes in, while there are still about 20 people behind him, making the doors shut on everyone. He then spies a guy with a golf club, strikes up a twatty conversation and says "It's either golf of women, am I right? Huh buddy?" The guy responds, "Actually my wife's a keen golfer." Silence, until the lift gets to the top and he pushes past a pregnant woman.
The dickhead even held up people even more by claiming the Oyster machine was broken, only to be told by a guard "You've got no money on your card." I actually stood and watched him be an asshole.
(, Wed 25 Jul 2007, 0:35, Reply)
Stupid ColleaguesA girl I once worked with asked me how to use basic HTML tags. That's fine - I've got absolutely nothing against people not being computer literate. But after I had painstakingly explained, nice and slow without using long words, how to put in a line break, talked her through the experience and gone back to my desk, thirty seconds later - THIRTY SECONDS - she had to ask me how to do a line break again.
The line break she'd just done was staring her in the face!
A FECKIN LINE BREAK!!!
Come on, I bet you can't do better than that.
(, Tue 24 Apr 2007, 13:47, Reply)
Children: Criminal MastermindsNone of my suggestions ever get picked, sniff sniff, but here goes.
When I was eleven I had to take £10 into school as a deposit for some field trip. Upon returning home I had to tearfully explain to my mother that I'd lost the money. Naturally she calmed me down by telling me it didn't matter and giving me a cuddle. Whereupon she spyed the WH Smiths bag clutched behind my back containing a computer game and a receipt for £9.99.
Arse.
What foolproof schemes did you come up with as a child, certain in the knowledge that no one would ever find out? And then how did you give yourself away like a total and absolute retard?
Please make me feel not so stupid.
(
Gleeballs is mostly made out of chocolate and hate., Mon 4 Dec 2006, 8:20,
Reply)
Rude rhymesI want to hear all about the rude rhymes/songs/poems you sang at school. Alternative lyrics made singing practice at primary school so much more bearable:
Daisy, Daisy, give me your tits to chew,
I'm half crazy, my bollocks are turning blue,
I can't afford a johnny,
A plastic bag will do,
So lie on your back and open your crack and I'll pump it into you
And as an example of six-year-old poetry there was also the masterful,
Zippy and Bungle in the jungle having a bit of fun;
Zippy felt silly, got out his willy, and stuck it up Bungle's bum
I'm sure you can do better than this... What gems did you come out with on the playground?
(, Tue 26 Sep 2006, 15:10, Reply)
Lifes burning questionsA friend of mine recently text me in the middle of the night to ask where Barn Owls lived before barns were invented. This question had kept her awake for a fair few hours. And we STILL dont know the answer. What questions plague/have plagued you and was the answer satisfactory?
(, Tue 27 Jun 2006, 15:12, Reply)
Retro Christmas Blow-OutNo one can be bothered with working properly over christmas, including setting questions, so we should have a retro christmas blow-out. A free for all where anyone can answer any of the old questions they missed out on. Obviously they wouldn't be added to the different questions, just sort of have a catch up week or two. Tell everyone to say which question they're answering in the title. It would look a little messy but finally stop everyone from complaining about the great answer they've just thought of for a question that was asked a year ago.
Go on, you know you want to.
(
Gleeballs is mostly made out of chocolate and hate., Thu 24 Nov 2005, 14:59,
Reply)
Inappropriate or Suprise NakednessWhen have you ever encountered (or created) nakedness in an unexpected place?
E.G. While I was doing a gliding scholarhip at an RAF base, one of the girls who worked ther wandered into the commanding officer's office to find him naked, one leg raised on his desk (fortunately for her, this obscured his manbits), admiring himself.
(
Noit happy baby orangutan, Sun 3 Apr 2005, 17:49,
Reply)
What is the most inaproprate place you have taken.a call to nature?
(
G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Wed 14 Jan 2004, 13:27,
Reply)
Have you ever played a gag on someone and had it backfiremaking you look like an evil cunt
(
Kris Fucking Kristofferson, Wed 14 Jan 2004, 13:09,
Reply)
what lies did your perants tell you?(
Happyperson, Wed 14 Jan 2004, 13:06,
19 replies,
latest was 5 years ago)
Terrible things that animals have done to you.Not just bitey doggies. Animals who have performed premeditated transgressions against you physically, and psychologically. Acts of malfeasance by excruciatingly cute animals, would be especially sought, mainly because the cuteness makes it all the more unexpected and sinister.
(, Thu 2 Aug 2012, 16:56, Reply)
Sure showed them!Tell us your tales of revenge, loved ones or bosses, school bullies or parents.
How did you get back at them?
(
girlinthehole, Thu 2 Jun 2011, 11:57,
6 replies,
latest was 14 years ago)
The best/worst thing I've ever eaten.I would quite like to see tales of food, amazingly good things that people have made, or really bad things. From Michalline Stars to Student Halls.... stuff that you've made yourself or eaten out.
(
G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Tue 12 Apr 2011, 10:06,
3 replies,
latest was 14 years ago)
"Nono, it's not for bumfun, she's just a bit tight",I blurted out as the cashier raised her eyebrow when my girlfriend and I were buying lube. We didn't last long after that.
What's the worst thing you've said in an embarrassed panic?
(, Sat 5 Mar 2011, 14:59, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)
He's behind me isn't he?There are few things in life that make you want to curl up and die as much as that cold feeling that creeps over you when you realise that the subject of your bitching is actually stood a few feet away, quietly taking it all in.
Tell us your cringe and 'I'll get me coat' stories.
(, Thu 3 Mar 2011, 8:48, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)
BizarreI was cycling to my mate's recently and out of a side-street shot a man in his 50s in a Dennis the Menace style 'cartie' and cackling like a loony as he did so.
What's the most surreal thing you've witnessed?
(
sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 20 Oct 2010, 12:33,
5 replies,
latest was 14 years ago)
NEVER going back?Have you ever done anything so bad/embarrassing in front of colleagues (office party?) that has meant you couldn't go back to your job through pure shame??
(, Sun 16 May 2010, 22:22, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)
Seemed like a good idea at the time…Back when I was a kid I decided to have a little swim wearing all my cloths in a reservoir near where I lived. Of course it didn’t occur to me at the time that my white polyester shorts and white cotton t-shirt would turn completely transparent when wet. As I trudged home everyone could see I was wearing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles underpants. I was fifteen at the time.
We’ve all said it or at least thought it as one time or another. That moment when you mutter those immortal words: “It seemed like a good idea at the time.”
Tell us your ‘seemed like a good idea at the time’ moments. Extra points for having someone shout: “Oi, turtle-arse!!!” As you walk past, leaving a watery wake as you go.
(
SpankyHanky, Tue 2 Mar 2010, 11:58,
Reply)
My biggest ever argumentI once got locked out of my house for a weekend because my then girlfriend didn't like the fact I owned Alanis Morissette cd's.
Tell us about your best ever arguments, rows, and barnies.
(, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 18:47, Reply)
I wish I hadn't done that...Many years ago, my missus had the misfortune to be chatted up, groped, then snogged by a midget. Somewhat surreally, she was dressed as Santa at the time and the whole scenario ended up with him lying on his back in the middle of the pub.
What have you done, that you later wish you hadn’t?
Minus several thousand points for ‘got married’.
If this is picked, Tourette’s will give the blow by blow unexpurgated version of events, I'm sure.
(
Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Mon 15 Jun 2009, 11:44,
3 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
Sick!This topic can be explored on many levels.
Vomit
Illness
Bad taste
I defy ANYBODY not to have a story to tell that involves sick in one form or another. I know I have loads...Probably too many for my own good to be honest.
Spill your guts.
(carrot chunks optional)
(
Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 16 Apr 2009, 12:13,
4 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
This one time, at Band Camp...Ah, the school trip. A large group of children, minimal adult supervision, and an unholy amount of sugary drinks can only end well. what happened when your parents entrusted you to the care of the school?
(
Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 11:58,
Reply)
Do the right thingHow about one of B3ta's rare feel-good questions?
Tell us about the times you did the right thing, when despite temptation you acted the better person.
The married woman you didn't sleep with, even though you wanted to.
The time you helped the lost old lady get home even though it meant missing out on a pint with your mates
The wallet you found and handed in with all the money still inside it.
Let's have a burst of goodness, a shard of light, a moment of virtue.
Failing that, tell us about the times you didn't do the right thing...I'm sure there are more of those stories...
(
scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 9 Feb 2009, 15:38,
2 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
deathWhen I 18, I tried to abseil down a huge stack of straw-bales using that thin hairy blue twine they use to hold the straw together. I wrapped the twine around my hand and lowered myself over the edge.
My foot slipped and I was left dangling with just the cord which had pulled tight around my palm, preventing me from plummeting the 25ft to the concrete floor of the barn.
Had I coiled the string the other way, it wouldn't have pulled tight and I would have burned my hand and then died.
Have you cheated death in spite of spectacular acts of stupidity?
(
sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 4 Dec 2008, 13:06,
2 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
The Great OutdoorsThere's trees, green stuff, and animals with four legs that eat the green stuff. There's also a multitude of things one can do in the great outdoors. Tell us what you've done.
(
crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 25 Nov 2008, 17:02,
7 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
Your "Frank Spencer" momentsAnd by which of course I don't mean the times you impersonated a lovable b3tan.
What household scrapes have you got yourself into which make for mirth inducing anecdotes?
Last sunday I was with a group of people who made the most mundane* of incidents sound so hilarious everyone in the pub was laughing. It's how you tell em. The more convoluted the better, and gestures are compulsory.
*OK, and some not so mundane. My mate Kenny, for example, who fell through a roof up to his armpits while waving a large sign bearing the words "Cheer up!" at the passengers on a passing train.
(
warmfuzzies Isn't here, Thu 16 Oct 2008, 14:17,
Reply)
The Ten Commandments & Seven Deadly SinsSo B3tans, which specific offences have you comitted that are most likely to upset (insert deity, religion or cult here)? Summarised as follows, in a manner probably guaranteeing me eternal damnation from at least 3 major religions.
1. Lust
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Sloth
5. Wrath
6. Envy
7. Pride
8. Innumeracy*
1. The (insert deity here) is the man. And don't you forget it. Idols are right out,too.
2. Wrongful use of the name of the Lord
3. Not honouring the Sabbath
4. Not honouring your parents
5. Murder
6. Theft
7. Adultery
8. Bearing False Witness
9. Coveting Neighbour's Property
10. Coveting Neighbour's Wife
11. Getting caught**
*&** I've done the obvious gags, so there.
Based on the above, I'm stuffed. Burn, baby burn....
(, Wed 20 Aug 2008, 11:03, 6 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
What a day...I'm sure most of us have had bad days.
Days where thing after thing goes horribly wrong.
You can often look back and laugh, so why not share your misadventures with the world (or at least b3ta).
In the space of 24 hours I once fell down the stairs, split up with my girlfriend, was made homeless, got into a pub brawl, had my wallet stolen and got my foot run over by an old woman on a mobility scooter.
Let's hear your stories.
(
Cawl, Wed 13 Aug 2008, 16:16,
5 replies,
latest was 17 years ago)
Being Wrong About StereotypesMe and a couple of friends were at the pub last night chatting nonsense, when we see a skinny whippet of a lad, more gold on him than Tutankhamun's death mask, and walking like he's carrying a couple of carpets under his arms walk across the floor, whilst holding hands with a similar looking chavette (well, it seemed that way).
We immediately start wondering aloud why idiots like that are allowed to breed, let alone come into our pubs. Imagine our surprise when he approaches the bar, and asks the girl what she'd like to eat. She turns (and we see her face for the first time) and we are shocked to see that she appeared to have severe learning difficulties, and was being helped.
This lad that we'd been looking at like something we'd stepped in only a few seconds earlier was actually a carer for this young lady, as we discovered when we walked around the corner to find a group of about 5 helpers, and a group of special needs adults.
Just shows we judged too quickly, and I for one was very glad to be proven wrong.
When was the last time you were proven to be wrong, and been glad about it?
(
Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 25 Jul 2008, 15:45,
Reply)
Heard in passingTwo birds getting into a taxi, and as the door closes I hear, "And anyway, it turns out it was stuck to me pubes".
What's the best line of conversation you've heard in passing?
(
Turquoise Hexagon Sun has just dropped acid on, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 23:42,
4 replies,
latest was 17 years ago)
How I gained my confidence.What gives you your confidence? Where does it come from?
Or if you have no confidence, let the QOTW group-huggers inspire you to start your journey of self-discovery.
(
mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 23:07,
Reply)
Insider knowledgeA mate of mine is in 'Big Pharma' and knows a lot of stuff they don't want you to know. Ibuprofen gel doesn't actually work. (Really, ask a pharmacist.) Most cough medicine is a placebo too.
Do you know something that not a lot of other people know? Trick of the trade? Dirty insider secret? Spill the beans!
(, Wed 28 May 2008, 0:28, Reply)
a sexual fantasy that you made realdid it live up to the fantasy? are you unable to ever look yourself in the mirror again? in hindsight, was it a bad idea to involve her mother? do those tiny scatch marks on your headboard bring back embarrassing flashbacks of that cross dressing midget?
ah, the memories...sigh
(, Tue 20 May 2008, 12:08, 3 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
not enough soap in the world to get me cleanwhat have you done that made you feel dirty ?
(
willenium Fist bump for verification, Thu 8 May 2008, 19:47,
1 reply,
17 years ago)
Pyrrhic victoriesWhere victory comes with a price - for example, when I was much younger, I convinced my mother I was ill to get a day off school. All well and good, but she removed my TV and computer so I 'wouldn't strain my eyes.' Therefore I spent the entire day sitting in my bedroom bored out my skull, and having to cough convincingly every time she walked past the door.
When was the last time you won, but also lost? Or where the cost of winning outweighed the victory? Do tell all
(, Sat 26 Apr 2008, 17:06, 1 reply, 17 years ago)
Loosing attention.I was sat in the pub the other day and was watching the waitress running around trying to give someone their dinner. But no one was claiming it. After she had gone and took it back to the kitchen I realised.. Oops it was mine!
Have you started pushing someone elses trolley around the supermarket? Tried to get in the wrong car? Turned up at work with your shirt on inside out? What stupid things have you done whilst your attention wasnt quite on it?
(, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 11:41, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
Jim'll Fix ItDid Jim fix it for you? Were you a scout on a rollercoaster, covered in milkshake?
If not, did you write to him? What did you write? Are you all bitter for being ignored?
What would you ask Jim to fix for you now?
(, Wed 26 Mar 2008, 10:52, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
Nightmares/weird dreamsOk there's enogh of us out there let's have it!
(, Tue 25 Mar 2008, 20:59, 1 reply, 17 years ago)
Everday I wake up and I take my medicationAs discussed in the recent London mini bash, it's quite probable that many QOTWers are on some form of prescription drugs. I once had to take some hardcore tablets that listed very colourful side effects including "hair loss may occur; regrowth may be curly".
From Vicks Vaporub to barium enemas, tell us your best medication stories.
(
crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Sat 8 Mar 2008, 16:43,
2 replies,
latest was 17 years ago)
i got rid of them by...reminded by Enzyme's grandad's brick - how do you get rid of those unwanted cold callers?
(, Mon 18 Feb 2008, 15:55, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
Most pointless training course.....
I work in financial services (hey, someone has to) and every two years every single employee has to attend mandatory training sessions. Most are fairly useful - or at least you can see the sense of them - but the most patronising has to be the Fire Safety course.
Basically it's supposed to take half an hour - if you're a very slow reader it might - and you sit there being told the bleeding obvious. If there's a fire, get out. Set off the alarms on the way. End of. If you can't figure that out for yourself, you probably shouldn't be out unaccompanied anyway.
What's the most pointless training you've had inflicted on you? Even more worth telling if you were simultaneously patronised (pictures of fire extinguishers ffs!).
(, Wed 13 Feb 2008, 14:22, 1 reply, 17 years ago)
Getting away with it...I once didn't get nicked because the distracted copper searcing me only checked one shoe, when the other shoe contained a prison-worthy stash.
What have you got away with that you really, really shouldn't have?
(, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 13:46, 1 reply, 17 years ago)
Stolen from VICE magazineWhich celebrity would you assassinate and how?
(
browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 11:51,
1 reply,
17 years ago)
OCDWhile playing Lego with my mates 3 year old this week, I built him an Aeroplane out of the assorted bits in the box. It was fantastic. He loved it. (no, there were no lego aeroplane kits in there, just bits of houses and fire engines etc)
The wife enquired why it took me so long, and I took so long with choosing each block.
My answer was "it needs to be symetrical so I have to choose the colours carefully".
What are your OCDs?
(
ogwen69 has returned from Reddit, Sat 9 Feb 2008, 1:41,
2 replies,
latest was 17 years ago)
QOTW RatingHow about being able to vote just how WANK this week's QOTW is? Then if there is enough common sense we can have something funny interesting and worth reading instead.
CLICK HERE if you think this QOTW blows chunks.
:P
(
b3tz, Fri 8 Feb 2008, 15:20,
4 replies,
latest was 17 years ago)
Your law...Murphy's law states that anything that can go wrong will go wrong.
Monkeon's law states that the speed someone swims is inversely proportionate to the amount of swimming accessories they are wearing.
Thus, someone in a cap and goggles at the pool will generally be the one blocking up the whole lane by going so slow in the mistaken belief that such accessories make you go faster.
Monkeon's theory of Stereotyppery states that the louder someone talks on a bus, the more likely they are to be a stereotype of some kind.
What unproven theories does everyone else have?
(
monkeon schmonkeon, Fri 8 Feb 2008, 14:00,
2 replies,
latest was 17 years ago)
HallucinationsWhile speaking to a friend recently he told me he'd just recovered from a particulary nasty virus whereby he was so ill he started hallucinating and thinking his carpet was on fire and he'd become a sumo wrestler.
This sparked much reminiscing about weird hallucinations we'd had after taking magic mushrooms at uni.
I'm sure lots of you have seen some weird things while under the influence...?
(, Fri 8 Feb 2008, 12:47, Reply)
Starting to worryIn IT, my little brother had to make a spreadsheet that needed to have a list of random names. According to him, everyone else in the class used names of celebrities, whilst he went on the crimewatch website and used names of sex offenders.
When have you ever started to worry about someone after a certain incident? Or more apropriate for this site, has anyone started worrying about you?
(, Mon 28 Jan 2008, 18:33, 3 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
rudenesswhat is the rudest you've ever been to someone/had them been to you? my friend rebeccaslicker was once horrified to be addressed over the counter by a customer in the estate agency where we worked at the time, who attracted her attention by yelling:
"oi you. come here you little shit!"
charming...
(
rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 20 Sep 2007, 9:55,
Reply)
TALES OF CUSTOMER SERVICEWe have all had to take on crummy jobs from time to time, and those who say "There is no such thing as a stupid question!" have obviously not worked in customer service!
Among the classics, such as "Do you work here?" (no, I just wear the uniform for fun!) and "Is this for sale" (no, we just keep that around for our amusement!) I have been asked some really dumb and stupid questions in my time.
Surely you can do better?
(
Squiggy Alloria makes theme parks., Sun 9 Sep 2007, 11:39,
Reply)
I'm still not over it....From a discussion in the pub it appears I still haven't got over the fact that my mum threw out my vintage Millenium Falcon when we moved house. Thirteen years ago. What have you still not got over??
(, Sun 10 Jun 2007, 1:28, Reply)
whilst looking around for a bit of work i stumbled across this:Seeking Erotic Fairy Tales
Far be it from me to suggest that you lot are dirty perverts, but let's get those creative juices flowing!
(
new_matt, Tue 5 Jun 2007, 12:03,
Reply)
Secret secretsThink of your deepest darkest most revolting innermost secret that you would never ever tell anyone else not even for a Blue Peter badge or a Curly Wurly or anything.
Then tell it to all of us!
I'll tell you mine* if you make this the QOTW...
* it's AWFUL
(, Wed 25 Apr 2007, 14:16, Reply)
Been reading......the few in this week's QOTW about management-speak bullshit - otherwise known as 'Witless crap that your bosses say to sound smarter than they are. And fail.' - oh my, but I hate that shite, but I've refrained in this QOTW because it's blatantly off-topic.
Please, fucking please do one of these - I've got loads of bile to spray about the place on that topic ;)
(, Tue 24 Apr 2007, 12:56, Reply)
I've never smoked anything in my life and tend to point out the fact often (even though I know no one cares)I also take my coffee black, and take the piss with people who put sugar in theirs (or buy iced coffee)
What little things are you (or someone you know) unashamedly snobbish/elitist about?
(
AgentMuu hentai coordination, Fri 20 Apr 2007, 16:19,
Reply)
Red MistThere are so many things that happen to me on a daily basis that really, REALLY get on my tats. Yesterday, I was walking across a pedestrian crossing outside a station when someone drove up without slowing down. He slammed his brakes on and gave me the international 'wank' sign.
Next thing I know, I find myself kicking this bastard's car at full whack, trying to open his door, and screaming obsenities that would make a docker faint.
His face was a picture - I think he'll drive more carefully in future. The looks on the faces of numerous train passengers ranged from outright disbelief to sniggering joviality; depending on age, sex and social class.
When was the last time you completely lost the plot?
(, Thu 4 May 2006, 8:44, Reply)
SecretsWrite about something that you promised to never tell anyone. Ever.
(, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 13:54, Reply)
Free stuffShort and simple: What's the best thing you've ever got for free?
(, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 16:52, Reply)
What really gets on your tits?I don't mean the obvious stuff, I mean bizarre little pet hates that get right up your nose but don't seem to bother other people.
My no. 1 at the moment is grown women who attach little fluffy toys to their rucksacks. Makes my blood boil, it does.
(
Biffins Bridge, Tue 22 Mar 2005, 20:21,
Reply)
Tell us about your bizarre injuriesSomeone out there in b3ta land *must* have broken something intimate.
(
Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Wed 14 Jan 2004, 13:12,
Reply)
Rough boozers.Lots of opportunity for hardmanning and humiliation with this one.
(
Pig Bodine., Wed 13 Nov 2013, 11:18,
Reply)
Job interview disastersTell us about a time you heroically titted up an interview. Alternatively, tell us about the time you interviewed a mewling spasmoid with no discernible skills.
(, Mon 4 Nov 2013, 11:00, 1 reply, 11 years ago)
Foot in the mouth moments.Tell us your tales of when you've been a total spastic and said exactly the wrong thing to/in the presence of the wrong person.
(
BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 11:23,
6 replies,
latest was 13 years ago)
Get off my lawn!I went to see The Dark Knight Rises a few days ago, and ended up with a teenager sitting next to me. After 15 minutes I was tired of seeing his phone backlight turn on as he texted, so I used the torch feature of mine to put him in a spotlight until he put it away. What minor infractions frustrate you more than they should?
(
Ungersven would support SpankyHanky's patreon, Thu 2 Aug 2012, 17:13,
2 replies,
latest was 13 years ago)
Cringe.Do you occasionally look back at events in your life and have a little shudder at how you used to be? Remembering the time you tried to dress up as a 10-year old superhero with your pants outside your trousers? Or perhaps making a drunken fool of yourself in front of a teen heartthrob? Or have you witnessed something that made you feel bad on behalf of some poor oblivious fool? Spill the beans.
(
Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Thu 2 Aug 2012, 14:07,
4 replies,
latest was 13 years ago)
SCIENCE.There are b3tans who work at CERN, and others who've not done anything scientific since school. Either way, labs and other Places of ScienceTM offer hours of funnicking about with explosives, poisons, and expensive equipment.
Tell us about science, and your (mis)adventures therewith.
(
Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 19 Jul 2012, 11:11,
Reply)
My neighbour is a right knob-head. Is yours?Since we've been at our house, our aging neighbour has planted plastic flowers in neat rows and covered half his front and rear garden in huge pots with little sticks angled to stop animals from dumping in their soil.
In his latest land grabbing scheme, he's putting his bin out the back of OUR house and installed even more potted trees at the back of his. Every time our toddler goes to bed, knob-head fires up one of his many petrol-powered garden tools to fire leaves and shit away from his turf.
I'm formulating retaliation plans, but what do your wanky neighbours get up to?
(, Thu 26 May 2011, 15:00, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)
The best/worst thing I've ever eaten.I'd really like a food related thread, tales of student style eating... or the other way 'round, tales of pure decidance.
(
G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Thu 26 May 2011, 11:21,
3 replies,
latest was 14 years ago)
EccentricsWeve all probably experienced them in our day to day life meanderings.
We may even be one of them.
From the guy who sits on the pavement outside the library who tries to grab your hand and order you to take out anything by Hemingway or die ignorant, to the old lady at the end of your street who always wears a big straw hat covered in fake flowers all year round.
Tell your tales of eccentics you have known
(, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 2:55, Reply)
Drunk ParentsWhen I was little, every sunday afternoon my dad would return home from the working men's club and start doing the 'telly dance'. This consisted of him swaying drunkenly in front of the TV (the rest of us were trying to watch the Eastenders omnibus), whilst eagerly telling us about how he nearly bought a jack russell terrier off a gypsy for a fiver, or such like.
What do your parents get up to when they're drunk?
(
NotDavidBailey isn't all that sure that he is?, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 13:31,
Reply)
VideogamesWhen I was much younger, I was working on a driving game for the PSOne. As a result of end-of-project crunch I was regularly driving home along dark country roads at about 3am after finally finishing work, whilst sleep deprived after yet another day of manipulating pretend futuristic vehicles around a circuit at speeds in excess of 300 KPH.
Driving in this bizarre mental state was not in the slightest bit safe, and I can now attest to the fact that there are significant handling differences between made-up cars and a knackered Metro. A Metro can't drive on walls, for example, though I did come perilously close to forgetting this on one occasion.
My best mate once claimed to have dreamt he was a Quake server. Not playing Quake, mind, but being the server. Spawning power-ups for the other players and keeping score. I've dreamed Bejewelled on more than one occasion.
How have videogames affected you?
P.S. Also, I almost punched aforementioned mate in the face once over a game of Soul Blade. But in my defence, he was unfairly abusing the Ring Out mechanic.
(, Fri 18 Feb 2011, 12:57, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)
I've not suggested this since August. Fourth time lucky?Volunteering:
"Yeah, OK, I'll give you hand." Ever regretted saying that?
Ever volunteered to spend time with dying kids in a hospice?
Were you forced to sing for the old folks at Christmas?
Did you spend six months in a primary school in Nigeria?
Have you helped clear out a pond, lay a hedge, fix a footpath?
Have you had to become an 'intern' just to get on the job ladder?
Tell us all about it.
And this is the VERY last time I volunteer to suggest a decent question...
(, Thu 30 Dec 2010, 14:28, Reply)
Halloween mishapsLast year I took my 3yr old daughter out on her 1st Halloween trick or treat walk.
When one old lady in the halloween spirit opened her front door in a witches costume and shrieked loudly, my daughter promptly wet herself, all over the doorstep.
(, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 11:11, Reply)
Spontaneous Stupidity?Edinburgh airport, queueing to get through security before embarking on a journey to South America to visit the in-laws. Very busy, there are a couple of hundred folk slowly ambling their way through those cloth rails that make you go up and down the room several times, kind of like....no, no, must resist, the wife will kill me, there are guys with guns for pete's sake... too late.
BBBBBBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! - my best sheep impersonation. Several strange looks, a few tuts and a kick in the shins but then... an answering MMMMMMMEEEEEEEEHHHHH!!!! from somewhere else in the room, followed by a couple more before it died away.
I'm 43 this week.
Your stories?
(, Tue 12 Oct 2010, 14:18, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)
Yesterday was officially the longest dayWhat was your longest day?
It could be a nightmare day from hell that dragged interminably on, or happy sunkissed fun times that you thought would never end, or something else altogether where you lost track of time, good or bad.
(
shinyshinyscalp less a man, more a way of life, Tue 22 Jun 2010, 16:23,
2 replies,
latest was 15 years ago)
Health and SafetyMy team has recently moved into a different office.
No problem, we rolled up our sleeves, got ourselves and our stuff moved into the new building and carried on as usual. That would be the end of it you would think.
Alas no!, My department has become infected with the plague of Health and Safety.
Since moving into our new office we have had to do the following.
1. Read and understand a 20 page A4 booklet on how to sit at our desks (including diagrams showing posture etc)
2. Fill out a 7 page form confirming we have read the 20 page booklet.
3. All our old chairs were condemed as unsuitable, so we ordered a job lot of 8 new chairs from the "approved" chair supplier.
4. Our chair order was cancelled by H&S on the grounds that we had ordered 8 chairs which were all the same and that "we are all different body shapes!".
5. We now each have an individual appointment with a H&S representative where we will be assesed for our seating needs and recommendations made as to what we should order.
This is just the chairs and desks.
I have been told my monitor is too far away from my eyes and I must have it closer by some 20 cm, We must have thicker blinds installed as the ones currently in place are too thin and could allow too much sunlight in thus making an eye hazard. I have been reprimanded for using a mouse without a mat, and my chosen position on the floor for my bin may be a trip hazard FOR A BLIND EMPLOYEE!!!! we have no blind employees and I am sure if we did that they would manage to avoid said bin which is in the corner of the room!
Our plants have been banned as a potential source of parasites and our mini fridge has been ordered to be scrapped as it has no PAT test certificate!
Our posters have been ordered to be removed or "correctly affixed" to the walls as blu tac is apparently not good enough and a poster falling, after a tragic blu tac failure may injure someone passing!
WHere have the elf and safety brigade gone too far with you?
(
RadG Drinking Mojitos in the sun, Sat 1 May 2010, 18:33,
2 replies,
latest was 15 years ago)
the most pointless argument i ever hadone time, my ex girlfriend woke up in the morning, and was in a bad mood with me. now this wasn't particularly unusual per se, only this time, she was mad because she'd had a dream where i was being 'nasty' to her. so due to the transgressions of a pete that only existed as a night-time brainfart, i was being forced to apologise for myself! absurd. what's the weirdest/most pointless argument you've ever had?
(, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 12:33, 12 replies, latest was 15 years ago)
Picked twice in a row, going for the hat-trickI had been friends with the girl across the road since we were both 5. When we were 13, we were walking across an overgrown field/meadow on the edge of town when we started play-fighting. She got me to the floor and pinned me. "Ha!" she said triumphantly, but then I managed to roll and ended up pinning her. Rather than trying to push me off, she wrapped her arms and legs around me and pulled me down onto her but I managed to wriggle free.
Some months later, she admitted that on that July afternoon, the hot sunshine had made her horny as hell and sexy things were going to happen, but my innocence had secured my virginity for another 4 years.
Tell us about your missed opportunities.
(
sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 31 Mar 2010, 11:39,
1 reply,
15 years ago)
Re- occuring dreams/nightmares or just weird dreams/nightmares you have hadre-occuring dreams/nightmares are better though. It gives us an insight into to your warped minds.....:D I used to have the same nightmare for years when I was very young, we moved house and they stopped, as if by magic. They were bad to say the least and resembled, even at that young age, Japannese horror movies :(
(, Mon 15 Mar 2010, 9:38, 19 replies, latest was 15 years ago)
Pathological Liars part 2In all seriousness, I'd like to see this QOTW make a comeback. The stories in the last one were top notch and we all know a Billy Bullshit. This kid I was at primary school with played in a pipe band and was a well known bullshitter. One of his astounding claims, made when he was around nine or ten, was that the words 'dick', 'cock' and 'dickhead' came into popular use in the area due to the band he played in.
A Scottish amateur pipe band. A notoriously foul mouthed musical genre I'm sure you'll agree.
Another guy I know made outlandish claims- he'd picked up Japanese just by 'reading some books'. Japanese books. With no accompanying translation. Also claimed to speak French, so I asked him what the lyrics to Plus De Liaisons by Tindersticks meant.
I have No More Affairs by Tindersticks. His 'translation' bore no resemblance whatsoever.
Bullshitters! Tell us your stories of outrageous lies and vainglorious posturing!
(, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 0:01, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)
Health & Safety Gone WrongHaving recently been forced to sit through a fire safety presentation at work I now know that 1) being set on fire is bad for you 2) jumping out a fourth floor window is detrimental to your health and 3) running round flapping your arms like an effeminate penguin screaming “Fire! Fire! Fire!” in a shrill Julian Clary voice is not very helpful in a burning building situation.
Health & Safety is important. But fuck that, tell us about your brushes with Health & Safety Gone Wrong. Nearly killed a passerby when you set up your own scaffolding? Ever drunk the contents of one of the unmarked bottles under the sink? Sneaked off to the pub during a random fire alarm at the office? You get the idea.
(
SpankyHanky, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 16:52,
2 replies,
latest was 15 years ago)
Cultural Learnings.Exchange students. Pen friends. Schools will come up with all kinds of schemes to turn us into hyper-cosmopolitan linguistic genii.
How did it go wrong in your case?
(
Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Mon 22 Feb 2010, 9:48,
1 reply,
15 years ago)
what moment from your life would you most like to have captured on filmmy shower went mad this morning - showered me with scalding hot water
which caused me to jump straight through a glass shower cubicle wall - which disintegrated into a million little glass cubes
yet i got away with only minor cuts on by body and fairly bloody feet
i wish i had some slow motion video footage of it
EDIT: suggested by mickyS
'Can we wish for portions off other people's lives to be on film?
I can think of a few choice moments.'
(
spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Fri 29 Jan 2010, 14:53,
6 replies,
latest was 15 years ago)
I'm so ashamed to even know me...In the interests of becoming more assertive, I just got very angry and huffy at a call centre operative. I've spent years being a doormat, and I wasn't going to stand for any of his fob-off excuses...
Until about five minutes into the call, after about three incisive questions from the really nice Irish man on the other end of the line, it transpired that it was completely my mistake, and I'm probably too stupid to even use the Internet, let alone shop on it.
I was so embarrassed, I completely turned tack and became all nice and simpery, thanking him for his time and apologising for being a tit. I could just hear him thinking a few choice epithets at me.
The thing is, I've worked at a call centre. I know what they go through, and how fuckwitted customers can be.
Reader, I am ashamed.
Make me feel better - tell me what you've done to show yourself right up.
(
b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 10 Jul 2009, 11:49,
2 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
Working AbroadWhether it's been a month, a year, a decade as an expat, tell us your horror/happy stories about working abroad!
(, Wed 1 Jul 2009, 11:14, Reply)
ManagersManagers are a useless plague that has befallen every form of work place, and they seem to think that they are god and their word is law, you even get managers to manage the managers who are managing the normal staff, they also seem to have a strange outlook on what everyone else should do.
so tell us your storys of these strange useless creatures.
(, Tue 26 May 2009, 13:03, Reply)
Erotic fan fictionEver since reading those Kriss Akabusi sex stories I've been trying to think of a few of my own; sometimes involving Anne Widdecombe and Jack Straw.
Pick a mundane subject to write some (wrong) erotic fan fiction.
(
M3rx likes the Asian ladies, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 16:11,
2 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
On my very first trip to Amsterdam.........I walked out of the airport and took a taxi to the city centre. I walked onto the main plaza and saw a dead body covered with a white sheet, smeared in blood, the armed response unit crawling the area and a TV crew filmed me, tried to interview me and broadcast it on Dutch TV. Turns out, within one hour, I'd walked straight into the aftermath of a violent diamond heist.
Have you ever walked in on something you shouldn't have?
(, Mon 2 Mar 2009, 19:08, Reply)
IronyMy cousin just sent me a message saying that the person in front of her just dropped dead when shopping at the till. She said she felt bad though as she'd just bought a 'bag for life'.
What the most ironic thing that's ever happened to you?
(
Turquoise Hexagon Sun has just dropped acid on, Sun 1 Mar 2009, 22:39,
1 reply,
16 years ago)
Superstitious clothingA mate of mine always claimed to be wearing his "lucky boxers" whenever he pulled on a night out on the town. One evening he gets propositioned by a gayer and upon further inspection my mate discovered his pants were on back to front, thus reversing their powers.
Tell us about your clothing superstitions and the power they wield.
(, Tue 27 Jan 2009, 16:15, Reply)
It seemed like a good idea at the time.That last drink which resulted in a monster hangover.
That time you and your other half thought a bit of outside love would be kinky, before you realised it was -3 outside and there was actually an old man having a wank in a bush while watching you.
What seemed like a good idea at the time, but in retrospect really wasn't?
(
wanderlust, Wed 7 Jan 2009, 21:27,
1 reply,
16 years ago)
Let B3ta be your agont auntGot a problem? Share it with Auntie B3ta, and let the filthy denizens cheer your spirits with a range of useful, witty answers.
Or just be ridiculed on a public board. It'll be fun for the rest of us.
(
LemonEntryMyDearWatson This time, Moriarty, the hand is on the other foot, Fri 14 Nov 2008, 9:16,
Reply)
What's the funniest story you've ever been told?Or that you've told to someone else?
After all of last weeks abuse, let's lighten the mood a little, and make each other chuckle once more.
Bring on the good times....
(, Tue 21 Oct 2008, 22:14, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)
Things you did when you were stupid.Kids are such annoying little cunts. Sometimes you just want to pull out a chainsaw to shut them up. But no matter how much you hate kids, it is pathetic to hide that you were once like that. What stupid things have you done when you were a kid to really piss everybody else off?
(, Tue 21 Oct 2008, 2:56, 1 reply, 16 years ago)
FFSYears ago, I remember sitting down to watch Armageddon. I thought it'd be a good flick - Bruce Willis from Die Hard was in it, so that's usually a good start.
Didn't anyone in Hollywood attend any science classes at all? I lost count of the number of times I said "for fuck's sake..".
What incredulous bollocks make you utter FFS?
(
sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 30 Sep 2008, 12:03,
8 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
The language barrierWhen I was a teenage vegetarian visiting my Pa in Hong Kong, he took me to a restaurant and accidentally told the waiter that I eat children. The guy looked horrified until he realised that he actually meant vegetables.
Another time my Grandmother was visiting him and met up with his Wife's Ma in the street. Meaning to say 'good morning' she cheerfully bellowed "dog's cocks!"
What bloody stupid things have you ended up saying or having said to you because of language barriers?
(, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 8:36, 1 reply, 16 years ago)
SkillsNot what you're qualified in, not what you've been on a course to learn how to do necessarily, but what have you picked up along the way that you've made your own, what can you do that your friends and Family bow down to your greater expertise for?
(one of mine is mixing the finest gin and tonics, given the right materials)
p.s. and obviously the sex, although not with Family of course...
(, Wed 20 Aug 2008, 20:57, Reply)
OCD...Ok, maybe a bit over the top, but we're all obsessed by B3ta to keep coming back here every day/week. What other obsessive little habits or rituals do you have?
(
The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 10:32,
3 replies,
latest was 17 years ago)
What have you done to yourself in the pursuit of physical perfection?Most of the girlies and some of chaps on here probably do the whole superfluous hair-removal thing - waxing, shaving, epilating (ouch!)
Many of us have dyed our hair, some have even had some cosmetic surgery.
Tell us your tales of beautification...and maybe I'll tell you about the Hollywood I had done in Hollywood....
(
chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 29 May 2008, 15:04,
1 reply,
17 years ago)
LSDAlbert Hofman, who accidentally discovered LSD in 1938 died today aged 102. In memorandum, what are you most interesting/horrific acid stories?
(, Wed 30 Apr 2008, 23:22, 4 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
BANNEDHave you ever been banned from a bar, school or country?
If so, what's the story behind it?
MY STORY
I was banned from my local pub because the barman thought I was my brother. The previous week, my brother had stood up for my mum when she complained about not being able to hear the pub quiz questions. I knew none of this until I too was banned.
(
Mr Gear the gay-maker, Fri 28 Mar 2008, 12:59,
2 replies,
latest was 17 years ago)
Where Were You Then?Inspired by this thread
Where were you during recent tragedies? Were you having a wank when you found out about Diana? Were you pissed off that 9/11 made CITV cancelled? Tell us where you were during History's most spectacular moments.
(, Sat 22 Mar 2008, 13:07, Reply)
DisillusionedI used to have quite a positive outlook on life - I used to believe there was some good in everyone.
Then I went to work in Customer Service. And after arguing with someone for 1 hour about a 20p charge on their bill, having to patiently explain to someone how to turn a mobile phone on, and being called a cunt more times than I care to count, I have come to the conclusion that the human race are a shower of bastards.
When were you last disillusioned? Perhaps you've just found out Santa Clause doesn't exist, or your wife's having an affair with your mother. Whatever - share your pain...
(, Wed 12 Mar 2008, 23:32, 1 reply, 17 years ago)
The Most Deviant Sexual Act You Have Done/RequestedRonseal
My ex once asked me to drive into town and pick her up after she had been out clubbing. I said ok but you got to let me piss on your tits
And she said yes.
(, Wed 13 Feb 2008, 18:53, Reply)
The Most Beautiful Thing You Have Ever SeenWhat was the most beautiful thing you've ever seen?
Perhaps it was the first smile of your baby son or daughter, or your team winning an important match.
Alternatively it could have been those fantastic Jimmy Choos.
Or that amazing arse you peeked at in the showers at the gym....
(
chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 6 Feb 2008, 18:05,
Reply)
the funniest thing you've ever seeninspired by this funny but mean event that tickled me this morning in the horrid weather...
... which was the tiny little chinese tourist gentleman in front of me with a giant umbrella. it was an unequal contest. first it blew him over, then it dragged him along the road for a bit, then it escaped altogether and headed off into the traffic... he was so wet and upset but it was bloody funny.
(
rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 31 Jan 2008, 11:49,
Reply)
Little things that freak you out.We've had "Little things that turn you on", but what freaks you out? Not the big stuff, life, death etc, but the small everyday occurences. For example, for me, it's men doing yoga. I don't know why, but for some reason, really bendy men engaged in a downward facing dog (*) makes me a bit queasy. It's not rational, but there you go. What makes you a bit, well, icky...?
(*) A yoga pose, not a reference to gymnastic bestiality.
(, Tue 8 Jan 2008, 19:20, 1 reply, 17 years ago)
Pathological Liars/ Caught out on a LieI recently busted my mate who claimed to have supported the Kaiser Chiefs in 2001 by mentioning that they weren't even called that back then. Have you bumped into any massive liars, or been cuahgt out in a massive lie yourself?
(, Wed 21 Nov 2007, 15:33, 1 reply, 17 years ago)
Very superstitious, writing's on the wallDespite the legions of b3tans being super-intelligent, uber attractive planetary elite, do any of you have any illogical, preposterous superstitions that you just can't help but adhere to?
Has anything happened because you haven't done some pointless ritual before doing something?
Is your superstition a lovable quirk? Or do you dive head-first into full-on OCD?
(
Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Wed 14 Nov 2007, 15:07,
1 reply,
17 years ago)
The age of chivalry is not quite deadI have oft been accused of being a gentleman by those who know me well. One example of this was an occasion where I took a lady out one evening, funded her drinks and then declined her amorous advances upon returning home on the grounds that she was drunk and I wasn't.
What acts of courageous chivalry have you taken part in which make you wake up the next day and think "Oh fucksocks!"?
(, Thu 20 Sep 2007, 12:07, Reply)
Last Ditch EffortApparently in the Air Force guys are trying to get kicked out by pretending they're gay. One guy actually sucked his sleeping roommate's dick. The military's response?
"Nope. Sorry, we don't believe you're actually gay."
So now he's not only still in the military, but everyone knows he's the guy that sucked a dick and it didn't work out.
Tell us about your last ditch efforts. Did they work out or did they fail horribly?
(
intesvensk can't recall when I last checked the newsletter, Sat 8 Sep 2007, 14:07,
Reply)
Workplace gossipWorkplace gossip is great, isn't it?
At mine, everyone is talking about the new girl is in love with my supervisor who looks like a garden gnome.
Also, the new boy with BO may or may not have a crush on me.
What drama is unfolding at your workplace at the moment?
(, Sat 8 Sep 2007, 13:46, Reply)
A fine romancewhat is the most stupidly romantic gesture you have ever made only for it to be thrown in your face/ back fire hideously?
me personally I took my then girlfriend to New York, and proposed to her on the viewing deck of the Empire State Building but instead of an engagement ring I presented her with an $800 dollar pair of shoes, she was shoe mad!
her response, she didn't like them in that colour. Needless to say the realationship did not last much longer.
A mate of mine burned his bedroom out lighting candles and jossticks to set the mood.
there must be thousand of romantic disaster stories out there......
(, Wed 5 Sep 2007, 12:02, Reply)
Universal pleasuresI'm willing to bet that everyone (and I mean everyone) who reads this will have once in their lives grabbed a dog by the two front legs and done a little waltz with it.
What are the things that everybody - regardless of gender, ethnicity and social status - enjoys?
(
Willmot laid a scotch egg, Sat 7 Jul 2007, 11:57,
Reply)
I heard a rumourI was once on the receiving end of a particularly vicious kick in the plum in the school playground, and a rumour went round that I'd lost a bollock as a result.
I wouldn't have minded quite so much had I not been accosted by my mother as I emerged from the bathroom one morning a few days later for an unexpected "short arm" inspection.
"Just checking they're both still there" she said.
Have you ever been the victim of outrageous rumour?
(
Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Wed 13 Jun 2007, 11:51,
Reply)
What do you want to know?I've always really wondered what guys do if they have to piss with an erection. What have you always wondered about the opposite sex, but never had the opportunity or the balls to ask? (Hopefully we'll get some answers, as well)
(, Mon 4 Jun 2007, 7:23, Reply)
Ever been waaaay out of your depth in foreign places?I'd just moved to the continent and met a group of new mates with whom I went out on the town with, along with a cool American girl.
We were all having a great time when our drunken unofficial tour guide took us to an underground club. We walked in and all the others kind of disappeared into the crowds, leaving just me and the American girl. We ordered our drinks from the bar as I commented there were an awful lot of skin heads about in one place (kind of hoping it was a gay pub so I could pull).
Me and the girl walked round the corner only to see... a huge banner in a foreign language with lots of exclamation marks and two giant swastikas. I'm gay. She was black. She just looked at me and held my hand and said, "Get me out of here. Now. I can't be here."
So we put down our pints and headed for the door as I clenched my fists ready for a fight I knew I couldn't possibly win. We ran out of the door and laughed nervously all the way home.
When I caught up with our friends later, they were really angry for disappearing as they'd been really worried. Turns out it was an ANTI - Nazi rally. Oops. Time to learn the local language.
(, Wed 2 May 2007, 19:45, Reply)
ComeuppanceEver seen or been someone truely and completely getting what they deserve?
Or were you the one dishing it out?
(, Mon 13 Nov 2006, 11:39, Reply)
The worst thing you have ever witnessed.My brother and mate are hiking in brecon, mate is walking on a little way ahead when he comes to a bothy (those little stone cottages for hikers). Reaches the door, pushes it slightly open and sees to walking sticks against the wall. So he assumes there is others there. As the door swings fully open he is confronted with the site of two grey haired sixty year old blokes, one standing on the bench, only wearing a pair of walking boots, whilst the other one is chowing down on his cock like a champion. He actually pulled it out of his mouth and said 'oops'. Oops? My mate turned and made an extremely swift exit. Pass me the mind bleach.
(
DumbMonkey The penis mightier than the sword, Tue 25 Jul 2006, 16:12,
Reply)
Your ex -- is he or she sad, eccentric, criminal or downright scary?
My several exes cover all these qualities, and more.
All will be revealed in good time.
(, Sun 16 Apr 2006, 19:34, Reply)
Appalling Human Behaviour in PublicWhat's the worst, most unbelievable thing that you've seen another human being do in a public place?
e.g.:
This weekend in the shop where I work a perfectly normal looking customer asked if we had any toilets because his toddler badly needed to pee. We told him we didn't, whereupon he flew into a rage and forced his daugter to piss on the shop floor in front of the tills, to the stunned amazement of staff & customers alike. He then stormed out of the shop dragging his distraught child with him.
That sort of thing.
(, Mon 9 Jan 2006, 10:59, Reply)
work monkeys........I have the misfortune to share an office with a woman who can best be described as a 'slack-jawed ninny'. Or possibly 'mind-numbingly trivial jibber jabber dullard.'An example of her intelligence and vivacity is best illustrated by her asking a colleague what the difference between under and postgraduate meant, despite being employed by the University for the last five years. Possibly acceptable, until you consider she asked me the same question the previous day and wrote it onto a piece of paper so she wouldn't forget. This women is on the same pay scale as me! aaargghhhhh!
Anyhoo - this is my fate when pretending to earn a wage.....workplace goons - who do you have to suffer in silence with?
(apologies for length but its a cherry-popper....)
Gar! She has just asked me whether I would class Bangladesh as in India or Pakistan. It's quite hard to explain about independent nations through clenched teeth......
(, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 17:10, Reply)
Useless memoriesWhat are the most useless things you have cluttering up your head? For instance, I can remember the words to the 'Marathon' (before it became 'Snickers') ad jingle from the late 70s: "Marathon - peanuts and caramel! Marathon - comes up peanuts, slice after slice!"
Why do I squander brain cells (I can also remember all of the lyrics to the theme from the Dukes of Hazzard)on this sort of info when I desperately need them to remind me to pick up catfood and a loaf of bread on the way home?
What useless memories bung up your cerebellum?
(, Tue 15 Nov 2005, 19:39, Reply)
Office pranks...What's your best quick and dirty office prank? Like a strip of sellotape holding down the switch on someone's phone. You ring them and they answer but the phone is still ringing. Or the more rebelious bluetacking the receiver to the base so they lift the whole phone up when they try to answer. Tell us yours, let's jolly up the office!
(, Wed 7 Sep 2005, 13:09, Reply)
The pikiest thing you've ever seenIn Stourbridge a few months ago I witnessed two pasty teenage girls with hooped earrings, tracksuits and scrapebacks skulking in an alley and arguing loudly about who got the next turn sniffing the tippex.
What is the scabbiest, chavviest, most scrubberly behaviour that you have ever been party to?
(, Tue 30 Aug 2005, 16:31, Reply)
Secret things I do which make me uncoolYou want everyone to think that you're one of the cool ones. Only people won't be impressed when they discover that you...
(, Wed 15 Jun 2005, 9:01, Reply)
Schoolyard NuttersWhen you were in grade school, did you share class with a strange kid - or maybe YOU were the strange kid! Tell us your strange tales from school
I cannot tell a lie, I saw this on SomethingAwful
(, Tue 14 Jun 2005, 7:05, Reply)
Cringeworthy MemoriesEvery now and again, I do something. Then I go away and cringe.
Examples range from the time I was caught - age 12 - stealing porn mags from under my brother's bed BY my brother to the time I was caught drunk and making prank calls - by the MD no less - to my arse of a flatmate from an office I no longer worked in.
What are the memories of things you have done that make you cringe and think "oh what a prick?"
(
dr goodthrust, Fri 13 May 2005, 10:57,
Reply)
World's Dumbest People.I work in a hardware store.
To date, I have had to deal with:
The budding genius who wanted me to find the white paint for him. He was standing in the white paint aisle surrounded by the stuff.He then asked me if it was alright to use Kitchen and Bathroom Paint above his bath, since "it gets a bit wet there".
A man who buys an 8 foot by 4 foot piece of MDF and *forgets to take it with him*. These were just the worst.
Who do you see as living proof that the gene pool needs a few more gallons of chlorine in it?
(
Labmonkey last thought about having another coffee on, Wed 27 Apr 2005, 21:44,
Reply)
TipsWhats the most useful day to day survival tip you could give anyone, none of all that emotional "be yourself" bollocks, like the ones from BBC 2's trade secrets crossed with Ray Mears or something.
(, Thu 24 Mar 2005, 9:54, Reply)
What would you have on your gravestone?(
mike woz ere 7442200 & 7696970 getter, Tue 31 Aug 2004, 23:57,
Reply)
Where's the most interesting place youve had a wank?
Mine was in the tearoom at work, nobody else was in there so i got away with it! =)
(, Sun 25 Jan 2004, 15:19, Reply)
How about the best April Fool's gag? (by you or someone else)Like the time I was driving through Sheffield on April 1, listening to local radio, when this guy came on describing the wonderful new traffic lights that change to green when you sound your horn.
Half the city centre must have been woken up by that sound (it was 5am at the time) and I think it was later reported that the station had about 2,000 complaints from pissed-off motorists.
Honest.
wiggy.4t.com
(, Mon 19 Jan 2004, 13:55, Reply)
What is the.....stupidest thing you've done to injure yourself?
In other words, am I the only person who decided to use my hand to see exactly how hot my oven was?
(, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 18:09, Reply)
What's thebest school prank you ever played on a teacher/pupil?
(
Christian Bale of Hay in a field, Wed 14 Jan 2004, 21:22,
Reply)
Whats the weirdest coincidence thats ever happened to you?What is the oddest job you've ever had?
Have you ever had a comedy moment with a celebrity?
(
Lynxkitten, Wed 14 Jan 2004, 13:32,
1 reply,
16 years ago)
DogshitIt gets everywhere, stinks to hell and carries germs.
What's your worst dogshit story?
(
Smallbrainfield, Wed 14 Jan 2004, 13:25,
Reply)
Richard mcbeef anecdotes.He bought me a pint once. What's he ever done for you?
(
Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 29 Oct 2015, 13:04,
Reply)
Shit claims to fame.I've been bought a drink by top fridge enthusiast Terry Waite and was once, for approximately a quarter of a second, in an episode of 'Lovejoy'.
(
Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Sun 16 Sep 2012, 18:12,
4 replies,
latest was 12 years ago)
plan your perfect funeralwhat do you want for your last big day? what music would you have? would you get a spring-loaded coffin sp you could pop out and shit up the mourners? tell us. it's not legally binding, but it could be a good way to get your last wishes out there
(
Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Wed 25 Jul 2012, 16:58,
Reply)
Bad PornThe chattering classes won't shut up about Fifty Shades of Grey, and it appears that there's money to be made in bad pornography (a small village in the Austrian Tirol).
Write some bad porn, true or otherwise.
The Aristocrats!
(
Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 5 Jul 2012, 11:02,
Reply)
Great lies to tell small children.I was so proud when my sister reported to me that my eldest nephew on his first day at school had informed the class that sheep grow from the flaxen, woolley seeds you find in sheep fields.
Let's have some more lies you've enjoyed telling children for your own amusement.
(
Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 6 Oct 2011, 12:22,
Reply)
Developing bROKEN aRROW's idea below,How about a week where one is allowed to answer any of the old QOTWs if it was missed the first time around, only thought of a story after it ended or only joined B3ta after the QOTW finished.
The only rules being -
a: No reposts allowed.
b: The QOTW title must be the subject so we know what it's about.
(
sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 15:26,
3 replies,
latest was 14 years ago)
Write a letter to a 16 year old you....What would you like to tell yourself? What advice would you give yourself if you could go back in time?
Inspired by this: www.lettersofnote.com/2011/01/dear-sixteen-year-old-me.html
(, Wed 2 Feb 2011, 9:29, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)
Random Acts of KindnessOkay, so this is a complete rip off of a recent BBC news story but i throught it was brilliant.
Tell us about random acts of kindness dolled out to you by strangers, randoms or anyone else whose happened to give an unexpected fuck.
link to initial story: www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-12122809
(
lucosade is counting down the minutes until, Wed 12 Jan 2011, 15:52,
1 reply,
14 years ago)
Saturday Nights before boooze and internetsI was always aware of the special relevance of Saturday night when a nipper, indeed all the adults used to get quite excited by the prospect, even those that were still pissed from a Saturday afternoon in the pub watching sports. But before getting drunk or using the internets, what did Saturday Night mean to you?
(Comics, coffee with lots of sugar and listening to tapes of the top 40 for me)
(
Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Wed 20 Oct 2010, 17:09,
Reply)
What old me would like to say to young meMy god the pain and heartache I could have saved myself and others if I hadn't been *quite* such a twat sometimes; the things I could have seen and done, the dead ends I wouldn't have fallen into.
Old me would very much like to take young me outside and give young me a serious fucking kicking for turning so much potential into so much beige. What would old you like to tell young you?
(, Sat 18 Sep 2010, 15:22, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)
I've not suggested this since MarchFourth time lucky?
Volunteering:
"Yeah, no probs. I'll give you hand." Ever regretted saying that?
Ever volunteered to spend time with dying kids in a hospice?
Were you forced to sing for the old folks at Christmas?
Did you spend six months in a primary school in Nigeria?
Have you helped clear out a pond, lay a hedge, fix a footpath?
Tell us all about it.
And this is the last time I volunteer to suggest a decent question...
(, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 21:26, Reply)
This is a suggestion for Question of the Week BOARD, not an actual QOTW:A B3ta book of Question of the week.
I can't imagine it hasn't been suggested or maybe simply harvested by an unscrupulous publisher, but there is some absolutely cracking stuff on here - great writing, great stories, which anyone with a robust sense of humour can enjoy.
Take say 15 topics, and print the top 10 stories in each?
What are your thoughts, peep-hoes?
(
Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 26 Jul 2010, 9:46,
5 replies,
latest was 15 years ago)
Zombie planWe all know it's a matter of time until the rotting mother in law tries to eat us
So what would you do if zombies suddenly arose, and do you think you'd go quickly/make it forever?
(BONUS POINTS for annotated diagrams)
(
Trogdos The Raging Cuntmuffin, Mon 5 Jul 2010, 21:18,
2 replies,
latest was 15 years ago)
Overreactionas I have just told off topic in tedious detail, my 7 month old son pulled hot chocolate over himself yesterday in a cafe - had this happened at home, he'd have been held under a cold tap, then calpol-ed up, before I cleaned up the mess.
As it happened in public, no less than 4 police officers and an ambulance were called, along with every first aider within a 2 mile radius. For what amounted to a bit of hot chocolate staining his trousers and no visible wounds. One of the police officers photographed the table from all angles and called it a 'crime scene'.
when did you last encounter a massive overreaction?
(
ascorbate, Wed 19 May 2010, 13:37,
Reply)
Caught red-handedA few months into our teenage relationship, we began to get somewhat amorous on her kitchen floor. (The future) Mrs Sandettie slipped a leg out of her jeans and we made like the beast with two backs. However, her dad walked in.
How have you been caught red-handed? Be it scrumping for apples or found standing over your partner with a meat cleaver as they lay on the floor in a growing pool of claret.
(
sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 11 May 2010, 11:04,
2 replies,
latest was 15 years ago)
Smugging it up.When have you felt totally smug about something? Teacher said you'd fail class? Did you pass and go back and say "In yer face, bitch!"? Did some guy not go out with you and then you married a hot, rich lawyer bloke?
Everyone's had a total smugness moment - tell us yours!
(
Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Mon 19 Apr 2010, 0:52,
Reply)
Gifts of FailJust got off the phone from the Mrs. Told her I’ve sorted a night out over Christmas for the both of us down on the Southbank. Got the impression she’s expecting dinner, candles, champagne… What she’s actually getting is the opportunity to watch Avatar at the Imax. Don’t think she’ll find aliens and big fuck off guns particularly romantic (even though they are in 3D on the biggest cinema screen in Britain). Might have to sort out a meal pretty sharpish or risk losing my sex privileges.
It’s that time of year again. Ever got a tubby girlfriend an exercise dvd, accidentally mixed up the boxes and given your mum a dildo? Ever been given a big box of gay porn by your best mate that you’ve stupidly opened round Christmas lunch in front of your extended family? Tell us about your dodgy Xmas gifts of fail.
(
SpankyHanky, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 16:48,
Reply)
Cock UpsI once failed to meet some people I was going on holiday with for the flight. Because I'd accidentally gone to the wrong airport.
What have you cocked up quite monumentally?
(, Wed 4 Nov 2009, 15:55, Reply)
A woman scorned....Men - What have you done to incurr the wrath of women? What acts of retribution have you seen previously timid ladies dish out by the bucketload when the line has been crossed?
Girls - What have you done to wreak revenge on someone who has wronged you? What stirred you up so much that you could not keep your inner-evil bottled up any longer?
We want to know...
(, Thu 8 Oct 2009, 13:02, Reply)
The most stupid and yet amusing way I have injured myself(there are numerous stories, but this one is best I feel) is this: I was walking along the landing in my house. I went past my girlfriend who was bent over looking at something low down. Naturally, I spanked her across the arse with the book I was holding, but followed through the swing way too much and hit myself in the eye with the spine of the book, really quite hard.
Both hilarious and painful for all involved.
Tell us your stories
(
Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 7 Oct 2009, 16:42,
2 replies,
latest was 15 years ago)
IncompetenceTell us about people's total lack of ability in a particular field. Or your own, of course.
(, Thu 24 Sep 2009, 12:19, 1 reply, 15 years ago)
Run like fuck!We've all done something stupid or childish the only immediate reaction to was to scatter and hide.
What did you do that you had to run away from very fast?
(, Thu 20 Aug 2009, 11:44, 1 reply, 16 years ago)
ShowoffsI witnessed an incident at lunch time today which prompted this suggestion.
Some underage (he looked about 14) little scally tried to pull a wheelie on his piece of shit dirtbike in the pouring rain.
Predictably, the bike slid out from underneath him, he landed on his back and the bike slid down the road, narrowly missing a car.
I tried to suppress a smile (honestly).
Tell us your tales of daring demonstrations that ended up with you or someone else looking like a complete prat.
(Sorry if this has already been a QOTW)
(, Fri 17 Jul 2009, 15:12, Reply)
Being inspired by moviesDriving at 88mph to see if you go back in time?
Standing at the front of a ship with your arms wide open in the wind?
Running up a beach screaming firing guns?
Refusing to let your bus driver go under 50mph?
Have you ever been so inspired by a film that you've attempted to recreate it, or had it affect your life in some way? Tell us about it.
(, Fri 10 Jul 2009, 12:46, Reply)
belly's gonna get youIn stark contrast to the usual b3tard stereotype, some of us make frequent use of our gym memberships.
Naturally, being a b3tan means that haplessness usually occurs. So far I've broken three exercise bikes and two running machines in pursuit of endorphine nirvana, not to mention concussing myself, grazing my knees and most distressingly, bruising my testicles.
What pitfalls have you had to endure in pursuit of the body beautiful?
(, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 10:33, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)
What's the most outrageous lie you've told on Question of the WeekYour answer must include 'getting the last laugh' 'picture the scene' and 'that was his first mistake' and should end with you having sex with someone.
Bonus points for austism and linebreaks.
(
WormuIus, Wed 13 May 2009, 16:11,
3 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
BetsDid you break the casino in Las Vegas playing keno? Did you win a packet of twenty fags from your mate at school for getting your cock out in maths class?
Surreal, dangerous, rude, crude, or just downright fucking idiotic.
Tell us about your betting achievements and disasters.
(
SpankyHanky, Fri 1 May 2009, 15:19,
4 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
Embarassed by childrenMiddle Aged ladies magazines like Woman's Own and Woman's Realm, always have a section for "cute things kids say".
Well what about the mortifying awful things kids say that embarrass you to the point of stuttering.
(
Roland E O'Dorant R Tape loading error, 0:1, Sun 22 Mar 2009, 0:16,
1 reply,
16 years ago)
Stories in the SkiesWe've had a QOTW about airports. But what about some tales from the top of the world?
Did you join the mile high club?
Did you have any weired passengers or crew?
Did they show Final Destination as an inflight movie?
Did your plane crash?
Share your in-flight experiences!
(, Mon 9 Mar 2009, 12:25, 1 reply, 16 years ago)
Bizarre sex dreamsEver had a sex dream about someone you shouldnt? A friend's girlfriend, your cousin, the creepy neighbour down the road?
Tell us your disturbing tales!
(, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 15:15, Reply)
Getting from A to BI can't drive. There's been many occasions when getting from A to B has thrown up weirdness. Like the time I hitchhiked from Edinburgh to London and had to pretend to be German all the way because the lorry driver hated the English so much and would've tossed me out the cab otherwise.
What are your experiences of getting from A to B ?
(
SpankyHanky, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 12:53,
1 reply,
16 years ago)
The One That Got AwayShould you be with someone that you're not with... due to circumstances / cowardice / being a tosser on your first date / shagging his or her best friend after a drinking spree(etc.)?
Tell us your hilarious, heartbreaking and/or maudlin stories.
(
MisterPunch did it that way on, Sat 28 Feb 2009, 12:55,
2 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
Teachersthe weird and wonderful stories of the people who helped you become the person you are today. Or, your own experience of teaching somebody
(
The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Tue 24 Feb 2009, 11:39,
Reply)
Broken BritainOld ladies being mugged left, right and centre. Knife and gun crime soaring. And now 13 year old dads. We're all sick of The Sun and The Daily Mail telling us about it, but what are your experiences of the apparent shocking state of the country today?
This is the inspired by the following incident I had the joy of witnessing while on the circle line yesterday...
There I am, heading home from town after watching the football, nice and relaxed on the tube listening to my ipod, when this proper be-tracksuited 'rudegal' from the deepest, darkest estate in london (i'm guessing) boards the train with her 8 or so year old daughter. After a stop or two she got a little bit upset because no one would offer her 8 year old daughter a seat, and decided the best way to deal with the situation was to go completely mental at everyone in the carriage, right infront of said 8 year old daughter. Even threatened to stab one poor chap who tried to calm her down, but not before repeatedly telling him to 'suck her pussy', of course.
I really really love london sometimes.
Would make for a somewhat more depressing QOTW than usual, but at least we might actually get a few true stories for once!
(, Mon 16 Feb 2009, 9:09, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)
MacGyver MomentsAt one point or another I'm sure we've all had to fall back on our basic ingenuity (or lack of it).
I once managed to drop my car keys down a drain. I could see them, so I improvised a crude fishing line out of my house keys and my boot-lace.
Which I then managed to also drop into the shitty, filthy water.
Bollocks.
(
Cawl, Thu 22 Jan 2009, 12:11,
Reply)
Everybody loves a happy ending...Come on, it's Christmas! Let's hear stories that have a happy ending!
It could be about anything - for instance, some cockwad at work was a total dick to me recently...and guess who later found themselves in the toilet cubicle next to mine with no bog roll...begging me to help them out?
Spread the love with tales about how everything has turned out alright in the end.
We could all do with some cheering up.
(
Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Tue 23 Dec 2008, 14:30,
1 reply,
16 years ago)
Ive got the ....... real badGot the blues? the shits? the horn? the shakes? the fear?
What you got, and why?
(, Sat 20 Dec 2008, 16:27, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)
Self centrednessI am convinced that my mother-in-law is the most self-centred and paranoid person in the known universe. She genuinely thinks that anything that happens anywhere is connected to her, and that everyone conspires against her behind her back.
She had a cctv security camera fitted to her house and would watch people go by all day. Literally. The driving instructor living down the road who got his pupils to do 3-point turns outside her house? Done because he fancied her, obviously. The woman who went past twice a day to walk her dog? Obviously a lesbian who fancied her.
Tell us about self-centred people you know.
(, Wed 3 Dec 2008, 22:36, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)
Foreignersare always funny. I'm currently a foreigner (Brit living in America) and reduced my colleagues to tears of laughter the other day, when I made a mistake writing something in pencil, and innocently asked for a rubber. (which, for the uninformed, is an American word for condom). It's ok though, I point and laugh whenever they talk about spanking someone's fanny.
what cultural mistakes have you made? when have you been lost in translation? what crazy foreigners have made you laugh?
(
ascorbate, Tue 25 Nov 2008, 14:52,
Reply)
Drunken acquisitionsInspired by The Grammar Badger's post...
After a particularly heavy night out, I managed to smuggle a potted cactus out of the pub in my jacket pocket. I then spent the rest of the night picking its spiky defences out of my left nipple.
What odd items have you stolen while out on the razz?
(
Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 12:01,
3 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
house party madness!we have all thrown/ been to houseparties before.
have you ever thrown a party in the parental gaff while they are away??
stories of smashed windows, finding people in places you shouldnt
have you found anything interersting after cleaning up the carnage (i found 3 bottles of beer, 2 bottles of wine and 2 bottles of half full vodka)
theres always one person who gets spectaularly pissed and does something stupid...
any visits from members of the emergency services?
do tell all
(, Sat 8 Nov 2008, 13:10, Reply)
The best year of your life and the worst year of your lifeWe had this discussion at work yesterday, and it was quite interesting to hear what other people had to say.
(
Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Thu 30 Oct 2008, 14:46,
Reply)
Things you've overheardA while ago I was at the swimming pool and I overheard a man telling his friend about his change of diet.
"Well I've stopped drinking beer and started drinking wine"
"Is wine better for you?"
"Well it's got to be, it's made out of grapes innit"
(
Mrs Entity is in hiding., Wed 15 Oct 2008, 22:55,
Reply)
middle of the roadThese suggestions are almost exclusively filled with drugs, depravity, bodily fluids, births, marriages, divorces, and death. this however is ostracising us qotw'ers who are, in reality, dull old cunts.
so..
what's the most searingly mundane thing you have done? the more staggeringly normal the better.
I once knitted a doily, fuck you all!
(, Wed 8 Oct 2008, 16:07, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)
Learning to driveCome on, there must be some good stories out there...
One time, I was driving down a fairly normal bit of road near where I live. I was doing about 60mph, and coming up to a junction when someone pulled out and cut me up.
Now this is something you have to learn to expect, so I wasn't too fussed. My instructor, on the other hand, was. So he leaned out of the window (pretty effective as he's about 6'7"), made the "wanker" sign and bellowed "KNOBHEAD!".
The look on the other guy's face was priceless...
Looking back, my instructor was great...
(
Hdjejjwsjdjjf LOOK, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 15:04,
1 reply,
16 years ago)
What have you done in your life that people can't do nowadays?For example:
- Sat in the cockpit of an 747 as a kid
- Rode my pushbike, without a helmet, at the age of 8 by myself all around the neighbourhood.
- Took a pen knife to school
- Built a potato rocket launcher in school physics class
- Made numerous recipes from that classic "The terrorists handbook"
And prob much more, once I think about it somemore.
(, Wed 24 Sep 2008, 23:13, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)
Feral Youths and their Stupidity.A friend of mine encountered a group of neds on a night out in Edinburgh. He'd been at a fancy dress party and was dressed head to toe in leopard-print getup.
Sidling past a group of neds, they start to give him abuse.
"Hey paaal, see that hat...
...
Maks ya look like a fuckin' zebra!"
He stifled his laughter for fear of a kicking.
What has been your most memorable experience with the stupidity belonging to the feral youth of today?
(, Sat 13 Sep 2008, 15:18, 1 reply, 16 years ago)
Underqualified coworkersSo simple, so common, so irritating. What cluelessness have you endured at work?
(, Thu 11 Sep 2008, 12:44, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)
Conspiracy TheoriesWith the release of the new 'X-Files' film, the world will no doubt be awash with brainless morons proclaiming, "Yeah, man, it's so true - the government's been covering up aliens for decades. You just gotta open your eyes, man"
So, tell us your own personal conspiracy theories. Maybe the postman is reading your mail, or the next door neighbour's dog is stealing your thoughts. Share your paranioa with the internet.
(, Thu 31 Jul 2008, 15:56, 5 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
Things you've said that make you a bad personI once said of a girl who had cancer (she had successful chemotherapy which got rid of it but had the usual side-effects):
"I'd still do her. In fact, you could do it from behind and slap her round the head."
Ticket to Hull etc.
(, Tue 29 Jul 2008, 21:32, 1 reply, 17 years ago)
Little ChallengesMy morning journey to work by bike is fairly tedious now I've been doing it for two years. To add to the drama I try to get there without using my brakes.
I've managed it twice now (in two years), but the satisfaction in achieveing this tiny little challenge was orgasmic; the failure reassuringly frustrating and disappointing.
I know a girl who tries to catch lifts without breaking stride or changing her pace, reaching a sexual climax whenever the lift doors close satisfyingly behind her.
What petty little challenges do you set yourself in order to drag yourself out of the monotony of your daily existence?
(, Fri 25 Jul 2008, 9:37, 1 reply, 17 years ago)
The Time I almost diedB3tans are a dangerous, hard-living bunch. Tell us about your brushes with the grim reaper.
(
BadBadman saw an incorrect comma placement on, Wed 23 Jul 2008, 18:51,
Reply)
Friends ReunitedDescribe school reunions, finding old frinds online, or even chance encounters. Did you pair up with / get off with your secret crush? Did your new-found confidence enable you to say what you wanted to your former bullies? Or did you feel depressed because they did better than you? We want to know.
(
mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Thu 17 Jul 2008, 21:08,
2 replies,
latest was 17 years ago)
Pointless ArguementsArguements you have had that were totally pointless that nearly caused WWIII.
Example, my mother and father once argued for about three days about whether or not there was such thing as a shrewmouse.
They eventually drove to the library to find proof.
They divorced.
There is such a thing.
(
Peej, Thu 17 Jul 2008, 9:59,
3 replies,
latest was 17 years ago)
Stupid arguementsLast night, me and the missus had a blazing row over which way up a collander should be stood on the drainer after it has been washed.
What's the stupidest thing you've argued about?
(, Tue 15 Jul 2008, 11:44, 3 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
Tenuous claims to fameIn what way are you kind-of-sort-of-maybe-almost-famous?
(, Sun 13 Jul 2008, 11:47, 1 reply, 17 years ago)
Unfortunately I can't take credit for thisbut within a thread I noticed Oneinthepink suggested a "B3TA Room 101" QOTW. I'm sure there's plenty of things you B3tards would like to see banished to oblivion...
(, Wed 25 Jun 2008, 10:04, 4 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
Silly exam answers.In exams, theres always at least one question that we can't do, so we just write what ever comes to our heads, or maybe we write about something inappropriate.
Last week i was asked something similar to "Why do ammonoid suture lines become more complex through evolution?"
I replied "improved fashion sense"
Which you probably won't get.
(
Cae1, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 4:15,
1 reply,
17 years ago)
ReligionWhat are your views and experiences on religion and spirituality? Do you believe in the resurrection and the holy ghost or do you believe in the erection and the ghostly holes? Does a 'holy' book justify flying planes into things? Is rubbing Buddha’s belly more your thing? Is New-Age stuff better than Old-Age stuff? Do you think that something's out there but you’re not quite sure? Or do you just think its all a load of old bollocks? Are your beliefs based on science or magic? Do you have respect for other people's beliefs or do you think yours are the one and only? Please let it all out.
Helpful hint: Instead of flaming people, try asking them thought-provoking questions instead. Also, restrict your preaching to your own posts and only use the reply button to discuss other people's posts.
(
mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Sat 17 May 2008, 17:09,
3 replies,
latest was 17 years ago)
Wankered again so....................The beginnings of the 10 commandments according to Captain Placid.
1/ What goes on tour, stays on tour
2/ Thou shalt not talk about weed club
3/ Thou shalt not go to tesco with money in your pocket and the munchies
4/ Thou shalt not poke the payroll
5/ If thou shalt covet thy neighbour's ass, let's hope it's a woman
6/
etc, etc.
So guy's and gals, what would yours be?
No apologies if this is a pearoast, I'm too stoned to check.
Have fun!
(, Tue 13 May 2008, 23:33, 1 reply, 17 years ago)
Cringe-worthy eroticaHave you ever been sent some erotica that was so bad you felt embarrassed for the author? Have you written something and years later; think, "Did I really write this?" Or have you read something that involves such a 'unique' fetish that you just shrivelled up inside? Please share these 'masterpieces'.
(
mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Mon 12 May 2008, 23:23,
3 replies,
latest was 17 years ago)
Public TransportMost of us have to use it, and from my experience most of us hate it. For instance, I got scowled at, and actually growled at, by a bus driver just because I didn't have the ridiculous amount of change he wanted as the fair.
What rubbish experiences have you had?
(, Thu 17 Apr 2008, 0:08, 6 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
JackanoryJust tell us a story. Start with "Once upon a time", end with "happily ever after". Thems the rules.
(
crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 21:55,
Reply)
InventionsPost your invention ideas here.. I thought a toothbrush that dispensed toothpaste thru the bristles was a good idea . . no-one else seems to
(, Sun 13 Apr 2008, 19:15, 1 reply, 17 years ago)
All b3tans are liarsas Epimenides might have said. Post your stories - the more outrageous and outlandish the better - and we'll use our QOTW-honed powers of deduction to work out if they're true or not.
(
crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Sat 12 Apr 2008, 11:08,
3 replies,
latest was 17 years ago)
Viva la revolucionWhat's your idea of how the revolution will be carried out and what will happen afterwards.
(
mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Tue 1 Apr 2008, 22:17,
1 reply,
17 years ago)
Fictional characters you'd like to be...And why?
Films, TV, books, comics, videogames... anything.
(, Sat 29 Mar 2008, 22:15, Reply)
Ooops - should've read the instructions first.....
There could be a lot of possibilities, surely.
Electrical items connected up wrong, the joy that is flat-pack furniture, not noticing that the new designer t-shirt (or whatever) says hand-wash only.
Just for starters, I once built a wardrobe upside down (don't ask) and turning it the right way up in a small space was no picnic I can assure you. I also ruined a new top my hubby bought by lobbing it in the tumble drier (still, it fits me nicely now, so not all bad).
(, Sat 29 Mar 2008, 14:46, 1 reply, 17 years ago)
The Trousers of TimeOne way of looking at time, at life, is as a series of t-junctions, both in terms of the decisions you make and what the Universe throws at you. Which trouser leg did you go down, what was down the other leg?
(, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 17:53, Reply)
Snow!We've been promised snow in the UK for a while but have been rewarded by only a precipitating slush.
Post your snow stories. Snow is fun.
(, Tue 25 Mar 2008, 0:28, Reply)
in the hope that the b3ta uberlords actually read this QOTW suggestion page, how about....School stories. Everyone has school stories, some good, some bad, some funny, some sad.
Surely its got to be better than the last two/three QOTW's
Click 'i like this' if you agree!
(, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 16:42, 1 reply, 17 years ago)
jury duty.I just went through a two week jury duty. Not sure if many people on here have, but it would be interesting to hear stories about different experiences.
(
postal ninja has Transmissible spongiform encephalopathies, Tue 18 Mar 2008, 11:59,
5 replies,
latest was 17 years ago)
Incriminating Photos.Whether it be a drunken weekend gone wrong, pictures of an ex or something just plain daft...
what incriminating photos do you have on your camera phone or digital?
(, Sat 15 Mar 2008, 11:08, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
Over-reactionsCause and effect are not always equally balanced.
Have you ever been in a situation where you've flown off the handle, where the smallest thing has pushed you over the edge, Buckeroo style, or have you been on the recieving end of a mighty tirade for the smallest of reasons?
(
Cawl, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 11:16,
Reply)
Chivalry gone wrongEveryone has a story about how the most well intentioned chivalrous act went horribly wrong.
I myself once kindly volunteered to buy a young lady's pile ointment, much hilarity ensued.
C'mon Chthonic, pick this one...
(, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 9:51, Reply)
War storyshow about some old school real war storys my grandad used to say "when you shoot some one with a flamethrower aim for the backpack they explode" i nodded my 9 year old head in awe
(, Wed 5 Mar 2008, 11:15, Reply)
EuphemismsIt occurred to me in these days of free and easy language how many new and exciting terms have been developed for special girl and boy places and associated functions or pastimes. Bonus points for originality and way out crypticism (I hope that's a word or I may look foolish!)
To start you off I present: Pearly population paste.
(
number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Wed 13 Feb 2008, 15:55,
Reply)
Dirty HabitsI have terrible habits, what are your worst or which ones do you know about?
Everyone pees in the shower right?
(, Thu 7 Feb 2008, 1:41, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
Bastard colleaguesYou've all known one. The brown-nosing fucker, the 'comedian', the office drunk, the gossip and of course the weird one with no mates who goes bell ringing, looks like Mr Majika and sports a monks haircut (and is a woman).
(, Thu 17 Jan 2008, 12:35, 5 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
I just wanted the ground to swallow me upWords from my honeymoon that will stay with me forever:
"Sir, if you're going to keep being sick you'll have to move to the back of the boat, you're spraying the other passengers"
When were you last really embarrassed?
(, Fri 16 Nov 2007, 9:20, Reply)
Life changing momentsI've just found out that my girlfriend of two years is 5 weeks' pregnant.
I am 28, and possibly one of the most happy go lucky chancers you are ever likely to meet. The closest I have previously got to parenting was looking after my pet hamster Earl when I was 8, who died after an unfortunate incident involving a tin of lychees.
As the news was broken to me yesterday, and I desperately clung onto my pint of Stella to stop myself fainting, I could only be certain of one thing and one thing only. Namely, that my life was never going to be the same again.
What are other people's out of the blue, knock you for six, all-time life changing moments?
(, Fri 2 Nov 2007, 16:39, 1 reply, 17 years ago)
Did you actually just say that?" oh look at that ... theyve put windmills on the beach to blow the wind back out to sea..." is just one of many quotes I heard uttered from a female I know... what rediculous quotes have you heard the other sex mutter in total confidence they are correct...
(, Wed 24 Oct 2007, 16:11, 1 reply, 17 years ago)
VoyeurismHave you ever accidentally seen something intimate and private and... well... ended up watching? Or found that others had been watching you? Tell all!
(
Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 11 Oct 2007, 12:20,
Reply)
The Geekiest Thing You've Ever DoneI have transcended the realms of geekiness into enlightenment. Dan (flatmate) and I were getting a pizza, and we could have gotten two 9" ones for £9.99 or one 15" for £7.99. We worked out the surface area of the 9" one to be 63"sq and the 15" to be 188"sq, meaning we'd pay £4.98 for 63" compared to £3.98 for 88", and therefore decided to get the 15" one.
What's the geekiest thing you've ever done?
(, Tue 2 Oct 2007, 18:54, Reply)
Social ineptitudeWe're all b3tans, therefore we are all geeks, therefore we are all socially inept. We must have some great stories.
I know I have. Like, this one time, I saw a female acquaintance out of the corner of my eye and for a split second, thought she was a bloke. And I thought it would be funny to tell her that.
(, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 10:05, Reply)
qotw suggestionthings that u have got stuck in your body?. . . .
i once got a spoon wedged in the roof of my mouth. took me a minute of panicing and about 30 seconds to remove! what fun
(, Wed 25 Jul 2007, 12:29, Reply)
Innapropriate things to say when you're trying to be politeOr something like that...
With B3TA in mind I was casting my mind back to funny/sick things that have happened ...
Some years ago while my sister was still a respectable married lady, she was out with some mutual friends for a posh meal. At the time she was about 4 stone overweight and had just started desperately trying to diet, and was moaning about her (then) skinny hubby, how much he could manage to eat without putting an ounce on, whereas she was starving but to no avail...
'I just don't understand it' she cried 'I think that every night when I'm asleep he's pumping his fat into my ass!'
Cue stunned silence shortly followed by choking on prawn cocktails...with my sister looking around asking desperately 'what? What? What are you all laughing at?!!?'
she so didn't get it...
Hehehe...I love my little sis
(
curvylittlegoth heard the voices in your head on, Mon 25 Jun 2007, 22:52,
Reply)
Your Greatest PranksHave you ever witnessed a great prank?
Tricked your mates? Have you ever been a victim of a great prank? We want to know, please do tell.
(
Squiggy Alloria makes theme parks., Wed 6 Jun 2007, 22:16,
Reply)
Mental Images You Could Do Without - I second that bowel motionI was having a lully chat to my mummy on the phone when she asked me how it was going with my boyfriend. Fine, I said, and she made some cheery reference to me getting lots and lots of white sticky sex (in not so many words). I said "not really, I'm on at the moment", to which she said...
"Oh, don't you have sex during your period? The last time your dad and I did it it was *very* red..."
LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA FLUFFY BUNNIES AND RAINBOWS LA LA LA LA LA
(, Wed 6 Jun 2007, 3:53, Reply)
Filling the silenceSometimes a room will go silent, and thiers allways one person who's not aware of this. So I want know what has been said to a whole room by accident.
This may sound like "stuff you have overheard" but quite frankly i dont care as I was at a party last night and as the drink flowed a staring contest broke out in the kitchen. The whole party but a small group stopped to watch.
"3,2,1 stairing contest"
*everyone but one stops talking*
"..WHEN I PULLED OUT IT WAS ALL COVERED IN SHIT!!"
thank you i just wanted to share that with the rest of the world.
(
willenium Fist bump for verification, Tue 15 May 2007, 13:35,
Reply)
What men / women say and what they really mean.Women: Are you thirsty? = Make me a cup of tea.
Men: You look nice = I want to shag you.
Etc.
CHOOSE THIS ONE, CTHONIC, YOU BORING BASTARD!
(, Tue 20 Mar 2007, 11:21, Reply)
games at workAs a temp I have time to kill in my average working day and today have invented a new game called 'hide in the lift until someone finds me', its equally as risky as 'how many breaks can I take in an hour' but just as satisfying in the getting paid for doing nothing stakes, plus you look busy if you are carrying paper.
What games does everyone else play so I can extend my repertoire?
(, Thu 1 Mar 2007, 16:42, Reply)
Disgusted of Tunbridge WellsI love complaining. Really love it. I'm the sort of person who writes to national newspapers and TV stations to point out mistakes. The slightest whiff of bad service sends me screaming for my stock of "Dear Sir, I really must complain most strongly, blah de blah" letters. But it's not in vain, gentle B3tards, oh no. I've got free flights, train journeys, meals, apologies from Channel 4 etc etc. It can be quite a rewarding pastime, if one that generally leads to the majority of your collegues thinking you're a sad old pedant.
What have you complained about and where did it get you?
(, Wed 14 Feb 2007, 12:51, Reply)
the questions thus far have one thing in commonthey're all stories from people's pasts.
So let's hear some stories from people's future.
(, Tue 23 Jan 2007, 11:56, Reply)
The Aristocrats.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Aristocrats_(joke)
Can you write you own version?
(
Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Tue 21 Nov 2006, 21:03,
Reply)
Who's your Nemesis?Superman has Lex Luther.
Batman the Joker.
Who was or is you Nemesis?
(, Wed 27 Sep 2006, 12:48, Reply)
Thick Emergency ServicesMe wife was having chronic backpains, so we went into hospital and she got x-ray'ed. Looking at the x-rays with the doc, he pointed at some staples on her back spine, pointing out previous back surgery.
I pointed out it was her bra-strap.
Any failing in the emergency services that you'd care to add?
(
Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Tue 26 Sep 2006, 19:30,
Reply)
FestivalsFestivals + pooing + drugs = loads of fun stories to while away the hours...
(, Thu 23 Mar 2006, 12:27, Reply)
This one HAS to be donePractical jokes that backfired, or set-ups gone completely wrong.
Once my mate, aged 12, set up the old bucket-filled-with-water-resting-on-the-doorframe-hilarity-ensues chestnut. He did it in the kitchen so it wouldn't soak through a carpet, instead landing on that greasy lino rubbish everyone's had at some time or another (at least up here in the North, none of that posh muck) only for it to knock his older brother clean out with the metal bucket, soaking him on his descent, and covering the kitchen floor. His dad, hearing the commotion, runs in, slips arse over tit and also knocks himself out cold.
Grounded during all three months of summer must be pretty harsh.
(
TGP on the rock 'n' roll, Sat 4 Mar 2006, 15:28,
Reply)
One LinersOn my 21st Birthday, at 5am, I was being copiously vomitus in my uni back garden. Girlfriend of the time leans out the window asking "you're not being sick are you?" "It's alright" I reply, between heaves, "I'll brush my teeth first"
Ok, that's rubbish, but there's got to be some great ones out there.
(, Wed 1 Feb 2006, 17:21, Reply)
What a HUGE coincidence!What's the biggest coincidence ever happened to you?
(, Tue 17 Jan 2006, 23:17, Reply)
Smack an animal day...me and me brother were in the pub a while ago, chatting about the usual random banter that two chaps do, and he turns to me, out of the blue, and asks: "If you could hit ANY animal in the world, what would it be? I want to hit a koala... i think it'd squeak as it left the branch."
After about 5 - 10 minutes in the toilet, drying all the nose-beer i'd shot out, i came up with a giraffe. Whilst it's drinking, cos i reckon it's centre of gravity would be well off.
My question... If you could hit ANY animal in the world, what would it be?
(, Tue 13 Dec 2005, 18:42, Reply)
The little songs you sing to get you through the dayYou know the ones i mean. They make very boring tasks seem less so. In the chemistry labs today i had to measure the magnetic moment of a compound. All through this process i was quietly singing Magic Moments to myself by Perry Como. Except it was Magnetic Moments of course. I also quite often get Leningrad's songs stuck in my head too.
Share your lyrical genius with the world.
Ps also enjoy singing the theme tune to The Sweeny. "The Sweeny, The Sweeny, ba baba ba baaa ba bada da!"
(, Tue 29 Nov 2005, 19:01, Reply)
Killing the momentOnce whilst pleasuring an ex girlfriend I slipped off the bed and fell on my kitten, the poor thing was ok but made the loudest gut wrenching squeal of pain I have ever heard.
In what ways have you unwittingly destroyed an intermit moment?
(, Tue 29 Nov 2005, 13:55, Reply)
There's nothing wrong with grieving after the death of someone close to you.But some people take it too far. What examples of over the top mourning have you seen?
(, Sun 20 Nov 2005, 18:53, Reply)
Masturbation (again)What is the most embarassing thing you looked at/thought of whilst having a wank?
When I was 12 I knocked one out whilst looking at a picture of Bonnie Langford wearing a leotard. (She was wearing it, not me. That would be weird.)
I still get very uncomfortable whenever I see her on telly.
(, Wed 16 Nov 2005, 15:48, Reply)
old ladies falling over in the street with shopping bagswhat makes you laugh - you really shouldn't - but bloody hell it's funny
(
spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Tue 8 Nov 2005, 10:25,
Reply)
Fuckups at WorkIt's that simple:
What is the biggest fuckup you have ever made at work?
What were the consequences?
Did you manage to wriggle out of it?
How much money did it cost the company?
(, Fri 7 Oct 2005, 23:25, Reply)
Inappropriate horninessGents, ever got a trouser tent on at the funeral of a beloved relative? Ladies, ever found yourself dripping during that important sales presentation?
Stories of when you really, really didn't want to want it, but did... (and any consequences thereof)
(, Thu 6 Oct 2005, 17:30, Reply)
Have you ever had a close encounter with a bunny boiler?Have you ever had a close encounter with a bunny boiler?
Some women are mad! Infact some seemingly normal women are lunatics.
Women : Are you a bunny boiler?
Men : Ever been harassed by one?
(, Tue 4 Oct 2005, 13:56, Reply)
GrafitiI once spent a happy half hour taking shelter from some snow under a slide in a park with a friend. While we were there we noticed a few gems of grafiti. One which sticks out especially in my mind is "Will luvs lois the fat slag". Romance at it's best.
What's the best bit of graffiti you've ever seen?
(, Wed 7 Sep 2005, 20:52, Reply)
Learning the hard way...Pah! Who needs advice, instructions or experience!? Just let me get on with it...
(, Wed 15 Jun 2005, 11:05, Reply)
Shagging DisastersReading about other peoples sexual mishaps makes you feel so much better about your own.
(, Tue 17 May 2005, 15:17, Reply)
Mistaken IdentityI once spotted a girl I know talking to a bloke. He had his back to me, but I was sure I knew him too, so I ran up behind him and smacked him across the arse as hard as I could, only for him to turn round and reveal himself to be none other than a complete stranger. I nearly died twice, once of embarrasment and once from the guy threatening to kill me. The girl pissed her knickers. Please let there be someone who has had worse...
(
Normanator Bad case of trapped wind since, Tue 12 Apr 2005, 17:22,
Reply)
playing with friend's phobiasWe used to have a mate who had a most irrational fear of tomatoes, he would cross the street to avoid greengrocers shops and would become tearful at the sight of a tomato.
Had a party at his house and we sneaked into his bathroom and removed all the tootpaste from the tube, replacing it with tomato puree,
next morning it took us about 3 hours to get him down of the ceiling,
oh how we laughed
(
Dill, Mon 21 Mar 2005, 9:12,
Reply)
Death is not an option...We used to have hours of fun thinking these up, my favourite ever was: would you rather eat a small portion of your own faeces every day for the rest of your life, or suck Richard Whitely's cock - death is not an option. Let's all pick a quandry and see what really makes us tick.
(, Fri 8 Oct 2004, 9:16, Reply)
The worst chat-up line ever...... either used by you or on you, and what was the result?
(
Biffins Bridge, Tue 13 Apr 2004, 14:05,
Reply)
When Good Deeds go BadA friend was driving to work one morning when, sitting waiting at traffic lights, he saw a very large seagull, (the skinheads of the bird world), smash head first into a shop window, and fall to the ground lifeless.
Not wanting to leave the poor thing alone and dying in the street, he decided to pick it up and take it to the nearest RSPCA centre which was close by. He put the inanimate flapper on his back seat and drove off. Within minutes he was alerted by the screetching and flapping to his rear, that the bird had done a Lazarus, was absolutley fine and fighting fit, but in no mood to thank him for his concern. It began pecking at his head and face, shitting all over the place and trying to fly out through the windscreen. He did managed not to crash the car, and eventually got rid of the bastard thing without too much blood loss. Still needed an anti-tetnus jab, and much cleaning of both face, and upholstery. Must've been brilliant for the guy in the car behind him.
There must be more tales of regretfull Samaritans out there.
(sorry for the length..oooh-errr)
(, Mon 22 Mar 2004, 14:34, Reply)
IF YOU WON THE LOTTERY,HOW WOULD YOU GO ABOUT GETTING SACKED FROM YOUR JOB?
(
The Togaboy The world will end on, Wed 10 Mar 2004, 21:09,
Reply)
Whats the worst Fuck-up you were responsible for at workSuch as crashing the bosses new car, deleting 6 months worth of work. etc
(
Terry Oblong There's nobody here but us chickens on, Sat 6 Mar 2004, 10:49,
Reply)
The Stupidest Thing You've Ever Done...... for instance, when I was in 1st year (i.e. about 11) i participated in induced fainting. This is basically breathing in and out deeply and quickly (this can get you f*cked out of your head as well, incidentally) and getting a trusted friend (one that won't knee you in the balls when you're out cold) to hold the arteries on either side of your neck until you pass out, which typically lasts about 20-30 seconds.
Now, this is stupidly dangerous in itself, but as i keeled over people suddenly realised how heavy i was (6ft tall and 9 stone) and i fell to the ground, knocking my head off the kerb. Apparently my eyes flashed open for a second then i passed out again.
I, on the other hand, was having a nice dream about a ferris wheel that gradually sped up. This was suddenly cut short and a nasty white noise/feedback sound filled my senses. Then, the nightmare beasts from my night terrors appeared, and came at me
I woke up screaming and had to be held down a talked to calmly for five minutes before i regained full consciousness. Even now i get jittery around that feedback type sound, and have regular panic attacks when something in my subconscious memory kicks in. Nasty.
(, Thu 5 Feb 2004, 19:34, Reply)
Whats the strangest or most out of place object in your room.Things that vibrate are not allowed.
(
harribo, Wed 14 Jan 2004, 13:14,
Reply)
What was the worst break-up you've had?Were you responsible or were they?
Do you still see them?
Are you still emotionally crippled by it?
(
emvee cruor deo cruoris, Wed 14 Jan 2004, 13:12,
Reply)
English teachersWere any of your English teachers attractive?
Perhaps they had quite nice breasts, that held your attention.
Or maybe they were burst-nose drunkards with jowls like a bulldog and a fantastic stentorian voice.
Or did they die in a field?
Most of us have learnt English, but what about those unsung heroes who helped us along the way?
(
tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 15 Oct 2015, 10:36,
Reply)
Sexually transmitted diseasesAnd seeing as everyone on this site seems to have the most fucking entertaining (made up) sex life ever.
When have you ever caught the clap, crabs, chlamydia, herpes or any other someshit.
The lengths you have gone through to prevent being caught when in a relationship or the really nasty side affects from suffering from your japs eye crying like a spoon laden with warm jam.
Tell THE REAL TRUTH, not what you told the local GUM, now is your time to cum clean (excuse the pun you dirty minged cuntswaggler)
I don't know if it's been asked before I imagine not, too many people on this site are busy having massive orgies with lesbian biker Swedish girls they met in Telford or explaining why they should be working for a multi million investment firm that caters for cunts.
(
spanishfly is so fucking sexy people impersonate him, Wed 9 Apr 2014, 1:25,
1 reply,
11 years ago)
What did you get up to at home when no-one else was in?During a period in the 1990s everyone would be out of the house between when I got back from college and 5:30pm. I would revel in the fact that I could run the stereo at full blast for an hour without fear of discovery or censure and would hook up a 2x15" speaker cab to the stereo and play Iron Maiden very loudly.
(
Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Thu 6 Mar 2014, 0:20,
Reply)
your most boring story.what's your favourite anecdote - peppered with people nobody else knows or cares about, replete with wonky narrative, unnecessary exposition and unwarranted self-importance?
then the mods can simply ban everyone from qotw except for ringofyre, have a bottle of scotch fed-exed to his house and we can all get on with our lives.
(
janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Wed 15 May 2013, 17:38,
9 replies,
latest was 12 years ago)
why not do a special week where you rename it question for a vagabond?we'll all put questions to a vagabond for a week, he seems to do about 90% of all answers anyway so we may not even notice the difference
(
The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Tue 19 Feb 2013, 12:58,
Reply)
what is your greatest achievement?have you ever climbed a mountain? slept with the hottest girl in the office? stuck something really large up your arse? please, tell me more.
(
The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Tue 4 Dec 2012, 10:23,
3 replies,
latest was 12 years ago)
The Single LifeI've just emerged from a year of living in a bachelor pad, where I did terrible things mostly involving the Reduced to Kill shelf in Tesco.
Tips for living alone, where no-one gives a shit.
(
Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Sat 25 Aug 2012, 9:39,
Reply)
Parenting top tipsWhat advice have you received from your folks that has been a real help? What what wisdom have you passed on to your children that's helped them?
(, Tue 7 Aug 2012, 11:40, Reply)
Internet stupidityHow stupid have you been on the internet; it doesn't really make you anonymous. You know like getting a knock on the door as a result of operation ore, or if your username is ringofrye boasting about having a happy family life whilst also having an okcupid account for some sly fat gash on the side. He's deleted it now unfortunately, but I hope I've saved his loveless marriage.
(
Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Fri 3 Aug 2012, 10:09,
Reply)
HypochondriaThanks to my massive hypochondria, I've had leukaemia, liver disease, AIDS (twice), cancer (too many times to count), and God knows what else. It's even worse now thanks to the Internet, where you can quickly convince yourself you have anything. The most recent episode was a white spot on my tongue which I KNEW was tongue cancer, but turned out to be nothing. So - tell us your tales of hypochondria!
(, Thu 2 Aug 2012, 18:48, 4 replies, latest was 13 years ago)
SerendipityWhat mind-bogglingly stupid stuff have you done that ended in a win, you jammy sod.
(
owensanity, Thu 2 Aug 2012, 18:11,
Reply)
JUSTICE!...Climb out of your Honda Accords and tell us of when you have dispensed (or witnessed) sweet justice over adversity...On purpose or accidentally.
Supermodels / extreme violence / MASSIVE drugs optional obviously.
(
Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 26 Apr 2012, 9:21,
1 reply,
13 years ago)
Subtle justice.Tell us about a time when you've either justifiably dropped someone in the shit without anyone knowing it was you, or just got petty revenge. Either way, stealth is key here.
(
BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Wed 2 Nov 2011, 17:30,
Reply)
I suggested this one years ago, but I'll try againBarguments:
The utterly absurd and inane debates you have when out on the lash. Such discussions as:
"Which superpower is better, flying or invisibility?"
"How many angry 5 year old kids could you defend yourself against if they all attacked en masse? What about if you had a big stick?"
"What would make a better paralympic sport? Blind turntable archery or flid-boxing?
(
sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 20 Apr 2011, 16:46,
1 reply,
14 years ago)
Awesome TeachersWe had a history teacher who would act out every lesson - for the 'caveman' section, he would jump up on the desk and use his ruler as a makeshift spear, and for WWII he would get his toys out from the desk (tanks and planes and such) and act out mini-battles for us. Genuinely the best teacher I've ever had.
It can also be extended to lecturers and workplace trainers to make the question more open
(, Wed 9 Mar 2011, 3:26, Reply)
Best bits of childhoodSaturday morning cartoons, white dog poo and a stick, being bored for hours and being okay with it, Archie comics, fish and chip Thursdays. What are your best memories?
(, Thu 3 Mar 2011, 8:32, Reply)
Health and Safety nightmaresI am sure that we have all done think things that would give the safety reps, at our places of employ, absolute nightmares.
What have you done that breached the rules to give the "elfins ayftee gone mad" brigade something to chew on?
I actually used a set of three steps to reach a high shelf - I told them that I'd been on the course but, if I was totally honest, I didn't even know there was a course. The steps, which were all of 18 inches high had their safety certificate firmly attached, though - so I knew I'd be alright.
(, Thu 17 Feb 2011, 20:11, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)
The ElderlyThe Elderly are without a doubt my favourite animal. I'd happily watch a six part BBC documentary about them and their odd little habits, but alas, they won't open their doors to strangers in case the knife crime they've heard so much about barges right into their living rooms. Instead, tell us about some of the old folk that you've met.
(, Thu 17 Feb 2011, 14:08, Reply)
The First TimeYou never forget your first time... could be sex, could be parachuting, could be discovering a grey hair. What first time triumphs and traumas have we all had?
(, Tue 28 Sep 2010, 16:56, Reply)
Gettin their comeuppance!It didn't always have to be your arch nemesis but theres alway been idiots who you look at and wish misfortune at.
Personal favourites include class clown covering himself in deodorant much to the guffaws of "the lads" when one bright spark lit his lighter beside said clown setting him briefly alight.
Local scum robbing a boat and rowing it to center of bay when suddenly floor of boat collapses and said boat sinks.
And finally obnoxious ass in work runs out of office in rush for bus and carpet slides plonking him on his arse.
(
dazbrilliantwhites has been meaning to change this..., Mon 13 Sep 2010, 18:00,
3 replies,
latest was 14 years ago)
Half Term / Summer Holiday ShenanigansAs a child, the Summer Holidays were immense; going out with mates from 9 o'clock in the morning until 10 at night and getting up to all sorts of mischief.
We once built an amazing 'base' in the woods complete with corrugated iron roof and a trip wire. Upon returning the next day, we found a tramp had moved in.
There was always one person who would forget to come out on their bike, and so would have to run everywhere, thus looking always sweaty and completely knackered.
I'd like to hear stories about what everyone got up to in the Summer Holidays in their youth.
(, Thu 8 Jul 2010, 11:11, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)
Similar to the one belowLots of people are claiming to have unfinished novels in their back pocket, well let's see the first paragraph. And if you don't have a first paragraph, make one up.
(
Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Thu 1 Jul 2010, 12:40,
1 reply,
15 years ago)
Perfect daysHow about an uplifting question for a change?
When have you had a perfect day? My last utterly perfect one was last summer and involved lots of beer, a rock supergroup and an attractive barmaid.
(
Hdjejjwsjdjjf LOOK, Tue 11 May 2010, 17:45,
1 reply,
15 years ago)
Tell us about the dayWhen time dropped into slo mo, you looked up, your eyes widened, and you thought "Oh Fuck oh fuck oh fuck, I'm going to die!".
And whether you survived it with full or empty underware?
(
RadG Drinking Mojitos in the sun, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 19:39,
2 replies,
latest was 15 years ago)
What has a b3tan done to make you smile?This site has been around for a long time now, and I don't think there's been a question about interactions with fellow b3tans.
A couple days ago, I got a gaz from someone who I don't really know at all, just saying that they found my stories inspirational. It brought a massive smile to my face because...well, let's face it...I never put up funnies, do I?!
But that gaz was lovely and made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
What has a fellow b3tan done for you, whether you know them or not?
(
Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Sun 28 Mar 2010, 0:04,
Reply)
Its April 1st soon...What is the greatest April fools gag you have pulled off or been a victim of?
(, Tue 16 Mar 2010, 19:51, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)
Doctors, Dentists, Nurses, and HospitalsEver been on the receiving end of some quality health care? Tell us about it...
(, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 17:38, Reply)
HousepartiesOn friday my flatmate had a house party for his 21st birthday. About 20 people showed up, of which 15 were tee-total. The music was awful 'urban' stuff, and the host got out a twister set. He even told me other housemate to wear a different dress because her boobs were "too on-show".
What epic fails/wins have you seen at house parties?
(
Ungersven would support SpankyHanky's patreon, Sun 28 Feb 2010, 11:33,
3 replies,
latest was 15 years ago)
GingersDo you have red hair? Do you know someone hit with the ginger stick? Tell us your story.
(
rob, Wed 24 Feb 2010, 15:11,
1 reply,
15 years ago)
FlirtingI don't think we've looked at flirting before.
Do you flirt with the checkout girls just for the heck of it? Are you a check-out girl, do you flirt with the sad looking middle-aged men for the heck of it?
Has your misses accused you of flirting when you were 'just being friendly'? Has someone come on to you when you weren't expecting it.
I don't think I became proficient at flirting until well after I was married. Is that tragic or inevitable?
I don't want stories of torrid sex, I want stories of gentle, yet deeply disturbing flirting; from light banter to smoulering looks. Could be fleeting, could be a long-running relationship with the bosses secretary, tell us. Go on...you sexy poster you (giggles - bats eye-lids, licks lips).
(, Fri 12 Feb 2010, 9:47, 5 replies, latest was 15 years ago)
Soundtrack to your lifeReading about 'Everybody hurts' being hi-jacked by Simon Cowell reminds me of the time (many years ago) when that song was playing on my Walkman (yeah, I know) on my way to work one winter's morning. Ahead of me, about twenty feet, were a mum and little kid walking along on the way to school, when the child slipped on some frost and fell on his face. "Everybody huu-uurts, some time" played away in my ears as the poor wee mite burst into tears and ran for comfort from his mum.
Tell us about songs that mean something to you - good, bad, funny or tragic, appropriate or totally inappropriate songs that were playing at key times, or just walking down the street.
[...and Mods - I've done loads of good suggestions over the years which would have allowed you to do a new topic, rather than re-cycling old ones and they've never been picked.So how about it? Huh? Huh?]
(, Fri 22 Jan 2010, 12:27, 6 replies, latest was 15 years ago)
B3tan OCDwhy not spend the week telling us about the little self imposed rituals you all have in your day to day lives, and any other personal habits bordering on OCD
(
The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Wed 11 Nov 2009, 20:01,
2 replies,
latest was 15 years ago)
Dogs.Dogs - man's best friend. Always getting you in to trouble or embarrassing you.....
E.g......
I was at a party sitting in the garden drinking and chatting with the hostess when one of her two Dachshunds wandered over and did a crap right in front of my feet, about a foot away in fact. She was extremely embarrassed and some people started laughing and a few people felt a bit ill. Then, about 30 seconds later the 2nd Dachshund came over, took one sniff and then ate the fresh turd. She was literally speechless and the whole garden was either laughing hysterically or feeling sick, or both.
(
TheFinch is getting to grips with the complex plane on, Wed 16 Sep 2009, 16:16,
Reply)
I do apologise, I've got Tourette'sAccidental swearing! When have you sworn at someone unintentionally? You know, just cos you swear a lot anyway and it....ummm....just slipped out at a really inappropriate time and to an inappropriate person.
I called my gran a bastard when i was about 5. My older brother told me to.
'Go and call Gran a bastard!'
Off I toddle: 'You're a bastard Gran!'
Well, I was too young to know what it meant, wasn't I? She was mortified.
(
spesh., Sat 5 Sep 2009, 11:33,
1 reply,
15 years ago)
Enzyme suggested this a while back - absolutely great, so copied here with no credit to me:"Ruin a joke
A polar bear walks into a bar. "I'd like a pint and............. a bag of nuts, please". Barman says, "Why the big pause?" and the bear replies, "Sorry, I'm epileptic and that was a petit mal episode."
SOOOO: tell us a classic/ old joke, and then pimp it to make it strange, different, and potentially wonderful. Funny ha-ha would be good, but funny-peculiar is funny as well..."
(, Mon 10 Aug 2009, 12:26, 5 replies, latest was 15 years ago)
Strange beliefsI just read on the "dark" QOTW that someone else had the same belief as I did when I was a kid - that the carpet was inhabited by sharks. I never met anyone else who had that fear, and I'm so relieved I'm not a lone nutjob after all.
How about a QOTW where we can find out what stupid stuff we believed in as kids with no real explanation? Not the "lies your parents told you" but stuff that kids make up from the very backs of their weird little minds.
(, Wed 29 Jul 2009, 13:46, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)
Camping woesIt was raining and cold in the middle of summer and a group of us nearly gassed ourselves to death with a petrol Tilley lamp inside the tent.
What great things have you experienced whilst camping?
(, Tue 21 Jul 2009, 10:44, Reply)
job interviewsi have just had the most calamitous interview ever, i could not have fucked it up more if had just whipped my cock out and declared my love for bum sex with Alsatian puppies. so what are your stories of interview fuck ups or moments of pure genius?
(, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 22:46, Reply)
when your life fell apart around you - how did you turn things aroundi got burned badly taking a job in dubai with a bunch of twunts - www.b3ta.com/questions/theboss/post460435
when the shit hit the fan and the arse fell out of your life - how did you pick yourself up and get on with it
(
spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Thu 25 Jun 2009, 14:26,
Reply)
That's me on the TVEver been on TV?
I've been waiting for ages to tell you nice people of the time when I 'accidentally' knocked Ant Mcpartlin to the ground on Live TV
Click I like this so I can tell the tale.
(
Terry Oblong There's nobody here but us chickens on, Mon 1 Jun 2009, 22:16,
2 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
Unrequited loveTell us about that incredible, gorgeous, sexy person whose image filled your every thought but stubbonly refused to acknowledge your existence, or worse still, rebuffed you cruelly.
Tell us about the flowers you'd lay at your 'Phwoarr memorial'.
(, Tue 5 May 2009, 14:09, Reply)
That's just...I...I can't even...YOU'RE WRONG!!!My brother's girlfriend's mum, who has three children, was told by a recent mother that her opinions and observations on pregnancy and childbirth were irrelevant because "pregnancy is different now". She last gave birth thirteen years ago. One can't even begin to go into how wrong that statement is without grinding one's teeth.
What's the wrongest or most pig-ignorant you've ever known someone to be? Try not to raise your blood pressure too much thinking about it.
(, Sun 12 Apr 2009, 2:19, Reply)
Fancy DressI know this one's been suggested before, but it appears to have sunk without trace.
Tell us your stories about humorous incidents that arose whilst dressing up for a party or even to go on stage.
I'm mainly just reiterating this suggestion because I noticed that SpankyHanky promised a story involving a Batman costume and semen, which he might be inclined to tell were such a question asked.
Me? Last Hallowe'en I went to a party dressed as the Paedo-finder General from Monkey Dust. This was hilarious to absolutely everybody except those who were not me.
(, Tue 7 Apr 2009, 15:51, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)
Moving houseI don't think this has been done. But there must be endless tales of hilarity and woe in connection with moving house.
Mustn't there?
Please?
(
Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Mon 6 Apr 2009, 16:20,
3 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
FetishesEveryone has a friend that seems to like feet a bit too much...
And everyone has had a quick look at some type of porn including beastiality/ fisting/ Japanese school girls peeing on eachother...
So are you brave enough to tell us tales of what makes you moist and eager to hump?
Considering some of the things you people talk about, you may aswell have a question on it.
(
Mellicious is made of candy, Thu 2 Apr 2009, 19:20,
8 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
Turn Ons / Turn OffsSitting in a bath of beans, hearing a French accent, watching Newsround.
What turns you on, you sick fuckers?
EDIT: Hairy backs, a lack of a pulse, someone pointing at your cock and laughing. The stuff that makes you go limper than Kenneth Williams' wrist.
Yin n yang and all that twattery.
Discuss...
(
SpankyHanky, Mon 30 Mar 2009, 13:38,
6 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
Lord of The FliesWhen you were little you set up a base in the woods, didn't you?
What war crimes did you commit, who with, what did you do with girls and people who weren't in your 'gang', and did you sharpen sticks to use as swords?
(
Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 17 Mar 2009, 15:55,
1 reply,
16 years ago)
My best pencilThe idea is so shit it's bound to be picked this week.
(, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 9:21, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)
It's the little things...As anyone who sat through the terrible 'Butterfly Effect' movie knows, the smallest detail can make a huge difference.
Let's hear your stories of when the little things made, or ruined, your day.
(
Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 8:10,
1 reply,
16 years ago)
Worst Gig EverOn Thursday, I went to see The Cure at the 02.
The most souless, sterile, expensive, middle class wanker-dome I have ever had the misfortune to visit.
Then the sound was awful, the view appalling and Robert Smith phoned it in anyway.
Sadly, it's far from the worst gig I've ever been to, but I'll save that on the off chance this gets picked up.
(
scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 2 Mar 2009, 14:23,
3 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
Sorry, what?We all make mistakes, we're human after all. But how far have you gone before you realised you'd ballsed up?
Could you repair the damage or had you gone too far/offended someone too deeply/made too much of a tit out of yourself to even contemplate any degree of redemption?
(
The Pollitt chooses to listen to Enya on, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 12:37,
Reply)
Flat packed fuck upsLast weekend, chickenlady and I spent Sunday building an elevated double bed we'd bought flat packed from Ikea.
Twelve hours later we had finished, but the injury toll was one bruised finger, a swollen foot, four separate bumps on my head and a normally placid chickenlady weilding a rubber mallet with intent to wound.
I'd like to hear about your self-assembly shenanigans.
(, Thu 12 Feb 2009, 10:13, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)
Non-versationIs it just me or is there too much nonversation about?
watching TV and a lady comes on screen:
Flatmate: "I would totally fuck her"
Me: "I would too, because I have Y chromosome. Thats what has kept the human race going through floods, droughts, wars , famine supervolcanoes and tory governments. That goes without saying, If you feel the need to tell the world what you would do to every woman you see why don't you just wear a badge that says 'I'm really not gay' It would save a lot of time."
I don't like nonversation
(
willenium Fist bump for verification, Tue 3 Feb 2009, 22:02,
1 reply,
16 years ago)
BDSMSome recent QOTWs have suggested there may be more than a few Doms and subs treading the boards of B3ta.
When did you first realise you wanted to be tied up and spanked/tie someone up and spank them? What's your most amusing scene? Has a scene ever gone hilariously wrong?
Even if you're not a fully paid up member of pervs anonymous, have you had a strange request? Did you say yes? if not, how did you get out of it?
(, Tue 27 Jan 2009, 23:39, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)
Forgotten something?We've all forgotten dates for important events, their locations, or the name of the long-term partner with whom we were supposed to attend them.
What have you forgotten? Did you manage to cover it up? What were the consequences?
Or can you not remember?
(
Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Tue 27 Jan 2009, 13:14,
Reply)
Bumping into people from school years laterSomeone you couldn't stand who is all pally.
Someone doing really well and wants you to know it.
Someone doing really shit and you pity them.
Someone with a retarded skinhead mate who'll say something to you along the lines of "did your mate just call my mate a cunt?" and the question what would have happened if I'd said "yes" will never leave
(
stopmeandslapme Cometh the hour, cometh your mum, Wed 14 Jan 2009, 19:23,
2 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
Things we do to fit inWhen I was fifteen, while hanging out with my brother and his mates for the first time, I curled up in a Budgens trolley while someone pushed it through the supermarket doors to nick vodka and Benny Hedgehogs.
What have you done to fit in?
(
Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 31 Dec 2008, 21:56,
1 reply,
16 years ago)
The one that got awayPossible suggestion for mid-February QOTW. Thanks to the interweb, it’s much easier to ‘bump into’ an old flame and it’s always pleasing, yet strangely galling, to see them happy, fulfilled, married to minor aristocracy and living in a mansion with their own steam train in the grounds. Or something. If only they had stuck with you, or if only you had plucked up the courage to ever speak to them, it could have all been so different. Who was the one that got away, or was it you? (This seemed a cute idea in my head, but actually comes over a bit sinister).
(, Tue 30 Dec 2008, 11:46, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)
schoolmost people think its the best days of your life, and the time that holds the most memories, lets share our stories b3tards..
When I went to school (1998-2003), there was a girl who looked a guy, and had a psychotic hatred for 'Nintendo' or anything involving the 'N' word, and went on a rampage...
(, Mon 22 Dec 2008, 20:06, Reply)
Busted!At Uni my friends and I when decidedly pissed decided to remove all the furniture from the downstairs lads living room and place it outside.
Unfortunately they came home before we were finished, we heard tham getting closer and my mates hid behind the sofa. But it was too late for me, as it was pitch black I crouched down and put my head between my legs. This worked quiet well in the dark.
Unfortunately they quickly put the light on exposing a drunken idiot crouching in the middle of their now empty living room vibrating with the effort of concealing giggles!
When have you been caught in the act?
(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 15 Dec 2008, 15:11,
2 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
How did I just get away with that?I once narrowly avoided being decapitated by a flying barn roof during the same storm that partially lobotomized the popular 'Allo 'Allo actor Gordon Kaye back in January 1990.
What other lucky escapes from the Grim Reaper (or a P45 or perhaps an angry spouse) have you been involved in?
(, Tue 9 Dec 2008, 12:35, Reply)
paranoid nutteri have actually on occasion looked up at the ceiling in loo cubicles/changing rooms to check for webcams
how paranoid are you and how much does it interfere with your life?
(
spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Tue 18 Nov 2008, 17:19,
1 reply,
16 years ago)
What everyday thing have you never done.I've never seen the X Factor. I think I must be the only one in the world.
(yes I know this is stolen wholesale from Radio 4)
(
Mrs Entity is in hiding., Tue 11 Nov 2008, 10:14,
8 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
LazinessMy cousin once turned down a free holiday because he couldn't be bothered to buy a new suitcase.
What tales of spectacular laziness do you have to tell?
(Nul Points for saying "I've got a great story but can't be arsed to tell it", or similar.)
(, Mon 3 Nov 2008, 17:40, Reply)
Things I've Learned At Work,or Transferable Skills.
I've learned a lot of helpful things at work, having had many and varied jobs.
For example, I know how to get someone certified, how to defend oneself in court on traffic offences, and how to carry on one's everday life while totally incontinent without anyone suspecting a thing.
Sounds like the story of certain b3tards' lives...
(, Sun 2 Nov 2008, 16:55, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)
Total life take-over.With the exception of relationships, have you ever dived headlong into something utterly meaningless that has consumed your every spare moment for days and weeks on end? Then afterwards, have you found that the thing itself has somehow utterly disappeared from your life , never to return?
For instance, there was the time I lost an entire sun-filled childhood summer stuck in my bedroom on a CB radio talking to kids I would otherwise have been out playing with. Or, years later, when the purchase of a PlaySatan meant I had to ring in sick because I couldn't tear myself away from the lovely Ms. Croft. (Five solid days, that one lasted. I lost half a stone by simply forgetting to eat.)
What irrelevant obsession has completely removed you from your life for a long period of time?
(, Sun 2 Nov 2008, 12:13, Reply)
How green? Tales of your innocence and naivety...Why was this motherly lady I'd never met before so convinced I had lost my friend? Surely I'd know if I had? It was in Soho, and she kept asking me if I was 'Looking for a girl'...
Or the time I was convinced the rasta gentleman outside the Trafalgar in Moseley was trying to *buy* dope off me, not sell...
Or the time I thought I'd be uncomfy sleeping on the floor of a girl's room in halls of residence when her roommate was away and she asked if I wanted to stay the night...
I've been thoroughly naive (dare I say green and stupid) over the years, I'd be relieved to hear your tales so I don't feel so bad!
(
0nyx, Sat 1 Nov 2008, 21:38,
2 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
Inexplicable MemoriesI have an inexplicable memory of owning a dirt bike. I know I've never had one, but I've retained a scar from when I dropped it and scraped my knee. I also have a memory of being four years old in Spain and running down a cobblestone road, though I know I've never been there.
Do you have any inexplicable memories?
(
Digeridude Lord Wellington's Beef Trapeze, Thu 30 Oct 2008, 21:41,
Reply)
OddballsMy girlfriend once refused to speak to me for 48 hours because she dreamt that I cheated on her.
What's the strangest reason somebody's had for falling out with you?
(, Tue 28 Oct 2008, 16:12, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)
The lengths you've gone to for the sake of a girlfreind/boyfriend.I don't mean the biggest gift or most money you've spent, but the things you've done, just to see them that night.
My example would have to be when i knowingly stranded myself in an unfriendly town, with no money or place to stay, on a cold night in December.
I didn't even have a coat and i knew that after she left, I would have to wait, alone, in almost sub zero temperatures, for up to 5 hours, until the trains started again.
After almost an hour on a park bench, i realised it would not only be impossible to sleep, but impossible even to stay sitting still, as the cold was becoming unbearable. I knew i was no way within walking distance of home, but i knew i had to keep warm.
So the next 4 hours saw me walking the same 2 or 3 mile circuit around town, shivering my nips off, with the song All Night Long by Lionel Richie mercilessly repeating itself in my head.
It was worth every moment.
(, Thu 23 Oct 2008, 9:59, Reply)
pea-roasted and paraphrasedA mate of mine could squeeze his penis, force real hard and then hit the school-toilet ceiling with a jet of piss.
Being 6, it was quite possibly the funniest thing I'd ever seen.
In a bid to cheer up the misery and splenetic outpourings of recent QOTWs, anybody have any good nob-related anecdotes?
(
sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 22 Oct 2008, 19:40,
Reply)
Halloween TalesWith Halloween round the corner I think it is time to hear your best trick or treat or Halloween moments
(, Wed 22 Oct 2008, 17:55, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)
If only I had a camera.Are there any moments in your life when you wish, if not for the fact that you'd win £250 from Beadle, that you had a camera with you?
(, Tue 21 Oct 2008, 13:30, Reply)
Pointless inventionsHave you ever invented something or had an idea for an invention that was so utterly pointless that there was no point in inventing it? Invent a good story to explain your idea.
(
mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Thu 9 Oct 2008, 20:58,
1 reply,
16 years ago)
Experiences you've hadthat are retrospectively strange and/or funny, for which at the time you had no frame of reference.
Not just sex - I think that was comprehensively covered last week anyway.
For example, when I was in Albania last year I had my eyebrows plucked for the first time ever. By a woman who spoke no English and had two missing fingers. One of the most surreal moments of my life.
(
warmfuzzies Isn't here, Mon 6 Oct 2008, 17:20,
4 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
t3am b3taIf you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire... t3am b3ta.
Inspired by this post, what would you summon a team of b3tans to do and how would they go about doing it? Would it be rescuing someone from an abusive relationship by creating a lynch-mob for someone's abusive partner? Would it involve forcefully improving employment practices at someone's workplace, or would it just be to bring a smile to people's faces?
(
mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Mon 6 Oct 2008, 16:25,
3 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
Keeping SchtumA while back, my friend Tony purchased a pack of Polo designer underpants from a major cut-price clothing retailer.
He couldn't work out why they had been reduced in price: no snagging, no fading and certainly no shop soiling.
A few days later he was crouching down to put on a video and I could see why they had been a bargain. The stitching on the waistband at the back had obscured the "L" in the brand name so they bore the legend "Poo Pants".
Naturally I kept it to myself.
What should you have told somebody but didn't?
(, Mon 29 Sep 2008, 13:34, Reply)
Characters in pubsAmong the few 'interesting' characters we get in the pub where I work some evenings are...
Cain, who, incidentally, thinks he is the original Cain, and therefore immortal (he's shown me the alleged 'mark of Cain' on his wrist so I'm sure he's right) he stumbled down the immigrant part of town one sunny afternoon, declaring loud Holy War on the Muslims...when he got stabbed in the back (with a little pen knife) all that did was make him even more adamant that he is immortal, since he got straight back up to start ranting again...
Then there's another guy, elderly, and definitely black ...but rants and raves about teh 'fucking darkies!!' And how he hates them!! And when they appear on the tv he has to switch it off!! (and then presumbably come to teh pub to terrorise us.....)
Co-incidentally, Cain once chased him down the street with a knife..not sure if that was Holy War or just Larkin About....
There is Big Eyes...a little guy, about my height (five foot two) who doesn't speak...just squeaks a little and gestures at the John Smiths pump...he has HUGE eyes...I did try to engage him in a little friendly chat but it was no good, so I just leave him be now...
James is a sweet guy, elderly again, I'd say about 70 - he's got OCD, we think he forgets to eat for a few days, and boy, does he make up for it when he remembers - he has two dinners, two plates of bread and butter and normally extra potatoes and gravy too, then a sponge pudding (and always badgers for a few sachets of sugar too) followed by a bowl of icecream...all of which he vaguely aims at his mouth, constantly apologising (bless him) when we clear up the mess....and apologising also when he gets a bit confused when we tidy up near him, and he gets 'a bit excited' .... hmm....
That, on top of the ghostly occurences at the place, make for an entertaining evening, and makes me feel at home...
All the best peeps hang out in pubs like this...surely there must be more stories??
(
curvylittlegoth heard the voices in your head on, Tue 23 Sep 2008, 23:37,
1 reply,
16 years ago)
I spy sillynessI once saw a lecturer of mine walking along the kerb by themselves trying to balance in much the same way a 5 year old might.
When they noticed me watching it seemed very hard for them to act authoritarian again!
What silly things have you caught people doing?
(
palmr The speaking clock says:, Wed 17 Sep 2008, 19:13,
3 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
What aboutThings that make you laugh.
Silly little things that amuse you and make you smile. For me, it's when birds run. They wobble all over the shop and could just use their wings! Muppets.
It'd be a nice happy QOTW and EVERYONE laughs so everyone could find something to write!
(, Tue 16 Sep 2008, 13:30, Reply)
Most unfortunate tattoo.I studied Madarin Chinese at school for no better reason than I couldn't stand French.
Fat lot of good its done me so far.
However, the craze of Chinese character tattoos starting in the mid 90s has been a barrel of laughs.
There are so many idiot chavs utterly ignorant that their ever-so-cool tattoo is a misspelt, poorly written insult of some kind.
My favourite was some trashy bint who asked for her bfs name to be tattooed down her horribly podgy belly.
The tattoo 'artist' wrote 'supermarket' on her flabby flesh. Haaaaahh! Well, she did look like she was open 24 hours a day!
So what's your tragic tattoo story?
(, Wed 10 Sep 2008, 8:08, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)
Extreme!There's Extreme Frisbee, Extreme Ironing and probably Extreme Tapestry out there. How have you made a seemingly mundane hobby much more interesting?
(
crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 4 Sep 2008, 15:28,
2 replies,
latest was 17 years ago)
That's when I knew it was going to go horribly, horribly wrongThw worst kind of disaster is the one you see coming, but are powerless to stop. You've got just one moment to go "Oh SHIT" before something spectacularly bad happens. Tell us your stories.
(
Hdjejjwsjdjjf LOOK, Mon 25 Aug 2008, 16:50,
1 reply,
17 years ago)
Mad crap that schools/organisations got you to do which wouldn't be allowed now.We all know that kids nowadays are mollycoddled at school and such, but what dangerous/odd stuff did you to under supervision?
(
Monty Propps, Fri 22 Aug 2008, 13:02,
3 replies,
latest was 17 years ago)
A manual for meIf you had your own instruction manual, what would be in it?
(
mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Thu 21 Aug 2008, 15:52,
1 reply,
17 years ago)
Making Work FunWe all get bored at work, how can we make it more interesting?
(
Squiggy Alloria makes theme parks., Thu 14 Aug 2008, 13:34,
2 replies,
latest was 17 years ago)
Why did you choose your nickname?Everyone likes to think that their nickname represents them, or is in some way unique and extols the exact virtues that they have and want to project to the world.
Maybe thats why my nickname is that of an old tractor that I saw when I was young. Why did you choose your nickname and does it define you?
(, Wed 16 Jul 2008, 16:30, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
Cultural IconoclasmWe've had guilty pleasures and pet peeves. This is somewhere in between. What's the thing that others seem to think is completely top-hole, but which you've never liked and can't imagine liking? What piece of cultural iconoclasm would you like to commit?
Edited a bit to take into account Axeman Jim's reply, which is spiffing.
(
Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 11 Jul 2008, 15:02,
6 replies,
latest was 17 years ago)
duuuuuuhStupidity. The most powerful force in the universe. What's the stupidest thing you've ever seen/said/done/heard/posted on the internet for all to see?
(, Sun 6 Jul 2008, 19:09, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
I work in an airportIn the ladies' toilets there is a sign that reads 'During a terminal evacuation a red light will flash'.
I don't know what a terminal evacuation is, but I am now scared to take a shit at work.
What signs have amused / puzzled / terrified the hell out of you?
(
b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 2 Jul 2008, 13:51,
Reply)
chavsThey're everywhere. I met two prime examples recently, one of whom actually wore white jeans to a wedding. The other one asked me what kind of gyms we had in Scotland - "Big ones or little ones?", before expressing surprise that Scotland was also "fulla mahntins, innit"
Do tell us about your brushes with Britain's underclass.
(, Tue 1 Jul 2008, 12:47, 3 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
What is the biggest mess you've ever made?No restrictions on topic.
(
Zhmei HEY B3TA I WAS ON YOUR DINGY ISLAND AT LAST!1!, Fri 27 Jun 2008, 19:27,
1 reply,
17 years ago)
QOTW DiaryFor one week only, people post aboutt their everyday occurences and try to put a humourous/touching/entertaining spin on it.
People could edit their first post to include each entry and post a link to it (or the page number) on the latest page, that way people can accumulate clicks for being consistently funny throughout the week and everybody wins!
(
Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 8:51,
Reply)
World's most outrageous pullsI have a friend who tells girls that he invented dice. When rebuffed with the information that dice have been around for millennia he has a long story about how the ancient Egyptians did come up with the concept but he refined it into the current form of 6/1,5/2,4/3 on opposite sides. If there are two of us he explains that we were a partnership and he did 1-3 while I did 4-6.
I think he stole it from a fillum but it still works on occasion. I think this is very telling about the *ahem* calibre of women he pursues.
What is the most outrageous pulling attempt you've performed/witnessed, and how successful was it?
(, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 2:59, Reply)
Involuntary triggersI was driving to work this morning when one of those big trucks with 'Tipper Hire' on the front passed me going the other way. My reaction? My brain immediately kicked in with "Hello darlin', hello good lookin' " - as that was the one-hit wonder for Tipper Ire - you see? Tipper Hire's West Indian cousin. Every time I see one of those trucks, my brain does the same thing.
Similarly, EVERY time on the Radio 4 news, when it comes to the financial bit at the end of the news summary and Charlotte Green or whoever says "...in the City" my brain launches into "...there's a thousand things I want to say to you".
Do you have any similar mental triggers that you just cannot switch off?
...or is it just me?
(, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 10:50, 3 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
Usernames.We all have wonderful usernames.How did you decide upon yours?
(
Mstandot I suppose I should post more often., Mon 26 May 2008, 21:16,
3 replies,
latest was 17 years ago)
THINGS YOU LOVEBecause there's too much hatred in the pet peeves QOTW, we need a counter balance.
(
Thinker, Tue 6 May 2008, 15:51,
1 reply,
17 years ago)
Shit... I'm an asshole...We've all done it... our bodies have carried on without the brain's permission and only realised too late that we're being assholes.
My sister in law's BEST friend was visiting briefly, but had to return to her home country.. Sis in L was in tears.. and friend came down to explain... I mean to say "It must feel great to know that you mean that much to someone" ... But what actually came out was "you must be proud of yourself" ... cue silence, only to be broken by a slap from my then (and soon to be ex) missus.
What have you said and done - but realised too late - that it was completely out of place/order...
(
Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Thu 17 Apr 2008, 8:37,
2 replies,
latest was 17 years ago)
Kids.you either live then or hate them, and if you love them your wrong!
Tell us your stories of children being obnoxious, smartarsed or just little shits in general.
(
willenium Fist bump for verification, Sun 13 Apr 2008, 13:33,
Reply)
TravelFrom reading the QOTW, it would appear that many b3tans are very well-travelled, adventurous types. What's the best/worst travel experience you've ever had? Why?
(, Thu 3 Apr 2008, 10:55, Reply)
WebcamsA guy at school was widely rumoured to have broadcast himself having a dump via webcam.
Ever broadcasted anything regrettable over the interweb, deliberately or otherwise?
(, Sun 30 Mar 2008, 18:28, 1 reply, 17 years ago)
I thought I was alone...What have you done when you thought no-one was watching? Ever been caught?
(Try not to make all the answers about wanking!)
(, Sun 30 Mar 2008, 16:24, Reply)
GamblingI won a tenner on the lottery last night.
Anyone else had amazingly exciting experiences such as mine?
or what about bad experiences, such as pissing away a few grand on a single hand of blackjack.
(
Muns, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 14:00,
Reply)
petty annoyances that make you seethe with anger.we all know that wars and bitter, long vendettas can be caused by religion, politics, bigotry and people who don't use upper case letters. forget these vile affronts to all and revel in the generally irrelevant irritants which, if not unique to you, would at least spark your more mellow friends to tell you to relax and have them wonder if you're not just a sad, caustic grump.
i have far too many of these, sadly, as i'm generally unpleasant, but prominent among them is the 'high five'. it can be extrapolated to a general disdain for stupid behaviour, but beyond that i still have a visceral reaction to witnessing people perform this idiotic ritual. i cannot and will not participate in it, which used to bewilder team-mates in sports and games, and whatever elation or happiness i was previously displaying immediately transmutes into rage and antipathy if someone attempts to involve me in this moronic human contact.
(
postbear has metal knees, Mon 24 Mar 2008, 7:15,
Reply)
Am I normal?When I drink strong coffee, it makes my pee smell funny (and, I have to admit, quite nice). The few people I've actually asked about this are unable to confirm if this is normal or there's something wrong with my kidneys. And I'm not sure asking my doctor would be a good use of his - or my - time.
So, what about you makes you wonder if you're normal? And can anyone help me with my coffee pee dilema?
(, Sun 16 Mar 2008, 14:33, 1 reply, 17 years ago)
Rough clubsI used to go to a club where, one night, someone let off a teargas canister every hour, on the hour, three times. Note that the management decided not to close up the first two times.
What's the roughest pub/ club you've ever been to?
(
Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 7 Mar 2008, 12:56,
Reply)
Well, after DEATHLOLZHow about 'What's the loveliest thing you have ever done for someone without being asked? Or that someone else has done for you? Go on, make us all go 'Aaaahh!' and get all fluffy!'
(
..wil, Tue 4 Mar 2008, 14:08,
Reply)
soyesterday whilst i am juggling urgent files and attending training on law firm management that made the hands on my watch go backwards, staying at work til nearly midnight and then wandering home to a dark, empty flat with nothing but bills on the doorstep.... my former flatmate was flown to las vegas as a surprise, taken in a helicopter over the grand canyon and surprised with a proposal over a champagne brunch.
with an elizabeth duke joke sovereign ring and an appointment in hatton garden to have the real one made.
i am finding it quite difficult to say congratulations on this one. what's made you really bitter recently?!
edit - cheers ladies. i suppose i should say that i am really very happy for her, and she'd better make me a bridesmaid, esp as the wedding will be at st pauls (his parents are MBEs or something). i am just bitter for ME!!!!!
(
rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 4 Mar 2008, 13:13,
5 replies,
latest was 17 years ago)
A Bit Like Malaproprism.....I'm getting on a bit now (32) and not sure if its due to being old, years of listening to loud music, or what, but I constantly mis-hear things...Often I hear my hubby, slimtallgoth come out with Filth when he's innocently talking about What to Do For Tea or Have We Got Any Cider...other times I just annoy my teenager with coming out with Alternate Lyrics because I Can't Hear The Words Properly ((which is a Nightmare when your favourite band is System of a Down)) (I actually prefer my own to the Real Ones) such as:
The River - Good Charlotte...
I heard that evil comes disguised (combs the skies)
Like a city of angels
I'm walking towards the light
Baptized in the river (Bad times in the river)
I've seen a vision of my life
And I wanna be delivered (An' I wanna bit of liver)
FFWD
Now I'm trying to find my way back home
Baptized in the river (Bad times in the river)
I'm delivered (On a liver)
I'm delivered (On a liver)
-This, delivered at high volume from your mum is so uncool, especially when your cutie gf is also in the car...
Well...I guess I should really be suggesting a QOTW whereby we all tell tales of being fucking well embarrassed by parents (or embarrassing our kids) intentionally or not...
(
curvylittlegoth heard the voices in your head on, Thu 28 Feb 2008, 1:02,
2 replies,
latest was 17 years ago)
GhostsSimple really. Have you ever seen a ghost?
Ok, here is mine, bit long winded but I’ll tell it anyway.
My parents old house where we grew up was a very strange place. It was a big 5 bedroom place and a very weird design, really long hallways and it always looked like it was going to fall down.
Anyway, my bro (aged about 5 at this point) would always be laughing and crying with laughter as soon as he went to bed every night, this went on for weeks and everytime one of my parents walked into his room he would stop laughing and pretend to sleep. He would never say what was making him laugh so much, and I mean this went on all night until about 4ish when he would then fall asleep.
Then one night (which turned out to be our last in the house) he was really laughing and going completely nuts in his room, I walked in to see what he was doing (I was about 10 I reckon) and he stopped and started screaming about his “friend” He then told me that he was laughing at the children playing by the window, now there was f**k all by the window so I got spooked, he then said they were climbing up the bed to him and was laughing away again. I got out of there and ran down to mum & dad, dad came up with me and walked into his room and I followed. Bearing in mind this was pretty “normal” now so dad was just telling him to calm down etc etc. He then looked at me (I was over by the window) and just went completely white and staring into the top corner of the room. He slowly walked over to me picked me up and my younger bro and bolted out the room.
We went to our grans that night and never went back. Well us kids didn’t, I guess they did to pack, it was sold within a few weeks as it was going cheap (no sh*t) and we moved into a B&B whilst getting a new home.
My younger bro never had anymore laughing fits and doesn’t remember anything about it, my dad has never said what he saw and I don’t think I want to know.
I think it was about a year after we left that the house collapsed one night. It was a very strange place and ive got chills now just thinking about it.
Im not sure I believe in ghosts or anything as I didn’t see anything but I know it really scared my mum & dad who just refuse to talk about it.
(, Wed 20 Feb 2008, 5:47, Reply)
Stupid school rumoursHow about this what was the worst rumour you heard at school.
One for me was that i was stuck under my duvet and couldnt get out and thats why i was off school for a few days.
Oh yeah, one about our PE teacher.
He had massive cheeks that were really droppy down his face, the rumour was he was actually born with a bollock on each cheek but they had been removed, but thats why they were so long.
He was known as Bollock chops
(, Thu 14 Feb 2008, 1:47, Reply)
It's a leap year.The 29th of February is traditionally the day when women can ask men to marry them: if they say no, they have to give a pair of gloves to the woman.
So, my question is this: tell us your proposal stories. There must be some good ones out there.
For my part: I found out about the "rejection equals free gloves" tradition when I was 5. Cue me running up to every single male I could find on 29th Feb that year, and proposing. Including my father, brother, teachers, postman, owner of the village shop, and an awful lot of randoms on the way to and from school. They all said no, and THEN DIDN'T GIVE ME GLOVES. Bastards.
(, Wed 13 Feb 2008, 10:28, 3 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
I've never...Everyone's played the drinking game at some point. While playing it at uni with group of male mates, I found out something from my new girlfriend (of three weeks) that really didn’t need to find out while drinking with my mates in a busy pub. She was the only one drinking to "I've never… been raped" (and subsequently running off crying – she did drink first tho!)
So what have you found out about a loved one or friend at a rather inappropriate time?
(, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 10:52, Reply)
Bargains!About two weeks ago now I was searching teh interwebz for a nice new monitor for my nice new computer when I came across one particular 19" rather nice looking monitor for £13.... on amazon.... though a re-seller. "No way" I think but still its only £13 (£20 including p&p) so I decide to buy it and see what happens....
One week later a nice large parcel arrive so I open it half expecting to find said monitor with a screwdriver firmly implanted though the screen. I open it some more (there was lots of packaging, it was from Germany and those Germans don't half know how to pack) and eventually I pull out the box a wonderful fully working brand name monitor for not £130, not £100, not even £90 or £60 but £13.
Incidentally I think it was priced wrong on their site, It probably should of been £130 but still.
Bargain, I think so! Does anyone have any amazing bargain stories?
(, Wed 6 Feb 2008, 12:49, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
the weirdest place you've ever shaggedbe it in a cupboard, on a train or, like me, up a tree, i'm sure we'd all love to read them!
(
Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Mon 4 Feb 2008, 23:48,
6 replies,
latest was 17 years ago)
my heroyou sh!t your pants in public, your car breaks down in the middle of nowhere or you fall down a well.
tell me about who saved you and how the hell you got your a$$ in the situation to begin with.
(, Tue 29 Jan 2008, 1:07, Reply)
One-liner threatsHave you a favourite one-liner threat that you or a friend has used? Maybe there's loads you know but are too Polite/afraid/wimpish to have used.
Could be that there's one from a film you'd love to try out.
C'mon, let's all be Chuck Norris!
(, Mon 28 Jan 2008, 17:48, 1 reply, 17 years ago)
PolicePolice stories. You must have some. Pray share them with the world.
(
Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Wed 9 Jan 2008, 9:14,
Reply)
Those little things you do or sayFor example, when I'm at work (I'm a chef), I might have two steaks, and I must tell the waiter or waitress which is which (relating to how they are cooked). So I might say "rare to the left of you, well-done to the right" in order to fit the song lyric "clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right" from "Stuck in the middle with you".
If I'm driving on the motorway and change lanes, and a driver leaves the lane I have just entered and moves into the lane I have just left, I say "shall we dance?"
I'm not really talking about anything related to Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder or similar (although that could bring some interesting answers), just the little things you do for no real reason in your day-to-day life.
(
Amos E Wolfe makes vinyl signs and things like that, Thu 3 Jan 2008, 0:44,
2 replies,
latest was 17 years ago)
Stupid questions / stupid answersMy first exam as a student was in Environmental Biology.
In order to ease us in gently, the first question was "Why are plants green?"
Most of us correctly waffled on about the wavelengths of light absorbed by chlorophyll.
However, Richard M******* had other ideas :
"Why are plants green?"
"For camouflage."
(
finnbar has officially retired, Mon 31 Dec 2007, 10:25,
Reply)
ocdwhat stuff is there that you just HAVE to do, like turning all the ligths off and on when you come home.
(, Sun 30 Dec 2007, 20:31, 1 reply, 17 years ago)
Sheltered LivesI just recalled how one of my friends is so posh she hadn't eaten a pie until she came to uni.
What examples do you have of people who have gone through life not trying seemingly run of the mill things.
(
Slippery Mick ‏, Sat 1 Dec 2007, 21:43,
Reply)
I wonder what would happen if....As a young child I was bathed with my twin brother. On one occasion my dad left the bathroom for some reason, and we’re left alone splashing around. I looked up and noticed that the light socket didn’t have a bulb in it....I wonder what’s in that hole? I thought.
So. I gingerly balanced myself on the side of the bath, with my brother holding my legs, and (yes) stuck my fingers up the light socket.
The next thing I remember is being in the bedroom and concerned dad, and my brother looking as pale and shaky as I felt.
When has curiosity got the better of you?
(
Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Thu 1 Nov 2007, 11:45,
Reply)
The funniest thing I saw...Tired of all these depressing qotws? Lets have one that lifts our spirits.
What is the funniest thing you have ever seen?
Mine would be watching my two mates try to out hard-man each other. Things came to a head when mate #1 decides to eat a teaspoon of my hot sauce. This stuff is 50 times hotter than tabasco. His reaction was similar to an epileptic in a rave club. Epic stuff and had me nearly passing out from laughing so hard.
What is your funniest moment??
(, Fri 26 Oct 2007, 8:54, 1 reply, 17 years ago)
Are you old fashioned?Are you a Victorian gentleman stuck in a young person's body?
I use a straight (cut-throat) razor, a badger shaving brush, eat old sweets like liqorice, strong mints and humbugs, and I occasionally smoke a pipe.
My friends think I am a little strange - I am a 20 year old bloke who likes junk food and Warcraft..but I have my likes of older stuff. What about you lot?
(
moohalaa, Wed 3 Oct 2007, 16:14,
Reply)
Odd places to "scratch the itch"Let's face it, people: there are times when our hormones get the best of us, and we suddenly find ourselves with a desperate case of the horn when we really shouldn't. And be honest: there have been times when you've simply had to go for a quick wank, even though the time and/or place was bad.
So where's the oddest time/place you've rubbed one out?
(
The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Mon 24 Sep 2007, 19:16,
Reply)
National MottoApparently Gordon Brown wants a national motto,
www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/magazinemonitor/2007/09/the_friday_challenge.shtml
This is what the bbc news readers managed, I think we can do better.
(, Fri 21 Sep 2007, 21:07, Reply)
Most bizarre thing you have ever seen?A few years ago, I was driving down a main road and the guy in the car in front of me, whizzed some large slices of bread out of the window, over his car towards the pavement, and the bread hit a cyclist right in the face.
'Ha ha that bread hit that cyclist' chuckled me and pal.
Little further down the road, more bread flies out of the window and hits another cyclist in the side of the head!
Eh?
This guy in the car was on his own, so not trying to impress mates, he carried slices of bread in his car door pocket ready for innocent cyclists and his aim was spot on.
Beeeeezzare!
Length? Looked like Warbutons toastie sliced, about 6 inches I'd say.
(, Mon 17 Sep 2007, 15:12, Reply)
Cultural IgnoranceI seem to remember hearing the sorry tale of an American tourist visiting Italy and, upon seeing a restaurant serving Pizza, remarking: "Oh, look they have American food here."
Stories abound of ignorant tourists uttering unbelieveably dumb stuff. What musings of outstanding stupidity have you overheard?
(, Wed 12 Sep 2007, 22:01, Reply)
From the mouths of babes...Whilst watching "Mighty Joe Young" with my wife recently, one of the characters refers to the 900 pound gorilla. She asks me, "Is that how much it cost?".
Not so long after, watching puppets being ravished by cats in "Team America World Police" she asks me, "Are the puppets made of meat?".
What inciteful query has your darling spouse renderered you speechless with?
(, Wed 12 Sep 2007, 14:14, Reply)
Lies, damned liesAt university I had a friend who claimed to actually be a secret agent employed by the government, posing undercover as a languages student in order to travel "back and forth through the Iron Curtain without arousing suspicion". She told some great stories about seducing enemy agents and sometimes shooting them. All utterly ridiculous, not least the fact that she told absolutely everyone about the latest "top secret plans", the disclosure of which "could jeopardise England as we know it". But the best bit was that another of my friends actually believed every word.
What are the most entertaining lies that people have told you? And did you fall for them?
(, Sat 1 Sep 2007, 3:14, Reply)
Call centresWithout giving too much away, I've got a shiny new job in a call centre at a public service "provider". Unusually for a call centre, this place really DOES record all calls "for training purposes" (most don't - in my experience, they either sit next to you or listen remotely, but don't record), and they played some, uh, less successful calls by people who are "no longer with this organisation" for us today. Oh - my - glub. Never in my wildest experience of numptydom have I encountered such limited concepts of "customer service", and I've been on the dole.
We've all done time under the headset, so what's your best story, as customer or phone monkey? Hint: Telemarketers REALLY, REALLY want you to say the magic phrase "Please take my name off your calling list". They're not allowed to say it, but once asked, they are legally obliged to do it. (In Australia anyway.)
(, Wed 8 Aug 2007, 12:29, Reply)
What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.....What bizarre things have you or your friends got upto when abroad and unsupervised?
That way, Nikdude has an excuse to elaborate on The Ballad of Pervy Matt ;)
(, Mon 23 Jul 2007, 3:44, Reply)
But... but... it's all true!So we've discussed the lies you've told, and the things you've got away with. Now, the reverse. I was once filling in some paperwork for a project where I used to work, and one question was 'list your publications'. So I did.
Next day, I had the Fat Controller on the phone - 'What's all this? Don't you know this stuff is serious?'
I couldn't get him to believe it was true, so I called the guy working on the document and told him to delete that bit. He said that he had anyway, as 'I knew it was bollocks'.
So, the question is: what have you not managed to convince people of, even though it was true?
(, Fri 20 Jul 2007, 19:47, Reply)
Childhood GamesMany children have imaginary friends, I had an imaginary husband and child at the tender age of three. My boyfriend on the other hand liked to pretend to be a dog to the point of peeing like one and eating dog food.
I'm sure we weren't alone in these curious pastimes, what weird games did other b3tans play as kids?
(, Tue 3 Jul 2007, 13:01, Reply)
PranksI love the prank idea, its great.
Inspired by Dara O'Brinan, whenever i go on the underground (not very often), i set an alarm with a ringtone for 10 mins into the journey, usually by this time we're in the darkest depths of the underground where no-one ever has a signal.
My phone 'rings', i pretend to answer it and make suprised comments about horrorfic news stories or stock market crashes. Its great to see the business men tearing their hair out...
(, Fri 8 Jun 2007, 11:56, Reply)
"And that's the thanks I got"On getting screwed over by people for whom you were doing a favour:
I spent several weeks helping my best friend - a complete layabout - with his A-Level computer science project so he wouldn't fail his course. In the end, he did so little work I actually ended up doing the whole thing for him in a half-term week I should really have spent revising for my own exams.
I got back to college to find that while I was hunched over a red-hot BBC Micro, he had spent the week screwing my girlfriend.
Then he didn't bother sitting the exam because "I'm going to fail anyway".
And that's the thanks I got.
(
Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Wed 9 May 2007, 10:57,
Reply)
Now......I've always had something of an obsession with spiders. Don't know why, they're just fascinating - to the point where I know latin names, can identify the spider in the bath and so on and so forth.
Few years back now, went to see Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban with my then best friend. Great film, had a laugh, ate too much popcorn, all the usual stuff, except one scene really bothered me. Stood up at the end, and delivered the line I'm still strangely proud of, but have yet to live down:
"It was great, but the spider in the boggart scene was wrong. The spinnerets indicate it was meant to be Latrodectus mactans*, but the markings were quite clearly Latrodectus hasselti**."
The entire cinema went silent, and I got stared at all the way to the car. The best friend never forgave me for "making a spectacle" of her, which was quite alright by me as she was a clingy little cow anyway :)
*Black Widow
**Redback Spider (from the same family, but with distinct differences)
What's the geekiest thing you've ever done?
(, Sat 5 May 2007, 8:56, Reply)
Accidental insultsNot sure if this has been done already, but where you say something offensive 'accidentally'...
an example:
I was on a short course learning to speak spanish, with a friend of mine.
We turn up and start chatting to an Aussie guy about this and that. He notices my can of Red Bull and tells me that it's banned in America.
"Really?" says I,"That's weird, but then there all fucking idiots over there"
Aussie man stammers for a minute, then replies "but, I'M Australian".
"Yeah, I know." says me, wondering why he's bothered to tell me that, considering it's completely obvious by his accent.
Anyway, the lesson starts so chit-chat finishs. At the end of the lesson I turn to say goodbye to him, but he's already stormed off.
My friend pointed out that I'd misheard him. He hadn't said it was america the drink was banned, and yes - it WAS Australia.
So, I'd just insulted him and his fellow countrymen to his face. and the fucker was built like a brick shithouse.
It's a funny old world...
(, Tue 1 May 2007, 0:45, Reply)
Have you ever experienced actual Karma?Did it work in your favour?
(
b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 24 Apr 2007, 18:25,
Reply)
look, i just... i can't come if you won't wear lederhosen. put them on, please?what's the weirdest thing you've ever said/done to put someone off you on purpose.
(
greenish, Sun 22 Apr 2007, 15:53,
Reply)
Shamelessly and audaciously stolen from another siteWhat's the most audacious thing - illegal or otherwise - you've ever got away with?
(
Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 19 Apr 2007, 19:39,
Reply)
It's not what it looks like!What compromising situations have you got yourself into, with cause for others to think you're the one what done it?
(, Wed 18 Apr 2007, 17:15, Reply)
Small AdsI recently joined an internet dating agency because I am both sad and lonely.
It says all the usual - I like films, I like the internet *belms*
But I'd be interested to know your dating ad. In fact, I'll pay to put the best one on and see how many replies it gets.
Probably more than mine.
(, Thu 8 Mar 2007, 9:00, Reply)
You want to do what with my what?I read a book called "The Encyclopedia of Unusual Sex Practices" and could not believe what some people need to float their boat. I have personally been asked by a complete stranger in the street if I would remove my shoes and let him smell my feet. What is the strangest run in with a real life fetishist you have had?
(, Mon 5 Mar 2007, 19:57, Reply)
What golden opportunity for mischief have you siezed?My phone just rang: "Hello? Is theis the Ampol Petrol Station on Lane Cove Road? My car is in for a service and I wondered if it's ready to pick up."
I said no, sorry, you have the wrong number and hanged up.
Then started banging my head on the desk.
Why did I not say "Yes! Yes this is the service station and you should come in immediately, we found some blood stains in the boot and the police are here running tests"
Knowing the bastardry of the b3tards, I'm sure others would have reacted better.
(
difficultchild, Fri 16 Feb 2007, 1:33,
Reply)
Poor SportsmanshipAt the conclusion of my first cycle race, I emptied my waterbottle on two girls who were cheering the finishers. Just because I hadn't won. That, my friends, is bad sportsmanship. Can anyone provide more examples?
(, Thu 15 Feb 2007, 1:20, Reply)
What's the biggest number you've ever counted to?(
Paster of Muppets is an incredible screen name, Sat 3 Feb 2007, 0:53,
Reply)
Health and SafetyDespite the fact that Health and Safety guidelines are stupidly over-stringent and idiot-proof, my kitchen would make even me shudder.
Example: My sister was washing up today, and when I complained that a bowl wasn't washed up properly and smelt like gone-off milk, she just tutted annoyedly and shoved it in the cupboard. And there is mould in the gap between cooker/worksurface and fridge/worksurface. And we had an infestation of flies in December.
What experiences have you had that would petrify a health and safety officer?
(, Mon 29 Jan 2007, 0:10, Reply)
Tales of the UnexpectedIn today's Metro there is a story about a girl who's boyfriend got down on one knee, but rather than proposing as she expected, he stabbed her.
When have you been on the receiving end of somtething completely unexpected?
(, Tue 23 Jan 2007, 16:13, Reply)
What do you always fuck up despite knowing better?I asked this over on /talk and it got lots of good answers.
(
frunt It's been a while..., Sun 7 Jan 2007, 22:25,
Reply)
OoooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooo!!!tell me how crazy or 'different' you're science teacher is!!!!!
(
Sir T. Skellington, Thu 16 Nov 2006, 12:57,
Reply)
What's your biggest dissapointment ever?memories of crap christmas presents, dull birthdays and life experiences that turned out to be utterly the opposite of fun.
(, Wed 1 Nov 2006, 12:07, Reply)
"I like this!" or erm, not.Slightly off topic but we desperately need a "This is shit" link to go alongside the existing "I like this" link on QOTW. I propose more than 10 clicks on "This is shit" removes an entry from the board.
I'm sure everyone (or are we in a minority now) knows where I'm coming from here.
(, Wed 18 Oct 2006, 16:51, Reply)
I've Been On TVEverybody's been on telly at least once, even by accident. I've been immortalised on Welsh TV by mouthing "Who the fuck is that?" at Big Brother's Glyn during a report on Wales Today where he returns to North Wales, which I live.
Actually been on TV twice, but I'm saving my second story for if this question gets nominated.
(, Tue 3 Oct 2006, 10:19, Reply)
It seemed like a good idea at the time.Once, during a GCSE science lesson, we were using those ultra accurate digital scales. I had a bag of weed in my pocket, out of which i'd just smoked a rather nice joint over the lunch-break, so i obviously thought it'd be a good idea to weigh it to see exactly how much weed i had.
Somebody grassed me up and i ended up being suspended for three weeks and only escaped being expelled by the skin of my teeth.
What's the most unbelievably stupid thing you've done which seemed perfectly logical at the time?
(, Tue 26 Sep 2006, 20:16, Reply)
how to type a wookie noise?some people can imitate chewbacca from star wars, but can you type like him?
original idea from swaza.
(
Mr. Johnson, Tue 26 Sep 2006, 11:23,
Reply)
Stupid Americans encounters.I'm American and love reading about negative encounters with my fellow Americans. Even though some of us know that London is not a country and Stonehenge was not built close to a road and know how to pronounce Leicester Square.
(, Fri 18 Aug 2006, 13:35, Reply)
Journeys from HellMy 2 year old had a severe attack of vomiting in the back of my car. 6 times between Swindon and Reading. On a freezing cold, pitch black night. Scooping sick out of my door pockets is not my idea of fun, only to have them refilled 10 minutes later
What have been your journeys to or from hell
Extra points if you went on a train to Auschwitz.
(
Roland E O'Dorant R Tape loading error, 0:1, Wed 16 Aug 2006, 23:12,
Reply)
Family names for thingsMy daughter recently asked her boyfriend to:
"Pass the green scritchy"
Funnily enough he had no idea what she was talking about. She thought that because we always called the flat rectangular green scouring pads 'green scritchies', that everyone else did too.
What have you always thought was accepted usage only to be embarrassed about later when you realise the truth?
(, Wed 16 Aug 2006, 12:01, Reply)
Your eBay storiesMy friend got a projector worth around £1500 from eBay for only £200 because the seller didn't know what it was. I picked up a NeGcon for a quarter of what it was really worth. I love eBay.
What great bargains have you got from eBay? What's the weirdest thing you've bought, and were you sober? What horrors have you seen for sale (no stealing from disturbingauctions.com, please)? Have you made a nice profit from something?
Tell us your weird and wonderful eBay misadventures.
(
Bob Todd whee, Thu 3 Aug 2006, 16:29,
Reply)
Talk your way out of THAT one then!Just before the end of the semester (but before the exams started) I was caught while receiving head in the University library.
Due to the lack of blood reaching my brain I was unable to think of an excuse that would simultaneously explain away my raging erection and the man-batter dribbling from the corner of my girlfriend's mouth.
My gf mumbled something along the lines of
"...sociolology experiment...testing people's reactions in a public location.."
and other such bollocks.
Not sure if the librarian was convinced or not.
Got banned from the library too.
What awkward situations have you been caught in and what brilliant/terrible excuses did you use to gt out of it?
(, Sat 22 Jul 2006, 20:53, Reply)
Time travelIf you could go back in time and hangout with your past self, what kind of stuff would you do?
(, Wed 19 Jul 2006, 6:40, Reply)
simple things that give you an overinflated feeling of achievementFor example, when I put petrol in my car, if I can stop the delivery EXACTLY on the nearest £ instead of going 1 or 2 pence over then I am ecstatic. The same goes when I lay out a log in the bog and wipe my arse to find that it's spotless... killer turd! Satisfying and CLEAN! What makes you absurdly pleased despite its relative lack of importance on the world stage?
(
Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Thu 22 Jun 2006, 0:38,
Reply)
ruined!What songs can you not listen to anymore due to people/places/events ruining them for you?
(, Sun 4 Jun 2006, 21:37, Reply)
Weird and wonderful flatmate stories!You know, like the wweird guy/girl who secretley takes your photo. That weird underwear stealer...
Or the bastard who won't stop eating your food...
(, Wed 17 May 2006, 20:25, Reply)
Things you say in your sleep"What are you doing up?"
"Not at this stage in the competition"
(, Mon 15 May 2006, 15:46, Reply)
You fucking spent it on what!?!what have people been doing to waste thier money?
I work for a market resurch company, that conducts telephone surveys. One of our biggest customer is the post office, so the next time you see any news about pay disputes at the royal mail, or you letters dont show up for weeks or not at all, keep this in mind: The post office is spending THE PRICE OF A HOUSE A WEEK on customer satisfaction surveys.
tell me more wastes of money
(
willenium Fist bump for verification, Mon 24 Apr 2006, 12:18,
Reply)
No, Darling dont say that.....Whilst taking my kids home on the bus, the youngest exclaimed she could smell "poo" from the man infront of us.
As I tried in vain to ignore her, she thought I hadn't heard so said it loudly and more insistantly 4 more times.
Anyone else been subjected to gems "from the mouths of babes"?
(
Fire & Forget it's the only way to be sure, Wed 8 Mar 2006, 8:39,
Reply)
What have you done that will condemn you to fiery hell for all eternity?Ever done something totally unforgivably awful that practically guarantees you a place in the fiery pits of hell with Satan prodding a toasting fork in your arse?
(
Gilgamesh gazed in wonder as Frampton came alive, Thu 16 Feb 2006, 19:19,
Reply)
Valentines Day DisastersI once made a girl burst into tears and run out of a club on Valentines day, accusing her amongst other things of being a cockteasting bitch.
She was the subject of my long planned Valentines day treat earlier. The details are too embarassing to go through, although the whole pre-making her cry thing was top notch!
Seasonal isn't it, the season of valentines day.
(, Thu 9 Feb 2006, 9:26, Reply)
Quitting in a blaze of gloryWe've all had those jobs that suck. Most of us have quit a job at sometime. Some go quietly, some go out in a blaze of glory.
What's your quitting story, where you told your boss where to shove it?
(, Mon 6 Feb 2006, 2:24, Reply)
Ghost of a chanceWhen I was younger I reportedly saw the ghost of my great grandfather. I don't remember it happening and used to be convinced I was merely being wound up by my parents.
However, recently on a 'might be fun for a laugh' trip to a medium, I was told I had untapped medium-style abilities and that I had seen a ghost once when I was younger. Spoo-ky (albeit not too spectacular or funny - I'm sure you can do better). So, fellow b3tans, let's share our supernatural experiences!
(, Fri 25 Nov 2005, 14:07, Reply)
As it's Thanksgiving here in the US,let's have one for the Yanks!
What's your worst Thanksgiving day?
Actually, that's rather crap. Never mind!
So, how about what is your worst cooking disaster?
(
Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Wed 23 Nov 2005, 4:04,
Reply)
Jokes that no one gotEver crack a joke that you thought was amazing but went over everyones' heads?
Was in Blackpool and the Pepsi Max roller coaster was closed due to high winds, yet loads of people were still queueing, so they could be first if it opened. "Hmm, that must be the optimists queue" said a friend, "And it's half full already!!" said I. Nothing but blank looks. *sigh*.
(, Tue 22 Nov 2005, 12:34, Reply)
Poor taste officer jokesHow about a thread on poor taste jokes? Like this - from our office last week.
A friend was doing a crossword and was stuck on a word. He asked for help but the letters didn't match up.
"Does anything else fit?" he asked.
"An epileptic?" a colleague replied.
(, Mon 21 Nov 2005, 16:53, Reply)
Weird Driving LessonsI've had some really weird experiences when I was learning to drive, which started from my 1st instructor's car gearbox falling out to freak fogs and blizzards, all in the space of seven lessons.
My 2nd driving instructor almost caused me to crash...not because he was a fecking pervert but because he told me his ideals on the disabled studying to earn their "A Level Paper Tearing Certificate". I almost plowed into a roundabout while laughing too hard.
Anyone else have odd things while learning to drive?
(
Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 18 Nov 2005, 9:26,
Reply)
and that was the end of fluffyhave you ever managed to kill a family pet
(
spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Tue 8 Nov 2005, 10:21,
Reply)
Party TricksThere's a bloke i met who can do the condom-through-the-nostril-and-out-the-mouth thing, in both nostrils, at the same time.
What can you do to gross people out/make them laugh at parties?
(, Thu 6 Oct 2005, 22:40, Reply)
Strange or funny turns of phraseHave you ever heard a saying or turn of phrase that made you laugh?
things like: He was as dry as a cat's arse
As popular as a ginger haired stepson.
A face like a bulldog licking piss off a nettle. A c*nt like a ravaged windsock. Etc etc
(, Thu 6 Oct 2005, 17:23, Reply)
Getting Conned!Everybody's been conned out of cash! What did you buy from a dodgy salesman that you could have got from Argos at a tenth of the price? How badly did you get conned and what was the moment you realised that you had parted with more money than necessary?
(, Thu 6 Oct 2005, 0:35, Reply)
CAUGHT YOU!What have you caught people doing?
Did your dad think he could get away with bumming the cat while you popped off to the shops? Ever walked in on your boss having a wank into the waste paper bin? Did one of your friends at school lend you a video that he thought was "Monster Trucks" but instead was actually a video of him eating his own sister out?
Tell all.
(, Thu 15 Sep 2005, 19:01, Reply)
Rude AwakeningsI once woke up from a sexy dream to find a spider on my cock.
What's the worst way you've woken up?
(
gronkpan @vomitinglarry.bsky.social, Tue 6 Sep 2005, 13:51,
Reply)
I took one for the team!Once I had to spend 2 hours “distracting” a fat Munter just so my mate could get in with her fit friend. Name any instant when you served the greater good and took one for the team!
(, Wed 24 Aug 2005, 13:24, Reply)
Small victoriesLife is a series of small victories.
My particular favourite is to drive up to a free pump at the station, bypassing all the drivers waiting for a pump on the same side as their petrol cap, make it very obvious that the tube reaches around BOTH sides of the car, fill up, pay and return to the car giving the slightest of smug grins to the driver who still hasnt moved.
Makes my day that does. What small victory makes yours?
(
I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Wed 17 Aug 2005, 16:53,
Reply)
Conversation stoppers-Situations where somebody drops something into an otherwise normal conversation that leads to awkward silence. Can't immediately think of an example, you know the sort of thing though. Like when your gran randomly announces a liking for anal sex during a family dinner or something. Not that mine has, I hasten to add.
And I mean just anal sex, not her enjoying anal sex, but only during a family dinner. That'd just be weird.
(
Shrub Rocketeer is a twisted emotional husk, Tue 16 Aug 2005, 22:51,
Reply)
I wish I'd thought of that at the timeWhen insulted, it's often hard to think of a comeback line at the time, but a corker often dawns on you later which you really wish been there at the moment it was needed. Examples.....
(, Mon 15 Aug 2005, 1:53, Reply)
Has this been brought up?I don't know all of the past QofW entires, so here is a random idea I got in the shower this morning:
There have been a few humor skits done on TV (I clearly remember at least one) on fake an advertisement for a 'clean-up' service on your room after your death. The idea is simple: when you die, these people came in and cleaned all smutty things from your room, leaving your parents happy thinking you were a good lad.
So, that in mind, I thought, 'what would b3tans want to be left undiscovered (or discovered for purpose of shock) to their close ones when die?'
yes? no?
Just a thought, really.
(, Sun 14 Aug 2005, 6:50, Reply)
Course of action in the following difficult situation...You're locked in a large bathroom with a bath, shower cubicle, toilet, sink and bidet (all in an attractive cream porcelain finish) and a large mirror on the wall. You're 35 feet up on the second storey of a large town house in, say, South Shields. There's a fire raging outside the bathroom, possibly started by Keith Flint, and to open the door and walk onto the landing would spell certain doom. In the bathroom with you there is:
a feather duster;
a warm can of Special Brew;
a copy of Woman's Weekly from October 1987;
an aloe vera plant with one of them little plastic gnomes in the soil;
two geckos;
a randy gibbon eyeing you up knowingly.
It's two minutes til last orders at the pub. What do you do?
(, Thu 11 Aug 2005, 15:13, Reply)
Losing ControlPhysical harm of a close family member or friend, being abusive to a slow-witted customer... you get the picture. Have any of you b3tards ever totally lost self control?
(, Mon 8 Aug 2005, 20:39, Reply)
Driving DisastersDriving School can be erratic. My own mother was inches away from crashing the family car into Grandmother's tree because our father was a SHIT driving instructor.
Your driving disasters, ladies and gentlemen?
(, Sat 6 Aug 2005, 22:40, Reply)
QOTWI don't think that this is a suggestion but it was both funny and recent and I want to share it with you good people.
I was travelling from London to York on the 2000 train yesterday in a fairly busy carriage when the dulcet tones of a young Welsh woman called Kerry began to rise above the normal chatter in the carriage. It became apparent that not only was she utterly witless but that she was trying to organise a conference call between her boss (a chap named Michael), who was also clearly witless and several other parties, at least two of whom Michael didn't know (but she reassured him that he was not to worry-bless). Anyway, after about ten minutes of repeatedly reading out the dial in number and password and giving the details of the people who would be joining him she hung up only to be rung back by the witless Michael who couldn't manage to dial the frigging number so the whole process began again.
At about this point I noticed the two faceless suits sitting on the next table were pissing themselves laughing and lo the reason was apparent as they, the underhand dogs, had rung the concall from their mobiles and were awaiting Michael's joining them!
Michael did so and they introduced themselves as the two people that poor Michael didn't know and the concall got underway with the fair Kerry blissfully unaware, due to the miracle that is iPod, that her clueless boss was being taken to task by her co-passengers. Needless to say their mirth overtook them and they fessed up with the expression that they represented Coach C on the London to Newcastle train and would he ring Kerry and tell her to shut the fuck up!
Cue- bring bring "Hello, yes, what!" Kerry leaps top her feet and shouts "who has been on my conference call heh, which one of you heh?" and bursting into tears.
She changed carriages at Peterborough!
(, Wed 20 Jul 2005, 14:04, Reply)
What would you do on the day before the apocalypse?I'd inject myself with the T-virus and feast on some brains.
(Similarly, "What would you do if you had one day left to live?")
(, Wed 6 Jul 2005, 20:30, Reply)
If you were an evil genius, what would you create?I'd create a virus that wiped out dogs. All dog owners would then have to find something else cute and fluffy that doesn't stink and shit everywhere.
(, Wed 29 Jun 2005, 15:04, Reply)
Let Us Be a Bit FluffierSome of the last QOTW fave been a forum for rants.
How about we describe what we love about our villages / towns / cities / countries?
I have moved to Sydney and it is winter. It's a lovely change to be so cold after sweltering for months. The sky is clear and crisp, and to rug up in gloves and scarves is fun.
Being from London, I miss the balmy days and the fact it stays light so late, and I miss the lovely long evenings sitting in a beer garden with all the gorgeous flowers.
Tell us what you love about where you live...
(
Strangey is present at, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 12:25,
Reply)
Religious jokesIn response to a new government bill which officially eliminated religious hatred, but actually prevents us from telling religious jokes (most of which are funny and in reasonably good taste), I think we should all make a real effort to defy the government and the nanny state in the most amusing way ever.
That's right folks, give us your religious jokes.
(, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 11:27, Reply)
I was so bored one day I....Shaved off all my pubic hair
(
Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Wed 22 Jun 2005, 14:15,
Reply)
'Could you just...'Having been recently asked to do something I consider a little bizarre in the bedroom (no, not putting up slanty bookshelves), I wondered what fellow B3tans have been called upon to perform in the name of getting someone off.
And if you could go back in time to meet your past self, what would you say? I'd tell my 18 year-old self not to bother lusting after Mark - he came out when I was 19, and I had turned down a shag from his delicious best friend when I was 18 as I thought it might 'ruin my chances'. *sniff*
(, Wed 25 May 2005, 22:07, Reply)
Secret RuderyI once sat on my mate's sofa having a civilised discussion with his mum about mortgages.
Unbeknown to her, all the while my left hand was surreptitiously tucked inside the dressing gown of his mum's friend, rubbing feverishly away on her big hairy fanny.
Has anybody else ever got up to some rude behaviour in full view of other people who have remained entirely ignorant of what was going on?
(, Fri 20 May 2005, 12:51, Reply)
QOTWHow about "How I Got My Nickname"
Everyone on the board has one so there must be some tales in how they came about.......
(
Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 19 May 2005, 11:22,
Reply)
user nameshow did people get their user names?? there've got to be some stories there...
(
rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 11 May 2005, 16:58,
Reply)
Messed Up DreamsWhats the most weird dream you've ever had?
The other day i had a dream that i worked for the leader of North Korea Kim Jong-Il and i polished his shoes and made him toast.
Hmmmmmmm...
(, Thu 21 Apr 2005, 21:52, Reply)
Self proclaimed laws, rules and theoriesSometimes things you see out in the world conform to rules,laws or theories you have made up yourself...for example I have proclaimed the theory of "chubbing up" several times in the pub to anyone who is stupid enough to listen and have yet to be proved wrong.
This states if you see a couple where one of the partners is significately larger than the other, they have "chubbed up" during the time of the relationship rather than started dating when they were that size, The other loves them enough not to mention it.
However if they are ever dumped they will return to the original size to re-enter the dating pool
There are several other laws, rules and theories my strange brain has made up to explain human/machine/animal behaviour.
What have you explained away?
(
Not just a hatstand inflamed in the membrane inflamed in the brain, Thu 14 Apr 2005, 12:25,
Reply)
if you were invisable for one day..what would you do?
man im on a roll ! 3 question ideas in one hour!
(
willenium Fist bump for verification, Sun 13 Mar 2005, 9:18,
Reply)
Waking upWhat is teh most interesting situation you have ever woken up in?
(, Tue 22 Feb 2005, 19:31, Reply)
Stupid things people say which aren't PCChap in the office just said
"Coloureds prefer green bananas"
I'm still puzzled about it...
(, Thu 27 Jan 2005, 10:14, Reply)
not a question exactly...more a request.
any chance you can put a "cunt" link next to the "i like this!" link so we can vote on the biggest fuckwits who just post random oh so funny sarcastic comments that clutter up the otherwise great stuff on the question of the week page.
hanrahan.
(
hanrahan, Fri 3 Dec 2004, 15:05,
Reply)
or..Schoolteachers,
I had a history teacher called Mr Duncan who used to kick furniture about in anger if we didnt do homework and was famous for dropping his pens an looking up lasses skirts.
He was suspended and then sacked a year after i left.
surey theres plenty of stories like this, theres enough fucking strange teachers and most PPL went to school at some point...
TTFN
(, Mon 4 Oct 2004, 20:09, Reply)
pub quiz namesI'm bored of our quiz team name in our local every Tuesday. I want a new one. I've run out of inspiration.. And if I hear 'Norfolk and Chance' once more, I might go and cut my bollocks off, just cos it's something new.
Ok maybe not, but here are a few that I've heard which almost amused me...
Whale Oil Beef Hooked
If You See Kay
My wife can't fight, but you should see her box.
The Feeky Chuckers
Any suggestions?
(, Wed 7 Jul 2004, 14:18, Reply)
Farily obvious, probably unoriginal but...Under what circumstances did you lose your virginity?
(
ma0sm, Mon 5 Jul 2004, 23:09,
Reply)
Worst boss you've ever had, and whyprobably s/he's a cunt, and only that
(, Wed 30 Jun 2004, 14:32, Reply)
Shitiest job you've done. Purely for the money, of course. Jobs you really hated.As there are lots of students here, this ought to produce a few good ones.
I've been a chef, cleaner, engineer, mechanic, office clerk, burger flipper and many others.
Mostly I leave a trail of distruction and burned bridges when I leave.....
(, Thu 24 Jun 2004, 8:01, Reply)
Fear My Super PowersAlthough I am sadly unable to fly or control the weather with lasers, I do have the ability to always know what the time is
I haven't worn a watch for years and I'm never more than two minutes out
Do any other b3tans have magic scary powers with no practical purpose?
(, Tue 22 Jun 2004, 11:55, Reply)
best responses to cold callsor best prank calls all together..
(
Naive Amoeba Bored Cig, Fri 18 Jun 2004, 14:34,
Reply)
funniest injury?i broke a finger running down the hall like an aeroplane.
(, Tue 8 Jun 2004, 15:41, Reply)
horrible childhood tormentsmy brothers used to torment me to f0ck- here's a selection-
one thing that used to bother me is driller on the c64 - my brothers used to put that on knowing it made me cry.
telling me fig biscuits were squashed fly cakes so i wouldn't eat them.
They also played public enemy backwards for the sole purpose of saying it was demons to make me cry.
A few times they woke me up telling me the house was on fire, taking advantage of my near-dreamlike-close-to-hallucinagenic-state they told me to put the house out with the first thing they thought of - this would usually be something like lasagne or turds
The WORST thing i can remember, is on old car stereos or some clock radios - at the far end of the listenable range, you can pick up a test signal (i assume for aeroplanes or something) - my dad used to have a job and it involved driving around to customers - when we were younger my brothers and i used to join him - when he went out the car they used to put this sound on, and i would f88king scream until it went off (i was 3 at the time ok??!?) - i still can't listen to it now - its an awful awful noise - the double-whammy of its sh1tness is that my brothers used to threaten me with beating-ups if i told my dad - so i had to endure the noise until i saw my dad come out from the customers house. this could be anything up to half an hour/hour - believe me - i f{cking hate that noise.
another one is my middle brother (i have 2) once put a plastic turd in my potty, and my mum praised me by saying "goooood booooy" in this way i cannot describe - until my brother told her it was fake - she wasn't pleased with him, to this day they still tell people this story. and my brother still does the impression of my mum.
Just in interest, me and my brothers get on great now :D
- do you have any stories of mental torment from siblings?
(, Fri 23 Apr 2004, 3:03, Reply)
Busted!What's the worst thing you've done as a kid when your parents were away? Did you get away with it?
(, Fri 23 Apr 2004, 0:55, Reply)
Fwapmost embarrasing wank tales? Ill pull up a kitten to hear it. *fwap *fwap
(
Well, not quite Will be nice for food, Sun 14 Mar 2004, 23:30,
Reply)
I'm applying for Big Brother this year...and it made me think about andy warhol's '15 minutes of fame' statement, so i cunningly devised this one...
What is your claim to fame?
Everybody has one, whether you were on tv/film, or you just met some gayer off the radio.
Maybe you won a conveyor belt and a set of swing doors on the generation game, or perhaps you were 'lucky' enough to be on Bullseye
(
lo, the Greebo Warrior - Est. 2002, Thu 26 Feb 2004, 9:42,
Reply)
heres a confession.........of which im rather proud!!I've been told to "fuck off" by both Bobby Davro and John McCriddick (This is true!!).
Has someone famous ever delivered you a profanity?
(
frogdoctor learning the hard way since 1972., Tue 17 Feb 2004, 19:53,
Reply)
how aboutthe worst things that happened to you while having (or trying to have) sex? This could be injuries, embarassing faux pas etc?
I once slipped half off my ex's bed in flagrante cracking my head off the bedside table, and was unconscious for about 10 mins while she struggled 'neath me to get out. bitch called an ambulance as well.
SHE got dressed by the time 2 cackling paramedics arrived. o so very, very, funny.
(, Fri 30 Jan 2004, 0:21, Reply)
Worst AssociationsNo, not "RSPB" etc.
A bit like hearing a certain record "takes you back" - washing up the dishes reminds me of actually shagging this really skanky bird years ago.
So what weird events enter your head while doing mundane regular things?
(, Wed 28 Jan 2004, 16:46, Reply)
Missed oppurtunitiesWhat is the one thing you still kick yourself when you think about?
(
Mystery_Bob, Tue 20 Jan 2004, 14:04,
Reply)
What are your most disgusting room mate/flat mate stories?They're filthy, they're loud, they leave disgusting hairs on your soap... They're ROOMMATES FROM HELL and we've all lived with them!
What did they do & how did you get revenge???
(
CaptainKirk, Sun 18 Jan 2004, 6:03,
Reply)
Does my arse look big in this?situations created by the wrong answers to questions like these from girlfriends/wives
(, Sat 17 Jan 2004, 14:55, Reply)
irrational obsessionsI HAVE to eat an even number of things. Chewing gum for example - I get very upset if someone takes just one chewing gum, because it leaves me with an odd number. Same if I drop a crisp. I have to drop one more, to make it even.
(, Fri 16 Jan 2004, 14:53, Reply)
pain and hospitalswhat's the worst medical thing that has happened to you, or someone you know? Did surgery go wrong? Did you turn green and sprout petals from your belly button? Or did you find out that you had AIDS, only to be told that, actually, you didn't really, it was an April Fool?
(, Wed 14 Jan 2004, 13:14, Reply)
Near death experiences...Have you ever had your life flash before eyes?
(
harribo, Wed 14 Jan 2004, 13:12,
Reply)
R Kelly Tell us a joke about popular R&B singer R Kelly.
For example:
Which R&B singer has a boat?
Oar Kelly!!!
Which R&B singer is a pirate?
Arrrr Kelly!!!
Which R&B singer is a fictional humanoid creature that is part of a fantasy race akin to goblins?
Orc Kelly!!!
Which R&B singer is really scary?
Argh Kelly!!!
Which R&B singer is a Scottish comic strip published in the D.C. Thomson newspaper The Sunday Post?
Oor Kullie!!!
alright Rob, when you read this in 5 months.
(, Fri 8 Mar 2019, 22:01, 19 replies, latest was 6 years ago)
Right let's resurrect QOTW. Give me mod rights I will write a question each week regardless of what any Cunt thinks.
(
spanishfly is so fucking sexy people impersonate him, Fri 14 Apr 2017, 21:37,
4 replies,
latest was 8 years ago)
What's the best gif you can find?Post hundreds of gifs and let us pick the best one.
(
Two Hats 🎩🎩, Thu 10 Dec 2015, 13:29,
Reply)
ever done a shit and just left it rotting in the khazi bowl all day?(, Sun 18 Oct 2015, 18:36, 1 reply, 9 years ago)
Just couldn't give a shit. Have you had any experience with new hires that just couldn't be bothered to do the job they hired to do? Or maybe you are one of those people. Tell us about it.
(, Wed 12 Aug 2015, 18:22, Reply)
Unwanted attentionOn recent forays into the /offtopic portion of this website I have had to suffer the unwanted sexual leerings of noted sexpest and weepy sprinter "Richard Mcbeef". Have you ever had to deal with the online equivalent of a dog clamping onto your leg and rubbing up and down? How did you deal with it?
(
Ms Shenanigans put something interesting here later, Mon 10 Nov 2014, 10:06,
1 reply,
10 years ago)
Formative ExperiencesWhat made you the person you are today? Who/what do we have to blame for your [questionable/admirable] [morals/outlook/fashion sense/]etc?
(
Ms Shenanigans put something interesting here later, Wed 9 Jul 2014, 15:05,
1 reply,
11 years ago)
Lets have Answer Of The Week,Where you provide an answer, and we all have to come up with appropriate questions to fit it.
(, Thu 26 Jun 2014, 16:08, 1 reply, 11 years ago)
Corruption!Turning down tickets to premiership footy from a client cause it'd be a "conflict of interest"
Finding persons of negotiable affection in your hotel room when on business in China
Exchanging oral for a taxi ride
Giving the cops some of your massive drugs so they let you go
Ad lib to fade
(
Invisible Wizard - 10th Level Nerf-herder, Tue 24 Jun 2014, 20:36,
Reply)
Odd things you've done whilst bored.This was, ooooh, a good few years ago now. I was alone in the house and dreadfully bored. I also had a tin of 'Uncle Joe's mint balls' (think individually wrapped black bullets) and a roll of Sellotape. In my boredom, I took to taping the mint balls to my sweater. After a short time I was wearing a jumper that was fetchingly laden down with roughly fifteen sweeties taped to it. It was at this point that the doorbell rang.
Well, I didn't have time to de-sweet myself so I went to answer the door, my cheeks growing a little red with embarrassment. It was the postman. He looked at me, I looked at him, and I said to him " erm....fancy a sweet?" To his credit, he pulled one off my sweater and thanked me, then gave me my mail and left. As the door shut I laughed like a loon. What odd things have you done when bored?
(, Fri 13 Jun 2014, 21:09, 1 reply, 11 years ago)
The creepiest of the creepiest of the creepiestGive us the creepiest ever QOTW answers. The most repulsive, unpleasant and downright skin-crawling ones that made it worth coming back to see how upset the OP gets over being called out on it.
(
tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 7 Mar 2014, 14:36,
2 replies,
latest was 11 years ago)
I once pulled back my foreskin in the bath and some scummy stuff came away from my bellend and floated to the topWho would YOU vote for if a general election was held tomorrow, and why?
(
Two Hats 🎩🎩, Thu 20 Feb 2014, 11:53,
Reply)
sleep deprivationWhat's the longest time you've gone without sleep and why? Tell us your stories of no sleep.
(, Mon 16 Dec 2013, 13:14, Reply)
Realising that you're THAT personYesterday I was leaning in close to a computer screen to point something out, chatting away, and suddenly realised that I was crowding the person on the computer and making them cringe away from me.
Crumbs, I thought, I'm THAT person, who has no sense of personal space.
I'm still ashamed.
(, Thu 17 Oct 2013, 11:12, Reply)
Expose yourself for the bellend that you so obviously are.Not a question, but it's what seems to happen every week, so maybe we should just cut the pretence and ask everyone to reveal what it is about them that makes them such a cunt, and then there'll be no real need for us to judge each other?
(
monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Wed 9 Oct 2013, 13:05,
1 reply,
11 years ago)
AustraliansIn The Great Railway Bazaar Paul Theroux writes
"At my lowest point, when things were at their most desperate and uncomfortable, I always found myself in the company of Australians, who were like a reminder that I’d touched rock bottom."
Tell us your stories of encountering Antipodeans, whether they are pricks, wankers, or grudgingly ok.
(
Zuowan, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 2:09,
1 reply,
11 years ago)
I'M A CHUTNEY FERRETDo you like chutney? What kind of chutney is best? If someone else likes a different type of chutney to you, do you call them a stupid cunt?
(
Two Hats 🎩🎩, Fri 16 Aug 2013, 11:57,
2 replies,
latest was 12 years ago)
Surreal momentsAt 3am last Saturday I was fixing a bike chain while a complete stranger windmilled his cock six inches from my head, and my colleague (whose bike I was mending) was trying to convince someone over the phone that his name was not Mike.
(
Hdjejjwsjdjjf LOOK, Tue 16 Jul 2013, 11:43,
Reply)
Suicide.Ever killed yourself? Did it hurt? What would you have done differently?
Perhaps you failed in your attempt? Amuse us all with tales of how you are such a failure that you couldn't even manage to top yourself properly.
Are you teetering on the brink right now? Share your woes and let a bunch of strangers laugh at your misfortune and offer creative methods by which you could ease that pain.
(
tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 17 Jun 2013, 8:51,
1 reply,
12 years ago)
Good Times With WeaponsTell us your stories relating to arms, keeping, bearing, and usage of.
Did the rozzers nick you because of your pocket knife?
Did your parents get angry when you brought home a toy revolver?
Did Al Quaeda mortar the hell out of your FOB?
(Did you mortar the hell out of some infidel's FOB?)
(, Sat 25 May 2013, 6:47, Reply)
Mugs.I've got an Avengers mug, and two heat-sensitive Tetris/Pac-man mugs.
The Avengers one is mine, nobody else is allowed to use it, ever. The other two are given to guests based on how much I like them. Pac-man means I like you more than if you got Tetris. If you have neither, then stay about from my house.
What sperglordery do you indulge in, even though you're obviously perfectly normal and not a creepy internet weirdo?
(
BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Tue 30 Apr 2013, 13:15,
4 replies,
latest was 12 years ago)
'Sorry...'Write a letter of apology to someone who deserves it.
(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 8 Jan 2013, 15:18,
1 reply,
12 years ago)
have you even been threatened with real life violence by someone on the internet.perhaps you pointed out jahled's latest lolpic was shit and he threatened to beat you up with a baseball bat.
share your stories of terror!
(
mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Fri 16 Nov 2012, 11:57,
Reply)
Middle classMy boyfriend and I have recently started getting an organic veg box. When did you know you were middle class?
(, Mon 12 Nov 2012, 23:40, 3 replies, latest was 12 years ago)
Little Bastards in school.Some kids are, for want of a better word, just plain Evil. Whether it's dropping a brick on the class hamster or stealing the asthmatic kid's inhaler, they seem to show no remorse or fear of authority. What did the class Satan-child get up to when you were at school?
(
Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Sat 29 Sep 2012, 16:48,
Reply)
The 7 deadly sinsVisit upon us your tales of greed, anger, sloth, envy, cheesemongering , impotence and alopecia.
(
Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Wed 5 Sep 2012, 0:10,
2 replies,
latest was 13 years ago)
Things you've done to get laidShameful, creative or bizarre, what lengths have you gone to to slip / receive a length?
(, Tue 4 Sep 2012, 12:38, Reply)
Other peoples housesThings you found, observed, heard and noticed in other peoples houses.
(, Tue 21 Aug 2012, 2:41, 2 replies, latest was 13 years ago)
"Share a true and amusing story that happened to you in the last month."Why does it need a theme?
For example, yesterday we were watching them London sports equestrian events, and realised that the horses should get all the medals because they do the hard work. The jockeys are just like my management; they sit on the back of the workers and take credit for all the hard work when it's going well, but happy to blame us when something goes wrong.
Then we realised that Paralympic Equestrian events should have horses with three legs or less; otherwise they're cheating.
See, stories like that, but funny, would be good.
(, Thu 2 Aug 2012, 23:13, 2 replies, latest was 13 years ago)
What isthe best example of trolling you've ever seen or done? On t'internet or otherwise.
(, Thu 2 Aug 2012, 20:53, Reply)
Geocities, Snuffx and more recently b3ta.......what websites did you once really enjoy and then drift away from in the hope of finding something original or interesting? Which site from your misspent youth consumed the most hours and which would you like to see back again?
(, Thu 2 Aug 2012, 17:56, 1 reply, 13 years ago)
The Butterfly effectYears ago I was watching something on the telly and got a bit bored so i turned over an caught a snippet of a song that Id never heard before but really enjoyed. Years later I ended up doing some work with the singer of the band after they split up which turned out to be one of the best times of my life and all I could put it down to was turning the channel over at that precise moment all those years earlier.
Tell us about something that seemed insignificant years ago but actually had repercussions both good or bad months/years later.
(, Wed 1 Aug 2012, 13:27, Reply)
Fuck buddies. Ever had a friend who would let you have no strings attached relationship free sex with them? Did it turn out that there were more strings attached than you thought? Tell us your stories and laugh as certain QOTW regulars burn themselves out whilst trying to call absolutely everyone here a liar or paedophile.
(
Muns, Tue 24 Jul 2012, 10:24,
Reply)
ClassWhat class do you consider yourself and why? Ever found yourself in an awkward situation because of class?
(
Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 12 Jul 2012, 11:16,
Reply)
Revenge is sweetSome silly little youth drove past me like an idiot trying to impress his passengers but he took my wing mirror off. Its motorised and heated and costs £200 from the Audi dealers. The little arsehole shot off trying to hide but he was grassed up by a very nice person in a local shop who knew where he lived.
Paid a visit to demand him to stump up the cash or else, but the little cock end denied it was him. Couldnt physically beat it out of him despite my murderous desire to do so, however i went back later on and used a syringe to inject his car doorlocks with a rather fearsome epoxy mixture from a cable jointing kit i had laying about.
I estimate about £500 plus fitting for a new set of keys and barrels.
Anyone else want to share a tale of rough justice regarding a wrongdoer or a yarn of out and out revenge against an unfaithful partner?
(, Sun 1 Jul 2012, 15:48, Reply)
DeadlinesDouglas Adams said: "I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by." Tell us of times you've heroically worked to a deadline, or the time you fucked up spectacularly.
(
Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Tue 26 Jun 2012, 22:45,
1 reply,
13 years ago)
InsultsWhat's the best insult you've ever used or had used on you, you pigfucking friendless retarded bellends?
(, Wed 14 Mar 2012, 13:45, Reply)
When the friendship is over...A couple of years ago I received a message via F*cebook from a 'friend' calmly explaining that she was sorry, but she HAD to 'de-friend' me because I was appearing at the top of her 'Bejewelled Blitz' leader board most weeks and she wanted to be at the top herself.
What crazy things have you guys done that you've lost friends over?
(
The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:24,
2 replies,
latest was 13 years ago)
Oscar Winning PerformancesA load of overpaid 'stars' are about to cover themselves in glory if they win an Oscar this month.
But what about your own, genuine, Oscar Winning Performances? When have you acted your heart out to avoid an outcome you didn't want? Have you talked your way out of a fight, talked your way into someone's bed or dodged a prison sentence in court? What moment in your life would you award yourself an Oscar for?
Let's celebrate our own, far superior acting skills and then maybe it will be bearable to see Clooney win best actor for that pile of shite - The Descendants.
(
Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Tue 7 Feb 2012, 12:24,
2 replies,
latest was 13 years ago)
Getting people wrong.When Alan Partridge came out, I thought (genuinely - yes, I know - I'm remarkably thick) he was just another sub-Wogan talkshow host.
Thus to my surprise, on starting university, I was surprised by a girl trying to entice me to share my smoke with her by saying "You should come over to my room - I've got the Alan Partridge Christmas Special!", and reprimanded her fully.
Imagine what a fool I felt when I found out that, once again, a delicious slice of irony cake had completely failed to register with my immature brain.
Who have YOU got completely wrong, and why?
(
Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 9:55,
2 replies,
latest was 13 years ago)
Lucky escapesTell us about the time you stopped to tie your shoelaces and an air conditioning unit fell from a building and splattered on the pavement in front of you.
Or when you split up with someone, who then went on to be exposed as a serial killer.
(, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 1:21, Reply)
HeroesThere are some people in this world who change the lives of those around them. Who are your heroes and why?
(
monkeyboyalpha jumping on the bandwagon since, Thu 3 Nov 2011, 14:31,
Reply)
TactlessnessMy ex once told me, "That was the best sex I've ever had... Well, apart from with my cousin..."
Come on, this HAS to be a goldmine of funny/cringeworthy stories.
(, Tue 25 Oct 2011, 11:57, 3 replies, latest was 13 years ago)
The right place at the right timeOne morning, when I was 11 years old, I was walking to school and found a five-pound note on the pavement. I looked to see if there was anyone else around. Glancing up, I saw, for the first time in my life, a real live naked woman standing at a window. Tell us about the times you thought the gods were smiling upon you.
(
ThisCaledonianClown has left it far too late, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 11:20,
Reply)
Elementary, my dear b3ta.Mystery! It surrounds us on every side!
Tell us about your feats of deduction and the little mysteries you've solved.
Alternatively, tell us about the simple, everyday things that mystified you for far too long.
(, Fri 7 Oct 2011, 9:46, 1 reply, 13 years ago)
What about a rant?How would you fix Britain / the US / Oz etc?
I'd force sterilisation on anyone that went to the supermarket in their pyjamas for one.
I'd put the obesity clinic on the ninth floor and put the lifts out of order - while making attendance at obesity clinic a condition of receiving benefit.
I'd also stop Child Benefit for anyone on higher rate tax.
And I'd return pub closing time to 11.00 and not allow alcohol to be served in clubs after that time.
I'd also introduce 'slow lanes' on pavements.
(, Tue 9 Aug 2011, 10:44, 5 replies, latest was 14 years ago)
Just in caseThe flip side of my suggestion below (almost).
I noticed in our bathroom cabinet this morning, an almost empty pot of hair wax stuff. I know for a fact that I've not used it since we moved here two years ago, and probably not for a couple of years before that, but I've not binned it. Lack of hair, and what's left being shorn to a 'number two' would seem to render it superfluous to requirement.
But... you never know, the comb-over may make a comeback, in which case it will come in handy again.
Mrs G regularly carries a spare bra in her bag, just in case....WHAT???
What do you keep handy just in case?
(, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 8:52, Reply)
B3ta poem week.Sick, funny, filthy.
Are you a budding bard, a blinding Byron?
Tell us your poems humorous or otherwise.
(
The Mock Turtle ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Thu 14 Jul 2011, 12:52,
1 reply,
14 years ago)
PunishmentMy old history teacher had mellowed in his years, several years before I begun my eduction at the school, he would often dangle unruly pupils out of a second floor window by their legs to remind them who was in charge.
Surely someone has better than this.
(
Muns, Thu 7 Jul 2011, 13:00,
Reply)
Passwords.Tell us the usernames and passwords that you use on various sites: like facebook, your bank, etc and why you chose that particular password.
(
4Q just lurking, Wed 22 Jun 2011, 20:09,
2 replies,
latest was 14 years ago)
Barrel ScrapingHave you ever run a suggestions board for a popular humour-based website's weekly question? Have you ever been in a situation where, due to a change in editorial policy, you turn to the unwashed masses to pick the subject? Were you duly faced with ever decreasing returns in the quality of topics picked? Have you ever eaten something tasty? What about something that's just a bit eurgh? Do you have family members? Have you by any chance done a fart in public, or maybe said an inappropriate thing at precisely the worst time?
Tell us about your barrel scraping exploits, or failing that, tell us about the time you did that thing. You know, the thing that is tenuously punnable. You know you want to.
(, Thu 2 Jun 2011, 22:51, Reply)
Dead loved ones.Many of us have them, some more than others, so let's pour out the grief and see if we can get the fuck over them.
(
stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Tue 17 May 2011, 12:56,
19 replies,
latest was 14 years ago)
Where you grew up.Let us know how ridiculously privileged you were or how shamefully impoverished your area was. The characters and the cunts of your early life and why where you lived was the best/worst place to grow up.
(
dazbrilliantwhites has been meaning to change this..., Mon 16 May 2011, 9:07,
1 reply,
14 years ago)
PoliceHave you ever been arrested? Been thrown down the stairs by the West Midlands Serious Crime Squad, with hi-LAR-ious consequences?
Or maybe you're a member of the police force with chortlesome anecdotes about particularly stupid people you've encountered/ had to take home/ arrested.
Do tell...
(
Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Wed 4 May 2011, 14:00,
Reply)
As recently suggested by dazbrilliantwhites but inexplicably ignored by the voting masses : Best matesThere must be a rich seam of tales involving your trustiest of friends, alcohol, tent pegs, a stuffed otter and a road trip to Llandudno.
(
number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Wed 20 Apr 2011, 19:43,
Reply)
Our best friendsYes, a week were the people who sheepishly dumped your alcohol ridden body at your front door in front of your parents can shine. The people who've held your hair back, taken a bullet for you or fired one at you.
(
dazbrilliantwhites has been meaning to change this..., Mon 11 Apr 2011, 13:41,
2 replies,
latest was 14 years ago)
Terrible excusesAn HR guy was sacked from my place of work for having porn on his company computer. His excuse: I was just checking which sites the company firewall blocks. What terrible excuses have you come across, or given?
(, Wed 23 Mar 2011, 10:09, 1 reply, 14 years ago)
Pride. Tell us about a proud moment of your otherwise sad life. The day you learnt to ride a bike. The day your rugrat learnt to ride a bike. The day you did something nice and selfless for someone. The day you saved the world. Or maybe just the day you did the largest dump of your life, and showed it to others.
(, Sun 20 Mar 2011, 14:14, Reply)
Neverending Story (well a week anyway)Get creative. The mod starts with a few lines, then we all keep adding odd paragraphs and so on until we have a huge meandering tale. It clearly won't be linear for very long and would fork out into many subplots. It should all be contained in just the one thread though
(
sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 10:59,
1 reply,
14 years ago)
This sporting lifeWhether you just enjoy a kick around with mates in the park of a weekend, play in a league of some sort, or haven't participated in sports since forced to in school, what are some of your more memorable/hilarious/painful sporting moments?
(, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 1:37, 1 reply, 14 years ago)
Vomit storiesI worked for a woman once who went out on a business lunch. Unfortunately she got very, very drunk and so took at taxi back to the office with her colleague. She felt a really sick on the journey and wasn't sure what to do.
So she pulled the neck of her shirt out...
Threw up inside her shirt...
Carried on as normal...
She was so drunk she thought that her colleague hadn't noticed.
Tell is your fav throw up story.
(
camp freddy well, would you look at that!, Thu 17 Feb 2011, 14:35,
Reply)
What is the most disgusting gross thing you ever did?I was sitting on the bog, pondering my current project at work, deep in thought I absently minded wiped my nose with a tissue. Not normally a problem except that I had only a few moments ago used this tissue at the other end...
"Wow this tissue really stinks" I thought... "OH GOD GAAAH NOOO!" I thought almost immediately after.
Shitty nose.
What bowel-wrenching retch-worthy disgusting gross things have you done or had done unto you?
S
(
simbosan is too tired, Wed 16 Feb 2011, 7:41,
6 replies,
latest was 14 years ago)
RUN AWAY!Drunken yobs, wild animals, unpaid restaurant bills? When have you had to run away.
(
Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Sun 6 Feb 2011, 14:29,
Reply)
What's the weirdest shit you've ever seen?Supernatural experiences, wandering in on your parents having sex, a midget holding a hotdog shouting obscenities at a sparrow ...
(, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 23:41, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)
Christmas panic!Somehow every year despite best effort planning Christmas preparation becomes a rushed panic. Shopping on Christmas eve when the shelves are bare and stroppy rants at the loved ones. How do you cope with Christmas and what's gone wrong for you?
(, Wed 15 Dec 2010, 9:41, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)
Dating disastersWhen your blind date turns up late, drunk and reeking of vomit, you're probably in for a rough evening. Tell us about your dating disasters so we can sympathise and/or laugh.
(, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 15:36, 5 replies, latest was 14 years ago)
Unwanted nicknamesWe've all had them...but why? Tell us the grim truth behind you being known as 'Brown Keith' or 'The Tampon'.
(
number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Wed 3 Nov 2010, 8:22,
3 replies,
latest was 14 years ago)
Best friendsMost of us have had them, regale us with your stories about them...this one was inspired by going to see a very good friend in London and him accidently glassing me!
(, Tue 2 Nov 2010, 17:53, Reply)
When I become *** Ruler Of The World ***... I will immediately pass the following laws:
* People will only be able to purchase "proper" branded Sellotape, i.e. not that awful stuff you can never find the end of or tear off
* Doors that say "Push" will have any handles removed to stop my confusion
What laws would you pass please?
(, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 8:05, Reply)
Waste of moneyTimes are tough and we need to watch the pennies. Over the years we've all made bad retail choices, be it the Silverline tool that broke on it's first use or the VW passat with an automatic gearbox that didn't even manage 20mpg.
Tell us your retail disasters and help us save our money!
(, Wed 29 Sep 2010, 15:16, Reply)
Who is the most annoying person you have ever met?Terrible enforced nicknames, general hanger-arounders, lighter abusers, misogynists, racists, really stupid and attention seekers. Not limited to these properties; who is the most annoying person you have ever met?
(, Sun 5 Sep 2010, 19:00, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)
Thing's you're banned from doing.Among other things, I am banned by friends and my girlfriend, from doing constant Chewbacca impressions, and the sassy black girl finger clicking thing.
(, Thu 12 Aug 2010, 18:56, Reply)
Caught (nearly) by the fuzz?Have you ever had a close run-in with the law?
When I was about 19, me and my best mate thought it would be a cracking idea to drop some acid and hit the SEGA arcade at the Trocadero in Picadilly Circus, with the sole intention of playing 8 player Daytona Racing whilst rushing our tits off. That all went swimmingly well, however...
In search of a little respite from the noise and mayhem we decided to wander down the road to Green Park to take the edge off. As we ambled accross the grass looking for an especially nice place to sit down, something on the ground caught my eye. I sank to my knees to get a closer look. "Shit, come and check this out man". A simple but immaculate hallmarked silver pocket watch now rested in my hands. My mate joined me. On his knees. In a patch of daisies in the middle of Green Park. We were just marvelling at the crafsmanship when a voice called out from nearby "Lost gold's gotta be shared boys!". Startled, we both turned to where the voice was coming from.
A big fucking police Transit van. With a big fucking policeman in it. In the middle of Green Park.
Instinctively (for, despite the occasional dabble in recreational drugs, I was quite a good boy) I rose to my feet and headed straight for the van, arms outstretched, pupils dilated, heart racing, pocket watch in my sweaty palms. My mate followed.
A lot of things went through my mind on that long walk to the van, not least what my parents might say when they got a call from the London Borough of Westminster Police Force.
As it turns out, big fucking policeman was a jolly fellow and was content with taking my details, and the pocket watch, while I tripped out looking at his colossal forearm hanging out the window, hairs blowing gently in the late summer evening breeze like a field of golden wheat. In the meantime my mate was pacing the length of the transit van, praising big fucking policeman for how big and shiny it was.
A couple of weeks later I got a lovely letter in broken English from a nice Japanese man, thanking me at length for having the decency to hand his pocket watch over to the authorities. If only he knew...
(, Fri 6 Aug 2010, 17:05, Reply)
Toilets...Today I had the very strange experience of walking into the toilet in my local library, and being confronted with the sight of two small balloon animals that had been left on the sink counter.
This may be opening an outrageously horrifying can of worms, but what's the strangest thing you've ever found or experienced in a toilet/bathroom? What about amusing graffiti? Shit, I think I've got at least a dozen stories I could tell if this is ever the Q.O.T.W. Nothing horrifying, though.
And apologies if this has been asked before, but I'm a complete B3ta noob.
(, Fri 6 Aug 2010, 0:11, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)
MisconceptionsMy girlfriend used to think 'Beastiality' just meant you liked animals better than people - she was half-right, I suppose, but the look of horror on her face when I explained the full meaning was a sight to behold.
What misconceptions have you or those around you suffered from?
(, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 12:28, Reply)
Emergency ServicesIn the past I've been arrested in a Thai restaurant, been carted off in an ambulance and had the fire brigade turn up to sort out an electrical fire. All of these have caused me considerable embarrassment.
I am now waiting to have to use mountain rescue and the lifeboat service to collect the full set.
Tell us about your experiences with the emergency services.
(, Thu 29 Jul 2010, 9:13, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)
going feralwe've all seen festivals bringing out the worst in people, in terms of filth,littering, projectile littering, pyromania etc. i thought i'd hit rock bottom when one festival, i awoke in a tent, hung over, miles from the nearest portaloo of doom with a turtle's head nudging at my balloon knot, and was forced to crab-squat over a carrier bag and unleash hell. i thought this was low, until the following year, spurred on by my scatological manoeuvres, my mate shat in a bag in his tent and then rather than walk to a bin or portaloo and dispose of the evidence, he casually tossed it into a neighbouring tent. what moments in your life have made you look at yourself in disgust?
(, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 12:20, Reply)
Untimely one-linersMe and the missus attended a pram club and when the missus sat on a chair and it broke, causing her to fall to the floor I said quietly to a few of her friends "Well if there's one thing I've discovered today, is how quick can I hide a hacksaw?"
When has your silver tongue got you in deep water?
(
Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Sun 18 Jul 2010, 13:23,
Reply)
Trust ExercisesMy Dad is awesome but can sometimes be a right shit. He used to tell fibs like the time he said that nettles didnt sting when in flower and proved it (by brushing his hand WITH the spines) right in front of my eyes. Only for me to jump at the chance to get back at the big green bastards but being unpleasantly surprised.
When has someone you once trusted abused that trust for their own amusement?
(
Barry the Time Sprout one of your 5-a-day, Wed 7 Jul 2010, 15:13,
3 replies,
latest was 15 years ago)
FavoursIt's just dawned on me that I have gone out of my way for a lot of people over the years, most recently lending my car to someone who consequently pranged it, leaving me with a major bill.
In what way have you either been taken advantage of by others, or taken advantage?
Bonus points for hilarious consequences.
(
disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Mon 5 Jul 2010, 14:46,
Reply)
SmellsWhile working in the USA I drove past a dead skunk on the way to work. It stunk like the devil's arse. By the time I came home someone had had the bright idea of setting it on fire. Now it smelt like burnt devil's arse. What's the worst smell which has ever assaulted your nostrils?
(, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 10:29, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)
Entertain meEven though I've contributed absolutely zilch to QOTW I do like reading the ramblings of others but as it mainly consists of half truths, exaggerations and blatant lies why not cut to the chase and just ask for people's short stories - 200 words or less in any of the following genres :
*Horror
*Porn
*Horror Porn
*Kitten Related
*Other
I promise not to spend the week fwapping away
(Unless they are all Kitten related)
(, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 10:55, Reply)
Lost in translation...What funny misunderstandings have you had with people from forrinland?
2 examples:
First, when I was visiting my girlfriend's family in Romania, I was drinking with her dad and we were going through the different languages we can say "cheers" in. Santé, Norok, Prost, and so on. Eventually I said "oh, skol!" and had basically just told him I had a hard on (incidentally an interestingly awkward situation to be in, since I had no idea why he had just exploded with laughter).
Oh, and the German 'Prost' also means stupid.
Second, when my Austrian mother moved to London, she was helping someone out cooking for a party. She asked: "Do you want me to rape the cheese?", pointing and smiling at a block of the stuff in her arnie-like accent.
Of course, she'd used her schooltime french, where 'rapper' means to grate.
I'm sure other people have had similar incidents, tell me more!
(
morrybyte made a subtle namechange at, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 12:25,
3 replies,
latest was 15 years ago)
Musical Instruments...Tell us about all the adventures you've had with musical instruments and lessons over the years. Bonus points for not mentioning guitar hero.
(, Fri 28 May 2010, 15:05, Reply)
Injuries caused by unlikely objectsWe've all heard the stats of people being killed getting out of bed and have wondered how the hell that happened. Well tonight I injured my foot with a bra. "Impossible" I hear you cry. My bra was on the floor and I managed to stand on it in such a way that the little plastic bit that regulates how long the straps are dug into my heel in such a way that caused immense pain and the formation of a pea sized blood blister under the rather thick skin of the bottom of my heel. I now have to walk on my tippy toes because it hurts so much to stand on it and am thinking about going to the minor injuries unit tomorrow to have it drained. I'm sure there are many of you out there who have also been injured in improbable ways by everyday objects.
(, Wed 19 May 2010, 1:29, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)
Inappropriate (but true)A chap I used to work with, who was a one-man simmering couldron of rage, was silenced in our office by the new girl (on her first day, no less) who told him he was "clearly the person who was in most desperate need of a good blow job..."
She was right, but it did nothing to improve his mood.
So when have you lost that brain-mouth filter and let fly with what you knew everyone else was thinking, but frankly, never should have been articulated.
(, Thu 13 May 2010, 13:17, 1 reply, 15 years ago)
BargumentsThe utterly absurd and inane debates you have when out on the lash. Such discussions as:
"Which superpower is better, flying or invisibility?"
"How many angry 5 year old kids could you defend yourself against if they all attacked en masse?"
"What would make a better paralympic sport? Blind turntable archery or flid-boxing?"
The beauty of this QOTW is that it should encourage people to reply. In theory anyway.
(
sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 0:13,
2 replies,
latest was 15 years ago)
Fuck The Police...As the Blair Peach report reminds us, The Filth like nothing better than creating a huge criminal conspiracy to cover up the murder of a citizen.
What contact have you had with the boys in blue?
(
Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Tue 27 Apr 2010, 20:59,
Reply)
Being put in your placetell us stories of how you were put in your place, or how you put someone else in their place.
For example:
When dating a single mother a few years back, we took her littl'un to a petting farm. On this farm was a shire horse, which I petted and to reassure the littl'un, said:
"he's lovely and friendly"
To which my missus replied:
"It's a girl, it's got a kid", pointing out the foal nearby
"He might have adopted" I retort
She checks under the hood, "nope definitely a girl"
"Maybe he tucks"
This went on for a while, then I thought I had it sussed, and proudly announced:
"There's an easy way to settle this - will everyone who is a girl please raise their hand"
The horse raised its hoof onto the fence, and I never heard the bloody end of it.
(
Damocles wants no part of your debauchery, Mon 26 Apr 2010, 18:35,
Reply)
You're weird and you know it.Tell us why.
Answers containing the word "zany" will be awarded -10 points in a QI style.
(
Blind Meach Cautiously optimistic, Thu 15 Apr 2010, 11:46,
3 replies,
latest was 15 years ago)
ThoughtsI have been told I 'speak my mind'. In fact, one went as far as to say I hadn't developed an internal censor. I haven't the foggiest what they were on about?
What are those things you have thought but never said?
(, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 22:27, 1 reply, 15 years ago)
Things you've stolen whilst drunkMy home is dotted with things I've 'liberated' whilst tipsy. I have a lovely Marlboro ashtray from Germany, a handy traffic cone/men at work combination (stolen by my ex-housemate) and more branded glasses than I know what to do with (most of these are from the pub where I work, so this is ok).
However, last night, me and Mr Anodyne tried to steal a cat.
It wasn't having any of it, so we let it go. In our defence, it was cute and we have a mouse in the woodpile.
What's the oddest thing you've stolen whilst drunk?
(, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 19:20, Reply)
Best job everI assisted in the disassembling cleaning, moving and restoration of printing presses of all vintages for printmakers, print workshops and college/uni print departments. A peculiar combination of brute force, heavy lifting, white spirit, oil and grease with delicate manoeuvring and painstaking precision adjustments. I got to travel, meet some very interesting people and learnt how to keep obsolete machinery in use, as well as keeping the wolf from the door. It was the happiest I have ever been working for a living. What was your best job?
(
uncle bastard is twanging a dan moi, Sun 4 Apr 2010, 13:50,
2 replies,
latest was 15 years ago)
April Fools.I demand that you all entertain me with with tales of practical jokes.
NOW.
(
Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Thu 1 Apr 2010, 12:45,
Reply)
Third time lucky?Volunteering:
"Yeah, no probs. I'll give you hand." Ever regretted saying that?
Ever volunteered to spend time with dying kids in a hospice?
Were you forced to sing for the old folks at Christmas?
Did you spend six months in a primary school in Nigeria?
Tell us all about it.
(, Mon 29 Mar 2010, 13:28, 1 reply, 15 years ago)
Smash!This weekend, my mate invested a lot of money in a nearly new Volvo 850. He went 40 miles to fetch it and, before getting home, he had spanked it into the back of someone on a roundabout and appears to have written it off.
Tell us about your entertaining accidents.
(
disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Mon 29 Mar 2010, 8:11,
Reply)
Friends...A good friend will tell you when it's time to stop drinking... an even better friend will wake you up in the police cells the next morning to say "Fuck! What a night!"
What's the best thing a friend has ever done for you, or you've done for a friend.
(
difficultchild, Mon 29 Mar 2010, 1:20,
Reply)
The Walk of ShameWe've all done it. Specifically one New Years days having to walk 2 miles home through the mean streets of East Hull wearing nothing but a binliner and barefoot.
(
Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Tue 23 Mar 2010, 8:15,
3 replies,
latest was 15 years ago)
When I was about 10my friend asked what makes things fall down. I told him that the Earth pulls things towards it because it was so large, which is pretty much how my big brother (who was doing O Level physics at the time) explained it to me.
My friend's dad said that was rubbish and said that it's the air pushing down on us that holds us on the surface and that if there was no air, we'd all float off into space.
What amazing displays of ignorance have you encountered?
(
sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 17 Mar 2010, 15:45,
4 replies,
latest was 15 years ago)
Following SmashMonkeys post ..http://b3ta.com/board/9961870have you ever intentionally or unitentionally been really cruel to your kids/someone elses kids
(
claptonista ,the idiot boy.........., Mon 15 Mar 2010, 19:37,
Reply)
PrisonHow many of you have been guests of the government? Tell us the sordid tale of your time doing bird.
(
social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Sat 13 Mar 2010, 11:52,
Reply)
2030What state will the world be in, in 20 years time? Will there be world peace? Will reality television be a vague and distant memory? (hopefully) Will there be flying cars? (I want a flying car, dammit!). What will you be doing? Still posting on B3TA? Bouncing the grandkids on your bionic knee? How would you like the world to be in 2030?
(, Thu 18 Feb 2010, 0:09, Reply)
MumsThey never stop being your mum.
Tell us about the times you mum has still treated you like her little soldier/princess even though you are over 30.
For example, visiting my mum a while ago I left some of my vegetables, she wouldn't let me have pudding until I had eaten them, even though I protested that at 32 I could do what I wanted.
I ate my vegetables.
(
Mrs Entity is in hiding., Sat 6 Feb 2010, 10:15,
Reply)
Out of characterMy ex was a charming and innocent young lady, the very model of a nice girl. She impressed parents and friends with her politeness, was as much a friend as a girlfriend, and was by no means obsessed with sex. Having spent the night over at her house, I woke up and expressed my hunger, and wondered aloud what to have for breakfast. She then took off her pyjama trousers (she wore pyjamas even when I was there), pushed my head down, and said "There's your breakfast, start eating". I was surprised; not unhappy, but certainly I didn't expect it.
What have you known people to do that was completely out of character?
(, Tue 24 Nov 2009, 15:06, 1 reply, 15 years ago)
Make Do and MendAs a deprived estate kid, I only had two Transformers (Grimlock and one of the Insecticons), so to stage major battles, I used to cut out faces and Autobot/Decepticon symbols from Transformers comic, and stick them on the underside of Matchbox cars. turn them on their back end, open the doors for arms, hey presto, Robot!
When needs must, what have you done to save money, or just be a general skinflint?
(
Joe Scaramanga with a G-double-O-D vibration, Thu 19 Nov 2009, 9:35,
Reply)
Learning to FryI'd like to think I can cook quite well these days, but it was a different story when I first left home and moved away to uni, and much of my cooking 'technique' was based on daft ideas which seemed logical at the time. I've not been allowed to forget the time I tried to make a cheese sauce to go with some pasta and got it horribly, horribly wrong - it turned out as a sort of broth, which could only be described as "yellow, with lumps."
It wouldn't have been so bad if it had only been me eating the damn thing.
So, in the hope that this will generate some hilarious and disgusting stories, rather than boring foody threads: how many of your culinary experiments have gone completely tits up, to great embarrassment (or greater indigestion)? Alternatively, how many times have you been forced to alter or experiment with recipes ("Onions? I'm out of onions! I'll have to use...jam!") and invented something which was actually really nice?
(, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 10:29, 1 reply, 15 years ago)
What are the Little ThingsThat make your life worth living? Radiator Pants anyone?
(, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 12:45, 1 reply, 15 years ago)
It Made My DaySometimes its the small things in life: Finding a tenner in a pocket of an old pair of trousers, getting a “thank you” from a stranger when you hold a door open for them, discovering your ex’s new boyfriend has turned gay and left her, seeing a couple of squirrels fucking - the possibilities are endless.
Tell us how something has made your day...
(
SpankyHanky, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 10:23,
2 replies,
latest was 15 years ago)
Tales from the Interview...Either side of the table, the strangest places you've gone for a job, or the strangest people you've interviewed.
(, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 8:50, Reply)
Dumping & DumpedEver been dumped by text message? Ever told someone you were gay to get out of seeing them? Ever slept with someone's best mate who looks like Jeff Capes so that your girlfriend would find out and dump you because you were too much of a pussy to do the honorable thing and dump her to her face?
Its always funny hearing about other peoples relationship misfortunes - extra points for satan-worshippers, bunny-boilers and court injunctions.
(
SpankyHanky, Thu 3 Sep 2009, 10:55,
1 reply,
16 years ago)
Weddings.I'm getting married in 360 days (not that I'm counting), and already I've fallen out with my entire family regarding their thoughts on how I should conduct my wedding.
Tell us about your wedding-related disasters.
(Yes, it's been done, but not for quite a while).
(, Tue 1 Sep 2009, 10:47, 8 replies, latest was 16 years ago)
Technology failMy mum's understanding of technology is... incomplete to say the least. She can use her computer to access email, look up websites and even print (as I discovered): This morning I received a letter from her in the mail. Containing only the printed copy of an interesting email she received and wanted me to read.
She apparently doesn't know about forwarding emails.
What disregard for the 21st century and its accompanying tech have those around you shown?
(
Tiffany Aching 's bowl of oatmeal tried to stare her down and won, Tue 18 Aug 2009, 6:46,
Reply)
I wasn't expecting that...I was dating a girl once, things were going well.
Then, one night, mid 'act' she smacked me in the face then punched me in the gut, all in the name of fun. Something I certainly wasn't anticipating.
Be it in a sexy way or otherwise, what's happened to you which was completely out of context for the moment?
(
The Pollitt chooses to listen to Enya on, Fri 14 Aug 2009, 9:54,
Reply)
Creepy CrawliesStories involving small reptiles, snakes, insects, rodents, bats, lizards, etc. Bonus clicks for any (credible) hamster-in-the-ass tales.
(, Wed 12 Aug 2009, 22:15, 1 reply, 16 years ago)
Helicopter ParentsRecently I had to fire someone at work for being a completely incompetent desk jockey (this individual could even screw up answering the phone) but, to my surprise, his mum called me the following day to remonstrate with with me about the firing and lamented the fact that I had not considered how "Dale" had been feeling a bit poorly lately and I should have appreciated the effort he made just getting to the office with a runny bottom (Dale was 26).
Got me thinking, has anyone else dealt with these parents who hover around their offspring and never let go? from kindy, through school and uni, with their love interests and even employment, mum or dad is their to save the day and fight the battles.
(, Thu 6 Aug 2009, 3:30, Reply)
Annoyingly trendyThere's a man who lives near me who thinks he's Pete Doherty. Everytime I see him I want to punch him in the gob. Tell us about the victims of trendiness where you come from.
(, Tue 4 Aug 2009, 17:08, 1 reply, 16 years ago)
Superstitions/ OCDMy Girlfriend has to cross her fingers if she walks over or under a bridge.
What crazy random superstitions or borderline OCD do you follow?
(, Fri 24 Jul 2009, 14:47, Reply)
Cutting CornersTell us about your half-arsed attempts to cut corners and save time - (extra points for killing or maiming some poor unfortunate in the process).
(
SpankyHanky, Thu 23 Jul 2009, 13:28,
1 reply,
16 years ago)
My Mum and her glory holeMy mum had started to call the big walk in cupboard in her kitchen “the glory hole”. This led to her “popping it in the glory hole”. After I spat my tea across the kitchen counter I had to explain what a glory hole was. She isn’t talking to me any more.
Just one example of innocent Old folk using perfectly acceptable phrases which have been polluted by the modern day filth of the young.
I’m sure you’ve got lots more.
Ps. My Grandpa really did have actual Jazz mags under his bed.
(, Wed 22 Jul 2009, 14:07, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)
Beer trophiesEver woken up with that re-assuring fuzzy headed feeling that lets you know, even though you cant fully remember, that last night was a good un'?
Ever had this fact reinforced by waking up next to half a scaffold? A collection of childrens bikes? A fully grown Whale from Leeds?
If so, dear reader, please tell in all the detail you can muster up
(, Wed 15 Jul 2009, 12:03, Reply)
Midgets.Midgets are great. What encounters have you had with the vertically challenged?
(
Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Sun 5 Jul 2009, 23:42,
1 reply,
16 years ago)
Courtroom, more like a circusI've just finished a two week stint on jury service, despite my reservations it's been a real laugh, some dodgy case of domestic abuse that was like a 6 hour jeremy kyle without the adverts and the bloke behind me sleeping through most of the case.
I'm sure that whether on the jury, as a witness or in the dock there are some good courtroom tales
(, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 11:52, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)
Walked in on.Surprisingly, mine is quite clean. This time at my friend's house, we were watching TV, and he left the room to go to the toilet. On TV, there was a scene where a man was punching himself in the temples, and screaming really loudly. I was thinking, "Hang on. It can't hurt THAT much, surely?" so I tried it. Just lightly hit myself in the temple. I looked over to the door, and it turns out one of my mate's mam's friends was looking in the window the whole time. She must have thought I was completely insane.
Have you ever made a fool of yourself in front of others, or been walked in on at an inappropriate moment?
(, Thu 25 Jun 2009, 13:19, 1 reply, 16 years ago)
ToysTell us your Toy Story. We want tales of kids' playthings, gadget anecdotes or maybe you just have a large assortment of dildos.
(
chart cat has an itch, Fri 29 May 2009, 8:53,
1 reply,
16 years ago)
LostWhen I was a kid I got lost in Tescos. Being a sensible five year old I immediately started crying, and asked any woman who looked a little bit like my mother if they'd: "Like to be my mummy..." And then pissed myself.
Tell us about your experiences of being lost.
(
SpankyHanky, Wed 20 May 2009, 23:05,
1 reply,
16 years ago)
Caught Red HandedOn a trip to the girlfriends parents house in Wales recently I was caught red handed by her mum as I fixed a late night snack. She didn't mind me knicking her food, but she did mind the fact I was standing in her kitchen in the dark stark bollock naked when she turned the light on. Nearly gave the old dear a fucking heart attack.
Tell us about the trials and tribulations of being caught red handed.
(
SpankyHanky, Wed 20 May 2009, 22:56,
Reply)
Grudgeswhat's the longest grudge you've held, against whom (or what) and what's the nature of the grudge?
(, Tue 12 May 2009, 10:16, 1 reply, 16 years ago)
Chat up linesThe best one I overheard was between a rugby player and one of the student union barstaff:
Him (extending his arm and pointing to his sleeve): 'Feel that!'
Her: 'Er...'
Him: 'Feel that!'
Her (touches his sleeve): 'Now what?'
Him: 'Does that feel like boyfriend material to you?'
Her: '...'
(
Hdjejjwsjdjjf LOOK, Thu 7 May 2009, 15:29,
2 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
Your proudest achievementsI just mentioned in another thread some software I wrote for the Port of London Authority which they used and still do as far as I know, to monitor the tides in the Thames Estuary in order to decide when the Thames Barrier should be raised and to control shipping. Wasn't difficult, they already had the gauges in place and some software that captured the signals as strings ("gauge number,time,height" from what I remember). All I wrote is a nice chart thing for them to view the data in real time and to smooth and archive the readings. But, if I'd fucked up, all Londoners might now be drownded, so it makes me kind of proud (that I didn't).
I also made the radiation leak software at a nuclear power plant Y2K compliant in case you are worried, I know what I'm doing...
Assuming that you haven't drowned and/or died from radiation poisoning, what makes you proud?
(
stopmeandslapme Cometh the hour, cometh your mum, Sun 26 Apr 2009, 21:37,
1 reply,
16 years ago)
*THE* Showdown!You know you want it... ...Filth! And you know who can bring it!
FrankSpencer, CHCB, SpankyHanky, ApeLoverage...
It's time for the ultimate showdown. These titanic...erm...titans and anyone brave enough to step into the muvver'uckin ring will now perform their most repulsive, filthy, degrading, vile anecdotes for your edification, education and delight.
There can be ONLY ONE!
(c'mon... do it!)
(, Tue 21 Apr 2009, 16:46, Reply)
Ridiculous argumentsWhen I was at University, an American girl once told me we shouldn't have a Hawaiian theme for a party because it was racist:
'How would you like it if loads of Hawaiians dressed up as English people and had a party, huh?'
'I wouldn't give a fuck.'
'Oh...'
Tell us about stupid stuff people have tried to convince you of.
(, Wed 15 Apr 2009, 13:30, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)
PoliceAny stories of interactions with those keepers of the peace. Did you lie your way out? Made a dash for freedom? Get pummeled for your efforts?
What encounters are memorable for you?
(, Fri 10 Apr 2009, 22:24, Reply)
I predict a riot!I'm currently sat in my office overlooking Trafalgar Square while the leaders of the twenty
What acts of protest have you ever partaken in?
(, Wed 1 Apr 2009, 11:18, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)
ScienceMakes the world go round, makes you more attractive to the opposite sex, kills people, saves people, makes the world smaller, answers questions that have plauged humankind for millenia -
Fuck that, all I learned in science class was how to make a water-powered rocket from a washing up liquid bottle.
Science.
Tell us your science-related anecdotes (and the first person to mention practical biology lessons will be shot).
(
SpankyHanky, Tue 31 Mar 2009, 16:41,
1 reply,
16 years ago)
SportI used to run cross country for my school. My games teacher was livid when he discovered that a few other kids and I would sprint ahead and have a cheeky fag in the woods before setting off again.
Playing, watching, creating - tell us about your sporting achievements, dreams, nightmares and disasters.
(
SpankyHanky, Mon 30 Mar 2009, 13:31,
3 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
The rumour mill.One of my housemates
What rumours have you constructed?
(
Slippery Mick ‏, Sun 22 Mar 2009, 21:40,
Reply)
Things you've done for moneyI was once paid to be a sign at Silverstone, holding a dayglo arrow to direct cars. I managed to fuck that up and sent a shitload of cars the wrong way on a one way system, causing the whole of outer Northampton to seize up in a fucking huge traffic jam.
What adventures have you had to earn a crust?
(
SpankyHanky, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 11:08,
Reply)
durty secretsI've got a durty secret. I can't possibly tell you lot, not unless you show me yours first. Spill 'em.
(
crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 18 Mar 2009, 15:40,
3 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
Other people's storiesWhen have you realised that you have become somebody else's story?
"You will never guess what I saw" they'll snigger as they recant the oddities of their encounter with you.
Tell us their stories.
(, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 2:24, Reply)
The Miracle of BirthEveryone has a story about how they popped unceremoniously into this world -- or at least, the nine months immediately preceding. From conception to the maternity ward, tell us your stories.
(, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 10:18, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)
Oh great B3tan overlords!For too long thou has forsaken us! In previous times, thou hast given unto us no less that two fine questions about poo, sexeral about sex and at least one about vomit! But you have overlooked that other most neccessary of bodily functions - that of the expelling of waste water from our bodies. Surely some B3tans must have some interesting stories about piss.
(, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 9:17, 1 reply, 16 years ago)
The moment of revelationTell us of the moment that you stopped believing in God, Allah etc; or the moment that your religion was 'confirmed' to you.
(
Methylene Blue - electrohead, Tue 10 Mar 2009, 14:00,
Reply)
If I Was In Charge...We all think we could do a better job at running the club / school / workplace / county / country / world / universe; but what exactly would you change and why?
(
Seventh is somewhat subdued, Wed 18 Feb 2009, 23:06,
2 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
Junk FoodRecession-hit UK is apparently consuming ever greater volumes of junk food, but what is the most horrible, interesting, or generally disturbing thing you have ever eaten (not counting you mate's mother)?
In my GCSE year we went on a school trip to Morocco, and went to some supposedly "traditional" event with corresponding food. Noone else would touch it, but I reasoned that it couldn't be too terrible, it was food after all. How wrong I was. I have never actually tried goat-tripe cooked in snail slime, but if it's anything like I imagine it to be, then it would be just like traditional Moroccan god-knows-what. A quick bout of retching and I saw the error of my ways, but there must be some other "junk" that people have mistakenly eaten.
Edit: Apologies if this is too like Terrible Food from two years ago (don't seem to be able to post URL). Forgot to search the archive. However, that was a long time ago and more about cooking than eating, so maybe this still works.
(
Ugi , it's a game of give and cake, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 16:18,
Reply)
Flukiest momentsSomething incredible has happened. I tossed a cigarette to my pal, only for it to land, butt first, in his mouth. What have you done which you couldn't do again if you tried?
(, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 20:25, Reply)
Random FactsI am a fountain of knowledge, and an asset to any pub quiz team, but struggle with some very basic tasks.
For example, I know that St. John's Wood is the only tube staion that contains none of the letters of the word 'mackerel', yet am stumped by my own shoe laces.
What random facts do you know?
Could it be the beginning of the b3ta quiz league?
(, Tue 10 Feb 2009, 23:45, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)
DictatorshipWhen I was 18, my girlfriend used to work several night-shifts (at McDonalds no less). Having nothing better to do, I would go see my mate (whom she despised). Oftentimes we would wander to his local and have a few pints. This was when I could have a night in the pub for maybe £4 at the most.
For some reason still unknown to me, she used to give me a right earful for it. I don't know what she expected me to do instead. Stay in and watch telly I suppose.
Saying that, she's mellowed a bit since and now refuses to go to sleep on the night until she's jacked me off.
Have you ever been rebuked for something you're perfectly entitled to do?
(
sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 10 Feb 2009, 9:57,
2 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
Unexplained until laterWhen much younger I once walked into a bathroom at a party to find three men engaged in a certain activity. Not exactly what you may think though - one was bent over, while the other two were wiping his arse for him and laughing manically. They then asked me if I "wanted a go".
Years later I twigged that a) they were probably gay, and b) they were most definitely on drugs.
What strange and shocking things have you seen which only made sense years later?
(
rofl harris, Mon 26 Jan 2009, 10:12,
Reply)
Childish beliefsWhen I was little, I had no idea that there was such a thing as a blank cartridge, so I was convinced that the actors being shot in cowboy films were just people who'd volunteered because they wanted to die.
Did you have any strange ideas about the world when you were younger?
Maybe you thought MC Hammer was Scottish, or something equally daft.
Share it with the world.
(
finnbar has officially retired, Wed 7 Jan 2009, 9:55,
2 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
the things we do for lovethe things we've done that, in hindsight, were ridiculous.
(, Sun 21 Dec 2008, 11:50, Reply)
pressThe local newspapers are rife with inconsequential stories about retiring dinner ladies, residents in old-people's homes celebrating their 102nd birthday and put it down to a bottle of Guinness a day and a cigar, or even story about a jumble sale that raised £23.87 for charity.
What's the most banal story you've seen in your local paper? Extra points if the story isn't even news. Even extra points if you can post a link to it from the paper's website.
(
sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 17 Dec 2008, 17:15,
3 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
What. The. Fuck. Is. That?One Christmas I was given a Terry Pratchett book by my sister, my brother had also purchased the same book for me. My parents made it a triumvirate of crushing disappointment as they passed me a distinctly Terry Pratchett book shaped present with looks of horror and shame.
Its the season to give, so what shit have you been given and what rubbish excuse was used by the giver after witnessing all hope and joy extuinguish in your eyes?
(, Tue 9 Dec 2008, 14:22, 1 reply, 16 years ago)
The Santa ClauseIn Denmark, Santa doesn't come on Christmas Day, he comes on Christmas Eve and delivers the presents to the Children in person.
I still remember the excitement as the Big Man came in to the room, the wonder as he looked upon me and handed me my Christmas gift.
It was a tragedy then, aged nine, that I was looking at photos and noticed that Saint Nick's rosy cheeks were, in fact, a mask, and the long beard was, in fact, hooked over his ears. Hammering the nail in to the coffin that was my childhood innocence was the fact that my Aunt was never in any of the photos.
Either my Aunt was Santa, or the whole thing was a collosal chirade.
So, how did you find out that Santa Claus doesn't exist?
(
Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Mon 8 Dec 2008, 11:24,
2 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
StudentsI was on the train from Epsom this morning, and there were two men near me of around 19 years of age.
One was wearing pink leggings and the other rhinestone gloves. I assumed they were on their way to a fancy dress party but they weren't, they were just undergraduates at the new Epsom "University of the Creative Arts".
For the entire journey to Waterloo they practiced being pirates.
"aaarh hearties".
"No, its aaaargh! me hearties..."
"aar! hearties."
"No LISTEN its aaaargh! me hearties..."
"aaoooor....."
Eventually the rhinestone one said "for GOD'S SAKE Sebastian can you just TRY, this is SERIOUS".
reassuring to know, then, that in these hard times the country will be able to mime and tapdance its way out of recession.
So my suggestion is "Gah! Bloody students".
(
browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Fri 5 Dec 2008, 11:06,
Reply)
CRINGE!When Hugh Grant was arrested along with Divine Brown there were jokes going around about how he'd apparently asked her if she was Native Indian, was she Navajo? No, New York Ho.
I told this joke in front of my dad...embarrassing enough but I did it with the added benefit of pretending that Ms Brown was chewing gum....well, that was my intention, but instead it appeared as if she was actually in the process of giving the blow-job.
I told my dad a joke while pretending to give Hugh Grant a blow-job.
Even as I'm writing this I'm cringing inside.
My dad laughed like a loon. I was even more embarrassed.
Tell us your cringeworthy stories of embarrassment.
Go on, you're amongst friends here.
*EDIT* Combine this with these two suggestions...
b3ta.com/questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post295985
and
b3ta.com/questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post299461
P.S.
Would it help if Freddie Woo either suggested or liked this one?
(
chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Sun 16 Nov 2008, 22:09,
3 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
We all secretly love secretsGot a secret you're dying to tell? Ever let something slip you shouldn't have? Ever been told a secret you wish you never heard?
Come and share your stories, we won't tell anyone, promise.
(, Sun 16 Nov 2008, 20:51, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)
SterotypesWhen where and how, in your experience, have the stereotypes we all hold so dear been:
a) Confirmed
...or...
b) Utterly confounded
..hopefully with hilarious and lol-worthy consequences or outcomes?
----------------
My (nearly) personal best was when a new starter arrived at the software company I worked at once. She was tall, blond glamorous and a sight to behold in a geeky male-dominated workplace. She'd been stashed at the only available spare desk, for we were expanding rapidly, which was next to the departmental secretary. A couple of days later one of the sales team approached her thusly:
"I need these faxing out and can you hang around by the machine 'cos the reply is pretty important - there's a lot of money in this contract?"
She responded "No, sorry I can't - I'm very busy right now".
Salesman is perplexed: "What do you mean, 'No'!?"
She: "I don't do that stuff".
Salesman: "Bloody hell woman! What do you do all day!?"
She: "My job title is 'Software Architect', but I'm really filling a systems analysis role at the moment..."
Salesman: "........"
(, Mon 10 Nov 2008, 4:09, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)
Morons at workI once worked with a person who told everybody how healthy she was. At lunch we watched her tip half a tonne of salt on her salad each lunch time. So I hid salt shaker in the false ceiling...
Have you encountered someone blindly stupid at work?
(, Tue 28 Oct 2008, 17:11, 1 reply, 16 years ago)
A musical oneIf your life could have a theme tune, what would it be and why?
(, Thu 16 Oct 2008, 10:16, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)
Idiotic ColleaguesI once had a colleague in Japan inform me by teleconference that I wouldn't be able to receieve a report she'd emailed me until the next day due to timezone differences. When I explained if this was how the rules of physics worked how was she able to communicate with my instantly via phone the entire audience of senior country managers promptly pissed themselves.
Who else out there has a co-worker so lacking in brains that breathing itself is a chore?
(, Tue 14 Oct 2008, 15:38, 1 reply, 16 years ago)
Practical JokesWhat the best practical joke you pulled off?
Personally I loved prank calls, I called my former workplace (a hotel where they had a thing for hiring polish folk who could hardly speak english) and the convo went a lil like this..
Me- 'Hello, can I speak to mr Wall please'
Receptonist- 'there is no mr wall here'
Me- 'Is mrs wall there?'
Rec- 'No'
Me- 'Are there any walls there?'
Rec- 'No'
Me- 'Well how does your ceiling stay up then?'
long pause..
Rec- 'Ill go check..'
pfft retard
(, Fri 10 Oct 2008, 20:34, Reply)
Religion!Have we not done religion!!??
As a kid my grandmother used to hit me if I forgot myself on a Sunday and did something as outrageous as laugh or read a comic. The swings and roundabouts where padlocked by the council to stop kids having heathen fun during the Sabbath. You've got to love the Wee Frees.
Have you been loved by a priest, blown up by a Muslim or found eternal peace and enlightenment?
(
Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Thu 9 Oct 2008, 13:28,
1 reply,
16 years ago)
What became of your school bully?Everyone has had some harassing prick in his life, who picked at you in school or in the neighborhood, and with progressing age, took away first your sweets, then money, and maybe, in modern times, even your mobile.
What happened to the twunt? Did he become the local alcoholic sitting on welfare, a mobster or is he a smug yuppie commanding others?
Extra points for stories of how carma screwed him.
(
Zhmei HEY B3TA I WAS ON YOUR DINGY ISLAND AT LAST!1!, Tue 7 Oct 2008, 11:12,
6 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
At the age of 16That age when you're most vulnerable and insecure about your appearance, I was told by a mate that I looked like Billy from doom metal band Testament. Naturally, I was mortified:
a) because he looks like one of the rapists in The Accused.
b) because I'm a girl.
To prevent such an insult recurring, I went on a strict diet and dyed my dark hair red.
It never happened again :)
Who've you been told you look like and how did it affect you?
(
gypsy turnips, Fri 3 Oct 2008, 20:56,
Reply)
wellThe sex QOTWs seem to get the most replies. How about "the most debauched thing you've ever done"?
May not be suitable for potential parliamentary candidates.
(, Mon 29 Sep 2008, 6:13, Reply)
I've just been to a gigand I saw some absolute psycho woman there. She was waving her arms around as though she were dead and being controlled by strings like a Thunderbird puppet. Worse still she was edging closer to the stage and crying hysterically. What's the most insane, freakish and/or disturbing thing you have ever seen at a gig?
(, Wed 24 Sep 2008, 17:45, Reply)
Best CostumesI'm thinking of going as a Flux Capacitor to Mr. B3ka's Dr. Emmett Brown this Halloween.
What are the best/worst/laziest Halloween/Fancy Dress/etc. costumes you've seen?
(, Thu 18 Sep 2008, 17:42, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)
Best nicknamesFunniest monikers assigned to your friends and colleagues.
Working in a publishing house, the main boss was known for cost cutting and generally being the counter of beans. He was nicknamed, 'The Count'
(and he looked a little bit like Dracula.)
Then he laid off a load of staff, and will forever be known as:
Count Sackula.
(, Wed 17 Sep 2008, 10:17, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)
The greatest example you've witnessed of wasted talent.(
mike woz ere 7442200 & 7696970 getter, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 2:49,
Reply)
Anything...Really, anything.
As long as it's brought in quickly and kills off the existing QotW.
(
Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 12 Sep 2008, 16:14,
Reply)
How about we do a nice one?After the spillage of hatred juice that was the customers from hell QOTW, why not do..."What's the nicest thing anyone has ever done for you?"
Let's get some awwwws going.
(, Fri 12 Sep 2008, 12:53, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)
My worst exSome exs we remain friends with, some we couldn't be bothered to ring anymore, some we would breathe a sigh of relief if they fell right under a speeding bus. Tell us about your worst exs.
(, Mon 8 Sep 2008, 19:46, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)
What's your compulsive disorder?Mine is folding empty crisp packets into a neat little triangle EVERY FUCKING TIME.
Drives the misses up the wall, sometimes I have to stuff it in my pocket and do it later.
What is it that you can't avoid doing?
(, Thu 4 Sep 2008, 13:48, 11 replies, latest was 16 years ago)
Novel solutionsTell us about your own novel or unique solution to a problem that you faced. Were you extra creative because you were drunk? Did you take a torturously long way round because you were being dim? Or do you think you had a genuine moment of genius and saw through the thin fabric of reality to the underlying truth?
Example: I put a shirt in my mates brand spanking new washing machine with a bunch of toothpicks in the pocket. The toothpicks passed through the holes in the drum, and congregated in the pump, which it didn't like (dunno why). Luckily my mate is a mechanic, so all the tools I needed to dis-assemble the machine were right there. I got to work, and, despite gashing my finger to the bone removing one of the weights, had almost completely reassembled it by the time he got home. The only thing that remained was a spring clip that needed to go round the rubber seal just inside the door to clamp it in place, and I had been srtuggling for a while to get the ends to meet, stretched round the mouth of the drum, and clip the fiddly bastard little clip together. Dean had a go as well, and in the end told me not to bother, as he had a tool at work that would be able to pull the two ends together. I was determined to finish what I started, despite the fact that it was now nearly ten at night. Then I had a flash of inspiration. I described my plan to Dean, and he told me I was clutching at straws, but I went ahead anyway; I took a zip-tie (cable tie, to some of you) and cut it into short pieces, I then inserted these pieces one by one between the coils of the spring to lengthen it. When I had enough in place, was able to easily hook the two ends of the clip together, and then pull out the pieces of zip tie, resulting in a working washing machine, praise rather then a pummeling from my mate, and a warm glow of satisfaction.
(, Wed 27 Aug 2008, 7:49, 4 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
Random alcohol souvenirsafter a night down the pub, what have you brought home that wasn't in your inventory before you went out?
I found a semi-dozy hedgehog in the road and brought him back in to finish off his kip. Imagine my surprise when he snuck into my living room from where I'd left him to slowly turn and nose-to-nose stare at me and freeze out of fear.
I let him out the front door after that.
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Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Tue 26 Aug 2008, 22:20,
Reply)
A fetishistic experience in an inappropriate situationThere is an Irish girl at my work. One time recently she was training me up on something. Her accent was really doing it for me in the sexual sense and it was a struggle to concentrate on what she was actually saying rather than just what she was sounding like.
Have you ever experienced anything fetishistic under such inappropriate circumstances?
(, Sun 24 Aug 2008, 20:14, 1 reply, 16 years ago)
"its all gone to shit"what have you done that when you look back can be classed as an EPIC FAIL
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willenium Fist bump for verification, Fri 22 Aug 2008, 18:30,
Reply)
Vigilante justiceAfter having read through so many QOTW stories of crimes or people just generally being cunts, it's time for a week of heartwarming tales. Despite the overload of bureaucracy and the lack common sense, there's still some decent folks left out there willing to stand up for what they believe in. Tell us your stories about how people took the law into their own hands for the greater good of humanity.
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mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Fri 8 Aug 2008, 19:34,
Reply)
Adverts that you FUCKING HATE!!!Rarrggghhhh!!!!!!!!
Mostly adverts are horrible, especially SC Johnson " a family company " (rarrgghhhhhhhhh) but some irritate you more to the core than others...........
Car adverts (for smug, self satisfied, company bods who taz about being wankers....)
Beauty adverts!!! I'd like to poke the creators eyes out with blunt sticks..."because I'm worth it!"
I can ignore the shite ads, I don't watch tv, so it doesnt normally bug me, apart from if I'm on a 'DAVE' watchathon of QI etc.....
But when I accidentally put the tv on...
I saw the Sugar Puffs ad the other night...
Bray Leino...
twats...
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curvylittlegoth heard the voices in your head on, Tue 5 Aug 2008, 23:12,
5 replies,
latest was 17 years ago)
How shy are you?Has being shy held you back in any way? What opportunities has this caused you to miss? How did you overcome your shyness? Did you overcome it for good or just briefly?
We want a no-holds-barred account of your shyness. This is QOTW - openness is encouraged. You are amongst friends here. Type away brave warrior...
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mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Sat 2 Aug 2008, 17:07,
Reply)
We have all been fucked over....Be it by a woman/man looking for a confidence boost or a co-worker stealing your idea, or perhaps a family member.
How have you been messed about and what was the outcome?
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Bamboo Steamer, Wed 30 Jul 2008, 23:50,
2 replies,
latest was 17 years ago)
How low have you goneWhile we are now of course all shining examples of virtue and taste .. we have all had our weak moments. What was yours?
For example, a couple of weeks ago I got a free bottle of Lambrini from my local Chinese takeaway to go with a big order I had delivered for a party.
Tonight, far too tired after work to be bothered going out to the offy for something half decent, I have actually opened it and am now in the process of drinking the stuff!!!
Also when I was a poor student decades ago I used to check the neighbours binbags at the dead of night for edible nibbles! gross I know but by christ I was hungry!
At the same time, in the middle of winter myself and a fellow student plumbed the depths by knocking on doors pretending to be collecting firewood for old age pensioners and keeping any woody donations for our own fire (we had burned all the furniture apart from the sofa weeks before)
How low is low for you ?
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RadG Drinking Mojitos in the sun, Fri 25 Jul 2008, 19:47,
2 replies,
latest was 17 years ago)
Just plain wrong..."There's no accounting for taste", or so the old saying goes. I am afraid that I must admit to having a funny tingling feeling in my nether regions whenever I see Gordon Ramsay or Jeremy Clarkson, and a girl I knew at High School once admitted to having a terrble penchant for Richard Madeley. Hmmmn.
Are you a b3tan who fancies someone...well, somewhat "unusual", and why?
(, Wed 23 Jul 2008, 17:50, Reply)
A good doctor friend of mineWas once asked to give a suppository to a female patient who was waiting behind a screen.
However, the intrepid medic bottled out when he pulled back the curtain to find the most attractive lady he'd ever seen on all fours with her bottom in the air.
What examples of medical tomfoolery can you come up with?
(, Tue 22 Jul 2008, 12:45, Reply)
Hospital StoriesCome on, you all must have a hospital story - gruesome, funny or touching. I want to hear more psychiatric nurse tales too!!
(, Fri 18 Jul 2008, 10:57, Reply)
things that make you gohmmm
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Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 17 Jul 2008, 18:23,
1 reply,
17 years ago)
Can't do it to save my lifeEveryone loves to brag about what they can do, but what about those infuriating little things that you just can't do?
I'm tone deaf and can't hold a tune to save my life (see what i did there?)so my friends have banned me from singing. Ever. Even in the shower. Gits.
(, Wed 16 Jul 2008, 19:11, 3 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
I live near a twuntbucketI would have used "Neighbours from Hell" as the subject, but that's been used by a tabloid TV programme. Nevertheless, that's the jist of it. What hilarious encounters have you had with the wankers next door?
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Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 11:44,
3 replies,
latest was 17 years ago)
What is the definition of absolute scum ?For example i live in the world infamous area of Dewsbury.
Today whilst walking down the street i saw a 13 year old henri Lloyd clad scab walking hand in hand with his equally chavtastic whore of a girlfriend walking down a street swigging cider.
The lad then decided he was going to be sick into somebody's garden whilst doing so he managed to cover his top in the lovely fresh vomit.
He then managed to get over his set back have another swig of white lightening and have a gut-wrenching kissing session with his girlfriend
anything scummier than that ?
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Mr Nerdy-Speccy-FuckNuts Ouchy ouchy wa wa!, Sat 12 Jul 2008, 18:16,
Reply)
oh, the irony!I was once dumped by a Blues musician - woke up this morning and the fecker had gone. Tell us the ironies in your life while avoiding Alanis Morissette comments.
(Note: may not be suitable for Merkins.)
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crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 10 Jul 2008, 9:30,
2 replies,
latest was 17 years ago)
Someone I know lost itI've often heard tales of people working in an office when all of a sudden, a co-worker who has a reputation for being quiet suddenly snaps and threatens to kill everyone, but in the end, just walks off leaving an office full of scared people. Or maybe it was you. Tell us your tales of people losing it or having mental breakdowns.
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mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Fri 4 Jul 2008, 16:36,
Reply)
I like this!Inspired by the button/link of the same name, what obscure things do you like?
Me, I like the voice of the French woman announcer on the inter-area ski-bus in chamonix. The way she says "Prochain arret - Les Chosalets!" makes me go all wibbly.
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Fireflier La la la la, not listening on, Thu 3 Jul 2008, 16:25,
1 reply,
17 years ago)
DreamsWhat's the weirdest/scariest/sexiest dream you've ever had? Did a dream ever inspire you to do something in real life? Have you ever had a dream come true (for good or bad)?
(, Mon 30 Jun 2008, 15:41, Reply)
Surviving the ApocalypseAll my friends and acquaintances have been chosen carefully for their usefulness in potentially surviving the apocalypse.
What service could you offer mankind in this instance?
(, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 14:12, Reply)
You dirty bastardsWhen i was younger i used to live happily in my own filth - leaving used bowls in my room, not taking my dirty pants to the laundry basket etc.
One day i was having a rare tidy, when i noticed half an apple under my bed. Well, when i say i noticed it what i mean is my hand delved into the mushy half maggot eaten remains.
What nasty suprises have you come across when tidying up? How bloody dirty are you?
(, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 12:21, Reply)
unwanted attentionthere is a banging noise on window and a wolf whistle. i turn around at my desk to see the accommodation window cleaner.
i can't even be flattered. he can't see me properly. If he could, there would be no wolf whistling. i am disheveled. my make up is smeared. i am wearing comfortable trousers of the baggy, stripy variety. my hair is at right angles.
i look around and scowl. it is my best scowl. this does not perturb him.
i go wandering out of my room. oh dear, they are at every window on my side of the building. i see them. i bang on flat mate's door. as it so happens, flat mate has left without my knowing it. it is blatant to the men at every window that i am trying to escape them.
i have nowhere to go. leaving the building means going right past them.
i go back to my desk with their laughter ringing in my ears and sulk.
there havent been enough stories of humiliation of late. bring 'em back!
(, Mon 19 May 2008, 15:45, Reply)
Real hard menWe've all seen the "hard" chavs who run at the first sight of danger, but what about the real hard men in the world?
On a polar expedition (1914), Ernest Shackleton's ship was trapped by ice. He took a few men and sailed a small, open lifeboat 800 miles over the most dangerous seas in the world, landed on an island and climbed mountains thousands of metres high (through entirely uncharted territory) to reach the nearest human habitation on the other side of the island. He then returned to rescue every last man stuck on the ship.
Then there's Ranulph Fiennes (another polar explorer for those who don't know) - he got frostbite in his fingers. Eventually he got so fed up with them aching once he was home that he cut them off with a hacksaw in his garden shed, then went back to watching the football on TV.
Or a guy I know from up North (former open water windsurfing instructor) who broke his foot wakeboarding, to the extent that the bone stuck out of his foot. He put electrical tape over it and carried on for another hour before driving himself to A&E.
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Hdjejjwsjdjjf LOOK, Tue 13 May 2008, 22:17,
2 replies,
latest was 17 years ago)
When I'm falling asleepmy brain often wanders off on very strange tangents- last night I got onto thinking about the detective investigation that surrounded Peter Sutcliffe.
What strange thoughts do you have when falling asleep?
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Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Mon 12 May 2008, 20:47,
Reply)
What is your big science question?I've often wondered how goldfish could have gone through millions of years of evolution without learning how to stop eating when they're full. Do you have a big science question? Or a theory that explains everything?
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flatfrog Staring vacantly into space, Fri 9 May 2008, 8:45,
1 reply,
17 years ago)
Brilliant.Not one "last" post this week.
Howabout "things you LOVE" sometime soon?
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Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Thu 8 May 2008, 12:33,
2 replies,
latest was 17 years ago)
stupidest person you've evermet
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browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Wed 30 Apr 2008, 17:22,
Reply)
In repsonse to last weeks vague open to interpretation qotwlet's do the same for teh kitties
kids suck
cats rule
after all where would t'interweb be without kittens?
(, Thu 24 Apr 2008, 13:42, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
Pointless challenges you set yourselfDo you set yourself any regular challenges to liven up your day that only you know about, and are therefore utterly pointless?
Extra points awarded if you have any kind of formal self-scoring scheme!
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superstoater is so mauve, you don't know what he's planning, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 23:46,
2 replies,
latest was 17 years ago)
Stupidest injury...Everyone has an injury caused by doing something so unbelievable stupid.
One of my worst was I was playing on my lovely shiny new PS2 and getting stuck on Crash Bandicoot...As I got frustrated, I bit the controller as hard as I could, only to crack a tooth, which made me even more angry and caused me to yank the conroller, which was connected to the Playstation, which then promptly fell on my foot cracking a bone. I was 14...
Tell us about your stupidest injuries!
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sausagesucker just paid £5.00 for a cup of Tea!, Mon 21 Apr 2008, 21:10,
Reply)
Wrong number!I once had the misfortune of accidentally sending a message intended for a (now ex) girlfriend full of incredibly gratuitous sexually explicit descriptions of the planned activities for that night. Unfortunately it went to her home number instead of the mobile number, which led to her parents sat there enjoying a cup of tea with her, whilst tom baker described how he was going to do all kinds of rather nasty things to her over the answerphone.
Anyone else had similar experiences with wrong numbers?
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Muns, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 15:31,
1 reply,
17 years ago)
Reopen the worst sex one...but rename it the best sex you've ever had so as to keep your pervy community happy.
(, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 14:47, Reply)
What Your Mam / Gran Thinks You Do For A LivingUnless you are a solicitor, doctor or teacher then your mother WILL NOT know what you do for a living.
Ask the question, and post the answer word-for-word.
I develop self-serve web interfaces for a telecoms company. In the end, I had to say to my mother: "You know that advert for Nat West in which those two idiots come up with stupid ideas to skank/confuse customers...? Their colleague "Will" tries to make them see sense and that advert always ends with one of the idiots saying "Yeah WILL!"... Well, mother, I'm Will"
(, Tue 15 Apr 2008, 16:00, 3 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
Schoolboy errorsEither things you fucked up on the 1st attempt (like trying to start a coal fire in a blocked off fireplace) or actual errors you made AS a schoolboy ie. (found in an essay "I learned so much the first time I baby-sat. I couldn’t just warm up any old formula. She was lack toast and tolerant.”)
Or, if you're a bit shady, errors you've made WITH schoolboys...
(, Sun 13 Apr 2008, 17:20, 1 reply, 17 years ago)
Typos you regret.Typos are mostly innocent, but have you ever made one that was tough to live down?
My friend was updating their CV to include the fact she gave to charity.
She certainly got the attention of the interviewer, who noticed she had missed out a letter in one of her sentences.
"In my free time, I like to help the poo."
Have you ever been in a situation where a typo just made you want to cry for many minutes?
(, Sat 12 Apr 2008, 23:58, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
What's the stupidest place you've got stuck ?Aged about 8 I got myself trapped in a turnstyle at the entrance to our local Payless DIY store.
The firebrigade were called and the turnstyle had to be dismantled to get me out.
Where have you got stuck and what did it take to release you?
(, Wed 2 Apr 2008, 11:37, Reply)
Seeing as it's April Fool's Day.My mum works in a school and one year for April Fool's Day the headteacher organised an assmebly and announced to the children that they would have to come in on Saturday mornings to make up for lost time. About half of the children became really distressed and through sobs said, "But . . but . . I see my Daddy on Saturday mornings and that's the only time I'm allowed to see him in the week."
Sort of backfired. So does anyone else have stories about jokes or pranks that backfired?
(
Fluffy elephants, Tue 1 Apr 2008, 12:11,
Reply)
RevelationsWhat was your biggest revelation, when did you decide to dramatically change your life and why?
(, Sat 29 Mar 2008, 12:05, Reply)
Random Acts of KindnessWhen cycling along, I managed to fall off my bike due to a slippery road. No injuries to me, but bikey didn't fare so well. A lady who drove by about a minute later actually stopped her car, came over and helped out - not just holding the bike up while I worked, but unscrewing nuts and bolts, and re-oiling bits. I've never forgotten it.
Have you ever done something really decent for someone else, for no reason at all?
Or have you been on the receiving end of such an act?
(, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 17:34, Reply)
Single Minded, Me?One night a long long time ago when the local Chinky still spooned your hangover cure into a foil container rather the firmer plastic ones you get nowadays I rushed home (well staggered quickly) in anticipation of a Curried King Prawn taste sensation.
Within sight of my house the ar** end of the carrier bag gave way and the contents of said container were spread over a rather wet (it was pis**ng down) and dirty pavement.
This brought forth gales of laughter from my pals who were all still Chinky Intactus at this point.
However their laughter soon switched to cries of "no way" and such like as I got down on hands and knees and used the lid to scrape it all back up again, (and yes I did take it home and eat all of it, fags ends, pigeon poo and "other" things no doubt).
I must have the constitution of a seagull as I suffered not a jot the next day.
When has single minded-ness caused you to do something out of character. and were there any repercussions?
(, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 15:34, Reply)
Have you muddled your words up lately?Last time i was in birmingham i decided to be romantic when my better half asked me "do you want to go to the cinema, or watch a DVD" What i meant to say way.
"I could be lying under the duvet with you, or in the cinema and i'd still be happy you're next to me."
Instead i said "I could be lying under the cinema with you, or....hang on, what the fuck did i just say?"
spoiled the mood a bit and she still holds it against me to this day, but we laugh at it.
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Jinxy13 is hating the S key, right about now., Wed 26 Mar 2008, 19:20,
Reply)
Religious people being stupidThis week Catholic MPs want to ban research that might save lives because apparantly by creating hybrid embryos, scientists are behaving exactly like Dr Frankenstein. And my Christian friend once told to me I was definitely going to hell whilst he was eating a hamburger on a friday.
What stupid things have your religious friends or family members done or said?
(, Sun 23 Mar 2008, 3:07, Reply)
Your first day of school.It'll be interesting to see who can remember their first day of school, and if not, if they've been told what happened.
I know my first day was good, but on the second day I kicked my teacher in the face.
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ClanSoul, Sat 22 Mar 2008, 12:15,
Reply)
Complaining as an Art-FormJust last week I sent a long, snotty e-mail to a jobsworth who had decided to cancel a group booking for his comedy club. Here's a little sample:
"...I also find your comments regarding the performers being 'embarrassed' by having a large party in the room to be unfounded and frankly ridiculous. It is a nonsense to suggest this as a reason for rejecting a booking - I know of no performer who would be 'embarrassed' to have a full house at one of their shows. I can only assume, therefore, that the acts you have booked are so devastatingly, relentlessly average that they can't stand the sound of tumbleweed echoing through the bar when one of their ill-thought out skits falls flat on its face for the hundredth time. Assuming I have overstated the case (which I suspect), it's also a nonsense to suggest that we would be embarrassed to take up the majority of your seats. Do you assume that because we come from an office that we are unable to laugh at jokes? Is there some kind of universal law that I don't know about which states people on a works do are unable to laugh?
I do not believe that your reasons for rejecting our booking hold water. Furthermore, to inform me of your decision 6 days (or rather, four working days before the event) is so far away from incompetence that you can't even see incompetence from where you're stood. Your organisation has now effectively destroyed a night out that has been meticulously planned out and now leaves my colleagues and I with very little time to organise a suitable replacement. The blame for this is laid squarely at your feet, and I would suggest that it would be your responsibility to suggest an alternate venue for us, were it not for the fact that I suspect you'd be reticent to give business to your competitors while recklessly turning it away yourselves. Talking of which, we would have put £1,000 behind your bar to keep our staff lubricated for the evening, it appears that this sum of money is paltry in comparison the millions you no doubt rake in on these world famous comedy nights..."
So come on. Complaining is fun - tell us your best complaints and what you got in return!
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Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Wed 12 Mar 2008, 17:01,
3 replies,
latest was 17 years ago)
Last night I dremed about rats, stop signs and dead mexican ladiesI want to know what everybody else dreamed of
(, Wed 5 Mar 2008, 11:43, 1 reply, 17 years ago)
School-Friends ReunitedYou must still know someone from school... no matter how long or short a time it's been since you left the educational system.
What's the best story you've heard about 'someone you went to school with'?
Bonus points if you can beat me... and I've got a few 'celeb' stories, murders, drug deals and a school closure... all from the same school!
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HSDriver was probably still at work on, Tue 4 Mar 2008, 1:17,
Reply)
How did you end up in your present occupation?My career is directly attribuatble to GCSE Latin and A-Level history. I'm sure your lives are funnier, though. How did you end up where you are now?
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Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Wed 27 Feb 2008, 12:08,
1 reply,
17 years ago)
TantrumsA girl I'm not so keen on is currently in a performance of the musical Sweet Charity. The director cut one of her lines the other day, so she threw a tantrum and stormed out for an hour. She's 20 years old.
What examples of tantrums have you witnessed?
(, Fri 22 Feb 2008, 11:39, Reply)
Things you loved as a child, but hate now.I used to love America when I was 5. The concept of it, the movie star president, Disneyland, Disneyworld, Macdonalds, movies. The place had to be fabulous and far better than where I lived in the UK.
20 years later, I found myself bored to tits in some backwater in Michigan. It was only for a week, but still... I was losing the plot. The place was full of people lacking, well, gorm. And the president was a cunt, the country started a stuped and dangerous war, and Macdonalds are now evil, and Disney's not done anything good since the Little Mermaid (unless Pixar made it).
What else has changed from magic to mince since childhood?
(
drunkenoaf, Fri 22 Feb 2008, 10:15,
1 reply,
17 years ago)
Mentalswho (what) is the best mental you have seen or know of... ?
(, Wed 20 Feb 2008, 11:32, Reply)
Banks?In the news this week. My bank has recently decided that I am worth £5K of credit limit less, even though it only increased it last month to cover my (always paid on time) expenditure.
What great things has a bank done to you?
(, Sun 17 Feb 2008, 19:54, 1 reply, 17 years ago)
That goes in your mouth?Tuna salad made with maple syrup instead of mayo, quesadias made with cheerios instead of salsa, yogurt on ham and swiss on french toast, what apprently unappetising or just plain retarded sounding recipe do you have that is actually really delicious?
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hanke murphy, I'm a mess, Sat 16 Feb 2008, 20:28,
1 reply,
17 years ago)
Tell me a storyWhy not have a question of the week where people can tell a story about anything? They can pick something interesting that happened to them and write a story about it.
Let's see people go off topic on that one!
(, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 10:22, 1 reply, 17 years ago)
Introduce a new "Day"Valentine's Day is coming soon, followed by Mother's Day. I think we should have a new "Day".
"Tell your boss what you think of him/her without getting the sack day"
or
"Tell the customer what you think of him/her without getting the sack day"
Either works for me.....
What "Day" would you introduce?
(, Mon 11 Feb 2008, 15:33, 4 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
SkivingMy brother was about 13 and was screaming in pain one morning. My mum called an ambulance. The paramedics said they thought it was appendicitis and rushed him to hospital.
When he got there, he got all sorts of tests done and nobody could figure out what it was.
After all the tests had been done, and my brother had been poked in almost every orifice, he then admitted he'd just wanted the day off school.
What were your best skives?
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Methylene Blue - electrohead, Sun 10 Feb 2008, 15:57,
Reply)
serenadedI work at my local pub, which has a karaoke night on Wednesday nights.
One night, I had a particularly lovely Canadian boy shamelessly chat me up and ask me out. As I am taken (although I am a sucker for Canadian accents... but i digress), I turned him down.
After drinking many Canadian Club and cranberries, he declared that he would sing a song just for me. "I promise you," he said solemnly, "you'll LOVE me after this."
He then got up and sang "Born to be Wild".
It was rather flattering, but I did burst out laughing at him when he returned.
Have you ever been serenaded? Alternatively, has anyone ever made a grandiose gesture to attract your affections? How did it go?
(, Sat 9 Feb 2008, 7:07, Reply)
Music FestivalsEverybody knows the major music festivals, Glastonbury etc...
Remember mud wrestling? or Taking drugs?
Remind yourself of the good days.
(, Fri 8 Feb 2008, 0:29, Reply)
Crazy Ex'sAfter the seemingly worrying trend of people loving the dodgy stories of pain and torment in peoples lives here on B3ta i propose a 'Crazy Ex's' QOTW
We've all had one that stood out from the rest, what is your tale of woe?
(, Mon 4 Feb 2008, 15:59, Reply)
Embarrassing childhood memoriesWhat moments as a child still make you cringe?
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Trollman, Thu 31 Jan 2008, 15:14,
Reply)
What is said -v- What is meant.Ie:
We need to talk = You're sooooo ducking fumped.
I got this lovely shower gel for a bargain price, you should get some = Have a shower, you dirty smelly fuckpig.
(, Thu 31 Jan 2008, 14:48, 3 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
Resisting temptation.....Or not, as the case may be. When were you last tempted to do something really really naughty?
Mine? Last summer, while England was suffering horrendous flooding, I was basking in the Spanish sunshine. Sky News were asking people to send in photos of "where you are".
I was soooo tempted to send a piccie of the glorious sunny weather, blue skies and dry pavements. I didn't, because of the fear that they'd get me on my return.
What was your last "Adam and the apple" moment, and did you resist?
(, Thu 31 Jan 2008, 14:43, Reply)
After bastard colleagues...How about bastard punters? Eh? Eh? Those inbred, mouth breathing scrotes that cause garden centres no end of grief when they take their grow bags back for a refund because 'despite watering it solidly for three weeks, it hasn't grown any tomatoes like on the photograph'.
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Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 30 Jan 2008, 15:40,
2 replies,
latest was 17 years ago)
Arch nemesisBatman had the Joker (insert Heath Ledger joke here), Superman’s got Lex Luther, but who’s your arch enemy. Is it the school bully who tormented you, a jilted ex-lover with a Glen Close complex? Or how about the twat with a head like a can of spam, who only refers to you by your surname?
‘Fess up peeps.
(, Mon 28 Jan 2008, 13:11, Reply)
Crap filmsMe and my mate have just started 'whack film of the week', where each week we watch a poor film and see if we can out-do it the week after. This week's film was 'Son of the Mask' which was truly awful, but not as bad as the worst I've ever seen - 'Gosford Park'.
What's the worst movie you've ever seen and why?
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Turquoise Hexagon Sun has just dropped acid on, Wed 9 Jan 2008, 22:02,
10 replies,
latest was 17 years ago)
You're not supposed to have fun......that's why they call it work.
What's the most fun you've had at work? I remember six of virtually rolling around on the FL when someone wondered aloud what our Sales & Marketing Director (aged 58, bald, cross and fat) would look like in a pair of Speedos.
(, Wed 9 Jan 2008, 14:04, 1 reply, 17 years ago)
Hotel SplendidoWe've had crap meals out - but what about awful hotels, B&Bs, or friends' houses where you've had no choice but to stay the night?
(
Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Wed 9 Jan 2008, 9:17,
Reply)
Childhood ambitions fulfilledHave you ever got around to doing that thing you promised yourself you'd do when you were grown up, because you weren't allowed to/couldn't afford to as a child?
Harpo Marx once bought $25 worth of black jelly beans and ate them by the handful all through a film, thus curing himself of a long held ambition in one fell swoop.
I'm desparately wracking my brains for any sort of childhood ambition...I did want to be a writer when I was about 18 or 19, and posting stories of my yoof on b3ta is kind of fulfilling that need.
(, Tue 8 Jan 2008, 15:34, Reply)
Really Bad Customer ServiceTaken from a corporate bollox customer service training day I went to recently. We were asked to think of examples of really bad customer service we had received. Name and shame those companies that have ripped you off or made your life a misery.
(, Sun 30 Dec 2007, 23:54, Reply)
Best thing you have ever stolen.I remember me and a few friends were at the house party of another guy we all knew but didn't really like. So come the time we all get bored and decide to leave via bicycle (but that is another story in itself) we decide to have a little competition. The aim being, to steal the most pointless/random/largest object we could find without being too harsh. I grab an old skool stylee cassette-radio thing, one friend takes a bowl of glass sweets from above the fireplace, and the third friend finds a sledge hammer in the garage. Needless to say, he won as his was the largest. So, aside from the usual traffic cones and road signs, what is the best thing you have even stolen?
(, Sat 24 Nov 2007, 12:18, Reply)
Parents vs kidswhat did you do to embarrass your parents?
or your parents to embarass you?
(, Wed 31 Oct 2007, 9:57, Reply)
Ruin a jokeA polar bear walks into a bar. "I'd like a pint and............. a bag of nuts, please". Barman says, "Why the big pause?" and the bear replies, "Sorry, I'm epileptic and that was a petit mal episode."
SOOOO: tell us a classic/ old joke, and then pimp it to make it strange, different, and potentially wonderful. Funny ha-ha would be good, but funny-peculiar is funny as well...
(
Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 25 Oct 2007, 16:04,
2 replies,
latest was 14 years ago)
l'espirit d'escalierIn school, on of the bullies on my bus was taking the piss out of my mate Kevin Arthur for having a surname like a first name. The bully in question's name was Gary George, but being a first year, I kept quiet...
Ever wish you'd said something to someone at the time?
(
BlueHaze Chutney. All good., Tue 16 Oct 2007, 13:43,
Reply)
Everything I know about life, I got from the moviesWhen I was a kid, I used to wear tight blue jeans and a baseball jacket, convinced that I was Eddie Murphy from Beverley Hills Cop – Despite the fact that I was a 13 year old spotty schoolboy…and WHITE.
Even as an adult, and admittedly when drunk, I have sometimes found myself outstretching my arm and trying to use ‘the force’. I have also passed comment / argued about subjects that I regard as fact, simply because I saw it in a movie, ‘therefore it must be true’.
Anybody else had their lives / philosophy / personality changed because of a movie?
(
Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 11 Oct 2007, 10:35,
Reply)
accidental text messagesi stayed in a b&b once with my family for my cousin's wedding. i was supposed to be picking my mate up the next day to head for a bbq and he kept going on at me not to be late.
anyway, i got a text the morning after the wedding saying 'time to get up' - hungover, half asleep, and trying to quote a line from little britain, I texted back 'fuck off you black bastard!'
then came the reply: 'its your mum'
she texted me because breakfast was being served downstairs.
i tried explaining the context in front of my extended family but it didn't wash.
have you ever texted something wildly inappropriate to the wrong person?
(, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 18:22, Reply)
Inappropriate commentsMy friend X tells of how she performed oral on her boyfriend. After the act, did he tell her "I love you?" Nope, not even the less conventional "Now roll over and bite the pillow, it's going in dry." He stared at his newly-polished bulb and came out with this gem, somewhat inappropriate in the sexual afterglow: "Wow! That's spotless, how did you do that?!"
(, Tue 2 Oct 2007, 23:15, Reply)
Acts of petty vandalismAt work, we've just had some new lifts installed, and the manufacturers name: 'Schindler' is embossed on a plaque on the panel in the wall. For the last 48 hours, it has been all I can do to stop myself adding a pluralisation and additional word...
Making it: "Schindler's Lift".
What acts of petty vandalism have you performed, or are desperate to perform, at home, in the workplace, or on the streets?
(, Wed 26 Sep 2007, 18:05, Reply)
Festivals....your ultimate memoirsThis suggestion was inspired by my son [Yes the Ben of bensMum]
Who at this years Reading wore a purple dress, fishnets, false boobs and green wellies in honour of Gogol Bordello. Then while enjoying a later set [I think it was Jack Penate but may be wrong] got pissed upon by a random stranger. Thus resulting in pushing said stranger across the tent before finally punching him and we suspect breaking his jaw.
Poor lad thought he'd pissed on a bird, who turned round and revealed itself to be a 6'2 geezer with the right hump.
My boy isn't usually a violent lad, I raised him proper. But on this occasion I can see his point.
The retelling of the tale made me ponder as to others festival stories. They must be good.
P.S. I won't go into the condom falling out of the sleeping bag at this stage. I will save it for QOTW if it arises
P.P.S. He has photos to prove the purple dress but won't trust me with them.
(, Tue 25 Sep 2007, 18:21, Reply)
Beer goggles, love goggles or just plain stupid goggles?There have been a couple of times in my life when I have thought certain girls have been so eye-poppingly attractive that I would have walked over hot coals to use their shit as toothpaste, and desperately made a twat of myself trying to pull them...usually going too far, alienating the real people I care about and making a bigger, sadder twat of myself in the process.
In the end, when I took a step back and actually looked at the person(s) involved, I realised that they're actually not so worth it after all (one had a moustache!) and without exception, succeed or not, I ended up hating myself a little more each time.
Anybody else had to give themselves a metaphorical slap round the face? or fallen foul of the blindness that only beer / love / idiocy can provide you with?
(
Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Mon 24 Sep 2007, 15:13,
Reply)
LostMy grandmother once managed to get lost in her own back garden. She was picking fruit and looked up to see what she thought was her neighbour's washing hanging out, which looked surprisingly identical to her own, because it was indeed her own.
Tell us your stories of getting lost.
(
K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 20 Sep 2007, 16:47,
Reply)
Hang on a second...We've all had it happen; something happens and it's not till later that soemthing clicks in your mind and you realise what it means.
Example: A friend of mine once took a phone call, talked for a while, then came and sat down to watch some tv with me.
About five minutes later, my friend suddenly sat upright, turned to me with an expression of utter confusion and said "Wait a minute, how does [person on the phone] know my number? I never gave it to him."
What are your 'Hang on...' stories?
(, Thu 20 Sep 2007, 10:10, Reply)
The Language BarrierAs a Brit in the US I can be misunderstood in conversation, sometimes with hilarious consequences. Though usually not. But the majority of my co-workers are actually Chinese and despite speaking excellent English, certain nuances can be lost.
For example, I accidentally outed two straight blokes during a meeting last week, due to a misunderstanding during a conversation about "partners". There is now a new girl in my lab who thinks that all the blokes she works with are gay. Ooops.
So when have your communication skills let you down? Splillez le beans as they may or may not say en France.
(, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 22:35, Reply)
How would you get away with it?A murder maybe? Or a theft?
I'd like to think that killing someone with a sharp, & strong, icicle would leave very little evidence.
Entertain, or inform, us all with how you'd do something & get away with it.
(, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 10:37, Reply)
my ears are burningwhat sort of outrageous stuff have you overheard?
working in a pub where all the customers think we cannot hear anything they are talking about.
this one group of people always say dumb stuff just as i pass them
eg "and a si got my hand there, her panties were sooo wet!" and
"no no no, it should be; more libations my imperial lord?"
(, Wed 29 Aug 2007, 11:00, Reply)
Comic book adventuresI've been to casualty a number of times but have never seen a small child with a saucepan stuck on his head. Have you ever seen or witnessed a classic comic book scenario?
(, Fri 24 Aug 2007, 14:42, Reply)
Workmates from hellI'm a typesetter who has to deal with a proofreader with OCD.
And I mean real 'Curious incident of the dog...' OCD.
Consequently every piece of work takes him around two to three hours to proof read (anyone else would take about half and hour), and he's constantly fucking around with things to get them to match his idea of what 'correct' is.
It's a fucking nightmare and no mistake.
What's your workmate from hell story?
(
Joe Scaramanga with a G-double-O-D vibration, Thu 16 Aug 2007, 10:52,
Reply)
What's on your report card?I completely fucked up my 6th form year, and got serious aggro from the olds for my report. All sorts of "disappointing" and "failed to achieve to his potential" and the like.
However my mates report was the best. For maths, instead of the usual 3 or 4 paragraphs outlining why he sucked, his teacher had simply written "Chris does little or no work unless supervised".
Now think about that.
(, Mon 13 Aug 2007, 13:25, Reply)
Corporal PunishmentForget naughty steps and reward charts, were you beaten at school? Got a smacked bum as a kid? What did you do to deserve it and was it worth it?
(, Thu 9 Aug 2007, 14:12, Reply)
Inappropriate Work BehaviourMy mate Furious 'D' (who is rapidly gaining legendary status) used to work at a bank. Now they had something like 'loyalty points' that you earned for attendance / suggestions and such shite. It took him about six months to get enough points to order a free DVD, and when he finally got the order form, filled out a request for 'Anal Intruders 4', with the intention of jokingly faxing it to his mate in another department. Trouble is, the bell-end mistakenly faxed it through to head office and was up for a disciplinary quicker than shit through a goose.
...
Also, same FD, same bank...Went on a 'team building' course with a 'day at the races' missed the 'get to know each other tea & chat' and headed straight to the bar where he proceeded to work his way through a slab of Carling. At the very end of the day, he remembered he had been given a 'token' £20 to put on a horse...it was the very last race...he had done cock-all...he knew nowt about gambling...& he was rat-arsed. He put it all down on the first horse on the list and it romped in netting him something like £200, the receipt of which prompted him to shout "FUCK MY ARSE!" at the top of his pissed-up voice in front of all his colleagues and half the directors of the bank (which starts with 'L' and ends in loyds TSB by the way).
He doesn't work there anymore...your accounts are safe.
Anybody else out there done something (or not done something) at work which got you the sack, or should have got you the sack, but didn't, perhaps due to liberal bosses or sexual favours or something? I dunno...
Fill yer boots!
(
Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Wed 1 Aug 2007, 10:34,
Reply)
Caught in the actPlease please please post the suggestion further down of "Have your parents ever caught you wanking?"!! I have an excellent story about a guy I went to school with (no seriously, it really is a friend, not me!) and I'm absolutely bursting for an excuse to tell it!!
(, Mon 23 Jul 2007, 3:47, Reply)
PratsI work as a till bitch at a shite supermarket. It begins with "S" and ends in "ainsbury's." This bloke came in today and tried to push in front of three people, to which I said "sorry mate, back of the que is there." He drew himself up to his full (not that impressive) height, puffed out his chest and cried aloud: "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!"
I, in all honesty, replied "not a clue mate. Back of the que, please."
Turns out he was some twunt what was on Big Brother year before last or something. He had a hissy fit and stormed out when people laughed at me/him.
When was the last time you saw someone make a total prat of themselves?
(, Sun 15 Jul 2007, 18:42, Reply)
The most public place you had sexand that can be a crafty wank halfway up a mountain to rogering your missus under the table in a restaurant....neither of which I am familiar with.. ahem!
(, Mon 2 Jul 2007, 16:30, Reply)
Accidental ViolenceA few days ago i toe punted a toddler square in the chest as i was walking.
He fell back quite far and i ran like fuck before anyone noticed.
'Twas a good day...
(, Sun 24 Jun 2007, 17:52, Reply)
Childish substitutes for "grown-up" wordsMy mates and I once compiled a list of amusing terms to describe things like defecation, masturbation and female/male genitalia
Among my personal contributions were fish mitten (for lady parts obviously)
Sitting on a totem pole (having a big poo) and tending the axe wound (nasty I know but the more horrific the better!)
Childish I know but we're all guilty of having done it.
What less-than scientific descriptions are guaranteed to make you giggle like a schoolgirl?
(, Wed 20 Jun 2007, 14:42, Reply)
The Class JokerWho was it and what pranks did they pull, which kid would answer yes to the dangerous question, "so you think your a comedian?"
(, Wed 20 Jun 2007, 1:17, Reply)
The most horrific thing I've ever seen.I was walking home from school one day when I came across a grizzly sight on the corner of a road. It was a fox, eating a cat. Not sure what to do, I watched it blankly for a while. It then threw up on the cat, and continued eating, having doused it in it's own marinade.
What's the most horrific thing you've ever seen?
(
Lightguy hail satan, Wed 13 Jun 2007, 16:08,
Reply)
Your first all-nighterI was a young lad of 15, we used to go round to this girl's hotel lets call her 'Claire'. Claire's mother was basically scum, and let her daughter do everything she wanted so we abused this fact by befriending her just to get drunk on weekends (for free). On one November night it was nearing 3a.m and we were bored, drunk and wide awake. so in my ultimate wisdom i suggested we go to Oliver's Mount (nice viewing point in Scarborough, you can see the entire town and the sea). Myself my best mate and this stoner kid decide to go, so off we run in the dark whilst it snows.
We get to the top of the mount at around 4a.m and sit around freezing our arses off until about 6a.m at which point we hastily leave as McDonalds breakfasts open at 6:30a.m. It was really crap and really cold (The weather and the McDonalds breakfast), and it was overcast so we didnt even see a nice sunrise, at least we managed to sneak back in the hotel at 8a.m and grab a cooked breakfast before sleeping until around 2 in the afternoon.
*Prays to the B3tan gods that my question is picked*
(, Thu 7 Jun 2007, 22:40, Reply)
BusesAren't buses shit?
I mean really.
Theres a bus driver here in sunny Hampshire and he has the whole paedo-look going on. He has a shaved head and a little cross earring and his teeth stick out so far that if you punched him in the mouth your fingers would be cut off.
I was at the bus station talking about something with a mate when i made a joke about Paedos (as ya do) and he walked past giving me the most evil look ever. He has hated me ever since.
I didn't exactly help when yesterday, after waiting at my stop for about 30 mins before he rolled up looking stressed. "Man, your early" i said, he glared at me and i scrambled for a seat before he knocked me out.
Another thing, I was at the same stop and the bus was at the traffic lights on a four way junction with a roadsweeper infront of it. The sweeper pulled out, seemingly to go forward,when the bus shot past him, nearly crashing in the middle of the junction. He drove up to us at the stop and nearly overshot before breaking hard. He opened the doors, looked right at me and said "Phew, that was close, wasn't it?"
Christ. Your bad experiences with buses, maybe?
(, Wed 6 Jun 2007, 14:36, Reply)
Mental images you could do withoutYou know the kind, only today i was sat in a meeting with a client an elderly lady who is quite nice...
but she has a gurgling colostomy bag.. i mean seriously! im sat there in this small quiet room while shes filling forms in and i hear the most vile sound ever - you know that noise that you bowels make just before you fart? imagine that coming from under someones jumper... my imagination goes into overdrive and im left wondering if she was flatulating into that bag... or has she filled it? then the smell came.... the most god awful smell i have ever had the misfortune to [smell/taste/chew/cut with a knife]
is it possible these things can leak? i didn't wait to find out! i put my hand in my pocket and navigated to my phone and managed to press the volume button on my phone to give the impression it was ringing made some bullshit excuse about an emergency at the office and left!
(, Tue 5 Jun 2007, 15:39, Reply)
Meeting your significant otherYour stories - sappy or otherwise - on how you came to meet your present wife/husband/girlfriend/boyfriend/fuck buddy
I had the good fortune of winning a ticket to the theatre in an office prize draw. This rather pleasant young lady from the next office also won theatre tickets, so we decided to go together.
We have been married for sixteen years.
I won my wife in a raffle.
(
Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 24 May 2007, 11:55,
Reply)
LIES!!!An ex once told me, in all seriousness, that you could get stomach cancer by eating jackect potatoes cooked in the microwave.
What lies have been spun to you, or been spun by your own wicked self?
(
Droog is too orangey for crows, Tue 22 May 2007, 13:04,
Reply)
Room 101I,ve just been Watching room 101 on tv,if anybody aint seen it celebrities name 5 things they like to banish into a fictitous room forever.Could be anything you like....Like some examples from previous shows..... dog turds,morris dancers,boy bands...What things really get on your tits and you,d like to see gone forever?
(, Sun 20 May 2007, 2:46, Reply)
In my day...When I was 12-13, I regularly travelled from Heathrow to Kings Cross on the tube by myself - carrying two fuck off great suitcases and two overnight bags. Unbelievably, I was never raped, mugged, abducted or murdered.
What did you do as a child / teenager that we would never in a million years let our own children do?
(
b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 14 May 2007, 10:30,
Reply)
When did you first see Goatse?I was lounging around at home when my sister started yelling "Em, Em, come here, come here!" Wondering what was so exciting, I wandered downstairs to the loungeroom where my sister had been using a chat website. "This guy said he'd send a picture of himself, and look!!!"
So we did, and we stood there for five minutes with our mouths open going "how the fuck...?"
What was your introduction to the internet meme that most makes you want to take out your eyes and wash them? (Doesn't have to be Goatse, could be Hiroshimarse or any number of other worthy candidates...)
(, Thu 10 May 2007, 15:55, Reply)
Drunken texts and phone callsWe've all done it. Sometimes the combination of alcohol (or other things) plus something eating us up inside and a handy mobile phone is a bad mix. What's the worst thing you've text or said in a drunken phone call?
For me, it was calling my Mum to say I was stoned and my ex texting You were a fucking cunt to me at 3am two years after our break up.
What's yours?
(, Sun 6 May 2007, 19:52, Reply)
Reading things wrongI've got a habit of doing this. One of the latest was reading my fag packet:
"Smoking seriously harms you and others around you."
My first thought was, so smoking stupidly is ok? Cue me running round like a loonie making chirping noises whilst I smoke.
Maybe I'm just a fuckwit...
(, Sat 5 May 2007, 13:28, Reply)
Teaching a lesson, harshI lived in a house with two students, and it was all the same; whenever it was near to paytime, my milk *and only this* would disappear.
Thing is, I really liked the housemates, we had a good laugh. One was called John, lovely bloke, allergic to nuts though, which was a bastard because I loved them. Other one was called Ste.
Anyway, it was payday, and John offered to make a cup of tea. In he brings it, and we all drink.
Soon after, John starts swelling up.
ME: *Runs, administers epi-pen, explains he's going into anaphalactic shock.
HIM: How do you know?
ME: I put almond oil in my milk.
What have you done to teach somebody a lesson?
(
Methylene Blue - electrohead, Thu 19 Apr 2007, 16:04,
Reply)
first post! my suggestion? things you've brought home pissed...Heres a few of my favourites:
Steering Wheel Of A Car (strange because I got a taxi home)
A Road Sign (one of those workman with a shovel but looks like they putting an umbrella up instead)
Not Me, But I Remember Seeing Somebody Carrying Home A "Garlands Made Me Do It" Sign... Anyone Ferom My Native Town Will Find That Funny
A Variety Of Great Looking Women ('Till I Sobered Up Of Course)
Office Equipment Down My Pants Tha I Nicked After A Office Party At My Work
A Ripped Up Jason Donavon Picture (Whilst Singing Kylie, Obviously)
No apolgies for length... the stapler made my cock look massive!
(, Wed 18 Apr 2007, 19:48, Reply)
Forrest Gumping itHave you ever been part of history without realising?
I haven't.
But one of you lot must have.
(
ArthurTheRat, Tue 17 Apr 2007, 18:18,
Reply)
Thisngs to do before you're 30As it's coming up to my 29th birthday, I thought it would be a good idea to compile a list of things to do before I'm 30.
Suggestions gratefully received.
(, Thu 29 Mar 2007, 15:34, Reply)
Bad EnglishWe know it's not politically correct, but what hilarious language-based misdemeanours have you been party to?
I used to have a Spanish flatmate who told me that when she was little she used to read books about "Whinnie the Shit"
(, Mon 26 Mar 2007, 10:58, Reply)
what about an entire week ofcomplaining about / defending me?
That's what every QOTW seems to turn into anyway.
(, Wed 21 Mar 2007, 18:02, Reply)
what makes you angry?what really really winds you up? i think this would be a great qotw and my suggestions have never been taken up yet and i donated and everything...
no, that isn't my answer to my own question, i have much better stuff than that! thanks for reading...
(
rachelswipe with a fork, Sat 17 Mar 2007, 20:47,
Reply)
first impressionsI was out on the lash with some friends one night and we were making our way to a club. They went on ahead while I stopped to get some cash, and when I caught up with them outside the club I saw them chatting to my mate Paul. Being in a bit of a state I ran up to him, picked him up and carried him around for a bit...you know, friendly like. After a while I decided I should say hello properly, so I put him down, looked at him...
...and that was the first time I met Paul's brother Steven.
What's the worst first impression you've made?
(
yes yes yes man oi mate, someone's writtten 'bum' on your neck, Thu 15 Mar 2007, 16:22,
Reply)
Racist parents/grandparents etc...I have very racist parents. I wanna know if anyone else does.
(
B.T., Sat 10 Mar 2007, 18:21,
Reply)
Best childhood mischiefMe and my friend, we were about 14, used to go around playing knock-a-door-run. only our game had a twist:
*BAM BAM BAM*
"Dis is da POOOOOOOOOOLIIIICEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
and then we promptly legged it.
we were never caught, only because we were on bicycles!!!!
hahahaaaaaa.....
what stuff did you get upto as a wee'en?
(, Mon 5 Mar 2007, 15:23, Reply)
Worst party ever...What's the worst party you've ever been to. Is it one you hosted, did you go to a friend's and everyone else was a dick, or did no one turn up at all?
My worst answers the latter description:
I had met my friends at the monymusk arms, aberdeenshire, miles from anywhere (they were working in a castle at the time - Scotland is like that). The three of us were all young 18y/o at the time. We decided to try every whisky on the back bar and this being rural scotland there was plenty to sample.
The night dragged on and we got steadily more pissed.
I need to mention my 2 friends both had their bicycles with them.
We had to get back to Kemnay over 4miles away. My friend being a bright spark (albeit a pissed bright spark) said he knew a short cut.
Out of blind faith and the need to get fergus back home (he was falling asleep - bless him) we decided to take it.
A very wavery mile later we hear music coming from a local forest. We start shout in the general direction of the tunes to make contact with late night revelers, we do this for ten minutes to no avail. On leaving the pub we got some whisky and we advertised this to wet their appetite to invite us over.
Still no reply.
I head over to investigate further. I walk through gorse bush (that's spikey bushes to city slickers) and cut my self to ribbons. I come across a chicken wire fence, trying to climb over it proved difficult because it was so weak, so I tore it up from the ground. I head over further and I see a light and still no people. All that's there is a bucket and tiny courogated iron structures that look like mini bomb shelters. I shout around for longer and still no reply.
I eventually found the radio making the music and nick it to keep us company for the rest of the journey.
When I got back to my friends I thought that we had attended some sort of ghost party... spooky.
We later dumped the bikes in a field and got a taxi.
The next morning I went to collect the bikes (Scotland's like that). Still curious about spooky ghost party I had attended we drove further along the lane to find out what it was.
The people I had been offering my whisky to, and believed I had the possibility of a shag with, was a phesant farm.
Appartently they have radios to keep them entertained.
The break in was covered in the local press and it recorded the theft of the radio at the phesant farm (Scotland's like that)
Sorry about the length, but I'm sure you could write something better.
(If you say "i like this" I'll donnate a thousand pounds to a kitten charity)
(, Wed 28 Feb 2007, 13:52, Reply)
Wingman talesHave you ever been such good mates with someone that you taken one for the team and copped off with the Igor Man Hands hippo/swamp donkey/she man-pig thing so your bestest pal in the whole world can get off with her hot mate?
I certainly haven't but rumour has it fat chicks try harder...
Tell us about your Wingman(or woman) tales of woe and sadness or of the great debt you owe to someone.
(, Wed 14 Feb 2007, 16:22, Reply)
Oddest dreamsThe other night had a really odd dream, I won't recount the full story as none of you would know the people I was talking about. Anyway, it culminated in me sitting on the roof of my car holding an enormous pair of scissors. The next thing I know i'm running down the road with aforementioned scissors being chased by two grizzly bears. I can hear voices shouting 'STAB IT IN THE EYES WITH YOUR SCISSORS' then I turn round and the bear is right behind me, at which point I woke up sitting bolt upright holding the (now imaginary) scissors screaming at the top of my voice.
What other freaky dreams have you all had?
(My brother once had a dream where Danni Minogue was projectile vomitting whipped cream and giant foam shapes out of her mouth...)
(
HoratioFellatio Taking the the out of psychotherapist, Sun 11 Feb 2007, 19:32,
Reply)
boner. yea you heard me, HARD-ON..... STIFFY BONERY COCKwhere is the most innapropriate place where you have unexpectedly become the owner of a big fat boner......
mine was during a medical examination with a old male doctor while i was stood in my pants, age 16. i dont know who felt more uncomfortable. please ask this as your QOTW!!!!
(, Mon 5 Feb 2007, 22:22, Reply)
Found anything great?A somewhat naive friend last night announced if she found $1000 on the street she'd hand it in to the police immediately. Hours later when we'd stopped laughing in her face I wondered what's the best thing any B3tard's ever found... and did they keep it?
(
difficultchild, Fri 2 Feb 2007, 1:15,
Reply)
americanslooking back at previous QOTWs the theme of stupid yanks never fails to ticckle me...
so yeah...
...americans...
need i say more?
(, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 10:06, Reply)
Typical StudentsWhen my university friend went home at the end of term, he left his door unlocked. We proceeded to put all of his stuff (including his bed) in his bathroom. I think this was a reasonable move and was expected of us as students.
What have you done as a student that epitomises university life?
(, Mon 29 Jan 2007, 0:11, Reply)
The Biggest Bollocking You've ever received...I once was a land surveyor - doing a survey of the runway at RAF Cottesmore. Italian and German pilots were doing bump and runs in Tornedo jets. I was walking up the side of the runway logging details of the light fittings. On the other side of the runway i see a green light that i haven't picked up. I now either walk 2 miles up the runway and down the other side or 20 metres across. Well, a jet had just landed and taken off again and i knew there wouldn't be another for about ten minutes. i only need a minute of that ten and was sure air traffic control could see what i was doing. I even give the tower a look and a wave. Feeling good, i leg it across, measure the damn light and run back. Though time i turned to run two jeeps had squealed to a stop, a load of soldiers jump out and throw me in the back. Drag me up the stairs (i could have walked but they were insistent upon dragging.. or pushing) where i got my biggest bollocking by the base commander (or whatever), he was a she so i didn't really listen. nice uniform though.
My boss apologised for me not having proper site training and i'm let off with a warning.
Two days later and i'm doing 85mph in reverse up the runway in the company car.. four years before i passed my test.
(, Wed 24 Jan 2007, 15:25, Reply)
How about...1. Oddest courier/postworker/public service official you've ever encountered.
2. Tales of teenage acne.
3. Most unnerving sexual experience you've ever had (frankspencer will have some gems to share here)
4. Most psychotic teacher at your school
5. Weirdest imagery you've ever masturbated over.
6. Worst/most amusing visit to the doctor/hospital you've ever had.
(, Wed 24 Jan 2007, 12:23, Reply)
Say you had the chance to talk to the 10 years old yourself from years agoWhat would the adult you tell the child version of yourself?
(, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 18:38, Reply)
SecretsEveryone needs a confidant, so friends/family/workmates and neighbours will inevitably tell you big bad hairy secrets.
What's the biggest secret you know?
Personally, I only know crap secrets, like people at work who have slept with the boss (there are lots of them, she's a bit of a slut).
(, Sun 31 Dec 2006, 12:51, Reply)
Psychotic IntroductionsWhat are your experiences of scary people coming up to you in the street? What did they say? How did you difuse the situation?
My own favourites include the man with a scarred head who claimed to know me and who followed me around a Bradford branch of Wilkinsons (I escaped from him by going up to a hard looking man and explaining the situation, asking him to pretend to know me until the scary one went away), and a man in Leeds who I walked past as he was hitting a lamppost who decided to walk home with me telling me how he bases himself on a character in the film The Football Factory and who told me how he loves fooball violence and "I hate pakkis and first year students". He was a second year student. I simply ran away when he went for a piss.
Best of all was the man in Doncaster who was going to kill me because "You're Kurdish, aren't you. You fucking are".
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monkeon schmonkeon, Wed 13 Dec 2006, 9:33,
Reply)
My girl, my girl, don't lie to me.Tell me where did you sleep last night?
Best places you've fallen asleep.
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Malchick, Sun 10 Dec 2006, 11:10,
Reply)
Irrational FearsNow, I want no 'I am scared of spiders' type stories here. If you are have any normal -phobia, this question is not for you
I want to know your genuinely irrational, probably undefinable fears.
I am scared of things that should be in proportional size, but aren't.
Examples: I am scared of ever having to hold a normal size tennis racket but use it to hit a football sized tennis ball that is flying towards me.
I am also scared of having to use scaletrix to park a tiny car on a normal size road.
The new Guiness Advert with the little guy in the fridge who is like an eighth of the size of the pint of he is pouring? Yup, that freaks me out.
And the 'Honey I shrunk The Kids' show at Disneyland Paris...well, i had to leave before it finished. and I only even tried to see it in the first place because my Girlfriend convinced me it was a waste of money if I didn't go to every main show. I have never even being willing to try to watch the actual film, I imagine it to be worse than The Exorcist.
Any other B3tards have irrational fears that have no names?
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scarpe We Stole Bikes, Sat 2 Dec 2006, 3:26,
Reply)
cristmass is commingthe goose is getting fat, and uncle nob-head is comming round with a wiskey monkey on his back and a relasionship/work/money/life problems chip on his sholder.
I want to know, which drunken twunts have ruined your family get togethers and how they did it?. tales of cristmass past and your predictions for this comming cristmass.
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willenium Fist bump for verification, Thu 30 Nov 2006, 14:39,
Reply)
Birth StoriesTraditionally, the male of the spiecies used to pace up and down outside a delivery room, waiting for news.
Nowadays we're subjected to pre-natal, anti-natal, yoga, aromatherpy, wellbeing classes, AND while being expected to be in the room when your firstborn arrives, screaming and covered in goo (or something).
While the woman might be doing all the work, we're usually the ones who have to put up with everything thrown at us (literally) and we're expected to remember every detail while the Mrs is off her face on pain meds. What made the arrival of your kids memorable?
Bonus points awarded for embarrassing anecdotes to be used when they get married in 20 years time...
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HSDriver was probably still at work on, Sun 26 Nov 2006, 16:27,
Reply)
So close...I once ran a marathon through swindon- for cancer i believe. When I was about 15 metres from the finish, an obese man waddled past me and tripped me up, breaking my leg. I dislocated my knee cap, and was taken away in an ambulence.
Have you ever been this close?
(, Sun 19 Nov 2006, 20:26, Reply)
This year I broke my fucking neckby falling through a roof. So, I want to know, what has everyone else broken, how they did it, how long it took to fix and if it hurt.
Bonus points if you really MANGLED yourself, naturally.
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dotmund .co.uk, Mon 6 Nov 2006, 14:46,
Reply)
Horrible Naughty Bits doctor storiesYeah, horrible gynaecologist/urologist stories from everyone? I bet people have lots of terrifying stories... I bloody well do...
(, Sat 4 Nov 2006, 2:46, Reply)
Tales of pomposityI used to work in a rather rural german bank.
They named their meeting rooms after financial centres so they could say "I'm going to Tokyo now", "Sorry, he's in New York at the moment" and hence feel more imprtant.
What tales of pomposity do you have?
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bierbelly, Fri 3 Nov 2006, 16:15,
Reply)
The Moment you knew the jig was upIt was such a well planned lie, where did it go wrong? In its conceptual stages you never pictured yourself standing where you are now.
When was the exact second that your complexly woven narrative suddenly collapsed and there was absolutely no escape hatch. Was it when your wife came home early and saw you wearing her favourite dress? Perhaps it was when your mum caught you "cleaning it", b3tans, reveal all, its too late now to hide it anyway.
(, Thu 2 Nov 2006, 14:52, Reply)
How about, as a break from the made up stories, we use the QOTW to come up with ideas?I suggest: "What methods could we use to reduce n00b flaming?" I envisage thousands of genuine good ideas like this:
"I propose that during their first month of posting everybody else has the ability to edit their posts.
Surely this would reduce any antagonism they may otherwise be subject to.
I for one would not alter all their posts to sweary admissions of increasingly sickening perversions."
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baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Mon 30 Oct 2006, 14:39,
Reply)
Question of the weekWhen you were a child what did you want to be when you grew up? and what did you actually end up doing?
(, Wed 11 Oct 2006, 18:20, Reply)
Weird preferencesI'm not sure if this is more common than I realise or if I seriously need psychiatric help, but I eat M&Ms in an order to make sure that the green and blue ones get left until last. I don't care what people say, they *do* taste better.
Are there any weird things you feel you need to do to enjoy something properly?
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shovelboy This is bad - Two minutes to Belgium, Wed 4 Oct 2006, 0:59,
Reply)
drunk flashbacksthis morning i woke up with a light head and a series of strange flashbacks, the weirdest one was being accosted for money in the middle of the road outside an esso by a skinny tenager with a kitten in his coat. who wanted 30p for the cat.
not to buy the cat you understand, he just wanted money because he owned a cat. i gave it to him and petted the cat, I also rember i said something witty and approprate, along the lines of "heyy itss a fuckkin' cat!, woo and yay have 35p i like cats"
whats your best flashback after a drunken night out?
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willenium Fist bump for verification, Sat 30 Sep 2006, 19:53,
Reply)
The End Of The World Is Nigh - What Would YOU Do?As you are reading this message, a newsflash on your radio/telly announces that Word War III has started. It's no joke, thermo-nuclear missiles are in flight, and will land on your town/city in 4 minutes. There's nothing you can do except wait to die. How do you spend your last few minutes? And what the fuck does 'nigh' mean anyway?
Personally, I'd try and phone my family, then boil an egg.
(, Sun 17 Sep 2006, 1:12, Reply)
Dodgy neighbours!Everyone's had them. And if not, then you will.
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KersaI Missive Free Michael Shields! with Monday's Liverpool Echo, Thu 7 Sep 2006, 3:16,
Reply)
When the teachers away.....Everyone knows that as soon as the teacher leaves a room the most horrific events take place.
Whilst teaching in Thailand one day I arrived late to a lesson and discovered all the boys were missing. Adding to the confusion everytime I asked "where are boys" in my best pigeon thai the girls simply pointed out the windows.
On closer inspection I discovered the boys had run away into the paddy fields (think half a foot of thick shoe stealing mud and half a foot of water). I then had to roll up my trousers and chase 20screaming muddy boys out of said field.
After finally getting everyone back to school and washed everyones very muddy feet the class finally settled. Seconds later there was screaming from all of the girls who ran as fast as they could of the class room. Turns out the boys had unleased a tide of frogs of biblical proportions (collected from the paddy fields).
Eventually I found some brooms and set about clearing the class room of frogs, by the time the room was frog free and everyone sat down the bell went and they ran off giggling back into the fields as school was over.
This is my story but Im sure you will have many from both the teacher and pupil sides of the conflict.
(, Sat 2 Sep 2006, 14:43, Reply)
Dump storiesI frequently help my dad out at the dump as he (after much persuasion) throws out completely pointless shite that he's been hanging onto for years. The strange thing is that half the time someone there goes "You're not throwing that out, are you?" and buys the worthless piece of crap off us for a whole lot of money. We recently sold an old car battery (the acid in which had destroyed several umbrellas in his boot) for €50. Lord knows why. I find the dump to be a bizarre place and have had the shite scared out of me there on several occasions
(, Sun 27 Aug 2006, 17:49, Reply)
Overgrown kidsI made a tent out of chairs and a blanket in my garden last night. I'm 29. My mate who is married with a kid regularly rings his neighbours doorbells when he's drunk and then runs away. He is also a bank manager. Has anyone else done something for fun as an adult that only kids normally do?
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Normanator Bad case of trapped wind since, Sat 5 Aug 2006, 19:10,
Reply)
Secret Acts of Kindess.What anonymous acts of kindess have you ever done?
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Boondocks, YEAH! has a massive penis. Everyone is scared., Wed 2 Aug 2006, 13:56,
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NEMESIS! Who is your nemesis, and why?Sadly I don't currently have a nemesis, but when I was at School there was this kid called Scot who was.
I remember challenging him to a 1 on 1 game of footy at lunchtime, which half of our year turned out to watch to prove who was the best player in year 4. Only he picked the better keeper to play in net for him, so he won (frankly he was better, I just woudn't admit it at the time). I got him back tho, with an overarm smash whilst playing badminton which cunningly missed the shuttlecock and left him with an inch long gash down the bridge of his nose :)
Tell us your nemesis stories. Extra points for not including beer, sex or shit in your posts..
(, Mon 31 Jul 2006, 13:43, Reply)
Clever ways of stealingI used to work in a camping store in Dublin that had a sister branch 10 mins walk from the store I worked in. Every couple of days I would have to walk with a rucksack full of stock between the two stores. Despite the rucksack normally weighing a ton, this task was rather profitable for me because I had a friend who worked inbetween the two stores so I would always load some extra items and deposit the extra items with said friend who would fence them on for me!
Despite the shit wages, it proved to be a very lucrative summer! What's the cleverest work stealing antics you've enjoyed?
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sneep used to date Freddie Starr's hamster, Thu 27 Jul 2006, 9:56,
Reply)
Shit Stories The Sequel!It's time we had a sequel to that most awesome of chapters. We've had two law ones, two fire ones...so why not a shitty one eh?
(, Thu 20 Jul 2006, 23:34, Reply)
Bullshitters...There are some people at work who always have an story for everything. "Oh you went to egypt on holiday, Well a few years back I was asked by the local SAS regiment... blah blah blah"
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wierdo was bored @, Thu 20 Jul 2006, 15:07,
Reply)
QOTW is very work oriented just now.Let's talk about fun.
What brings you as much joy as piercing the foil on a jar of instant coffee?
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The Lurker Plenty One, Fri 7 Jul 2006, 3:25,
Reply)
Best Euphamisms...Like,people who call a fart a fluff. There is fuck all fluffy about a fart. Its just odd. Spider bark is my favorite one though! Also,trouser snake is a funny word!
(, Tue 13 Jun 2006, 17:39, Reply)
eBayWe've all done it - what's your most random ebay purchase? Were you drunk? Did you realise within a nanosecond of winning the bid that you really didn't need it?
I've sold about 20 things on eBay that I bought and realised I didn't want or need....
(, Thu 8 Jun 2006, 13:37, Reply)
Impressive Blags?I have blagged my way in to various parties over the last couple of years, scoring free champagne, free meals, all night table service and meeting the rich and famous, including getting my grubby mitts on the FA Cup. I'm lucky enough to have never been caught. What have you blagged and got away with, or has it ended in disaster??
(, Thu 1 Jun 2006, 17:37, Reply)
Flatmate stories - oh yes!I had a totally bizarre lodger for a couple of years, and he would be a very rich mine for the comedy flatmate tale. He eventually moved out when I woke him up at four in the morning and threatened to skullfusk him him if he didn't get his nose lasered and stop snorring. I'm betting y'all got simialr tales of strange and sad individuals, and I'd like to hear some to put my own trials in perspective.
BTW: I was quite prepared to do the laser work myself, though with a homemade weapon of my own devising. Strangely he chose to move out three days later. Musta bin something I said.
(, Wed 17 May 2006, 21:22, Reply)
Cheesiest and Greatest Of LinesI've seen countless films and there are some lines that I just find totally "cheesy", for example:
"I'm king of the world" - Titanic
There are some films that are packed with great lines and my favourite is:
"Why don't you try sticking your head up your ass, see if it fits" - ScarFace
What are yours?
(, Mon 15 May 2006, 16:58, Reply)
Strange habitsLet's be honest, we've all got our own little quirks and habits. But some are stranger than the rest....
I know someone who collects sugar. Sugar. In those little sachets. From all over the world. Sugar. The mind boggles.
Or take my brother, who used to twiddle his hair until a few strands would fall out. He'd then roll them into a ball and..... wait for it...... whack it into his nostril!? WTF? What could he possibly have got out of that experience?
What strange and lurid habits do you and your friends engage in? There's nowt as queer as folk they say. I'm thinking we could even make a book on this one.....
(, Fri 12 May 2006, 11:55, Reply)
ExplosionsEver made anything explode? I've got a great video of a petrol filled bin going pop in my back garden.
(, Sun 30 Apr 2006, 21:03, Reply)
QOTW?What is your ex's biggest secret?
My ex used to suck her thumb. She was 31 at the time. And did it quite often. Not sure what that says about me.
(, Wed 19 Apr 2006, 12:44, Reply)
How about "Best Excuse Ever" ?At one place I used to work a manager type there once told
me of the best excuse he had ever heard...
He, being boss-type person received this phone call one Monday
morning from an employee of his (who happened to be in his
mid-to-late 30's - this is relevant, by the way):
Employee: "Hi - er, listen, I can't come in to work today"
Manager: "why not ?"
Employee: "I'm in bed with a girl half my age"
Manager: "fair enough. See you later in the week then."
Manager-type-friend said he really couldn't argue with that.
So, how about the best excuse you've ever heard or given ... ?
(, Wed 12 Apr 2006, 13:25, Reply)
One for the fools...I seriously think that Best (and worst?) April Fool's Day prank, or just prank alone, is a kickass idea. Who's with me?!!?!?!!
(, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 5:44, Reply)
Childhood MisunderstandingsWhat were your most embarrassing misunderstandings as a child? By this I mean, when you thought certain words were completely innocent, so you used them in your speech...and suddenly, all the adults in the room froze in horror.
I, for one, thought that when people were horny, they were acting like rhinos. And I thought "doggy style" could refer to anything done by a dog, so when little Fluffy from next door started digging under the fence, I hollered, "Look, she's doing it doggy style!" for several people to hear. Or when I thought that being a virgin meant something bad, so I told people I wasn't (I was eight).
Ah shite, I just answered my own question...
EDIT: And though I wasn't a child when it happened, I used to think "n00b" was short for "Nubian" and meant as an insult to Black people.
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KersaI Missive Free Michael Shields! with Monday's Liverpool Echo, Wed 5 Apr 2006, 2:21,
Reply)
April Fools' DayPerhaps this has already been suggested but given the time of year and since it's never been a QOW, the question could be:
What is your greatest April Fools' Day memory?
What tricks, successful or failed, have emanated from the warped neural paths of B3tans?
(, Fri 31 Mar 2006, 1:43, Reply)
why did b3tans choose their usernames?mine came from someone asking what an FP was and i provided a list of possible answers to the acronym, including Fudgy Poker, Flapping Penguin, and Figurative Pineapple. The name grew from there to have more meaning personally. And now I use it in everyday life as a pseudonym. So where did yours come from?
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mrlogic is copying your beard, Wed 29 Mar 2006, 18:36,
Reply)
What Notable Strange Dream Have You Had?And not those occasional, symbolic, aquatic dreams that only signify you have to pee. Have you ever predicted the future, or solved a puzzle, or had an out-of-body experience?
Ever since I was a child, I've dreamt of being carried safely in the womb of Diesel locomotives.....
(, Sat 25 Mar 2006, 4:34, Reply)
Encounters with drunk trampsThe other day I was walking through my town, as you do when my music was interrupted by shouting on the street. Pausing it and looking around for the source of the noise, I saw on the opposite side of the road, three drunken tramps. The leader, who looked the most piratey of the three, was shouting, not just randomly, but at me. He was preaching, calling me the Devil Reborn, and it lasted about a minute before I was too far away to hear him any more.
There MUST be some people who've had funny encounters with drunk tramps.
(, Thu 23 Mar 2006, 18:56, Reply)
MistranslantionsWhilst on a business trip in Hong Kong, my dad and some collegues were in a restuarant. As the waitress served their food, the collegues said "Um gai" (I don't know the spellling, but that's how it's said) meaning "Thank You."
My dad, trying to be clever with his Mantanese, planned to say "Thank you very much." So the waitress gave him his plate and he said "Um gai hai." The waitress blushed and the restuarant laughed.
Later, my dad's collegues explained to him that he just said to the waitress, "thank you fat cunt."
What are your stories of foreign language fuck-ups?
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Edd: The Unfunny Try-Hard Edgelord, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 13:52,
Reply)
worst thing you've ever done to a teacheroh i was a master at making teachers' lives hell. we thought our french teacher killed heself with the guillotine (dunno if i spelt that right!) at the back of the class we were so bad. twas funny.
(, Thu 16 Mar 2006, 14:34, Reply)
QOTWWhen I was about 13, I got pinched for throwing snowballs at cars and the cop brought me home. My mother made me read The Scarlet Letter (ugh!) and to prove I did it, I had to write her a report. What weird and/or sadistic punishments did your parents dole out?
(, Thu 16 Mar 2006, 0:37, Reply)
Places you have knocked one out.This is a game started by a mate years ago.
Since its birth i have managed many interesting places. I'll enlighten you all if you choose this qotw.
Where was your most adventurous wank?
(, Wed 15 Feb 2006, 13:34, Reply)
SecretsI think I should find another job.
We had a "team building" day yesterday as we have had a new starter (Head of Legal UK) whose management skills are more akin to those found in a Primary School playground than those that should be in evidence in a mature organisation. An event of utter pointlessness made only partially bearable by making mischief.
At one point, shortly before it all ended in acrimony, we were told to write a secret about ourselves and put it in a hat. The organiser was to then extract the secret and we all had to work out whose secret it was.
I must say I was utterly honest (for a change) and wrote my secret on my card and put it into the hat. As you know I don't have a great deal of imagination so my secret was very obvious.
I had no idea that, distracted by her slight manliness appearance, her obsession with her femininity and her coltish flirtation so many people would guess that my secret was actually the secret of the new Head of Legal UK.
After all, I really was born a man and have a beard to prove it.
I really don't think that these team building exercises are a good idea at all.
What secrets do you have?
(, Thu 9 Feb 2006, 7:56, Reply)
BetsWhat is the strangest/weirdest/grossest thing you have done for a bet?
(, Fri 3 Feb 2006, 18:23, Reply)
Jammiest bastardwho is the jammiest bastard you know?
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willenium Fist bump for verification, Fri 3 Feb 2006, 12:37,
Reply)
The cruellest nicknames you gave people at work or school.and why.
and did you call them that to their face or not?
what happened when they found out what you called them?
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Roland E O'Dorant R Tape loading error, 0:1, Tue 31 Jan 2006, 20:17,
Reply)
Job interviews.What's the oddest/shortest/all-time worst job interview you've ever had?
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Edd: The Unfunny Try-Hard Edgelord, Tue 31 Jan 2006, 8:02,
Reply)
my PC gave away my secretsSomeone on the board mentioned that he's wondering if his brother is gay because of all the cock porn he found in his cache.
I found my wife was pregnant when the google autocomplete gave me 'symptoms of pregnancy'
Has your googling been your undoing? Have your bookmarks revealed all? Trained researchers are waiting for your call etc etc.
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rob, Fri 20 Jan 2006, 17:30,
Reply)
My Best ScamBack in the good ol' days of the BBC Micro and ZX Spectrum 48K ... I used to swap masses of pirated (I mean ... off-site backups of) software I used to get for free - with mates of mine for their hard earned cash - with HILARIOUS consequences.
What was YOUR best scam?
(, Mon 5 Dec 2005, 20:18, Reply)
How stupid are you?A few nights ago while i was drunk to within an inch of my life i decided to apply some vaseline to my badly chapped lips. Except i accidentally applied a liberal coating of Tiger Balm.
What's the spackiest thing you've done lately?
(, Wed 30 Nov 2005, 16:00, Reply)
As its approaching the 12th month..........maybe ask a "What have you learnt in 2005?" QotW.
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-:Coop:-, Mon 28 Nov 2005, 12:26,
Reply)
My QOTWSomething along the lines of "what I found when I was snooping through my parents and or bosses drawers"
(, Mon 28 Nov 2005, 11:01, Reply)
Office pranks, c'mon, you know you want to.Leave a post it for a colleague asking them to call 0117 974 7399 (Bristol Zoo) as Albert Ross left a message. This worked brilliantly on a guy in our office who said "Do you have an Albert Ross working there" (If you haven't got it yet, read the name out loud)
Swapping the M and N keys on a keyboard is another fav, as well as selotaping down the switch that the receiver sits on so the phone doesn't stop ringing when you pick it up.
What are your favorate pranks/japes?
(, Fri 4 Nov 2005, 12:00, Reply)
abuse of power.one of my responsibilties when working temp at a market research agency was to read surveys and send out samples of chewing gum, after reading a survey filled out by a particularly snooty bitch, in which she accused chewing gum of being common, lower class and 'making one look like a cow' i sent her 120 sample cases labeled "the bovine residence".
have you ever abused your power at work or otherwise?
bonus points for pettiness.
(, Thu 3 Nov 2005, 2:47, Reply)
Thats not going in my mouthWhen i was a student i bought the cheapest and nastiest ecomony burgers from the market. When cooked they were a pale shade of orange. It got to my lips, i bit, i certainly didnt swallow though instead i opened the window and spat it out flinging the rest of the burger after it. Whats the worst thing that you've put in your mouth?
(, Fri 28 Oct 2005, 13:02, Reply)
One for the ladies. What do you look for in a man?Right, cards on the table, I haven't a bloody clue. Help out us poor baffled chaps.
What do you look for in a man?
(, Tue 25 Oct 2005, 23:12, Reply)
work pranksThe best prank we pulled of on a newbie was when i worked in a supermarket deli. The numbers that flash above the counter are controlled by a button, but there is also a little-used remote. On this guys first day we told his that the button was very sensitive. When we walked up and down, everything was fine, numbers changed as buttons pressed. Every time he moved an inch, the numbers started whizzing round. We convinced him that it was his watch setting it off, which he removed. Followed by his jewellery (maybe its the metal?) and finallly - the piece de resistance - his shoes. The poor boy tiptoed back and forth in meat scraps for at least an hour before we took pity!!
(, Tue 25 Oct 2005, 21:02, Reply)
Weird DreamsI just had my weirdest dream in a while. I was Frasier (from the eponymous TV program, natch) and had got really mad at Eddie (the dog) and had shouted at him for a while. Eddie ran away and I was overcome with guilt so I went to find him (in an underground car park of course). I found him and picked him up and was just beginning to apologise when a gigantic fire breathing bull stepped out of the shadows and started chasing me.
I ran for ages, carrying this dog to which I was constantly apologising, until it cornered us and I woke up mildly bemused.
I've seen Frasier all of once and that was a couple of years ago so where the fuck did that come from?
I need other people's stories to make me seem a little less mad please.
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Gleeballs is mostly made out of chocolate and hate., Tue 18 Oct 2005, 14:53,
Reply)
Crossing overProbably bindun:
If you were the opposite sexual orientation of what you already are, who would you do?
Sorry bi's, I guess it'd have to "no soup for you!"
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setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Tue 11 Oct 2005, 16:59,
Reply)
How youve changed someones life foreverConveretd someone? Saved/killed anyone? Changed peoples lives in any way?
In my last year of primary school I was sorta top (basically I hardly did anthing as I had done it already) so I used to act as messenger to another teacher I believed my teacher would really get along with so I send down chocolate fingers too (my teacher was an extreem anorexic chocoholic). Soon i was being sent just to say my finnu jokes or anuthing silly with stuff including love notes.
They eventually started an after school at class which I went to and started dating.
Aparrently after i moved away the married and moved to Austria. Good luck MiSs loans, Mr Couch!
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Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Mon 10 Oct 2005, 18:00,
Reply)
I collect X-rays of my own skull.I have four of them and a very mis-aligned jaw which shows up quite clearly. They're going to make a great lampshade one day.
One of my mates collects animal bones,which he displays around his house(he says it's because he's a biologist) and another one is slowly filling a wall with random scraps of fabric she finds.
What odd things do you collect and what do you do with them,if anything?
(, Thu 6 Oct 2005, 20:06, Reply)
What;'s happened to QOTW?Is it just on a brief hiatus, or is it gone for good? I sincerely hope with every fibre of my addicted being that this is all some sort of mistake and question of the week will be promptly restored to me and other people like me. For that eventuality, my question suggestion is a nice open ended one: what's the most trouble you've ever been in and why?
I'll save my own story in case this does become question of the week (though even if it doesn't, please in the name of everything you count as holy ask something), but as an example I'll tell you the story of a sadly non-b3tan friend. He once sent a joke death threat, written on tracing paper, to a girl in the juiniour school picked fairly at random, and signed it from the deeply unpopular head of the juniour school. It went something like:
Dear Alice,
I know where you live. Grr, Grr, Grr.
All my love, Mrs Griffith.
Obviously this was not meant to be taken seriously, but he probably realised that the excrement had hit the air-circulating device when he was called to the senior masters office only to be confronted with said master looking enraged and holding a somewhat bedraggled piece of tracing paper. Apparantely it had caused the girl a great deal of mental trauma.
(, Thu 6 Oct 2005, 17:35, Reply)
Full storiesTonight, my friend Ben and I were walking home from a house party at 3 in the morning. Passing a house, we heard an unearthly scream. Conversation immediately ceased as we turned towards the source of the sound. A voice came from the house:
"OH MY GOD! I've just burned my cock on the hob!"
What witnessed events would you like to know the full story of?
(, Sun 11 Sep 2005, 3:22, Reply)
Exploitations of gullibiltyI only suggest this because of a particularly good story of my own. The long and short of it is, a friend and I convinced another guy (fully 17 years old) that we were drug dealers, and we managed to persuade him to make a London-Manchester round trip to make a 'pick-up'. With no pay. Full details of further exploits with this pathetic specimen to follow, provided this is QOTW
(, Thu 18 Aug 2005, 17:00, Reply)
Cats!Everyone loves hearing about cats. Tell us about your cats (or if you don't own one then cats you've encountered)
Pleease
(, Sat 6 Aug 2005, 20:10, Reply)
What advice would you give to the opposite sex?Like watch your fucking teeth when giving a blowjob bitch
And for fucks sake, wash your minge. I might like seafood but not during sex. Oysters are an aphrodisiac, rotting kippers aren't.
Could be a good question to spark up a battle of the sexes
(
Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 4 Aug 2005, 9:39,
Reply)
QOTWWhat one thing never fails to make you laugh no matter what mood you're in?
Be it dressing as a Pirate, people being careless or just ugly people in general. Lets all share and laugh together.
(, Fri 22 Jul 2005, 16:39, Reply)
Roomates from HellWhether at uni, renting out your home, or sharing a condo, everyone has one of those roomates that make you regret not being Jeffery Dahlmer. Share your story.
(, Thu 21 Jul 2005, 21:51, Reply)
I am so ashamedWhat have you done in your life that you are most ashamed of?
I once made friends with a stray dog, led it to a block of flats, made a fuss of it in the lift while a mate went and found a friendly cat. Stepped out of the lift leaving the dog in there, just as the doors were closing threw the cat in after it.
(, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 13:49, Reply)
Secret clubs!Were you ever in a secret club as a child? Any iniatiation rituals you had to go through?
At primary school, to impress an elder group of girls so we'd be allowed to play with them, I along with two other girls let them squirt ribena on our bare bottoms. I was also the leader of the subtley named "Secret club". We had matching rings and everything! In spite of the club only consisting of me, my brothers and my three cousins, we felt the need to have a password just incase we developed severe amnesia and forgot who was in the club. The password was to whisper (again, imaginatively) "Shhh! Secret Club!"
(, Tue 12 Jul 2005, 0:44, Reply)
may have been suggested beforebut ties in nicely with poached egg feature: Culinary Disasters.
Mine includes a (chef) housemate, whose idea of a treat was a microwaved Farmfoods economy burger sandwich.
Blurrrrgh!
(, Tue 5 Jul 2005, 0:27, Reply)
Cute things kids sayApparently, aged about 3, i piped up loudly in church with "Mummy, why is that man talking to a duck?" as the reader started his spiel behind a large sculpture of an eagle.
In the style of countless naff, but secretly very funny, ITV filler guff, what is the cutest thing that you've said as a young'un?
(, Tue 28 Jun 2005, 0:10, Reply)
What is the worst situation a piece of clothing has got you into?Mine was boxer shorts caught round a door handle. They ripped right off. Bloody embarrising.
Nearly strangled yourself with a G-string? Do tell...
(, Mon 20 Jun 2005, 21:11, Reply)
Day TripperMost insane events that ever happened to you within the space of a day. I don't mean isolated events that were really momentous-- I mean strings of events that came together by the threads of the universe, somehow connected by random chance but that produced awesomeness. Pure uncut awesomeness.
Bollocks to length. Write enough that you need.
(, Mon 13 Jun 2005, 22:39, Reply)
You're Invisible for a Day...What do you do? I would sneak into the Playboy Mansions...who wouldn't? But I'm sure you people have much more interesting and altogether more disturbing fantasies. Let your imagination run wild, but keep it legal please. The FBI is watching.
(, Tue 7 Jun 2005, 21:56, Reply)
Geekiest thing you doI sometimes count in binary to amuse myself on long car journeys. Hours of fun.
(, Thu 12 May 2005, 16:30, Reply)
What should you have said?When you have walked away from a situation, beaten and bowed, silent in your own misery. You know that there was one killer line you could have said. And it came to you six hours later as you were tossing and turning in bed, unable to sleep. Shit! I should have said...........what? What was the knockout punch that you should have delivered?
(, Wed 11 May 2005, 1:08, Reply)
What to ask for a question of the weekI TOLD YOU SO...
Your mum/friend/colleague ever warn you not to do something, but then you go and do it anyway... with disasterous results?
This question is dedicated to you!
(, Wed 27 Apr 2005, 14:35, Reply)
things your parents call youThose embarressing nicknames your parents insist on using for you even though you are already getting grey hairs in unusual places. Mine is Whiffet - there I said it, and it made me feel dirty...
(, Thu 14 Apr 2005, 11:15, Reply)
What do you just *have* to do? OCD etc.Like JatMordan, I have to miss the cats' eyes when changing lanes on the motorway. When I make instant coffee, the spoon of coffee powder has to feel right before I tip it into the mug. Or there's the thing where the stuff on my desk has to be aligned *just* so... What do you do, not because you want to, or need to but because you have to!?
(, Fri 8 Apr 2005, 14:53, Reply)
School WeirdosGrowing up in the sticks there were many odd people in my school, the girl that perpetually smelt like wee and who's sister wet herself in a GCSE exam (maybe a connection?), the boy who thought that he was gods gift to girls even though he was short and somewhat overweight and the boy who would play kiss chase with other boys against their will with a crazed serial killer look in his eye.
Who was your school weirdo and what did they do to recieve such an honour?
(, Thu 7 Apr 2005, 16:21, Reply)
Whenever I forget to lock my Nokia phonebefore I put it in my pocket, the random combination of buttons pressed while it's in there always manages to get it to access the internet and rake up a few quid on my bill. Coincidence or fiendish means of my phone company getting more cash out of me? Not the best example, but What's your most daft conspiracy theory?
(, Thu 7 Apr 2005, 9:40, Reply)
somebody posted a great suggestion in their answer this week...what is the explanation behind your username?
(
eponymous Oh!, Tue 5 Apr 2005, 15:28,
Reply)
Seeing as April Fools is fast approaching...What is the best pratical joke you have pulled on someone, or someone has done to you? Did any end with dire consequences and/or a trip to the local A&E? Coverage in a local newspaper?
(, Thu 31 Mar 2005, 17:55, Reply)
Stuff You Got Up To In School.For example: One guy from my GCSE Business Studies class was told to leave the room for some infraction that slips my mind. This he did. Halfway to the door, he spun around and started moonwalking, while singing 'Can't Touch This' by MC Hammer. Most of the class burst out laughing, while the teacher looked on in a stunned silence.
(
so long and thanks for all the fish, Sat 26 Mar 2005, 17:47,
Reply)
Do you fucking want some?Whats the best punch up you ever had? ever knocked someone out or been knocked out? Or gone to kick someone and just twisted your ankle and ended up looking like a knob? Someone I know actually 'gets wood' in a fight. Crap and spectacular fights please.
(, Tue 8 Mar 2005, 12:57, Reply)
karmaHow about Whats The Most Embarrassing Thing You Thought You'd Got Away With That Came Back And Bit You In The Arse. Should produce some good skeleton/closet answers.
(, Mon 28 Feb 2005, 19:22, Reply)
Best clean jokeWe all know tons of bawdy/gross/un-PC jokes. But ever been stumped for one you could tell your kids or your grandparents?
Let's update our clean joke files!
(
setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Mon 28 Feb 2005, 15:20,
Reply)
what happened to..the old questions of the week?, flatmates from hell had me laugh so hard i couldent breathe.
why cant we see those answers again?
(
willenium Fist bump for verification, Mon 24 Jan 2005, 21:20,
Reply)
Have you ever widdled in an amusing place?When I was four I dropped my trousers and pissed all over the sofa in front of my mum and one of her friends. She was not amused.
Have you ever piddled anywhere other than a loo for your own amusement or as revenge?
(
Bob Todd whee, Thu 20 Jan 2005, 18:24,
Reply)
How about'Recalling the moment you became scarred for life'
When you were six, and a dog humped your leg, etc.
(, Wed 5 Jan 2005, 8:55, Reply)
Worst thing done as a childFollowing on from Declan_m's . .
Let's see . . we put my friends little brother in a tractor tyre and rolled him down a hill, forgetting about the traffic at the end until he was well out of reach. Luckily he crossed the road without any collisions and bounced off into a field, where we found him dizzy and covered in puke :)
Then we . . stuffed newspaper in drainpipes and lit it. It got sucked up the drainpipe as it created its own vacuum or something. Made a flipping great noise too - like a very angry ghost sucking on a milkshake. And it melted the dainpipes after a while :) The council changed them all from open spouts to buried spouts not long after.
Apparently, the big boys threw tractor tyres over lampposts and used them to stabilise upside down gas canisters, then lit a fire under them or hammered the end off or something. I heard that the things shot straight up and smacked the tops off the lampposts. Never saw it though - anyone know if it's feasible? I've always wanted to try . .
Oh yeah, and I set my little brothers hand on fire with dripping molten plastic.
(, Wed 29 Dec 2004, 20:26, Reply)
Most annoying peron(s) where you workIn my office we have the "Witches of EastWick" - 3 women who sit in the partition opposite who do nothing but spout drivel at high volume for 8 hours a day. I swear they barely stop to breath.
(, Tue 21 Dec 2004, 11:15, Reply)
Have you ever abused a position of power?As a network admin, I used to find myself trawling through the new admin birds profile on the server to find out what her hobbies were from her internet bookmarks and such, then feigning interest in them when we were introduced.
Have you ever abused a position of power? Oh yes you have, you evil bastard. Tell us.
(, Wed 1 Dec 2004, 12:28, Reply)
Best Bullshitswhat have you managed to convince your mates to belive something that is blatently lies.
the best one I know of, was getting s friend of a friend to belive Smints (those little mint thingys) had cocaine in them
gullable twunt
(
willenium Fist bump for verification, Sun 24 Oct 2004, 11:05,
Reply)
Being as it's coming up to HalloweenHow about bestist trueist ghost stories?
(
Snollock Biffer I don't really sniff Bollocks, Tue 5 Oct 2004, 15:07,
Reply)
Here's a good one...Best insults given to Jehovah's witnesses...(the ones who come to your house and try to convert you.)
(, Mon 20 Sep 2004, 10:08, Reply)
whats the best thing you've ever made out of lego?i once made a working record player, god knows how
(, Thu 2 Sep 2004, 12:45, Reply)
Whats the best nickname you have ever hador given and why.
At work we go out and tend to the jobs of the day
while our Boss stays in the office. So we call her the 'Olympic Torch' #cos she never goes out.
(
Chumfatty, Tue 3 Aug 2004, 17:56,
Reply)
Best trampDoes anyone else have any tales regarding their favourite wildly eccentric homeless folk? I'm a bit of a spotter myself so have a few tales to share including The Exploding Kid and The Hurtling Screamer amongst others.
(, Tue 22 Jun 2004, 12:47, Reply)
wooooI dont know if this has already been said, (sorry if it has) but
A) worst thing you ever did to a sibling? Either something mean you did to a younger one, or something you did to an older one to piss them off... i think everyone must be guilty
B)worst punishment your parents ever gave you? If everyone elses parents are like minbe then there must be some reeeaally stupid ones.
(, Tue 22 Jun 2004, 12:23, Reply)
GibberishHave you ever had a conversation with someone who is obviously sleep-talking. My son is the biggest culprit, once asking me if I knew how to put his bike back (from where, I have no idea) and another time asking me if I really wanted to take it without putting it in the fridge first (what?)
(, Mon 21 Jun 2004, 10:47, Reply)
Things you've realised at an embarrassingly late age...And how you came to realise them!
(, Thu 3 Jun 2004, 7:31, Reply)
What is the worst Birthday/chirstmas/other present you haveand what TERRIBLE thing did you end up doing with it?
(, Mon 17 May 2004, 19:40, Reply)
How aboutbest revenge stories?
Why you were forced to exact terrible wrath and how you went about it.
(, Tue 11 May 2004, 12:25, Reply)
<<<MMM.....>>>what about the stupidest, funniest things said during sex? or the 'delay mechanisms' (u know wat im saying) used to slow it all down,
I used to think about my garden plantpot.
(, Sat 8 May 2004, 20:21, Reply)
Favourite Mind GamesSomething I've always wanted to find out... the mind games you can play with either your friends or unwitting members of the general populace.
As an example, my friends and I were waiting around, bored, before a performance. One of my friends hid behind a conveniently placed yellow pyramid, and when somebody passed, quietly said in a French accent, "Hello, my name is Pierre, I am a talking pyramid", just loud enough to be heard without calling too much attention to him. One lady thought she was going crazy, she kept blinking and shaking her head. Hilarious.
(, Sat 8 May 2004, 14:30, Reply)
what you said when you were ikkleI said:
The washing-lion (washing line)
The mike you wave (microwave)
Back duvvlers (back doubles)
I like a more (I would like some more)
Oh no! (from hearing my mum and dad say it on numerous occasions when i did something bad) e.g. trampled the flowers
(
ed.ge is drunk again in the rhododendrons, Sat 8 May 2004, 9:31,
Reply)
crap claims to fame ??you ever met a minor celebrity or been the talk of a small town ??
I was out last night watching the Beta band. my mates cousin is in the band and we were talking with him afterwards and he told us that our planned move to France was the hot topic of conversation in Fife.
Also you ever not really met a crap celeb ?? I have been to 2 events with David Bellamy (the second one there were only 10 of us) yet have never said a word to him..
(, Sun 2 May 2004, 7:21, Reply)
Unusual wanking behaviourI was once travelling with a band when the drummer told me about how he used to dress up his pillow in his mother's lingerie and jerk off over it... He thought that we would all have admitted to similar experiences and spent quite some time saying "Oh come on, you've all done it but you're afraid to admit it."
We hadn't, but I bet there're plenty of people with other cringe making stories to give us a laugh.
(, Sun 21 Mar 2004, 15:24, Reply)
What should we ask for a question of the week?As someone who works with the public I think that the question should be:
Just how stupid are the general public?
(, Wed 17 Mar 2004, 12:41, Reply)
the worst time you have ever been sick?Most unusual place/experience/reason for praying to the porceline god in the bathroom? tell us what was the most bizarre reason you were technicolour yodelling? and whats the best expression for calling europe on the big white phone that you have?
(, Fri 5 Mar 2004, 1:20, Reply)
Best Teacher StoriesI had a religion teacher in the 9th grade who was absolutely gangbusters. Hilarious man. He'd sing to us on Wednesdays, removed the hands from the clock in the room, tacked up a sign on the ceiling that read "Quit looking at the ceiling, and pay attention to the teacher," and whenever somebody asked him for a Kleenex he'd respond "No, but I've got a dirty Y!" and then proceed to pull out a letter "Y" that he had found on the ground one day and cackle like a hyena.
What're some of your best teacher moments?
(, Fri 27 Feb 2004, 7:47, Reply)
How about...What was your best comeback? Everyone has had some snappy reply at some point. What was yours?
(
The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Wed 25 Feb 2004, 5:48,
Reply)
What's the best urban myth you ever heard?Mine was the guy who got poisoned by a McChicken Sandwich, and when they tested the mayonnaise, in it was found the "best wishes" of three different gentlemen.
(, Sat 7 Feb 2004, 17:53, Reply)
Too much informationWhat's the most inappropriately intimate thing your parents, relatives or total strangers have ever told you? (Boyfriends/girlfriends don't count because eventually you're supposed to know about the time they got a Snickers bar stuck in an intimate place.)
I was on the phone to my mum once when it somehow came up that I hadn't been getting any lately because I had my period. (!) My mum said "Don't you do it during your period? The last time your father and I did it it was *very* red."
How do I get into these conversations?!
On the other hand, it cured me of my phobia of doing "it" during my period... no, you can't use this as your story!
(, Sat 31 Jan 2004, 11:19, Reply)
What is the most innapropriate name for a pet?Have you ever noticed how some "regular" names just don't work when they are applied to animals?
I had a friend who had a goldfish called Tim, and a second mate who called his dog Phillip.
(, Fri 30 Jan 2004, 16:55, Reply)
wswaftqotw?question of the week should be bad acid trips? I once got about 30 crank calls whilst peaking. they ranged from 'evil clicking' to 'screaming banshee' noises on the other end. my brother's mate knew we droppin' acid and decided to mess with our heads.
(, Fri 30 Jan 2004, 1:19, Reply)
the stupidist thing your boss has ever said/didobviously you are not spossed to laugh when the boss makes a twunt of himself, but sometimes you just cant help it.
on the way home from work, (he was giving me a lift) listening to radio 2 the travel announcert says there is roadworks on the tay road bridge in scotland causing minor delays...boss shouts " christ! did you hear that? im glad i didnt go on the m25 then!" fuck knows what he though he heard, but i was creased up for the rest of the journey. we are in essex
(, Wed 28 Jan 2004, 21:01, Reply)
Worst. Joke. Ever.You have it - we need it. And it has to bad...
(
WhoElse I'm what Willis was talking about, Wed 21 Jan 2004, 13:55,
Reply)
My great grandad was probably one of the Krays, although nobody is sure which one.I also nearly played a gig with the Darkness, but our band had a car crash on the way to a crucial band practice, so we never got to play the gig.
I'd like to know, what are other people's dubious claims to fame?
(
Sir Sand GOBLIN ^popular page dis, Tue 20 Jan 2004, 16:17,
Reply)
What's your most amusing celebrity encounter?I've got one, but I'm not telling unless it comes up as question of the week :-P
(, Fri 16 Jan 2004, 13:21, Reply)
Whats the best way to annoy people you work with?... not that I'm collating information or anything.
I used to routinely disconnect the network cable from the back of my horrible boss's pc, because I knew how much it upset him to have a subordinate come and fix it for him. And set pictures of raw meat as his desktop wallpaper, which 'must have been a virus'.
(, Fri 16 Jan 2004, 12:43, Reply)
Neighbourhood NuttersThe ones that everyone knew of, even people that grew up there years before, or after you.
With stories about them you are not sure if they are true, or just myth.
(
heymister, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 17:19,
Reply)
What was the Scariest/strangest ex-partner you ever have had?Mine was a girl who amongst other things carried a small sandbag frog around with her.
It spoke or rather beeped to her and could solve all of her problems.
She was 19 at the time
Oh I have just remembered I bumped into her a few months ago, she is now 25/26 and the Frog has been replaced by tigger
(, Wed 14 Jan 2004, 15:32, Reply)
what's your favourite masterbation position?well, you said interesting.
(, Wed 14 Jan 2004, 13:19, Reply)
Anyone got an amusing anecdote about anything at all?(
social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Sun 17 Dec 2017, 20:18,
2 replies,
latest was 7 years ago)
The Dreaded Inlaws....Having just spent xmas with the (right wing, Daily Mail reading, ignorant and (according to their internet search history) sexually deviant) in-laws, i want to hear your tales of woe and hilarity with the other half's parent.
(, Thu 5 Jan 2017, 16:43, Reply)
Let me mod QOTWI guarantee there will be a new question every week
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spanishfly is so fucking sexy people impersonate him, Tue 15 Nov 2016, 22:47,
Reply)
if you could mark your territory using musk glands in your anal margin then which three things would you scent mark?I reckon I'd do Old Trafford, the Masjid al-Haram and Taylor Swift's tits
(, Sun 1 Nov 2015, 17:39, Reply)
What could have beenEver turn down a job or didn't buy shares that could have made you rich and possibly famous?
Tell us what you did or didn't do that could have turned out possibly life changing.
(, Thu 17 Sep 2015, 21:39, Reply)
How much is ringofyre bricking it over this Ashley Madison thing?(
2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Thu 20 Aug 2015, 13:32,
Reply)
Not getting the job. Did you blag your way through a job interview, only to be caught out? Is your photography portfolio full of the cheapest available prostitutes with action figures stuck in their minges? Did your involvement in an irreverant online message board put off headhunters doing research into you by googling your name, before offering you a lucrative contract?
Tell us. We care. Honestly.
(
Muns, Mon 8 Jun 2015, 13:39,
2 replies,
latest was 10 years ago)
One based on travelHave you ever found your self in a place that was unexpectedly beautiful and life affirming or just so dreadful it has made you vow never to travel again?
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Rev. Jayneflakes Buy my book, I need the cash for drugs and hookers, Thu 4 Jun 2015, 11:17,
2 replies,
latest was 10 years ago)
Changing your mind.People tend to seek things that back up already held beliefs, but what books, films, real-life events have actually changed the way you think about a subject.
Essentially a recommendations thread, I guess.
(
monkeon schmonkeon, Fri 27 Mar 2015, 19:13,
Reply)
magnets(
The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Thu 26 Feb 2015, 9:25,
1 reply,
10 years ago)
what's your favourite block of text copied and pasted from wikipedia?(
Zuowan, Thu 13 Nov 2014, 6:11,
Reply)
Who do you hate and why?Get really stuck in. It can be anyone from here or in real life. Just put that boot in so hard they cry blood.
(
$$ ✅, Tue 2 Sep 2014, 8:35,
5 replies,
latest was 11 years ago)
Have you ever been unable to carry out your responsibilities for four daysbecause your index finger is lodged in a canines rectum?
(
Muns, Mon 10 Mar 2014, 14:35,
Reply)
Driving tests.First try? Second try? Seventeenth try? Can't do worse than my sister, wrote a car off in her test. Tell us about your driving tests, and how you are(n't) the best driver the world has ever seen.
(, Fri 21 Feb 2014, 23:23, Reply)
poolet's share some funny stories about poo
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The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Thu 6 Feb 2014, 13:20,
Reply)
My dad always said to me that the three things you should never discuss when drunk were football, religion and politics, so tell us all about the advice that you were given, promptly ignored, and the consequences.
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social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Wed 20 Nov 2013, 20:28,
2 replies,
latest was 11 years ago)
Haveyou ever met up with anyone from okcupid, match. eharmony, etc?
Were they freaky, funny, or just as fucking desperate as you?
(
social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Sun 3 Nov 2013, 20:46,
Reply)
What are you most ashamed of?Your behaviour, your clothes, your secret love of Justin Beibet, or maybe the fact that you can only get it up to really weird porn. Whatever, spill it.
(
monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 20 Sep 2013, 18:50,
3 replies,
latest was 11 years ago)
Break-up stories"I could live with being cheated on. What really got me that there was clearly a third person holding the camera."
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Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Tue 3 Sep 2013, 12:10,
Reply)
Waste of money. Have you ever pissed away good money on something that, in retrospect, was pointless?
For example, have you ever pissed away your inheritance on a 44,000l salt water swimming pool that you never use because every waking moment is spent on an internet forum trying to goad people into telling you how much of a prick you are, whilst declaring to everyone that you're not bothered what they think?
(
Muns, Mon 2 Sep 2013, 10:36,
Reply)
Middle Age SpreadI've just bought a nasal hair trimmer - because I needed it. What's the most middle aged thing you've done?
(
Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 29 Aug 2013, 10:50,
2 replies,
latest was 12 years ago)
Reverse Bucket ListWhat three experieces would you like to undo or un-remember before you die
(, Thu 1 Aug 2013, 16:33, 1 reply, 12 years ago)
No holds barred.Fuck it, let's for once do away with this whole 'question' pretence and have a week where everyone says whatever they want about everyone else, just to get it out of our collective systems. Then the more sensitive ones will leave forever and the remaining five users can rejoice in A JOB WELL DONE.
(
drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Mon 22 Jul 2013, 18:43,
3 replies,
latest was 12 years ago)
Unreasonable cruelty. An incident at a recent event: Someone had walked up to a guy with a lobe extension, and asked if they could padlock their ear to a fence and take a picture. He, thinking it would make a cool picture agreed. He was promptly padlocked to the fence, at which point the other guy simply fucked off.
What's the harshest thing you've done, or witnessed someone do to their fellow man?
(
Muns, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 13:37,
Reply)
The Morning After The Night BeforeTell us about your best/worst morning afters. Be it after a night of indulgence, meeting the girl/boy of your dreams or your first morning with a ball and chain round your ankle. Or maybe it was the morning carrying on from the night before with no gaps. Or maybe you were just taking a shit in a graveyard.
(
Reginald Donkeyfuck, Tue 2 Jul 2013, 16:34,
1 reply,
12 years ago)
Social Media MeltdownsEver been mightily in your cups after a night out at the local discotheque, returned home and shunned sleep in favour of baring your arse to the world on facebook/twitter/mumsnet with an ill-judged comment or rant?
Even better, have you witnessed someone else doing it?
(
Reginald Donkeyfuck, Thu 13 Jun 2013, 11:50,
Reply)
Please banhammer Rory, tell us how YOU want Rory banhammeredI don't want Rory banhammered, because he's LOVELY.
But Misery McUglywife wants him banhammered, so it might be worth asking this question here just to find out how many accounts Ringo has. Then we can pull off his rubber mask to find out that he was baldmonkey all along.
(
stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Wed 29 May 2013, 15:25,
1 reply,
12 years ago)
When the penny dropped.Tell us a story about a moment of realisation (crushing or otherwise).
(
Pig Bodine., Thu 2 May 2013, 11:28,
Reply)
What's the most depressing and miserable thing you've ever experienced?(
Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 15 Apr 2013, 15:14,
Reply)
Funerals.It's been 7 years since we last covered this one. Loads of people will have carked it since then.
(
Pig Bodine., Thu 11 Apr 2013, 10:17,
1 reply,
12 years ago)
What was the last thing that absolutely fucking terrified you?When did you last get really scared...what caused you to shit yourself?
(
Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Thu 7 Mar 2013, 11:10,
Reply)
The 2012 QOTW Awards.Your categories and the winners.
Frankly, if the bloke with no bumhole doesn't win 'best poster' then it's a fucking travesty.
(
Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 19 Dec 2012, 15:04,
1 reply,
12 years ago)
tell me about a time you've overcome great adversity in your life.have you ever fought back from a terrible illness? got out of a job that was going nowhere? managed to fit something really large up your arse? please, do tell.
(
The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Mon 10 Dec 2012, 9:58,
1 reply,
12 years ago)
Breaking the LawTell us about that time you murdered a prostitute and dumped the body in a suitcase at the side of a busy A road.
Alternatively tell us about your crazy run-ins with Metal band Judas Priest.
(, Thu 29 Nov 2012, 13:39, Reply)
Getting other people in trouble.Tell us about the times someone else has properly got in the shit because of you, for example copying a joke from a disgusting website you own and have been told to get rid of countless times and getting sent to jail for it, while you got away scot free.
(
BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 11 Oct 2012, 11:24,
Reply)
Hospital talesOn my recent stay in the bowel ward, I met some interesting characters and some lovely staff. However, it stank of colostomy bags, one chap told the nurse that he'd had a 'lovely motion', and I had to listen through a door that didn't shut properly to quite ill men violently emptying their bowels with astonishing clarity. What tales of hospital can you share?
(
CaptainCrackerjack live trout, slow motion, Fri 28 Sep 2012, 20:36,
2 replies,
latest was 12 years ago)
Feeble excuses.My grandad's mate once claimed that he found his wife in bed starkers with a gentleman who was equally unclothed.
Her reply 'the laundry's taking a while'.
(
Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 28 Sep 2012, 19:04,
Reply)
Wussing outThat stunning girl/boy you never asked out, the nuisance neighbour you never smacked in the face, the meeting where your colleague sacked and pillaged the project on which you'd spent the past three months and you just sat there...tell us about when your own personal Honda Accord refused to start.
(
.Yeti., Thu 30 Aug 2012, 9:35,
Reply)
Late!Inspired by this, what tales of epic procrastination do you have?
Tell us at some ill-defined point in the future.
Jokes about your guilty pleasure being answering QotW questions three hundred weeks late will be greeted with a sense of inevitability.
(
Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 30 Aug 2012, 9:31,
1 reply,
13 years ago)
That is NOT appropriateI've just been to a famous high street pharmacy chain, named after a type of footwear and seen that they have a special offer on children's shampoo and conditioner. The advert reads:
"Get 2 for 1 on all Naked for Kids products"
I'm pretty sure in advertising terms having "naked" and "kids" in the same sentence is not a good idea.
What have you seen or done recently that would have Mary Whitehouse reaching for her smelling salts? If she weren't dead.
(, Mon 20 Aug 2012, 11:41, Reply)
Triumph vs tragedyHave you ever proven the doubters wrong? Did they say you'd never make it, but 'who's laughing now'? Or, did you fail spectacularly, when all those around you thought you'd succeed?
(, Tue 14 Aug 2012, 14:39, Reply)
Cheap alternativesHave you ever opted to buy something cheap to save money, only to have it end in disaster? Tell us about it, you poundshop raiding tight fisted cunt.
(
Muns, Fri 3 Aug 2012, 13:12,
Reply)
What have you got stuck in?Everyone loves physical comedy, and one of the most ridiculous things anyone can do is put a body part (any one you like) in something that it won't come out of. What horrific things occurred to you? Did the fire brigade and howling neighbours turn up to not help you? Did you lose vital street cred/clothing/seconds to disarm a bomb? Tell your ridiculous tale.
(
Satur9 The shoes!, Fri 3 Aug 2012, 10:08,
Reply)
Give us your best story...Not too long, not a quick one liner....give us your best short story of sadness, lust, happiness, loss, love, hearbreak, best fart...whatever theme you choose.
Fucking belt it out, give us your best.
(
Ken Oath, Fri 3 Aug 2012, 9:43,
Reply)
Real Life Hacks and SelfishnessI learned how to make the lift (at my previous job) go straight to / from my floor without stopping at any others, used it everyday but never shared how to do it.
I can also fool the thermostat on my Air Conditioning so always have it at the temperature I want while mrs ratbag cant understand why shes always cold.
Do you have any little tricks that let you have your own way all the time?
(, Fri 3 Aug 2012, 1:47, Reply)
Complete Bullshit... or is it? Tell the most ridiculous, overblown and smut-ridden stories your keyboards can legally describe. Do your best to convince us that they're true. Bonus points if they really happened.
(, Thu 2 Aug 2012, 20:47, 2 replies, latest was 13 years ago)
What did you do in your QOTW holidays?(
The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Thu 2 Aug 2012, 18:58,
Reply)
Your "take away" memoryDouglas Coupland (the author who coined the term 'Generation X') wrote about the concept of a 'take away' memory - the memory that, if you were abducted by aliens, you would take away from Planet Earth.
So - what's yours - the time you had a threesome / birth of a child / beauty of nature / winning QoTW ?
(, Thu 2 Aug 2012, 18:56, Reply)
Skiving, truancy, pulling a sickie, pretending to be dead.We've all done it, which was your best avoidance of things unpleasant?
(
Infidel , shit and wrong, Thu 2 Aug 2012, 18:37,
2 replies,
latest was 13 years ago)
Beautiful Moments III(
Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 2 Aug 2012, 14:04,
Reply)
Ever lost/broken something and had to make do...Did you take something for granted, only to miss it when it was gone?
Did you break something through sheer petulance, in a fit of pique?
Did the loss make you think about your actions?
Did you discover alternatives you never thought to use?
No, not talking about losing virginity, which may open a
psychological (or physical...errrrgh) can of worms for boarding school folk.
(
Ken Oath, Thu 2 Aug 2012, 6:10,
3 replies,
latest was 13 years ago)
Car accidents you've been in or witnessedI was once arguing with my brother over the cassette player when he lost control of the Datsun. The car spun around, left the road and went airborne backways into a bramble-choked creek.
Let's return QOTW to form with topic almost every bugger has an anecdote about.
(
cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Tue 31 Jul 2012, 23:11,
2 replies,
latest was 13 years ago)
In view of how allthe troll-ey fuckwits have carried on here and in /OT - keep qotw closed for a little while longer.
I'd reopen it in a few months time under the /troll-bait banner.
(, Mon 30 Jul 2012, 23:31, Reply)
A grand day outConsidering how we've managed 3 days now in the UK without consistent flood warnings then I'd imagine you have most likely jumped in the nearest car and headed to your latest "day out" spot. Let's hear your greatest day out adventures.
(
Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 27 Jul 2012, 11:44,
Reply)
'This bloke in pub told me'......unlikely tales you've been told in a pub, at work, or on an internet forum based around irreverent humour.
(
Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 26 Jul 2012, 15:19,
2 replies,
latest was 13 years ago)
Strange celeb requestsI once asked Austin Healey (rugby bloke) to sign a dvd to my wife saying 'there's more to rugby than staring at my arse'. Which he duly did(if this gets QOTW I'll post up said dvd cover).
What's the strangest request you've asked a celeb and they've done?
(, Thu 19 Jul 2012, 15:34, Reply)
Best. Sex. Ever.Let's give that 50 shades of grey missus a run for her millions and properly populate this board with filth, real or imagined.
(, Wed 18 Jul 2012, 0:04, 1 reply, 13 years ago)
Badly written sex liesAs a tribute to Fifty Shades of Grey, amaze us all with your literary skillzors and provide some badly written sex lies for the sweaty-palmed amongst us.
(, Thu 12 Jul 2012, 7:00, Reply)
Sheds.Do you own a shed? Ever thought about building one, but been put off by the rain? Perhaps you have moved a shed from one allotment to another.
Share your shed-related japes.
(
tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 9 Jul 2012, 10:30,
6 replies,
latest was 13 years ago)
The One That Got AwayYou know what it's like. You find that perfect someone then as quick as they appeared in your life they flash away and try as you want, or not, you never forget them. Depressing I know
(, Mon 11 Jun 2012, 13:51, Reply)
The best / worst day of my life...We’ve all had a day when nothing went wrong for a change. What happened with you?
Alternatively, what about your worst day ever?, when fate threw up on on your duvet before administering a cheeky wedgie?
(
Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 10 May 2012, 9:00,
1 reply,
13 years ago)
Medical talesBones breaking, skin diseases, unfortunate enemas, clumsy proctologists, speeding paramedics, amazing rescues using some gaffer tape and a bic. Plenty of scope for good, bad and downright scary stories.
(Last medical type QOTW March 2010 so should be some long forgotten efforts and new material)
(
number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Wed 9 May 2012, 17:02,
Reply)
Morning after souvenirs Traffic cones, flashing lights and tattoos. Share your tales of how nights out turned bad the following morning.
(, Thu 19 Apr 2012, 11:43, 2 replies, latest was 13 years ago)
ArgumentsWhat's the most stupid argument you've got into with a partner / friend / relative?
(
Zuowan, Sat 31 Mar 2012, 17:07,
1 reply,
13 years ago)
TerrorWhat is the single most terrifying experience of your life? Obviously, being 'ard as nails, I've never been terrified at all. But having a stunningly epic nosebleed the other week and loosing a good 20% of my blood volume was a close call. Seeing that much of your own blood does indeed shit you up just a little...
(
Bathory, Fri 30 Mar 2012, 18:26,
Reply)
My first cup of tea.Do you remember your first cup of tea? Did you recognise it for the life-sustaining nectar that it is, or did you spit it out it disgust? Maybe you burned your delicate, infant mouth?
What were you doing whilst you supped? Perhaps you were reading a book? Tell us everything. Maybe you were browsing the nascent world wide web - what was that like? Were you usng Netscape?
Or maybe your first cup of tea appeared from nowhere, ready to refresh you after a particularly vigorous wanking session?
The possibilities are endless, and I'm sure your responses will be fascinating.
(
monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 23 Mar 2012, 16:47,
2 replies,
latest was 13 years ago)
April Fools jokes that were actually funnyApril Fools is coming up, and it's generally a tiresome affair. Have you ever pulled an April Fools (or had one done to you) that was actually funny, incredibly painful, backfired horrifically or lead to all-round arrests?
(
ferret -> twitter.com/syfyautocorrect <-, Fri 23 Mar 2012, 10:22,
Reply)
SuperstitionsOn a recent flight I met a guy who insisted on sitting behind the wings, as if the engines were to explode, death would be less painful. Does anyone have weirder beliefs?
(
Muns, Sat 10 Mar 2012, 20:52,
Reply)
Have you ever fucked a munchy box, or a fat mess from the internet?Internet dating stories'll do, if you're not AA
(
Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 13:05,
Reply)
If you can't do… teachI was once told by a teacher attempting to teach us about clouds that the amount of water on earth never changes, apparently she hadn't done very well in chemistry. What worrying ignorance do you remember from your school days?
(
Ungersven would support SpankyHanky's patreon, Wed 7 Mar 2012, 10:06,
2 replies,
latest was 13 years ago)
I've got it!!How about a week where people have an opportunity to tell a funny story, could be about anything....Only criteria funny and no pearoast!
(, Tue 6 Mar 2012, 17:15, 2 replies, latest was 13 years ago)
Corporate idiocyFrom that Al Murray's Twitter: "Car insurance company rang, without having sent me a renewal letter, asking for money. Made *them* answer security questions." Tell us your stories about etc etc etc
(
Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Mon 20 Feb 2012, 11:51,
1 reply,
13 years ago)
Welcome to my worldGive us a glimpse of life as it is lived by you. It could be your average day - told with flair of course - or it could be a small (or big) incident that recently happened in your life that shines a light onto your existence.
Any mention of croissants and/or balconies will not be tolerated.
(, Wed 8 Feb 2012, 15:23, Reply)
You've been blamed!Tell us of times were either you've framed others or vice versa...
(
dazbrilliantwhites has been meaning to change this..., Mon 6 Feb 2012, 21:35,
Reply)
Random acts of kindnessHas anyone ever been nice to you, out of the blue, for no reason? Make me believe that the world is a better place than the media and experience suggest.
(
crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Sun 5 Feb 2012, 17:43,
Reply)
What was/is your Big Plan?When your teachers asked, "What are you going to do when you're a grown up?", what did you say? Did it work out? Are you really an astronaut? What made/ruined it for you?
(, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 17:32, Reply)
Worst partyI went to a party this christmas where the hostess was noisily sick in the kitchen while preparing the food and the host entertained us with printouts of his favourite funny pictures off the internet. What's the worst party you've been to?
(, Sun 8 Jan 2012, 17:19, 1 reply, 13 years ago)
SurvivedI once threw a houseparty and someone swapped my gerbils water with vodka which, of course, I didn't change for 2 weeks...but he lived. Who or what in your life has survived against all odds?
(, Fri 30 Dec 2011, 0:25, Reply)
Worst Christmas everBindun back in 2004, but surely it's time for another one?
(, Sat 17 Dec 2011, 17:22, Reply)
Near deathAs a kid I ran through a glass door without opening it, door duly smashed and sliced me up a treat, another half pint of blood loss and I wouldn't have made it. Bet there are far more interesting near death experiences out there.
(, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 10:55, 1 reply, 13 years ago)
You can't make this stuff upEver experienced something so bizarre, so off-the-wall or so unlikely that, when you tell us all about it, no-one will believe you? Are you beginning to doubt it yourself?
(, Thu 1 Dec 2011, 13:00, 1 reply, 13 years ago)
Greatest DeceptionYears ago I 'Shopped a copy of an MOT certificate which I presented as legit to the local constabulary after being stopped. Despite feeling very guilty, I got away with it.
What's your greatest moment of successful deception?
(Any story involving "I do" doesn't count.)
(, Thu 17 Nov 2011, 9:41, 4 replies, latest was 13 years ago)
That Dave, he's a card.Tell us about people you know who think they are funny but aren't really. Show us their fail.
(
mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Wed 16 Nov 2011, 17:56,
1 reply,
13 years ago)
The other day I created this account after a bit of lurking.What is the biggest mistake you've made this year?
(, Thu 3 Nov 2011, 17:02, Reply)
HospitalsHospitals, doctors and nurses change lives. Tell us about your experiences with hospitals and medical care.
(
sutit only the crumbliest, flakiest posts, Thu 3 Nov 2011, 11:05,
1 reply,
13 years ago)
When did you realise you had grown up?or do you still have your childish things scatterd on the bedroom floor.
(
Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Thu 3 Nov 2011, 8:42,
1 reply,
13 years ago)
Awkward moments with the doctorI had to visit the cock doctor. He had a work-experience student with him: a young, female student. The doctor lifted up my cock with his pen and said 'Is it always this small?' The student went purple with supressed laughter. Tell everyone about your awkward medical moments.
(, Tue 25 Oct 2011, 10:42, 3 replies, latest was 13 years ago)
Mobile phone stories.Everyone loves a good mobile phone story. Don't love a good mobile phone story? Then get the fuck out of my way, prick.
I went in to Tesco a few weeks ago for a new phone, just a pay as you go one as my contract phone has broken and I needed a cheap replacement while my contract runs out.
The only thing I wanted out of the phone was a microSD slot so I could listen to music on it, so I asked the guy in the phone department if the phone I was looking at had one (I forget the make of the phone, it was one of the £20 ones, you can look on the Tesco website if you'd like more info). He said he didn't know. Didn't bother looking it up or anything, just said he didn't know and walked off. In the end I went to Asda and got the same phone, slightly cheaper. And it did have a microSD slot after all!
Cheers
(
JessAction Give me all your expensive brandy and hubcaps., Sat 22 Oct 2011, 14:43,
4 replies,
latest was 13 years ago)
stupid things that give you THE FEARhas an old lady with a blue rinse scared you shitless on a bus?
was it the lolypop lady with the crossed eyes that gave you shivers
or the thought of that spoty dirty skanky 18 year old tossing burgers at macdonalds touching your food make you boke?
regail us with your irational fears and what you do to counter them
(
fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Mon 10 Oct 2011, 19:44,
Reply)
How hard can it be?Turn into Jeremy Clarkson for a moment, and tell us about the things that are so obviously wrong with the world, and how they should be fixed. Extra points for ludicrous over-simplification, blatant mis-representation, and humourous knob-gags involving the word "hard".
(, Wed 21 Sep 2011, 10:00, 2 replies, latest was 13 years ago)
Surreal momentsWhen have you stopped, looked around, and thought "This is just plain strange".
(
Hdjejjwsjdjjf LOOK, Sun 11 Sep 2011, 14:22,
1 reply,
13 years ago)
If we lose freedom here there's no place to escape to. This is the last stand on Earth...When was the last time you stood up for what was right? Maybe you berated the person who pushed in your queue? Or maybe you petitioned to stop some bastard council shutting down a local community centre?
Tell us about the times you said "I'm mad as Hell and I'm not going to take it anymore!"
(, Fri 26 Aug 2011, 11:46, Reply)
The first rude thing I ever sawCan't quite remember if it was
a. an end of the pier what the butler saw flickbook thing
b. a porn mag shoved behind a toilet in a council owned office
Both are seared into my brain.
(
rob, Sat 6 Aug 2011, 9:13,
2 replies,
latest was 14 years ago)
PMA - Positive Mental Attitude.When have you displayed the most inappropriate use of seeing the bright side?
(, Thu 28 Jul 2011, 7:00, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)
The Local NutcaseEvery town has one, and there are always loads of rumours and myths about them. Tell us yours.
(, Tue 26 Jul 2011, 11:19, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)
How about a one word question, Porn.Disasters, Cheap thrills, have you found your grandads stash, made a porn film, tell us more, your whore.
(
The Mock Turtle ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Thu 21 Jul 2011, 12:19,
1 reply,
14 years ago)
Big Posh SodsEver had a run-in with the landed gentry? Is your local’s car-park crammed with Chelsea Tractors? Ever had plums in your mouth? Or maybe you know someone called Tarquin?
Give us your Hooray-related tales and let us know how the other half live... Glasses of Pimms all round!
(, Thu 14 Jul 2011, 8:03, 1 reply, 14 years ago)
You can't make this stuff upEver witness something that was so bizarre / unlikely / hilarious that people often don't believe it really happened?
(, Thu 7 Jul 2011, 9:52, Reply)
What's the funniest thing you've ever seen?I asked an ex-girlfriend this, and she replied, "I saw hundreds of birds all land on one tree, and all the branches started snapping, and birds were falling off the tree. It was hilarious."
(, Mon 4 Jul 2011, 11:08, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)
As a hitchhiker, one of the things I noticed was the array and size of stuff simply lying at the side of the motorway.It's an invisible world that few people see - I've seen countless tyres and wheels, cushions, teddy bears, and even a whole wardrobe once, with nary a mark on it, when I was on a junction on the M6.
Tell us about the weird stuff you've found and seen in weird places.
(
Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 27 Jun 2011, 15:48,
1 reply,
14 years ago)
My best friendWhy is your best friend ace? (Lose points for ones which punchline "...It's me.")
(, Wed 22 Jun 2011, 11:02, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)
School HolidaysThose seven weeks between school years used to feel like seven months. What did you get up to and how many fires did you light?
(, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 12:22, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)
Sick Jokes Part Deux.Its been way too long.
(
The Mock Turtle ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Thu 26 May 2011, 10:39,
Reply)
esprit d'escalier Give us your examples.
(, Thu 19 May 2011, 11:30, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)
Overheard conversations.I managed to catch
'...and don't even think about biting me on the tit again'
from the basement flat yesterday. I don't know why people leave their windows open then yell shit like that.
(
JessAction Give me all your expensive brandy and hubcaps., Thu 12 May 2011, 10:49,
1 reply,
14 years ago)
Worst Date ever ...Did you throw up on that lovely girl from accounts after spending 3 months getting up the nerve to ask her out? Did your date end in Accident and Emergency? Did you accidentally destroy his ego by thrashing him at snooker?
Tell us, tell us, tell us please ...
(, Thu 12 May 2011, 0:54, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)
Walking in on things you wish you hadnt...A colleague at an ex-work pushed open the broken staff loo door to see me with fone in hand quickly covering the family jewels. It must have looked like I was strumming to the internet but no I was actually skiving off playing tiger woods golf on my fone. I got made redundant/fired a week later and never got the chance to explain so am now prob known as that guy who used to wank in the staff loos at a relatively well known Hampshire hotel. Glad I dont work in the hotel industry anymore...
What awkward things have you walked in on? or What were you doing you wish someone hadnt walked in and seen?
For triple high score please include any crap/ridiculous/lying through your teeth explanations or any awkward confessions/little talks afterwards...
(, Wed 13 Apr 2011, 0:09, Reply)
Places and Buildings.We've had questions were people rhapsodise about books, music and films: but what about places that have particularly good or bad memories for you? What places make you happy, and why? What building would you like to own or demolish (or both)?
(
Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Wed 6 Apr 2011, 11:45,
2 replies,
latest was 14 years ago)
School tripsNo, not doing MASSIVE DRUGS in a maths lesson but piling on to a coach that stinks of piss and trawling off to see a fossilized tree or the county's second best tapestry.
(
number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Wed 30 Mar 2011, 17:26,
Reply)
TheoriesWhat strange and wonderful theories do you have on things in your life. Can you prove them to a doubting public?
(
number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Wed 30 Mar 2011, 16:58,
Reply)
Important ProjectsThree weeks ago we got a new hand dryer at work, it is ridiculously powerful. Every time I visit the bogs now, I cup my hands together and get the blast of air from the dryer to pass over a gap between my thumbs in an attempt to produce the worlds loudest 'owl hoot'.
I've not got the technique right yet, but I'm soooo close.
What important projects are you working on?
(
Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Wed 23 Mar 2011, 18:15,
1 reply,
14 years ago)
Nights out gone wrongIn celebration of the woman who went out for a quiet drink with friends after work, and ended up half naked, kicking a copper in the nads and threatening to smear her own shit over hospital staff, how have your best-laid plans ended in woe?
(
Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Tue 22 Mar 2011, 14:22,
1 reply,
14 years ago)
Nightmare neighboursI guess this must have already been done.
If it hasnt, it should be, because most of us must have some tales to tell of living in close proximity with bin snooping curtain twitchers, hell raisers, religious nuts or people who end up making Ted Bundy look like the Dalai Lama
(, Mon 14 Mar 2011, 1:07, Reply)
Rant-a-thonGet it off your chest, it's been proven to bring down your blood pressure.
(
sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 9 Mar 2011, 13:52,
2 replies,
latest was 14 years ago)
PregnancyFor a week of crotchfruit, sprog and embarrassing sex stories.
(Did I get my Britishisms right?)
(, Tue 8 Mar 2011, 22:05, Reply)
CookingLast week I managed to set my flat on fire while trying to boil some water. What mishaps have you had in the kitchen?
(
Ungersven would support SpankyHanky's patreon, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 0:32,
Reply)
The games we used to playI don't mean computer games.
The stuff we used to HAVE TO make up. I was always Velma with my brothers in our Scooby-doo adventures from the Mystery machine (the bottom of the stairs) and we would make communication devices for our star-trek missions from mums pop up jewellery boxes with hand drawn number pads inside.
Never mind the 'You have to die from a chosen weapon game'.
(
Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver I have very beautiful lips, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 22:51,
2 replies,
latest was 14 years ago)
Giving BirthIt is without doubt, one of the most disgusting fucking sights i have ever witnessed.
What are your stories, whether it be a giving birth to a baby, giving birth to a business that turned into a bastard child or shelling a fantastically large shit!
(, Thu 17 Feb 2011, 14:27, 1 reply, 14 years ago)
Moments of realisationWhen has it dawned on you that everything has just gone spectacularly wrong?
(
Hdjejjwsjdjjf LOOK, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 9:48,
Reply)
Very public acts of stupidityI've just been out to the shops and as I came down a road, there was a car abandoned in the middle of a junction causing big tailbacks.
The reason for the abandoned car? Some muppet had parked illegally and been clamped but decided to try and drive off WITH THE WHEEL CLAMP STILL ATTACHED to the wheel.
It didn't work, the whole clamp just got rammed into the wheel arch.
What acts of gross stupidity have you done in public for all to laugh at?
(
camp freddy well, would you look at that!, Mon 14 Feb 2011, 12:28,
Reply)
I wish someone had seen meIn riposte to this weeks Q, what amazing feats/flukes have you inadvertantly achieved that you wish you'd had an audience for?
(, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 15:10, Reply)
VengeanceMy Dad says that in frustration at being telephoned by a fax machine at 2 o'clock every morning, he made his PC send a blank 200 page document, blank except for the last page, which read "Paper feed fault".
I don't know if he really did, but I like the idea.
(
finnbar has officially retired, Sat 22 Jan 2011, 9:18,
Reply)
Sticky Situationsand how you got out of them - whether through guile, luck, or simply legging it.
Means I can tell my story about dancing my way out of a beating in a German nightclub.
(, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 10:10, Reply)
Idiotic Accidents!What's the most idiotic thing you've done to yourself accidentally. Put yourself in hospital without trying? Poked yourself in the eye with a sharp stick? Or stood on a glass and watched it stick right through your foot and out of the top, like I did aged 14? Make my day, punk, and spice up the worst thing you've done to yourself! I need a laugh!
(
The Lone Groover has mal des nuts., Mon 10 Jan 2011, 21:39,
1 reply,
14 years ago)
UnrepentantConfession is good for the soul, so they say. But only if you're sorry for what you done... Post a terrible story where you regret nothing!
(, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 12:48, Reply)
TravelSupposedly, travel broadens the mind, but we all know that it's not always great. There's a quote “If you reject the food, ignore the customs, fear the religion and avoid the people, you might better stay at home.” For every person that goes to far flung shores to experience something new and exotic, there are millions of Britons every year who traipse off to Magaluf for the summer, to spend two weeks complaining that the English breakfast isn't very good, the chips are the wrong sort and the poor reception on the telly spoilt their enjoyment of the Arsenal match.
What are your stories of wonderment, enlightenment, and awe, or of general ignorance and fear of all things forrin.
(, Wed 15 Dec 2010, 15:40, 1 reply, 14 years ago)
Office Christmas parties.Tis the season... What are the best and worst things to happen at an Office party??
Stalkers creeping up and making their feelings known?
Bosses breakdancing?
FIGHTS!!
Tell us all.
(
GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 9:43,
Reply)
DesperationHave you ever been the person you see ogling everyone without a disfiguring skin condition, or carried out the most abasing and notorious acts because you were gagging for a shagging? Have your dry spells made you settle for an oily flannel? How desperate have you been and what were the results?
Jokes in which the premise is that you were so desperate that you carried out a criminal act should be kept to a minimum.
(, Sun 12 Dec 2010, 21:42, Reply)
The most imbecilic thing a loved one has come out withNo matter how much you love them, at some point a close relative or lover has come out with something that made you scrutinize them closely for signs of brain damage. Whether it be assertions that the national grid runs wind farm turbines to make sure we have breezes on still days or insistence that the Illuminati are in control of the BBC2 Thursday night comedy slot- what dimwitted ridiculousness have your loved ones come out with?
(
Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Thu 25 Nov 2010, 8:56,
1 reply,
14 years ago)
HoardingWhat random crap have you got lurking in your loft/garage/shed/spare room?
I've got a tin full of plugs cut off old appliances that've been scrapped, a box of aerial cables and connectors. A crate of almost every mains adaptor I've ever owned for anything electric/electronic and bags or boxes of things too numerous to recall.
Every so often the missus forces me to have a clear out and you can bet within 6 weeks I'll need something that I'll have thrown out. And for the life of me I can't find the mini TOSLINK adaptor I KNOW I've got somewhere.
I've never even had to change a fuse, never mind a whole plug.
(
mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Tue 16 Nov 2010, 20:14,
1 reply,
14 years ago)
B3ta's got talentBuh buh I can do the photoshop and answer questions but what other talents do the fine fiddlers of the B3taverse have to share with us? Myself? I can touch my nose with my tongue.
(
dazbrilliantwhites has been meaning to change this..., Tue 16 Nov 2010, 0:58,
2 replies,
latest was 14 years ago)
Good SamaritansWhen I was eight I got lost at a service station. Scared and alone, I turned to passers by for help, only to be ignored by several mothers and their own precious darlings. When all hope appeared to be lost... Four burly, shaven headed men looked after me and kept me calm (even buying me lunch) until the matter was resolved.
When have you received help from a seemingly unlikely source?
(, Tue 9 Nov 2010, 21:05, Reply)
If I ruled the country...If I was in charge of the country and could do anything I wished I would ban X-Factor and make sexy ladies have to wear see-through clothes. Oh, and I'd ban old people from town centres at lunchtime and weekends.
If you were in charge, what would you do?
(, Wed 3 Nov 2010, 10:51, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)
Once had an idea to set up a website exclusively for thisDREAMS - lets hear your's from the freaked up nightmares to the awsum flying ones to the sexy ones. Once I dreamt I was a football manager and in the dream the player I was trying to sign started making a "unnhhhhh unnnhhhhh unghhghghnnnhhhh" noise (you know the one). And when I woke it turned out to be my wife going into labor.
(
dazbrilliantwhites has been meaning to change this..., Wed 6 Oct 2010, 20:56,
5 replies,
latest was 14 years ago)
CowardiceToday my boss was supposed to fly to France to inspect one of our suppliers but cancelled due to the recent terror alerts and sent one of my colleagues instead.
What stories of spectacular cowardice do you have to tell?
(
Afinkawan Yes I can hear you Clem Fandango, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 17:31,
Reply)
WOOP WOOP WOOP...it's the tales of da policeWe have all had to deal with the police sometime in our lives, whether reporting a crime or being arrested! Tel us your stories involving the police!
(
Squiggy Alloria makes theme parks., Mon 27 Sep 2010, 15:17,
1 reply,
14 years ago)
MASSIVE DRUGSCome on then, get it out of your system (ha ha) - tell us your pharmaceutically-influenced anecdotes.
(
sanityclause is waiting until, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 10:08,
1 reply,
14 years ago)
Strangely attractiveWhat unusual things do you find sexually attractive in potential partners? I'm not talking about the obvious things - tits & arse - but the odder ones.
For example, a mate told me that the most attractive thing about her BF was the way he held the steering wheel...
(, Thu 2 Sep 2010, 17:45, 1 reply, 14 years ago)
PubsPubs are great - not only can you get inebriated legally, but there's a whole host of strange and wonderful characters that inhabit our regular drinking holes.
Tell us about your favourite boozer / drunken associates.
(, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 15:51, Reply)
wasted opportunitiesA friend of mine got married last year. Her last name was Walker and her hubby's last name is Webb. No matter how much I pleaded with her, she would not take the name webb-walker, nor would she have a spiderman themed wedding.
What a wasted opportunity.
(
Damocles wants no part of your debauchery, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 10:34,
2 replies,
latest was 15 years ago)
Creeping right-wingnessWhen I was a callow youth, I used to be a member of the Anti-Nazi League and sell issues of Socialist Worker with my mate's dad. These days, I want to set fire to tramps and think that striking should be punishable by death.
How have you got more right-wing as you've got older?
(
CaptainCrackerjack live trout, slow motion, Sun 11 Jul 2010, 9:16,
2 replies,
latest was 15 years ago)
GovernmentI don't know about anybody else but in my short life I have come across loads of government fuck ups. For example, when I applied for my provisional driving licence, they added the picture of a 17 year old boy to it (I am a girl!!) and then sent me his passport!!!! Occurrences such as that could potentially be a threat to national security! Would love to hear others' stories of incompetence.
(, Sat 10 Jul 2010, 17:48, Reply)
Absolute PowerThey say that power corrupts you, and after three years of occasional teaching, I'm fairly sure that the authority and responsibility it's given me have encouraged the bullshitter and the lecherous old git within me, so:
Regale us with entertaining anecdotes of the time you were put in a position of power and/or responsibility and promptly arsed it up, resulting in public humiliation. Or perhaps you've been a teacher, prison warden or army officer and found that in order to succeed in your position you've had to become an insufferable arsehole? Or perhaps your first babysitting job transformed from an evening in front of someone else's telly and into a night spent chasing the little shits round the garden to get them into bed before their parents staggered in pissed?
Or just tell us about the time you abused your authority to cop a feel of some breasts.
(, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 11:05, Reply)
Guess what I found!Having not been to a cash machine I borrowed 40 quid off a mate to join him on a big night out. Walking home at the end of the night I found 40 quid outside our hotel!
Tell us about your lucky finds.
(, Tue 29 Jun 2010, 16:03, Reply)
Last day on earth?We sometimes hear the phrase "live your life like its your last day on earth".....So if it was your last your last day on earth what would you do?
(, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 2:48, Reply)
Lies gone wrongWhen was the last time you told a lie, and it either spiralled out of control or had unforseen consequences? Seeing as this is the internet, I'm sure there'll be plenty of liars willing to share their stories. Whether we can believe them is another matter...
(, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:12, Reply)
SleepWe spend 1/3 of our life doing it, that's 33% of our time full of opportunities to do weird shit. What shenanigans have you/your partner gotten up to in your sleep? What were your most whacked-out dreams? Or what were the results of you having too much/little sleep?
(, Thu 17 Jun 2010, 22:41, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)
Getting caughtMasturbating, stealing, making the cat dance... when did someone catch you doing something you'd rather had remained secret?
(, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 1:25, Reply)
Most shameful masterbation story.Regretful hand-to-glad moments, whether location, material at hand ie: dodgy midget scat mag or horse threesomes website, or disgusting wank bank memories.
Ladies welcome.
(, Tue 1 Jun 2010, 0:18, Reply)
The internet escapes into real life..yesterday I asked a colleague " can you de RIS this document for me?"
share your tales
(
willenium Fist bump for verification, Wed 19 May 2010, 20:00,
1 reply,
15 years ago)
Cheating...Have you ever cheated on someone? Have you been cheated on? What are your stories/excuses you've heard?
(, Sun 2 May 2010, 21:39, Reply)
FacialsEver given or received an epic blast of man-butter to the face? Tell us about it...
(, Tue 13 Apr 2010, 21:45, 4 replies, latest was 15 years ago)
Marketing BolloxWhen I worked at HSBC, they spent millions on rebranding. The consultants came up with this brilliant idea:
"HSBC no longer stands for Hong Kong - Shanghai Banking Corporation, it stands for nothing, it is no longer an acronym it is just HSBC". Hundreds of thousands spent, result? Umm... nothing! Same logo, but wow! HSBC means HSBC now instead of umm... HSBC... Result!
Inspired by post from Colonel Boris www.b3ta.com/board/9988934#post9988943
(
simbosan is too tired, Thu 1 Apr 2010, 13:36,
3 replies,
latest was 15 years ago)
What makes you proudEvery day I walk my son to school over what used to be the runway of RAF Skellingthorpe, now long defunct, which was one of the many bases in Lincolnshire that sent planes out to thwart the Nazis. My son's school is called Lancaster, after the bombers. There are the usual games laid out, hopscotch etc, but also a list of the many planes lost. And it's a lot. Hundreds lost from this one airfield.
Walking over it makes me proud that there were men and women willing to die for me and mine.
What makes you proud. To be British (or wherever you're from), to be a good person, whatever.
(
Sallyrsm, Wed 31 Mar 2010, 10:11,
1 reply,
15 years ago)
Bizarre PrejudiceAre you prejudiced? I realised today that I make a hell of a lot of snap decisions, some of them very strange indeed e.g. all bouncers are thick, vicious and unreasonable; all people in the University drama society don't wash and are slags; all girls wearing over a certain amount of make up aren't really worth talking to; people from small Scottish villages think far too much of themselves; outspoken male feminists are all secretly angry because they wank themselves into a coma every night.
It goes on. What (ideally humorous) examples of prejudice can you think up? Don't just bang on about how you never judge people on first impressions - no-one will believe you.
(, Mon 29 Mar 2010, 22:01, Reply)
Help me, Trick Cyclist!An old flatmate of mine used to mark the level of her milk. She also positioned furniture and magazines at right angles and lost her cool if, for some reason, things were incorrectly aligned.
Another flatmate of mine, Steve, was last seen being hustled into the care of the police after being found running up and down the road, shirtless and waving a flaming bit of wood, claiming that the Masons were controlling his thoughts.
Finally there was Jim; one of my closest friends, closet gay, top artist, bit odd. He went the whole Van Gogh trip and chopped off one of his thumbs.
What other lovable lunatics have you known or lived with, and how have they affected your lives?
(
disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Mon 29 Mar 2010, 7:23,
1 reply,
15 years ago)
dreamsmy mate once had a dream that involved me laying eggs in the street. what's the weirdest dream you've had?
(
Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sat 27 Mar 2010, 21:26,
1 reply,
15 years ago)
Proper WTF momentsAmazing stupidity (yes, I know we've just had that), astounding feats of supernatural intelligence, predicting things with uncanny accuracy, or just full-on mentalist episodes that you don't understand. They all count as WTF moments - tell us about yours*
*it doesn't matter whether you witnessed it or initiated it
(, Fri 26 Mar 2010, 10:21, Reply)
Camping woes.Everybody at some point has been camping and suffered some indignities.
Have you squatted down to poo only to get your bare ass stung by nettles or pitched camp on a firing range?
Regale us around the campfire.
(, Thu 25 Mar 2010, 11:17, Reply)
ConfessionsHave you been hiding a dark secret for 20 years? Is there something bottled up inside you, gnawing away at your very soul?
It's time to finally confess! Stuff you've never, ever admitted to anyone, ever. Old crushes, embarrassing mishaps and things that were Your Fault but have never before admitted to.
Me? I stole seven quid off my Dad's dressing table when I was 10, then claimed it was saved up pocket money when he asked where I got it. I've been sitting on that guiltily for 17 years.
(, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 19:56, Reply)
Totally inappropriate things to say.The other night, I was having a bit of a manic episode at my boyfriends, and his daughter knows I have severe depression.
She told me I should just go kill myself when her dad and I were arguing.
What inappropriate things have you said/been told?
(
Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Fri 12 Mar 2010, 21:43,
Reply)
Ruining it for everyoneWe were told that we're probably not going to be getting any more plastic cups for the water dispenser, because some muppet tried to make a brew in it, which melted the cup to their desk (there's a paper cup dispenser next to the coffee machine).
How has your/someone elses stupidity ruined something for everyone?
(
Slippery Mick ‏, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 14:23,
Reply)
why?is there something that baffles you beyond reason? what is the one thing that makes you ask "why?"
tell the internets, we really want to know.
(
Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 20:17,
Reply)
Learning to drive/ Driving storiesAfter 3 tests, 1 near hit, & a Frightened driving instructor, I passed my driving test........Tell us your driving stories
(, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 13:16, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)
Unusual phsyical talentsMy mate Steve can squirt saliva through the gap between his front teeth with an audible 'squee' sound. And my pal Stuart can fart to order by somehow sucking air up his arse.
What unusual physical talents do you have or have you seen?
(, Tue 2 Mar 2010, 9:15, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)
Things you do or say with friends that would have everyone think you're insaneI developed a bit of a lol cats addiction a couple of years back (I'm ok now though) which resulted in me rather overusing the phrase "oh no!" and of course deviations thereof including oh noes, oh nose and, occasionally, oh toes. At first it drove my housemates at the time completely insane but has now been adopted as a standard greeting between us so if one of them calls me I'll pick up the phone and say "oh no!" and they'll say "oh no!" back and all messenger type conversations start off with "oh no!", occasionally text messages or voice mails will consist simply of the words "oh no!" and since I still live with one of these guys the standard greeting when someone comes in is for them to shout "oh no!" up the stairs (to which the standard reply is oh no!).
What silly little in jokes have the rest of you got that would make everyone else think that you've just escaped from the local loony bin?
(, Wed 24 Feb 2010, 18:24, Reply)
comedy misunderstandingsmy colleague went to the physio with a sore shoulder last night. he was an obscenely hot kiwi. she mumbled that she thought her sports bra might be pulling on it when she ran because she is quite well-endowed. he said: "how big are they?" her reply: "erm, well, gosh, um, they're not THAT baggy." oh how she really wished she hadn't misheard that one... so go on, let me cheer her up by telling her about your comedy gold mishearings and misunderstandings.
(
rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 24 Feb 2010, 14:29,
Reply)
Sacrifical LambWhat person*/thing/experience have you had to sacrifice 'for the greater good', even though you knew it was going to really, really gnaw away at your insides for years to come?
*not real sacrifices with cauldrons and/or stake burnings, obviously.
(, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 23:27, Reply)
Music to kill yourself tois how my girlfriend describes the work of Elliot smith (he did kill himself in '04 btw.) so i can only listen to it complaint free when she is not around.
My question suggestion is this: what do you get up to when your significant other/boss/kids/twin/gimp/social worker is not around?
(
willenium Fist bump for verification, Sun 21 Feb 2010, 1:22,
3 replies,
latest was 15 years ago)
OverheardHave you noticed the amount of drivel that's talked by the stupid? I know I have; I fear that such wordbombs cannot help but cause collateral damage to the intellect of innocent passers-by. Have you overheard anything recently that made you worry that you might have been left a little less intelligent?
Or maybe you caught half a conversation that wouldn't have been nearly as funny had you heard the other half.
Either way, do tell.
(
Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 21:09,
Reply)
Developing mrsharkaverage's suggestion (a few below this one)What's the worst marketing bollocks you've seen? The sort of thing where the companies are trying to be all informal and friendly. My perpetually ravenous teenage son came in from college earlier so I offered to do him some oven chips. On the cooking instructions, before it even said "Preheat he oven to 200C", it started with the cringeworthy "mmm chips".
How wank is that?
Also, Hellman's mayonnaise where it says "don't freeze me" or something like that.
(
sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 21:05,
3 replies,
latest was 15 years ago)
Food ExperimentsWhether you were skint, high, drunk or just plain bored at the time - what's the strangest meal you've ever constructed in the name of culinary science?
(, Sat 6 Feb 2010, 8:03, Reply)
Weirdest ComplimentI had played a few games of Scrabble(tm) on Facebook with a lady previously unknown to me. There had been sporadic bits of chat. She comes up with "You look the sort of man who could be trusted with a shopping list."
(, Thu 4 Feb 2010, 9:52, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)
Where you live.We've had shit towns QOTW so let's do something slighty different. Why don't you tell us about where you live? what you like about it, what you hate about it, why you moved there, what it's famous for.
(
Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Wed 3 Feb 2010, 15:18,
1 reply,
15 years ago)
IncompetenceA client phoned me this morning and asked me to take some stuff from a Word doc and put it into a presentation for him. I suggested he just copy and paste it. He didn't know what I meant - I had to talk him through it step by step.
The same guy also once phoned me and asked me to do a sum for him. I asked if he didn't have a calculator on his phone? 'Yes, but I can't use it if I'm on the phone to you, can I?'
Tell us about Numpties, work or otherwise.
(, Thu 28 Jan 2010, 10:29, Reply)
How did you get your nameReal name or username. Any interesting stories how you got yours.
Inspired by overhearing a covnersation between 2 school girls about hwo they got named. One said she had no name for the 1st 2 weeks of her life, was just called "The Baby". That was until her mum was watching a daytime chat show and like the name of one of the women with problems on it. Nice one mum!
(
Crap Little Monkey Deathstar, so good they built it twice, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 9:31,
1 reply,
15 years ago)
Retentive AnusI'd like to hear the most anally retentive thing that other people have done, so I know that putting up a laminated plan to maximise space in the morrisons lift for all shoppers going down to parking with their trolleys isn't that bad.
(
Christian's Bolt and Ski, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 14:28,
Reply)
flaccid/sahara inducing things said to you mid-coitustalking during sex is not always the best idea. just recently I've had the startling words "stop looking like you hate me" whispered in my ear, right when I had just started chewing the lemon peel.
(, Sat 12 Dec 2009, 19:37, Reply)
That's not where I woke up........I once woke up on a boat in Bristol harbor. A pub which I wasn't drinking in the night before and the passenger seat of an abandoned car. All on separate occasions you understand.
Where have you woken up, without having any recollection of getting there?
(
The Pollitt chooses to listen to Enya on, Thu 10 Dec 2009, 10:06,
3 replies,
latest was 15 years ago)
Inappropriate Childish AnticsIn a business meeting with a big-wig US boss for a multi-million pound company I decided to sneakily make one guy sitting next to me to fall off his chair, with the awesome result of him almost headbutting the big-wig in the nuts.
When have you let your childishness get the better of you?
(
Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Sun 6 Dec 2009, 9:48,
Reply)
ForeignersThere always weird and smelly. And when you go abroad you're weird and smelly. I once shit myself in Greece because I didn't know the word for toilet and they were too lazy to learn english.
Tell us your stories of bungling foreigners and your fuck ups when you're a foreigner.
(, Thu 19 Nov 2009, 14:47, 4 replies, latest was 15 years ago)
the kindness of strangersA bit of a tonic for all those holiday blues.
When I was young a neighbour that I'd never spoken to before fixed my bike because he saw me trudging home with a flat tyre and felt sorry for me.
Tell us about when someone you didn't know did something nice for you or your own good samaritan deeds, if you feel like gloating.
(, Tue 17 Nov 2009, 21:31, 1 reply, 15 years ago)
They had it coming...Tell us your tales of when you've watched or taken part in the dishing out of a sixpack of cummuppence on some git who quite frankly deserved it?
Or perhaps you've crossed the line yourself and didn't realise it until you were ousted for being the fruity freak that you doubtlessly are?
(Honda Accords optional)
(, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 11:07, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)
Bleach My EyesI once saw a rather large lady getting attention from three drunk fella's in a carpark. Imagine three midgets trying to catch a dinosaur with 6 inch spears and you're still not even close. What horrors have you seen that are burned in your mind forever?
(, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 10:11, 1 reply, 15 years ago)
Missed opportunitiesSome years back I left my mobile phone switched off and missed out on the opportunity to be on the Radio 4 farming programme (I'm rock and roll, me!) and I once almost missed answering a mystery voice quiz on the radio because I was in the loo - I ran out just in time and gave the wrong answer live to the whole county while my knickers were around my ankles.
So what opportunities have you missed or almost missed because you were otherwise occupied?
(
chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 11 Nov 2009, 13:45,
Reply)
Hedonistic debaucheryLife can be pretty dull. But today I spiced things up by purchasing two - count them - TWO, Cadburys Cream Eggs. Might keep one and feed it to the sex gimp I've got living in my attic in exchange for a spot Friday night skat action later...
Put down the wine, the teenage prostitutes, the goat dressed up like Lucy Lawless out of Xena Warrior Princess and tell us about your flagrant acts of wanton hedonistic debauchery.
(
SpankyHanky, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 13:03,
1 reply,
15 years ago)
Hidden talentsWhat's your hidden talent? Do you use it for good or for evil?
Amaze us.
(
Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Wed 4 Nov 2009, 11:32,
2 replies,
latest was 15 years ago)
How did I end up here?Question: how did years of spliffing, boozing and general malarkey end up providing me with a stupendously well paid job?
Or, how did years of hard work, exercise and morally upstanding behaviour make me stuck in this shithole of a 'career'?
Just how DID you get to where you are employment-wise?
(, Mon 2 Nov 2009, 0:49, Reply)
Awkward silencesI went to get my first massage the other day, and my girlfriend and I had been joking about getting a happy ending like Larry David.
So it's a very nice girl and we're chatting away for the first ten minutes of a half hour session, and then, struggling for chat, I ask "Do your fingers not get sore massaging?"
What I actually came out with was "Do your fingers not get sore masturbating? Er I mean masturbating. I mean MASSAGING!"
Awkward silence from her, for the next... twenty... minutes...
¬_¬
(, Sun 1 Nov 2009, 7:10, Reply)
My first car....Tell us about that old banger which you bought for 50p from a suspicious looking man and the delightful adventures you and all who rode in her had.
(, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 12:57, Reply)
They didn't see it comingPractical jokes. Pleeeeeeeease.
(
Hdjejjwsjdjjf LOOK, Sun 18 Oct 2009, 2:07,
Reply)
You are old!I have just caught myself slapping my knee and guffaw-ing whilst watching cartoons.......on a saturday night. When did you realise you were older than your mental vision of yourself?
(, Sat 17 Oct 2009, 23:20, Reply)
HalloweenLast Halloween a few mates and I went on one of those Jack the Ripper walking tours. By the end of the tour half our group had managed to get shitfaced, one had managed to break his wrist, and another had successfully chatted up a pretty Brazilian girlie who turned out to be a man.
And did we see Jack the Ripper? Did we fuck!
Halloween - tell us your tales of this wonderful, mystical, and deeply religious day...
(
SpankyHanky, Wed 7 Oct 2009, 13:24,
Reply)
Stories too bizarre to be true (but actually are)From the pub gob shite to the school liar, everyone knows someone who spins a fancy yarn, but some of these tall tales are actually true.
I once escaped a con man in India, only to be nearly killed by a pack of dogs (three weeks after coming off a motor bike). True i tell ye.
(, Thu 24 Sep 2009, 1:23, Reply)
Breaking StuffA mate of mine was telling me how, while helping his girlfriend move flat, he managed to accidentally drop a sofa out of a 3rd floor landing window.
He failed to see the funny side.
Tell us about your amazing adventures in the fun and exciting world of breaking stuff (Hymen jokes will lead to immediate anal rapeage)...
(
SpankyHanky, Wed 23 Sep 2009, 17:15,
Reply)
gross - but not gross enough to put off a drunken shag....my late friend, richard hughes, was a legend... my fave drunken tale of his related to when he was at a conference in cardiff, he was staying in the student dorm - not sure why, it's what was on offer... to cut a long story short, he pulled a welsh bird and took her back to his room - and there was no toilet, just a hand basin. richard needed go toilet - number 2's - he couldn't be arsed to go down the corridor to the communal loo. so, great romantic that he was and not wanting to spoil the mood, he hopped on the basin and shat in there. but what of the smell? no flush? pah, this was richard hughes - drunken casanova!!! he took his toothbrush and used it to force his stool down the sink and rinsed - then shagged the welsh bird. personally i think it says more about the welsh bird than richard but maybe that's just me???
anyway, what's the grossest thing you've done in front of a prospective partner but not put them off?
(
sir loafalot ended an eon of lurking on, Thu 17 Sep 2009, 17:32,
Reply)
bought and soldI'm gathering up crap for a car boot sale. What's the best thing you've bought or sold?
(
crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 17 Sep 2009, 14:30,
1 reply,
15 years ago)
Urban MythsWhat's the best Urban Myth you've ever posted on an internet messageboard as a true story.
(, Thu 17 Sep 2009, 11:05, Reply)
Also, the other day Mrs SLVA and Idecided to declutter the bedroom and rearrange the furniture. Behind the bed we found one of her t-shirts. It's a shirt she only wears when decorating. We haven't done any decorating in quite a while, so that shirt has been down there for at least 6 months. The texture of the cloth is evidence that the shirt was also used to clean up any post-coital bodily fluids before it was meant to go into the wash basket.
Also, earlier today I moved a bookcase and amongst the cobwebs and dust, I found what I assume is a piece of mummified toast.
So, "How Clean is Your House"?
(
sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 15 Sep 2009, 14:24,
Reply)
Losing it...Someone in our office managed to get barred from the sandwich shop after grabbing the attendant by the throat over a wrongfully processed order.
Tell us about the times you've seen people go loopy in public, or even done so yourself...
(, Mon 14 Sep 2009, 13:40, Reply)
Kid's ever drop you in it?Tell us your story's of kids saying the wrong thing at the wrong time.
(, Tue 8 Sep 2009, 12:16, 1 reply, 16 years ago)
traits that rub offI have 'trained' my little lad so that if my wife nags me he shouts at her: Mummy! Stop giving Daddy a row!
But some things they pick up themselves. Mrs Spimf had to stifle her laughter recently when trying to get him up to bed she was told indignantly 'Shut up woman, I'm sick to death of it'
He's three.
What bad habits have you passed on to others?
(
spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Tue 25 Aug 2009, 1:45,
Reply)
That's when it all started to go wrong.On Wednesday, I was rejected without an interview from the 8th job I've applied for in two months. Half an hour later I was informed I'm going to have to move in a month. To cap it all this morning, I bloke I really like emailed me to tell me that while he was flattered I seemed to like him, that I should be aware that it was never going to happen (*). All in all, it's been a cunt of a week.
Tell me about your triple whammys of depressing news. Or even better, just post pictures of kittens. I like kittens.
(*) to give him some credit he was nicer about it than that.
(, Fri 21 Aug 2009, 13:45, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)
What spaccy "doh!" moment have you had lately?This morning, Bomber cat leaped at the screen in my living room, knocking it out and escaping into the "big bad world". Oh crap, oh crap!
Lock Stealth cat up in the bedrom so he can't escape, and find Bomber under a chair on my patio. Grab the little runt and bring her in and lock her in the bedroom with Stealth.
It's 5 minutes before I have to leave for work, and I'm frantically cutting up a cardboard box to tape over the frame so burglars don't get in....and then, I had an epiphany.
I walked over and closed the window.
(
Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Thu 20 Aug 2009, 21:46,
Reply)
Bad BaitingI hounded my mate so much for being a sad 21 year old virgin that he slept with a streetwalker and subsiquently caught chlamydia.
Tell us of the time you've baited someone into doing something dangerous but hilarious.
(, Tue 18 Aug 2009, 12:25, Reply)
Is it just me or ...?Are there things you do, which you think no one else does? Find out if it is actually very popular or you are the odd weirdo out.
(, Tue 18 Aug 2009, 10:54, 1 reply, 16 years ago)
What I am most proud ofMaybe you saved a tiny kitty from a burning building with just a cheesestring and some post-its, or you went a whole day without a wank.
Just say what you are most proud of.
(, Sat 1 Aug 2009, 15:42, Reply)
NicknamesInspired by this post from the current QOTW:
www.b3ta.com/questions/mobiles/post493518
The origin of your nickname, or those of people you know. There's a lot of funny stories in this. Thanks!
(, Fri 31 Jul 2009, 10:10, 1 reply, 16 years ago)
Projectile weaponsWe've all done it, fired an air rifle at something we shouldn't have done, thrown something at the wrong person and suffered the consequences, projectile vomited in the wrong place.
Tell us your stories.
(
monkeyboyalpha jumping on the bandwagon since, Wed 29 Jul 2009, 8:24,
Reply)
Getting away with itOriginally suggested here but it got overlooked.
What naughty things have you done without getting caught? Tell us all about the times you evaded sweet, merciless justice.
My dad inspired me with his amusing tales of 1950s coal theft, pheasant poaching and neighbourly apple scrumping. Thanks dad!
(
chart cat has an itch, Wed 22 Jul 2009, 8:39,
Reply)
FeudsFrom neighbourly disputes to workplace rivalries, tell us about the feuds that got out of control.
(
flatfrog Staring vacantly into space, Thu 16 Jul 2009, 12:22,
Reply)
Life's Greatest MysteriesWhat are your personal "Life's Greatest Mysteries"
Anything that still astounds/mystifies you. Even things that might have been explained but don't quite cut it in your mind.
From the mundane to the profound.
(, Thu 16 Jul 2009, 5:47, Reply)
A suggestion by Emms Scracci:"What next week - lets take the piss out of cancer patients?"
I'm not entirely sure this is the best idea, personally.
(
Cawl, Wed 8 Jul 2009, 16:30,
3 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
Repeated acts of middling stupidityWhat are those slightly stupid actions that you repeat every day? Stubbing your toe on that awkwardly-placed coffee table? Burning your mouth on hot pepperoni pizza? Disabling your laptop's wifi with the stupidly placed button in the front?
What repeated acts of middling stupidity are you victim of?
(, Tue 7 Jul 2009, 12:45, Reply)
PretentiousnessI have a mate who went off to public school and came back a complete pretentious prick. Tomato ketchup's not good enough for him since he discovered tartar sauce.
Lets collect together our tales of pretentiousness.
(, Mon 6 Jul 2009, 18:45, 1 reply, 16 years ago)
Claim to fameMy most tenuous claim to fame is that my mother-in-law used to work in a Fish & Chip shop that Joe Longthorne used to frequent.
What's your most tenuous caim to fame? The more vague the better; your cousin once fitted a carpet for Barry Took - that sort of thing
(
sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 9:56,
1 reply,
16 years ago)
Techincal FailsThere's a guy my other half works with who, among other things, is convinced that Microsoft have 24 hour access to his computer and mess with it while he's not looking, but insists that he's totally tech-savvy.
Who do you know that just shouldn't be allowed near modern technology?
(, Thu 25 Jun 2009, 12:27, Reply)
Freakish accidentsSubtitled "Dear Christ that hurt". We all know that the pain of others is amusing.
Plus I could explain how padded bike saddles are capable of leaving permanent scars...
(
Hdjejjwsjdjjf LOOK, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 22:45,
Reply)
Your life story.In 100 words or (preferably) less.
(
The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Mon 22 Jun 2009, 19:48,
Reply)
DadsEveryone's got a dad, except those who don't. Some dads are great, some are cunts. Mine's a bit of both.
Let's hear your memories of father figures.
(
Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 17 Jun 2009, 7:53,
4 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
VolunteeringHere's one that's not been done before and could be good.
I learnt how to speak French at a month long conservation holiday in the Pyranees in 1983 - I celebrated my 21st birthday there and my brother turned up on his motorbike specially and spent a noisy night in the big communal dorm with the eldest member of the group.
Several years later, I escaped from Mrs G and newly born Sprog for two weeks footpath repairing in the Lake District and was sorely tempted to be unfaithful.
What have you lovely, giving souls got up to while ostensibly giving of your valuable time for a good cause?
(, Fri 12 Jun 2009, 14:10, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)
Outside the box solutionsI used to have a boss who would distract me for ages whenever I asked even the simplest of questions. To give him the hint he was taking too long, I'd reduce the time it took for my screensaver to appear in the hope he'd be reminded he was taking ages.
So tell us about your hacks, bodges, or any other 'outside the box' ways involving unorthodox thought patterns of solving a problem.
(
mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Mon 1 Jun 2009, 21:36,
3 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
How you've changed as you've gotten older.For example, when I was younger, I didn't even know Ozzy Osbourne used to be in Black Sabbath. Now I'm less young, I have the strong opinion that "if it ain't Ozzy, it ain't Sabbath". How have you changed as the years moved on?
(, Wed 27 May 2009, 17:00, Reply)
Accidents will happen...I once suffered a blood-splattering 'cock-caught-in-zip' calamity that was very difficult to explain to my missus, because not only was I nowhere near a toilet at the time...but also it wasn't actually my own zip that I was stuck in...
We all like to laugh at other people's misfortune - tell us about your 'accidents' and make us all glad to think that no matter how rubbish our own lives are, it could be worse...we could be you.
Then again, maybe having an accident was the best thing that happened to you? Either way - we want to know.
(
Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Wed 27 May 2009, 9:58,
Reply)
Epiphanies.Positive or Negative. Have you ever suddenly just realized how it works? Realized what it's all about? Realized you've left the oven on when you're at work? Tell us about it.
(, Tue 26 May 2009, 16:11, Reply)
something newright . Some friends and I used to do this with often hillarious consequences.. instead of question of the week (or maybe just test it as one week special?) you do a . . . . .wait for it . . .
picture of the week
the idea is you trawl out some picture from the bowels of the routers and present it to the readers... we then compose stories based on and around said picture... points awarded for flair, creativity, catchy prose and suchlike..
ey ? ey ?
(, Thu 21 May 2009, 20:44, 1 reply, 16 years ago)
TheftWe've all stolen something..admit it!
Penny sweets, another persons partner, a baby penguin from the local zoo?
what have you stolen and what happened?
(, Wed 20 May 2009, 15:37, Reply)
The Pros and Cons of HitchhikingLets have your stories about hitchhiking! Have you even been stranded for hours or days, soaking wet & hungry?
Maybe you have met a few pervy types?!
My best one was hitching with my ex up to Durham and a car with a couple in stopped. When they saw we both had fairly big rucksacks they reluctantly opened the boot and revealed several schoolmasters type canes and a book entitles "The Book of Punishments"!!
(
Vambo, Wed 20 May 2009, 15:11,
Reply)
Plans versus reality"Failing to plan is planning to fail" so some cock-munching business-speak goes.
However, in real life, most of the time our plans come to nothing. What's the biggest difference been between a plan you've made (for a career / party / holiday / whatever) and what ended up happening in real life ?
(
I_Was_Mordred, Tue 19 May 2009, 17:45,
1 reply,
16 years ago)
Mother in law storiesCrap comedians from yesteryear were known for their mother-in-law jokes. Tell us your genuine stories - good or bad - about your own in laws.
(, Sat 16 May 2009, 22:54, Reply)
Not sure if it's been done.But your Favourite Memories.
What are they and Why?
(, Fri 15 May 2009, 8:11, Reply)
Becoming an AdultI was thinking about when I finally became a real life adult, and I think it was when I had to make a decision my parents couldn't make, that being to put our pet down.
When did you realise you became an adult?
I know this might leave a few b3tards out, but it's less discriminating than penis stories.
(, Tue 12 May 2009, 15:01, 1 reply, 16 years ago)
Lost in TranslationAbout to spend the summer in Japan, I am frantically trying to Level Up my Japanese to avoid massively offending everyone I meet.
When has your knowledge, or lack thereof, of a foreign language dropped you in it?
(
Soggy, Sun 10 May 2009, 12:05,
Reply)
BulliesWhat poor examples of humanity have you had to put up with, either now or as a child? How did you deal with them?
(, Tue 5 May 2009, 21:04, Reply)
EMERGENCY !!!There you go - run with that fucker...
(
SpankyHanky, Fri 1 May 2009, 15:00,
2 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
One linersLet's keep it succinct. Funny one liners that make you laugh, pithy one liners that make you think, one-line quotes that make an impression on you, memes or catchphrases that instantly conjure up assocations and memories, little poetic works of word art... Anything at all... but all only in one line.
Why not? It'd make a change.
(
warmfuzzies Isn't here, Sat 25 Apr 2009, 0:11,
Reply)
Your first kissI was on vacation in Mexico and a Mexican guy that pulled a cart on a bicycle offered to take me back to my cruise ship for free. When we got there, he asked if I would go to the beach with him for ten minutes, I said no because I may be dumb, but not stupid. The guy said "How about a kiss then?" and then gave me a long, deep kiss, tongue and everything. I went back to the ship. That was my first kiss. I wonder if he caught my cold?
(, Fri 24 Apr 2009, 18:56, Reply)
inappropriatemy brother and i took our older brother's kids (2 and 4) for a run around as they were restless over lunch. the nearest green space was a very pretty old graveyard opposite the pub, so we took them in there. i said something about the tiny door in the church being for children. and my brother, thinking he was joining in, pointed at a tiny gravestone and said:
"and look. there's CHILDREN in there too. children's graves."
they were both still sobbing when we took them back inside...
what have you said that was totally, utterly and completely inappropriate?
(
rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 19 Apr 2009, 16:59,
Reply)
One that were mentioned during this weeks QotWSchool Trips - (almost) everyone had 'em, and almost always carnage ensued.
From inappropriate use of a plastic sword in Barmouth to Groping in lifts in Paris, I've got a sackload of wrong that I could contribute.
(, Thu 16 Apr 2009, 13:29, Reply)
The bane of your life...For me it's looking incredibly young for my age - sounds good to most people but actually involves getting asked for ID into your late twenties and having to explain to new people/clients at work that actually, you're not on work experience thanks very much for asking.
What is the fly in your ointment?
(, Sat 11 Apr 2009, 15:16, 1 reply, 16 years ago)
Wanna Feel Old?In a hackneyed attempted to spam my new blog, I would like to ask people what events and occurrences have happened that have made them feel a lot older than they actually are. Yelled at kids for playing in your garden? Find yourself watching Countdown? Tell us what makes you feel old.
(, Thu 9 Apr 2009, 10:23, Reply)
Shit ! I dropped it.I bet most of us are clumsy idiots and have at some time, with disastrous / comic effect and/or timing dropped something important.
It could be the wedding ring, the baby, the boarding pass, the wrong person's name into the conversation at the wrong time. That sort of thing.
Tell us how your cack-handed body / mind has let you down by dropping something vital just at the wrong time.
(
I_Was_Mordred, Wed 8 Apr 2009, 12:37,
Reply)
Random Acts of DestructionI've just spent the last half hour pulling bits off a photocopier at work trying to fix a paper misfeed. Apparently I've completely fucked it. Killed it dead. My boss is ever-so-slightly pissed off with me.
Tell us about your random acts of destruction.
(
SpankyHanky, Thu 2 Apr 2009, 15:37,
Reply)
HitchhikingMost of us will have done it, No3l still does. So what are your stories? Scary? Funny? Heartwarming (on b3ta?)? My best memory is bittersweet, dumped form a lorry in the middle of nowhere (countryside near Flamborough Head) and almost straightaway picked up by a racehorse trainer in a Lotus Europa. Who got the apprentice jockey to sit on the shelf behind the seats so he could give me a lift. Good times.
(, Tue 31 Mar 2009, 10:42, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)
Social GaffsOne time I was in a West Indian social club with my black mate, Dan. The Spice Girls came on the stereo, being pissed I stood up, did the hand sign, got my words mixed up and declared: "White power!" Before promptly falling back in my seat.
I thought I was going to die.
Tell us about your social gaffs, extra points for life-threatening situations, or posts including beastiality.
(
SpankyHanky, Tue 31 Mar 2009, 9:00,
Reply)
LAST!How about we have a whole week of different and exciting 'Last' posts, or a week of 'My God The QOTW is boring' posts, and then maybe the dull idiots who have nothing better to do might go the fuck away.
Another Idea:
"Why my life is so boring that I resort to moaning about content of a free website in a poorly thought out and badly spelled manner, thereby consistently watering down the quality of the content further. I have no stories to tell or any tangible talent, but hey, I won't let that stop me, for I am a dull, self involved, twat."
There. That's definitely one to go with.
To clarify, I'm not having a go at the Mods. I'm having a go at the people who are the reason that others think QOTW is shit.
(
Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Mon 30 Mar 2009, 18:48,
4 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
shit question of the week suggestionswhat's the most tedious, self-interested, pointless qotw suggestion you can think of??
certainly seems to have motivated a few successful ones recently.....
(
sir loafalot ended an eon of lurking on, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 17:32,
Reply)
Whinging/complainingEveryone has been whinging about the quality of the questions for weeks already. So why don't we hear some funny recollections of their all-time best complaint. The best all-out tirade against someone who may have deserved it.
Like the time I told someone to fuck off. FTW!
(, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 13:07, Reply)
...and then it didn't happen.Kind of self-explanatory really.
A couple of years back, I was asked by one of my teachers to help with setting up a proper community sports club - he asked for my help because, essentially, he was enthusiastic but I was (and am) much better and more knowledgeable about that sport. It was a great deal for me - we had applied for lottery funding which, as the only applicant in that category, we were a dead cert for. I was going to get use of a metric shitload of equipment, a free instructor course etc. etc.
The day we were due to find out if we had got the money/get the money, we found out that it had been embezzled.
And that was the end of that.
(
Hdjejjwsjdjjf LOOK, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 4:07,
Reply)
Unsupervised holidaysWhen have you decided that this year, for some reason, you just don't fancy going to the trailer park in Skegness with mum and dad? Where did you go, who with, and how did you escape alive?
(
Hdjejjwsjdjjf LOOK, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 4:00,
Reply)
SEX TOYS.Come on, I know you've got it in you.
(, Thu 26 Mar 2009, 17:03, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)
Pissups in BreweriesAt my Chinese university, organisation is of a pisspoor standard; examples include no campus tour on arrival in September, being given the handbook for settling into this remote city about a month after arrival, by which time we'd figured most of it out by word of mouth, the timetable for this semester changing almost weekly because one teacher is away or another has replaced them, and class outings to culturally interesting places planned with almost no warning whatsoever (yet they are surprised when no one can make it).
At the Chinese post office I can't send items if I've written the address in red ink, you can't pack a parcel at home it must be done in the post office in front of them because theyve never heard of X-rays, there's only an "international" counter in two post offices in a city of 3 million people, and you can't send anything other than letters inside an envelope (I tried sending two slim felt pens once but was told I would need a box). They say these are their "regulations" but I've never seen them written down anywhere.
Oh and the woman sneezes down herself and any mail in front of heron a regular basis but apparently *that's* allowed.
What tales of bureaucracy and epic mismanagement have you encountered?
(if this gets chosen feel free to shorten it a bit, i went ranty. ta)
(, Thu 26 Mar 2009, 6:53, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)
An unfunny one, but full of hidden depths...Tell us your stories of unrequited love... Who, where, what and why and how it ended. Prove to the world there can be a happy ending (or otherwise!)
(, Wed 25 Mar 2009, 15:52, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)
Shite servicebindun?
I once paid a fortune for a lovely basket of flowers for my mother in hospital, coughing up extra for pre-operation delivery.
I'd picked it out of the Interflora catalogue so couldn't tell how big it was, but found on visiting her that it was about the size of a teacup!
When I complained the florist sniffed that I'd chosen it myself so it was my own fault. I started gibbering with rage and she eventually shoved a placatory bunch of chrysanths at me and bundled out of the shop. Gutted.
(, Sun 22 Mar 2009, 14:13, Reply)
You're going home in a fucking ambulance!We've all been in accidents. Some of us have even been injured quite badly. So go on, share your stomach-churning, ball-tightening, teetch-clenching tales of injury with us.
(
Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 11:58,
Reply)
Perfect timing…When fate’s fickle folly falls at your feet and you couldn’t have planned it any better.
What has happened to you as a consequence of being at the 'right place at the right time?'
...or better yet, the wrong place at the wrong time?
(
Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 19 Mar 2009, 10:34,
1 reply,
16 years ago)
In the name of loveI starved for 48 hours, got burnt hands and a giant needle inserted in a vein, all to help my girlfriend with an experiment for her research. What have you done in the name of love?
(, Wed 18 Mar 2009, 21:50, Reply)
Collective forgettingWhen I was on holiday with my mum when I was 16, she ate some dodgy mussels in a restaurant and on the walk back to the hotel I had to hold a coat to cover her up from the gaze of assorted winos as she took an impromptu dump in the doorway of a San Francisco convenience store.
Tell us about the moments that were so awkward/horrid, they're never spoken of...
(, Wed 18 Mar 2009, 13:54, Reply)
problem areasRecetly, I heard a commotion outside my house. I went outside to find the fire brigade parked up and a fireman hosing down a small fire on the grass verge by the road.
On closer inspection, it appeared someone had torched a child's pedal-car.
What outrageous things have convinced you it's time to find a less vibrant neighbourhood?
(
sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 18 Mar 2009, 1:21,
Reply)
UnqualifiedI once stole my mates Golf, for a laugh, was going to drive it round the corner and tell him someone had knicked it. Unfortunately, it seemed to have slipped my mind I can't drive. The car did a kangaroo jump and rammed into the back of the Nissan parked in front.
What are your exploits in the realm of the unqualified?
(
SpankyHanky, Tue 17 Mar 2009, 13:36,
Reply)
Close shavesI once came close to working for Anne Widdecombe.
What narrow escapes have you had?
(
Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 13 Mar 2009, 11:33,
3 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
Falling through the bar....Tell us about those times you've tried to look cool, and made a wazzock of yourself.
(, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 9:40, Reply)
Road trips gone wrongWe once wound up going to see a "stripper" on a road trip. The place didnt look like a strip joint but we went in anyway.
turns out one of our mates had conned us to pay for him to shag a hooker and we watched...
it wasnt sexy or pretty.
what has gone wrong on your road trips? No Eurotrip stories please.. wankers.
(, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 13:46, Reply)
SerendipityBasicaly when you find something realy good by accident, usualy when looking for something else entirely. I couldn't see that anyone has posted this as a question, and I think that it might get some good awnsers...
(, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 13:07, Reply)
Great Things You Never Did.Pre internet, me and my mate Ian were going to buy an old ice cream van and start a business selling porn from it.
We were going to call it 'Mr Stiffy'.
Couldn't raise the funds and were, frankly too fucking lazy for it.
The Hebden Bridge remake of 'Zulu'
'Lesbians. Faaaaasands of 'em'.
(
Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 21:42,
Reply)
what makes you angrier than anything?its a bit average but ive just started working for the met and there are people out there you just wouldnt believe....
(, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 11:05, 1 reply, 16 years ago)
We're living through one of the most definitive times in modern history.So my question is simply this:
What were you doing during a key event in national/global history?
(, Wed 25 Feb 2009, 20:28, Reply)
RumoursI once told the cousin of a friend of mine that I was so desperate for a shag that I had just ordered a mail-order Thai bride. This guy being Indian and not so familiar with the British sense of humour didn’t realise I was joking. Consequently, he told a friend, who told another friend and so on…. some time later I was confronted and asked outright if this was true that I had indeed ordered a “Ting-Tong” of my own? Apparently this story had been doing the rounds for the best part of a year. Whenever I turned up at a party, people would talk in hushed tones just out of earshot- “Is that the guy who?” “Is he the one that?” and so on.
So my question is what rumours have other people spread about you?
(, Tue 24 Feb 2009, 15:02, Reply)
FantasiesLast night my Mrs asked me if I had any sexual fantasies. So after thinking for a while, I went on to tell her in lurid detail about the outfits and uniforms that would turn me on, the whips, chains, car batteries, torture, masks, third, fourth and maybe even fifth parties getting involved, and of course, porn.
She thought I was kidding. What are your fantasies?
(
Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 24 Feb 2009, 8:26,
3 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
Obscure pub truthsI have a friend who knows about everything. I know about lots of things too, including the fact that I'm not really sure anymore if I know about them or am making it up, like my mate does. What minutiae or random facts do you 'know'? Is it true?
May I remind you of the possibility of being challenged on said fact?
Minus points for wikipedia usage.
(
Jimbuktu See? Right here, Mon 23 Feb 2009, 23:46,
1 reply,
16 years ago)
I cant belive they let me do that...Cleaning out the attic led to the discovery of some oily, rusty and broken car parts.
When I was about 8 myself and my best mate would go and hunt around the local garages to find broken bits of old cars. The logic being that soon we would be able to build our own car and could drive to school making us the coolest kids evar!
Bless my mum for letting me come home with oily rubbish and keep it in my room.
(
willenium Fist bump for verification, Sun 22 Feb 2009, 11:50,
Reply)
Hey, teacher, leave them kids aloneNot molestation stories - When I was at school we were taught that different areas of the tongue taste different flavours. At university, I learnt that this is complete bollocks. What pointless lies were crammed down your throat at school?
(, Sun 15 Feb 2009, 16:55, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)
"I'm not mad at you, I'm just disappointed"The ultimate parental guilt trip.
What did you do to make maw and paw utter this immortal phrase?
(, Thu 12 Feb 2009, 13:06, Reply)
Pulls your heart stringsI was at the school play at my daughter's primary school a few years back when the headteacher came on at the end and said how they were twinned with another school in Sri Lanka which had being washed away in the 2004 tsunami.
So the school had a big fundraising and managed to send off £1000 which at the time was about 250,000 rupees and in Sri Lanka that was as much money as it sounds. The Sri Lankan headteacher managed to rebuild the full school with it and would write back twice a week about how the school had usable classrooms and he'd bought new desks and books and so on.
What brings a lump to your throat? No points for deep-throat stories.
(
sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 10 Feb 2009, 9:38,
1 reply,
16 years ago)
Personal HygieneWhen I clambered into the shower this morning, I discovered Ms Hanky had left a fine, fluffy carpet of pubes all over the place from her electic razor.
I'm now very clean, but can't help feeling I've got most of her muff stuck to the soles of my feet.
Tell us your personal hygiene mishaps...
(
SpankyHanky, Wed 4 Feb 2009, 9:24,
Reply)
Can't tell the truth....Things you'd love to say to people but you can't live with the consequences. For instance: my wife is really shit at....naah, I'd better not say it. Only if this becomes the QOTW.
Mort
(, Tue 3 Feb 2009, 2:24, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)
I'm not a nutter, honestly.I'm sure there's a few around for this. What have you done/what situation have you ended up in that's been so bizarre that you just know you're never going to be able to explain it to the person or people watching?
Highlights for me include burying a houseplant at sea.
(
Hdjejjwsjdjjf LOOK, Sat 31 Jan 2009, 21:40,
1 reply,
16 years ago)
Workplace romancesI can never be employed again in a certain department again because I was involved with too many of the people there. In my defense, I was there for a number of years and three of these were long term relationships. Nonetheless, they're never going to reemploy a strumpet like me.
Tell us your workplace romance stories: good, bad, and hiding under your desk and trying to staple your brains out to get away from them.
(
crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 26 Jan 2009, 1:09,
Reply)
Inventive Parenting...What's the most creative thing your parents ever did in an attempt to normalise their spawn?
My friend discovered spitting when he was about five. Daddy being the army type was away on a 6 month tour leaving my delightful chum to perfect his art in both aim and quantity. His Mum is the ineffectual "There's nothing wrong with my little boy" type so failed miserably in trying to curtail this new talent.
Cue Sergeant Dad arriving home from being pounded by ragheads or some such heathen somewhere far away. On his first evening back home, in full dress uniform, he sees his first born spitting on the kitchen floor and expresses his disapproval. To which my dear friend replied with a display of his own disapproval by spitting on Sergeant Dad's shiney shoes.
Cue Sergeant Dad picking up his cherub to face-to-face height, calling up all phlegm reserves and spitting full force into his son's face.
I heart Sergeant Dad.
(, Sun 18 Jan 2009, 23:30, 1 reply, 16 years ago)
Honesty is the best policy?I called my internet company today and it turns out I'd fallen through the system - I was set up but there was no way for me to be billed for it, so I was getting completely free interwebs. Now they know about it, of course, and I'm back to paying for it like everyone else.
Have you been too honest for your own good? Said something when staying quiet would have been a far more senible option? Of course you have.
(
emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 16 Jan 2009, 15:35,
1 reply,
16 years ago)
Unbelievable wealthHow tasteless would you get, and how awfully would you behave, if you won this suggested $260 million lottery?
Gold-plated yacht? Diamond-studded Gulfstream? Scatter gold objects in front of chavs and laugh while they scrabble?
(I think I'd give up on good manners - instead of asking for something I'd just point at it and scream.)
(, Mon 12 Jan 2009, 0:34, Reply)
"...I said PULL IT HARDER AND IT'LL COME OFF IN YOUR HAND!"...just as the room went silent. Hundreds of eyes, staring at me, wondering what kind of foul perversion I was yelling about.
When have you wanted the Earth to swallow you whole?
(
Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 8 Jan 2009, 11:50,
1 reply,
16 years ago)
Surreal moment'Oh. This is happening now, is it?'
Ever had an almost out-of-body moment, when you realise that what's happening to you is utterly, utterly surreal?
I once found myself following my police escort to Luxor, atop a Harley Davidson, as a guest of the Egyptian government. Hotel California was playing on the stereo as the sirens blared.
I can't quite explain how my life led up to that point...
(, Wed 7 Jan 2009, 16:56, 1 reply, 16 years ago)
The AftermathA friend of mine once woke up after a heavy night drinking in the back garden of some ones house, upon escaping to the street and asking the way to the center of the city he lived he was told he was a 2 hour walk away. He still has no idea how he got there.
Tell us about the aftermath to parties, nights out, etc.
(, Mon 5 Jan 2009, 21:58, Reply)
Just.Answer.The.Question.Please.In work recently, I asked a manager a fairly harmless question , not particularly contentious ( unusually for me ) ... 5 minutes of 'I can speak like this all day if I have to' ramble later, I was none the wiser.
If you were guaranteed the TRUTH, what question would you ask? To who(m?)? and Why?
(yeah, yeah , I needed 3 questions to ask that - I know )
(, Thu 18 Dec 2008, 23:39, Reply)
The Office Xmas Party...That, Mr Anderson, is the sound of....inevitability. Or perhaps vomitting.
I've spent the last few days listening to the tales of joy and woe that my colleagues have brought forth from that timeless institution, the Office Xmas Party. Some have made me weep with laughter, others just made me weep.
Tell us your tales of partyness, and let us live vicariously through them.
(, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 11:58, Reply)
Addiction!Needn't be drugs or booze.
I think I've become a gym addict. I have a cold and won't be able to go for a few days now and it's bloody killing me.
What is it that you just can't stop doing, having or needing.
(
girlinthehole, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 15:18,
Reply)
Happy New Year!Or is it?
Does the forced enjoyment of New Year's Eve, the countdown, the linking of arms and singing of a song noone knows the words to, fill you with year-end dread?
Or have you had some brilliant parties and great memories of Dec 31st?
Tell us your New Year stories.
(
Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 5 Dec 2008, 9:57,
4 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
Quick WittedMost of the time, it's an hour after the event when you think of the perfect response, or someone else jumps on the perfect punchline. But what about the times you've snapped up the flashy line? Tell us the greatest one-liner you've used to turn an ordinary conversation into laughter and respect.
(
Awesome Welles petitioning for foetuses to be rebranded 'wombles', Sun 30 Nov 2008, 19:58,
2 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
OCDWith something like 1 in 3 people suffering with OCD, there must be a hell of a lot of B3TAns with some weird and wonderful OCDisms.
Tell us yours, and I might tell you mine.
EDIT: go for the lock-in one - that would be funny.
(, Thu 27 Nov 2008, 17:56, Reply)
Creepiest Work Associatethe guy who stares at the pretty young girl all day every day, or the one who KNOWS WHERE YOU LIVE, even though you never told them.
(, Thu 27 Nov 2008, 14:02, Reply)
Things you shouldn't have laughed at, but did...Coming out of the local last weekend, my mate wanted a kebab, so he ran across the road and got run over by a big merc...He saw it coming at the last second and jumped, and ended up smashing the windscreen...The driver got out and was arguing with him about paying for the windscreen, my mate told him to fuck off and turned to run off and got run over again.
Even the merc driver was pissing himself.
(, Tue 25 Nov 2008, 16:16, 1 reply, 16 years ago)
The nights are drawing in,the Christmas lights are on, there's that little touch of magic in the air.
Bearing this in mind, tell us your tales of Christmas fuelled rage. Did you ever fight over a Teletubby? Ever launched a Turkey as a weapon? Ever spent a Christmas in prison with a face full of bruises and a gut full of Stella?
Spread the Christmas cheers!
(, Mon 24 Nov 2008, 20:32, Reply)
Lock insWith the days of 24 hour drinking, fighting and fucking in the street the days of the Lock In are, on the whole, gone.
Tell us about your Lock In memories.
I had a Lock In at a bar I worked in. There were about 10 of us and we drank ALL the spirits.
(
Mrs Entity is in hiding., Fri 21 Nov 2008, 11:40,
3 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
ladies and gentlemenI give you...
The b3ta awards
I want everyone to vote for their best b3ta story told so far, whats your favourite, which one made you piss your pants, which one made you cry, and so on
I think the very best stories should be publised in a book availible very soon at WHSmith
(, Sun 16 Nov 2008, 11:39, Reply)
LazynessThe other night I woke up feeling really ill and needed to puke badly. Except I couldnt be bothered to go to the bathroom. Instead I exploded all over the bedroom in a view of cleaning it up the next morning.
Tell us about your utter lazyness or other peoples lazyness.
(, Tue 11 Nov 2008, 18:34, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)
CringingWhat have you done in the past that when you think back, you contort with cringiness and go ngnarr.
In a job years ago, the field sales supervisor was leaving, and some old pics of her were brought out from well before I started.
Although she had a decent figure, she'd lost a shedload of weight as looking at the pics, she must've been a good 15 stone (210 pounds).
I uttered 'fuck me, is that you?'.
The 'fuck me' bit was meant to be under my breath, however I said it out loud, and as soon as I realised, I stopped before the 'is that you?' bit.
So now everyone is looking at me wondering why I'd just exclaimed 'Fuck me!' when she dug out some fat pics.
I am currently cringing as if someone's dragging a steel gauntlet down a blackboard, and my kids want to know why I'm biting my fist and going ngarr.
(
sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 10 Nov 2008, 18:32,
1 reply,
16 years ago)
Threesome storiesDisasters, triumphs, you know the whole shindig.
We haven't had a sexy question for a while.
(originally suggested by crackhouseceilidhband)
(
Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 7 Nov 2008, 11:50,
5 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
Ambitions.Fulfilled ambitions. Me? I’ve scored a goal at Wembley in front of about 40,000 people (donkeys years back when our school won a tournament to play before an England School-Boy International – Roderick Thomas was the ‘star’ England player at the time!) Which was brilliant, ‘cos at that age, it wasn’t an ambition, I think I wanted to live in Hazzard County then, but looking back…
My friend Joanne fulfilled an ambition by taking part in the world Custard Pie (throwing) Championship. Her team lost in the second round to a load of cross-dressing doctors.
What have you always wanted to do – and have you done it yet? If not, how close to achieving your ambition are you – or were you denied the opportunity owing to great misfortune?
Mullered.
(
JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 31 Oct 2008, 11:28,
Reply)
Your MumAs this is the /ac answer to so much why not tell us all about your mum.
My money is on Devil in Tights to win.
(
chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 30 Oct 2008, 15:11,
Reply)
Inappropriate day-dreaming...It has to be said that in the middle of a two-hour meeting on the latest changes to the minutae of my companies' online brand guidelines, I found my mind wandering.
I was happily roughing out ideas for a book in my head (Steampunk fiction, if you must know), when I suddenly became aware of people looking intently at me. I then realised that I'd muttered something aloud and they had though it was a pertinent question...a quick coughing fit and a random stab at something relevant later and I looked like a spacktard, but didn't get fired for pondering how Airship-to-Airship piracy might be carried out...).
What was the last thing you were caught out daydreaming about and were you more successful than I was in getting away with it?
(, Thu 30 Oct 2008, 14:56, Reply)
Failures of humanityWhen Ken Livingstone was going to extend the congestion charge in to West London, one woman appeared on the local news complaining that "It'll cost me £8 just to drive a mile to the gym!"
What makes you despair for the future of the human race?
(, Wed 29 Oct 2008, 17:50, 1 reply, 16 years ago)
RedoDad jokes, it's about 5 years since it was originally asked, and there are a hell of a lot more subscribers and viewers since then (and I still think it was one of the best questions). Remember - No fucking ice cream vans!
(
social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Wed 29 Oct 2008, 14:59,
Reply)
Eco-cuntsWork took away our water cooler because it was "bad for the environment and we want to be carbon neutral". 80% of the employees now buy bottled water and there are no facilities for plastic recycling.
What have the eco-worriers done to make your planet a little less enjoyable?
(
crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 28 Oct 2008, 14:03,
1 reply,
16 years ago)
amateur science!we've all tried to do something sciency in our sheds,back-gardens or cupboards,in the hope of winning a nobel prize or becoming rich!
'tis true
(, Sat 25 Oct 2008, 23:51, Reply)
Your sex ed lessonI can remember our first - and only - lesson. A video of a family playing a game (volleyball?) on a beach. I'm desperate to find it online so I can see if it's still as hilarious 20 years on.
What did your school teach you to expect from The Deed?
(, Thu 23 Oct 2008, 16:10, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)
More zombie madnessSo, zombies are here and they're here to stay chewing their way through every last one of you.
What do you do? Last party before the world ends? Get yourself a shotgun and a machete and go out blazing? Or get yourself to a place where no human has ever set foot and set up a new "pure" settlement.
Tell uncle B3ta what you think would really happen should the undead come back for a 6 billion course at your expense.
(, Thu 23 Oct 2008, 16:06, 1 reply, 16 years ago)
Great business ideasBrought to mind by the great Han lolly that was FP'd today. Anyone else want to share their ideas that would make them millionaires if they could only be arsed to do them?
(
flatfrog Staring vacantly into space, Tue 21 Oct 2008, 21:24,
1 reply,
16 years ago)
Personal superstitionsHave we had that?
I can't be doing with angels, having been brought up to see them as people who've died and 'gone to be an angel'.
Hearing people call children 'little angels' fills me with dread - seemed like tempting fate.
When my kids were in school Nativity plays, it took all my strength to prevent myself from storming the stage, ripping off the little angels' wings and shouting at their parents 'Are you MAD? Don't you KNOW how dangerous this is?'
(, Wed 15 Oct 2008, 15:29, Reply)
AdviceI for one will be making my two teenage lads read the Spoilt Brats QOTW so they will know the signs of a spoilt bitch who will make their lives a misery and thus get out while they still can.
What good solid advice can you offer your/someone else's kids? Be that sage that will make the next generation a more enlightened society that won't make the same mistakes you have.
(
sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 14 Oct 2008, 1:27,
Reply)
My filthy habitI like a good ol' rummage around in the nostrils as much as the next guy, and who can resist picking and eating scabs?
What are your filthy habits?
(
Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Mon 6 Oct 2008, 17:01,
Reply)
Q:What is the worst/most stupid thing you have said to someone/they have said to you whilst chatting them up?
This is what happened to me:
Her: "you look like my brother"
Me : "wow thanks..."
Her: "no, that's totally cool 'cos I fancy my brother!!"
Me : "uh..."
(
Schweaty Minge I spunked in your tea! Taste it and see! D:, Fri 3 Oct 2008, 13:53,
Reply)
Defining momentsI think everyone has a moment that they remember above everything else. Some paradigm shift that really changed them as a person, or some realisation that they will always remember. I know I have.
Tell us your stories.
(
Hdjejjwsjdjjf LOOK, Mon 29 Sep 2008, 0:08,
1 reply,
16 years ago)
Best friends gone wrongFriends do cuntish things to each other at times, I know someone who sent pictures of his best friend doing cocaine to his mother!
Tell us the meanest thing a best mate has done to you, to you to them.
(, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 13:11, Reply)
I just noticedthat on one of this week's QOTW posts there is a sporting debate about the (de)merits of football (both the UK and US versions). This has shocked me - perhaps it was near-sighted of me but b3tans never struck me as the sports debate type. So fuck it - how about we here some rip-roaring sporting anecdotes from everyone?
(, Wed 24 Sep 2008, 18:19, Reply)
what's the nicest thing that's ever happened to you?Go on - we could all do with cheering up sometimes.
(, Tue 23 Sep 2008, 20:36, Reply)
Amusing violenceI once went to a halloween party dressed as Jesus (I had long hair, wore a old bedsheet for robes, red hair dye for nail holes and used sparklers as a crown of thorns.
I got in a fight with a bloke dressed as the Devil. It only lasted a few punches until we realised how ridiculous this must have looked so we tootled off for a beer together.
(
SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Thu 18 Sep 2008, 13:59,
Reply)
The things that only you notice(or you think you do)
Haven't really got an answer, and would probably be a rubbish qotw.
Waste of a post really...
(, Tue 16 Sep 2008, 11:44, Reply)
Drunk at workHave you ever been drunk at work? What crazy shenanigans did you get up to? Did you tell your boss to stick it, or create some havoc? Last time I drank at work, I crashed my car through a steel pole (shattering the windscreen), resigned (screaming FUCK YOU!!!! with two fingers up), reversed into a bollard, averaged 80 on the way home with blue lights on the horizon and lived to tell the tale ...
How about you?
(Am now a boring IT spannermonkey, but back in the day...)
EDIT: All true. Hail to the length.
(, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 17:33, 1 reply, 16 years ago)
How about -what's your favourite system for replying to things on b3ta? Me, I favour the linear way. Why? BECAUSE IT'S BETTER. Meh.
(
crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 13:03,
3 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
What about 'flatmate hell'?The worst co-living experiences for flat share mongrels like me?
Bindun?
(, Thu 11 Sep 2008, 11:33, 1 reply, 16 years ago)
Special OlympicsThe UK has done great at the olympics blah blah, but what if there were a special olympics that featured you, with your amazingly unique talent.
I personally would get a gold medal in the Spolympics for Ikea furniture assembly. I am the master that knows no equal. I even have an electric screwdriver.
(, Wed 27 Aug 2008, 18:50, Reply)
What have you gotten away with?What stupid things have you done and gotten away with? I would tell you, but I haven't got caught yet.
(, Wed 27 Aug 2008, 18:14, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
annoying adsor commercials, for our american brethren(and sistren).
it was a hubba bubba ad that made me want to smash my telly. i don't care what they said, there's NO SUCH WORD AS FUNBELIEVABUBBLE!
*seethe*
what ads have cheesed you off and why?
(
Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Mon 25 Aug 2008, 14:57,
3 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
Lets have something nice for a change.What has been the best day of your life so far?
Please try to be more original than wedding day or the birth of your children.
(
Mrs Entity is in hiding., Mon 25 Aug 2008, 1:01,
Reply)
Foot-in-mouth diseaseClangers that you or others have dropped. Example:
My manager, not known for her people skills, started a meeting the other day with a bit of a ramble, and then said "That's my warm and fuzzy opening, now I'm going to open it up to others..."
(, Thu 21 Aug 2008, 10:58, Reply)
Gig StoriesInspired by Vipros' post here.
What's the best/worst gig you've ever been to?
Have you any memorable hard-rocking tales of:
Recieving sexual pleasure in the crowd?
Sneaking backstage?
Massive amounts of drunken tit-ery?
(
Cawl, Wed 20 Aug 2008, 15:19,
Reply)
Unpopular OpinionsWe've all got them - opinions against the norm.
For instance, I genuinely still think they'll find Maddie alive, I feel sorry for her parents and I don't believe they killed her, which definitely puts me in the minority online. It also pisses me off how many jokes there are about her - even my Mum has told me a Maddie joke for fuck sake! Fucking everyone is making a joke out of a missing child - am I the only one to think that's a bit wrong? Is it just me?
So, what do you want to get off your chest? Don't be afraid to be unpopular - let's see the sparks fly!
(, Wed 20 Aug 2008, 4:55, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
Game movies they should have made...We all love the celluloid masterpiece that is "Street Fighter". Those three thespian heavyweights - Van Damme, Minogue and that bloke from the Adams Family - showing the world how to deliver dialogue and and wear silly outfits. Crappy as it may be, I find myself hypnotically drawn to watch it whenever I see it on.
The Silent Hill movie was ok, but Doom sucked. I'd love to see a movie of Flight of The Amazon Queen and maybe even Monkey Island.
What games would you like to see made into movies and who would you cast?
(, Thu 14 Aug 2008, 16:58, 3 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
Badly written pr0nGet creative, the worse the metaphors the better.
"like a seal sliding majestically into its breathing hole he entererd her previously arctic waters!"
This one's for you Chickenlady!
(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 14 Aug 2008, 16:14,
7 replies,
latest was 17 years ago)
Hospital StoriesWe've all been in hospitals, either visiting or staying.
Im sure there must be some good stories out there.
Had the wrong leg amputated?
Enjoyed the hospital food?
Chatted up the nurses?
(, Thu 14 Aug 2008, 15:55, Reply)
Self pollutionEveryone's had the conversation "Where's the most unusual place you've had sex?" but I've never had the conversation "Where's the most unusual place you've had a wank?".
So where's the most random place you've knocked one out? Did you get caught? If so through 'evidence' or in the act?
Only wankers must apply.
(, Mon 4 Aug 2008, 19:51, Reply)
Brush with the lawI was out one night having a few drinks when before I even knew what had happened I was lying face down in field next to a blazing inferno while the cops read me the riot act and the fire brigade tackled the blaze. On waking up in the morning I was passport-less, hung over, in a jail cell and in possession of a subpoena to appear in court.
What sort of brushes have you had with the law?
(, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 17:33, Reply)
Amazing DiscoveriesWhen I was about 13 or 14, I had a huge crush on my mate's mother (who, in all fairness, was hotter than a vindaloo cooked on the surface of the sun). So one day, when around his house, we were having a rummage around because we were bored, and we came across his parent's secret private nudey photo collection.
As a 13 year old boy, I was in hog's heaven. It was like finding the motherlode. Pun intentional. A whole collection of nudey pics of the woman I had been fantasising about for days! Possibly even a week! My mate on the other hand wasn't as impressed by the nudey pics of his mother...can't imagine why
(
Damocles wants no part of your debauchery, Mon 28 Jul 2008, 17:26,
Reply)
Things I Thought I SawHave you ever seen things and mistaken them for something else? I have. I was driving home from work late one night last week. It’s a long drive through the country, and it was getting dark. This is what I thought I saw:
A 10-foot meerkat (it was a tree stump)
A small red-faced snowman wearing a top hat (it was a thin reflecty bollard with a poster fixed to it about a third of the way down)
Some white rabbits playing musical statues (they were stones on someone’s verge)
A giant pair of trousers and a chair (it was a ruin on a hillside in silhouette)
A dead angler in the River Tweed (it’s been there a fortnight, I think it’s just a bit of wood)
A herd of penguins (again, bollards)
About a million frogs on the road (nope, just leaves. Didn’t stop me squealing every time I ran over one though)
(, Sat 26 Jul 2008, 11:37, 3 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
Utopian B3TAN SocietyWhats your prediction for the future with a B3tan society?
My prediction is fairly mundane: Rob becoming an MP and recruiting from with the ranks of b3ta to become the dominant political party in the UK. American tentacles forming to rival the RepDems as they become known.
Rob eventually crushing us all with the weight of internet memes and the end... well thats when the lolcats take over
(, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 19:56, Reply)
Moments when you wish the earth would just swallow you upYou know the embarrasing situations you sometimes find yourself in where there is no way of backing out of them simply.
Once in a mate's house we came across his sister's magic kit which contained 'magical items' such as rope, a magicians hat and a wand. Instead of testing them out my friends instead decided to sellotape the hat to my head, tie my hands and feet together with the rope while still managing to prop the wand in my hand completing the oufit.
Now you may be asking what is so embarasing about this well I forgot to mention that my mates parents were out at this time and were due to arrive home soon with the rest of the family. So there I was tied up in the living room dressed up as a magican feeling like a massive twat when the whole family walked in providing them all with a laugh at my expense
(, Wed 23 Jul 2008, 18:26, Reply)
DreamsWe all have funny, disturbing, or just plain old weird dreams now and again.
Tell us yours.
(, Tue 22 Jul 2008, 9:35, 3 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
When I was about 8Me and two boys from school used to go and secretly steal the sweets that the music teacher kept on her piano. Back then I was a good, obedient girl, and when the day finally came that we were called to the headmasters office I broke down and cried, as I was surely going to be sent to prison.
What actually happened was that I was told off, my parents were informed, and that was it. But the shame lasted for a very long time.
We all remember that embarassment that you can only experience as a kid. What was your worst childhood moment of shame?
(
Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Mon 21 Jul 2008, 20:37,
Reply)
Because it's almost inevitableAfter the "books that changed your life" and the current "bestest films ever!" I'm going to suggest "best songs ever/songs that changed your life" purely because in a month or so we'll get it anyway, and I want to claim I said it first.
It's at this point I realise that somebody's probably already suggested it. Ho hum.
(, Sat 19 Jul 2008, 21:26, 3 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
Foot in mouth disease...Do you have a habit of launching a vitriolic verbal assault on someone only to discover that the person your ranting at is closely related to the one you're ranting about?
Tell us your tales of putting your foot in your mouth, and your efforts to dig yourself out of your self made grave.
(
Moey, Fri 18 Jul 2008, 17:02,
3 replies,
latest was 17 years ago)
It'll be hard to beat this weeks one...But i think we should try. Perhaps something like 'my favourite colour' or something equally riveting like 'Why I called my cat Boris and other interesting stories'.
(, Thu 17 Jul 2008, 16:26, 1 reply, 17 years ago)
What is your B3ta persona?Do you even have one or are you more of a what you see is what you get kind of B3tard.
In real life I am not a sex crazed daft bint who's obsessed with her weight and wrinkles.
(
girlinthehole, Thu 17 Jul 2008, 11:24,
6 replies,
latest was 17 years ago)
I know him from school!Were you at school or university with anyone who has subsequently become famous/ infamous? Tell us about their terrible acne...
(
Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 11 Jul 2008, 15:03,
Reply)
Movie scenes that turn you on but they really shouldn't.For me, it's Jessica Alba getting whipped by the yellow mutant in Sin City, how can anybody not find that hot??
Post your tales of getting hot over something you really shouldn't have on the television!
(, Fri 11 Jul 2008, 11:08, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
Eternal Questions...?Why do old people tut at you when you walk past them?
How does Mark Wahlberg still get work?
Why is the queue you're in always the slowest?
Post your own, including your own theory and let fellow B3tans try and help you find an answer.
(
Joe Scaramanga with a G-double-O-D vibration, Wed 9 Jul 2008, 8:28,
Reply)
E-bay storiesHave you had a bad experience on e-bay (or a similar site) that you want to rant about? Did you find the best bargain ever? Did you keep in touch with your trading-partners? Or have you just seen an unusual item for sale? Tell us your stories of e-baying
(
mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Fri 4 Jul 2008, 16:39,
2 replies,
latest was 17 years ago)
Random things you notice ...... like whenever I'm in a shopping centre or similar, and Billie Jean comes on the PA, my footsteps always snyc with it making feel a bit silly.
Also, why do you never know where to look when your debit card receipt is printing? Weirdly, the same thing goes for the person behind the till and they must do it all the time!
What small bit of bizarreness have you noticed to brighten up your life or drive you to the edge?
(
Cheeses of Nazareth Where's Captain Kirk? www.whereiskirk.com, Fri 4 Jul 2008, 15:35,
Reply)
False BravadoRecently, my missus and I went to Alton Towers theme park (we had free tickets from a friend). Neither of us like rollercoasters and things that spin you like you're in a washing machine, but we had fun on the Pirate Barrels (like a waltzer, I guess), and on the Congo Rapids, etc. On entering Hex (which was rated fine for family with young kids), we enjoyed the spooky story and special effects. Once we sat on the bench in the next room and a bar pinned us to our seats, we got a little confused, but thought we were off on a Ghost train-like ride. It was at that point, the floor dropped away and the seat span over the ceiling. I have to admit that for five minutes I tried to gnaw my way through the rail to get off whilst my missus prayed to live long enough to kiss the ground when she got off.
Afterwards, having had a soothing smoke, we ventured onto the Charlie and The Chocolate Factory ride, we had a lovely time mocking the kiddie-friendly ride until the end when we entered the Glass Elevator and it said "be careful to hang on to the railings so you don't fall over". The site of two adults gripping a railing and whimpering amused the room full of kids no end. Especially when all it did was wobble about a bit as the video screens played a set of animations (very cool, actually - all walls, floor and ceiling were screens, so it was like living in CGI).
Have you ever put on false bravado, only to have it bite you in the ass?
(, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 13:56, 3 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
Never AgainWe've all done stupid things.
I once ate a live locust for a bet.
I knew a man who snorted an entire Sherbert Fountain.
A local legend features a gentleman that started a fight with a bull.
What breath-takingly foolish things have you done that get you thinking "No force on Earth will ever make me do that again"?
(
Cawl, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 1:04,
Reply)
Being over-optimistic (probably more delusional!)On the bus this morning, A woman and her friend got on a few stops after me. One was wearing clothing that was waaaay too tight for her rather portly frame and could barely get up a step without careful manouvering. I thought she was either in pain or mentally ill.
She then struck up a conversation with her friend, within earshot of the whole bus that left me desperately trying suppress laughter.
"That diet is working a treat, believe it or not I'm down from an 18 to a size 12 now!"
I guess she walked that way to stop her clothes from tearing.
Being over optimistic, we've all done it, what's your story?
(
Muns, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 12:03,
Reply)
Mismatched couplesHave you ever met a couple who you thought were just never meant to be together? Tell us about how badly mismatched they are.
(
mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 0:56,
Reply)
mad welsh grannyMy wee welsh granny is lovely but clearly as mad as cheese. If she has 'the man' round (this covers all tradesmen, plumbers etc) she will offer them a cup of tea. When they leave, she smashes the cup. Not washes - SMASHES the cup. Because 'you don't know where he's been'.
How mad is your nan?
(
spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 17:31,
2 replies,
latest was 17 years ago)
Work nights out from hellMy mate once went on a work's night out to a posh hotel. As it was a 'theme night' and there was a girl he fancied he decided to go with a Don Johnson Miami Vice look. So far, so boring. Then, for some unbeknown reason, he shat himself on the dancefloor. Whilst wearing thin white linen trousers. Going for the authentic sans socks look, he didn't even have emergency bog roll on his feet. His dignity had nowhere to hide and he left the venue and their employ soon after.
What utterly hellish things have befallen you on a work's night out?
(, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 15:11, Reply)
Forgotten JokeMyself and my friend since early childhood were recently sat at a laptop playing poker late one night. We were laughing at some joke, then we were singing and merely changing the last word of the song to 'midget'. We laughed and laughed to the point of near bodily fluid loss. I recall saying at the time 'Man, we'll look back at this for years and remember how funny we found this moment'.
The problem is, we woke up the next morning and to this day neither of us can recall what the joke or the song was. All we remember is the word midget. It's seriously annoying. Nothing worse than forgetting something very funny. We remember everything else about the evening, even the boring bits. Grrr.
I suppose the question could be 'things you've forgotten' but seriously, if anyone can let us know what we were laughing at...it would be really appreciated.
(
sneep used to date Freddie Starr's hamster, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 14:48,
Reply)
crazy foreignersIn the Czech Republic men whip women on easter monday in return for chocolate and neat alcohol. And the czech word for shame is 'skoda'.
there must be better stories about loons you've met abroad or weird foreign traditions which have confused you.
(
ascorbate, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:24,
Reply)
Conspiracy theoriesDo you have any odd conspiracy theories? Tell us about them and frenziedly type out your story before THE MEN IN WHITE COATS TAKE YOU AWAY.
(
mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 22:49,
Reply)
Philosophy for lifeWhat maxims do you live your life by? A guy I used to know told us, over a few beers, that his philosophy was "If it's got a hole, ah'll stick ma dick in it." He's currently serving 8 years for sexual assault (probably).
What are your views on life? Want to pass on any excellent advice to others? Do share...
(, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 20:32, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
First Cars........lets face it, they were shit hot at the time. Nothing, and I do mean NOTHING, was as cool as your terracotta Austin Metro HLE with gaffer tape holding the windows up.
What were you unjustifiably proud of in your motoring youth?
(
The Pollitt chooses to listen to Enya on, Thu 29 May 2008, 8:57,
Reply)
Porno!Considering how much of the internet is made up of filth (not researched this but it must be a lot right?) Some people must know someone who is on the interweb on filth flicks. Maybe it was the shy guy/girl from school, or perhaps more apporiately the more 'game' guy/girl. Of course, there would be lots of responses about fwd mobile phone clips.
(, Mon 26 May 2008, 5:09, 1 reply, 17 years ago)
Pranks that went wrongHave you ever planned a practical joke, only for the whole thing to blow up in your face (sometimes literally) due to some small error?
(, Tue 20 May 2008, 15:03, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
They're standing right behind me aren't theyEver been off on a rant about someone, got it all off your chest only to have the horrific realisation that they heard everything you just said?
Perhaps you have been on the end of said rant?
Or have you been the one comedically dropping hints that they are standing there, such as coughing or looking over their shoulder?
(, Tue 20 May 2008, 13:11, 3 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
Best Tabloid Headline Ever'Hop off you Frogs' is a personal favourite - alongside the Al Quaeda expose headed 'The Bin Men' which still makes me smile years later.
What's yours?
(thanks, I'll have a pint etc etc)
(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 16 May 2008, 10:37,
5 replies,
latest was 17 years ago)
books that havechanged your life in some way or had a large impact on your outlook that you'd recommend to others
I only found out about Robert Kiyosaki's "Rich Dad, poor Dad" series from a recommendation, so why not have a QOTW on inspirational books and recommendations?
(, Mon 12 May 2008, 16:34, 4 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
You betDo you remeber MAtthew Kelly on 'YOU BET? There would be all these mad acrobats and small boys who could recognise birds by their tail fethers. What is your 'YOU BET'skill? Memorising telephone books? juggling jelly? doing triple somersaults?
Mine is the ability to find things in the house ("It's on the second shelf down in the cupboard beside the sink, three jars in from the left hand side")
(
seeballs Doo da da doo da da doo da da doo, da da doo da do, Mon 12 May 2008, 14:51,
Reply)
getting shut of a stalker..Ok, it was a bit stupid at the time (and still is) here goes.
Im a solicitor(queue hatred of unimaginable quantity) and got talking on the phone to this girl who used to be connected to my firm a few hundred miles away up north. she sounded cute. she said she looked like Halle Berry - so sounded even cuter.
Arranged to meet her when up north one day. Even though i was pissed, she looked more like Chuck Berry but "what the fuck" still worth a flirt and a bit of phone sex.
A couple of weeks passed and I just got bored. I know, but the novelty just wore off and maybe i just couldnt imagine her as Halle Berry any more.
The usual "im sorry but" turned to "fuck off and stop hastling me" to inventing a girlfriend (by then i had a real one but i wasnt going to tell her i had a stalker) who even told her to fuck off. no, 10 texts a night and countless voicemail messages. nothing bad enough to tell the police and anyway the real girlfriend would find out.
So, "lets cause her inconvenience" I arranged countell (actuallt 12) meeting with her and failed to turn up at the hotel - which was hundreds of miles away from where she lived - still no effect (maybe my phone sex was that good?)
she made the mistake of emailing me from work - so i grassed her in to her boss and she got the sack
still she contacted me.
getting a bit desperate i met up with her and had the worst possible sex - as humiliting as you can. i still cringe when i think about it.
nope, still keeps on coming
the only thing that worked - bought a sim card, sent her a text pretending to be from a friend telling her "we found your name in xxxxxx's phone, we dont recognise who you are - please contact us"...she did
"im sorry, xxxxxx died in a car crash last week"
success! a month of nothing from her..though i do miss the phone sex.
any tips on chucking someone for good (short of faking death)
****edit, im running the risk that "Halle" reads this in which case, i really am dead and this has been typed through a medium ****
(, Thu 8 May 2008, 21:19, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
When I were a young unI would write pardodies of the films that I watched.
Indiana Scones and the Temple of the Lost Crusade, and Cretaceous Park, for example.
So, what did you do when you were a kid when it was too rainy to go out? -or something, I really have no idea where I was going with this.
(
Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 7 May 2008, 12:43,
1 reply,
17 years ago)
On a school night...On Wednesday night this week, for no good reason, I got absolutely twunted with a guy I work with. Said evening involved strippers, several bottles of Bollinger, bouncer bribery and latex gloves. Y'know, the usual. I decided to round off the night by puking somewhere in the vicinity of my bog and passing out fully clothed.
Why did I pay £20 for an ugly stripper to show me her fanny? Why did I drink till puking point? Why did I do this on a school night?
What stupidly irresponsible drinking sessions have you guys had on a school night?
(, Fri 2 May 2008, 20:17, Reply)
I'm sorry, I haven't a clue...When was the last time you were baffled by an instruction/ something someone said/ got lost?
PS This is a blantant Humph tribute.
(, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 10:36, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
Designated driverIt's never fun being the sober one when everyone else is getting pissed. As one of only two people in our "pub crawl" circle with a driving licence, I suffer more than most. Especially last night, as the other guy was getting pissed too. I ended up carrying a guy called Ant (unconscious, covered in vomit and still throwing up) out of the pub and to my car with the help (ha!) of another almost-as-drunk friend (Nick). The third guy I was driving home (Ian) then erupted from the pub (also paralytic), shouting that his brother had hit him.
This was like a red rag to a bull to Nick. He dropped Ant (I caught him before he hit the ground, getting more vomit on my shirt in the process) and tried to run into the pub to "do over" Ian's brother. Notwithstanding the fact that Nick is not very big and that Ian's brother is 6'5" and built like a tank. After a hell of a lot of shouting on my part I got him to come back.
By this point, Ian had decided that he wasn't waiting around for me to get back from taking Ant home, he was going to run back to his house. He lived 4 miles away, uphill, and was having difficulty walking. I wasn't in a position to stop him as I had to hold Ant up while convincing Nick that if he got knocked unconscious, there would be no way I'd take him home too. Ian disappeared into the night. Eventually I got Nick back and Ant into the car. After an uneventful drive to his house, we searched him, found his keys, bodily dragged him into his house (think "mental patient being dragged off by the orderlies" style) and installed him in the toilet.
Nick went to find him a glass of water. Unknown to us, Ant's psychopathic dog was in the kitchen, and didn't take kindly to this. The barking, snarling and yelping woke up Ant's mother who had to come down, restrain the dog and look after Ant (now passed out again, but at least in his own toilet this time).
Ant dealt with, I now had to go and find Ian. Along with Nick I went back into town. By the time we got there, the pub was shut. The rest of the guys (including Ian's brother) were in subway across the street. We knew that Ian was somewhere on the road to his house, but he wasn't answering his phone other than to say he wanted Emily to pick him up instead of me, so off we went to find him. After half an hour of driving up and down the same stretch of road, we decided that we weren't going to find him. We called him (for the seventh time). He still refused to tell us where he was.
By this point I was knackered, smelling of vomit and really not in the mood for this. I decided I'd had enough and drove home, stopping only to drop off Nick. I got home at 2.30am covered in sick and with my lifespan considerably shorter. (I later found out that it took five people a further hour to find Ian and get him home).
What's happened to you when you've been the only sober one?
(
Hdjejjwsjdjjf LOOK, Sun 27 Apr 2008, 15:45,
1 reply,
17 years ago)
HERES A REALLY GOOD ONEsporting horrors- stories of utter terror about times you took part in a sporting activity.
unless this ahs already been done. isnt like that's stopped you before though.........
(, Thu 24 Apr 2008, 15:17, 1 reply, 17 years ago)
Not sure if it's bindun...Nicknames and their origins.
Could be yours. Could be someone you know.
For example, my friend didn't want to lose her standing space for Radiohead at V Festival a few years back so pissed herself whilst stood next to me. After the set, we walked away and she emptied her boots of liquid to my horror. She was, fittingly, nicknamed 'Piss in Boots' from that very moment.
(, Thu 24 Apr 2008, 13:10, 3 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
Temper TemperIn a moment of uncontrolled rage I threw an old gamecube pad against the wall the other night when I was cheated into finishing last on the final race on Mariokart for the Wii. (was first on the final lap then had a blue shell, red shell, lightning ~ knocked into the lava spell of "bad luck" ~ fucking cheating bastard game)
I broke pads playing the snes and N64 versions as well, its just this game I love it but at times it drives me fucking bat shit mental.
I have it on the ds as well but just turn it off in a huff as I don't want to smash the machine ...just the game.
What makes you lose you rag?
(, Thu 24 Apr 2008, 12:49, Reply)
Trends.What silly mistakes have you made in the name of fitting in with the latest trends? The mum of a friend of mine still has a mullet, she maintains that "It's fashionable to have volume."
Utter cretin.
(, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 17:42, 1 reply, 17 years ago)
Life ambitions.I wish to achieve the following:
Getting a QOTW answer to the front page.
Getting a QOTW answer onto the newsletter
Being a winner of the QOTW answer.
Having a QOTW suggestion used.
After achieving all that I will be the King of QOTW!! That is my lifes ambition. What is yours?
(, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 15:04, 3 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
10 years laterThe wife, the house, the job, the pets: tales of the road taken. How has it turned out, 10 years later?
(, Tue 15 Apr 2008, 0:46, 1 reply, 17 years ago)
Pyromania.Stupid things you've done while playing with fire/fireworks/explosives as a kid.
(, Sat 12 Apr 2008, 10:29, Reply)
Rotten DesignThis should open the way for a few rants. I hate rotten design. I hate the paper towel dispenser in the men's room at work It jams every time it's filled and water drips off your hands onto it, making it and the interleaved towel below wet before you use it. The idiot who designed it should be forced to use it.
Then there was the computer hindered lighting system in one building I worked in. Supposed to turn the lights out on the sunny side of the building but mostly switched off those on the shady side. When it was "fixed" nobody could work out which switch worked which lights and basically turned on all lights until the ones they wanted to work, worked. So much for energy saving.
I hate computer software with print so small you have got to squint to read it. On one calendar applet, the front / back arrows have five white pixels against a pale blue background. Yes, I used a lens to count the insignificant bastards. When I suggested they change it I got the suggestion that if I used a larger text size I'd be able to see it better. Crap. I didn't even realise it was fecking there in the first place and phoned the software team to ask where it was.
(, Sat 12 Apr 2008, 1:28, 3 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
Celebrity TortureA lot of celebs are so far up themselves that once in a while they deserve their come-uppance.
In my student days I spent a good many an hour sending overly fawning letters to people like Noel Edmonds ("Great show- shame that bloke died") and Paul Daniels ("Although David Copperfield is a better magician, I always watch your show"), damning them with faint praise before asking them to send me a signed photo. - most did send one.
Have you ever met/worked with a celebrity but rather than worship the ground they walk on, have you embarassed them in some way, caused physical harm, or just incurred their wrath by being a complete cunt to them.
£5* to the first person to not post, "That Princess Diana brought her car into my garage to have the brakes done."
* or equivalent nectar points
(
Roland E O'Dorant R Tape loading error, 0:1, Wed 9 Apr 2008, 0:26,
3 replies,
latest was 17 years ago)
Wedding SpeechesI Anglepoise is getting hitched to one of our porridge munching brethren, and yours truly is on the hook for a speech. Tell us your best wedding speech lines, so I can nick them and seem witty on the day.....
(, Tue 8 Apr 2008, 17:03, Reply)
It's for the love of the art, dahling!I've been pushed over a 3ft drop in a wheelchair. I've been buried alive with only a snorkel to breathe through. I have covered myself head-to-toe in dog food. I have even appeared entirely naked on stage.
And all in the name of art and theatre. So tell us the stupid things you've done for the love of art or science!
(
Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 3 Apr 2008, 15:51,
Reply)
FarmsTell us your hillarious countryside escapades!
Did you fuck a pig? Get chased by a lunatic in a tractor?
Tell all here!
(
Cawl, Thu 3 Apr 2008, 15:27,
Reply)
What's the most pain you've ever felt...One for the ladies I think. I guess childbirth is a biggie. However bikini waxing may come a close second.
(
girlinthehole, Wed 2 Apr 2008, 13:47,
27 replies,
latest was 17 years ago)
Animals: Not To Be TrustedEvery time, and I mean every single time I've been on a horse, I've been thrown off of it.
Cases in point, m'lud:
1) Clacton Seafront, Circa 1988.
Dad, in his worldly wisdom, had decided to use one of his access days to take me to the seaside. After an hour of badgering from yours truly, he finally relented and let me go on a horse ride. These horses were led around an oval by what can only be described as pikeys. My horse stopped to graz at the cud.
The pikey leading the horse behind smacked my horse on the ass (oh, dear). Horse then transferred me from its back to the floor, head-first.
2) Circus, Circa 1989
I was taken to the circus! To cut a long story short, there was this bit where a lady rode around the big top on a shire horse, and then was launched in to the air by means of a rope attached to her waist that went all the way up to the ceiling. She flew through the air with the greatest of ease. Graceful she was. The ringmaster asked which of the boys and girls would like a go on the horse.
I shot my hand in to the air, desperate to be picked, and I was.
My suspicions were not aroused when they affixed a giant leather belt to my waist. Nor were they when they attached a sodding great rope to the belt. I was summarily plonked on to the horse, which set off around the ring at a canter. And then a gallop. And then light speed.
“Now then,” bellowed the ringmaster “slide up on to your knees!”
Had I known the phrase “not fucking likely” at that point, that is what I would have said. After a while, I worked up the backbone, and got to my knees.
“And now…. Stand up!”
Fuck. Off.
They obviously tired of me, as before I knew it the horse was whipped from under me and I was flung through the air. To this day I remember seeing my mother pointing at me and laughing. Cold hearted bitch.
These are the main reasons I am scared of horses.
So what I’d like to know is:
What did animals do to you to cause you fear and misery?
(PS - I am aware that in neither case was the animal itself at fault. But I think they would have done it anyway, given thumbs and the appropriate equipment.)
(
Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Mon 31 Mar 2008, 17:51,
2 replies,
latest was 17 years ago)
Eating AnimalsEating animals is rather passe, but being vegetarian until I was 19 made me realise how strange it is. The first meat I ever ate was tongue - with all the tastebuds and everything! (damn well-meaning foreign relatives who don't understand the word 'vegetarian').
However, there are plenty of strange and wonderful things to sample out there - my friend Adam has tucked into locusts, the stall at the market sells ostrich burgers, supermodels take pills with tapeworms in them to slim down and there was usually one misfit kid at primary school who ate ants.
What strange animals have you eaten, and in what circumstances?
(
Hampster Squared has stuff at www.tilla.co.uk, Sun 30 Mar 2008, 23:31,
Reply)
Have you ever attempted to write a book/film/TV series and how bad did it suck donkey balls?I remember a particularly bad "story" I wrote at the age of 14. It was very fraught and emotional. I found it about a year later and threw it away out of embarassment.
I'm currently working on an idea for an animated cop show set in 1978, starring a tall, modestly hot woman detective and her good looking ginger midget partner, whose middle name is Archimedes. Every week they must try to thwart a crime baron who uses a chocolate company as a front for his crimes and two of his henchmen are mimes. I'm doing this for the sheer hell of it and because my job is boring.
What craptacular stories, screenplays or ideas have you come up with and how far did you actually get?
(, Sat 29 Mar 2008, 22:33, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
Take a chanceRecently I moved -- away from all my family, my friends, my theatrical career, my doctors, my car, my house, my Life in California -- to New Zealand.
What wild chance have you taken? How has it affected you?
(, Fri 28 Mar 2008, 10:14, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
I used my rude bits for the good of humanity.You know those things you've got tucked away in your underpants or bra? Have they ever done the world any good? Have you put out a fire by weeing on it? Have your fun-bags softened someone's landing?
And please be more original than "I satisfied someone's raging lust".
(
mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Wed 26 Mar 2008, 19:14,
Reply)
Bollocks to all these miserable questions.What was the best day of your life?
(
Gerbilinafishtank Gerbil in a fish tank...TURTLE POWER!, Wed 26 Mar 2008, 8:25,
Reply)
unnervingly worrying and pointless triviawww.b3ta.com/board/8213952
not necessarily sci-fi based (please!) but do you know something thoroughly pointless, that no one else knows, that is of practically no use to anyone that you';d like to share
(
mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Mon 24 Mar 2008, 21:24,
1 reply,
17 years ago)
They think we won't notice...People that work in the media are occasionally a little too taken up with their own cleverness and assume that Joe Public won't notice... Freddy Starr ate my hamster, Elvis is in a WW2 bomber on the moon, and the way that Stiletto on Danger Mouse went from being Italian to a Cockney...
What have you noticed in the media that someone behind the scenes is obviously hoping you won't twig?
(
Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Mon 24 Mar 2008, 19:01,
Reply)
Wills & last requestsWritten into my will, and known only to a few close friends is the following.
The birdie dance song is to be played after the eulogy. Up opens the coffin and out jumps a stripper, to strip to the birdie dance.
I've actually got to get around to changing it, I wrote it before I was married, and better change it to not freak out my wife.
But now I think about it, bugger it, may as well freak her out one last time :)
Anyone else seen some strange wills, or has anything bizarre in theirs?
(, Mon 24 Mar 2008, 0:12, Reply)
How did someone brighten up your day?You know those little things that people do sometimes. Make you a cup of tea on a raining monday morning or get you your favourite sweet without asking when your feeling down?
Insignificant to them, touching for you.
How did someone brighten up your day?
(, Thu 20 Mar 2008, 15:04, Reply)
What is the most nauseating thing about some people?Eg- Smugness, extreme niceness etc
(, Thu 20 Mar 2008, 9:46, Reply)
Need a pooOn the eve of the new millenium i was in Gisbourne, New Zealand. On the beach, just before sunrise. Just where all those TV cameras were that sent the first pictures of sunrise around the world. Could I enjoy the spectacular moment? hell no! I was so desperate for a poo i had to drive off quick smart to find the nearest toilet! Right place, right time, too scared of pooing myself to enjoy the first sunrise of the millenium. When have you been inconvenienced by your bowels?
(, Thu 20 Mar 2008, 1:14, 1 reply, 17 years ago)
Things you've caught people doing when they think they're aloneAt work the other day I caught a lad playing mime cricket with himself, serving as both bowler and batter. After I caught him in the act he informed me that he had a match next week. Im sure there are some funnier incidents than that.
(
Lomticks Be yourself; everyone else is taken., Wed 19 Mar 2008, 18:56,
Reply)
Things that get on your titsI really hate slow moving people in public. They always seem to group together and block everyone from getting past.
When I become Emperor I'll execute anyone traveling at less than 3mph in public.
(, Sun 16 Mar 2008, 3:48, 1 reply, 17 years ago)
In pursuit of love...The course of love follows a rocky path, which gives us plenty of opportunity to fuck up. I write because I received a love letter today from one of my students (I teach English to adults). Whilst I'd give her English 7 out of 10, she gets 11 out of 10 for crazy.
'I fell in love with a guy on TV 5 years ago, nobody really likes him, but you look like him a bit. I had my photo taken with him and it was like a dream. He's gay. Maybe you are too? I think I am totally in love with you. If you are gay we can be best friends because gay guys are the best friends for a girl. If you are bisexual I wouldn't mind. I always fall in love with bi guys. I'm not very popular, everyone says I'm strange. I don't know why. But I think we'd be perfect together. I know you like music. I'm in a band with my Dad and my brother. Maybe we could play together?'
And so on and so on....
The worst thing is, it actually reminds me of some of the letters I sent to the unfortunate objects of my misguided youthful desires. No wonder none of my Exs speak to me anymore!
Anyway, thought an interesting compo would be 'whats the most misguided/embarrassing/stupid thing you've ever done in an (unsuccessful) attempt to woo someone?'
(, Wed 12 Mar 2008, 19:14, 1 reply, 17 years ago)
Hitching StoriesCant believe this hasnt been done yet! Hitching stories, from the person giving or taking the lift are always good. Got a fair few I could give and would love to hear some new ones.
(, Mon 10 Mar 2008, 17:56, 1 reply, 17 years ago)
Musuko posted this in the QOTW"Most Pointless Thing Ever Done On Work Time
Has GOT to be a QOTW some time!"
(
Cawl, Mon 10 Mar 2008, 16:23,
1 reply,
17 years ago)
Using Industrial machinaryWhen revising for my A-levels, my brother asked me to help him out working for Bristol water for a couple of weeks, as his usual partner was on holiday.
It was pretty rubbish, and I realised my future lied behind a desk at a computer, rather than unblocking drainsin the rain.
BUT... I got to use a pnematic drill to dig a hole in the road!!!!
I was rubbish, and big bro took over after a few minutes, but I can say with pride that I have used a drill to dig up the road.
What large bits of machinery have you used (preferably in public)?
(
Joe Scaramanga with a G-double-O-D vibration, Fri 7 Mar 2008, 9:53,
Reply)
Advice...We have seen over the last couple of weeks that B3tans are (mostly) good people with a wealth of skills and experience, some good, some bad... so why not make use of the new reply facility for good!?
People post their dilemmas or quandries... and through the use of the reply function we can all give our tuppence worth... most popular page can be decided by clicks, and most or best replies... if you like the replies click the message.
(, Thu 6 Mar 2008, 10:14, Reply)
NightclubsWhile out in a club in Newcastle a group of lads were all drinking on the second level. One of the lads, called Joe, is the type of guy who would rather fall on his sword than turn down a bet.
Like so many clubs do – the second level was more like a balcony allowing groups of blokes to perv over the “talent” below. As the club was celebrating its birthday they had decided to theme the night into a 2nd birthday party type thing with bowls of sweets, party bags and a bouncy castle in the middle of the dancefloor.
The group of blokes quickly got onto discussing if it would be possible to jump of the balcony and onto the bouncy castle. One of the lads bet Joe £50 he couldn’t do it. Joe, not seeing sense that this was a stupid idea, took the bet smugly.
The problem was that the club had quickly realized that some twat would try this, so they had arranged a line of bouncers around the edge of the balcony to stop/hit any would be supermen. This would not stop Joe.
He walked to the edge of the balcony and got his eye in. He would need to jump at least 6 ft if he was going to make it – it was about 14 ft down – easy he thought. He went back to his group and picked up his chair. He walked to the more gullible looking bouncer and said “can you look after my chair while I go to the toilet” and set it down by the balcony edge. He paced 10 steps towards the toilets – turned on the spot – and ran as fast as he could towards the chair.
The bouncer had no time to react, by the time he realized what was happening Joe had launched himself off the chair and had thrown himself over the balcony. As soon as he was flying through the air Joe realized that he had mis-aimed and started hopelessly flapping his arms to try and change direction.
It didn’t work, he hit the side wall of the bouncy castle. As this was indoors, it was not tied down to any tent pegs. As he hit it the force caused the castle to violently flip onto the side. This caused the people on it to be thrown out. Most were just scattered on the floor, but, one girl, who must have been jumping at exactly the wrong time, went almost supersonic through the air. Perhaps most of Joes energy was transferred to her as she landed her bounce onto the castle. Joe claims this poor lass traveled about 18 feet before she hit some fellow dancers scattering drinks, handbags and shoes all over the club.
He claimed he had just enough time to say sorry to the crushed ravers before being thrown out into the streets and given the required level of beating by the biggest bouncers.
Still though – credit to him
Many, Many, Many apologies for the length.
(
KISS.ME.WHERE.I.POO Signed the sex offenders register on, Wed 5 Mar 2008, 14:18,
Reply)
Superpower...As a kid i dreamed about being able to turn invisible. Think of all the fun you could have not being able to be seen. Nowadays it would just be nice to have the superhuman power of being able to understand a tax return :)
What superpowers did you wish you had as a child and are they the same now?
(, Thu 28 Feb 2008, 13:48, Reply)
SnobsI hate 'em. I was reminded of an ex-colleague who, in an act of desperate snobbery, kept their own bottle of Heinz Ketchup in their desk drawer to add to the occaisional bacon butty attack the department had. He maintained that he couldn't possibly eat a bs without ketchup and it HAD to be Heinz. Tosser.
(, Wed 27 Feb 2008, 10:37, 1 reply, 17 years ago)
Time travelIf you could go back in time and have a chat with someone, who would it be? Famous scientist, your own great grandparent (or someone else's)?
Or would you try to change history? Catch the apple before Isaac Newton got bopped, or give Hitler's dad a condom?
I might be tempted to pop back to 1912 and tell the captain of the Titanic to steer further south, then we might never have to hear that feckin song again!
(, Tue 26 Feb 2008, 18:19, Reply)
Ideas for QOTWsOverworked, oversexed and overheard?
What's the funniest, sickest or weirdest things you've overheard co-workers saying?
Guy 1: "What's the best smell in the world?"
Guy 2: (without looking up) "...German girls."
and
Piece of shit car (or bike)
Everyone, surely, has pimped around in a collapsing, vile little rot-box - to which they've had an unhealthy attachment? Mine was a head gasket-eating Reliant Robin LX (i.e. it had AM radio AND tape player...) She's still sitting on my drive now...
(, Mon 25 Feb 2008, 12:13, 1 reply, 17 years ago)
ChavsI'm sure we've all got our own unique stories of encountering these charming little fuckers from the shallow end of the gene pool
(, Wed 20 Feb 2008, 15:16, Reply)
Quittingwhy have you quit, given up, thrown int he towel, got he fuck out of dodge?
Was it fags, cyber porn, drugs, cult, of life itself.
Stories about quitting or trying to quit plz.
(
willenium Fist bump for verification, Mon 18 Feb 2008, 10:56,
Reply)
Worst experience as a customer - and what you've done about itWe've all had particularly bad experiences, some amusing and others not - either way we can do them some harm until they improve. Chances are it will have involved some inbred in a call centre where they're unable to read the letters you send them. This could be that they don't read them or that they're too stupid. My personal bugbear is Npower, bunch of useless, addition-disabled, phone monkeys whose letter openers have seemingly been removed for health and safety reasons. I'm not going to say what I've been doing as it's ongoing, but it's all legal - that's the best bit. I'd like some ideas though and for you to all avoid dealing with them. They owe me over a thousand pounds.
(, Fri 15 Feb 2008, 19:35, 1 reply, 17 years ago)
Best leave your mobile at home...The unnecessary and extremely embarrassing drunken texts or phone calls and the aftermath...
(, Thu 14 Feb 2008, 3:52, Reply)
How do I hate thee, let me count the ways!True burning hatred you've had for others.
I had a boss back in the mid 80's who was known as "The Red Faced Pig Fucker". He was hated with a passion through out the work place.
His screetching, piercing, high volume voice left nerves on edge and for many a willingness to be incarcerated for life to end his.
Now that was hate! Anyone else experienced such deep hatred for any real or imagined slights?
(, Mon 11 Feb 2008, 17:00, Reply)
Cuntish driversQuite often when walking about in my area (or any area actually) I've almost been run over by twats in BMWs, Mercedes or once, a beat up old Volvo who, after recieving the commonly known "wanker sign" stuck his fingers up at me after cutting a red light just as I stepped into the road.
What experiences do you have of drivers being twats?
(, Wed 6 Feb 2008, 14:24, 1 reply, 17 years ago)
I'd like to see some repeats of old QOTWsThe best ones could be redone, lots of new stories I imagine
(, Sun 3 Feb 2008, 17:05, Reply)
Your Earliest MemoryWhat is the first thing you remember?
(
Squiggy Alloria makes theme parks., Sat 2 Feb 2008, 19:56,
Reply)
Who don't you trust...... and why? Could be someone well-known or the bloke you see every morning on the bus. Stories of rational or irrational mis-trust accepted equally.
(, Fri 1 Feb 2008, 15:01, Reply)
Foot in mouth momentsI've had so many of these.... but an outstanding example is when I bumped into an old schoolfriend who was pushing a pram. I'd been drinking, and didn't have time to control my mouth when I peeked into the pram to be confronted with what looked like a shaved chimp.
"jesus fcuk" was blurted out, and she marched off in disgust. I felt bad .. for about thirty seconds .. then had hysterics.
(, Thu 31 Jan 2008, 15:16, 3 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
Stereotypes......they exist for a reason you know! Tales of people conforming to and/or suprising you by breaking out of theirs.
(, Thu 31 Jan 2008, 11:41, Reply)
Police community support officersHave you ever had the misfortune to be accosted by one of these cretins? What did you do to make them interested in you? What have you done to them?
I think they are all wastes of DNA, I mean, just how thick do you have to be to NOT get into the actual police?
(, Mon 28 Jan 2008, 16:58, 1 reply, 17 years ago)
The end of innocenceI told a mate who was a mere 22 years old that the song 'turning Japanese' by Adam and the ants is actually about a prisoner wanking in his cell over tabloid photographs.
"oh noes, I could of happily gone the rest of my life without knowing that. cheers willenium"
whats your story about the end of innocence
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willenium Fist bump for verification, Fri 25 Jan 2008, 16:25,
3 replies,
latest was 17 years ago)
How I achieved the body beautifulI have started going to a gym to get rid of my paunch and moobs. So far all I have done is pulled various muscles, so I now actually look even unhealthier than when I started out. What capers have you got up to whilst achieving that Charles Atlas figure?
(
Smallbrainfield, Thu 24 Jan 2008, 11:41,
Reply)
Lets do the "Onosecond" one again.It has been nearly 3 years since the last time and I am sure we have all had plenty more onoseconds since then.
(
Sir Pigeon Nipples Did you sit in some sugar?, Thu 24 Jan 2008, 6:43,
Reply)
Stuff your parents say/do.My dad once told my brother off for swearing, telling him "Your Language is fucking obnoxious".
He also once crashed a tractor into a tree directly in front of him, with him going at 5 miles/hr.
What about a QOTW of things other users parents have said or done?
(, Wed 23 Jan 2008, 1:18, 1 reply, 17 years ago)
PenfriendsDid your language teachers ever try to get you involved in a penfriend scheme? Did you ever meet that penfriend? And were there hilarious misunderstandings/ episodes of a sexual or violent nature when you did?
(
Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 18 Jan 2008, 12:46,
2 replies,
latest was 17 years ago)
Soap dodgingEveryone has the odd day where they can't be arsed to have a shower, but occasionally, circumstances overtake and you end up spending days without seeing the inside of a bathroom.
What's the grottiest you've ever been?
(, Thu 17 Jan 2008, 15:59, Reply)
Get away with murderGo on then, you know you want to...
if you were 100% guaranteed to get away with it, in fact lets say you had been chosen by a TV phone in to kill the person of your choice by the method of your choice, who would you choose? On live TV of course.
I'm torn between Jade Goody being fed very slowly into an industrial strength woodchipper, or maybe Mel Gibson strapped to a Black and Decker workbench and a very large Viagra'd up stallion bumming him to death. After coating it's schlong with iron filings, glass fibers, deep heat and Texas Insanity Chilli sauce of course.
Shelebrity, nonentity, politician, call center workers, figures from history or the Maths teacher who touched you in a special way.
Get in!
(, Thu 17 Jan 2008, 15:36, 4 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
What's the funniest thing you have ever seen whilst on your travels?Extra points for randomness spotted on public transport!*
*Might be a lie
(, Thu 17 Jan 2008, 12:27, 3 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
freaky habitsdo you have a lucky object - or do you have a lesser form of OCD - where if you dont switch the light on and off 5 times before you enter the room you think the world will end.
has it ever resulted in bad luck when you dont use it /do it ?
(, Wed 16 Jan 2008, 12:46, Reply)
Stunned silencesI took my then seven year old to the annual interisland championship final football match. Standing next to hardcore opposition fans we were aware of some "ripe" terrace chanting but managing to resist responding "for the children's sake" when aforementioned child wanting to fit in with the rest of the crowd leaps to his feet points at one particularly large, balding and rabid gentlemen and screams "You fat pasta". Entire section of terrace goes silent then sits down unsure of how to proceed. I didn't have the heart to correct him (but do blame myself).
Have you ever witnessed/caused the silencing of an entire group of people?
(
number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Mon 14 Jan 2008, 12:13,
1 reply,
17 years ago)
Revenge Stories redux.It's been four years since you last asked, and it's one of my favourites to read.
(
Lightguy hail satan, Sat 12 Jan 2008, 20:37,
Reply)
Things Mums say"Two hands, it's a glass"
"I just want two minutes peace"
"I'll give you something to cry about"
"Have you washed your hands"
"What's the magic word?"
"I don't intend telling you again"
"When I was your age..."
There are loads of these and they / we all say them. It's almost as though every mother went to Mummy school and attended the same class - 'Mum Cliches level 1'.
(
seeballs Doo da da doo da da doo da da doo, da da doo da do, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 12:21,
1 reply,
17 years ago)
How b3ta has changed your lifeIf I'm walking round the office with a spoon and encounter a middle aged colleague bending over I have a rather strong urge to shove it up their arse, having read this reply to a QOTW.
I'm sure that people's lives have been changed by b3ta for better or worse, especially by the QOTWs. So how has b3ta changed the way you do things?
(
krang, Wed 9 Jan 2008, 14:17,
Reply)
Lost in TranslationYears ago, after our first year as electronic apprentices, and our first year's meagre pay, my friend Johnny & I went on a week's holiday to the south of France.
I had a French 'O' Grade (old Scottish 'O' Level type-thingy) and decided I could "speako da lingo", so we went to the campsite shop.
"Bonjour! Je voudrais du pain, du beurre, du fromage . . . " (Hello! I'd like some bread, some butter, some cheese . . . ) and it all went swimmingly. Johnny was well impressed.
"C'est combien?" (How much is that?) and I handed over the largest denomination of Francs (It was a while ago) we had between us.
Got the change and looked as if I was counting it (as if) and swaggered towards the door like the cat that got the cream, dead proud of myself.
At the door, I turned round, and to cap it all, bade farewell to everyone in the shop: "Aujourdhui!"
(Au Revouir is "cheerio", Aujourdhui means "Today")
Merde!
(, Fri 21 Dec 2007, 0:39, Reply)
Crap you've bought from pound shopsBatteries that lasted about an hour and then died. A screwdriver with a loose handle so I couldn't turn the damn screw, and a tape measure which wasn't at all accurate. Some of the 'bargains' i've bought from cheapo pound shops. What are yours?
(, Tue 11 Dec 2007, 12:57, 1 reply, 17 years ago)
great trumpeting christ on a 70's retro ralleigh chopper im boring!I just attended a lecture by a very interesting chap. He has spent over 40 years teaching and practicing medicine in Nepal. over this time he set up the countries first medical school , ran three clinics, dealt with political uprising and hippies and still managed to find the time to get his daughter into Cambridge.
all this and he still manages to be funny and down to earth.
me? I saw a cloud that looked like a clown once.
how have you been made to feel inadequate about your life's achievements?
(
willenium Fist bump for verification, Tue 4 Dec 2007, 22:06,
Reply)
Stingy bossesWho's the stingiest employer you've ever worked for? In how many different ways did they demonstrate that they were tighter than a duck's arse? Even better if the poor staff suffered so the bosses could treat themselves to endless luxuries - vent your spleen.
For myself, it would have to be the ones who rented, yes rented a Christmas tree for the staff canteen. They only paid the rent until Christmas Eve, though. So the rental company turned up first thing on the 24th and dismantled then removed the one wee bit of Christmas cheer in the place! The same people saved money on cards for the staff by scanning on/downloading a picture of Santa and sending it to us all by internal email. Bah Humbug!
Come on, I'm sure most of you have much better stories than this!
(, Tue 4 Dec 2007, 14:35, Reply)
Lacking basic skillsI'm 36 years old, and still haven't mastered the apparently-simple art of tieing a neck-tie; I was mercilessly and loudly heckled by my brother at the last family wedding we attended when he suddenly realized I was wearing the same tie he'd done up for me three months previously.
Only last year did I get my driver's license (and only then under threat of divorce and/or deballing); we had to ask a neighbour to drive us to the hospital when my wife went into labour at 4 a.m.
What other basic skills are you lacking and how has this made you feel like a social retard?
(, Tue 27 Nov 2007, 1:26, Reply)
Just had a thought...Judging by the way this week's QotW is shaping up, I reckon "recipes" would be a good idea for the next one.
(, Mon 19 Nov 2007, 23:12, Reply)
Mistaken textsLast night I spent a hefty amount of my phone bill in rather raunchy texts to a wrong number because I thought the perosn promising to make me cum like a fire engine was a girl, not another fella like me only up north and bored. Took about 2 hours before we asked each others names and realised we were both fellas.
Cunt socks.
Whats a wrong number in your phone done to make you feel dirty/ashamed/pissed off?
(, Mon 19 Nov 2007, 21:56, Reply)
Has anyone ever told you something you just didn't want to know?When I was a teenager my mum told me the beautiful story of how her sister-in-law (my Auntie) was experiencing pain during sexual intercourse with my uncle so she went to the doctor after a few days and he proceeded to give her an internal examination. After being down their a few minutes he extracted a bloody, smelly tampon that my Auntie had forgotten to take out when her period finished. It had been there three weeks.
It certainly scared me into never making the same mistake, although I've always wondered:
a. How thick must you be to leave a tampon inside you for three weeks
b. Why did my Auntie tell anyone? She only speaks to my Mum once a year so it can't have exactly just come up in conversation!
Gross and weird, and I didn't need to know.
(
neonpinkish, Sat 17 Nov 2007, 17:12,
Reply)
Sexual dreamsI had a dream which was a pron, in which the man was on hands and knees with his willy pointing backwards towards a woman's face. He was weeing in her face and this was acceptable because in the sex, he had won.
Have you had a more remarkably bizarre dream of a sexual nature?
(, Sat 17 Nov 2007, 0:38, 1 reply, 17 years ago)
Have you ever started a rumour?How outrageous was it?
Did it have any unforeseen consequences?
I have been spreading a rumour every Christmas that the chipolata in bacon is actually a representation of a pig's penis, which it originally was (not).
(
finnbar has officially retired, Sat 10 Nov 2007, 10:50,
1 reply,
17 years ago)
Public Transport....long time ago I was on a bus (pre driving licence) only me and the driver left so I'm sitting right near the front, as we round the corner parked in the bus stop about 100 yards away is a car. not a big problem no-one waiting to get on and me not at my stop yet.
As the bus got closer from the corner of my eye I see a woman make a mad dash for the car, she flings open the door and hops in.
Bus is only doing about 20-25mph and more than enough time for the woman to pull the door closed... only the car being a 2 door slightly sporty model, the door is that little bit longer than the average 4 door saloon and yep you guessed it, she missed the handle 3 seconds later a loud crunch, groaning metal and the tinkle tinkle of glass on tarmac.
Much hilarity from me and a big grin from the driver I see in his rear view mirror.
i looked down at the poor woman clinging onto the stearing wheel and her knuckles have turned white and shes shaking like a leaf.
Driver asks me if i saw what happened and I confirm she shouldent be parked there in the first place. Gave the driver my details hoping to have a day off from collage in the near future. Never heard anything :(
What wierd things have you seen/done on public transport ?
EDIT : seems I really should read the posts, someone already mentioned this for qotw.. apologies for length
(, Thu 1 Nov 2007, 17:56, Reply)
Halloween mishapsEven the best of us had some old fart ruin our trick or treating as a kid.
What happened and what did you do about it.
Age 10 we went out with eggs to protect us from the old boys. hence us lobbing a few at people we thought egged us last year. Thus resulting in a very long chase through alleys and about a 700 yard sprint dow the main road.
(
whypandabearsoblue?, Fri 26 Oct 2007, 23:55,
Reply)
Childhood InjuriesPost your injuried you sustained when you were a child
At the age of 7:
I fell and hit my head on the end of a fencepost. One of those ankle height metal ones to stop cars driving into the pub forecourt. If It had hit me half a centimeter higher, it would have gone straight into my right eye, and that wouldnt have been too pleasent.
I still have the scar...
(, Fri 26 Oct 2007, 19:16, 1 reply, 17 years ago)
InsomniaWhilst having an essay to do, I once accidentally stayed up the entire night trying to complete it. In doing so, I managed to stay up for about 60 hours straight. My flatmates swear that by the end of this, I started talking to a toy shark and was convinced it was talking back. How long have you gone without sleep, and what crazy adventures have occured in doing so?
(, Thu 25 Oct 2007, 10:08, Reply)
Lip-lockedWhile on the busy train this morning, I sat beside two gormless teenage fuckwits, one of whom was playing with his lighter. "Dude, I'm a total arsonist" he told his mate, and I had to stop myself from saying "Actually, the word is arsehole."
When have you had to stop yourself from speaking? Or when have you said something and wish you'd kept your mouth shut? Do tell all
(, Wed 24 Oct 2007, 17:37, Reply)
Whoops....What's the most expensive mistake you've ever made?
I could tell the story of a certain employee who caused 4 hours worth of delays in Central London and got his company fined £500k...
Bonus points for teenage party stories involving your parent's priceless antiques.
No bonus points for stories about the time you had a few and thought it'd be a good idea to wrap your car around a bollard.
(
HSDriver was probably still at work on, Thu 11 Oct 2007, 10:19,
Reply)
Stalked!b3ta is full of sexy beasts, so I'm sure we've all got stories about being admired by someone we didn't quite have the same feelings for...mainly because they were bloody creepy!
I befriended a fellow at university last semester. We started chatting because he had trawled through nearly all the myspace profiles of girls who did journalism. I should have seen what was coming then. He's really a nice, funny, intelligent fellow, but unfortunately unleashed his stalker tendencies on me...
- I had a four hour break between classes on a Tuesday. Without fail, he would somehow find me and talk to me for the entire four hours, believing that I did not want to be lonely. Nice to have company, I suppose, had he not spent those four hours moaning about his girl troubles. Hint hint.
- Would always talk to me on msn, no matter what, even if he didn't really have anything to talk about. Actually, he'd end up moaning about his girl troubles. Hint hint.
- Volunteered to travel all the way to uni (he lives about 2 hours away) on his off day just so I would have someone to sit next to in a lecture. Er, what?
- I was rather depressed about something or other, when he came out with this gem, "I wish it was my job to make you happy." To which I responded with a "wtf?!"
- I am Asian. All of his female friends were Asian. And he had a crush on all of them.
- Tried to inadvertedly ask me out. "What would you say if i asked you out, HYPOTHETICALLY?" he said.
"Well, I'd say no thanks because I'm not attracted to you in the slightest," I replied.
This didn't stop him from then launching into how he'd had a crush on me since BEFORE we'd met... in fact, he found my myspace profile because he'd seen a girl at uni who he wanted to talk to, ie. ME. He'd also apparently talked about me nonstop to all his friends who had helpfully egged him on to talk to me and ask me out. Thanks guys.
Oh, did I mention that I was quite happy with a boyfriend for most of this, and he knew about it?
He got a girlfriend at some point. Hoorah, right? Wrong! He still kept talking about the glory days of when he used to have a crush on me. He even talked about it to his girlfriend!
I blocked his ass from msn, myspace, etc and haven't talked to him since June. Until I got a message from him on my birthday (in august):
"Seems to be your birthday. Happy 19th! You're a good friend to talk to, when you're in a good mood :P"
No, I'm a good friend to talk to when you don't piss me off for being creepy!
Apologies for length and his mental incapacity. Has anyone else been the object of some obsessive person's affections?
(, Tue 2 Oct 2007, 5:30, Reply)
Feeling EmasculatedA few days ago I had to console a rather upset friend at the pub. After a few pints I finally managed to find out what was up with him.
"Last night, in bed, my girlfriend asked me if it was in yet."
What have people said to you to make you feel emasculated or otherwise 6 inches tall?
(, Sun 30 Sep 2007, 20:26, Reply)
Stealing thingsI once stole a fluffy keyring from a friend because I really wanted it (I was 6). What have you stolen, and why?
(, Tue 25 Sep 2007, 15:56, Reply)
C'mon we have to have this one....Stupid idiot customers!!! I'm sure we all have a story to tell about the kind of idiots we've encountered. I work in a shop.. one which sells animals... and oh dear god we get some fucking mad people in here. Oh, and proper *mad* people, as in the 40 year old who comes in wearing a blue helmet because he's a spacktard. And his buddy who had a full blown conversation about politics and weather with one of my fish. I think "watergardens" is code for "mental asylum".
(
Bathory, Mon 24 Sep 2007, 10:51,
Reply)
Bang to rightsHave you ever been caught 'bang to rights' but got away with it?
Many moons ago, I was working abroad and catching a flight home every two weeks for the weekend.
After several months of flying and not getting searched I decided to take half an oz of the finest pollem away with me (I was living in a studio flat on my own & with no social life, it seemed worth the risk!).
Rather than hide the dope on my person, I'd thrown it into the bottom of my rucksack and packed everything on top.
Anyway, when I got to security, I found they were searching the bags of everyone going through as there had been some security alert (this was several years ago, before it all went nuts like it is today).
When I got to the 'dude' (as I shall forever refer to him), I handed my bag over and hoped he would just have a poke about.
I'm a rather calm person by nature and decided to just play it cool and see what happened.
What happened is he emptied every bloody thing out of the bag!
When he got out the last thing, which was a bag of socks that I'd dumped over the gear, he just stared for a few seconds into the bag.
I knew he was staring at my lump of dope and the fear started to rise in my belly.
Then he calmy put the socks back before repacking my bag and handing it to me.
"We're just looking for weapons today sir. Have a nice day." he said with a wink and a little smile.
Although my sphlincter hadn't slackened a micron, I still managed a muffled "you too mate." before walking calmy, yet quickly through to the departure lounge.
I still occasionally raise a glass to that guy. A sane man in and increasingly beaurocratical and analy-retentive society.
Actually, maybe this should be a question about sane men/women in an insane world?
*is too stoned to think about it*
(, Sat 22 Sep 2007, 21:01, Reply)
Charity PushersI've found a few ingenious ways to get rid of the folks that stand around on streets, hassling people to join charities:
1. The phrase "If I can look at your baps for the entire time you talk, then yeah" works quite well.
2. When they make dreaded eye contact, point to behind them in true Invasion of the Bodysnatchers style and the moment they turn round, peg it.
3. Rugby tackle. All you need to say.
What ways have you guys found?
(, Wed 12 Sep 2007, 22:30, Reply)
When time stands stillSaw this discussion on the site and thought it would make for a good QOTW
www.b3ta.com/links/119923
When have you put your foot in it to such an extent the room goes quiet and everyone winces for they know the mental anguish you are about to experience?
(
BadBadman saw an incorrect comma placement on, Mon 10 Sep 2007, 16:14,
Reply)
Things swallowed....A good QOTW would be, whats the strangest thing youve swallowed. Accidentally, or for a dare. Can range from stupidly sucking on a marble to being dared to swallow a grotesque insect.
Once i was sucking on one of those giant gobstoppers when i accidentally swallowed it, i managed to avoid choking but instead it started going down, seeming to ignore the fact that it didnt fit. It took about 15 minutes to go the whole way, de-virginising my eosophagus as it went. Most uniquely painful experience of my life.
(, Sat 1 Sep 2007, 19:17, Reply)
staff training dayswaste of fucking time are they not?
At my last work I got given my vital safety training on my last day so "I couldn't sue"
What takes the biscuit, nay whole bloody jaffa cake was the crap I had to sit through whilst at a super market. Not content with a 'how to mop'* instructional video I had to sit through diversity training. This consisted of five 17 to 22 year olds having to brainstorm all the words your wernt allowed to call people. still at least it was made clear to us that we couldn't call a customer a "fucking mong"**
*anyone at morrisons will verify this for you.
**actual quote. we were not trusted to know that this was innaproprate
(
willenium Fist bump for verification, Sat 1 Sep 2007, 16:15,
Reply)
Best prank EVEREveryone does it at some point. Whether it's the old hand-in-bucket of cold water while they sleep trick OR maybe that time you got as many of your friends as you possibly could to stand in your hallway and tell your mom it was the "annual hallway commitee meeting".
So let 'em rip! The best (or worst), funniest and most outrageous pranks you and your mates have ever pulled.
(, Sat 25 Aug 2007, 0:17, Reply)
Hiding...Last year I went to a rather posh wedding. I correctly predicted that I would be the only guest that fancied a cigarette, and decided to sneak off on my own so that my cancer stick would not spoil the view. I looked around the reception venue in my slightly tipsy state and found what I thought was an amazing hiding place - the hedge maze!!! Suffice to say that within a minute of lighting up my friends had followed my smoke signals and informed me that everyone could see exactly where I had gone...
Where's the worst place you've ever chosen to hide?
(, Fri 24 Aug 2007, 9:33, Reply)
Act your ageToday, me and a friend got thrown out and possibly banned from a cafe for stacking Wii competition adverts on a table.
We ran around the cafe stealing them from tables and stacked it around 10 adverts high which was pretty mighty.
The manager, however, did not appreciate our efforts and tossed us out.
What childish things have you done in public recently? Alternativley, why were you thrown out of somewhere....whatever.
(, Wed 22 Aug 2007, 17:13, Reply)
What cheers you up?When you're pissed off/depressed/suicidal what is guaranteed to cheer you up? The numa numa guy on youtube always cheers me up!
(, Tue 21 Aug 2007, 12:51, Reply)
Stupid IdeasSomeone I know wants to buy their two year old son a laptop, not a fisher price one but a real one. How fucking stupid is that? He can barely talk let alone fucking type! What are the most stupid ideas you've heard of?
(, Tue 21 Aug 2007, 12:24, Reply)
Are all policement complete cnuts?A guy I knew at the football suddenly develped a social conscience (ie saw a good wagepacket) and joined the police. After a month he came back to the match and told us he was doing really great at police college: "This guy from the race relation people came round and asked us to name all the nasty words we could think about for black people. I was the best in the class - I could name loads and loads...."
What's you experiences with Mr and Ms Plod?
(, Mon 20 Aug 2007, 17:54, Reply)
That shouldn't be there...Once upon a time, my dad was rather surprised to find a bolt in a bottle of German beer. Yes, a 5-inch long bolt, complete with nut. He got 3 free crates of beer by way of compensation. What things have you found which shouldn't be there? What did you get out of it?
(, Sun 19 Aug 2007, 20:56, Reply)
Crazy matesWe've all got one, that slightly inbalanced friend who has been around for ever. You can't really stand them, especially when you're trying to impress a ladyfriend and they're regaling said lady with the tale of when you two teamed some really ugly bird.
But you can't bring yourself to ditch them 'cause every so often they do something so funny you find a little bit of wee in your pants.
So, what utter insatity has your crazy mate done that deserves to be recognised by a post on the hallowed walls of QOTW?
(
monkeyboyalpha jumping on the bandwagon since, Sat 11 Aug 2007, 10:25,
Reply)
My worst first dateIt was about two years ago. I was round at my mate's in Surrey for lash-up and his now-wife arrives home later with a friend in tow (tall and brunette - just my type), we chat briefly, bit of smiley-eye and light flirting before I get my train back home to sunny Hammersmith.
Arrange a date with said girl, and it turns out to be the worst experience ever. She turns out to have as an interesting a personality as a goldfish, something which she felt about me as well (as I found out later from mate's now-wife). We went through the motions, boring each other stupid talking about work, life, things we cared about whilst trying to look interested in each other's responses. It was that memorable I can't even remember her name, where she came from, what she did, anything. A painful two hours of drinks around Notting Hill. Neither of us bothered to say 'call me' at the end of the night.
What was your worst first date?
(, Mon 6 Aug 2007, 23:21, Reply)
i dont rember doing that...i went out on saturday night as most do to the pub, stayed till close and then walked the 5 - 10 mins home, got in after falling off the curb countless times and wondering why my key wont fit in the door, i get in and head straight for bed.
in the morning i wake up to my mum asking what it was i did last night, being slightly confused/hungover as she knows i was in the pub say "what are u going on about" she and dad claim that at about 3am i walk into their room and decide to urinate all over the floor!
for the record im not a sleepwalker and isnt something i have done before. i even find it slightly hard to believe..
so what have you done but done rember after being out on the sauce?!
(, Mon 6 Aug 2007, 9:36, Reply)
BOO!The unexplained. Ghosts. Local legends, own experiences, etc. .
(, Sun 29 Jul 2007, 4:41, Reply)
Forgot who your talking to?Ever forgotten who your talking and said something incredibly inappropriate?
I was talking to a friend of a friend and burst out with the Pope and Madeline joke much to their horror and disgust.
(, Wed 25 Jul 2007, 11:30, Reply)
Dive! Dive!One of the many conversations that I wish I hadn't been in was explaining to a little old lady why her telly programme hadn't recorded. She'd tried to record a two-hour film onto an E30 video tape, and it hadn't worked. I explained what the numbers meant, and about SP/LP and all of that. All was going swimmingly, until I asked, somewhat smugly, if she'd like some longer video tapes. "Oh no," she said, "don't worry. I've got lots of tapes, it's just that my husband died before he could tell me what the numbers meant."
Oh.
So, what conversations would you have rather avoided?
(, Fri 20 Jul 2007, 19:40, Reply)
Get my celebrity nameMy Dad works with James Bond. Neither of them have a license to kill, infact they both work in a municipal tip. They spend their afternoons smoking nasty cigarettes, listing to the most god awful country music and swearing at members of the public.
Amuse us all with stories about non-famous folk with famous names.
(, Thu 12 Jul 2007, 15:06, Reply)
A close shaveAt uni, i was in the lab attempting to neutralise a very concentrated acid solution before disposing of it down the sink. As all the bench alkalis were pretty dilute, i opted for a more concentrated saturated carbonate solution. This causes the acid to heat up as it reacts and also produces carbon dioxide gas. Long story short, i fuck up and nearly take my face off as a jet of boiling hot concentrated sulfuric acid just misses my head.
And yes, according to IUPAC it is spelled with an f now. Although Americans have to spell it "aluminium" and "caesium" so we're still 1 up...
(, Wed 11 Jul 2007, 1:35, Reply)
Funny festival or concert stories.At the weekend I was at Oxegen and Babyshambles were playing. They were finishing when the camera panned the crowd and everyone was cheering and suddenly a woman up at the front got hit in the face by a half full beer cup and it was all over the screens so everyone seen it, also there was some fat chap running around the campsites only wearing a sock.....on his cock.
(, Tue 10 Jul 2007, 0:22, Reply)
Just before the EnglandHolland game in Euro 96, I cracked 4 eggs into a frying pan and every one had a double yolk. I'd never seen one before or since.
This was clearly a sign from Jesus Christ himself that England were about to score 4 goals.
What signs have you received from god?
(
Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Fri 6 Jul 2007, 20:48,
Reply)
Have a go HeroIn light of John Smeaton's heroics at Glasgow Airport where he gave those Al Qaeda boys a good going over...Have you ever been in a situation where you've stepped in to lend a hand ?
Did it go well or did you end up with egg on your face (and a bruise or two) ?
news.sky.com/skynews/article/0,,30100-1273453,00.html
1st post Virgin !
(, Tue 3 Jul 2007, 17:05, Reply)
Crazy RelativesI have a family of freaks - aren't all families freaks? Here are a couple of examples...
My grandmother;
Told us that on her way home from the supermarket, she fell over a step, her EYE fell out, and she had to put it back in, but there was grit on it, and she couldn't see properly now.
She also used to curse us all - I remember being aged 11 when she told me I'd have the curse of hair growing in profusion ALL OVER MY BODY!
AND, (when I was 15) that if I had my nose pierced I would end up with a big black wart on it!
She cursed my younger brother so that he couldn't pass his driving test, and he DIDN'T - for years!
Funniest thing ever though, was when she had fallen asleep in the arm chair on a sunny afternoon, Barley Wine in one hand, Peter Stuyveson in the other (nasty cigarette for those who don't know) staggered up to bed and woke up several hours later to a Darth Vader sounding fireman - thinking she was in HELL as the smoke and flames billowed round her...
she didn't predict that one...
Please click 'i like this' as the rest of my family are crazy too, I love to share...and this is NOTHING compared to what my mother was like....
(
curvylittlegoth heard the voices in your head on, Tue 3 Jul 2007, 0:07,
Reply)
unfortunate regs... i saw a car last saturday with the reg:
PE04 FIL
and one car in my area is
R3T ARD
or similar.
I quite like this one:
EK55 WFE
what unfortunate or involuntarily funny car ergs have you seen?
(
bierbelly, Fri 22 Jun 2007, 0:34,
Reply)
Public sex!Where was the best public (or semi-public) place you ever had sex?
Here's mine: www.virtualblueridge.com/parkway_tour/overlooks/00019.asp
Just past the stone retaining wall at the edge of the parking lot the ground drops off just enough to have sex standing up without being seen...
(
The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 21 Jun 2007, 16:40,
Reply)
What about 'Your Last Meal?'You're on Death Row, to be executed or whatever, and you're allowed whatever you like, within reason, for your last meal.
I'd have several pieces of fried chicken, spicy wings, chips and Dr Pepper, but then again I am a Fat.
It would be either that, or a full Christmas dinner with everything.
(
moohalaa, Thu 14 Jun 2007, 14:18,
Reply)
Where is the best place in the world?I've got loads of best places....places I've been on holiday, places where I've been really happy, or had great things happen to me...
So where are they and why are they the best?
(
chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Tue 12 Jun 2007, 19:35,
Reply)
Collective nounsOkay, we know that a large congragation of geese is known as a "Gaggle" and I believe that aside from a herd, a large number of cows is known as a "murder".
What collective nouns do you feel appropriate for more mundane situations? Personally I'd go with a "Belm" of PE teachers, an "Unintelligible" of Brummies and perhaps a "Twat" of New Labour MPs.
(, Fri 8 Jun 2007, 9:23, Reply)
Really crap unfunny jokesWhat is the single most unfunny joke you've heard? So crap you find yourself laughing?
You know the ones: What's brown and sticky? A stick.
And others of that ilk, etc ad infinitum.
(, Thu 7 Jun 2007, 14:32, Reply)
The Reason you are going to hellI have several of my own and mates stories here, so here goes.
A friend on the bus said that if i didn't do something (I forget what) that he would go "Mental, And I mean TOTALLY FUCKING DOWNS SYNDROME" at me.
We often take the piss out of the fat guy in McDonalds. The funniest is when we put our cash right on our side of the counter so he has to struggle to reach it. Hilarity ensues.
A friend met another one of my friends at college. Later he told me that he saw someone in a wheelchair who looked like them and shouted "YOU DON'T NEED A WHEELCHAIR". As you can guess, it wasn't them, instead it was an extremely offended disabled fella.
(, Sat 2 Jun 2007, 20:40, Reply)
How aboutthe last time something made you happy? Not just the "I had a really satisfying poo this morning" type, but the last time something made the sun seem a bit brighter and the air seem fresher and made you glad to be alive?
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The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 31 May 2007, 15:36,
Reply)
Room 101 sounds excellent,and will discourage people that don't read, or watch BBC2 - there may be intelligent reasoning behind posts. Although...
(
disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Thu 31 May 2007, 15:16,
Reply)
Im suprised this one hasn't bindun."mishearings"
As a child i was constantly keeping my eye out for giraffes around the house and garden, as my mother would often state that there was a 'draft coming through the window'
i'm unsure if i was frightened or intrigued. never found any giraffes mind.
(
cupz, Wed 30 May 2007, 6:36,
Reply)
socially awkward momentsSaid something you really didn't think about beforehand? talk about you're crossing of social faux-pa's and the awkward situations they have caused, e.g.:
I was with some of my friends outside a bowls green, when one of my friends made a slightly rascist joke, then proceeded to look around to make sure no one of the aforementioned race was around, to which i responded "why are you looking around? you know they don't let n*****s on the green!"
(, Sat 19 May 2007, 15:00, Reply)
My "I'm Going to Hell" Story.Apart from the usual masturbation,thieving,fighting,and being a general git, the worst thing i've ever done was throw stuff at a person in a wheelchair.
Granted i was only 4 years old, but still i feel bad from time to time.
What's the worst thing anyone here has ever done?
(, Sun 13 May 2007, 21:57, Reply)
Whats the least amount of work you had to do to pull?at a party sometime in 2005:
Girl:"where do you live"
Housemate:"at [not telling you]avenue"
G:" oh wow! ive shagged five people on that road!"
H:"want To make it a clean half dozen?"
H: *gets laid*
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willenium Fist bump for verification, Fri 11 May 2007, 18:06,
Reply)
and then the moment diedy'know when you are with someone and theres an emotional moment, perhaps a soppy moment in a film or a nice starry night. How did you kill that moment?
(, Fri 11 May 2007, 10:04, Reply)
Mum's - Bless emThere are certain things that only mums do
IE: not just checking but Scruitinising the docket after shopping, making sure everythings on there, nothings on there twice, and nothings been over charged.
OR
The ever present snot rag up the cardigan sleeve. Cloth hankies repulse me at the best of times, why would i want to keep wadded up nose treasure about my person?
What does your mum do that gets right up your nose in its futility and pointlessness?
(, Wed 2 May 2007, 1:55, Reply)
DeadlinesIts that time of year for us university students, where we all have to hand in our coursework to the lecturas. And even though we had it at the begining of the term , its still left 24 hours before deadline.
What desperate things have you done to make sure your work is handed in on time?
(
Captain Pilchard The king of B-movies!, Thu 26 Apr 2007, 1:31,
Reply)
Conversations with taxi driversI've just got home (a little bit zrunk) but on the way home, I got a taxi ride with a very nice fellow and we had a very heated debate about cars (i.e. what was good and what was shit etc).
It occured to me that we've all had crazy conversations with taxi drivers, good and bad. Let us know all your 'blah blah blah, hanging's too good for 'em' stories.
(
HoratioFellatio Taking the the out of psychotherapist, Sun 15 Apr 2007, 2:10,
Reply)
Selfish reasonsSome of this weeks image challenges reminded me of another childhood memory:
When I was at junior school, I really wanted my parents to get divorced. The reason?...
My friend's parents had just had a nasty break up and in an effort to buy their child's love, they would buy him all the latest toys. I figured that if my parents split up, i'd get bought all the latest cool stuff too.
What evil, ill-conceived plans have you hatched purely in the pursuit of utterly selfish motives?
(
HoratioFellatio Taking the the out of psychotherapist, Thu 12 Apr 2007, 16:10,
Reply)
Ghostly EncountersMy dad is convinced his little council bungalow is haunted. Things would move and turn up in odd places (a screwdriver once went missing whilst he was repairing a door and turned up a week later in a bag of potatoes!) and the dog would often stare at the corner of the room, look up and growl at nothing. Anyway.
I didn't really take it too seriously until I went to visit him for a few days. One morning I woke up to a strange tapping noise in the room. As I tried to get out of the bed a breeze of air caught the curtains (like someone had run through the room) and I felt a heaviness on my chest (like someone was sitting on my chest) and worst of all, two cold hands around my neck, throttling me. For close to five minutes I couldn't scream or move. I didn't tell my dad, but five years on I've owned up that I've also had my own ghostly issues with the bungalow and given him a digital camera and minidisk recorder to catch any strange goings-on.
So far we've only caught black shapes on camera, but oddly whenever you take anything battery powered (rechargable or otherwise) into the bedroom the power saps instantly.
Scarily, 13 years into his tenancy dad has gotten used to his visitor and often can communicate with him (her?) crudely - when the tapping starts late at night my dad says 'come on now, shut up' and it stops instantly.
What are your spooky tales?
(, Thu 12 Apr 2007, 13:30, Reply)
Since everyone puts them in their stories anyway,how about a challenge that doesn't make us dredge up memories - One that would be accepted by all - One that will go down in history...
The best length joke you can think of.
(, Tue 10 Apr 2007, 17:28, Reply)
What wasyour most memorable "What The Fuck!!" moment.
This QOTW would cover so many different areas that it is bound to be both funny and informative.
So, how about it? "Your Best WTF! Moment"
(, Sun 8 Apr 2007, 5:10, Reply)
customerseveryone has an awful-customer story. i think that would make a fun qotw
(, Fri 23 Mar 2007, 9:24, Reply)
Little things that cause a big annoyance.Today in the office i happened to notice the amount of people who would eat their lunch at their desks. Even people would go to the canteen and bring back a full plate of hot food and eat it at their desks. I mean why? its lunch time, youre not getting apid for it and wouldnt it be nice to eat dinner in peace without the phone ringing, emails coming in and people coming up to you just as youve rammed your mouth with a cornish pasty. Why do people do this? Its sooo annoying, get a life!
So i was figuring, what little things really annoy you a lot?
(, Thu 15 Mar 2007, 17:01, Reply)
conversation killersAs mentioned in a previous QOTW, I went to boarding school.One favourite activity that didn't include cocks was staying up dead late secretly and talking for ages on end.
On one such night, with everyone really tired and talking about the already fascinating subject of football shirts, on of my mates piped up with "my dad bought a blue shirt once". Yes. that was it.
*tumbleweed*
we all went to bed after collapsing into fits of laughter
(
morrybyte made a subtle namechange at, Wed 14 Mar 2007, 21:59,
Reply)
petty petty pettyMy ex-housemate once had a rant at me for going to the pub for six hours on a sunday afternoon and forgetting to turn my bedroom light off. She said it was "an awful waste". I checked the bill and at the rate they charge us it probably cost about 3p. I was especially amused by the fact that she left it on to prove a point rather than just, say, turning it off herself.
What's the pettiest thing anyone's heard anyone complain about, or has complained about themselves?
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yes yes yes man oi mate, someone's writtten 'bum' on your neck, Wed 14 Mar 2007, 14:15,
Reply)
casual racismhas a racist comment you've made in good jest ever been taken out of context by a third party observer?
(, Tue 6 Mar 2007, 16:21, Reply)
The Best Part About Being a ____________________The best part about being a woman is not having to use the men's toilet. I just walked past one and now I'd like to take a shower...
(
salamander, Tue 20 Feb 2007, 15:44,
Reply)
If you could go back in time and change 1 thing..What would it be? How would your life had been different? Naturally the correct answer is nothing, you live without regrets. But we all know thats bollocks really. So what would you pick?
I would have broken the legs of my rival for the last bowling place in the middlesex under twelve colt squad when I had the chance.
I didnt, and look at the state the England team is in now.
(, Sun 11 Feb 2007, 22:47, Reply)
Bad first impressions?I work in an office in the middle of Vienna for the Austrian army. It's a bit of a posh place, it's the military accademy. I'm just a lowly recruit who writes all day and surfs the internet.
Anyway I have a General as boss, but I'd never seen him until recently. And oh boy. Going for lunch, I saw someone walk into the toilet from the hallway, and I needed a piss anyway and decided to follow. Walked in to the toilet, went to the urinals and noticed that one of the shitters was locked. Aha. Cue a massively long fart, *splat* (Austrian toilets have a platfrom so you can look at your poo) and me laughing and calling my comrade a dirty bastard. I was in fits of giggles until the door opened.
shit.
needless to say, he doesn't like me very much. My mate had walked into the kitchen next to the toilets and obviously found this hilarious later.
(
morrybyte made a subtle namechange at, Fri 9 Feb 2007, 13:01,
Reply)
The local bike....This bird "Sam" aka the local Bike had a bit of a reputation....
Not totally unwarranted either....
Just a couple of examples of her escapades...
Walking into a crowded room during a party and sitting on a chair and proceding to, how can I put it, er, go to work on herself in front of everyone and announce she "would take all comers", she wasnt shy and not even bat an eyelid..
And then...While 7 months preggers, getting done over a sofa by someone other than her boyfiend..
And she doesnt care..
From what I last heard, she is still going strong..
Some rumors going round said she was 'making a living from it'
Classy lady.
Every towns got one..
Most workplaces have got one..
You have probably been there...
Tell all...
(, Fri 9 Feb 2007, 11:41, Reply)
Embarrassing ends to an otherwise romantic/sexual encounter...Once upon a weekend I was stupid enough to indulge in an act of drunken ruderies with a guy from work, and somehow I had (possibly due to vast amounts of inhibition-numbing dutch courage) managed to convince aforementioned bloke that I was in fact some kind of brazen sex goddess.
Needless to say, upto this point things were going swimmingly.
That is, until it is time for me to leave...
After donning the previous nights' killer heels I head for the door and, preparing myself for a lingering made-for-the-movies style goodbye... promptly go arse over tit down his stairs almost killing his cat in the process.
I wouldn't invite me back...
The worst part is I can still see the look of sheer terror on poor moggy's face as my arse came hurtling towards it...
What ways have you managed to royally screw up an almost beautiful moment??
(, Sun 4 Feb 2007, 21:07, Reply)
I fucked upA friend mine screwed up and dumped a load of waste water (human excrement) on his boss yet somehow he managed to keep his job.
What is your biggest mistake at work?
(
Terry Oblong There's nobody here but us chickens on, Sat 3 Feb 2007, 23:54,
Reply)
In The Guardian, on Thursdays, in the G2 section ...... there's a kind of "readers act as agony aunt" feature ... someone writes in with a problem (my brother hates his son so what should I do?/how can I tell my best friend he's morbidly obese? etc) and the following week, good Guardian readers have written in with sage advice ... b3ta could shadow this with some b3tan advice?
The Guardian online also has this feature and the latest is at:
lifeandhealth.guardian.co.uk/privatelives/0,,1600401,00.html
Or perhaps b3tans could just write or email direct?
(
writerblock ... embedding disabled by request on, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 22:36,
Reply)
UnderageSmoking, drinking, movies, pubs, clubs - it seems a vital part of teenage life to attempt to partake in the illicit activities for which you are but a few years too young.
The first time I tried to buy some beers from an off licence aged about 14, I had the cunning plan of purchasing some crisps at the same time, so as to appear "casual". It's safe to say I was sent on my way, although the barbecue beef Hula Hoops were of some comfort.
Let's hear your stories, excuses, successes and failures for attempted underage activities.
(, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 16:39, Reply)
the longest I have been without sleepHow long have you gone without sleep and why?
I oftten get into something and forget to go to bed untill the next morning/afnternoon/day after tomorrow. so far the longest i ever stayed up was 80 hours, as a young teen in an effort to intercept the posty comming at stupid o'clock am with the impending letter form school to inform my parents of my near suspention for signing a reigster as Pat McGroin. (Cris P. Bacon got a suspended sentance.)
Aprrently the substite teacher found this to be obcene, thank fuck i didnt go with Mike Hunt
(
willenium Fist bump for verification, Wed 31 Jan 2007, 19:42,
Reply)
Rites of passage! rites of passage!Do this for a qotw please! I just read it and loved the idea, its also a chance to share my belief that you dont really become a man untill you can get socks and pants for a birthday or cristmass and deep down in your heart genuinely appreciate them as a usefull and practical gift. ("super, I wont have to go shopping for months now")
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willenium Fist bump for verification, Wed 31 Jan 2007, 19:31,
Reply)
Describe yourself as a houseSimilar to somethingawful.com's Comedy Goldmine thread, "Compare Your Genitals to Cars".
As a tiny American girl with mental health issues I might descibe myself as:
Tiny clean home with lovely double paned windows (I wear glasses), tile floors (shaved privates), unstable attic. Dark blonde drapes included.
Or something a great deal more clever than I can think up.
(, Sun 28 Jan 2007, 14:51, Reply)
Rites of passageToday I saw a kid of about five years old sobbing his heart out after he learned that a helium filled balloon really will float away into the sky if you let go of it. Then I remembered I sobbed my heart out when my ice cream melted and fell off the cone into the sand on a beach in Weymouth when I was a similar age.
What other rites of passage do all kids have to go through to earn a degree from the university of life?
(
TriedItOnceAndDidn'tLikeIt made you lose the game on, Fri 26 Jan 2007, 18:50,
Reply)
ScroungersI get called all sorts of names at work: "scrounger", "pikey", etc., due to my habit of not being able to throwq anything away without seriously considering its usefulness. For example, I am building a filing system out of cardboard boxes which just happen to be ideal for A4-sized paper, and the white plastic stick things from the coffee machine refills make perfect plant labels for my allotment. I also have the entire lounge carpet from my local pub to keep weeds down.
However, this habit has paid off. About three weeks ago they were having a clearout at work and nestling in the bin I found a fully-working HP Laserjet 2300d printer. For your information this is a 1200-dpi, full-duplex laser printer which cost around £470 plus VAT when new. It was being thrown away because it was the only one left (all the others are 1300n) and they wanted all the printers to be standard.
My B3ta Gallery(
Amos E Wolfe makes vinyl signs and things like that, Fri 26 Jan 2007, 13:24,
Reply)
I beat the bulliesAfter the previous QOTW which has seen a pile of stories about how some poor kid got picked on, I think it's time we had one big schadenfreude-fest and reveal how we (or someone you know) got one over on them?
Did you do it yourself and beat them to a pulp, or did you let Karma sort things out for you (eg. getting a high-paying job and meeting them many years later cleaning toilets)?
(
mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Tue 23 Jan 2007, 11:52,
Reply)
procrastinationWe're all avoiding exam revision at the moment: my friend put up some fairly lights this afternoon (even though it's not Christmas) and I spent yesterday afternoon cleaning my desk.
(
thistle, Thu 18 Jan 2007, 18:31,
Reply)
Things you weren't meant to seeNot only was i not meant to be in that place at that particular time but it still haunts me to this day. What or where have you been that you wish you hadn't??
(, Thu 28 Dec 2006, 8:19, Reply)
Things you've gotten away with.Short of murder of course. Best kept to yourself.
I once stole a car, I was drunk, had no way home, didn't want to walk.
The keys were left in it (I'm no master car thief). Parked it half a block from my house. It was still there 2 days later, then was gone.
(, Thu 28 Dec 2006, 0:50, Reply)
When was the last time you made someone cry?I yelled at a 17-year old girl because she couldn't read a recipe. There have GOT to be less lame reasons out there...
(
salamander, Fri 22 Dec 2006, 13:19,
Reply)
Tall StoriesLet's face it half the stories in QOTW are made up anyway. So why not, for 1 week only, give everyone carte blanche to post what ever tall tales they wish to concoct.
(, Thu 21 Dec 2006, 23:07, Reply)
fill in the followingI/my partner/family/neighbors should be on Jeramy Kyle beacuse....
Pens are available from your local job center if needed, just fill out form P3N 11 to claim pen benafits.
(
willenium Fist bump for verification, Thu 30 Nov 2006, 14:52,
Reply)
Shitting Storiesi think a good question to ask would be... where is the strangest/adventurous place you have had a shit?
i have about 4 to tell and would very much like to tell the tales....
many thanks and regards
iamyounotme
(, Wed 29 Nov 2006, 18:53, Reply)
Chat Up Linesseveral years ago, me and a friend decided to invent the worst, most unnapealing chat up line imagineable. we found that by combining different 'classic' lines we could come up with pure nonsense -
"heres 10p love, ive just farted"
"Do you like animals?" (yes) "wanna meet my crabs?" etc....
what classic fun! whats the most memorable line youve ever come across??
(, Wed 29 Nov 2006, 15:08, Reply)
Arse coverageMost of the most innane regulations are purely to exempt instutions from leagal resposiblity. for instance at my last work i was given safety training two weeks before i was about to leave "so I couldent say i never had traing if i got injred or sufferd health problems in later life".
what experinces have you had with people going to great lengths to cover thier arse?
(
willenium Fist bump for verification, Sat 25 Nov 2006, 12:55,
Reply)
Apparantly, I know someone who's slept with Peaches GeldofWhat odd things have your friends claimed they've done?
(, Wed 22 Nov 2006, 22:47, Reply)
My GrandfatherUsed to follow my dad as he walked to work - for years... my dad was well aware of this, but every now and again he'd turn around so that he could catch a glimpse of my grandfather leaping into somebody's garden.
Who's the strangest person in your family... And why?
(, Tue 14 Nov 2006, 2:50, Reply)
body modification horrors!Got your girlfriend stuck on your Prince Albert? Had an argument with your tattoo artist mid-tattoo? Piercing mysteriously dissloved the cartilege in your ear? Or worse: decided to pierce yourself while you were drunk? Go on, I wanna hear all the gory details!
(, Fri 10 Nov 2006, 19:36, Reply)
mid-rant, remembered this:i now have a great plumber. he's a nice guy, doesn't overcharge, and i trust him.
however, my last plumber was let into my flat by the letting agent, and proceeded to spunk all over my wet knickers, just removed from the washing machine whilst i ran out to get lunch.
what have people done whilst someone was out, or what have they had done to them?
(, Thu 9 Nov 2006, 13:54, Reply)
doctoring films quotesSo, I once stumbled upon the hilarity of introducing the same set phraze to the end of different famous film quotes.
The particular phraze i used was
"with tea and biscuits"
for instance-
"i love the smell of napalm in the morning with tea and biscuits"
"we're gonna need a bigger boat with tea and biscuits"
"hes not the messiah, hes a very naughty boy with tea and biscuits"
"you want the truth, you cant handle the truth with tea and biscuits"
and so on,
in addition to this. there is the replacement method which works in the same manner, except, you replace a single word with an obscenity.
the substitution of the word "fight" with the word "wank" in the 8 rules of fight club works as a fine example, in typical b3tard style. ie,
#1 - The first rule of Wank Club is, you do not talk about Wank Club.
#2 - The second rule of Wank Club is, you DO NOT talk about Wank Club.
#3 - If someone yells stop, goes limp, taps out, the Wank is over.
#4 - Only two guys to a Wank.
#5 - One Wank at a time fellas.
#6 - No shirts, no shoes, no ties.
#7 - Wanks will go on as long as they have to.
#8 - If this is your first night at Wank Club, you have to Wank.
yeah, how about doctored films quotes then?
my first post so be gentle,
-beard of destiny
(, Thu 9 Nov 2006, 13:48, Reply)
Stupid songsWhat stupid songs have you made up that you *have* to sing at certain moments in an obsessive compulsive sort of way?
E.g. in the weasel residence whoever goes to check the post has to sing one of the following songs in the event of no post:
'The Postman hasn't been yet song'
The postman has not beeeeeeeeeeen!
There's no post to be seeeeeeeeen!
If the postman has been but there's no post for either of us then the checker has to sing the 'No Post' song:
No post for me,
No post for you,
I have no post,
You have none too.
Both are inexplicably sung in squeaky high voices. It's great fun in our house*
*Ms Weasel's on prozac and I'm an alchoholic...
(, Tue 7 Nov 2006, 15:54, Reply)
MightyI often wish I had the ability to make people think that their testicles are on fire, when in fact, they are not.
It would start as a slight itch and then gradually increase to a warm, then hot then flaming hot sensation on the knackers, making it all the more amusing to observe and leaving my victim screaming and flapping about in front of large crowds of people but with no actual lasting damage.
This way I get to inflict humitliating revenge upon people who barge into me on the bus or give me dirty looks in the street, or maybe just because it's funny, which obviously it is.
I also would like the power to make people break into song and dance seemingly spontaneously, especially in art galleries, museums and funerals.
ooh, and laser eye burny vision to pop the tyres of people who nearly run me over, which seems to happen quite frequently.
I have actually strained quite hard to make the above happen but to little avail. Am I the only one that craves a specialised power purely for the sake of petty vengeance...? What would yours be?
(, Tue 7 Nov 2006, 15:45, Reply)
birth storieswhen i was born i was stuck in an incubator for a few weeks, my lungs hadn't formed properly, i still have the scars (at 21), and am apparently very lucky to be alive
did anything interesting happen to you when you were born or during a birth you have seen?
(, Sat 4 Nov 2006, 2:42, Reply)
Unexpectedly made to look really coolMy mind draws a blank for my best examples of this but this one should give you an idea of what I mean.
5-6 years old, playing soccer, I believe I was forced to play it though I don't remember for sure, in any case like all sports I was terrible at it and took little to no joy in it. One day however I decided to break from tradition and take pride in it and really concentrate hard so I could really play properly for once.
I remembered what coach told me, his sage words memorized eternally "Keep your eyes on the ball whatever you do keep your eyes on the ball don't let it out of your sight". I tried hard to memorize the advice so I could use it as a mantra during the game, in fact I was doing a very good job of focusing all mental capacity onto chanting this over and over. That was until my thought process was rudely interrupted by a large spherical object striking the front of my skull at incredible speed. My immediate response was confusion, I was totally stunned, I believe I may well have been out cold for a fraction of a second there however I managed to remain standing staring straight at the goals. Then I hear this cheering, apparantly I've just headed an incredible goal with pinpoint accuracy and am a hero amongst the team. I think my steadfast still pose that the shock had caused me to strike up further added to the illusion that this was deliberate as well. It hurt like a bitch but I certainly made sure not to ruin it by mentioning that it had been an accident.
(, Thu 2 Nov 2006, 15:22, Reply)
Worst ever first impressions....Is there a first meeting with someone that just makes you want to curl up and die?
(, Thu 26 Oct 2006, 23:27, Reply)
EuphemismsWhat are the best euphemisms you've ever heard/invented?
(, Wed 25 Oct 2006, 9:13, Reply)
"...and it was never mentioned again"What do you know about your friends and family that manners dictate you aren't allowed to mention in conversation with them ever?
What is 'off limits' to talk about?
Has anyone ever caught you doing anything embarrissing and - despite awkwardness afterwards - never actually mentioned it since?
For example, a friend of mine was exorcised as a child.. but despite all the potential jokes, he's not happy if it is brought up.
(
monkeon schmonkeon, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 14:41,
Reply)
Rubbish ExcusesWhen caught masturbating, the only rubbish excuse that springs to mind is "I was cleaning it", leading naturally to the challenge:
"Oh yes, and what's this crusty sock I found under your bed?"
"I ...err... trod in milk."
What rubbish excuses have you given? Eh? EH?
(
Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Wed 11 Oct 2006, 12:36,
Reply)
Trick or TreatingThe first year I went trick or treating I went with my best mate Colin. It was pouring down with rain, and for 4 hours we were knock knocking nonstop. At the end of the night it turns out the bag he'd been putting the money in had a hole in and the only thing we had to show for the last 4 hours was a cold, I was livid.
I got my own back the next year though, I made sure I was in charge of the money collecting and I delibrately cut a hole in the bag I kept the coins in. Hah, another 4 hours of trick or treating totally wasted, that showed him.
(, Fri 6 Oct 2006, 0:49, Reply)
What is your brain up to while you're sleeping?Bizarre dreams/nightmares.
Last night I was to ride in a car with JFK and Gov. Connelly through Dallas on a fine November afternoon. I kept wondering if I should tell them or if that would spoil the surprise.
(
setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Thu 5 Oct 2006, 15:43,
Reply)
Our Song don't tell your partner you hate itWhen I first met my wife she decided that she would dedicate the song "How do I live" by LeAnn Rimes to me and then assumed it was "our song", we had our first dance at our wedding reception to it.
Only one problem I can't stand it, I hate country and western music, I tried not to tell her but after years of listening to the sentimental crap at least once a week, it goes on for over 4 mins, I was drunk one night and cracked and told her how I felt about the song.
Now I wish I had kept my trap shut, as I still have to listen to the track but also have to put up with the look on her face when it is on.
(, Mon 2 Oct 2006, 17:17, Reply)
This week don't answer a question but write a long complicated storyabout nothing. Caps are optional.
(
d d, Mon 2 Oct 2006, 1:25,
Reply)
Awkward silences...We've all been there when someone has called the Vicar a fucknut at a funeral, causing the pianist to stop and everybody go quiet.
Tell us your most thoughtless moments of ineptitude...
(, Sun 1 Oct 2006, 22:17, Reply)
Pretentious Job TitlesMy daughter has got a part time job as a:
'Customer Fashion Advisor With Special Responsibility For Stock Replenishment'
She is a shop assistant in a chavy clothes shop and has to stack shelves.
What pretentious job titles have you come across and what do they really mean?
(, Wed 27 Sep 2006, 9:25, Reply)
Office humourWorking in an office can be boring as shite, so how do you keep the morale high?
We've had the usual giant paper airplane tournament, office soccer and a full scale badminton match (while still wearing headsets), which resulted with me flipping over a chair and almost breaking me neck mid-call. What do you guys do?
(
Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Tue 26 Sep 2006, 19:21,
Reply)
Practical JokesSuch an obvious one i cant believe its not been done before?!
Like the time my mate Phil whilst teaching me to rock climb let me fall 30ft before gripping the rope again, yeah DEAD funny Phil the state of my undies however wasn't. Cock!
(, Thu 7 Sep 2006, 12:53, Reply)
Inappropriate crushes / unrequited loveHave we done this? Dunno.
Me, it was my dentist. She had this enormous pair of ....
ANYWAY!
The Sigmund Freud in me wants to find out how many people 'fess up to fancying their mum.
As an entirely scientific experiment, naturally.
(
Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Tue 5 Sep 2006, 19:48,
Reply)
Life changing experimentslike those books by dave gorman or danny wallace, doing a strange "stunt" for a period of time/ forever in an attempt to make your life better or more wholesome (see "yes man" by danny wallace for example)
(, Sun 3 Sep 2006, 18:40, Reply)
rented accomodationhas this been done?
we've all lived in some dodgy accomodation at some point. landlords/flatmates/kips falling apart.
one of my worst was when myself and two mates moved into a 'three' bedroom house. we're sitting downstairs having our first cup of tea in our new gaff when a strange and slightly smelling bloke walks in the door. the front doors at the other end of the kitchen so somehow he's sneaked. except he hadn't he'd been there all the time. he lived in the 4th room of the house that the landlord had described to us as 'locked for storage'when we were looking round. so we had to live with this freak for a year. and he was a proper dangerous mentalist...
oops- just seen the one below. flatmates/rented accomodation topic then
(, Wed 23 Aug 2006, 17:30, Reply)
I had a flatmate whowas a complete fucking pshyco. She stole money from me once and systematically over the course of 3 weeks moved all of the dirty plates/glasses/pots/pans etc in to the garden because she was a nut.
She was 38 (the rest of us are mid 20's). She ended up getting in to a wierd scene at a fetish club and getting smacked out all weekend on date rape drugs and selling sex to the randy old fellas at the this club. After a while she started bringing these losers home and generally causing agro.
In the end we gave her 4 weeks to move out but I kicked her out after 3 days because she told my landlord I was growing weed and tried to get her spaz BF to beat me up.
I wasn't, and he didn't BTW.
What's your "cnut flatmate story".
First post. Big cock.
(, Wed 23 Aug 2006, 17:08, Reply)
Public exams!It's results day on Thursday - the day the new QOTW comes out. A good opportunity for exam-room games/disasters or results day over-reactions, or in fact anything to do with the bane of modern youth that is public exams.
(, Tue 15 Aug 2006, 12:57, Reply)
Relatives that your family Don't Talk About.I was talking to a lass the other day who has an uncle who's not a spy.
I found out fairly recently myself that I had a great-uncle who emigrated to Australia with his family but went a bit doolally with the heat, and took a shotgun and wiped out his family before shooting himself.
Do you have relatives that your family never talk about, and why? Or maybe you're the one that your family never mentions?
(
Peregr1n @peregr1n, Sat 12 Aug 2006, 18:58,
Reply)
I hate my Co-workersPracticle jokes have become rife in our office, all the classics have been done. Handcream on the earpiece of the phone, resetting AutoCorrect to read monkey, poo and cabbage. What has been the best joke you have played and can I steal it??
(, Thu 10 Aug 2006, 12:32, Reply)
Hotel Storieswhat have you done in a hotel that is worth merit? destroyed a room? locked your friends in a cupboard and left them there? Divulge your secrets...
(, Thu 3 Aug 2006, 0:14, Reply)
I got another suggestionLet's NOT have a question of the week that involves drink or drugs. Surely there's only so many "Hurhurhur we were so wasted..." stories the populace can handle?
(
Bats, Wed 26 Jul 2006, 9:56,
Reply)
What's your lifelong dream?What is it you've always wanted to do, and someway or another, how are you going to do it/afford to do it?
Could be a farm in Fiji with a cow, and a sheep, or simply making the world's largest ball of string.
Be interesting to have something non-bowel movement, or mutilation related. Look how popular the 'Beautiful Moments' one was!
(
Bats, Sun 23 Jul 2006, 9:45,
Reply)
I Cried Like A Girl.I'm loathe to admit it, but I cried like a wee girlie while watching the last episode of Doctor Who. In my defence, I am - damnit - a girl.
Shut up!
Anyhow, what odd stuff has made you weep openly?
(, Sat 22 Jul 2006, 15:02, Reply)
Culinary disastersI once cooked a curry in which I ignored the recipe for a single spoon of curry paste and used the whole jar. Result: bottom napalm.
What's the worst thing you've ever cooked? Extra credit for road kill.
(
Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Mon 17 Jul 2006, 22:45,
Reply)
Weird clients/colleaguesA veritable hotbed of funny stories. I particularly want this one because I just this morning received an email from one of my clients offering "personal services" in lieu of payment.
I'm a 23yr old girl and he's a middle-aged Russian accordion player.
(, Thu 6 Jul 2006, 12:16, Reply)
messages to your younger selfif you could send a message to yourself in the past, what would you tell your earlier incarnation - aside from the obvious stuff like 'invest in microsoft' or 'the lottery numbers for week 87 are xxx'
mine would be -
hold hands with the girl you really fancy in middle school - you'll never see her again after that day and regret it well into your thirties.
don't fuck around so much in university. work and actually get that degree.
tell sam not to get involved with that boyfriend coz he's a dangerous psycho and you'll avoid being beaten to death.
tell my brother not to get involved with that girl who gives him an std that causes you to retire aged thirty.
dont apply for so many credit cards.
b3tans - how would you fix the future?
lh
(, Thu 6 Jul 2006, 11:21, Reply)
Bizarre eating habits.What about food? I've heard some hilarious foody stories like my mate who has to eat Lyles Golden syrup on her beans, and another mate who eats chicken and banana sandwiches...
(
Mrs.Sp@m, Thu 29 Jun 2006, 14:54,
Reply)
Biggest regretSuggested this before and I'll go on suggesting it until you choose it!!
What do you regret doing? and more importantly, what do you regret NOT doing? Needless to say, most of the latter are sex based, i.e. why, why, why did I not say "I've never kissed a girl before, can you show me how?" to the lovely girl who was confused by my (seeming) lack of passion!!! Would have popped two whole years before it finally happened.
(, Thu 29 Jun 2006, 10:53, Reply)
Souvenirs, and not the tat from holiday.The souvenires that really matter i.e. those knickers of the first shag, or the policemans cap my mate nicked from the back of the car as they dropped him off after nicking him on a DUI, or what stuck to your hand when leaving work/school for the last time just to remind you....
So what have you 'taken' from somewhere/someone to remind you of them, or just to piss them off?
(, Tue 27 Jun 2006, 0:40, Reply)
Roommate from Hell.Should make up for some interesting stories.
No i have not checked the 60+ pages with suggestions, and no i have not read the entire list with qotw's from christmas past.
(, Thu 15 Jun 2006, 14:34, Reply)
Misunderstood Alternative LifestylesAs part of a course I'm doing at college we were asked to do an essay on alternative lifestyles. Most people chose the gothic lifestyle, I didn't. I chose the lifestyle of heroin addicts.
I stayed with two heroin addicts at their home for a week. I was expecting it to be scummy, riddled with needles etc. How wrong I was. The children were well fed and clothed, the house was tidy and needle free.
This, however, was one side of the coin.
I spent a week living a homeless lifestyle with another heroin addict. He went out stealing to pay for his habit, injected into his groin and all the other nasty stuff associated with heroin addiction.
I was able to draw similarities from each case:
1) came up with a "sob" story to explain how they became addicted
2) never offered me any drugs
3) would not wish their addiction on their worst enemy
4) earned money illegally
There are more but the list goes on and on. I did meet some other friends of the three people I met and they were all really genuine and nice people. My point is I was wrong about heroin addicts being "junkies who would sell their nan to get a fix" - I was being stereotypical.
What alternative lifestyles have you misunderstood/misinterpreted?
(, Wed 7 Jun 2006, 11:38, Reply)
They seemed normal at firstYou know how it goes... You meet someone, you go on a few dates, you have dinner, you go to the cinema, you go for a drink. They seem really nice, you think this might go somewhere, then the first time you go back their place you discover that they have to hang all the power cables from every appliance over the back of chairs to let the bad energy drain out or their mum will die. So you run as fast as you can.
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emmlar is only funny 1 day in every 2467; today is not it, Tue 6 Jun 2006, 13:38,
Reply)
Training by deathHow about a qotw about things you've been forced to learn to do properly in a situation where if you failed, you die?
(, Sun 4 Jun 2006, 9:15, Reply)
Annoying tunes you just can't get out of your headEvery so often I get the theme for Fraggle Rock stuck in my head.
It keeps playing over and over again in the back of my mind, and once it's in there my entire day is a complete waste - something about the lyrics "Worries for another day" just drives my productivity to shit.
Sorry if I've driven anyone elses productivity to shit now that I've mentioned it.
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Spunk Murphy Tchaikovsky is a synonym for fanny, apparently, Thu 1 Jun 2006, 17:35,
Reply)
The best ever Famous Last WordsLike: 'Don't worry, it's the red ones that are poisonous!'
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ivystopia Last seen on, Wed 31 May 2006, 20:15,
Reply)
What's the best thing you've nicked......or acquired illicitly, and how did you do it?
(, Sat 27 May 2006, 16:30, Reply)
Underground, overground, mental and free...Public Transport would be ace if the general public weren't on it to annoy me. Was on the tube one night when I noticed a young lady giving her fella a head-bobbin' knob-gobblin' blow job at the end of the otherwise empty carraige. It may be the first BJ to be prematurely ended by an 'All Change' at Kennington Station. Any other Public Transport stories out there?
(, Fri 26 May 2006, 13:10, Reply)
School Reunionsand everyone's tales of shame, smugness, schadenfreude, and lying about how successful you are to a background of crap 80s tunes whilst smirking about how badly all the fit people from your class have aged.
(, Tue 23 May 2006, 20:43, Reply)
Trippy dreamsI once had a very disturbing dream that I changed my tampon on the tube in full view of horrified commuters. Tell us about your weird dreams that had you soiling your pyjamas and fearing for the state of your subconscious.
(, Thu 18 May 2006, 15:41, Reply)
World's Shittest JokeThere are some jokes in the world that can only be told by your grandad or, worse yet, your dad.
The punchlines are wank and the joke is so obvious and old that you already know it.
What shit jokes have your grand/parents inflicted upon you?
(, Thu 18 May 2006, 10:22, Reply)
Fight TalkThere is a great line in the film Joe Dirt where Joe says 'you want a fight? well stick your head up my butt and fight for air'.
I have a mate who was arguing with a greasy biker (soap dodger) when his wife chipped in, quick as a flash my buddy told the feller to 'muzzle the bitch'.
What great fight talk have you heard?
(, Tue 16 May 2006, 15:11, Reply)
Thrown out of nightclubsInspired by the events of last night where I entered a club totally shitfaced and was kicked out again within minutes for falling through a fire door and ending up on the roof.
(, Sat 13 May 2006, 16:22, Reply)
Stupid Myths from Childhood....Having one of those 'in pub' conversations about our time in school, we remembered a bunch of stupid urban myths, including...
*It's illegal to tie a hangman's noose in the UK (Aparently it's classed as an offensive weapon).
*You can be arrested for defacing banknotes.
Anyone got any more? - The more stupid the better
(
HSDriver was probably still at work on, Tue 9 May 2006, 9:50,
Reply)
If you could stop timeSo everybody freezes in mid-action... what amusing, childish things would you get up to?
(, Mon 8 May 2006, 9:10, Reply)
FlatmatesflatmatesflatmatesPlease can we please have the flatmates question back. I think this was one of the first questions (for the radio show?) and was my favourite. I'd like to see this reposted or the question opened again (did I say please?)
That is all
(, Sun 7 May 2006, 16:54, Reply)
SabotageWe all have our evil moments.
What have you done to the flatmate you can't stand, the guy who got the girl you want, etc...?
(, Sat 22 Apr 2006, 3:24, Reply)
dreamswhat were your childhood dreams and aspirations, and how far away from them is your pointless, miserable little life now...?
(, Fri 21 Apr 2006, 10:38, Reply)
Your most pathetic claim to fameLike; I used to know the bloke who was friends with the cousin of jeanette krankies mum.
(, Tue 18 Apr 2006, 10:39, Reply)
How lazy can you get?A mate once asked me to pop along to the local court to swear on a divorce document for her as she couldn't be arsed. I had to explain why it was a baaaad idea.
Another mate couldn't be bothered to reach out to the bedside table for contraception - too much bother. Nine months later, WAAAAA! WAAAAAH!
And the baby was noisy too.
(, Sun 16 Apr 2006, 19:30, Reply)
Have you ever been mistaken for anyone else and what happened?One time, I (24 living in London) got muddled up with some 16 year-old kid in Ohio (similar hotmail addresses).
I got loads of stupid emails from his friends but the best was an email from his boxing coach giving advice and encouragement before an inter-school bout.
For a laugh I sent him some light-hearted abuse and was rewarded with a stern reply saying he'd spoken to *my* parents about *my* bad attitude and I was in big trouble.
Would of loved to have seen his face when I sent an email explaining who I was.
(, Wed 12 Apr 2006, 16:34, Reply)
Am I the only one...Bored one evening, ages ago, watching Liquid News on BBC, a young Scottish reporter at Cannes Film Festival approached Huey Morgan, from The Fun Loving Criminals, and asked him for a quote.
"Yeah," he said "Michael Jackson fucks kids"
No one else on the planet seems to have witnessed this nor the 10 minutes of apologies that followed.
Has anyone else ever been the only person they know who saw, met, witnessed something outrageous?
(
Fire & Forget it's the only way to be sure, Wed 12 Apr 2006, 10:25,
Reply)
The most amazing lie I've ever told.Basically, the most outragous and farfetched lie you've ever told. Bonus points if you got away with it too.
(
Lightguy hail satan, Tue 11 Apr 2006, 15:34,
Reply)
Your moment of geniusI think all supermarkets should have give way signs on the floor so i no longer get mowed down by some middle aged mother with about 6 kids hanging from her flaccid teats. What about fast and slow lanes for pedestrians?
What was your moment of inspriation to further the development of mankind?
(, Sun 9 Apr 2006, 16:57, Reply)
weird childhood gamesSurely most people had a 'make believe' game that required a lot of imagination when they were at primary school.
Surely amongst those people, there are a few who played really weird make believe games that may or may not have revealed that they would turn out weird/kinky/sadistic in later life?
I used to get my friend's younger brother to tie me up because I was a 'dragon' and he was meant to be 'the evil wizard'
In truth though (although I was only nine or so) I got a kinky kick out of being tied up.
Fucked up yes.
(, Mon 27 Mar 2006, 0:29, Reply)
Bitter...Come on... there's always one thing everyone's really really bitter about... You know you should get over it, it was out of your hands, but you also know it'll eat away at you for the rest of your life, and ten years from now you'll still be ranting about it.
(, Wed 22 Mar 2006, 17:17, Reply)
what did you do today?yesterday i spilt 4 different corrosive substances on my hands, started a minor fire and got high of eather fumes accidently. what did you do?
(
willenium Fist bump for verification, Wed 15 Mar 2006, 17:42,
Reply)
ForeskinWhat's the nastiest thing you have ever found under your foreskin?
(, Wed 15 Mar 2006, 0:04, Reply)
How aboutthe first time you got drunk? Everyone's got their own story, some of them at least should be a laugh.
(, Tue 14 Mar 2006, 16:18, Reply)
TeachersSimilar to this week's 'School Fights' question, but pretty much everyone I've ever spoken to had a teacher at their school that suffered a mental breakdown, usually as a result of students misbehaving.
What happened to the unhinged teachers at your school?
(
Aardvark and so at last, I understood, Tue 14 Mar 2006, 11:07,
Reply)
The B3ta FilesTheres a shitload of strange stuff out there, and I dont mean internet stretchy man-anus's either, I mean REALLY strange unexplained X-Files stuff. Tell us about any ghost/U.F.O/monster etc stories you have
(, Sun 5 Mar 2006, 20:48, Reply)
Proudest MomentsThose moments when you're top of the world. When you're the greatest man or woman ever to have lived. Those moments of total achievement or accomplishment. Those unbeatable feelings of success and pride. Tell us the stories that would go on your life's resume before you handed it in to St Peter. There'd probably also be a few poo jokes.
(
Milkman Dan, Sun 5 Mar 2006, 2:04,
Reply)
Don't talk to strangers.Tell us your favourite random conversations.
Maybe it's the old dear on the bus telling you about her recently collapsed anus.
Maybe it's that taxi-driver who talked about his F*ckin elvis collection for the three hour journey.
What about that nutter who's mistaken you for the guy who slept with his daughter?
(, Thu 2 Mar 2006, 14:51, Reply)
Romantic gesturesDuring the whole anthrax episode about 3/4 years ago, I thought it would be a nice romantic gesture to post some Love Heart sweets to my then girlfriend. So I popped them in the envelope and sent them away thinking nothing of it.
A few days later I saw a story on the news about an envelope which had caused the closure of several sorting offices in Wales. Everybody who may have dealt with the envelope was tested for anthrax and the places concerned were closed for forensics. The sample later turned out to be Love Heart sweets which had powderised in transit.
What romantic gestures have gone horribly wrong for you?
(, Thu 2 Mar 2006, 0:00, Reply)
Whatis the most expensive thing you have ever broken? I was reading a story on BBC about a guy who broke some priceless 17th century Chinese vases in a museum. Can anyone top that?
(, Tue 14 Feb 2006, 19:31, Reply)
I just found a witchety grub reclining in the middle of my lounge whilst supping my breakfast tea.I also woke one day to discover the kitchen floor was covered in very tiny maggotts, which I (not as carefully as I would have if I'd known) tiptoed through them to get the kettle on, thinking they were grains of rice.
What are your most surreal moments?*
*must be true
(, Fri 10 Feb 2006, 21:08, Reply)
CelebritiesI think we are anonymous so therefore libel/slander is out the window. So, give up the dirt on a 'celebrity' that you met or know.
They deserve - bastards!
To get the ball rolling I got a back stage hand shandy off Donita Sparks of early 90's punkettes L7(ask your dad.)
(, Thu 9 Feb 2006, 18:08, Reply)
things you've seen and wish you hadn't..........parents shagging etc etc.
(, Wed 8 Feb 2006, 11:53, Reply)
best /worst things that have happened to you or you havedone while on work experience! I have loads, ( that I have done to others!)
(, Wed 1 Feb 2006, 16:50, Reply)
What aboutWhat is the worst "it's not what it looks like!" situation you've been caught in?
(, Mon 30 Jan 2006, 14:19, Reply)
Overhearing people saying things you wouldn't expect.or "out of the mouths of chavs" in my experience.
Walking down Sauchiehall Street in Glasgow, I saw a group of kappa-tracksuited, blinged-up 16-year old chavs walking towards me. In their thick weegie accent, I heard one of them say "Well, Rome wasn't built in a day".
Where did that come from? Maybe he's a(n unlikely) Morcheeba fan. What have you overheard?
(
drunkenoaf, Fri 27 Jan 2006, 13:29,
Reply)
...Best Late Excuses In The World... EVER!
Every year at my old art school there was an awards ceremony.... very tongue in cheek... anyway, two years ago i won the "Best Late Excuse of the Year" award with the line of: "sorry i'm late, i didn't allow myself enough time to get here considering the lack of stride in these new jeans". I was also the first person to be nominated for the same award twice with the very true (and oh so painful) "sorry i'm late... I was hit by a truck..."
(, Fri 27 Jan 2006, 1:29, Reply)
the customer is not always rightMAny of you out there work sales. You all know that one customer that is just chewing on your ear for info, buckin for the best price, so loneley they want to talk to any one and everyone. THe best is how we got them out of the store or off the phone. Share the stories of the customer that couldn't
(, Fri 27 Jan 2006, 1:16, Reply)
Things your parents have said that have shocked youRandom things the parents say that you didn't even know they knew, or where they well and truely put their foot in it.
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Moonraker isn't the droid you were looking for, Mon 23 Jan 2006, 15:12,
Reply)
Unexpected turn-onsThere's a post on the board here about getting suprisingly turned on whilst having an eye-test.
b3ta.com/talk/1161329
This speaks to me in ways that will make you all uncomfortable to know.
I had an eye test a year or so back and having an attractive woman turn the lights out, whisper in my ear and keep brushing her tits against my arm was utterly great.
I also remember thinking, "fucking hell. this is the start of some really freaky fetish."
(
rob, Fri 20 Jan 2006, 17:28,
Reply)
Office gamesWe have an office game called the Friday Challenge. You have to find to stupidest most outrageus NSFW item on the internet and send it to everyone without being fired. Thank you B3TA, you have been a valuable and secret source of many of my winning entries.
It's time for a new office game - any ideas?
(, Thu 12 Jan 2006, 16:46, Reply)
*thinks*A few to consider:
Buried treasures - what's the strangest thing you've unearthed in a long-forgotten hidey-hole?
Getting away with murder - Things you probably should have gone to prison for, or at least had your legs slapped quite hard, legal-wise.
Bad Science - a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, especially when in connection with high voltages, explosives and mineral acids. Tell of your narrow escapes, or "why i now have to type with a head-wand"
Most useless thing ever - anything, must be utterly, uncompromisingly useless. like paris hilton but worse.
Click "I like this" to make an old fool happy.
(, Tue 3 Jan 2006, 3:07, Reply)
When was the first time...You swore in front of your mother, and what did you say?
(, Tue 20 Dec 2005, 11:21, Reply)
Freaky fanciesAs a misguided teenager I had a boyfriend that I would never EVER be seen dead with now. No one around me could see what I found attractive in the greasy, freakish goth who looked like a girl but at the time there was 'something about him' - to this day I'm not sure what it was but I know it wasn't right. I'm totally embarrassed about it now. Have you ever lusted after someone that you know is oh so wrong - but it feels oh so right?
I'm currently stuck on Ben Fogle. =(
(, Tue 13 Dec 2005, 14:46, Reply)
What isthe crappiest question that Cathionic has come up with of late?
Chthonic Edit: "What's the worst spelling of chthonic you've come up with of late?" :)
(, Sat 10 Dec 2005, 1:47, Reply)
what's your excuse?I have made it into work with the worlds biggest hangover. What excuse can I give that will allow me to go home that won't get me in trouble with teh bosses?
(, Fri 9 Dec 2005, 9:57, Reply)
Sunday MassEveryone has a good church story. If you didn't experience it yourself, you heard it from someone else. Time to share.
(, Fri 9 Dec 2005, 6:02, Reply)
Not seen one along the lines of......'a time when you were like-never-before pissed off by someone/something'? Posts along those lines always creep in somewhere, so let's have a bona-fide collection of them.
After all, bile is good for the soul. At least until you have to drink it ;)
(, Wed 7 Dec 2005, 11:31, Reply)
A Themed Thread?Given all the crappy complaints each week, how about: What was the worst QotW B3ta made?
Maybe it would be a reservior of complaints - and a challenge! ;)
(, Wed 7 Dec 2005, 2:12, Reply)
Suck it and Sea?Forget the mindnumbing recent QOTW, with Weak being the key word.
Let's mix up a few suggestions and old QOTW.
'In the throws of orgasm, I managed to...'
Well yesterday I managed to reach the house next door. Twas in the shower and thought it better to open the window rather than have to clear the plug hole. Must have been 15ft, although gravity and a slight draft (20 mph NE wind) did assist. Proud.
Still made her.....
(, Fri 2 Dec 2005, 19:19, Reply)
Snow!What funny things have you done with snow, given the latet bout of frosty and slushy weather? In brief, one of my friends claims to have left the bonnet of a detested neighbour's car open - snow + cold leaving a buggedly buggered car. The neighbour swore he left it closed - the neighbour's wife dunked his face into the snow for being a tosser. Oh dear.
(, Wed 30 Nov 2005, 17:07, Reply)
Worst cristmas ever!As a whiny and spoilt child you know the worst cristmas ever is when you dont get exactly what you want. however us cynical and scroogelike adults know that breakups, funerals, inlaws, other peoples brats, fires, and food poisoning are just the begining of what is know as the festive season.
pour your digital scorn over the cheraful bastrdas who dont have to cook for 15 and shop for finicky relatives with your tailes of festive woe.
(
willenium Fist bump for verification, Wed 23 Nov 2005, 16:53,
Reply)
Ideas pleaseI'm not sure if this has been done before. Apologies if it has. What would you do if your partner ran off with your best mate? Hunt them down? Be glad for them? Shit through their letterbox? Kick the bollocks out of the dog?
What in sweet fanny's name would you do?
(, Tue 15 Nov 2005, 16:19, Reply)
What have you done that just hasn't workedPractical jokes that fall flat, labouriously prepared schemes that inexplicably refuse to cooperate, etc.
I had my own story, but I forgot it.
(
The Coast Of Yemen, Sun 13 Nov 2005, 17:18,
Reply)
As per talk board1. How did you find out where babies come from?
2. Kids say the funniest things - ie Mummy, why does the lady have such a fat bottom?
(
DeSpong currently knitting your suggestions - see profile, Fri 11 Nov 2005, 2:17,
Reply)
don't you know who I am?I once got into the VIP area at posh club in China because I said I was David Beckham. I can assure you I look nothing like him. What's your most brazen blag?
(, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 16:32, Reply)
speactacularly stupid people in authoritytell us your experience of staggeringly dimwitted people in positions of authority or resposibility
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spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Tue 8 Nov 2005, 9:33,
Reply)
Little RitualsThings you do regularly, which are quite important in your own little world, but would make you look like an Obsessive-Compulsive maniac if anybody ever found out.
(
Lord Keeps meaning to procrastinate., Mon 7 Nov 2005, 13:18,
Reply)
Stupidest puns you've ever made.Ok one time me and my friends were hanging out and someone makes an origami boat. Sticking it in a nearby public toilet, we await people's varied responses because we're cool like that.
Not hearing anything good, I go in and exclaim;
Holy SHIP! Someone forgot to flush!
(Because it's a ship and it sounds like shit. Get it? Haha.)
So what's the stupidest, totally not funny but kinda funny because it's so stupid, pun you've ever made?
(, Sun 6 Nov 2005, 3:52, Reply)
Pointless School TripsIn my Psychology class we went to an engine making factory. Not a clue.
(, Wed 26 Oct 2005, 17:50, Reply)
caught red handedwhilst enduring a particularly boring french class at senior school the time was passed by sketching ourselves in various sexual positions with the gorgeous early forties goddess that was Mrs Field.
She smelt gorgeous and according to my da vinci esque life drawings was also quite flexible. I was onto a winner, I had captured the beauty of the intertwining pupil/teacher 69er perfectly in the back of my french exercise book (no pun intended). However, so engrossed was I in this masterpiece; which was sure to be heralded by my peers as a work of genius, I had forgotten to keep an eye on the actual position of my teacher. Can anyone guess where she was? Yes, thats right, just over my right shoulder.
Due to the accuracy of my drawing there could be no mistaking who was depicted therein. Oh, and of course the arrows pointing to us with our names on.
She laughed, suprisingly...then she told me I had to draw it again, life size, on the blackboard so the whole class could see it. I didn't expect that one. I refused point blank recieved a detention for 'not paying attention in class'. This all happened 16 years ago. Last week my face returned to its normal colour.
(, Mon 24 Oct 2005, 10:55, Reply)
Scars with HistoryWe've had it already... but there was a shocking lack of mental scars. Tell us about the time you saw Granny and Grandpa playing "Hide the Sausage"...
(, Sun 9 Oct 2005, 13:03, Reply)
Places I've had a wee.I woke up in the small hours kneeling on the window ledge with my cock in one hand and the other supporting me by the lintel[sp?]. Judging by the puddle of wee around my knees I had been pissing out the window.
The street lights were on so it wasn't that late. I wonder who had seen me as they walked by and I wonder what they thought.
(, Thu 6 Oct 2005, 21:09, Reply)
Have you ever nailed your cock to a plank?Well, have you ever nailed your cock to a plank? How did this situation come about? What were the long term effects (if any)?
(
Liquid Crystal, Mon 3 Oct 2005, 15:00,
Reply)
The moment I realised I was a geek.Since everyone on here is, by definition, a geek in some form (or nerd, but I've never heard anyone use the word), there must be some good stories surely? Mine isn't very good, I just realised I had really enjoyed the page of equations I'd done for homework. But I remain confident people have amusing stories to tell. Would have to be better than the 'crying' QOTW anyway...
(, Thu 29 Sep 2005, 20:45, Reply)
Bad jokesTime for more bad jokes, methinks. Heres one to start you off:
Q. Why does Peter Andre smell so bad?
A. So Harvey can hate him too.
(, Tue 27 Sep 2005, 21:57, Reply)
Prove it!what is the stupidest thing you've done to prove a point?
Mine was licking a scalectrix track to prove to a m8 it wouldent hurt. I was very verry wrong.
(
willenium Fist bump for verification, Wed 21 Sep 2005, 13:43,
Reply)
Chat up linesLets help get more B3tans laid: we all know the usual 'did you hurt yourself...when you fell from heaven', 'you must be a parking ticket, cos you've got 'Fine' written all over you' bollocks, but what was the last inventive chat up line that you heard or used?
My personal favourite was the guy who tired the line 'let's play the tiger game - you kneel down and I'll throw you some meat'. Didn't work , but that has more to do with the fact he was dull and ugly.
Share your successes and failures and lets turn B3tans everywhere into lean, mean, chat up machines.
(, Mon 19 Sep 2005, 22:30, Reply)
Bad AdviceWhats the single worst bit of advice anyone has ever given you?
(, Thu 15 Sep 2005, 9:28, Reply)
P*O*R*N NamesIf you use your Pets first name and your Mum's maiden name/ street name you get your P*O*R*N Name. Work great on some people. Mines poor: Poppy Ward!
Can anyone do better?
(, Wed 14 Sep 2005, 15:03, Reply)
Certainly not my Dad...Have you ever disasterously mistaken a stranger for a loved one?
At a water park at around the age of nine, I ran up behind my 'Dad' and graciously leaped in to the air, wrapping my legs around his waist and my arms around his neck.
The only upside was the look on his face was totally priceless.
Oh the shame.
(
Argh. There be scallys in the ranks., Tue 13 Sep 2005, 11:34,
Reply)
Nymphomaniac neighboursOur (very well off) next door neighbour used to come onto me when I was but a wee 13 year old "goff". I never took up the offer because, well, I was a greasy haired, talcum powded up sisters of mercy loving teenage weirdo. Not only that, but her 18 year old daughter used to regularly come round to our place to listen to records, bra-lessly showing all while lying on the carpet (anyone who remembers LPs must remember lying around on the carpet sifting through records).
Any other b3tans with such missed opportunities?
(ps. a lesson to all early-teenagers reading this - its better to regret something you did, rather than something you didn`t do. or something like that)
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a username Tue 30 Mar 1971 til, Sun 4 Sep 2005, 16:17,
Reply)
Seriously I wonder this all the time."Where did that pubic hair come from?"
A collection of stories about the strange places we ALL find pubes.
(, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 16:56, Reply)
Pet peeves.People who wear socks with sandals, for example. What do people do that irk you and you have no logical explanation for it?
(, Wed 31 Aug 2005, 17:42, Reply)
Drunk/Stupid Bets / Drunk/Stupid Bets Gone WrongOver the years I've ended up with a pierced nipple and a tattoo drawn by a trainee tattoo artist - in his first week of training. My friend Jim is now legally known as Zooton Feaver and his friend Bond, James Bond after a series of druken tupenny bets.
(, Tue 23 Aug 2005, 9:47, Reply)
FYII opened the communal fridge a few months back to discover a tupperware box with a handwritten note on it that said "Talia's stuff - do not open, touch or look at or I will hunt you down and kill you, and you will die a horrible horrible death. T x"
So, what um, friendly handwritten messages have been left by friends and colleagues for all to read and take warning from?
(Personally, at school I used to go round writing 'Help! I'm stuck inside the whiteboard!' in mirror writing before the rest of the class came in)
(
Hampster Squared has stuff at www.tilla.co.uk, Wed 17 Aug 2005, 15:34,
Reply)
nicknamesone lad at my school was giventhe nickname Penny by the class 'genius' since his surname was Gray.
Because crayons are grey.
what...still need me to elaborate?
Crayon. As in the cartoon Penny Crayon. Penny. Jeez...
What nicknames, crap or otherwise, have you and your friends been blessed with?
(, Fri 5 Aug 2005, 17:49, Reply)
Causality ViolationIf you could somehow transmit a video-message back in time to your past self containing a single piece of information or advice, what would you say, and why?
Aside from the usual gubbins about lottery numbers and sporting results, I`d probably take the altruistic approach and send back a message telling myself not to worry so much about nuclear war during the eighties - I lost a lot of sleep over that as a kid. Sad but true.
(
bobmitch - 2 : Electric Boogaloo, Wed 3 Aug 2005, 7:47,
Reply)
Best. (whatever). EVER.Enough of this "worst ever disasters" stuff, let's hear about your best (whatever) EVER, be it your best sexual position, best vacation, best prank, best drunken escapade, best story involving a kitten, just make it a positive tale, please!
(, Sat 30 Jul 2005, 7:15, Reply)
Hulllooooo...What's the most amusing encounter you've had with the intellectually handicapped?
Should get a few utterly heartless responses ...
Like a mate of mine who was walking through a park carrying one of those tube things you carry blueprints in. A Downs Syndrome gentleman came up to him and asked him if it was a bazooka. My friend replied in the affirmative and proceeded to chase him around the park for a while.
(, Thu 21 Jul 2005, 13:02, Reply)
missed opportunities on QOTWmaybe your PC blew up just when the ideal QOTW for you was on b3ta... maybe you got caught wanking spectacularly three days after that qotw passed. Well now tell us all the things you want to put in old qotw's - all at once!
(, Tue 12 Jul 2005, 12:46, Reply)
OooohA rumour was once spread around work about me being arrested for Knocking one out while lying on my back in the middle of the road... So... what completely untrue rumours have been spread around about you?
(, Thu 7 Jul 2005, 15:55, Reply)
What makes you a freak?What intresting things can you do or do you have? My eyes are different colours, and I can bend my thumb backwards 90 degrees, but I bet that there are many more freakish and unkempt people on b3ta. So do you have 16 toes? Can you sing at a frequency known to shatter glass? I want to know.
(
Lightguy hail satan, Mon 20 Jun 2005, 16:16,
Reply)
Reality/DreamEver had a problem distinguishing between dream and reality? I once woke up convinced I'd found a schoolmate dead, and for some reason had disoposed of his body in a needlessly macabre way. Ridden with guilt I went to school, and nearly shat myself when I saw that he was alive.
What problems have you had distinguishing tween reality an dream?
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Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Thu 9 Jun 2005, 11:19,
Reply)
Futile GesturesI had Chili for lunch yesterday, then went for a curry in the evening. Having just finished a tremendous dump in the office toilet, I was washing my hands and the automatic air freshener just emitted a tiny 'pfft' of vapour.
That was just never going to make any difference to the atmosphere in those Karzi's. What other futile 'drop in the ocean' gestures have you made/witnessed?
(, Mon 6 Jun 2005, 12:52, Reply)
What would you really like to tell your other half but daren't...I daren't, even here and she never uses the new fangled t'interweb.
Garlic? Bread?
(, Sun 15 May 2005, 21:42, Reply)
I've never told anyone before, but...share your deepest darkest secrets with b3ta.
When I was 12, and my brother was 22, he took great pleasure in making my life a misery by telling my mum I'd done all manner of made-up wrong things.
So I spat in his tea, every single day, for two years. I've never told anyone that before.
(, Sat 14 May 2005, 21:35, Reply)
The anti-testQuestions to which knowing the answer actually proves you are more stupid.
Examples would include:
Who are Dick and Dom?
Can you list five reasons to vote Bush?
What is the total cost of Heat magazine and Hello?
(, Wed 11 May 2005, 11:34, Reply)
how aboutdisasters when meeting people from the internet.
don't fuckin deny it, all you geeks have met someone from the internet in person. I certainly have, some of the people were cool, some were complete fuckin wankers.
(, Wed 11 May 2005, 9:15, Reply)
Those little things that make you really angryFor some reason, I find myself getting really angry when I see babies/toddlers with piercings. What little things make you angry?
(
rubberduck should only be used after consulting with your GP, Tue 10 May 2005, 9:42,
Reply)
What's the most disgusting thing you've ever eaten?Through choice, curiosity, drunkeness or sheer poverty?
(, Fri 6 May 2005, 19:13, Reply)
Whats your pet hates?Whats your pet hates?
Whats utterly pointless that you hate.
I hate bloody shite little dancing dragon ringtone adverts.
(, Wed 27 Apr 2005, 20:58, Reply)
What to ask for a QOTWYour best/worst dreams/nightmares...
Ever woken up and thought... 'thank God that's over'.... or maybe wanted to get straight back to sleep so that you could get stuck in again?!
Tell everyone what twisted thoughts run through your mind in the wee small hours...
(, Wed 27 Apr 2005, 14:29, Reply)
QOTWWhat's the strangest graffiti that you've ever seen?
Just saw one on a conservative poster saying 'Hatty Jakes was a socialist'
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The Beast can't help looking at womens breasts on the tube, Wed 20 Apr 2005, 12:06,
Reply)
Confessionsconfess anonamously on B3ta to ease your conscience. I once stole £50 from the person infront of me at a cash point. I suppose it's partly their fault for walking off and leaving said money but I still feel bad.
(, Tue 19 Apr 2005, 12:12, Reply)
Favorite movie linesOne of my favorites: Jack Nicholson to a room full of depressed psychiatric patients: "Have you ever stopped to think that maybe this is a good as it gets?"
Golden!
(
setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Thu 14 Apr 2005, 18:01,
Reply)
We should re-open or repeat some of the old questions!We have had new experiences since then, and there are more B3ta members now than there was when they were running.
(
Squiggy Alloria makes theme parks., Thu 14 Apr 2005, 16:18,
Reply)
Spectacular Leaving SpeechWhat's the most spectacular speech you've ever witnessed at a colleagues leaving 'do' or morning tea whatever? Shocking? Funny? Cringeworthy?
(, Wed 13 Apr 2005, 5:52, Reply)
Inane ArgumentsWhen I was small and annoying, I used to always argue with another young chap whether or not it was possible to take a dump without going tinkle at the same time (I was of the opinion that you could). This guy also claimed he discovered that pressing all the buttons on your Casio Digital watch at the same time made the display go black, when that was definitely my find.
Does anyone else have any equally pointless disputes they'd like to share?
(, Wed 13 Apr 2005, 3:40, Reply)
Next question of the weekWhat is the most ridiculous story or piece of information that you have got somebody to accept or believe.
EG Excerpt from Holy Grail
"Tell me again my liege, how we know the earth to be banana shaped"
(, Tue 12 Apr 2005, 13:08, Reply)
Quick and easy recipes.Stuff you wouldn't expect to be good, but really really is.
B3ta could publish a cook book.
Mango chutney, fried mushrooms and brie on toast.
(, Sun 10 Apr 2005, 14:21, Reply)
You have been given a super power.What is it and what will you do first?
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thealternativefact, Tue 5 Apr 2005, 15:41,
Reply)
“It is better to offer no excuse than a bad one”.George Washington once said. What’s the best excuse you’ve ever come up with?
(, Mon 4 Apr 2005, 16:14, Reply)
Not a topicNot suggesting a topic, but I think a great idea to make the reading of the QOTW board easier (and to stop the oh-so-numerous complaints), you should be able to reply to the posts like on the regular board. Maybe make them collapsable, again in the interest of making it easier to read responses to the questiong.
(, Mon 4 Apr 2005, 3:57, Reply)
best comedy illness?I currently have scabies, which is affording me a great deal of entertainment. I think it's hilarious. Nearly as funny as the cure, which involves painting yourself from neck to toe with stinking lotion and sitting in your room for 24 hours. Naked.
a) Am I wrong to find this funny?
b) What's the most amusing ailment you've ever had?
(, Sat 2 Apr 2005, 23:58, Reply)
office pranksToday I nearly died of laughter. Chap in the same office as me was trying to use a laptop using the touchpad thingy. They are crap at the best of times we know, but even crapper when I am at the next desk with a bluetooth mouse that I have previously connected. Imagine the hilarity of him opening then closing then opening then closing applications. We also put spiders in his sandwiches, but that is completely different. Oh, and a moth...with a bogey on its head like a tiny top hat. We must do more work.
(, Thu 31 Mar 2005, 13:28, Reply)
what about...secret things you like to do when no one else is around....
(Like study you genitals with a hand mirror)
(, Mon 14 Mar 2005, 15:20, Reply)
Special Powers!Apart from getting the odd preminition/ predictable long Deja-vus, apparrently I have healing hands.
My mum picked up a dead bird the cat had brought in when I was younger and I held it for a while, and it came back to life.
(
Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Fri 11 Mar 2005, 15:26,
Reply)
do you fucking want some?I agree with kilhap we should have a q.o.t.w on best punch ups , i've had some good ones in my time should be cool to see if any one else have had better fights
(, Thu 10 Mar 2005, 15:24, Reply)
What's the one thing that fucked up your life the most?Just one for all the angst ridden people out there.
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Rev. Cleo still alive, Tue 8 Mar 2005, 22:25,
Reply)
Do you hate something everyone else loves?Just between you and me, I cannot stand the movies "Breakfast Club" or "Heathers." The song "Unchained Melody" makes me want to barf and don't even mention Pink Floyd! And just give me regular coffee, none of this mocha raspberry caramel latte crap-a-chino junk.
But let's just keep this to ourselves...
(
setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Thu 3 Mar 2005, 20:10,
Reply)
Stupid things to impress someoneWhat is the stupidest thing you have ever done to impress a GF/BF?
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setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Wed 2 Mar 2005, 17:15,
Reply)
Meeting the ReaperWhat is the closest brush with death you have ever had? Have you ever felt a man with a cowl and a scythe standing over your left shoulder?
(
Undercovercarrot got done for gross misconduct on..., Wed 23 Feb 2005, 21:52,
Reply)
Engrish AppriciationWarning sign I found on a ferry in Japan: "Stop the idling!"
Have you ever seen any strange signs or weird warnings in a foreign country?
(, Thu 17 Feb 2005, 4:36, Reply)
Stupid Bosses......Although this would probably turn into a massive pressure release as all of us that work in a Scott Adams esqe Dilbert world colectively scream 'aargh' and vent our fury on B3TA. And let's face it each one of us could probably fill about 30 pages of stupid boss anecdotes... Could be a giggle though.
(
ogwen69 has returned from Reddit, Sat 12 Feb 2005, 15:45,
Reply)
have you every inadvertantly started a fight?well, have you?
that or great ways to wind up people with authority. i know this guy who got thrown of his woodwork course because he shoved a big hammer down his pants and when his tutor asked him what it was he replied, "it's the way your mum likes it"
(, Fri 11 Feb 2005, 15:48, Reply)
Best hecklesThe MC at my local comedy club was having technical problems and asked the audience, "What am I doing wrong with this mic.?" My mate shouted, "Talking into it!"
What are the best things you've shouted at struggling stand up comics?
(, Thu 10 Feb 2005, 23:01, Reply)
Could you spare a few minutes?A mate and I once spent about ten minutes eagerly questioning a woman who'd stopped us in the street to ask our opinions about a possible football stadium in Guildford. We looked at the plans, asked about traffic levels and safety, and generally took great interest. When we were finally bored and she asked if we would sign her petition, we said we didn't live in the area and buggered off.
Tell us about times when you got your own back on those clipboard-clutching people who stop you on the high street.
(, Thu 10 Feb 2005, 22:57, Reply)
Lucky escapesever dropped a serious bollock from orbit at work or socially and managed to blag your way out?
Got a few that spring to mind right away
(, Sun 6 Feb 2005, 2:53, Reply)
How About....Whats the wierdest thing You've ever googled...
And what were the results?
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Spider Fucking Riviera got stiches for a knife wound for the first time, Wed 2 Feb 2005, 17:22,
Reply)
Scars!And where you got them!
All coversations with new people end up being about scars!
Ive got a beauty on my right hand that I got after droppin somes gcse art project
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Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Tue 25 Jan 2005, 19:37,
Reply)
Most unpleasant colleagueHave a dossier ready.
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Goatworrier had your mum and she was shit, Thu 20 Jan 2005, 13:10,
Reply)
My poor little brothersI remember doing some really horrible stuff to my little brothers when we were kids - luckily they don't hold it against me but I still feel guilty sometimes when I think of the fear on their little faces.... what's the most horrid thing you did to your sibling when you were kids?
(, Tue 18 Jan 2005, 16:04, Reply)
Best graffitti...There's some sort of 'don't be fattist' campaign on at the moment. One of the bill boards for it features a picture of a girl with a 'nice personality'. Next to it are two tick boxes one labled 'Fit?' the other labled 'Fat?'. I have no idea how they managed it, but somebody got up there and put a big marker pen tick in the 'Fat?' box.
Makes a change from the usual 'Duncan 4 Tracy 4 eva'.
What's the best grafitti you have seen/been responsible for?
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baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Mon 17 Jan 2005, 14:34,
Reply)
MISJUDGED PRACTICAL JOKESA few years ago a friend/housemate of mine met a young girl. While they were out, we papered his bedroom with hardcore internet porn. When he came home and took her upstairs we heard a shriek and a slap before she ran out of the house. He went nuts and it was about three weeks til he saw the funny side. Tell the World about your misjudged practical jokes!
(
disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Mon 17 Jan 2005, 13:53,
Reply)
ChaviestAs 'Chav' culture seems to be reaching fever pitch...Whats the Chaviest thing you have ever seen ?
(, Thu 6 Jan 2005, 13:48, Reply)
future Q of weekHow did you find out what tits feel like?
(
scartoonist, Sun 2 Jan 2005, 21:50,
Reply)
Ohhh yesss - pure ignorance you've overheard from absolute moronsIt get's you SO mad - and it's often so astonishingly ill-informed that you just couldn't make it up!!
Yes for Humpty-Dumptywaspushed's idea
(, Fri 10 Dec 2004, 11:24, Reply)
Hospital storiesI imagine there would be quite a few interesting anicdotes regarding hospitals, doctors, dentists ect......
(, Mon 29 Nov 2004, 0:43, Reply)
compulsive theftwhats the most useless thing you have ever stolen from your employer?
Me? - where do i start, although one thing that sticks out in my mind is 12 boxes of a4 laminating pouches, firstly i dont own a laminating machine and secondly what would i want to laminate... - i binned em bout 2 years later
(, Thu 25 Nov 2004, 23:18, Reply)
Most shameful moment.Everyone has a secret shameful moment, which won't go away, and occationally pops in to your head.
I'm not telling mine, no way.
...gah, I feel awful now.
(, Fri 12 Nov 2004, 1:37, Reply)
My neigbours are bastards!stories of your neigbours from hell. crap daytime tv stuff not allowed only true tales of the sick, twisted or puritan ppl next door
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willenium Fist bump for verification, Mon 18 Oct 2004, 16:00,
Reply)
whats the most innapropriate moment you've ever used a swear word?Mine was at a job interview
(, Thu 30 Sep 2004, 22:16, Reply)
Chavs!Worst chav stories, how to kill them, what to do with them, undercover chav watching( done it, give it a try!)
Anything to make the scum of the earth look stupid, or like Boris Johnson!
(, Wed 29 Sep 2004, 16:27, Reply)
Rubbish JobsI once had a job in a butchers where i had to clean the mincer and wash the cooler wall clean of pigs blood. also worked in a slaughter house "puntureing" the cattles skulls. Any one had any worse jobs?
(, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 13:11, Reply)
Funny school fights and bullysFunny things things that have happened in school fights. people who fight like retards, kickings you have taken (or given). evil things bullys have done. etc.
(, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 13:06, Reply)
Missed opportunitiesSpecifically those where it was on a plate, and in retrospect you wonder how you could have been so stupid/innocent/naive and spent the next few days (years in my case) kicking yourself.
Absolutely gorgeous. I am so stupid sometimes...
(
0nyx, Thu 23 Sep 2004, 16:25,
Reply)
Most Bizzarre Lie you told.... and now live withWe've all told Porkie-Pies from now and then, but some come back to bite our ass... Do we deny it and live up to it? NO!!! We carry on with the pretence.
(
Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Fri 17 Sep 2004, 11:36,
Reply)
what you invisage as you orgasm.every time you orgasm, a single vision must pop up. it doesn't have to be sexual. next time you fwap away... just take a second to remember that picture coz as soon as it comes (pardon the pun) it goes again.
(, Thu 16 Sep 2004, 21:02, Reply)
Interactions with foreignersMy favourite was telling two female french exchange students in my RE lesson that my friend was 'un gay'.
This was before the days of b3ta otherwise I would have said he likes 'les bumsexuels'. Oui oui, Saucisson!!
(, Sun 12 Sep 2004, 13:24, Reply)
Losing your cherry......my loss of virginity was a *total* disaster, although she was very kind about it...
(, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 16:10, Reply)
Your big "secret".Must be very personal and b3ta will be the therapeutic online session a la Dr Phil.
(, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 16:08, Reply)
Video Gaming ExcessesEver play Tomb Raider until your eyes bled and your fingers water?
What's the worst thing you've ever done to avoid real life and get back to gaming?
(
HSDriver was probably still at work on, Sun 29 Aug 2004, 16:54,
Reply)
funniest chav experience...mine was when me and about 10 mates were coming home from the film works in greenwich, when we were accosted by some little twunt who was about 4, asking who said something about him. bear in mind that we were all 13/14 (somewhat older than bitesize), and 2 of my pals were big tall scary buggers, who fight for fun (no lie). he then told us (after questioning us all in turn), that if we were to ever say anything about him, he would stab us up with *produced ice-pole from pocket* his ice-pole.
oh how we laughed...
(, Fri 27 Aug 2004, 20:10, Reply)
Relative and /or wedding receptions from hellUncle bob, pissed, with his shirt off, on the stage, microphone in hand, as posh in laws cringe......jesus wept
(, Tue 17 Aug 2004, 9:27, Reply)
the worlds most pointless animaluseing the combined heads of b3ta we could work what annimal is offically pointless,
was evolution pulling a prank to produce the duck billed platapuss ,or whats the point in those tiney flying natty things which gather round dark spots.
(, Tue 27 Jul 2004, 21:15, Reply)
mmmmm.Anal sex disasters
Have you ever murdered a child?
What's in your pocket?
Porn before the internet.
(, Thu 22 Jul 2004, 16:34, Reply)
Where have you got your head stuck?Or seen someone with their head stuck, plus various comedy moments during, and all that. The more elaborate, the better. I have a cracking story of where I got my head stuck once, so want a legitimate topic to post it in.
(
Satur9 The shoes!, Tue 20 Jul 2004, 2:33,
Reply)
I reckon......'when were you the most scared you've ever been?' ought to throw up some interesting answers.
(
frunt It's been a while..., Tue 29 Jun 2004, 12:19,
Reply)
Oh it's got to be theMost painful/gruesome accident you've ever had, ie I ran into the roof of a shed whilst hiding on some potato boxes. Took off my cap to see a whole strip of skin stuck to the inside of it. Urk.
(
Grouch would quite like his clients to stop being numptys, Tue 29 Jun 2004, 11:28,
Reply)
Dumb storiesEverybody's done at least one stupid thing when they were in primary school. Even if you don't like the idea, just vote for it. This has gone on too long with no question.
(, Tue 29 Jun 2004, 4:24, Reply)
ChavsExperiences with chavs, it's a sure winner. I have about 20....
(, Fri 25 Jun 2004, 22:13, Reply)
Tales of fast food hellWe've all eaten - or worked - in McDonalds or Kebab hell. Tell us your horror stories.
(
Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 24 Jun 2004, 11:23,
Reply)
The birds and the beesAny funny analogies when the birds and the bees were explained to you. The reason for this, is I have a great one I'll share with you know.
My dad was ill, and asked me to bring him a chocolate. I walked into his room sat down on his bed (said chocolate in hand). He asks me to unwrap it for him, which I do.
He then says, "Now, when it comes to having sex with someone you love, make sure he keeps his wrapper on his sweetie!"
I can safely say I was speechless.
(
dub-girl, Wed 23 Jun 2004, 20:45,
Reply)
In stead of all sorts of gross and nasty things:What's the first thing you remember?
For example: The first thing I remember is seeing my little brother laying in a crib about three hours after he was born. I was about 2 years and 10 months at the time.
(
RarelyEvil, Tue 22 Jun 2004, 13:32,
Reply)
Job interview disastersGot to be some material in this, we have all had a stonkingly bad job interview in our lives, like my interview for a job for Kwik Save where I said the reason I wanted the job was 'the money' and the manager thought I was being sarcastic (still got the job though! hehe)
(, Sun 20 Jun 2004, 20:42, Reply)
Pet Peeveswhere to start? gotta be the dumbasses that are walking along in front of you and just STOP. for no good reason whatsoever.
or traffic jams. especially when you are stuck on the m6, below the red on petrol, sh1tting yourself, and the huge tanker next to you is... a shell petrol tanker...
or tony blair.
(
rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 20 Jun 2004, 19:10,
Reply)
New Names for Stuff you do.For instance, when I go Bell-Ringing, I say I am going out "On the Pull"
(
Squiggy Alloria makes theme parks., Thu 10 Jun 2004, 23:53,
Reply)
What's the stupidist thing you've ever come home with after a night out?I used to work in a bar which was part of a large chain. When the staff went on group outings, there would nearly always be a drunken 'who can steal the most from where we're going' challenge. After one Christmas bash, for the whole chain, in Northhampton, I managed to leave the Moathouse Hotel with:
1) The thrid floor lift sign.
2) A fairly large picture from the bar.
3) The battery from the condom machine.
4) A selection of glasses and cutlery.
5) Several large bottles of 'Natural' spring water.
6) An antique stone storage jar.
7) A handmade woodon toy car.
8) A book.
The funny thing is that we even managed to get half the money back on our room due to unsatisfaction!
(
The Togaboy The world will end on, Tue 8 Jun 2004, 22:01,
Reply)
Is it better to have regretted something you have done or something you haven't?.
/Orbital
(
cupboardy, Tue 8 Jun 2004, 20:22,
Reply)
Small children, the little hooligansAny incident with young 'uns. Whether it's the wrong thing to say at the wrong time or a diaper disaster, everybody's bound to have at least one tale of when a kid under ten proved either embarassing or hilarious.
(, Mon 7 Jun 2004, 22:28, Reply)
Careful what you wish forOn the way to work each morning, I have the pleasure of cycling down a nice long hill. At the bottom is a set of lights and a junction, and its a pain that these lights are always on red when I get to them, as it means I can't keep the momentum I've gained on the way down. What I usually do is slow right down and look both ways. As it's 7 in the morning and the junction is usually quite quiet, there is very rarely any traffic coming from the other direction, but as its a blind corner, its not worth the risk of just whizzing straight through.
Unless you're the w*nker who whizzed past me yesterday morning. I saw him approach the lights (which were on red as usual) and he made no attempt to brake. I thought to myself, 'what a t*sser. I hope he gets hit by a bloody car now'
Which is exactly what happened seconds later. Did I feel guilt? No. Did I laugh manically at my special powers? Oh yes!
(, Fri 28 May 2004, 12:41, Reply)
Worst bet you've ever lost?Have you ever lost thousands or had to do a really nasty forfeit? What were the circumstances?
Funniest tales please, you can also post bets you've won but only if you screwed over some poor sod apart from a bookie.
(
wingphil, Mon 24 May 2004, 13:37,
Reply)
i reckonmediocre things that make you happy.
Like when you dropkick a football and you think its gonna hit the hard kid, but it just swerves and hits the fat kid, thus making you a hero.
Or the feeling of taking the foil of a fresh jar of coffee, and smelling the sweet coffee scent. mmmmm coffee
(, Fri 21 May 2004, 13:31, Reply)
CrazyI watched a man throwing chips one by one into the road, then dangerously weaving into traffic to eat them...
The woman who licks trees, the tramp who tries to light a cigarette with his nob - who are the mad bastards you've come across?
(
moonjam, Thu 13 May 2004, 23:19,
Reply)
AlsoBest practical joke you have played on someone. Or maybe one which backfired the most.
(, Wed 12 May 2004, 14:22, Reply)
Pet PeevesNot about hating the cranberry-ing dog.
When there's just that little thing that people do that make you see the misty red.
Silly small insignificant feats of behavior / design that are annoying as fuck.
meh
(
The Lurker Plenty One, Tue 11 May 2004, 11:49,
Reply)
The rip off one's quite good..Considering I had to pay £62.50 printing 20 pages and an a1 sheet in colour...and some didnt come out right!
Strange names that you gave people/toys/pets or other things as a kid/stoned.
I recently found an old primary school book where I had written a story about a rabbit called Spendersby...where the hell did i get Spendersby from?!?
(
Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Sun 9 May 2004, 19:14,
Reply)
Holiday Hi-jinks.In a booze related moment of madness I once climbed down from the 8th floor of a hotel using the balconys. Why? because i needed a kebab and figured it would be the fastest way down to the street. Can you beat that?
(
Terry Oblong There's nobody here but us chickens on, Sat 8 May 2004, 22:54,
Reply)
Strange turn onsWeird things that turn/ have turned you on in the past...Or odd situations you've got all quivery. Hopefully no one found goatsy arousing.
Only if this question is asked i will say my embarasing moments ive never told anyone!
(
Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Thu 6 May 2004, 16:46,
Reply)
DangerwanksWhat ridiculous places or circumstances have people had one off the wrist?
(, Mon 3 May 2004, 14:59, Reply)
As the average age of b3tans is sliding into the late 20's......and we'll need some practice for when we're old codgers anyway, how about things that make us grumpy?
People who use rear fog lights in light rain, people who fart while your eating.
People who wake you up, cutting their grass early on a Sunday morning just because you were playing
People who send you stuff that you've already seen on the b3ta website and they claim a mate of theirs made it!!
People who are always moaning & complaining- er a bit like this post.
(, Sun 25 Apr 2004, 10:23, Reply)
squirrels;are they the root of all evil?
also, why are there so many wankers in the world. just look at them, filling up the streets and whatnot...
www.testedmaterial.com (best unsigned band in the world...
(, Tue 20 Apr 2004, 20:53, Reply)
(The most) dastardly deeds you have done (& got away with!)Did you take a crap on the front lawn & blame it on the your best mate? Crash your mums car drink-driving then blame it on anonymous inner city vandals? Break into your grans house to steal booze & blame it on some local girls who were 'after you'? Piss all over your girlfriend while she slept and blame it on the dog?
The list of dastardly deeds is endless... and could involve ANYTHING at ANYTIME in ANYPLACE and at ANY AGE....
Perhaps only you know your dark little secret ....is your concience burning?? Time for a nationwide confessional !!!
(, Mon 19 Apr 2004, 18:44, Reply)
Whats the best use you've ever put an aol CD to?(
sprinkles ITS AN ISLAND, morron, Fri 9 Apr 2004, 16:28,
Reply)
Cheekiest scam you've ever pulled at workI had to set up a handheld PC for the Boss that could pick up e-mail while abroad. It would be tricky to troubleshoot, so I said it was best if I went abroad to set it up - I'd only need 1/2 an hour.
So I went to Amsterdam for the day (cheapest Easyjet flight). During works time. All expenses paid.
(
chobb ,ø¤ºGREATº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤ºRAPISTº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤ºRECOMMENDEDº¤ø, Thu 1 Apr 2004, 12:58,
Reply)
It happens to all of us...So you're sat on the bus/train/whatever and some nutter sits next to you and starts talking absolute bilge and acting *inappropriately*. What's your best nutter on the bus story?
(, Mon 22 Mar 2004, 17:06, Reply)
Putting your foot in itHave you ever said something you've regretted saying the second it came out of your mouth? Such as when referring to a friends mother (a larger lady) accidentally getting the comical insult of Waynetta Slob mixed up the downright vicious Fat Bastard?or taking the piss out of Jehovah's witnesses for five minutes before remembering the friend you are talking to is a witness? Have you said anything more regrettable?
(, Tue 16 Mar 2004, 11:48, Reply)
Bizarre wordsFor the Brits, what are the weirdest words that we Yanks use in everyday language that you have to use syntax to figure out.
For the Yanks, what are the British phrases that get your goat.
For example, British terms like Lorrie, pecker, faggot can cause some confusion if spoken by an American.
is there anything we say that trips you folks up.
(, Sat 13 Mar 2004, 19:41, Reply)
What is your favourite saying you picked up on b3ta ?Personally, I've found myself using the phrase "fucksocks" more and more as of late..
(
Jam Master Geordie Hero of B3ta., Thu 4 Mar 2004, 4:44,
Reply)
Best one-liner?That would be Ming the merciless in Flash Gordon, to one of his dumb sidekicks, when they stupidly tried to flout his authority for the millionth time:
"Why do you say these things when you know I shall kill you for them?"
(, Wed 3 Mar 2004, 16:46, Reply)
the......strangest thing you've ever stolen when drunk?
We popped into the late night kebab/fish n chip shop one night after a day on the piss, we sent the man in the back to get us some fresh pies, and whilst he was gone a mate stole the jars of pickled eggs from the shelf and then we legged it. No idea why we stole pickled eggs, they taste rank!
(, Fri 20 Feb 2004, 23:36, Reply)
Where did god go wrong!Eg, making the duck billed platypus and Chavas!
Making sure that adam and eve were the only humans, so any offspring they had would need to be incestuous to create the human race!
Bastard.
(
Netspore, Thu 19 Feb 2004, 13:16,
Reply)
inarticulate communicationwhat are your favorite expressions when you've forgotten the words?
like pointing at something in a shop and grunting to the shopkeeper "wanarghl", when you want to buy it.
(, Mon 9 Feb 2004, 20:06, Reply)
DJ Hetz HudsonWhen will be release of the long expected comeback album from DJ Hetz Hudson??? Well, stay tuned, you will get to know...
(, Mon 2 Feb 2004, 20:29, Reply)
PishedWhat was the first time you ever got so drunk you had a proper memory lapse. One of those moments when you wake up in bed (if you're lucky) and think "hang on... how did I get here?"
(, Mon 2 Feb 2004, 9:27, Reply)
another one...Have you ever sent text messages when under the influence to people who you shouldn't have?
and the best prank calls you've ever made to people,mates/parents/teachers/the police etc...
(, Sun 1 Feb 2004, 11:55, Reply)
Best insult you've sufferedHaving a beard and long hair I, typically get the "JESUS" shout from twats in the street who obviously think that I've never heard that before etc. etc. BUT...... whilst riding my mountain bike into town one day a very clever lad called out "I thought Jesus was supposed to ride a donkey". I almost fell off my bike in hysterics. Spot on that man.
(
mxw8 Needs to learn about Time Management.... later on, Thu 29 Jan 2004, 12:34,
Reply)
Answer this then...If all the food you eat is all different colours, how come it all comes out brown?
(, Wed 28 Jan 2004, 1:07, Reply)
How many times......have you been in a situation that would have been nicer had you been naked?
(, Tue 27 Jan 2004, 16:38, Reply)
If you had 10 minutes on stage and the whole world was listening...What song would you sing and why?
(
mike woz ere 7442200 & 7696970 getter, Sat 17 Jan 2004, 16:42,
Reply)
DrinkIs lovely. But it's not always good. What's the worst/stupidest/most embarrassing thing you've ever done/stolen while under the influence?
(
Fraser has joined the Moomins., Thu 15 Jan 2004, 19:03,
Reply)
what isthe funniest/most embarassing/ weirdest thing to happen to you whilst indulging in a bit of rumpy pumpy?
(, Thu 15 Jan 2004, 17:55, Reply)
What's the biggest thing you've everstick up your arse?
(
Baz Fuck off, Wed 14 Jan 2004, 14:13,
Reply)
what isthe most boring conversation you have ever overheard on a bus?
(
monkeon schmonkeon, Wed 14 Jan 2004, 13:18,
Reply)
My question:If drawing on toilet walls is done neither for personal acclaim nor for financial reward, it must be the purest form of art.
Discuss.
(
whelkboy is old now, you see, Wed 14 Jan 2004, 13:11,
Reply)
Please provide a "Question of the Week" suggestion. Certainly! Here's a "Question of the Week" suggestion for B3ta.com:
"What's the most bizarre or unexpected way you've ever used a common household item? Share your tales of creative ingenuity and everyday objects turned into tools of brilliance."
This question encourages users to think outside the box and share amusing or fascinating stories about their resourcefulness in using everyday items in unconventional ways. It should generate a variety of interesting and entertaining responses that align with B3ta.com's criteria for a great question of the week.
(, Mon 11 Sep 2023, 22:05, Reply)
JERRY SADOWITZ LIVE GIG AT THE APOLLO -After getting kicked out of the Fringe for making the mistake of thinking it was a forum for jokes, legendary comic Sadowitz is playing the Apollo in London on Nov 15th.
Have you ever been kicked out of a forum for jokes for making the mistake of thinking it was a forum for jokes? Crack open photoshop and show us!
(, Mon 14 Nov 2022, 10:13, Reply)
have you ever bought any discounted food items from a supermarket?(
tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 6 Nov 2017, 14:13,
3 replies,
latest was 7 years ago)
What is your dad's favourite film?If you're not sure, ask him, then post it here. No? Fuck you then. Why don't YOU come up with something better? Cunt.
(
Two Hats 🎩🎩, Tue 3 Oct 2017, 9:46,
6 replies,
latest was 7 years ago)
How long is your lunch hour(
drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Mon 28 Nov 2016, 11:47,
Reply)
Tell us something about futilty or paradoxes.Like having a 'question of the week suggestions' but no 'question of the week'.
Or some shit.
(, Tue 8 Nov 2016, 20:46, Reply)
What's the most number of wanks you've done in a day?(
2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Fri 30 Sep 2016, 23:21,
Reply)
CrispsCrisps are lush. They areb my favourite food on this planet there are all sorts of varieties of flavours from cheese and onion Monster Munch Horror Bags and chip sticks so tell us about about your love of crisps
(, Sat 17 Sep 2016, 20:16, Reply)
What's the biggest thing you've ever shoved up your arse?(
drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 15 Sep 2016, 22:42,
Reply)
What's the funniest thing you've ever put your willy in? You can't say Hitler.(
2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Thu 15 Sep 2016, 15:21,
Reply)
drunk recipeswe've all come home pissed and with a case of the munchies, leading to the creation of some great and/or terrible meals. what's the best or worst thing you've concocted whilst utterly shitfaced?
(
Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 30 Jun 2016, 19:36,
6 replies,
latest was 9 years ago)
"I LIKED THIS SONG BACK IN 68 AND IT STILL ROCKS, BUT IT WAS THE WHOLE PACKAGE, NOT JUST THE GUITAR LICK. BUT IN 2013, FUCK SHITPANTS NUGENT. HE IS ALL TOUGH, BUT WHEN IT WAS HIS TIME T5O HAVE BULLE4TS WIZ BY HIS HEAD, HE SHIT HIMSELF HERE AT HOME.FUCK HIM AND FUCK HIS DENIALS. EVEN IF IT ISN'T TRUE, IF YOU ARE STUPID ENOUGH TO TELL THAT STORY, NOW YOU OWN IT SHITPANTS. NO GETTING AWAY FROM IT." says minor internet celebrity MIKETARS1. What do you own?
(
drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Fri 6 May 2016, 22:26,
Reply)
I want you in my room(
2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Wed 2 Mar 2016, 0:45,
Reply)
Show and Tell - things that scared you as a kid.I used to be quite scared of the S'Express video for Hey Music Lover. Lets take a look at the things that scared you and see whether they are still fearsome.
(
monkeon schmonkeon, Tue 26 Jan 2016, 20:42,
Reply)
I would like to thank everyone involved with b3ta.QOTW has entertained me for a long while.
(, Sat 9 Jan 2016, 17:52, Reply)
Blacks, Jews, The Irish, Have been a wonderful contribution to our multi-cultural heritage, So tell us about your sheds. And how far you float them on a salt water pool that has a pizza oven in it.
(
social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Thu 26 Nov 2015, 23:57,
Reply)
If you could take over QOTWwhat question would you ask?
(
social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Tue 24 Nov 2015, 22:15,
Reply)
Seen anything funny on the internet? Post a link to it.Maybe you've made a funny picture? Share it with us.
If this suggestion gets picked as Question Of The Week, and everyone mucks in, I think it could be a huge success.
(
monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 29 Oct 2015, 14:05,
Reply)
The FAQ.It's dated as hell and full of lolwaki prickishness that was probably the height of comedy back when this was all IRCs. Write us a new one, you fucking cunts.
(
drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Fri 23 Oct 2015, 20:42,
1 reply,
9 years ago)
Chavs and Pikeys.Tourism idiocy.
Gardening incidents (no sheds)
Train weirdoes
Anarchist cookbook experiments
School discos
(
social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Tue 20 Oct 2015, 13:15,
Reply)
DeathWe've all had to watch something die, be it relatives, a pet, or a once popular comedy website. Tell us about your experience of death.
(
cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Wed 2 Sep 2015, 23:19,
Reply)
Pointless vendettasWhen did you last hold a pointless vendetta? How did it spiral out of control? Mods only question plx.
(
Muns, Wed 2 Sep 2015, 13:02,
Reply)
gruesome shiti once saw a bloke jump out a second storey window, it didn't end well. What gruesome shit have you seen?
Bonus answer: ur mum
(
pemulis, Thu 4 Jun 2015, 22:39,
Reply)
Have you still got all your hair and a 28" waist?In your forties.
(, Wed 20 May 2015, 16:39, Reply)
Are you clever? Tell us about the time you done something clever and made someone else look pretty stupid(
Two Hats 🎩🎩, Tue 7 Apr 2015, 11:57,
Reply)
Three word challenge: 'bins and rubbish'(
drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 2 Apr 2015, 20:28,
Reply)
Bad things I have done at a party whilst a bit pissed and never told anyone...So how about putting the fun back into QOTW?
Tell everyone the "Bad things I have done at a party whilst a bit pissed and never told anyone"
We all have that hazy memory we try and hide about the time we drank a bit too much too young (or last week even) and did something THAT CAN NEVER BE MENTIONED AGAIN.
Why not share it amongst an uncritical supportive and friendly audience for mild amusement of all?
(
b3tz, Wed 18 Mar 2015, 22:37,
Reply)
Cheap Mates(inspired by www.b3ta.com/links/1271776 )
"Picking peanuts out of poo - Tells us about the extreme lengths your mates have gone to save a few quid"
I used to work with a guy who had a savant type ability for remembering when he last bought a round, so if he bought the last round 3 weeks ago when we went to the pub it wasn't his turn first. I always assumed it just reset each time. Needless to say he was wealthy and boring.
This may have already been done but fuck it
(, Wed 4 Feb 2015, 17:24, Reply)
PikeysTell us about your experiences with pikeys. Are they unfairly stereotyped? Are they really as bad as everyone says? Did they steal your dog?
(, Tue 4 Nov 2014, 10:49, 8 replies, latest was 10 years ago)
What's the best slapstick thing you've ever seen?Have you witnessed someone walking into a lamp-post? A food fight? All your favourite moments please.
(
social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Sun 28 Sep 2014, 12:01,
1 reply,
10 years ago)
Where would you like to go on holiday and how would you prove that you were there?(
2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Wed 3 Sep 2014, 14:30,
1 reply,
11 years ago)
What's you favourite part of b3ta? I like BAFR best.(
MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Thu 28 Aug 2014, 8:33,
Reply)
Doctor Shambolic.Tell us about the time YOU wanked over pictures of QFTW's greatest ever poster.
(
Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 7 Aug 2014, 10:37,
8 replies,
latest was 11 years ago)
Driving Tests2 major and 14 minor offences later, my sister isn't attempting any more driving tests for a while. Afterwards, my dad regales the story of how he hit a pedestrian during his test, but as it was deemed the pedestrians fault, he still passed. I think I might hold off learning to drive for a while. Tell us about your driving tests, whether you passed first time or not, and how you failed (because we're all nerds on the internet with slow reflexes and no coordination.)
No points for telling us how your instructor was clearly failing you simply because they didn't like you.
(, Sun 29 Jun 2014, 9:18, Reply)
AdviceMy old dad used to give me the most god awful advice, and some of it unfortunately I believed.
I suppose I've carried on the tradition to my kids because they have stopped listening to me.
What's the worst advice you gave or got?
(, Sat 31 May 2014, 1:42, 1 reply, 11 years ago)
Near death experiences.When I was about six, I ran out from behind a parked car onto a main road, and was so very nearly run over the car heading towards me at about 50mph ran over the back of my shoe as I leapt out of the way.
What near-death experiences have you had?
(
Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 8 May 2014, 16:07,
Reply)
Dr Skagra has me wondering...What mentally imbalanced people have you met?
People on this website don't count.
(
Muns, Tue 6 May 2014, 13:55,
Reply)
Ever been to World Of Poon?What was it like? Could you afford their prices? After you'd finished the guided tour did you buy some kind of garish souvenir for the kids, like one of those fluffy bugs with googly eyes and a ribbon, or maybe a novelty pencil sharpener? Or maybe you had a cup of tea in the visitor centre before you left? Tell us all.
(
drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Wed 23 Apr 2014, 17:44,
5 replies,
latest was 11 years ago)
Hidden talentsI was watching The People's Portrait on Sunday. Some artist was daubing a likeness of Simon Weston. I can do that, I thought. So I retrieved my oils from the back of the cupboard and a reasonably clean picture of Kristin Scott Thomas from my scrapbook. 15 minutes later I too had produced a decent likeness of Simon Weston.
In what ways are you a talentless twat?
(
Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 16 Apr 2014, 11:53,
Reply)
Most Prickish Thing You Did As A Teenager In RetrospectWe was all teenagers at some point, what was, in retrospect, the thing that makes you face-palm to this day.
Me, it was wearing a sleeveless (coz I pulled those fuckers right off) ripped up denim jacket, with all studs, and spray-painting scrawls on the back, and bits of guitar string (I have no fucking idea...) beer tab pulls, few safety pins and a couple of smiley face badges, because I wanted to be punk as all fuck.
I ended up looking like a care in the community instead.
Still 'rocked it' for ages, till one day, I looked in the mirror and thought "wow, what a cunt you look mate!" and instead, started wearing long sleeve tee shirts under short sleeved tee shirts and odd socks, because, fuck me, no one ever in the history of clothes will have ever thought of this...
Teenagers: Bunch of pricks. :D
(, Wed 9 Apr 2014, 3:53, Reply)
Seen anything good on the telly lately?(
tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 4 Mar 2014, 10:47,
2 replies,
latest was 11 years ago)
First Impressions.Shortly after introducing himself a former colleague of mine would often tell his new "friend" the story of how he was once raped by another man. Tell us your stories of making a really crap first impression.
(, Mon 3 Mar 2014, 23:37, 1 reply, 11 years ago)
Believable lies/suspicious truths.Tell us a story that sounds like it's true, but may well be complete cobblers.
For example, I used to be the Milkybar Kid.
(
BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Mon 3 Mar 2014, 21:30,
Reply)
Whohave you put on ignore, and why?
(
social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Sun 2 Mar 2014, 13:39,
3 replies,
latest was 11 years ago)
Office pranks.What japes have you carried out to light up your dull day at your places of employment?
(
social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Sun 23 Feb 2014, 9:41,
Reply)
I was drunk on ebay and I bought a <insert name of object here>I believe it has been done before but for fuck's sake, 7 years ago. LAUNCH VERSION 2.
(
Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Tue 4 Feb 2014, 22:36,
Reply)
Ever eaten any chips?Write a few hundred words about it. Pricks.
(
Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 3 Feb 2014, 19:12,
4 replies,
latest was 11 years ago)
Cycling and cyclistsOh go on. GO on!
Go on go on go on go on etec.
Just imagine the thoroughly entertaining shitstorm it would provoke.
Top entertainment guaranteed!
Do it. Go on. Do it.
(, Thu 30 Jan 2014, 22:17, 1 reply, 11 years ago)
Austen jessed overtures cagey order MTV UK text ish?It doesn't matter what anybody writes here, some friendless Mod dick will ask whatever question pops into his lonely little prematurely bald head.
(
Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 30 Jan 2014, 20:10,
Reply)
Dodgy boozersI once had a guy in a pub shout completely out of the blue at me "OI! BIG NOSE!" and then ask coyly "Fancy a fight?"
Tell us stories of the dodgy boozers you've been to, and what happened.
(
Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 30 Jan 2014, 14:30,
Reply)
pokey bum wankstell us about your best pokey bum wanks, how many knuckles did you reach before it became unbearable?
(, Sun 26 Jan 2014, 15:51, 1 reply, 11 years ago)
skint.When have you been completely out of money? How did you survive?
Move back to your parents in your 30's? Ponce cash off your mates?
(
Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 21 Jan 2014, 20:42,
Reply)
Let's just have a couple of weeks off eh?(
MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 15 Jan 2014, 11:35,
Reply)
Why don't you just shut the fuck up?Are you one of those tedious bellends, who bangs on incessantly about some nonsense that interests nobody?
Why not write a long, pointless story about it for us all to ignore?
(
tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 15 Jan 2014, 10:47,
Reply)
Ever done anything?Shut up about it. It was shit and nobody cares. Prick.
(
Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sun 12 Jan 2014, 16:00,
Reply)
Question of the Week suggestionsHave you ever suggested a topic for Question of the Week?
What was it?
Did it get put forward for the secret ballot over on a disinterested /board, or do you feel that your suggestion was unfairly overlooked?
(
tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 9 Jan 2014, 11:16,
Reply)
Ever posted a long, laborious,and, quite frankly, irrelevant answer to QOTW? Wondered why you were lambasted for it?
Don't tell us about it.
Thanks.
(
social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Tue 7 Jan 2014, 19:29,
Reply)
I once had a toilet disaster whilst wanking, pitying other peoples partners and looking likevarious people. I bet others could share similar stories involving battery acid.
(
d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Tue 24 Dec 2013, 16:15,
Reply)
Did you marry a fucking moron?Do you find that your desperate anecdotes every week revolve around the fact that your spouse should be wearing a padded helmet and pushing trolleys around the aldi car park?
Go on. Admit it. You must be fucking ugly to have settled for that cretin.
(
Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 17 Dec 2013, 19:52,
Reply)
Howis it possible get the best out of the NHS, and improve the poor state of mental care support in the UK,
(
social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Sun 15 Dec 2013, 19:06,
1 reply,
11 years ago)
We'vehad sick jokes. What about your best clean jokes? The sort that you could tell your granny or your kids.
(
social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Mon 2 Dec 2013, 12:35,
Reply)
Pig Bodine's rough boozers suggestionAs I think I've got an applicable story
(
mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Fri 15 Nov 2013, 20:02,
1 reply,
11 years ago)
Brits abroad.Union jack shorts, bulldog t-shirts, tattoos with EDL on them, fucking bars named after soap operas, hen parties in bastarding Malaga, piss-up t-shirts.
Tell us your experience of the fucked-up embarrassment that can be the Brit abroad.
(
social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Tue 12 Nov 2013, 22:04,
Reply)
Chat-up attemptsDid it massively work? Or did it massively fail?
(
Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 7 Nov 2013, 10:01,
1 reply,
11 years ago)
School discos?Have we had school discos yet? I know nightclubs has been asked, but what about school discos?
What's the biggest school disco you've shoved up your arse?
(
social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Tue 5 Nov 2013, 20:38,
1 reply,
11 years ago)
stories about your first time doing something;new job,
sex,
buying a house,
breaking up with someone,
using b3ta,
driving,
holidays without ya parents,
stuff like that...
(
Ya What Skiddlyboop, Wed 16 Oct 2013, 16:33,
Reply)
Tell us about things the appeal of which you simply do not understand.I don't understand why people give the slightest shit about football, in particular the personal lives and opinions of those who do a football.
(
BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Wed 9 Oct 2013, 11:32,
Reply)
The Fuck-it ListI've never bungee-jumped (and don't want to, due to a chronic fear of heights) or tasted lobster (looks rancid on a plate). What things have you never done in your life but feel happy to miss out on before you die?
(
The Silent Channel is getting his recommended 5-a-day, Wed 2 Oct 2013, 22:15,
1 reply,
11 years ago)
Ferris Buellers Day OffEver wagged a day off work only for it to go horribly wrong and leave you wishing you had gone in.
Ever been caught?
(
spanishfly is so fucking sexy people impersonate him, Thu 26 Sep 2013, 7:24,
Reply)
Who upsets YOU the most, online?(
BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Sun 22 Sep 2013, 12:08,
1 reply,
11 years ago)
That one mateYou know the one, the mate who is guaranteed to ruin every social situation by being a fucking embarrassment/sexist/racist/pikey etc.
Tell us about your cuntiest mate.
Protip: If you haven't got one, it's you.
(
BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Tue 17 Sep 2013, 13:21,
3 replies,
latest was 11 years ago)
What's the most depressingly middle class thing you can think of?(
Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 16 Sep 2013, 11:15,
4 replies,
latest was 11 years ago)
Black SheepSweaty uncle with the gropy hands? Pikey cousins? Uncle 'jailbird' Joey? Tell us stories about members of your family that only get discussed in hushed tones. If you haven't got a family member like that then it's probably you.
(
Bill Clay a.k.a. Claudio, Thu 12 Sep 2013, 10:28,
2 replies,
latest was 11 years ago)
Floof againLet's have some floof. Stories of your beloved pet, or any warm and fuzzy or funny animal encounters. Might help get rid of the bile spewing nutjobs that are inhabiting this QOTW lately. Or maybe not....
(and yes, I know it's been done before, but it was a goodun)
(, Tue 3 Sep 2013, 2:17, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)
desperationare you stuck in a marriage of convenience raising somebody else's child on money you inherited from your mother when she committed suicide out of shame? tell us how you spend all hours of the night and day on what used to be a comedy website pleading for attention from people who regard you with disdain or undisguised disgust
(, Thu 29 Aug 2013, 10:12, Reply)
Ferris Buellers day off (your day off)Lied to work because I was in court and might have gone to jail. Didnt tell them that, just took a day off sick. I got some strange satisfaction out of the fact if I was sent down I would have just never gone back to that soul destroying place and they would never know what happened to me.
When have you lied for a day off work, why, and did it ever go pear shaped? Was it amazing? Tell me about it.
If this hasn't been done before this should definitely be the next QOTW
(
spanishfly is so fucking sexy people impersonate him, Thu 22 Aug 2013, 17:57,
Reply)
party trickswhat's your party trick? do you know any cool card tricks? can you down a yard of ale? do you stick objects up your bum to impress your friends? please, tell me more.
(
The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Thu 15 Aug 2013, 10:03,
Reply)
Have you ever posted anything libellous which you should have reconsidered?For example, Plumdozer repeatedly accused (the completely innocent) Lord McAlpine of being a fuckin' nonce.
(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 6 Aug 2013, 13:34,
Reply)
ProstitutesHave you ever used a prostitute, or had a run in with a lady from the night? Have you been propositioned by someone looking for a good time? How far would your child go for a bag of Haribo?
(
Muns, Mon 5 Aug 2013, 13:31,
2 replies,
latest was 12 years ago)
This was all fieldsTell us about something that's changed for the worse over the years. But we have a pretty short attention span these days so keep it short yeah, grandad?
Laziness Trophy awarded to the first who posts 'YM'.
(
drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Wed 31 Jul 2013, 10:56,
2 replies,
latest was 12 years ago)
How far back should it go? It's just that I pulled it right back and now it won't go back to where it was and it hurts a bit(
Two Hats 🎩🎩, Tue 16 Jul 2013, 15:28,
Reply)
Trivial Errors, Terrible EffectsWith the Russian Proton rocket crash being blamed on sensors being mounted upside down, despite big red "This Way Up" arrows being painted on them. What's the simplest error you made that led to the worst consequences?
(
Amish Information Systems hates misplaced, commas, Thu 11 Jul 2013, 14:24,
Reply)
Science! ISN'T! Dull.Tell us your science-based stories. Or failing that, some kind of shit pun based around the periodic table.
Or complain about 'trolls'.
(
Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 28 Jun 2013, 21:16,
2 replies,
latest was 12 years ago)
LOFT WOES! :(Got a loft? Is it untidy? Got anything really bad stashed up there that the police shouldn't know about?
(
Two Hats 🎩🎩, Fri 28 Jun 2013, 17:35,
Reply)
best friend/friendsIt's simple enough. What have they done to earn the title? What crazy misadventures did they help you hide the body on etc etc...
(
dazbrilliantwhites has been meaning to change this..., Sun 16 Jun 2013, 22:53,
Reply)
When b3ta has crossed over into real life. Has there ever been a time that being a member and reading the fucktard spazwittery on this here site has ever landed you in trouble? Ever called the wrong person at work a hamtoucher? Ever responded with an off the cuff witty pun infused response to a manager only to then struggle to explain why it was hilarious and you demand respect for if?
Just an idea.
Now fuck off.
(
spanishfly is so fucking sexy people impersonate him, Mon 3 Jun 2013, 20:20,
Reply)
Wrongly Accused.Have you been accused of doing something you didn't do?
Did you then go on to escape from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground?
Are you still wanted by the government and survive as a soldier of fortune? Do you and your comrades help people with problems, if no one else can help, and if they can find you?
(
Muns, Thu 30 May 2013, 13:30,
Reply)
Ask B3taThis week B3ta takes on the role of an agony aunt - B3ta users must supply questions and also supply the perfect answers - for example -
Dear B3ta. after a rather random and unexpected chain of errors (no milk or bread) I somehow ended up having grapefruit for breakfast this morning.. Am I Gay?
Ask B3ta for the advice you diddn't need to know.
(, Tue 28 May 2013, 21:38, Reply)
Se7enWrath, greed, sloth, pride, lust, envy, gluttony.
Sounds like a good night out to me, but let's hear your tales of sinning against one (or more!) of these.
Or, you could suggest some new ones...
(, Thu 23 May 2013, 15:23, 1 reply, 12 years ago)
What's the most laboured, godawful pun you can think of?(
drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 23 May 2013, 11:58,
6 replies,
latest was 12 years ago)
Cheer us upEverything's shit - the weather, politics, people, society - and everyone's really fucking glum.
Tell us some nice things to cheer us all the fuck up.
(
Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 23 May 2013, 10:42,
Reply)
Spastic shitcunteryBasically just controversial beliefs again, but this time with the acknowledgement that you're a despicable racist/sexist/fascist cunt who shouldn't be allowed to interact with society.
(
BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Mon 29 Apr 2013, 9:48,
1 reply,
12 years ago)
my parents bought me a house in Kensingtondid your parents ever buy you a house in Kensington? no? well maybe they don't like you then
(, Wed 24 Apr 2013, 2:15, Reply)
Sanctimonious moaningEver been cornered at a party by a vegetarian complaining about how meat is murder? Had Jehovah's Witnesses try and convert you?
How did you shut them up?
(
Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 28 Mar 2013, 6:01,
Reply)
Predict the futureTell us your theories of what's going to happen. And when do I get a fucking jetpack?
(, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 11:10, Reply)
Don't care what the question is, but...How about this: anyone who posts a story which isn't relevant to the question, or a reply which doesn't add something to, or comment interestingly on, the original post, is immediately stepped/banned/whatever. For a month. Or more. No appeal, no warning.
Actually, I do care about the question: please god choose something that has some scope for interest and/or comedy.
(, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 10:31, Reply)
The stupidest thing I ever didWhat makes you face-palm in a clammy sweat when you remember it? Just how big a moron were you?
(, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 10:30, Reply)
Chavs, neds, bogans, white trash!Tell us about your encounters with these neanderthals...
(, Thu 7 Mar 2013, 12:35, Reply)
Most ill-advised purchase.Houses, cars, small islands?
What have you regretted after you clicked 'buy now'.
(, Wed 6 Mar 2013, 12:47, Reply)
Pet HatesAlways good for a LOL. Have a whinge about what really annoys you - or make some bent joke about how you hate pets or some shit, you pathetic heap of bollocks.
(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 5 Mar 2013, 10:41,
Reply)
Seems Legit.What dodgy offers, sales pitches or requests to view etchings at 3AM have you encountered?
(
Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 28 Feb 2013, 6:55,
Reply)
AllergiesIf you even look at peanut butter will your throat close up?
Do you secretly want to feed your wife prawns to see if the annoying harridan really will die?
Fed up of people telling you they are allergic to gluten/milk/toast/bananas/monday/breathing unless it's organic?
Tell us what will kill you or your friends and we promise not to slip it in your soup.
(
Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver I have very beautiful lips, Sun 17 Feb 2013, 19:44,
4 replies,
latest was 12 years ago)
PerformingAre you in a band? Are you an actor? Do you pour paint up your bum and then fart it onto canvas in front of a live audience, to the musical accompaniment of your best friend's jazz band? Tell us about it....
(, Thu 7 Feb 2013, 10:46, Reply)
TRIPLE TTell us about the time you 'trolled the trolls' and were TOTES just posting something to get a reaction from the usual bullies who are ruining QOTW with their jokes. Cheers.
(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 6 Feb 2013, 9:51,
Reply)
the Internet is boring.tell everyone your favourite go-to sites apart from porn that you head for when you've read literally everything else the Internet has to offer. go on, show off about how esoteric your tastes are.
(
janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Tue 5 Feb 2013, 18:53,
2 replies,
latest was 12 years ago)
Mastermind.To go on Mastermind you have to nominate three specialist subjects you want to answer questions on. What are your three specialist subjects, and what qualifies you as an 'expert' in them?
(
Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Tue 5 Feb 2013, 17:16,
2 replies,
latest was 12 years ago)
Lego.Tell us* all what amazing stuff you've got up to with Lego in the past.
* Apart from you Emvee, you fucking pervert.
(
Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 5 Feb 2013, 15:28,
Reply)
When did you last shit yourself?Did you piss yourself too?
(
2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Thu 31 Jan 2013, 12:46,
2 replies,
latest was 12 years ago)
When Natural Selection is too slow to save you from embarrassmentOne of my cousins was labeled "The Dumbest Criminal in the County" by the press for writing a bank holdup note on his employer's stationery. Have your friends or family caused you to lose a measure of hope for mankind's future?
(, Mon 21 Jan 2013, 7:57, Reply)
Unintended consequencesHave you ever done or said something that had completely unintended consequences. For example I groped one of my friends bottoms while standing at a bar in a club but it turned out it wasn't - sometime later the girls boyfriends decked my mate who was standing next to me - my mate never realised that the girl I had groped had mistook him for me. Another example would be voting Liberal Democrat at the last General Election believing they would scrap tuition fees!
(, Fri 18 Jan 2013, 19:36, Reply)
As the next QOTW will be after ChristmasShit Presents
What useless piece of shit where you given? Have you given someone something you know they won't like just to see them fake gratitude? Did your nan knit you a jumper? Did your brother get you a beer hat? Come on people, share the Christmas love
(, Sun 23 Dec 2012, 2:25, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)
Weird habitsRonseal
For example, urging others to tell you what's the biggest thing they've ever stuck up their arse
(
Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Mon 17 Dec 2012, 23:31,
3 replies,
latest was 12 years ago)
Company Christmas Party Hijinks!What's the worst thing you have done at a company Christmas Party or you have witnessed? Photocopier fun? naughty shagging or maybe wiping your nob on your bosses pint glass? Tell all and fully embrace the festive spirit.
(
b3tz, Wed 12 Dec 2012, 16:30,
1 reply,
12 years ago)
Driving the Accord.What's the best act of Hard Manning you've ever seen?
Alternatively, what's the worst?
(
Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Mon 26 Nov 2012, 20:45,
Reply)
70s TitsEveryone loves 70s tits. Tell us about your craziest exploits involving those fabulous funbags.
(, Wed 21 Nov 2012, 11:47, Reply)
Band namesEvery time I join a new band there's always the annoyance of coming up with a new name.
Most of mine get shot down for being inappropriate. I don't see what's wrong with a soft rock local pub band called either "Lesbian Tofu", "The Gape" or "Alabama Hotpocket".
What would you call your band? Imaginary or real.
(, Thu 15 Nov 2012, 13:28, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)
EnduranceHave you been stuck in wolf-infested Arctic forests with only a pen knife and a packet of polo mints? Alternatively, have you had to have a cold shower when there was a power cut, or travelled cross-country by National Express?
Tell us about your feats of survival in grim conditions, and how you made it through alive.
(, Thu 8 Nov 2012, 9:53, Reply)
Hardmanning.What's the most impressive feat of Being A Hard Man(or woman) you've ever seen?
Alternatively, what's the shittest?
(
Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 31 Oct 2012, 10:03,
1 reply,
12 years ago)
Why is rob such a kid fingering cunt?(
BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Mon 15 Oct 2012, 13:07,
Reply)
Following on from the bad taste house shown on /linksTraits that drive you insane, like the need to buy a fucking fridge magnet from EVERYWHERE you visit (my ex MIL) or seeing staircase not as a potentially hazardous series of steps but as a handy shelving unit for slippery/triphazard/obstructive items.
Go on, let it all out.
(, Sun 30 Sep 2012, 10:48, Reply)
what's the biggest thing you've ever had up your arse?(
mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Wed 26 Sep 2012, 23:12,
2 replies,
latest was 12 years ago)
What do other people think of you?There are rare occasions in life where you've overheard someone talking about you/intercepted an email about yourself/been with a drunken acquaintance who suddenly decided to tell you exactly what they thought of your haircut... so what exactly have you discovered about yourself through the eyes of other people?
(
The Silent Channel is getting his recommended 5-a-day, Wed 26 Sep 2012, 11:02,
Reply)
Weird Family RecipesWhen I was young I went to my friend's house for dinner and we had pasta twists with ketchup, that was it. Describe weird meals you've been forced to endure, or have in your own family's cookbook that you all love to eat but probably shouldn't admit to outsiders...
(, Sat 22 Sep 2012, 21:51, 1 reply, 12 years ago)
Workplace awardness"It was after I had finally managed to reboot the computer network and deflected all the angry phone calls from users in the Far East that I realised I was standing in the server room at three in the morning, naked."
(
Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Tue 18 Sep 2012, 12:57,
Reply)
HolidaysI once spent time in a hotel in China where I had an unusual meeting with a rat. We met as I wee'd into a toilet, just at the precise moment he chose to swim up the U-bend. What interesting holiday storiesdo you have?
(, Thu 13 Sep 2012, 11:52, Reply)
Best Things About TheobanFinally a subject that can unite the boards.
(
Theoban What of it, Sat 11 Aug 2012, 16:56,
1 reply,
13 years ago)
Greenhouses.(
BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Fri 10 Aug 2012, 19:12,
1 reply,
13 years ago)
Diarrhoea - Tales from the brown SideEver been caught short in the car, a meeting or round the in-laws?
Tell us you tales of faecal misery.
(, Thu 9 Aug 2012, 14:45, Reply)
Ifyou were really a robot, would you want to know?
(
social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Sat 4 Aug 2012, 20:11,
Reply)
The Perfect BaseTell the story of your childhood (or current) base, hideout, batcave or similar and the adventures that sprung from there.
(, Fri 3 Aug 2012, 13:08, Reply)
Crapping yourself. We've all had little accidents and there's nearly always an amusing backstoryso tell the world about your backpassage accidents backstories.
Lets make QOTW a really shitty one.
(
sneep used to date Freddie Starr's hamster, Fri 3 Aug 2012, 12:50,
Reply)
"I'll pretend I didn't see that"May I suggest things you've seen and wished you hadn't?
(, Fri 3 Aug 2012, 11:14, 3 replies, latest was 13 years ago)
Mistaken identity...Ever spot an old friend in a crowd, slap him on the back and say, "Hey you weasel-faced old cock sucker - how's it going?" only to have him turn around and be someone you don't know?
(I've got a good 'batman' story along these lines - but I don't want to waste it here.)
(, Fri 3 Aug 2012, 11:13, Reply)
9 years agoWhy not repeat the first ever question????
(, Fri 3 Aug 2012, 9:21, 1 reply, 13 years ago)
2003Well if QOTW is 9 years old perhaps we should turn back the clock and have tales from 9 years ago? What were you like 9 years ago, what were you doing, what are your memories from this time:
Some memory joggers
www.imdb.com/year/2003/
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2003
www.time.com/time/specials/packages/article/0,28804,1935038_1935059,00.html
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2003_in_music
(, Fri 3 Aug 2012, 8:20, Reply)
Recycle!Because of all the childish bollocks that’s been going on over the last few weeks, I’ve been perusing previous QOTWs and there’s some comedy gold there. Why not start again? First QOTW was in 2003, I’m sure there have been newbies galore since then with their own tales to tell, and as we’re all more aware of how we are apparently destroying this big blue planet, recycling is all the rage!
Recycle, recycle, recycle!!
(Expecting childish bollocks in replies)
(, Fri 3 Aug 2012, 1:07, 3 replies, latest was 13 years ago)
B4shes !! Everyone loves a b3ta b4shTell us your story of crippling paedo goblins and autists that you've had to share the same space with in a shit pub in London.
Never again eh
(
Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 2 Aug 2012, 20:49,
Reply)
terrorWhat incident in your life left you in near fatal arrhythmia with an adrenaline level just under the upper explosive limit?
(, Thu 2 Aug 2012, 18:08, Reply)
I got caught pissing in a bush last weekEmbarrassing moments... Have we had that already? :S
(, Thu 2 Aug 2012, 17:44, 2 replies, latest was 13 years ago)
As a staunch traditionalistanything featuring vomit, poo, wanking, made-up sexual encounters and how stupid other people are would be fine.
Please make sure that the question can be twisted into a series of god-awful puns too.
(
MisterPunch did it that way on, Thu 2 Aug 2012, 17:25,
Reply)
What have you been up to for the last week?With no QOTW to read,'troll' or flounce, I assume some of you have ventured into the real world. Did anything amusing happen? Did you have real sex? Did you kill a man with a Honda Accord, while a bevy of supermodels sexed you up? Please, do tell.
(
The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Tue 31 Jul 2012, 20:52,
2 replies,
latest was 13 years ago)
FlyingAt the age of 4, I won a trip in a helicopter. It is still the most terrifying thing that has ever happened to me.
(, Sat 28 Jul 2012, 0:36, Reply)
When was the last time you saw your feet, you fat fuck?(
BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 26 Jul 2012, 11:30,
Reply)
The strangest thing I ever sawTruth is stranger than fiction. Tell us about things you've experienced which you'd never have believed if you hadn't been there.
(, Thu 26 Jul 2012, 9:24, Reply)
What's the funniest accident you've ever had in the workplace?(
Pope Shax XIII uses Visio for picture editing, does it show?, Thu 26 Jul 2012, 4:05,
Reply)
School trips Tell us what happened when you and your class mates were allowed to become feral for a day, whether it be a trip to a field for educational reasons, or a trip to a nearby theme park which nearly resulted in someone being flung from an archaic fairground ride.
(
Muns, Wed 18 Jul 2012, 13:46,
1 reply,
13 years ago)
A few years ago we had weddings as a topic. This should be followed up, as is appropriate and natural, with divorce.
(
Muns, Wed 18 Jul 2012, 10:52,
Reply)
birthdaysi once spent my birthday drinking a double of everything behind the bar. my last birthday, i got barred out of 3 pubs and kicked out of another 5. what were your best and worst birthday celebrations?
(
Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 6 Jul 2012, 22:39,
Reply)
over-egging the puddinghave you ever over-egged a pudding? I bet you have you fucking prick
(, Wed 4 Jul 2012, 16:33, 1 reply, 13 years ago)
Slim Boy FatLet B3TA solve the Obesity Crisis. Are you skinny as a rake and can eat what you like? Or are you a fat munter who only has to look sideways at a McDonalds to start piling on the pounds? Tell us your tales of weight gain and weight loss.
(, Mon 2 Jul 2012, 23:34, Reply)
Stories of adventure that end in....And I was verrrry verrrrry drunk.
(
b3tz, Thu 28 Jun 2012, 19:25,
Reply)
Clubs/gangs/secret societies.What groups or clubs have you been a part of? Are you part of a secret underground movement with aims to bring down the government, are you part of a yiffing cult or do you get together with friends in an evening for a drunken game of soggy biscuit? Tell us all about your groups weird rituals and any japes that may have ensued.
(
Muns, Tue 19 Jun 2012, 9:23,
1 reply,
13 years ago)
"Well, I didn't expect that"Compliments and insults, random acts of nature and sudden loss of bowel control, we've all been taken by surprise by something.
(, Wed 16 May 2012, 17:26, Reply)
Extreme drug experiencesMy first week at college me and my mates got hold of a bunch of mushies, I had a baggy of 200 meself. We arranged to eat them then meet up later.
So I was sitting there, a mushy virgin, thinkin... 'how many should I take???' Hmm.. 20 sounds good! 15 mins later nuthin happening. Take another 20. 15 mins later, nuthin! So to cut a long story short, my logic being: "hey you can just pick em in a field, how strong can the be" I necked the lot. In hindsight this was rather a lot.
One vivid memory among many is being unable to both walk and carry a bag. It was all just too much to handle. My mates said "we're heading to Mark's place, you carry this" and I nearly burst into tears with the sheer daunting impossibility of both walking and carrying something and just stood there in the street frozen with bewilderment.
What crazy student (or mature abuser) druggy stories do you have
(
simbosan is too tired, Thu 10 May 2012, 4:55,
1 reply,
13 years ago)
"I have been saving that"Today I had to bring some floppy disks into work. I have been saving those for 10 years in case I might need them. Tell us when your hoarding skills have come in use.
(
willenium Fist bump for verification, Wed 2 May 2012, 18:39,
Reply)
Unrequited loveStories of doomed attempts to woo the opposite sex / same sex / a goat
(
Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Wed 2 May 2012, 15:54,
Reply)
Social nudityHave you met your boss in the sauna? Or your mother at the nudist beach?
(, Thu 26 Apr 2012, 11:59, Reply)
Unsolicited FreebiesWhat have you received that you didn't ask for or expect?
In the last month I've got a Pixies album from Amazon that I don't think I was meant to have and ordered a watch, was charged once but sent the same order twice. Whilst this makes me happy I bet others have got even better stuff.
(, Mon 16 Apr 2012, 13:42, 1 reply, 13 years ago)
The Ageing ProcessEver wondered into a room and forgotten why you went in there in the first place? Are you starting to loose your marbles? Or have your marbles already dropped off and rolled under the settee? Tell us your stories of getting older.
(, Sat 7 Apr 2012, 8:26, Reply)
Weird family habitsFor some reason every time my mother in law comes to visit she always brings a pack of mushrooms, never actually told us why, it isn't brought up and my wife just says 'it's the way she it' when I enquire. It's been going on so long now it seems totally normal.
What stuff does your family do that seems reasonable but on reflection is just plain odd?
(, Wed 21 Mar 2012, 10:20, 1 reply, 13 years ago)
Getting away from it allIs there somewhere you go? Something you do? How do you mentally (or physically) escape the soul-crushing boredom of your worthless everyday lives?
(
Hdjejjwsjdjjf LOOK, Sun 18 Mar 2012, 14:08,
Reply)
Your earliest experiences of the internetMine was downloading (cough) stuff from newsgroups over dial-up, and having to wait up to a minute for a tiny 300-pixel picture to appear which would invariably prove a disappointment.
And people getting upset by alt.princess.di.die.die
And a shitty geocities website I used to run. It had an animated gif urging people to email me. Simple times, for simple folk.
(
Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 15 Mar 2012, 15:18,
Reply)
Your favourite lies to tell others.(
Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 15 Mar 2012, 9:41,
2 replies,
latest was 13 years ago)
How have you changed the world?I once pressed 'like' on the STOP Kony video.
How will your name, or what you've done, big or small go down in history?
Have you:
Made up a 'fact' that is now common knowledge?
Created an impressive bit of graffiti/vandalism?
Encouraged a friend who's now famous?
Killed someone?
(, Thu 15 Mar 2012, 5:40, Reply)
Foot in mouth syndromeWhen I returned from a trip to south america, my mum, worried that i had been corrupted by Colombian drug-lords enquired, "were you ever offered 'the' hash when you were away?". My reply was an instant reassuring, "No, no, it's all cocaine down there".
Any stories of speaking recklessly before thinking?
(, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 17:24, Reply)
Times when you wished for a trapdoor to open under your feet...or when there was total silence in the pub apart from the jukebox winding down to nothing as tumbleweed passes......
Bit like this suggestion, maybe. ..
(, Wed 7 Mar 2012, 16:07, 1 reply, 13 years ago)
Dices with Death.ever been drawn towards a white light whilst laying prone on an operating table?, ever been run over by a Honda Accord and survived?
(, Thu 1 Mar 2012, 12:08, 2 replies, latest was 13 years ago)
Scan in your juvernaliaWhat weird shit did you make as a child?
Like Hedgehog from Hell has done here: www.b3ta.com/board/10701873
(
monkeon schmonkeon, Fri 24 Feb 2012, 19:31,
2 replies,
latest was 13 years ago)
Culinary disastersI once managed to set fire to a potato. Can anyone do any better than that?
(, Mon 13 Feb 2012, 18:12, Reply)
Unwanted houseguestsA couple of years back, my sister asked if she could visit for the weekend. A few days before she arrived, she mentioned she was bringing her friend Adam (who I didn't know from, er...) who was running in the London Marathon. And his mum. Come Friday night, as I was preparing to go out on the piss, this guy's mum is giving me grief because I haven't laid on dinner for them. Tell us your stories of nightmare visitors who overstayed their welcome. Or who weren't even welcome in the first place. Or just make something up.
(
emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 9 Feb 2012, 0:06,
Reply)
RantDo the youth of today piss you off? Do old people driving grind your gears?
Get it off your chest, have a rant about anything and everything.
(
The Mock Turtle ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Fri 3 Feb 2012, 12:06,
Reply)
Mad science!Tell the collective about your crazy concoctions, hacks and fudges; things that simply Should Not Work, but for some reason do. Chilli Coffee. Nine-wheeled bicycles. The combination cigarette-rolling/fellatio machine. Tell us of the tortured mental processes that lead you to the point of inspiration!
And for bonus points tell us what your spouse/partner/best mate said when the smoke had cleared and blood-stains were out of the wallpaper.
(, Fri 3 Feb 2012, 11:20, Reply)
Sitcom-esque Moments...What things have you witnessed or been a part of that are so bizarre that they would not look out of place in a cheesy sitcom?
NOTE - 'I work in an office like the one in The Office' posts need not apply
(, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 11:24, 2 replies, latest was 13 years ago)
Superheroes...What acts have you done that would qualify you as a superhero? Any inexplicable feats of courage, strength or speed that made people stare at you in wonder?
Or...if you could create a superhero persona for yourself, what type would you be? I would like to be known as 'Captain Sex-tastic', but am painfully aware that I am a much more likely 'Mongoloid Man' :(
(
Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 2 Feb 2012, 10:37,
3 replies,
latest was 13 years ago)
Famous people we've either slept with, or 'a friend' has.A mate of mine was working on the crew of a movie called 'Blue Juice.'
It was Catherine Zeta Jones' last movie in the UK before she got all big.
Everyone on the crew wanted a crack. And they all gave it a go.
She turned them all down.
My mate, a heavily tattooed Leeds fan (but quite a looker) decided to completely ignore her for the duration of the shoot.
It worked.
She asked him to accompany her to London. He kept up the game by refusing, saying that he was watching a Leeds game at the weekend.
At the time of the wrap party, the pissed crew were still going for her.
He was smashed by this point.
She went over when the slow dance started and pulled him onto the dance floor.
And then he did two things that he still maintains were the two stupidest things he's ever done.
The first was to squeeze her arse.
When she pulled back with a slightly alarmed expression he said.
"You love it."
Sigh.
(
waz4444 Escorts, bescorts - Come in if you're saucy., Fri 13 Jan 2012, 2:51,
1 reply,
13 years ago)
Eleventh Commandment?What one extra rule would you like added to the ten commandments to make the world a better place?
(, Thu 5 Jan 2012, 18:44, 2 replies, latest was 13 years ago)
Interesting mathematical equations.Share yours with us.
(
Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 19 Dec 2011, 13:48,
Reply)
What did you dream about last night?Tell us about your weird and interesting dreams.
(
Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 13:21,
3 replies,
latest was 13 years ago)
Loser.When have you laughed second to last, snatched defeat from the jaws of victory, been shafted by The Man or missed out on a lift in the Honda Accord Of Justice.
(
Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Mon 12 Dec 2011, 11:22,
Reply)
The one thing I'd teach the younger meYou're doing it all over again and you can teach yourself one important life lesson, what would you tell yourself? Me? I'd tell myself to always hold the buckle of a belt when putting it on, especially in a rush.
(, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 9:18, 1 reply, 13 years ago)
Surprises!Nice ones, nasty ones and what the fuck ones.
(
Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Thu 1 Dec 2011, 12:36,
1 reply,
13 years ago)
MisconceptionsThe missus used to think 'Beastiality' just meant you liked animals better than people - she was half-right, I suppose, but the look of horror on her face when I explained the full meaning was a sight to behold.
What have you only recently found out you've been wrong about this entire time?
(, Thu 24 Nov 2011, 2:35, Reply)
I know a blokewho thinks Mc Donalds are in business with pharmaceutical companies, to make people ill and fat so they depend on medical help. Whats the craziest conspiracy theory you have been told ?
(, Tue 22 Nov 2011, 19:37, 1 reply, 13 years ago)
Hot summer day booze stories.2 of my boys then about 27 and 29 were living in Calgary and one hot summer day were getting legless with several friends in an inflatable raft on the glacier-fed Bow River. One of the girls had to pee but no one in their right mind jumps into a cold glacier-fed river.
Oldest boy talks girl in to hanging her bum over the side to pee and as she does so he gives her a kiss on the cheek, saying, "Bet none of you ever kissed a girl when she was peeing.
Youngest boy instantly says, "I did once but she was 7 and peeing out of fear."
I gather they howled all afternoon and phoned Dad later to recount the story.
(, Tue 22 Nov 2011, 15:29, Reply)
The comeback kidAfter being needled by my ex's new boyfriend about how great it was to be with her, he said "I'm off to bed with her now." I snapped and replied, "Just remember, wherever you go, I've already been."
Detail your top comebacks. Bonus points for crudeness.
(, Mon 14 Nov 2011, 14:40, Reply)
The moment which always makes you laugh, despite any bad mood you're in.I was on the end of a pub bench in a noisy beer garden with two others. Needing to fart, I used the ambience to hide the noise. The next thing I knew, the lad on the other end leant forward and asked "Was that you making the bench vibrate?" and saw the lad in the middle in tears of laughter. Busted.
Every time I think of this, no matter what kind of foul mood I'm in, I always laugh. Share your moments of guaranteed mirth.
P.S. Flatulence is funny.
(, Mon 7 Nov 2011, 14:08, Reply)
"It was this big. I had to use the Honda Accord and a tow-rope to land the fucker!"Post an anecdote about anything. Only one rule though, you must embellish and exaggerate it to the point of ridicule.
and keep it entertaining. So two rules then.
(
sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 7 Nov 2011, 10:27,
1 reply,
13 years ago)
Victory over Petty Government Oppression ...On Sunday I cam out of Budgens to see a Parking Nazi walking away from my car having left a ticket. I rushed over to the Pay & Display and bought a ticket ... rang up the council and claimed to have been trying to get change while Adolf's Chum had been ticketing me.
And they let me off - result!
(, Thu 3 Nov 2011, 14:35, 2 replies, latest was 13 years ago)
Racist grand pianos.I had a grand piano once. But it kept all the black keys on a seperate shanty keyboard and made them pick cotton or something.
I don't know.
(, Wed 2 Nov 2011, 10:51, Reply)
Getting oldThe first time I went to a club without caring what I wore, was the day I turned old. Now I get up bright and early when once I used to go bed at dawn.
When did you realise you were old?
(, Mon 31 Oct 2011, 23:33, 4 replies, latest was 13 years ago)
Window licker in the family?Tell us about it. Make it as obscene as possible. As many posts about the handicapped as possible.
Let's see if someone else on here can get Legless ranting for two weeks in a row.
(
Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Fri 28 Oct 2011, 19:36,
Reply)
What's your favourite ever Legless wobble, and how did it change your life?(
BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 27 Oct 2011, 13:36,
Reply)
I thought no-one was looking...I was on the bus a few months ago, entertaining my 8 month old son by pulling faces and acting like a fool. I didn't realise that a CCTV camera was trained on the area I was sitting and a monitor mounted to the luggage rack was broadcasting me gurning and acting like a mental patient to all of the other passengers until I was maneuvering the pram out of the buggy area.
(
Muns, Tue 25 Oct 2011, 12:40,
Reply)
Food everywhere.Stories about food going everywhere. I spilt some gravy once but it only went on my shirt. I bet these fat pricks have much better stories with the amount of food they must get through.
Furthermore, PERSONALITY HORSE FOR THE UK'S EUROVISION ARTISTS IN MAY.
(, Mon 24 Oct 2011, 9:56, Reply)
Meeting the internetHow/why/when did you first meet up in real life with someone you met on the internet. How much did you/they regret it.
(
Reginald Donkeyfuck, Tue 18 Oct 2011, 9:42,
Reply)
You're weird!Growing up, I was often told I was weird because I didn't drink tea fifteen times a day. Have you ever been told how weird you are?
(, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 19:07, Reply)
Games you play inside your own headI always turn getting the petrol price gauge bang-on '.00' into an impromptu game show, with dire imaginary consequences for losing. I also occasionally rate random strangers' looks when bored on the train (and not with the missus). What games do you play to amuse yourself, either to while away the boredom, or simply to make life more fun?
(, Wed 12 Oct 2011, 13:22, 3 replies, latest was 13 years ago)
Emergency ServicesTell us your tall tales of bent coppers, hunky firemen and sexy nurses.
(, Wed 5 Oct 2011, 12:53, Reply)
Those little pens you get in argos and that.They're well annoying, right? Tell us about how tiny your pen is.
(
BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 16:18,
1 reply,
13 years ago)
I can't believe I said that!Tell us your tales of when you Freudian Slipped, said the wrong thing at the wrong time or generally put your foot in it...
(, Thu 15 Sep 2011, 12:19, Reply)
Abusing the disabled.I don't have a story of my own, I was just trying to think of something that could guarantee some decently offensive replies.
(
scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 30 Aug 2011, 9:20,
3 replies,
latest was 14 years ago)
What's made you really cringe to the point of wanting to run round the room freaking out and bang your head against a wall?For me it was when I got shown "One Man One Jar" by a very sick minded friend. That and cutting shop bought mirangue nests with a spoon
(, Mon 29 Aug 2011, 6:47, Reply)
MisjudgmentsLast week, I wrote on someone at work's leaving card 'Don't expect to come back here, tail between your legs, if it doesn't work out. We don't forget!'
She cried, and I got told off by HR. Oops. When have you go hopelessly misjudged a situation?
(, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 10:37, 1 reply, 14 years ago)
Chat up lines.Tell us stories of seduction, successful or otherwise.
(
Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 8:50,
Reply)
Misleading jobsI once met a girl who claimed to be a Food Technologist. Did her job involve using science and technology to create wonderful new gastronomic creations?
Did it fuck. Apparently she taste-tested mayonnaise for motorway service station sandwiches. Tell us about jobs which aren't as glamorous as they sound.
(, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 18:19, 1 reply, 14 years ago)
You ruined my childhood!No, not letters to paedos, but rather, what did you use to love, but when modernised has sullied the whole memory?
Yeah, I mean Star Wars, but what else?
(, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 16:56, Reply)
Re-suggestion: The B3ta Travel GuideWhere is cool? What experiences are must do and what should be avoided (and why)?
Tales from B3tans abroad
(, Mon 22 Aug 2011, 16:54, Reply)
Tales which prove we aren't going to the dogsSmall things we have done or witnessed which restores our faith in the world - reassuring us that it isn't entirely populated by cunts.
I think we need an uplift.
eg: www.b3ta.com/links/670221
(
zacherynuk @echo off, Fri 19 Aug 2011, 22:40,
Reply)
Tell us about your best mate.(
Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 19 Aug 2011, 8:07,
Reply)
Minke WhalesTell us your fun stories of Minke Whales. Maybe you owned one, maybe your best friend was one or was your uncle bob killed by a Minke
whale?
Tell us your stories.
(
The Mock Turtle ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Thu 18 Aug 2011, 16:47,
Reply)
And that was when I decided to throw in the towel...What disasterous or otherwise hilarious event brought you to the sudden realisation that you've had enough in your job, relationship or night out on the turps?
(, Thu 18 Aug 2011, 14:43, 10 replies, latest was 14 years ago)
Things that you believe are true, that are clearly not I once argued the case that tiramisu was a Greek pudding so convincingly that the whole office believed me... until somebody Googled it, and my credibility crashed like the American credit rating.
(
SnackyOx Who? What? Whang?, Fri 12 Aug 2011, 19:51,
Reply)
Boozers!Pubs are full of humanity.
(
Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Thu 11 Aug 2011, 10:21,
2 replies,
latest was 14 years ago)
Money well spentAbout ten years ago I bought proper hair trimmers for about £25. They paid for themselves in about two months by removing the need for haircuts. They must have saved me about £1,500 over the last decade and have cost nothing more except a bit of electricity.
In these cost-conscious times, tell us about the brilliant value for money purchases you've made.
(, Wed 27 Jul 2011, 8:49, Reply)
OstentationSo, i was driving my Porche 911 through Knightsbridge after a shopping trip to Harry's (as we call it) listening to some Mahler and going to pick up Cressinda after her aromatherapy so we could go and take our place in the balcony at The Royal Opera house for the Verde preview when I saw a man wearing a T-shirt saying 'Hard Rock Cafe: Orlando' and I thought to myself that it was so vulgar. I mean, who feel's the need to show off so much that they can afford to travel to the US.
What unforgivable displays of ostentation have you witnessed or exhibited?
(
scarpe We Stole Bikes, Fri 22 Jul 2011, 11:27,
2 replies,
latest was 14 years ago)
If you were Grand High Dictator of the EarthWhat would you do?
(
Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 14 Jul 2011, 14:09,
2 replies,
latest was 14 years ago)
Working class credentialsDo you bang on about how you're REAL working class because your granddad was a miner, even though you teach media studies at a 6th Form College?
Or are you like me. Brought up 'middle class' but have never earned as much as a bin man. Have worked in factories, bars, warehouses etc. but never thought of myself as working class.
The 'News of the World' is bought by working class people - I've never bought it. Have you?
etc.
I'll bet SLVA has some choice words on this subject!
(, Thu 14 Jul 2011, 10:24, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)
Being ridiculous My significant others mother has just 'forgiven me for my selfish behaviour' and started speaking to me again. This is because last week I borrowed a box of tissues without telling her.
(
willenium Fist bump for verification, Wed 13 Jul 2011, 20:48,
1 reply,
14 years ago)
In the newsLast night my train home was in a low-speed derailment and we ended up being evacuated through the tunnel by the emergency services. On the local news story about it last night I can clearly be seen in one of the shots of the evacuated passengers for approximately two whole seconds.
When have you been in the news, in either a major or a minor way?
(, Tue 12 Jul 2011, 12:03, Reply)
My 3 most treasured possessionsWhat are your 3 most treasured items (family and pets excluded)? It may be something handed down through the family, an item you stole from your idol, or a used condom neatly preserved from the first time you dipped your wicket. Tell us what you treasure the most and the story/stories behind them.
(, Mon 11 Jul 2011, 11:50, Reply)
Being led astrayWhen has ill advice led to your misfortune. One example is when a co-worker took directions from a child known for compulsive lying. Despite the fact that he was brought to the top of a mountain he said it was worth it to see the kids face when he put him out of the car and told him to walk from there.
(
dazbrilliantwhites has been meaning to change this..., Wed 6 Jul 2011, 22:26,
Reply)
Toilet TerrorsPeople doing coke, spiders, monster turds, George Michael.
Tell us about horrific things you've discovered in the smallest room.
(
Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 30 Jun 2011, 13:15,
2 replies,
latest was 14 years ago)
Classic Put DownsYo Mama! Tells us about classic cussings that you've dished out, or about times that you were on the receiving end of a particularly hurtful piece of abuse.
(, Sun 26 Jun 2011, 21:01, Reply)
Bedroom disasters!Drug fueled orgies ending in a pile of vomit? Accidental spillage of Chocolate Pudding looking like a dirty protest? Falling off the bed at the wrong moment? Someone walking in on you doing something that isn't what it looks like?.... tell us of your Bedroom Disasters.
(
girlinthehole, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 8:41,
6 replies,
latest was 14 years ago)
Misery.What's the most miserable experience you've ever had?
Tell us all about it with minimal punctuation and maximum hyperbole.
(
4Q just lurking, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 3:23,
4 replies,
latest was 14 years ago)
RecipesWhat delightful creations can you whip up in the kitchen? Share your culinary secrets. Or alternatively just mumble something about beans and microwaves.
(
Photoshop Bitch 2014 edition, Wed 22 Jun 2011, 22:04,
Reply)
Proposals Time for a fluffy QOTW
How did you / are you going to pop the question?
(
Terry Oblong There's nobody here but us chickens on, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 2:43,
1 reply,
14 years ago)
I once answered the (cordless) phone at workwhilst doing a poo. Noone was around to cover me; it wasn't going to wait. The girth was such that I had to moisturise my poor little violated starfish the next day, and the noises I must have been making put the prospective customer right off. I managed to get away with it...what horrid situations have you been in with a telephone?
(
bland is bland, Wed 15 Jun 2011, 7:12,
1 reply,
14 years ago)
The best / worst thing you've ever eatenGonz would really like a food related thread, tales of student style eating... or the other way 'round, tales of pure decadence.
(
The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 26 May 2011, 12:19,
3 replies,
latest was 14 years ago)
Social gaffesFrom passing the port the wrong way to calling someone 'Ducks' when you should have called them 'Love'. What social gaffes have you committed?
(, Mon 23 May 2011, 11:24, Reply)
Utter BollocksA middle-aged friend of the family pulled me up the other day as I hadn't acknowledged her wave as I drove past her a few days previous; "apparently" it's rude for drivers not to make eye-contact with pedestrians and/or drivers going in the opposite direction whilst driving...
What utter bollocks have you been advised on as true?
(, Sun 22 May 2011, 23:15, Reply)
Hobbies that didn't LastWhat things have you picked up and put down almost as quickly? Why did you decide they were a bad idea? Why did you pick them up in the first place?
For example:
-I started learning contact juggling in April. After accidentally smashing a biscuit jar into an unsuspecting photo frame, I decided I couldn't afford to keep being crap at it long enough to learn.
-My sister-in-law wanted me to teach her belly dancing. She spent out on all the shimmys and crop tops, and then gave up after a month because she was embarrassed by the excessive surface wobbling involved.
-A friend wanted to learn to sing. She gave up after two weeks because her teacher couldn't stand the sound of her voice and convinced her to quit.
(, Sun 8 May 2011, 0:37, Reply)
BabiesI held my newborn son up against the ceiling and sang "Spider-Baby, Spider-Baby, does whatever a Spider-Baby does". Tell us your infantile stories.
(
Purple Martin is board sigless, Fri 6 May 2011, 4:34,
1 reply,
14 years ago)
Childish Money Making Schemes and InventionsMy demented mum recently confided in me that she and her brother had once thought up a brilliant money making scam when they were kids. They found that upon dunking, rich tea biscuits almost doubled in size. There plan was to buy them in bulk, dunk them in tea and make a tidy profit by selling the inflated cookies at inflated prices. They wondered why no-one else had ever thought of it before.
Needless to say it didn't work out too well.
What childish ideas or inventions have you have and what happened?
(
buffet_the_appetite_slayer ٩(●̮̃•)۶ jacked in to the ICE on, Thu 5 May 2011, 14:36,
Reply)
Childhood What did you used to get up to in terms of pissing off your mates, building dens, discovering dead bodies etc? Could be a bit of a 'Stand By Me' week....
(, Thu 5 May 2011, 13:34, Reply)
You're a wiener!!!! Lets have your tales of winning! Or Losing. From your first fifth place ribbon in a spelling bee to the wooden spoon of failure in your local bi weekly pub quiz whats prizes in life have you claimed?
(
dazbrilliantwhites has been meaning to change this..., Tue 26 Apr 2011, 14:28,
Reply)
I had been friendswith the girl across the road since we were both 5. When we were 13, we were walking across an overgrown field/meadow on the edge of town when we started play-fighting. She got me to the floor and pinned me. "Ha!" she said triumphantly, but then I managed to roll and ended up pinning her. Rather than trying to push me off, she wrapped her arms and legs around me and pulled me down onto her but I managed to wriggle free.
Some months later, she admitted that on that July afternoon, the hot sunshine had made her horny as hell and sexy things were going to happen, but my innocence had secured my virginity for another 4 years.
Tell us about your missed opportunities.
(
sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 20 Apr 2011, 16:44,
Reply)
revengenot petty revenge, proper revenge 'pon someone that has wronged you.
tbh i'm looking for ideas as i really need to get me some vengeance against a twat of a man who attempted to ruin my life... I have his email address, postal address and phone number...
(, Tue 19 Apr 2011, 12:42, 11 replies, latest was 14 years ago)
There was worst, how about best?Did/does anyone have/had an easy or fun job?
A colleague was payed to read spam email and mark out signature words -- I wish I had asked for a transfer.
(, Fri 15 Apr 2011, 18:10, Reply)
Lesson's learnedI once had a female boss who I saw crying, so I asked her what was wrong. An hour later I'd hear about her marriage breaking down, the cancer of a sone of a friend, the ill health of her cat, her broken down car, the 'D' grade acheived by her daughter in English, her failed holiday plans and her broken finger nail.
I learned never to care about a problem experienced by anyone else again*.
What lessons have you learned?
*Well, problems experienced by a collague anyway.
(
scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 14 Apr 2011, 14:15,
3 replies,
latest was 14 years ago)
Unexpected TearsA mate of mine took his little 'un to see Toy Story 3 and found tears streaming down his face at the conclusion of said film.
When have you found yourself with an unexpected tear in your eye and lump in your throat?
(, Fri 8 Apr 2011, 17:55, 1 reply, 14 years ago)
Dogs!Those lovable, gormless, fuzzy little killing machines that we've enslaved for our own comfort and amusement. My family has one that thinks it's a cat. What peculiar traits have you observed in the dogs you've seen?
(
Extinct Jesus Dossier "...I think it counteracts Hitler's magic...", Tue 5 Apr 2011, 15:09,
Reply)
Professional faux pas.I was once sent the CV of someone looking for a job. He already worked for me...although not for much longer after that. What work time no nos have you been a party to?
(
number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Wed 30 Mar 2011, 17:04,
Reply)
Dates, holidays, family days and Christmases that you have ruined.Were you ever asked to pick up a turkey for Christmas dinner but forgot, realising only on the day, leading to the biggest family argument you've ever been witness too? Perhaps you went on a date, told a sickipedia joke about some form of disablity, only to find your date throwing his/her drink at you, and storming off because their younger sibling happened to have that very affliction? Maybe you have a story that is actually funny or interesting, unlike my suggestions - tell us!
(
theoriginalsteve <this space intentionally left blank>, Thu 17 Mar 2011, 9:47,
Reply)
Culinary DisastersI once ruined a huge soup I was making for visiting family - I mistook the amount of cornflour required in the recipe and added tablespoons instead of teaspoons. The massive vat of soupy goodness slowly solidified. We had to eat it with knives and forks.
What's the biggest fuck up you've had in the kitchen / food preparation area?
(
Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Wed 16 Mar 2011, 17:09,
Reply)
NicknamesWe have probably all had them but what about the backstory.
(
number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Tue 8 Mar 2011, 16:22,
5 replies,
latest was 14 years ago)
Any idiot can say something is shit. But admitting your favourite song / film / book / painting is a bit riskier. So what I want to know is what’s you’re favourite artistic ‘thing’ and why.
(
Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Tue 8 Mar 2011, 10:52,
1 reply,
14 years ago)
Funny, sad make it up and enjoy... You can choose your method of dying and the place in which you will die. Where would you like to die and how?
(, Thu 3 Mar 2011, 14:13, Reply)
Stupid Work ColleaguesOnce worked with a lad who believed 'Frankenstein' was based on a true story, and that the book was written by Shirley Bassey. No amount of debate would sway him from his position. Not entirely sure whether he genuinely believed it, or if he was just the greatest real-life troll I've ever met.
Anyway, tell us all about the nutters/idiots you've worked with
(, Thu 3 Mar 2011, 0:09, Reply)
Inspired by /talk's increasingly amusing qotw incursions.Things that have upset you on the internet.
(, Tue 1 Mar 2011, 7:43, 1 reply, 14 years ago)
The Shittest job you have ever hadI have to confess, I've had some shitty jobs in my time, whether it be guarding machinery on the Newbury by-pass (nobody ever tried to nick anything) Or working for 'One flew over the cuckoos nest' style Hitlers. Regale us with your stories about the worst places you have ever worked. Bindun? Couldn't be bothered to look.
(, Mon 28 Feb 2011, 14:12, Reply)
"Gnah', General public"How about a question about people dealing with the general public as a whole?
(
G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Sun 27 Feb 2011, 13:14,
Reply)
I didn't mean it like that!I was just walking down the street in central London and happend to walk past a restaurant window. The restaurat was packed and closest to the window was a family of 6. As i walked past i put a cigarett in my mouth and the smallest member of the family, a boy of 3 or 4, saw me do this and pursed his lips and blew a rasberry at me. I pulled the cigarette from my mouth and pursed my lips, as if whistling, and blew back at him as as a mark of respect at what a cheeky little chap he was.
I then looked up to see the remainder of the family staring back at me and immdediately realised that they thought that this man in a suit had just been blowing thier child a kiss through the window...
.. share your stories of when you wanted to point out "I didn't mean it like that"
(
lucosade is counting down the minutes until, Wed 23 Feb 2011, 17:17,
Reply)
The ArtsI once got invited to a friend's book launch, hosted by a publisher of some repute. Having ruthlessly exploited the free bar and introduced some literati to flaming sambucas, I generally slung very graphic language about the place before getting both myself and the author kicked out by doormen.
Books, galleries, theatre … tell us of your experiences in the world of high art.
(
Wet-chinned bag shanker Cannot parse Wogan, Fri 11 Feb 2011, 10:46,
Reply)
First dates.Cockups, successes, love at first sight, you know the score.
(
Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 17:32,
2 replies,
latest was 14 years ago)
Airplane stories(
Clay hopes this bit is long enough to promote my websi, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 12:00,
Reply)
Valentine's Day MassacreIt's Valentine's Day next week - source of much business for restaurants, jewellers, and card shops, as well as an excuse for the soft-hearted to declare their love and the hard-hearted to grumble about how it's all just an invention of commercial interests (while not mentioning that they never get any cards).
What have been your greatest romantic triumphs and disasters?
(
shinyshinyscalp less a man, more a way of life, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:18,
1 reply,
14 years ago)
The Greatest Moment of My LifeSelf-explanatory. Talk about the most amazing accomplishment, the greatest triumph, and definitely not sappy shit about seeing your newborn son or whatnot.
(
Digeridude Lord Wellington's Beef Trapeze, Sat 5 Feb 2011, 7:31,
1 reply,
14 years ago)
Look at me I'm on the internets!showcase links of internetty bits where you can be seen - i.e., youtube, magazine articles etc
(, Wed 2 Feb 2011, 15:12, 1 reply, 14 years ago)
My Power TripIm currently supervising an intern who goes to great lengths to stay on my good side.
He has resorted to eating crisps as quietly and slowly as possible, glancing over to me to make sure each laboured crunch isnt testing my patience* as it had earlier.
Descibe your moments of condescension as the superior.
*ninja edit
(, Thu 27 Jan 2011, 6:00, 1 reply, 14 years ago)
Mini Cabs from HellThere must have been many eventful bookings since this was on QOTW in May 2004, so I think it's time for a re-run.
(
Terry Oblong There's nobody here but us chickens on, Wed 26 Jan 2011, 2:29,
Reply)
Those moments when you realise someone thinks you're a cunt.So I have just had a visit from someone who owed me money and he said he would call when he was outside. Not a friend just an acquaintance who buys gear off me occasionally. Well I heard him coming in his badboy car so walked out to meet him as I got to his car my phone started ringing. I tapped on his window and could clearly see on his phone display 'calling TURD'
When have you realised someone thinks you're a cunt?
(
SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Fri 21 Jan 2011, 17:55,
Reply)
The Fantasy and the RealityEver had a fantasy* come true? Or achieved a life-long ambition? If so, did it live up to the hype?
* doesn't have to be sexual!
(, Thu 20 Jan 2011, 10:33, Reply)
best findswhat's the best or weirdest thing you've ever found? not just hedge porn or a fiver in the gutter, you must have found something better than that.
i once found a doll's arm covered in marmite. beat that!
(
Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Mon 17 Jan 2011, 19:39,
6 replies,
latest was 14 years ago)
Irrational Rage.I am fairly easy going, but if someone thumbs my brand new magazines or books before me then my irrational rage turns me into a whistling kettle of high pitched invective. What sets you off?
(, Mon 10 Jan 2011, 1:46, Reply)
Please can we have Bullshitters Part 2I refer you to my previous requests for examples of your local Billy Bullshit.
(, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 9:11, Reply)
Plane JourneysI once spent a 13 hour flight from New York trapped inbetween two Mormons from Utah. When they weren't preaching about God, they were insisting to me that Northern Ireland was separate from the UK, whereas the Republic of Ireland was part of the UK. It was a hellish journey.
What's your story of terror in the skies?
(, Tue 14 Dec 2010, 21:20, 1 reply, 14 years ago)
I wish I'd...*That split second where, if you had done something differently, your life would not be the same now. For better or worse.
*Supergrass references aside
(, Sun 12 Dec 2010, 5:30, Reply)
FriendsWe've had mums, and dads, what about friends ? My best friend is currently snoring at 130db and it's 4 o clock in the afternoon...but I still love him. Tell us about your bestest friends and how they enrich your lives.
(, Tue 30 Nov 2010, 15:55, Reply)
First ImpressionsWhen we first moved into our flat, one of the lads next door invited us round for a drink and disappeared 5 minutes into the proceedings. About an hour later we found him fast asleep half way through taking a shit.
What's the best, or worst, first impression you have made?
(, Thu 25 Nov 2010, 0:42, Reply)
Disastrous Dates ...I went out on a date with a dashing young Air Force Cadet. We had dinner, saw a movie, went for a drink and I thrashed his arse at pool. Repeatedly. He never called. :(
So tell us your stories of not impressing a member of the opposite/same sex.
(, Thu 18 Nov 2010, 6:35, 1 reply, 14 years ago)
Lonely PlanetI never took a gap year, nor have I travelled the world, but I'm seriously thinking about jacking this work nonsense in and heading off.
I'm also too tight to buy a guide book.
So, b3ta - tell me your tales of travelling. What have you done that I should definitely do. What have you done that I should definitely not?
(, Wed 17 Nov 2010, 16:14, 7 replies, latest was 14 years ago)
You LoseOn my 27th birthday party I got very drunk and got into a dance-off with a dwarf. Despite my early confidence, my prospects of winning took a nose dive when he kicked himself in the head to the rhythm.
What contests have you failed in?
(, Tue 9 Nov 2010, 9:19, Reply)
Unfounded fears and phobiasIt's never happened to me, but I'm terrified that one day I'll wipe my arse and catch my t-shirt, thereby leaving a shitty stain on the inside of my garment there to rub against my back all day and make everyone think I shat myself violently.
What ridiculous things are you scared of?
(, Mon 8 Nov 2010, 9:25, 1 reply, 14 years ago)
BTTF, kind ofhaving made this one of my first posts, well, second, I would like to suggest: if you could go back in time and change something, what would it be? It could relate to anything, literally. Well, not regrets, maybe something that could quite literally change the course of history.
Apologies if this question has been asked before.
(, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 20:37, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)
RegretsWhat makes you want to kick yourself in the ass real hard?
Missed opportunities
Throwing away something that later turned out to be very valuable
Saying no to the person who then went on to became rich and famous
Not going to a party that later made the national news for utter debauchery and drunken excess
(, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 23:49, 1 reply, 14 years ago)
Surreal momentsWe've all had them.
For instance, I walked into my directors office once to ask her a question and found her sitting at her screen wearing comedy glasses with a fake nose and mustache.
(, Sun 10 Oct 2010, 23:18, 1 reply, 14 years ago)
AmbitionsMy 'things to do before I die' list has only 2 items.
a: Drive around New Zealand in a camper van
b: Have MASSIVE SEX with the original members of Bananarama
No particular order, but if I can combine the two, then that would be just perfect.
What's on your list, and have any been ticked off?
Edit: When I say ticked off, I mean completed, not 'mildly annoyed'.
(
sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 5 Oct 2010, 21:40,
Reply)
Have you ever mourned for an inanimate object?What about that 'special' toaster which always gave the perfect slice of toast? How did you feel when it eventually karked it?
I actually mourned for a book, in which I'd invested 4 months of my life to read (Infinite Jest - David Foster Wallace). When I picked up the next book, all I could think was - it's just not Infinite Jest is it...it's just not the same...
What inanimate objects have you mourned the passing of?
(, Tue 5 Oct 2010, 0:54, Reply)
Dead Bodies.When I was thirteen I was living with cousins and I worked with their lunatic mortuarist mother in rural France. She walked about the house in revealing clothes, she never wore a bra, she encouraged me to take showers with her to conserve water and electricity and regularly encouraged me to acquaint myself with the female cadavers she serviced. She also liked to decorate the dead and she may have once fried a bishop's arse but I won't go into that now.
So, ye medical students, rescue workers or otherwise lucky people, what have your experiences been like with the deceased?
P.S. Can we got some halloweeny qotw suggestions going?
(, Sat 2 Oct 2010, 18:15, 1 reply, 14 years ago)
Euphemisms ...Completing some necessary paperwork, hanging a brown bat in the white cave, dropping the kids off at the pool ...
What are your faves?
(, Tue 28 Sep 2010, 6:23, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)
Things that sounded so much better in your headand / or "Shit, did I say that out loud?" moments
(, Wed 15 Sep 2010, 12:09, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)
Proper Job SatisfactionFollowing this week's suggestion by Daz, how about those jobs that you've had and loved because they give real job satisfaction. Not the piss-easy sit-on-your-arse-reading-b3ta-and-being-paid jobs, but the ones where you feel you're doing something worthwhile.
My missus is a nurse. She bitches and whinges no end about the NHS management and the incompetence of doctors, but she loves the job and wouldn't want to do anything else.
Does anyone else have a similar vocation? Are you in the job you always dreamed of?
(
Snappyuk gets BIGGER with free sample., Tue 14 Sep 2010, 8:15,
1 reply,
14 years ago)
Embarassing situationsMy fat friend Frank got stuck in the shower in a hotel room and had to be rescued by the hotel staff. He only had a shampoo bottle to hide his embarassment.
What embarassing situations have you found yourself in?
(, Mon 13 Sep 2010, 14:27, 1 reply, 14 years ago)
Changing the law.If you could change one law, or write one new law, what would you do?
(
Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 12:11,
3 replies,
latest was 14 years ago)
ShoppingI once went to a large foodstore and through the crowds of shoppers spied an overly large woman on the store electric trolley....with a flat tyre and hazard lights on. What bizarre sights or events have you bared witness to while shopping?
(
Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Mon 6 Sep 2010, 15:25,
1 reply,
14 years ago)
Easiest Job EverSkimmed through the questions and was surprised no-one has yet asked what is the best/easiest job you've ever had?
Mine easily had to be working in an airport where I spent the day racing down multi story carparks in wheelchairs and then using the lift to go back to the top. For five years...
(
dazbrilliantwhites has been meaning to change this..., Mon 6 Sep 2010, 0:11,
Reply)
Concerning labelsAs I eat this "pork" sausage roll at my desk I've noticed the label reads "minimum 18% meat". I'm concerned about what the other 82% (the vast majority surely?) might now be and how this can be called a pork sausage roll when 80% of it isn't.
Tell me what bizarre or concerning things you've seen on product labels.
(, Fri 3 Sep 2010, 12:46, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)
Snappy ComebacksA mate was making tea for a group of friends. He stuck his head around the door and asked "Right, what about milk? Cow, bean, or none?". Quick as a flash, someone replied "Wow, I've never had Nun's milk!"
What perfect snappy comebacks have you heard, or even delivered?
(, Fri 3 Sep 2010, 9:19, Reply)
Holiday mishaps.I'm currently boiling to death on the isle of Kos. Since arriving, I've slipped on a patch of water in the appartment (on the first night) resulting in a horribly sprained and swollen ankle and rendering walking anywhere at a reasonable pace impossible. On day three I suffered horrific sunburn on my shins after half an hour's exposure to the sun (my legs NEVER change colour) and have to deploy some sort of steroid cream to them so they don't have to be amputated. The big toe on my right foot has a massive blister on it (cause unknown), and last night the strap on my trusty Caterpillar all terrain desert wellies snapped, so I've had to go and buy some new ones to get me the rest of the way through the holiday. I have four days left and am just wondering what else can possibly go wrong...
*EDIT* Ah yes, the replacement desert wellies also left my feet blistered on the last day. Lovely.
(
Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Sat 21 Aug 2010, 16:54,
2 replies,
latest was 14 years ago)
The violence.What's the scariest bit of violence you saw with your own eyes in the real world?
(
Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Tue 17 Aug 2010, 16:41,
Reply)
Lies that you have toldthat have spiralled out of control.
I often make up excuses that become so expansive and convoluted that i lose track, and when they are mentioned down the track, i have no memory of what they are talking about.
(, Thu 12 Aug 2010, 4:25, Reply)
Ooh, something shinyMy missus informed me that the front garden railings needed a lick of paint so I went to Screwfix and bought a tin of Hammerite, some white spirit and a couple of brushes. I got home and put the kettle on. I then thought "I'll have a quick go on the PS3 whilst the kettle boils"
Five hours later, Mrs SLVA comes home to find the paint and brushes still in the carrier bag, a well-stewed cold pot of tea, and me topless and frustrated, swearing at Guitar Hero.
How easily distracted are you?
(
sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 11 Aug 2010, 15:04,
1 reply,
15 years ago)
ExposedI once claimed I could speak Slovak. In a pub I was cajoled into saying something in Slovak, so I spurt some gobbledigook in a Slavic accent. To the untrained ear, it did sound like an eastern European language.
A nearby girl came over and enquired what I was talking about. It turns out she was fluent in Slovak too. She then translated what she had heard me say,
"blah blah tree blah blah under blah blah tree blah elliptical blah" was the general gist.
Have you ever been exposed as a fraud?
(
sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 11 Aug 2010, 14:42,
Reply)
Dumb instructionsAn ex told me I should only smoke a ciggie with the left hand, and only stir anything in a clockwise direction. Apparently smoking with the right hand, or stirring anticlockwise, was "wrong".
What arbitrary, stupid things have you been told not to do?
(, Thu 5 Aug 2010, 8:49, Reply)
ConfessionI used to go to confession as a kid... i felt no sense of relief telling a priest I had argued with my sister or broke a plate. Truth is confession's bollocks really! or is it!?
What are your confessions? Repent all ye sins!
(, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 21:09, Reply)
If I could pass any law...If you could pass any law, what would it be?
Personally, I would pass a law forcing shops to have a dedicated 'I just want to pay for my stuff and fuck off' till. No old, lonely or voucher-wielding people allowed.
(, Wed 4 Aug 2010, 17:57, Reply)
Centre of AttentionWhen was the last time you were centre of attention? Have you saved a granny from getting mugged in a crowded supermarket and received the plaudits from tens of people, or have you smashed into a table in a quiet restuarant, making everyone turn and tut at you?
(, Tue 3 Aug 2010, 16:04, Reply)
Crap claims to fameI grew up round the corner from Half Man Half Biscuit and an ex-boyfriend's dad lived next door to Bill Bryson. Spurious claims to fame always fascinate me; what are yours?
(, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 15:36, 5 replies, latest was 15 years ago)
Getting over heartbreakNot sure if this has been done as a topic but what have you done to get over that awful, crushing feeling in your chest when you've been ditched by the love of your life?
(, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 13:44, 1 reply, 15 years ago)
Knuckle-biting momentsRecently at work a database request seemed to be taking a long time. I looked to see what was going on, and my blood ran cold as I realised I had just deleted the entire company database...
Describe the knuckle-biting, eye-goggling moment that you realised something awful had happened, you'd flamingoed up in a major way, or that your life would never be the same again.
(, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 11:04, Reply)
Shit Jobs you have walked out of or been fired fromWe've all hasd a shit job at some point..I've had several over the last 20 years. The shortest was two hours when I told the guy his company was a clusterfuck and walked out.
(, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 11:35, 5 replies, latest was 15 years ago)
Old gitMy eyebrows make me look like an owl, I have white hair sprouting from my ears and the skin on the back of my hands looks like parchment. I'm only 37 FFS.
When did you realise that you're actually much older than you feel?
(
sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 9:36,
5 replies,
latest was 15 years ago)
Nice road storiesThis afternoon, while driving, I budged up to the left to let a guy on a motorbike overtake me.
As he passed, he waved me a cheery 'thank you', and I was reminded that not everybody on the road is a total cunt.
Tell us your heartwarming stories of Britain's fine highways and byways.
(
b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 7 Jul 2010, 18:40,
4 replies,
latest was 15 years ago)
Damn cheekMy in-laws are part of a classic cars appreciation society. Last time they had a rally they told us of a recent incident when some of their friends where invited to stay at the house of the society leaders for a weekend.
All well and good until they left to go home only to be presented with a bill for B&B and other services rendered that weekend. They politely declined another invite.
So my question is: Have any of you had someone try and sneak money/goods/services from you?
(, Tue 6 Jul 2010, 22:57, Reply)
The other night in pubsomeone stumbled into me and trod on my foot and it was me that said sorry. He then had the audicity to say "that's ok". I could've kicked off but I'm not like that.
I'd been in Weatherspoons and had gotten used to the cheap beer, I then went to another pub and ordered two bottles of Tuborg. I handed over a tenner and only after checking my change after leaving the bar did I realise I'd paid £3.30 per bottle. (For those south of Watford Gap that is startlingly expensive for beer).
Did I complain about the price? Did I hell, I went and grumbled quietly to my mate about it.
How have you avoided confrontation/making a scene?
(
sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 5 Jul 2010, 12:29,
4 replies,
latest was 15 years ago)
Daddy or Chips?Have you had to make a tough decision? What did you choose and why?
(, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 22:24, 1 reply, 15 years ago)
Planes, trains and automobilesTell us your tales of your travels and experiences on public transport
(, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 21:07, Reply)
What has the Internet done for us?We're saving the web... together. So what has the web done for you, or allowed you to do? Started a business? Found the love of your life? Or just downloaded a hell of a lot of porn?
(
wynoh kills threads by his mere presence, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 11:17,
2 replies,
latest was 15 years ago)
Hoisted with your own petardRecently I pointed out to an old dear walking up the road towards me that her dog was pooing all the way up the street. I then realised it was a guide dog and so ended up picking up all the poo myself. When have you been smugly right about something only for it to backfire?
(, Sun 20 Jun 2010, 14:17, Reply)
What's in a name?Stories of why you got your name/ncikname/username.
(
Crap Little Monkey Deathstar, so good they built it twice, Thu 17 Jun 2010, 13:52,
Reply)
with thanks to dchurch's former websiteI clawed back a shit load of bank chargesand credit card charges too. I also managed to get Comet to come repair my three year old oven that I didn't even have a warranty for.
When have you flexed your rights and made the law work in your favour for a change?
Could also be "When did you stick it to the man".
(
sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 16 Jun 2010, 17:56,
Reply)
This must've been suggested before buterotic stories. A chance for the writers here to post their work. And a deviation from .jpg, .mp4, .avi
(, Tue 15 Jun 2010, 15:22, Reply)
Your defining momentA place you've been, a person you've met, something you heard. What contributed to making you the person you are?
(
Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Wed 2 Jun 2010, 1:11,
2 replies,
latest was 15 years ago)
Stag and Hen Nighs/Weekends/DisastersThere is always a small minority who try and ruin it for the rest of us. Is it you?
Are you the person who ties your mate naked to a branch of HSBC before calling the police to tell them someone is trying to break in? Or is your favourite jape to stick a drunk friend on a train to the other end of the country?
Tell me your tales or awful weekends away. Or good ones.
(
JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 24 May 2010, 20:28,
1 reply,
15 years ago)
Poor decisions...We have an opportunity today to make a decision that could have terrible consequences for out country.
As a microcosm of this, have you ever been in a position in which you have made a decision that has had terrible consequences for you and those around you?
(
disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Thu 6 May 2010, 8:19,
Reply)
ParanoiaThe whole world is against me, even the milkman.
Tell us about it.
This has not been done to my knowledge.
(
stopmeandslapme Cometh the hour, cometh your mum, Fri 30 Apr 2010, 20:29,
2 replies,
latest was 15 years ago)
Your NemesisWhen I was a nipper, there was a fat girl in my class who kept stealing things from my pencil case, including my prized Thunderbird 2 rubber. This meant war and eventually our parents got involved. Just when I thought I was rid of her, she ended up at the same secondary school as me, and was also in the same class - our battles continued.
Have you ever had an enemy that just didn't go away?
(, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 23:29, Reply)
This is possibly the laziest thing I have seen:
Those bins were empty, but some folks just really couldn't be bothered to go the extra yard and actually put their bags in the bin so just left them there.
Do you have any more shining examples of laziness?
(, Mon 26 Apr 2010, 0:52, Reply)
Missing outA few years ago, at a B3ta bash style night out, I'd ran out of cash and decided to walk the 2 miles back home accompanied by another guy who lived on the other side of town. I said I'd lend him the money to get a taxi home but he would have to walk back to mine first.
On the way, his mobile rang and after a quick chat, he hung up and swore a lot. It turns out he was meant to be at a party at someone's house where there were 3 fit girls waiting to drain his bollocks dry for him.
What have you missed out on?
(
sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 15 Apr 2010, 13:24,
Reply)
My best friendEveryone has a story about their best friend. Whether they've been there during the good times or helped you through the bad, there's a reason they're your best friend.
Mine is a socialist cumbrian who got a liver infection and always has a sickipedia joke I haven't heard yet.
Tell us about yours.
(, Fri 9 Apr 2010, 3:20, Reply)
Revelations.Until a few months ago I always read FTW as "fuck the what" and thought that's what it stood for and a friend of mine thought you couldn't get pregnant doing it "doggy style."
What revelations have you had after far too long?
(
mike woz ere 7442200 & 7696970 getter, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 0:52,
Reply)
The Vote, The Country, The ChoiceOK, so we're in mid-election bandwagon country, so, say, if by sheer fluke, miracle, or a Bullies special prize, you got to take the helm and change the country, what would YOU do to make a difference? - Grab your soapbox, and make your ideas heard - let the flaming commence..
(, Wed 7 Apr 2010, 21:52, Reply)
presentsI just read an article about teachers getting presents at the end of term getting all out of hand and got me thinking what is the most innapropriate gift/present you have given or recieved?
(, Wed 31 Mar 2010, 17:22, Reply)
Where were you when................?We all remember where we were when major world events happened. 9/11, The moon landings, death of Princess Di, Marathon changed to Snickers...
During 9/11 I was already on a plane to the Cook Islands, which was allowed to continue to its destination, and hence I have a passport stamp for 11th September 2001.
Where were you when the shit hit the fan?
(
h3donist tryin' to play me out as if my name is Sega.., Sat 27 Mar 2010, 0:14,
Reply)
Bosses we have known.Ever had a great boss?
Ever had a right twat lording their role over you?
Spew the bile, or make us wish we worked with you.
(, Tue 23 Mar 2010, 14:34, 1 reply, 15 years ago)
Unintentionally hilarious"Who left the bloody toilet seat up!" screamed my harpie ex girlfriend one day, "I'm having a crack down on that!"
Of course you are dear.
Ever heard or seen something unintentionally hilarious?
(
difficultchild, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 21:47,
Reply)
Sleep DeprivationI once stayed up all night before doing a presentation at university. I was so wired I had to ask my lecturer to hide his guide dog because "he was freaking me out".
What's the longest you've been awake for and what kind of crazy shit did you see and do?
(, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 0:13, Reply)
Who/What wakes you up in the morning?Inspired by this answer: www.b3ta.com/questions/letterstheywillneverread/post657902
(, Thu 11 Mar 2010, 11:38, 4 replies, latest was 15 years ago)
RomanceLast night I told my girlfriend that if she ever turned into a vampire, I'd definitely hesitate before killing her.
What's the most romantic thing you've ever said, done, or experienced?
(
Wet-chinned bag shanker Cannot parse Wogan, Mon 8 Mar 2010, 10:18,
2 replies,
latest was 15 years ago)
DumpedWe've all been dumped, or dumped someone. (Unless you are one of these freaks who have stayed with your first partner for life and never tried owt else).
How did it go? Get the grudge-fuck in before doing the deed? Was it funny - or sad?
Tales of relationship breakdown.
(
JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 7 Mar 2010, 18:07,
1 reply,
15 years ago)
Too Polite For Your Own GoodAt the age of 17, I found myself in a bar once with a mate. She ordered a WKD, and the barman brought her a Double JD instead. Not wanting to complain, she begged I had it. One downed malty shot later, and I felt rather ill.
Have you ever been too polite? Done something embarrassing just to save face? FUCKING HELL TELL ME YOUR STORIES.
(, Sun 7 Mar 2010, 11:27, Reply)
Travelling/HolidaysI have been to some horrific tourist traps in my time. One time I arrived in Spain with my then GF, to a half built hotel resort, it was a bit like the shining but instead of Jack going crazy, it was me!! Never went back to spain or on another package holiday!! To make matters worse we were surrounded by moronic English people that I never would meet back here in the UK. I think maybe that's because I don't live in Essex. Anyways, holiday disasters pls. *sticks out palm*
Have to admit though I voted for the Nostalgia QOTW and the 2030 one, good ones me thinks!
Holidays Probably bindun!
(, Mon 1 Mar 2010, 17:33, 8 replies, latest was 15 years ago)
In too deepWhen I was a student I had a (very) breif stint as a delivery driver for a company that sold bathtubs. Very breif indeed. Why? Because I can't drive. Failed to mention that in the interview and the bloke who interviewed me never asked. I was in too deep. Ended up running off after about an hour of putting off taking the van out.
Tell us about the occasions you've been in too deep.
(
SpankyHanky, Mon 1 Mar 2010, 15:26,
1 reply,
15 years ago)
LOST IT !!!This weekend I found myself questioning whether a fellow passenger on the tube actually knew his father (or words to that effect) while waving my arms about and generally frothing at the mouth. Why? Because he’d just sat on my carton of eggs… I’d had a long day, no sleep the night before, was piss wet through after trudging round London all morning and, to be honest, I just completely lost it.
Tell us about the times you, someone you know, or some random stranger has completely lost it and gone on a sweary rant rampage(much to the amusement of everyone else in close proximity).
(
SpankyHanky, Mon 1 Mar 2010, 15:18,
Reply)
How about one......that just gives folk a week to whine, whinge and bitch about the QOTW? Maybe if they had an entire week to get it out of their systems then they'd shut the fuck up.
(, Mon 1 Mar 2010, 13:49, Reply)
Stickin it to the manProblay bin dun but I like to rob fancy pens from stores.
(
dazbrilliantwhites has been meaning to change this..., Thu 25 Feb 2010, 20:01,
Reply)
Stupid, stupid, stupidA girlfriend once asked me, seriously,
"The dinosaurs were before Jesus weren't they?"
Tell us those really dumb things people have said to you.
(No, she wasn't my girlfriend for much longer.)
(
Blind Meach Cautiously optimistic, Wed 17 Feb 2010, 17:13,
Reply)
Learning to driveMy first car has just been written off (surprisingly, it wasn't my fault). Console me with your stories.
(
Hdjejjwsjdjjf LOOK, Tue 16 Feb 2010, 2:39,
1 reply,
15 years ago)
Practical JokesWhat is the best practical joke you've ever pulled, or had pulled on you?
Have your jokes ever backfired on you and how?
Tell us your stories...
(, Mon 15 Feb 2010, 12:36, Reply)
WeightPutting on the pounds, dramatic weight loss, love handles, exposed ribs, sparrows' legs. Tell us your body-weight stories.
(, Thu 11 Feb 2010, 12:14, Reply)
EmbarrassedWhen were you last excrutiatingly embarrassed? Tell us all in painful detail.
(, Mon 8 Feb 2010, 3:59, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)
PlagiarismMen at Work have been caught with their flutes out having taken the Girl Guides Down Under.
But what was your greatest victory in the name of plagiarism?
(, Fri 5 Feb 2010, 15:05, Reply)
Lets get offensive!One of the few QOTW that i return to for a proper naughty giggle is Sick Jokes...Time has past, Celebs have died, disasters have occured and new diseases have been discovered..come on lets do it again!!
So click in disgust...
(Or maybe keep it an open board like Top Tips?)
(, Fri 29 Jan 2010, 11:49, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)
Conversation Fails?What conversation fails have people incurred?
What's been your biggest speech fail?
(, Mon 25 Jan 2010, 22:55, 1 reply, 15 years ago)
The ElderlyApparently within the next 60 years most of us young-uns will be dead or in homes, or in my case hopefully completely off my marbles screaming about imaginative creatures called domos trying to get me and my love for horses.
What awesome things have you experienced with the elitist terrorist group known only as "The Elderly"?
(
Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 10:55,
Reply)
Real life slapstickI have simple comedic tastes -- people falling over, getting splatted by custard pies, that sort of thing. Tell us of the hilarious pratfall you saw or what befell you as a result of your being a clumsy simpleton.
Here's mine:
I had a lovely bowl of soup, and as I sat down to eat it I accidentally put my hand in the bowl instead of on the spoon. I instinctively flung my hand away from the heat and somehow dumped the bowl all over my lap. I then had to pull my trousers down as it was scalding my legs (in the process exposing my old, greying, holey knickers to everyone else present). As a result of the hand-fling and the standing up I threw a 'curtain'/wave of soup across the room.
(
Bob Todd whee, Fri 15 Jan 2010, 23:23,
1 reply,
15 years ago)
WeddingsHaving read the vomit qotw it reminds me of one wedding where the groom chucked up all over his lovely new wife. What can or has topped that?
(, Tue 12 Jan 2010, 14:08, Reply)
and another thingHow come the entire country comes to a fucking standstill when we have some snow. When I was a kid in 70s and 80s, everything just carried on as normal. People went to work, the buses ran on time (although a bit slower) and the council didn't run out of grit. The only time I remember our school closing was when I was 5 during the winter of discontent when the school ran out of coal and we got two days off.
Now people just use the snow as an excuse to stay of work the skiving gets.
Let's have a rant-a-thon and get everything off your chest.
(
sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 5 Jan 2010, 13:20,
Reply)
Inappropriate things to shout during sexMine would be a rocky-esque 'ADRIAAAAAAAAAAAN'
What have you, should you, or would you shout during sex that you thought was great? Was it?
Funny, true, fake or worrying, who cares, I've reached the vinegar strokes and nothing's going to stop me!
(
Jimbuktu See? Right here, Sun 3 Jan 2010, 21:39,
7 replies,
latest was 15 years ago)
what's the cleverest thing you've ever saidtell us your bon mots and pithy comebacks
i don't remember any of mine, but people do sometimes quote things back to me that I have apparently said
(
Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 30 Dec 2009, 14:42,
1 reply,
15 years ago)
Ordinary things that gross you out that other people find completely normalI was left in charge of cooking the Christmas dinner this year due to unforeseen circumstances and as such had to sort out the beast of a bird that needed cooking. My mother found it hilarious that I was grossed out by putting my hand inside the turkey and ripping out the fat and giblets, considering the job that I do. The fact that I routinely don latex gloves when dealing with animals, dead or alive seemed to have escaped her.
(
fuck shit up the best you never had, Tue 29 Dec 2009, 22:15,
1 reply,
15 years ago)
Oh god, I ust ot so drunk that I can oly remember flashbacks.I'm talkin' srious serious drunk, i can't remmmber anythin. I think I'm still wasted, need to drink a ton of water so not to wake up shitfaced.
I made like £100 on the roulllette machine and spunked it all on drink.
I htrew up in a cab =/
(
G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Thu 24 Dec 2009, 22:33,
1 reply,
15 years ago)
Medication Side EffectsOpiates apparently make you feel absolutely great, so it's no wonder people use them recreationally and become addicted. Other things make you gain weight, turn your poop bright pink, or get you drunk.
What inspired me to this QOTW suggestion is the following little story: I tend to get some pretty nasty panic attacks, so my doctor prescribed me Lysanxia to take when necessary. It comes in the form of drops to take with water. I have always hated the taste, but managed to choke it down when I needed it. So today, as I felt that godawful anxiety creeping up yet again, I poured a glass of water, put a few drops of Lysanxia in, took a drink, choked on it - and promptly tossed my cookies. And I am not prone to cookie-tossing AT ALL.
That's how rank the stuff tastes.
(, Wed 23 Dec 2009, 20:57, Reply)
Navel gazingTell us about your voyages of self-discovery and self-analyses. What insights did you gain and what conclusions did you come up with. Was it something you'd rather not have known, did it unlock valuable facts about yourself, was it just a welcome distraction for you, or did it give you the giggles? Or do you think that navel gazing is just a waste of time? Do tell.
(
mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Sun 20 Dec 2009, 14:19,
4 replies,
latest was 15 years ago)
How's your Christmas spirit?A friend of mine was walking into a theatre last weekend.
Outside, a Big Issue vendor was hawking his wares. The conversation went like this :
Vendor : "Big Issue miss?"
Friend : "No thanks."
Vendor : "What are you going to see?"
Friend : "Scrooge."
Give us your examples (or not) of the Christmas spirit.
(
finnbar has officially retired, Wed 16 Dec 2009, 16:56,
Reply)
Public personaIf you met me for the first time you might be fooled into believing that I was an upper middle class, public school boy. An aspiring writer about to sell my first novel who still finds time to go to the gym 3 times a week and party like a fresher every weekend.
In reality my family's working class, I've been working on the same stupid book for 5 years and pretty much only leave the house for ciggarettes, takeaway food and Nintendo Wii sessions at my mates.
Who do you pretend to be in public?
edit: or alternativley have you been found out and your cover blown?
(, Tue 15 Dec 2009, 21:20, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)
Smashed Childhood BeliefsSanta! Easter Bunny! The Tooth Fairy!
Being a kid you always had something to look forward to, until somehow that illusion of a fat bearded man in a red suit shimmying down your chimney is shattered by a friend or family member when you're 5 years old.
When or how did you realise that the world isn't secretly filled with gift giving strangers who creep into your house every so often!?
(, Tue 8 Dec 2009, 13:10, Reply)
Bizarre/Interesting examples/stories told by teachers to keep you interested/make you remember somethingPhew,
Quite a few slashes there. What I am getting at is that teachers will often give a story to try and help you remember a formula or keep you interested. Some are pretty cool.
Our physics teacher told us that you could shake down a lamppost if you shook it at is resonant frequency and kept going till it fell over. We tried this later at uni but it made far too much noise.
(, Sun 6 Dec 2009, 10:10, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)
Alternatively, Wankers...Ignore the fact that 'Tis the Season to be Merry by telling us about absolute bastards who've got on the wrong side of you.
(, Thu 3 Dec 2009, 10:16, Reply)
Stay out of 2010People you hope never make it to 2010 and why.
Should make for an uplifting holiday QOTW to counter all the sweetness.
(, Thu 3 Dec 2009, 2:36, Reply)
NeighboursI fucking hate them. They play music all night and day, throw parties whenever the mood strikes, and are constantly doing DIY throughout their house, keeping me, my fiancee and my baby awake all night and day. They won't answer their door to us but will happily go galivanting around outside at stupid o'clocl in the morning, before hastily retreating as we open our door to talk to them.
How do you deal with yours?
(
Kyazrael Juan, two, three, floor?, Wed 2 Dec 2009, 5:29,
1 reply,
15 years ago)
The wrath of naturebeen flooded in cockermouth?, snowed in? sunburnt in unexpected heat spells? When and how has the weather unleashed hell upon you or a friend of a friend?
(
willenium Fist bump for verification, Sun 29 Nov 2009, 12:33,
Reply)
Falling downHave you ever been on a separation anxiety-fuelled rampage across an American city? Alternatively, have you ever fallen over or down the stairs and fucked yourself up?
(
Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 27 Nov 2009, 21:38,
2 replies,
latest was 15 years ago)
New Years Eve CelebrationsEver got lost on the way to a New Years Eve party and ended up seeing in the new year in a freezing cold field, pissing down with rain, alone, surrounded by sheep? I have.
Tell us your tales of New Years Eve win and fail - only a few weeks to go now...
(
SpankyHanky, Fri 27 Nov 2009, 14:09,
1 reply,
15 years ago)
I've always wondered...I've always wanted to know how many people, if anyone, ever had sex in my school toilets. They were (and probably still are)phenomenally horrible; the floors were never without a liberal coating of piss. Unfortunately there's no way I'll ever find out.
Could one realistically do a poo weighing over 10lbs? Is Rob Manuel as manfully charming and muscular as he is in my oily fantasies? What percentage of the QOTW answers involving sex are complete fabrications?
What ridiculous stuff have you always wondered about?
(, Tue 24 Nov 2009, 14:59, Reply)
DrugsWe could cover some highs and lows, if you pardon the expression.
Share your drug-related tales, both heart-warming and heart-rending.
(, Tue 24 Nov 2009, 10:08, Reply)
Things that made more sense when you were a kid.When I was a kid I used to love the bit on "Get Your Own Back" when the parent was raised higher above the slime for each correct answer. Looking back, I don't know why.... that parent was going in the slime anyway, what difference does the height make?
What made more sense when you were a kid than it does now?
(, Fri 20 Nov 2009, 23:33, Reply)
Workplace IdiotsBecause I have to work with lots of them, and want to know that I'm not the only one.
(, Thu 19 Nov 2009, 10:01, Reply)
Stupid relationshipsEver had that stupid relationship you know wouldn't work / shouldn't work but you just can't for some reason leave / break-up?
i.e. the girl I was with for over 3 years who cheated on me and I begged to have her back only for her to do it again, or my latest who said she had a history of cheating then used that as an excuse saying "you know what I'm like" when she did it to me but I'm too forgiving (however I'm now only full of resentment and don;t want her in anyway but can;t seem to burn the bridges...)... Somehow my only 'good' relationships where everything is rosy is always minus the love...
I'm such a mug sometimes but do you have any stories where you want to end it but something says no even though every part of your brain and body says leave? Let me know...
(, Wed 18 Nov 2009, 22:00, 1 reply, 15 years ago)
Awkward moments......Me mum recently went to a doctors for a mammogram, and the young doc asks her if it's ok to place some sensors on her chest. After me mum whaps her bits out and the doc sticks the sensors on he announces "Oh by the way, I was in school with Jeccius you know...."
Have you experienced anything as awkward as this? Discuss :)
(
Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 11:12,
3 replies,
latest was 15 years ago)
Kicked out, Banned and BarredI've been banned from a couple of pubs in my youth as well as as a chinese resturaunt. None of which was my fault. Honest guv.
Been kicked out by surly landlords for having a good time? Given marching orders by cunty partner for daring to have friends or was your banishment totally deserved cos you're a smelly twat?
Tell us your kicked out stories...
(
TheMattInAHat has a particular... odour..., Sun 15 Nov 2009, 22:22,
Reply)
CharityChildren in Need is approaching. I hate these national telethon type extortion rackets with a passion. To the point that I’d rather take the day off work than be subjected to yet another cake sale or some senior manager mincing round the office dressed like Scooby Doo.
Last year, my point was proved when one of the managers was asking for sponsorship in order for them to sit in a bath of jelly. He raised about fifty quid. However, he spent closer to a hundred quid getting the bath, jelly and ridiculous costume sorted out. If he’d not bothered with his ‘stunt’ more poor kids with ASBO’s could have been given a PS3 and a week in Centre Parcs.
Tell me your stories of charity – be it as the fund raiser or as a guilt ridden punter who for an easy life, would rather put their coins in a bucket and be allowed to go about their business.
And if you want to wear your casual clothes whilst answering this question, I’ll need 50p off you.
(
JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 11 Nov 2009, 10:16,
Reply)
Fluff v Anti-fluffI've seen kittens being born and been attacked by a nest of wasps; there are plenty of stories of fluff/anti-fluff out there, but which one rules?
(
Jimbuktu See? Right here, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 15:50,
Reply)
Paranormal?I see dead people.... Does anyone else?
(
TheFinch is getting to grips with the complex plane on, Wed 4 Nov 2009, 15:05,
3 replies,
latest was 15 years ago)
CostumesIn the spirit of the halloween season over here in North America...Anyway, I went trick or treating today with my little niece and nephew. I'm way too old, but I still wanted the candy, so I put my head through a hole in my bedsheet and put the pillowcase on my head. I was my bed. Or a floral ghost. My 4 year old niece noted to a neighbour "This is Amanda. She was going to wear a good costume, but she changed her mind."
Any stories of costumes or costume parties?
(, Sun 1 Nov 2009, 0:25, 1 reply, 15 years ago)
Pivotal MomentsThose moments in life where a choice or an event caused your life to take a significant change in direction, when your life was transformed completely.
Perhaps you realised at the time, perhaps you intended to change things. Or perhaps it's only when you look back now that you realise that was exactly when everything changed.
(, Sat 31 Oct 2009, 21:04, Reply)
it's quite clear to me we should get rid of politiciansand simply appoint Stephen Fry run the country as he see's fit. maybe with Joanna Lumley as home secretary.
who would you put in charge and why
(
spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Wed 28 Oct 2009, 19:37,
1 reply,
15 years ago)
Difficult teenage years...Did you write bloody awful poetry? Did you join a cult? Did you and your mates all get the same haircut and form a band? Did you run away with someone inappropriate?
Tell us all about what you put your parents/teachers/society in general through, in those oh-so-tricky years.
(, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 21:50, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)
Shit TownsI once went to Newport...
Please tell us your tales, quips, complaints and experiences of the places that make this nation the scaby, rancid, armpit of the world ... (Extra points for chavs, teenage mums, random acts of drunken violence and flowerpots filled with vom).
(
SpankyHanky, Tue 27 Oct 2009, 15:47,
7 replies,
latest was 15 years ago)
failure to knocka lady friend and i were walked in on recently by her mother, who didn't stop to think that the bedroom door may be closed for a reason. i found it all hillarious - it's a teenage right of passage, surely (ok, so i'm 32.. but that's not the point). alas, my partner in crime is mortified and it appears that the mother doesn't quite know what to do.
i was hoping that i'd find that this topic had been done so i could direct them to pages and pages of evidence indicating that, actually, it's a) incredibly commonplace and b) incredibly funny. alas... it doesn't seem to have been done yet!!
so, any chance of finding out who's been caught doing what, with whom.. by people who really should have knocked and waited.
(
deshnoodle agonising over sig files since 1995, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 11:10,
1 reply,
15 years ago)
mmmm....Funniest / sickest moment you've ever accidentally (or on purpose) walked in on?
(, Mon 19 Oct 2009, 13:00, Reply)
Shit Stories III read every one of the first ones twice, theres been enough time to eat some fibre find yourself in a pickle so once again, with feeling...
(, Fri 16 Oct 2009, 13:19, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)
WeddingsSurely everyone's had something funny/weird/shocking happen at a wedding?
(, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 9:27, Reply)
Jammy BastardEarlier this year I went to see Metallica. Unfortunately it eventually transpired I'd idiotically gone on the wrong day; however due to an odd turn of events I not only got in but actually ended up with a better seat than the one I'd booked.
When you have you been ridiculously, undeservedly lucky?
(, Tue 13 Oct 2009, 10:34, Reply)
Awkward situationsI was once nearly killed (or at least beaten to a pulp) by two 6'4" skinheads who thought - as a result of an unlikely series of events - that I was a dealer who had attemped to give away free drugs to their thirteen year old daughters.
What have you had to talk yourself out of?
(
Hdjejjwsjdjjf LOOK, Mon 12 Oct 2009, 3:18,
1 reply,
15 years ago)
Pivotal moments in historyI once had a minor role in a new play. As it was the first performance, were you to buy the script my name would be inside as part of the (first) cast; Woodsman - Schrodingers Cat.
It what ways have you left tiny skid marks on the fabric of history?
(, Sat 10 Oct 2009, 20:38, Reply)
CyclingAre you a driver? Do you HATE cyclists? Do you think them arrogant, lycra-clad louts who have no right on the road as they don't pay 'road tax'? Do you long to mow the bastards down? TELL US YOUR STORY
Are you a cyclist? Do you HATE motorists? Do you think them impatient, ireful, ignorant idiots, who don't understand that there is NO SUCH THING AS ROAD TAX FFS?! Are you pissed off with being cut up, gobbed on, and generally intimidated? TELL US YOUR STORY
Are you a pedestrian? GET OUT OF MY WAY THEN YOU FUCKING CUNT.
Tell us your stories of cycling whether you are a motorist, cyclist, pedestrian or indeed all three.
(, Thu 8 Oct 2009, 11:55, Reply)
ForeignersTell us your stories on foreigners just being foreign or when you've been a foreigner in a distant land and ballsed it up somehow.
(, Tue 6 Oct 2009, 15:43, 1 reply, 15 years ago)
Faux pas fuck upI once spent New Year's Eve at a girlfriend's grandparent's house with her and her extended family (it was as exciting as it sounds). Near to midnight, we all buggered off over the road to go and see some OAP friends for a drink.
After several glasses of our host's finest bubbly, we all trouped out the front door wishing them well and good health etc for the New Year. As I've been brung up proper, like, I offered my hand to warmly shake the host's hand and thank him for his hospitality.
It was then that I realised that he had no arm. So I shook his stump. Everyone saw.
Every wanted the ground to open up and swallow you? Share your tales of social etiquette gone wrong.
(, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 18:28, 1 reply, 15 years ago)
Lateral thinking:For instance - to really attract men, perfume should smell of Bacon.
(
Hdjejjwsjdjjf LOOK, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 1:48,
1 reply,
15 years ago)
Honest, Its not what it looks likeEver been caught out doing something that you wasn't really doing
(
Terry Oblong There's nobody here but us chickens on, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 1:28,
1 reply,
15 years ago)
Sports accidentsI've said it before and I'll say it again. I refuse to believe that this wouldn't be good.
(
Hdjejjwsjdjjf LOOK, Sat 3 Oct 2009, 14:48,
Reply)
conversations you wish you'd not hadA while back a friend of mine was got a taxi to go to the airport.
He started talking about football ect the usual banter, then the driver said he'd has some operation or other and started listing the things he had been unable to do the last couple of weeks e.g washing, gardening, wanking.
the last one became the topic of conversation (one way) for the next 15-20 mins.
(, Sat 3 Oct 2009, 13:58, Reply)
Something from this pageThat will lead to lots of funny/interesting/enlightening stories.
Rather than something thought up at the last minute/repeated from years ago.
I know it's asking a lot....
(, Thu 1 Oct 2009, 9:44, Reply)
How you've angered/annoyed a celebrity.Variations of this have been done, but surely new celebrity stories have been happening on a daily basis since then.
I just like to hear about celebrities being put in their place face to face from you.
Celebrities from all venues but ......extra credit for political celebrities being targeted by your verbal superiority.
(, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 18:34, 1 reply, 15 years ago)
so credit has cruncheda million careers have been culled, lifestyles laid bare
whats your best reason to keep your head out the oven
(
spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 20:48,
1 reply,
15 years ago)
What did you used to believe when you were little?I used to believe that my fanny knew it was OK to pee because it would see light as I pulled my red cord flares and pants down.
I tried to fool it by peeing in the dark and got very confused when it worked. Missed the loo though.
(
Mrs Entity is in hiding., Wed 23 Sep 2009, 21:13,
1 reply,
15 years ago)
Taking the piss.TWO YEARS AGO Mrs RoF reversed into a parked car, while the owner was in a shop buying a pint of milk. Yesterday we received notification from our insurance company that the other 'driver' has now gone to a solicitor and started a claim for injuries sustained during the accident.
When was the last time you took the piss on a grand scale?
(
Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Tue 22 Sep 2009, 20:37,
Reply)
Sexy AnticsHave you ever had sex with something/one
Let us know.
(, Thu 17 Sep 2009, 11:06, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)
Finally remembered the idea I came up withon Monday evening and it slipped my mind until now.
When did you last stick it to THE MAN? Have you had a satisfying win exercising your consumer rights against a large company? Have you had a parking ticket overturned becuase they flouted the rules? Have you spawned a mass boycott of a large retail chain because of their draconian approach to customer service?
You get the idea. The more 'Power to the People' the better.
(
sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 16 Sep 2009, 12:41,
Reply)
Gullible & Scammed .....My Uncle once received a letter from the Department Of Transport (i.e My Dad) advising him that his pride and joy 1969 Cortina was due to be scrapped under the UK's new scrappage scheme for vehicles over 25 years of age and less than £4,000 in value. He was to receive £50 for the scrap metal.
He was less than impressed when my dad told him it was a joke, he sold the car to 'Some Daft Prick' in the boozer for £500 two hours earlier.
When have you been scammed, or have you been the scammer?
(, Tue 15 Sep 2009, 13:50, Reply)
Your strange friend.Everyones got one, a mental friend who just doesnt quite fit in with your social circle. Mine shall remain nameless as I have a suspicion he is a b3tan. He doesnt work, sits at home on the xbox most of the day will only go out to pub quizzes. Does surprisingly well with the ladies though which irks somewhat. Tell us about your strange friends.
(
SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 13:46,
Reply)
Questions... AnsweredNot a QOTW suggestion, but how about having another category (between Top Tips and Bugs and features), similar to Yahoo! Answers or 118118.
People with questions can post them, and helpful b3tards can answer. It's left as an exercise to the reader which answers actually contain snippets of truth.
(, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 11:24, 1 reply, 15 years ago)
Guardian AngelsNew age nonsense or matter of fact?
Have you ever had an experience that should have ended in disaster and maybe even death?
But instead you end up hyperventulating face down in a pile of debris with your neck suspended just over a sheet of glass and wondering WTF just happened and why arent I dead?
(, Sat 5 Sep 2009, 1:52, Reply)
Oh.....that's disgustingI was in my room on November 1st 1992 (making me 8) happily nomming on my Halloween treats, delicious confectionary spiders, tasty gummi eyeballs and licking my chocolatey fingers with glee. I was having a whale of a time, until I remembered with a slight feeling of dread that I had been picking my botty free of threadworms and popping them between my fingers not 10 minutes previously.
Of course I hadn't washed my hands.
What disgusting things have you inadvertantly/advertantly done?
(, Thu 3 Sep 2009, 14:01, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)
What fucking about have you done on wikipedia?Now that wikipedia want to verify edits before publishing them, a source of literally minutes of fun seems to be coming to an end!
According to wikipedia (well, after an edit by my mate that lasted about 5 minutes before they edited his edit. Bastards.) the national sport of Bangladesh is running with scissors.
What articles have you fucked about with? bonus points for length! (of time before they changed it back, obviously).
Bindun? Hope not.
(
spesh., Thu 3 Sep 2009, 8:43,
Reply)
Diets and Dieting.I'm currently going through a self-imposed diet at present, trying to shed off some unnecessary weight. (hey, it's the internet: It's practically a requirement to have excess weight) Maybe other b3tans could give their stories on how they dieted, diet tips or maybe dieting disaster stories of people they know.
(
The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Mon 31 Aug 2009, 22:28,
1 reply,
16 years ago)
BollocksI was listening to the Radio the other day and someone arguing against banning air rifles said:
'What about football, eh? Football's killed and injured more people than all the guns in the world put together, and no one's suggesting banning football.'
You what?
Tell us about absolute bollocks you've heard people come out with.
(, Thu 27 Aug 2009, 12:26, 1 reply, 16 years ago)
Cooking disastersA lot of b3tans seem to like to cook, I know I do and am quite proud of my mad skillz. However, I've had some catastrophic failures as well, and I've witnessed more.
Regale us with tales of burning, exploding, steamy failure.
credit to spankyhanky among others
(
Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 20 Aug 2009, 15:22,
Reply)
FraudI've always wanted to take all the credit card numbers out of the database I maintain and blow the money on cars and hookers. The most fraudulent thing I've ever done is pay for 20 patio tiles when I claimed there were actually 25. Unlike the "Brazilian Two" I'm too feeble to break the law. What's your biggest fraud scam and can I use it?
(, Thu 20 Aug 2009, 12:21, Reply)
Once upon a timeI was travelling to school on the bus. I was sat at the front, on the raised seats near the front, and for a laugh I decided to see what would happen if I stood up as fast and as hard as I can. I found out. You'll nearly knock yourself the fuck out and have the worst pain imaginable in the top of your skull for about a day afterwards.
What's the most painful thing that's ever happened to you? Or how has your own stupidity caused you a ridiculous injury?
(
the pink chicken sniffer sniffs pink chickens., Tue 18 Aug 2009, 20:22,
Reply)
playground/childhood gameskids are best at inventing spurious nonsensical games. from speednob to playground kabbadi, well the fun was never ending. tell us your games, and lets get the best ones into the olympics.
(, Fri 14 Aug 2009, 19:23, Reply)
Stuff I've madeTell us about things which you've lovingly crafted with your blood sweat and tears.
(, Wed 5 Aug 2009, 15:57, Reply)
Movie MadnessAfter watching the watchmen i shamelessly try to gain mind powers by copying the film (staring at an object really hard and squinting).
Tell us your stories of looking like a tit in the small hope that you might become a superhero.
Lose points if anyone tried to be a jedi and whatnot.
(, Tue 4 Aug 2009, 8:53, Reply)
Random acts of kindnessHows about a fluffy QOTW?
What have you done out of the blue that was friendly, generous, or considerate.
Did karma pay you back or did you think bollocks to that, never again.
(
Terry Oblong There's nobody here but us chickens on, Mon 3 Aug 2009, 21:05,
Reply)
Stuff like1) putting empty butter containers back in the fridge
2) someone using the same spoon to make coffee and tea, which gives a tea and odd taste
3) My kids not unravelling their socks properly when they throw them in the washing basket.
4) The last person home in the evening not locking the door.
5) People not replacing the toilet roll or not throwing out the empty tube.
6) One of my neighbours empties his car ashtray full of fag-ends into the road when he's cleaning his car.
What trivial things should you really MTFU about but can't help finding them irksome?
(
sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 3 Aug 2009, 17:18,
Reply)
Broke down...I once broke down in the South of France when I was around 19 years old with my 18 year old GF.
We had to push start the car through most of Italy, and when it did go it was running on three plugs.
If it wasn't for a fluke running into her boss in a camp site and him fixing the car and buying us a battery, we'd still be there.
Bastard!
What's your worst breakdown and how did you get out of it?
(, Fri 31 Jul 2009, 17:16, Reply)
Food Sex.Chocolate body-paint? M&M's where they shouldn't be? Painful cucumber antic's?
Bringing the kitchen into the bedroom, get involved!!
(, Wed 29 Jul 2009, 15:07, Reply)
Hospitals!I once spent the very early hours of a Saturday morning getting my broken leg put into plaster.
I also 'amused' the nurse doing this, with my Sean Connery impressions whilst high on Nitrous Oxide...
"Yesh. Itsh my shubmarine"
Tell us more hilarious hospital horrors...
(
scoshi pretending to diet since, Thu 23 Jul 2009, 14:52,
Reply)
Farms / FarmersThere must be some amusing anecdotes about farms?
(, Thu 23 Jul 2009, 10:25, 1 reply, 16 years ago)
Wrongly accused!While having a drunken piddle into a bush a police car pulled up behind me and started questionning me about a local burglary for which I fitted the description.
Realising I was no burglar I relaxed and promptly resumed piddling... this time on the side of the police car with obvious consequences.
Tell us how being wrongly accused has had alternative consequences for you.
(, Wed 22 Jul 2009, 11:08, 1 reply, 16 years ago)
It's broken but we can live with it!When I was a student we had a rental tv and the remote control tended to be left on top of the storage heater beside the armchair.
One day we discovered the heater had worked overtime and melted/welded the remote control to the radiator!
Fortunately it was still pointing at the tv so could be used and the added benefit it would never get lost... only problem would be one day the batteries would go flat.
What have you learnt to live with despite it's obvious broken nature?
(, Wed 22 Jul 2009, 11:05, Reply)
Best public toilet graffiti.Inspired by this little gem, seen scrawled above the urinals in the toilets on my way to work this morning:
"Cok dun now wank."
Simple, to the point (maybe slightly confused), and words to live by, I feel.
(, Mon 13 Jul 2009, 15:11, Reply)
Recipes.Let's make a useful QOTW, give up your best recipes!
(
Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Mon 13 Jul 2009, 4:23,
Reply)
School disciplineOther then being twatted half to death by a lead weight, what ingenious punishments have been meted out by teachers for unruly behaviour?
I was once given an A4 sheet of graph paper, told to put a dot in every millimetre square and hand it in the next day......it was bonfire night.
Bastard.
(
Twizla ...a shrew living on the edge of a bog, extinct on, Sat 11 Jul 2009, 22:52,
Reply)
ShoppingWe all have to do it, the parking, the crowds of dead eyed zombies, standing behind someone with 11 items in the 10 item or less que and deciding that hangings too good for em, Watching kids wail all the way round Tescos. The rigmarole of returning stuff that dosen't fit. The "fun" that is Ikea.
Its a part of everones life so there must be some more stories out there
(, Thu 9 Jul 2009, 12:47, Reply)
It's a small worldThe other year whilst attending a colleague's leaving do I found myself chatting up one of her mates. After about 20 mins of getting nowhere I gave up and spent the rest of the night playing pool. The next evening on my way home from another do I jumped on the tube did my usual nutter sweep only to find the girl I'd been chatting up the night before holding onto the very same poll I'd just latched onto a second before. Once I'd managed to convince her I wasn't stalking her we had a nice chat then she went her way I went mine and I've never seen her again since.
What's your "It's a small world" story?
(
Big Ian has stopped changing his sig, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 17:25,
Reply)
Girls Scream Aloud.Its been a good week for freedom of speech, and all round common sense: news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/tyne/8124059.stm
So in the spirit of the law, which band would you dismember, and in what order?
For bonus points though, the devil as always, is in the detail.
(
I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 0:18,
Reply)
Tramps.There have been some excellent stories in previous QOTWs involving tramps, burn-outs and the homeless insane.
Let's collect up our hobo-tales around the burning oil-drum.
(
Cawl, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 11:58,
Reply)
SHIT - The story continuesI think it is high time that we re-open the shit files. It has been long enough since the last, pant shittingly good, installment.
Give the B3tards what they want, stories about caca, nightsoil, caviar, bum gravy, arse chutney, thick brown soup, rich gravy, fizzy bisto and whatever other shit related names you can think of!
(, Thu 25 Jun 2009, 16:21, Reply)
One word:Bicycles.
Tell us your stories.
(
sanityclause is waiting until, Thu 18 Jun 2009, 11:55,
1 reply,
16 years ago)
MehBlackpool illuminations? - just bits of plastic on lamp-posts.
First sex? - damp and uncomfortable
Champagne? - makes you burp vinegar
What is all the fuss about? I don't get it
(
seeballs Doo da da doo da da doo da da doo, da da doo da do, Wed 17 Jun 2009, 20:22,
Reply)
How do you want to die?Yesterday morning, a friend announced that when he goes, he would like to be hacked to death by Orks. How would you like to meet your maker? Do you already know, due to a bizarre gypsy lady at a fair, or an uncanny gift handed down from your slightly weird grandmother?
In other news, any LARPers available to hack my friend to death?
(
b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 15 Jun 2009, 9:59,
Reply)
Exchange studentsHow did you torture them, or what did you get up to when you were one?
(, Fri 12 Jun 2009, 14:52, Reply)
Your first experience of self pleasure.I remember it like it was yesterday (it wasn't).
I was listening to the radio whilst in bed, awaiting sleep to overcome me. Not sure what was on the radio, but it was just talky talky.
Then I had a wank.
How was it for you?
(, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 20:34, 1 reply, 16 years ago)
Airport experiences(Don't think anyone's come up with this yet but if they have, apologies).
I'm sure we've all done some travelling on aeroplanes, some good journeys and some not so good journeys. What sorts of experiences have you had in airports and on aeroplanes?
(, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 12:13, 1 reply, 16 years ago)
TwatsFour people let me down this week and so I decided they were twats. On evaluating other mates I found some of them were twats too. Then I worked out I was a twat for being friends with them. What twattish things have people said or done to you recently?
(
crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 9:50,
Reply)
Chavs, Townies, Garys, Pikies....Unfortunately, they exist and they plague our towns.
Also unfortunately they invade our lives, usually for small amounts of change, a cigarette or a fight.
What encounters have you had with this variety of Human Being and what was the outcome?
(, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 15:26, Reply)
What's your favourite story you've read on QOTW?Kind of like a QOTW clip show. The best of, or whatever.
(, Wed 10 Jun 2009, 5:33, Reply)
Encounters with weird people.I know we've had "eccentrics" and "I met a weirdo on the interwebs", but there's a lot of members, and these stories never seem to get old. I remember when I was on the bus, and saw a (pretty attractive) girl wearing a Fantômas T-Shirt. I liked the band, so as soon as I got off the bus, I turned and said "Cool shirt. They're a great band". Anyway, I started walking home, and until I got within about 7 metres of my house, I turned around, after having a strange feeling in the back of my neck. It was her. She'd been following me all the way from the bus. She asked me what my favourite song of theirs was, and needless to say it all got a bit weird. It got even worse when I learned she lived about 15 miles away. Surely there are more tales of strange experiences with even stranger people?
(, Thu 28 May 2009, 19:29, 1 reply, 16 years ago)
obsolete technologyreading though the 'oldies vs computers' qtow, I thought it might be worthwhile to see what happens when you put the shoe on the other foot.
how have you young un's had trouble using fax machines, slide rules, using 4star petrol, engine chokes, cassette players, floppy disks, and typewriters for example?
(
willenium Fist bump for verification, Thu 28 May 2009, 18:10,
Reply)
Embarrasing things you've heard a parent say.My mate's mum is the best for this, the funniest being when a couple of my mates were talking a bit too much about spit roasting someone, his mum didnt know what this meant.
After a while she had enough with the noise and was met with silence when she said, "IF YOU TWO DONT SHUT UP, I'LL SPIT ROAST THE PAIR OF YOU!"
Classic Anne!!
(, Thu 28 May 2009, 17:04, Reply)
Butterfly effectWhat small decisions have you made that turned out to have big consequences later on? For good or for bad?
(, Tue 26 May 2009, 22:56, Reply)
First DatesThere was a 'my worst date' some time ago, but this could be any story, good or bad - was it love at first sight? Did you cop off? How was the movie?
(
flatfrog Staring vacantly into space, Thu 21 May 2009, 13:27,
Reply)
Weird PatriotismOne time in a bar in Cassablanca I nearly got into a fist fight with a fella from Boston (America, not Lincolnshire). Why? Because I claimed Bournville was the best damn chocolate in the world while he was a Hersheys man. We were both a long, long, LONG way from home...
Tell us about your strange, weird, or just downright idiotic outbursts of wanton patriotism.
(
SpankyHanky, Wed 20 May 2009, 23:14,
5 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
Gulp! Oh No!Ever had one of those moments when you've made a serious error? You have that fleeting moment of dread as realisation dawns that you have just done something REALLY bad and it's too late to stop it.
Something like switching off the wrong computer and waiting whilst literally thousands of users call to complain....
Or accidentally drinking poison intended for an enemy...
Then the panic...
You get the idea.
(
TheFinch is getting to grips with the complex plane on, Wed 20 May 2009, 15:06,
1 reply,
16 years ago)
QOTW True or False ChallengeI'm forever wondering which QotW stories are true and not.
What unbelievable stories are actually true and how believable a story can you make up? Tell all, and put a T or F in the last line (or first reply maybe).
(
Ugi , it's a game of give and cake, Tue 19 May 2009, 11:33,
Reply)
Unrequited love/lustWhat lengths have you gone to, to bring yourself to the attention of the object of your desires?
From coy flirtations to downright stalker mode.
(, Tue 19 May 2009, 1:23, Reply)
Impulse buysImpulse buying is a horrifying event which befalls men women and children all the like and usually has them scrambling to buy the most inane crap. So I ask tells us what inane crap you have bought under such impulses
(, Mon 18 May 2009, 21:06, Reply)
Seeing as we have bullies this weekand someone brought up teachers, I think a good one would be 'the best teacher you ever had.'
Everyone must have had at least one absolute hero of a teacher, and I would feel sorry for someone who never did.
(
Rookie You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel, Fri 15 May 2009, 12:09,
1 reply,
16 years ago)
I've been rereading The Yes Man after watching the (also very good) film.It's a multiple choice QOTW:
What is the maddest thing you have ever said yes to?
What do you most regret not saying yes to?
(, Thu 14 May 2009, 20:01, Reply)
Probably bin dun...... but can't be arsed looking back through everything.
Inappropriate Facebook groups? For example, Jews that look like Hitler
(, Mon 11 May 2009, 13:19, Reply)
Are you a mutant?So do you have any anatomical quirks - be they hindrances or something you find comes in handy - that make you think your body isn't quite normal?
Do your ears seem to be incapable of fitting standard-issue iPod earphones (they keep falling out)? Does your cock not do that 'pre-cum' thing? Does your mimsy emit rainbows?
What makes you a freak of Nature?
(
mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Wed 6 May 2009, 22:15,
Reply)
Weird dreamsLast night I dreamt there was a cerberus in the toilet and it killed the plumber. Anyone have anything weirder?
(, Mon 4 May 2009, 17:57, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)
Who's the stupidest person you've ever met?Not 'stupid' in the sense of 'intellectually challenged', so that they can't help it - no, I mean TRULY stupid. Criminally reckless. Darwin Award level.
(, Mon 27 Apr 2009, 19:31, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)
IgnoranceI had some friends visit me in London this weekend. At one point we were by the Thames looking at the 'rubbish filter' cage-type thing that captures rubbish as it floats down the river.
'But what happens when the river flows the other way?' asks one friend
'Eh? Rivers flow out to the sea - they only go one way'
'I didn't know that'
Then the other one piped up 'No I didn't know that either.'
Fucking hell...
(, Sun 26 Apr 2009, 15:54, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)
It's been a loooong time since "My Worst Vomit".So come on, toss your cookies!
(, Fri 24 Apr 2009, 11:48, Reply)
OwwwwwWhen I was 12, my brother (who was 24 at the time) was showing me the large fishing knife he had.
I then had a good idea, I sat on the edge of my bed and rested an egg tray (the sort that hold 36 eggs) across my knees. My brother brought the knife down with some force. However, my legs weren't far enough apart and the knife hit that bit of the knee joint where the thigh meets the kneecap.
Because of the knee joint, it only went in about 5mm, but I screamed like a fucking banshee and rolled around a lot.
My knee swelled up over the next two hours and my dad took me to hospital where they put in a single stitch.
I spent the next two weeks hobbling about like someone with polio.
What injury scars do you possess? Operations don't count.
(
sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 23 Apr 2009, 11:09,
2 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
How about one on weird people/experiences on airplanes or otherwise while traveling?I was traveling today and there was a really wierd woman on the plane who needed a lesson in reality. I'll talk about if this gets picked! (It's really not that big of a deaal, she was just an arrogant bit** who thought that she should be treated as a proincess instead of the oiece of @&%%$&#!?><:%%$ she actually was).
(, Sun 19 Apr 2009, 23:51, Reply)
Wow - That was SurrealI once flashed open my empty wallet to prove to my friends I was truly broke. A fucking moth flew out! Too stunned to speak, we watched it flit away.
My friends wanted to know "how I pulled that off", but it was just a weird, surreal moment. I was more gobsmacked than they were.
That's my most surreal moment. What's yours?
(, Sun 19 Apr 2009, 20:46, 1 reply, 16 years ago)
House partiesAn old schoolmate managed to spend the night of his house party lying semi-conscious in the front garden in a pool of vomit while his house was ransacked by gatecrashers.
What was the most epic housepary you've ever been to and why?
(, Thu 16 Apr 2009, 14:16, Reply)
I would do anything for love, including THATMy loving wife has had to drag my drunken body to bed when I've passed out, put medical cream on some of the nastier parts of my body following injuries and illness, cleaned up pools of my bodily fluids when I've been unable.
What have you done for the one you love that you wouldn't ever do for anyone else?
(, Wed 15 Apr 2009, 13:15, 1 reply, 16 years ago)
Biggest Lie on a job applicationFilling in a job application ?
Qualifications don't quiet match the job spec ?
Feeling a bit economical with the truth ?
Go on what's the biggest porkie you've ever told on a job application and more to the point did you get away with it, and what were the repercussions?
(, Thu 9 Apr 2009, 18:11, Reply)
This one time, at band camp..I'm fairly sure I'm not the only music geek in these parts who has attnded youth orchestra courses and the like, what geekiness have you got up to? And how hilarious was it?
Even if you're not a muso, we've all attended youth camps and sports camps. What hilarity has ensued?
(, Mon 6 Apr 2009, 22:58, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)
Mobile phonesLove them or hate them, I'm sure everyone's got a story about them. Whether it's a drunken text, finding someone else's phone, or that twat in the carriage pretending to talk on one when it starts to ring, tell us your story.
(, Mon 6 Apr 2009, 10:15, Reply)
Arse..!In, out, or shake it all about.
What stories have you got to tell us that directly involves your arse?
Mine's been in a fair few scrapes I can tell you.
...and the thing is...unlike the 'penis' qotw, this is one we can all get involved in!
(
Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Wed 1 Apr 2009, 23:43,
Reply)
Tis the seasonFor an April Fools QOTW, what have you fallen for what jokes of yours have other people fallen for? Has anybody ever mistaken something you've done for an April Fools and refused to believe otherwise?
(, Wed 1 Apr 2009, 12:49, 1 reply, 16 years ago)
Life's little pleasures . . .From managing to catch the last bus on Friday evening after work, to a cup of tea on a Sunday morning with the papers, what are the "little things" in life you appreciate?
(
Mrs Legless . . . belongs to, well, you know . . . :), Tue 31 Mar 2009, 2:24,
2 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
Epitahs/gravestone headingsWhat would you like as a memorial to your death? (statues/day of morning etc are not allowed. Be realistic)
My current favorite gravestone title is:
"It seemed like a good idea at the time"
(
Crap Little Monkey Deathstar, so good they built it twice, Mon 30 Mar 2009, 12:01,
3 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
What the cunting fuck?Does anybody bother to look here?
Thought not...
What a load of old twatbadgery.
(, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 10:39, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)
Car accidentsI'm dying to tell the story of my aunt Madeline who drove into an 8 foot hole, and my various other relatives that are defying logic by still being alive. Except aunt Madeline. She died of a surprisingly non-car related reason.
(, Thu 26 Mar 2009, 19:55, 1 reply, 16 years ago)
Getting you thereSometimes, orgasms come (cum ?) speedily, other times (especially with age / alcohol / drugs / boredom) it takes a while to achieve mission success.
So, prompted by the current FP picture of Gazza's best wank, what images / memories come (cum ?) into your head to guarantee success ?
[Edit] By sharing these images, it could be like swapping old p0rn - without the sticky pages.
Not saying mine unless it becomes QoTW. You have been warned !
(
I_Was_Mordred, Sun 22 Mar 2009, 22:22,
1 reply,
16 years ago)
CampingI'm going camping over Easter as part of my attempt to climb Scafell pike (the tallest mountain in England).
Anyone fancy providing me with a litany of horror stories before I set off?
Oh and if this question is chosen I promise to to post a embarrassing tale about public urination that is camping related.
(
willenium Fist bump for verification, Sat 21 Mar 2009, 17:19,
2 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
I R GeniusEvery now and then, along come ideas, that seem like utter genius at the time..... Until you nearly lose your fingers trying them.
Did you give your lawn mower a tune up, ride the dodgem cars at the fair whilst drunk, or simply try to smoke a cigarette on a motorbike.
(, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 13:19, Reply)
Credit CardI awoke one morning to find my computer on and my credit card next to the keyboard, a quick check of my email showed £553 of drunken purchases. What have you bought inebriated online and then wished you hadn't?
(
Terry Oblong There's nobody here but us chickens on, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 1:26,
2 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
Failed to reactSat outside the pub an angry man started shouting in my friends face trying to bate him into a fight. Instead my friend just stared blankly into space oblivious to the danger inches in front of him, to the disgust of the chavvy would be streetfighter.
How have you averted trouble by being oblivious to the danger?
(, Wed 18 Mar 2009, 10:14, Reply)
NicknamesOne time I knew a fella with the nickname Wax On Wax Off, had no idea why; until the night he single handedly beat the crap out of five bikers with his karate moves after they accused him of being a midget.
Nicknames - discuss...
(
SpankyHanky, Tue 17 Mar 2009, 13:26,
Reply)
BodgeBefore there was steampunk, there was the bodge job. Bodge is like steampunk except there are only two main tools: hammer and gaffa tape.
What bodge jobs have you seen/done? My personal bests in this regards are newspaper bandages on a cut and cementing plasterboard walls in place.
Come on B3ta sahre you inner MacGiver
(
willenium Fist bump for verification, Mon 16 Mar 2009, 13:51,
1 reply,
16 years ago)
Time machineSeems simple and obvious: if you had a time machine, what would you do with it?
Minus points for "Shoot Hitler/ Stalin/ Thatcher/ Gandhi"
(
Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Sun 15 Mar 2009, 20:37,
1 reply,
16 years ago)
Sliding DoorsRemember the plot? Miss a train to work, take the day off and your whole life works out differently from just that one event.
What's the greatest\worst\stupidest thing that's happened to you because you, what seemed at first, to miss (out on) something?
(, Sun 15 Mar 2009, 19:45, Reply)
Awesome MomentsEveryone has a moment in their life, that they can look back on and think "That was the most amazing thing ever!". It could be the ultimate comeback in an argument, the best sirlon steak in the universe or even just seeing your child's first steps.
Tell us about the most awesome moment of your life.
(, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 20:35, Reply)
English mother fucker, do you speak it?(Inspired by an apparent lack of 'pun'derstanding of the current QOTW)
Post your favourite examples of engrish, slip of the tongue (Oh, I say!) or just 'plane' stupidity.
(, Wed 11 Mar 2009, 13:45, 1 reply, 16 years ago)
Mistaken momentsFollowing a drunken night out I had a meatball Subway. Only, one of the meatballs must have dropped out whilst I was eating it.
The next morning I saw the meatball on the floor, assumed I'd had a horrific drunken accident, and had to rip off my boxers to ensure my balls were still in place. They were, thank god.
What stupid mistakes have you briefly made?
(
krang, Tue 10 Mar 2009, 17:39,
Reply)
How about.......a QOTW (or even more than one) that:
* is interesting to read, i.e. we won't get bored of reading the answers after about 10 of them
* has not been asked on this site before
* is fun to answer
?
Seriously, they're getting a bit shit, only without the 'a bit' part. There's loads of good ideas here, so why are repost-fests or just plain old wank being selected instead?
(, Tue 10 Mar 2009, 11:50, Reply)
Outside your houseIn the olden days I used to have a different burnt out stolen car outside every other night, random drunks fighting, people pissing on our front door, someone thinking our flat was a charity shop (WTF?). What is the weirdest head-fuck thing you've seen outside your abode?
(
Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Mon 9 Mar 2009, 11:10,
Reply)
CampingEvery time I've ever been camping, it has led to serious weirdness in one form or another. Tell us your stories.
(
Hdjejjwsjdjjf LOOK, Sat 7 Mar 2009, 18:28,
Reply)
Hold down the zero key.Keep it held down until a number of zeros appear. Make one line or several. See if you can produce an interesting number of zeros. For added hilarity, scatter a few spaces within.
(, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 22:16, Reply)
The masterpiece that never quite wasMine was an entirely animated 70s cop show starring a sexy blonde detective and her sexy ginger midget partner. It would have been set in southern California and the theme tune would have been "Sin City" by AC/DC. The bad guy was using his lucrative Swiss chocolate import/export business as a front for his crimely goings-on, and two of his henchmen were mimes. I got as far as drawing the characters before losing interest.
What was your screenplay, novel, TV series etc that never quite made it to fruition?
(, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 22:15, Reply)
Inexplicable QuestionsI've just been to get my first coffee of the day from the canteen downstairs in my Place-O-Work(tm) and when ordering I was asked "Will you be putting milk in that?" to which I answered "Yes. Yes I will." As I walked away, I realised that the canteen staff *always* ask this odd question. The price is the same whether I say yes or no.. ..so why do they ask?
What strange questions have you been asked lately?
(, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 8:04, 1 reply, 16 years ago)
Second HandWhat is the best/most useful/given the most pleasure, second hand item you have been given or bought?
(, Tue 17 Feb 2009, 10:23, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)
Pointless endeavors...I learned how to sew extremely detailed doll's clothing purely so that I could make a Flat-cap and see if I could secure it to a bumblebee, as I thought at the time that bumblebees were the Yorkshire salary man of the bee world.
(, Mon 16 Feb 2009, 6:11, Reply)
Float Your BoatEver been on a boat? Ever fallen off a boat? Gotten laid on a boat, sank a boat, tipped a boat, flipped a boat, or stolen a boat? Crank up the way-back machine and tell us your stories of personal watercraft mayhem and mischief...
(, Thu 12 Feb 2009, 20:21, 1 reply, 16 years ago)
Initiation ceremoniesYears ago I was made to do all manner of things on hockey tour for initiation.
Tell us about the things you had to do when you started work, joined the sports team etc etc
(, Wed 11 Feb 2009, 17:16, Reply)
Bad TimingCall it synchronicity, call it coincidence, call it the gods of fate royally shitting on your cornflakes, sometimes things happen with the worst timing in the world.
So when did you call someone a cunt only to find out they were standing behind you? When did you slam the door the remember your keys were inside and your housemate was in Spain? When did you simultaneously find out that you'd not got that job and the object of your affections had gone back to his girlfriend?
If anyone's interested, the answers to the previous three questions are a) on a daily basis; b) two weeks ago last saturday and c) the 19th of January.
(, Tue 10 Feb 2009, 12:54, Reply)
*sighs*after my afforemention experience of the "ribina milkshake" i started to have terrible memories of things i was forced to endure as a child. such as, a Rice Crispy omlette... so its has to be... "worst thing your parents have tried to make you consume?" WARNING sterilized milk and ribina should NEVER EVER MEET.
(, Mon 9 Feb 2009, 11:22, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)
25 thingsThere's a thing going around Facebook at the moment where you write 25 things about yourself..
Exact rules here:
Rules:
Write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits or goals about you.
I'd love to find out a bit more about people, doesn't have to be 25 things either, even 10 would be interesting enough.
Ho Hum...
(, Wed 4 Feb 2009, 11:47, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)
b3ta qotw...I still think my idea from some time ago would become a good 'un;
Tales from B3ta...
Tell us how you first stumbled across the site, if you found the love of your life via the boards, seen one of your creations ripped off in some Heat/Nuts/Zoo/Daily Fail publication?
Been busted at work/school for logging on? Where's the most bizzare place you've ever viewed the new QOTW?
Tell us your B3ta story.
(
HSDriver was probably still at work on, Wed 4 Feb 2009, 10:23,
Reply)
What's your slogan?As suggested by Rakky, a discussion came about last night as to what your slogan would be to sum you up and why?
(
fuck shit up the best you never had, Sat 31 Jan 2009, 18:53,
9 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
Time saving effortsWhilst I'm waiting for the train to pull out of the station, I fold up the number of squares of loo roll I think I'll need and line them up along my thigh. This probably saves me about thirty seconds a year but it still feels as efficient as a Swiss power station. What daft things do you do to save yourself a few seconds?
(, Sat 31 Jan 2009, 12:37, Reply)
Call Centre MuppetsI'm having the usual end of the month trauma with accessing either my Barclays or Barclaycard on-line accounts.
Having tried several times to report the problem to Barclaycard yesterday (with their offshore call centre assuring me the website was working fine and they'd had no complaints, and me pointing out that the log-on page timing out and the fact that I'd already reported it, tended to suggest the opposite), I finally gave up in disgust.
This morning, with it still not working, I called the customer services hotline to find out my balance. After repeating the problem to the call centre person, she suggested I call Barclays Internet banking suport and promptly gave me the number....
....to the "Home Composting Hotline"
Says it all really.
(God, I hate Barclays).
Anyone else have any amusing call-centre stories, so I know I'm not alone?
(, Sat 31 Jan 2009, 10:03, Reply)
Unpleasant discoveriesI recently discovered that one of the more effective treatments for c. difficile is the faecal transplant.
What unpleasantries have you recently discovered?
(
Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Mon 26 Jan 2009, 12:03,
1 reply,
16 years ago)
Onstage HorrorsAt the tender age of four, I threw a monster screaming hissy fit in front of about 200 people. The reason? Being forced to wear some fetching brown tights for my star turn as an ox in the preschool Nativity play. Like a big girl. Bummer.
About 18 years later I found myself being chased offstage at one of my own gigs by an angry Mancunian mob, after announcing that I felt slightly dirty at playing at the home of the Scum (that's Man United to all you non footie types).
The gig was in the car park at Old Trafford. In hindsight, not an ultra smart move. Still, I'm proud I did it.
QOTWers are a talented lot, surely there must be some more tales of onstage catastrophe amongst us?
(, Thu 22 Jan 2009, 11:35, 1 reply, 16 years ago)
The ConfessionalDearly beloved,
We're all friends here. Is there anything you want to tell us? Here's your chance to get that thing that you've been feeling guilty about off your chest. I'm sure you'll find someone who's willing to forgive you...
In the name of Your Mum, The Ginger Fuhrer and the Holy Goat.
Amen
Father Fireflier
(
Fireflier La la la la, not listening on, Wed 21 Jan 2009, 16:05,
1 reply,
16 years ago)
And Here's one I made earlierWhen has an attempt to be creative or innovative gone totally down the pan? Be it cookery, woodwork or novel sexual positions, what did you do and what happened when it went wrong?
(
Hdjejjwsjdjjf LOOK, Sat 17 Jan 2009, 21:29,
Reply)
Childhood gamesDunno if its been done before, but i used to play fucking great games when i was a kid. you know, like manhunt, find and tag, all that kinda stuff. you get really creative ones too.
(, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 20:39, Reply)
"Why am I doing this?"Was what I thought when I ran out of money at 1am this morning in a shitty nightclub in Edinburgh. Half cut, bored stiff, back killing me, feet aching and really pissed off. I told the people who persuaded me it would be fun to fuck off, and went home.
Still, by dint of walking into a chip shop about 20 seconds before closing time I was able to buy two battered cheeseburgers for £1 each, so not all was lost.
When has it dawned on you that you'd really rather have minor surgery than carry on doing/being where you are?
(
Hdjejjwsjdjjf LOOK, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 3:02,
2 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
Mend and make doIn these hard up times, or in extremis, what have you used to get off?
I once attached a small aubergine to an electric screwdriver, using a wood drill bit which had a wide body to increase the torque(speared slightly off centre for that random gyration too). Bloody marvellous it was. :)
(, Wed 14 Jan 2009, 21:43, Reply)
Local twatsWho gives a bad name to your hometown/ immediate locale? York has this guy's blog www.rustneversleeps.org
He is a twat. He does not realise this. York, from this viewpoint, is nothing but a seething pit of spittle flecked, ill considered right wing tabloid lunacy. With delusions of journalistic competency.
Who paints a piss poor picture of your hometown?
(, Wed 14 Jan 2009, 18:41, 1 reply, 16 years ago)
Weird schemesThis would be a good one. What insane/eccentric/erratic plans have you been party to in the past, and did they work?
I've come up with a few in my time (most of which didn't work or ended up causing me considerable pain) - I'm currently working on a plan to modify my extremely large power kite into a paraglider, to be flown at low level on wrist straps. This may also end up involving skis.
(
Hdjejjwsjdjjf LOOK, Tue 30 Dec 2008, 3:35,
2 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
misconceptionswhat do people think about you that couldn't be less true? people seem to think that I listen to classical music, for example. that is as far from right as you can get. stuff I listen to includes AC/DC, the cult, the mission, the alarm, etc.
(, Sun 28 Dec 2008, 8:42, Reply)
dreamsWhat is the craziest/best/stupidest/etc dream you ever had (providing you can remember...)
other than the dream about rodents acting out LOTR (as mentioned on the 'off topic' post, I have a thing for encountering band members in my dreams, ill give a few examples...
one time I dreamt I met Dave Grohl, and for some reason he was in hospital in a full body cast for some reason, I got his autograph though..
another time I dreamt I talked to Bruce Dickinson on the phone, and he was a right nasty piece of work..
I wanna hear some dreamage...you b3tards
(, Tue 23 Dec 2008, 21:01, Reply)
How gay are you?Tell us about the moments when you've questioned your sexual orientation - whichever way it turned out! When did someone give you unexpected stirrings 'down there'?
(
flatfrog Staring vacantly into space, Sun 21 Dec 2008, 16:48,
2 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
What was your best ever day?What was your best ever day, and why was it so special?
From "The day I got my reply on the first page on QOTW" to "the day I came to my senses and escaped the situation which would otherwise have killed me."
For me, a soon-to-be-divorced dad-of-four who never ever wanted to get married, one of the best days of my life was my wedding day.
Surrounded by friends and family, committing to spending the rest of my life with the woman who'd turned that same life upside down when we'd first met, from start to finish it was a superb day.
I felt invincible. I felt confident. I felt on top of the world. A totally untouchable feeling from the moment I woke up the morning of the wedding day, to the moment I woke up in the arms of my wife the next day.
In fact, on reflection, it's no wonder the marriage failed. It was never going to live up to how great it was that very first day.
(
SeasonTicketless is too often the statue, and rarely the pigeon., Sun 21 Dec 2008, 12:16,
Reply)
I took three years of Spanish before they changed the teacherThe new guy was a complete airhead, and forced us to watch "Las Ketchup" on repeat, thinking this was suitable philological education. Now I'm a year and a half into Russian, and am leaving for Ukraine in a week.
Do you speak any other languages? Did you ever give up learning a new one, if so, why? Have you had any funny/embarrassing exchanges while attempting to speak to a native speaker?
(
AgentMuu hentai coordination, Sun 21 Dec 2008, 1:21,
1 reply,
16 years ago)
DaydreamsIm pretty sure we had a wierd dreams QOTW - but what does your mind latch onto during those idle minutes/hours during the day?
For the last few weeks, I have been daydreaming about being the last person on earth. Waking one day to find mankind wiped out by plague/radiation/aliens and Im the only survivor. I have got all the details planned out regarding food, water, electricity etc... think "I am Legend", but without the zombies.
Ive got to the point where each morning I suffer a tiny pang of disappointment when I realise everyone is still here.
Please try to avoid the inevitable sex fantasies.....27 pages of people saying "boobies" wont make for interesting reading.
(, Sat 20 Dec 2008, 16:32, 1 reply, 16 years ago)
That Smarts...Ouch! I trapped my fingernail in the hinge of a deck chair when I was a youngster. The quick, jerky reaction of pulling my hand away resulted in me losing my nail, bleeding lots and crying like a girl.
What have you done to hurt yourself in a stupid and/or comical way?
(, Tue 16 Dec 2008, 14:44, 1 reply, 16 years ago)
What is you claim to fame?Ever been an extra in a film? Been on That's Life with your talking dog?
Or, like me, were you on Playschool?
(
Mrs Entity is in hiding., Tue 9 Dec 2008, 23:01,
2 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
Trouble VirginsWhat's your earliest memory of getting into trouble?
(
Damocles wants no part of your debauchery, Tue 9 Dec 2008, 15:33,
Reply)
What makes you feel guilty?Whether its a story that makes you feel really bad when you think about it or just everyday things that you do that make you feel guilty. Not eating cake or chocolate, that doesn't count.
Look forward to hearing your stories..
(, Tue 9 Dec 2008, 2:09, Reply)
Worst/best/most hilarious sackingAttempt to recall a time in your life when YOU were dismissed from a place of work. It may have been completely unfair or so warranted that you were utterly dumbfounded as to why it didn't happen earlier. Oh and make it entertaining.
(
Fitznicely into a thimble, Tue 9 Dec 2008, 0:00,
Reply)
Aspirations.What aspirations do you have in life? What have all these years of careful planning, study or hard graft been working towards? They could be to one day rule the world or just to simply achieve nirvana. Are you aiming for married life and 2.5 kids or wealth, status and fame.
Let us know your plans and how your going to get to where you want to be.
(
girlinthehole, Mon 8 Dec 2008, 13:17,
Reply)
Celebrating the dearly departedA dear friend sadly passed away a few years ago at the age of 31 after a long illness.
He was quite a character, always the last to be dragged out of the bar, he was liked and respected my many and never let his illness get in the way of a brazenly caddish career of swordsmanship.
His horizontal shenanigans became the stuff of legend and are still discussed in reverential terms with wry smiles today.
Lets honour the life of a dearly departed comrade in arms in true b3ta style.
(, Mon 8 Dec 2008, 11:07, 1 reply, 16 years ago)
What really winds you up online?What do you read on the internet that makes you want to punch the keyboard in CAPS?
(, Fri 5 Dec 2008, 9:06, 1 reply, 16 years ago)
What was the worst way you managed to twist a question of the week's meaning so that you could use it to whine pathetically about your rubbish life ruining the fun for everyone?And how much of it was bullshit?
(
baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 2 Dec 2008, 15:45,
2 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
Crap reasons to start a fightI was at my girlfriend's house, when her ex phoned and my name came up in the conversation. There followed quite a serious argument during which my girlfriend just kept saying; 'there's no need to get angry'; 'please stop shouting' and other such pacifying comments.
'What was that about?' I asked.
'He thought you drove a BMW and got angry because it's a better car than his.'
I drive a 7 year old Nissan Micra with a couple of dents in one side and which is rapidly fading from red to pink.
(, Sun 30 Nov 2008, 12:45, Reply)
Breaking the rulesMy late aunty Ivy (god rest her) always, always used to cheat at Patience/Solitaire. I can just see her now, cackling to herself in her sherry-soaked cardy and moving cards about in a manner which she thought was surreptitious but was in fact less subtle than Martin Brundle on the pre-race grid trying to interview... well, anyone really. The innocent smile on her face as she won time after time gave no indication of the black-hearted cheating rogue she really was.
She took great pleasure in breaking the rules. Not the law; just the rules.
How do you break the rules?
(, Wed 26 Nov 2008, 17:38, Reply)
I was too niceAs we all know, niceness is the flower of humanity that brings us all together like a giant cozy hug. But sometimes, it is possible to be too nice.
So tell us about the times you thought you were too nice, and what you should have done instead.
(
mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Tue 25 Nov 2008, 19:50,
Reply)
Weird dreams (part 2?)My mate dreamt the entire pink elephants scene from Dumbo, only at the end one of them pooed out Bobby Davro.
What's the weirdest dream you've ever had?
(, Mon 24 Nov 2008, 22:16, 1 reply, 16 years ago)
Simple question:"How many?"
That is all.
(, Sun 23 Nov 2008, 9:05, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)
BOATJust how fucking excellent is it?
(, Thu 20 Nov 2008, 14:36, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)
SorryI once had some friends believing that their loved ones were burning down in the Canary Wharf building, due to an April Fools gag that went a bit too far.
I had to write a letter of an apology.
What have you had to say sorry for?
(, Sun 16 Nov 2008, 12:46, Reply)
I met a wierdo on the interweb part 2since I enjoyed the previous internet wierdo QOTW so much, I wanna do it again.
One girl I met online, decided to call me one morning, when I had a hangover from hell, telling me she was on her way to Derby to meet me totally out of the blue, on the train, from Northampton, costing her about 30quid.
I met this scrawny little fuck who bored me half to death.
but I couldnt think of a nice way of telling her to piss off...
full story if you vote for this to be QOTW :)
tell me some more internet wierdos you met fellow B3tians
(, Fri 14 Nov 2008, 19:03, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)
Life Changing DecisionsI made a life changing decision about 3 years ago. Since then, my life has changed from one of startling mediocrity to one of adventure, discovery and happiness!
What decisions have you made that have changed your life forever - for better or for worse? Tell us your tales!
(, Tue 11 Nov 2008, 11:17, 1 reply, 16 years ago)
If I was in powerWhat would you do if you woke up tomorrow and found yourself ruling the country?
Personally, I'd set up small comittees of Yorkshiremen with flat caps and whippets. Any new law/bit of health and safety legislation/politically correct bollocks would have to be approved before coming into force.
I'd also put Sir Alan Sugar in charge of the NHS, and make wasting government money a penal offence.
(
Hdjejjwsjdjjf LOOK, Sun 9 Nov 2008, 17:57,
Reply)
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh Geek out!your geekiest moment ever.
Me and the gf felt the best way to congratulate each other after sex was a high five.
(
willenium Fist bump for verification, Sun 9 Nov 2008, 15:25,
Reply)
How you nearly diedHas this bindun? Have you ever done something foolhardy and nearly kicked the bucket? (Euphamism added for extra punnage points).
Having almost terminal diseases or been in something that wasn't your fault such as been in a train crash or a 7/7 style incident don't count. Unless you were looking after a bag for a nervous muslim at the time.
ps, why isn't 7/7 simply known as '1'?
(
sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 4 Nov 2008, 12:16,
1 reply,
16 years ago)
Terrible attempts at chatting some one upA friend of mine regaled me with a story of when her and a friend where walking back home a chav on a bike rode past.
As he went by he suck his arm out and grabed one of her breasts. He road off.. They looked shocked at what had just happened.. but they continued walking. then the chav turned round and headed back towards them. He stopped and asked my friend for her number and whether she wanted to go out on a date.
what are your terrible chat up line stories?
(
arrangedletters, Sat 1 Nov 2008, 21:10,
5 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
Great British EccentricsTrying to steer away from a little bit of venom that's been hanging around in the air recently - how about something on your eccentric family mambers and neighbours. Being a bit posh, I'm sure there's in-breeding somewhere in the family tree, because we've had our fair share of total fruit-loops.
(, Wed 29 Oct 2008, 19:31, Reply)
A voilent oneWho would you like to kick up the bum really hard, and why?
(, Wed 29 Oct 2008, 14:04, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)
The Machines And UsWe've filled our world with machines. we can't live without them. How do we live with them? We swear at them, obviously, but what else?
Have you given your car a name? Do you try sweet-talking the toaster to toast faster?
How about blaming the grill when you nuke the sausages?
PS - anthropomorphising sex aids is right out.
(, Wed 29 Oct 2008, 13:17, Reply)
Local NuttersEvery town has them. They are usually seen wandering the streets, drunk and singing. The town I used to live in had a lycra wearing woman who used to wander about drunk at all hours of the day whilst singing made up songs at the top of her voice.
However the town I now live in has gone one better. There's a chap who dances next to the main roads in to the town, with his top off (he's at least in his mid fifties), drunk whilst listening to an ancient walkman with headphones straight out of the 80's.
He's so popular that he's got hundreds of fans on FaceBook and was recently asked to open a new shop. Although I'm not sure that inviting a mentally ill drunkard to launch your business is the wisest of moves.
(, Mon 27 Oct 2008, 14:59, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)
Funniest Spam EmailsI can't help but laugh at some of the Spam I get. People with male names claiming to be beautiful russian girls looking for love.
Then there are the Phishing mails that are so badly written they might as well just say "give us your private details, we no crooks or bad peoples - really".
Then there was the one with the subject line "IM Tiny Baby" - I don;t even want to know what was in that one.
What was your funniest Spam?
(, Thu 23 Oct 2008, 15:57, 1 reply, 16 years ago)
OCDWhat do you get OCD-y about and do you know why?
(, Wed 22 Oct 2008, 20:41, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)
if you had more confidence at the timewhat would you have done differently?
(, Wed 22 Oct 2008, 17:56, Reply)
SnobberyHave we done snobbery yet? As an antidote to the current QOTW. Note that Spoilt Brats are not snobs, just over-priveleged to the point that they are detached from reality.
(
sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 17 Oct 2008, 16:40,
1 reply,
16 years ago)
Zombie Apocalypse??If the world were to be suddenly overrun by an army of the walking dead - how would you keep yourself alive?
(, Thu 16 Oct 2008, 10:04, Reply)
What phrasesor traditions does your family have?
How did they come about?
Do other people think they are strange?
(
Mrs Entity is in hiding., Wed 8 Oct 2008, 23:04,
5 replies,
latest was 16 years ago)
things you might have said, had you had a clear head at the timeeveryone's been in that situation - you're walking away from an argument, incandescent with rage, unable to form a clear thought in your head... two hours later, you're lying in bed and a witty, incisive comment enters your head that puts you on an intellectual height that would allow you to shit on the head of Oscar Wilde.
"two twats don't make a right" is my feeble attempt.
(
nightbuffalo needs more duct tape, Wed 8 Oct 2008, 17:26,
1 reply,
16 years ago)
Creeped out!Have you ever had a parasite? Been driven out of your home by our six legged friends? Bitten by a spider? Hand ants in you pants or mites in you tights?
(
Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Tue 7 Oct 2008, 13:41,
1 reply,
16 years ago)
Dream onLast night I dreamt that I worked in a resturant. A colleague at the resturant rescued a duck destined for the cooking pot by hiding it in the toilet bowl in the gents.
"You fool," I shouted "suppose someone accidently flushes it away!"
and I rushed to the toilet, the duck was safe so I put an Amazonian tree climbing frog into the bowl (becuase EVERYBODY knows that you cant flush a toilet if it has an Amazonian tree frog in it.
"That should keep you safe" I said to the duck.
But sometime later in the evening the frog hopped out of the bowl and my colleague and myself spent all night in the toilets looking for the frog, lest someone flush the duck.
WIERDEST. DREAM. EVER.
Whats your wierdest dream? and can anyone tell me what the fuck my dream meant??
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 10:14, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)
Bettering YourselfIt's true that nobody is perfect. Most people want to improve themselves somehow. I know that I do, but I'm never sure where to start.
If you could give one piece of advice to help someone become a better person, what would it be?
If you've changed yourself, what were you like before, and what did you do, how long did it take?
Stories!
(, Wed 24 Sep 2008, 20:48, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)
Putting poppers in a smoke machineTell us about the time you put poppers in a smoke machine.
(
browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Mon 22 Sep 2008, 16:40,
Reply)
Brawling in PublicMy whole family is a bit hot headed. My Croatian gran, bless her heart, is no exception. She was in a long queue and passing the time talking to the burly 22 year old in front of her. It came out in conversation that the guy was Serbian. Cue my tiny, frail little granny hurling herself at him and trying to punch him in the nose. With no effect whatsoever unless you count everyone else in the store pissing themselves laughing.
What public brawls have you seen/ participated in? Extra points if they were fighting for a really stupid reason.
(, Thu 18 Sep 2008, 17:27, Reply)
Warnings / InstructionsI recently bought some peanuts from Sainsburys.
The warning on it...?
"Warning: Contains nuts"
... Nuff said?
(, Thu 18 Sep 2008, 11:40, Reply)
catching your parents in the glorius act!Oh fucking dear i hear the masses cry, all that therapy has failed to wipe that image from your nonce. you know the one, you wake up in the night and hear noises that are strange and irregular. so your first instinct is to find mummy and daddy. you open the bedroom door and are greeted with the sight of your old man bending your mother over and giving her the beans.
So it's time to tell all and sundry about you or your parents being caught in the act?
(, Wed 17 Sep 2008, 8:26, 1 reply, 16 years ago)
GuiltWhen was the last time you felt reeeeeeeeeeeally guilty? Guilty like the proper Megashit you are?
(, Tue 16 Sep 2008, 23:58, 1 reply, 16 years ago)
Stuff you have done to peoples food 'cause they had pissed you off.When I worked in a nightclub, I done a greeny in a sandwich. Long story, but I found the sarny with the bit I spat in chewed off, and the rest of it strewn on the floor.
I also know someone who works in a restaurant. He had a steak returned because it was under cooked, although he cooked it fine. He rubbed it on his crotch a few time, reheated it then sent it out again.
There must be some corkers out there. Have you stirred your bosses tea with a tampon, have you cum in the cookie doe? I think it would be fun to find out.
(
@RBFesquire Good luck b3ta, was nice knowing you. So long., Tue 16 Sep 2008, 19:04,
1 reply,
16 years ago)
...and they've never let me forget it.Like the first time Mrs G and I went to the beach, not so long after we first got together. She went into the sea and as she emerged, the water plastered her hair to her head, exposing her pixie-like ears, causing me to laugh and point at her saying: "You look like a pixie"
I thought this was quite a nice thing to say. She didn't. And she's never let me forget that 'insult' to her ears.
There's another much more embarassing moment, but I'll save that one.
(, Tue 16 Sep 2008, 13:14, Reply)
Insane lengths you have gone to loose weight or get fit?At the moment i am going attempting to loose weight in order to be able to complete in a triathlon next year. All i eat is fibre and protein and the consequences are off the bowel rupturing Richter scale. They actually open all windows in the gym upon my arrival.
So what insane lengths have you gone to achieve weight loss or fitness.
(, Mon 15 Sep 2008, 10:40, Reply)
Oh, and...In a few weeks I'm starting a new job where I'm going to be working in a £50 million brand new campus managing people and whatnot. I'd like to learn some new office pranks, games and misdemeanours to piss off my new underlings.
(, Wed 10 Sep 2008, 15:32, Reply)
With friends like these..How have you been stitched up/let down/royally buggered by your so called mates?
(
willenium Fist bump for verification, Mon 8 Sep 2008, 8:37,
Reply)
Pretend to be someone elseThis week, you will take on the posting style of a well known QOTW poster and try and pretend to be them.
You can write about anything you want but you must trick people into thinking you're another QOTW regular.
(
mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Thu 4 Sep 2008, 15:57,
Reply)
Party gamesXmas 2006 - playing 'fuzzy duck' with my 80 yr old nan and several members of my family.
Having never heard my nan swear before, and then being treated to the best scouse "DUZZY FUCK!!!" ever, was one of the best xmas surprises ever.
What interesting party game stories can you recollect?
(, Thu 4 Sep 2008, 14:58, Reply)
i once ate a dozen creme eggs on the trot...What's the stupidest amount of food you've eaten?
And what were the conseqeunces?
(, Sun 31 Aug 2008, 12:41, 1 reply, 17 years ago)
"Mark my words, by 1984 every person in the UK will have their own personal hovercraft"Willenium predicted that my last suggestion would make QOTW. Willenium was wrong. What bold predictions have you made, only to watch as events went the other way?
(, Fri 29 Aug 2008, 14:12, Reply)
What should there be a law against?For example:
People who play music loudly from their shitty mobile phones.
People who walk through town on a rainy day with a fucking golf umbrella.
(
Mrs Entity is in hiding., Thu 28 Aug 2008, 16:38,
Reply)
The first time I used a computer.When I was young, I remember playing a simple game in school in which an aeroplane would fly across the top of the screen, and drop a "bomb" which was a letter, if you pressed the letter, the city below was safe. A very simple game designed for five year olds on the BBC Micro (those were the days!)
What was your first experience of using a computer like?
(
Squiggy Alloria makes theme parks., Sun 24 Aug 2008, 20:06,
1 reply,
17 years ago)
diet woesNot just about weight loss, what do you eat too much of? what have you had to live off in terms of deprivation?
When did you eat the best? and what gives the worst shits?
so yeah, food and shit
(
willenium Fist bump for verification, Thu 21 Aug 2008, 17:48,
Reply)
All nightersTell us stories from when you were deprived of sleep for ages.
(
mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Thu 21 Aug 2008, 15:43,
Reply)
Travelling is supposed to be funnot when you've lost your suitcase, all you have is the clothes you stand in, your flight has been cancelled and your running two days late for an important business meeting in Shanghai.
Have you ever experienced a hellish journey?
(, Thu 21 Aug 2008, 13:53, Reply)
Airplane storiesI know we had airport stories some time ago (see some people do check QOTW archive!)
So tell us all about your stories onboard an aircraft. Did you join the mile high club with a hostess? Any nutty passengers screaming for Jesus mid flight? Had some fat stinky mong next to you? Did the plane crash on a desert island?
Tell us your stories of fun in the skies.
(, Tue 19 Aug 2008, 12:23, Reply)
Wrong NumberNot sure if bindun but everyone gets the odd random call from a complete stranger that nearly always concludes in you being left angry and them embarassed.
What experiences have you had with people calling the wrong number?
(, Mon 18 Aug 2008, 11:51, Reply)
Wedding MishapsA few years ago, I was invited to my Indian neighbours wedding reception.
Now, Indian weddings don’t tend to be small, intimate affairs - and this wedding was no different - there must have been a good couple of hundred-plus guests there.
As is the norm, the main focal point of the reception was the meal and the happy couple had pulled out all the stops. When the time came for the top table’s food to be served, a HUGE roasted bird on a silver dish was proudly carried out from the kitchen, held up high by 4 waiters.
Everybody stood and applauded, while the happy couple beamed, in anticipation.
Suddenly, as the dish was being lowered, the bird slid off the plate and landed with a “plop” on the floor. The guests gasped, then room went quiet.
After a few seconds, the kitchen staff composed themselves, scooped the bird up from the floor and quickly ushered themselves back into the kitchen, where the dish was “tended to”.
A few minutes later, the bird made a second (and final) appearance in a much more subdued way.
What’s the worst / funniest wedding experience you have?
Length? About 10 minutes to clean all the fluff off it.
(, Sun 17 Aug 2008, 4:35, Reply)
In honour of spimfHave you ever done anything to your partner that has warranted threats of divorce/ break up? Tell us your stories....
(
Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Sat 16 Aug 2008, 18:01,
Reply)
DisgustRecently, while working overtime in work, I had cause to use the men's room. Unfortunately, it was around 8pm, had been used all day, and the cleaner doesn't come in until 10pm. Thus, it smelled like someone had shat out a wet dog. It was truly revolting.
What's the most disgusting thing you've come across lately? What sickens you to your very core? Share your pain with the internet...
(, Fri 15 Aug 2008, 15:32, Reply)
How about next week's QOTW subject being inspired from the "Suggestions" page?Just a thought, I know it seems like a radical step and all...
(, Tue 12 Aug 2008, 14:10, 3 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
the best stuff your mum threw outwe all love our mums, but we all know that mums can be cunts, throwing out our carefully hoarded crap that we know is going to be worth something one day. what's the best thing your mum has ever thrown out?
and please, not just wank mags.
(
Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Wed 6 Aug 2008, 17:01,
2 replies,
latest was 17 years ago)
Polite or subtle insultsOnce when staying at a campsite, we lived off the food that was cooked by the cooks. We all thought the food was absolute shit but put up with it. One night, we went to a different place for food. When asked by the campsite people what we thought of the other place, one of us said, "We liked the food".
Have you ever said something that was meant as an insult or criticism that you said in a polite or subtle way? Or have you said something like that without realising it's potential to insult?
(
mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Sat 2 Aug 2008, 16:54,
Reply)
First girlfriendWas it a lovely young unexperienced romantic bliss in early teens or did you end up with somebody who would have looked the place in the times of spartacus
Tell us your stories of first love
(, Tue 29 Jul 2008, 15:42, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
Selling your nanFor purely selfish reasons I want a QOTW about money making schemes - I've reached the bottom of 2 overdrafts and am short by £600 which I need in order to move house in a month's time, the day after I finish my MA course and the day before I start work. Not good timing.
(, Tue 29 Jul 2008, 2:11, Reply)
Alternatively...My favourite pencil.
(
Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Mon 21 Jul 2008, 20:50,
Reply)
Living a movie clicheWhen have you
- Found yourself having to have two dinners at once, possibly dressed as a Scottish nanny for one of them
- Been unable to get a word in edgeways apart from "but..." for 30 bloody minutes solid leading to some awful scenario you knew was coming but weren't allowed to avoid.
- Travelled through time and space in a telephone booth collecting notable figures from history. That old plot line... again!
or not.
(
RocketSurgeon is pretending he's still young, Sat 19 Jul 2008, 19:21,
Reply)
Things you have built all by yourselfGarden Sheds, Brick BBQ's, match stick canoe, tree houses, fires. let your imagination run like a wilderbeast...
(, Fri 18 Jul 2008, 13:13, 1 reply, 17 years ago)
We've had the favourite books questionand I got a lot of good reading out of it. still have a list to work my way through.
how about one for music. maybe a song that has particular meaning? or just the album you think is the best one ever that everyone should own?
or the obscure band that no one but you and your brother have heard of?
(
Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 17 Jul 2008, 10:36,
1 reply,
17 years ago)
Pointless experimentsDuring a boring day spent indoors (due to lack of money), I kept my eyes closed for 20 mins and tried to find my way around the kitchen, to see what it was like being blind. As a follow up, I watched TV with the sound off to experience life as a deaf person.
I concluded I would much rather be deaf - I managed to smack my knee off 2 seperate kitchen cupboards while blind, whereas TV with no sound is a great time-waster. You can come up with your own plots (and, if your watching daytime TV, you're guaranteed to come up with something more interesting)
What pointless experiments have other B3tans carried out? What was the outcome?
(, Wed 16 Jul 2008, 14:52, 1 reply, 17 years ago)
Dorks that I beat up in high schoolWoodside Industries inspired me: what has become of the dorks you used to beat up in high school?
If this guy, Woodside Industries, wasn’t beaten on consistently in high school (or whatever you call it) he sure as hell deserved it.
What dorks did you beat up and what kind of minging arseholes are they today?
(
Citadel Because the world needs less morons, Tue 15 Jul 2008, 21:59,
4 replies,
latest was 17 years ago)
Amazing DiscoveriesMine would be (among other things, obviously) discovering that I can access b3ta on my phone. Got me through the first few days of work experience, that did, until I found out it was bleeding me dry...
But anyway, tell us your amazing discoveries :)
(, Fri 11 Jul 2008, 19:06, Reply)
Sadistic Celebrity Quiz ShowsHow about your ideas for filling in the Saturday evening prime time slot? However, these shows must be catered towards ridding the world of crappy celebrities.
Here is my idea:
Celebrity Catapult.
Fronted by Dale Winton, it features two teams of confused old age pensioners guessing how far a medieval catapult will throw a celeb. Voice-over guy will introduce each celeb and give their weight and a few reasons why they are 'famous'. The celebs are then hurlded by the catapult and the team with the closest guess wins. As an added cuteness value (and to cover H&S) the first aid will be provided by different cub scout groups per episode.
(, Mon 7 Jul 2008, 11:52, 3 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
RIS?For several years, despite a) being male and b) absolutely loving footy, I didn't have the faintest idea how the offside rule worked. Don't know why, but I seem to recollect thinking you had to face the other way while 1 on 1 with the goalie. I also thought a 'hat-trick' just meant a very good goal.
What ridiculously simple thing did you completely misunderstand, or just not understand at all?
(, Thu 3 Jul 2008, 19:59, Reply)
How nerdy are you?I work in my student union - on a Friday night they have a room which plays all the cheesy music that you sway to with your mates when you're off your face.
I wandered in when the DJ was warming up, and he popped Rick Astley on. My immediate thought was "Heheheh, rickrolled."
How nerdy are you?
(, Sat 28 Jun 2008, 2:29, 1 reply, 17 years ago)
The point at which you lost all respect for someoneI know that for yearsofpractice it was when the future previous Mrs yearsofpractice confused Hulk Hogan with Terry Wogan.
Mine was when Ben "Fatchers Britain" Elton wrote a musical with Tim Rice.
We've all been there - put someone on a pedastal and watch them drop a monster turd.
(, Fri 27 Jun 2008, 14:37, 1 reply, 17 years ago)
extreme discombobulationi still shudder at this
me and mrs spimf and i were at my mums, we had enjoyed our evening and had a few drinks. Mrs spimf was becoming frisky and wanted to get home - she was whispering things she intended to do to me and generally being a bit filthy. :)
As i was bidding my mum goodbye i was also holding on to mrs spimf (by her left buttock actually) in a moment of extreme discombobulation i tried to kiss my mum goodbye
i will never forget the look of confusion on my mums face as she said..
"why did you just stick your tongue in my ear son"
when did you last get seriously muddled and what was the outcome?
(
spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Sun 22 Jun 2008, 20:22,
2 replies,
latest was 17 years ago)
Minor brushes with celebrityI once met Bob Hoskins' dad.
He made me a cup of tea.
Beat that.
(, Sun 22 Jun 2008, 16:45, 6 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
how about telephone mishaps...Has this been done before?
(, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 15:59, 1 reply, 17 years ago)
I suggest you post a QOTW...before I REALLY kick off
(
Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 15:38,
17 replies,
latest was 17 years ago)
.....and then it all kicked off,What innocent or not so innocent things have you done that have nearly caused world war 3.
(
Trollman, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 14:48,
Reply)
Divine ownageI have been on the recieving and giving end of plenty of ownage. Why not post stories of when you've divinely owned someone, or got owned yourself?
PS
Nicol33ta wanted me to write cock instead of ownage the dirty minded individual
PPS
It was my idea XD
(, Wed 18 Jun 2008, 12:05, 1 reply, 17 years ago)
Unaccustomed as I am...............Went to my Mam's 70th birthday bash on saturday. She'd asked me to say a few words and I was absolutely crapping myself. I don't know what it is about public speaking but it really scares me and I turn into a tongue tied witless stuttermonster.
Anyway, aside from dealing with a halfwit heckler (who I couldn't put down properly cos mam's vicar friend was there), a few words were indeed said (I winged it too). It went off well and apparently a few tears were shed (Eeee that was lovely etc.). Mam came to see me yesterday and said she was really impressed and it was a lovely few words. But really I needn't have gone to all the trouble cos all she wanted was for me to thank people for coming and mention the collection for the hospice.
Now she tells me.
Anyone else got tales of public speaking nightmares, howlers or just plain insanity?
(, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 13:40, Reply)
Things I almost got away withSo close, so close. What have you *nearly* got away with, and what scuppered your plans?
(
Amish Information Systems hates misplaced, commas, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 16:34,
Reply)
hiding under the duvet with her dad in the roomAs you can read in my post 'toff popic' I once very nearly got caught in a 17 year old, one night stands bed, by her father. Only her quick thinking only saved me from a certain and severe kicking - she said that the second ‘person’ in the bed, cowering under the duvet, was 'her mate Tracey' who had got hammered the night before.
I still shudder to think of the consequences.
What’s the most dangerous situation your libido has put you in?
(
spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 17:05,
Reply)
How did you survive the Great B3ta Fire?Did you devolve down to a sub-human (if that is even possible) state and start to worship things lying on your desk?
Did you go to other websites and revel in their mindless trinkets?
Or did you actually do the work that 'The Man' had been paying you for?
How did you cope, tell us your survival story.
(, Thu 5 Jun 2008, 9:46, Reply)
OwnageEver been owned in a spectacular way? Ever owned someone? Ever seen ownage? Post your stories.
Woo, first post.
(, Sat 31 May 2008, 22:33, Reply)
What have you broken recently?Last night, I went downstairs for a midnight snack. The lights out, I strolled through the lounge, casually picking up my hair brush which, through the power of several beers drunk and me being a bloke (after all, what fella (or lass for that matter) doesn't secretly want to be a ninja. Or a pirate), became an awesome ninja sword in my hands.
Stealthily I crept into the kitchen, holding my ninja brush high, and swung at an imaginary assailant whilst making bruce lee noises. Wai Yah! Crash! Bang! Tinkle!
Verily, I had smited the door frame with my awesome ninja skills, the hair brush had broken in two and the spiky bit had richocheted off the door frame, flown into the kitchen at a million miles an hour, and smashed a pint glass, before disappearing from view (Obviously a real ninja hair brush)
Whoops. I pissed myself laughing though, while hoping my neighbours hadn't heard my nocturnal bruce lee\burglar breaking into a house sound-a-like impression.
(
LemonEntryMyDearWatson This time, Moriarty, the hand is on the other foot, Thu 29 May 2008, 11:47,
Reply)
Completely make up and untrue story about yourself(some would argue this is done most weeks, but meh!)
(
lordsaccharine b3taing is well retro mate, Sat 24 May 2008, 12:20,
2 replies,
latest was 17 years ago)
Arkward...Like many people I've had (at least) my share of arkward moments with people, so I want you to share your pain with me.
What is the most arkward or embarrasing scenario you have ever witnessed, endured or heard of?
I'm talking proper wanting to die, horrible, horrible moments here ok. Nobody write about bumping into their ex in tesco or telling a joke at work where nobody laughs, you get the picture.
Don't dissappiont me peeps!
(, Sat 24 May 2008, 0:58, 1 reply, 17 years ago)
Peados!Looking back on your childhood do you ever remember a certain person such as a P.E teacher or cub scout leader and think "Fuck me, he was a giant peado!"
Anecdotes pleease
(, Sat 24 May 2008, 0:50, Reply)
Useless talentslike an 'Anti-Ray Mears' QOTW - talents you have that have no use or point to them
I can teach young children how to memorize a pack of cards (e.g my nephew is into Harry Potter, so I just assign an easily remembered character or symbol to each card to create a story divided into a few chapters - bingo!)
I also taught the dog to play poker - he'd be pretty good at it too if he didn't wag his tail every time he had a good hand
(, Tue 20 May 2008, 12:05, 1 reply, 17 years ago)
What is the most pointless investment you've ever made?Everyone has a useless kitchen gadget, or a jacket they never wear. My brother went one better; he bought his family a lifetime membership to the National Trust; now, on every holiday, they have to try and justify it by finding a National Trust property to plod around in the rain while the kids whine that they'd rather be on the beach, and his wife pointedly remarks on all the other things they could have spent one and a half grand on. What is the most pointless thing you have been conned into buying?
(
Peregr1n @peregr1n, Mon 19 May 2008, 21:03,
Reply)
Piss storiesSo far we've had two QOTWs about our number twos, so it's about time we had one QOTW about our number ones.
(
mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Sat 17 May 2008, 17:11,
Reply)
Watching StrangersAlright folks, what about when you're in public and you see strange little stories unfold in front of you with complete strangers? It could be domestic abuse, drug dealings, internet meets, escort meets, ebay meets, easy pulls, drunken antics, lost wedding ring. Ok you get the picture, any old trash you can't take your busybody eyes away from! Personally I always wonder if any1 seen me when a bloke from sierra leone approached me in Bangkok with regards to smuggling items. Surely it's possible people presumed I was getting propositioned to partake in illegal activities?
(, Sat 10 May 2008, 15:09, Reply)
What do you want to do before you dieWhat is the the one big thing you'd like to do before you die? For me it's conducting the Vienna Symphony Orchestra in Mahler's 5th symphony. Or possible shagging Jeri Ryan. Tough one.
(, Fri 9 May 2008, 9:56, 1 reply, 17 years ago)
I used to know a guy with LOVE amateurly tattooed across his left knucklesApparently, he didn't tattoo HATE on the other knuckles because he was right-handed and only realised at that point that he couldn't finish the job.
Have you ever started something you couldn't finish?
Tell us about the hilarious consequences.
(
finnbar has officially retired, Thu 8 May 2008, 22:09,
Reply)
Things you have done that have made you look like a complete and utter idiotApologies if this has already been done - I am having a day of it!
I just cried down the phone at my boyfriend as I am having a stressful day and my speakers stopped working, and it was the last straw. I had a moment of clarity during my sobbing however - I hadn't turned my speakers on.
What things have you done to make you look like you really have no brain at all?
(, Wed 7 May 2008, 15:45, Reply)
Sellotape storiesShare your amusing adhesive tape stories on b3ta. It might be a long and cathartic tale about that first roll of Duck Tape you ever bought from the local hardware store and the adventures you went through together, or it could be a witty one liner about novel uses for electrical tape.
Why do I have a horrible feeling this will be taken seriously as a QOTW subject real soon?
(, Thu 1 May 2008, 16:17, 1 reply, 17 years ago)
The book of mischiefIm sure as teens, most of us have come across this glorious book.
I did.
And I managed to blow up my parents oven and total a car because of it
If this gets posted I will tell the story
(
KISS.ME.WHERE.I.POO Signed the sex offenders register on, Thu 1 May 2008, 13:15,
1 reply,
17 years ago)
Taxi DriverI just spent twenty minutes listening to a Taxi Driver who had almost the exact same political stance as Hitler.
But it was alright
As he ended each deeply racist comment with "but im not racist"
Have you had any odd experiences ina taxi
(
KISS.ME.WHERE.I.POO Signed the sex offenders register on, Thu 1 May 2008, 13:12,
2 replies,
latest was 17 years ago)
schooldaysbest days of your life, or do you thank god daily that you never need to go back?
what were your highlights and lowlights of school?
(possibly been done in weird kid in school qotw)
(
ascorbate, Thu 1 May 2008, 11:46,
Reply)
Slapstick MomentsEver accidentally dropped a drink over someone's head?
Ever tripped, fallen down some stairs, rolled into a road and got hit by a car?
When I was young unstubbledchin I was having trouble working out how to operate a squirty cream bottle. When I did manage to hit the button right I was not looking where I was aiming and literally covered one of my Aunts chests in cream. She looked like she'd been doing something very rude with a horny elephant.
What situations have you been in where if you had a camcorder, you might have been £250 richer?
(, Thu 1 May 2008, 10:41, Reply)
Geek appeal.I play the drums. It can be quite a studious, technical thing to do. Talk between drummers seems to be dominated by discussions on speed, technique, obscure time signatures and lots and lots of equipment debates. Yet whenever I play live or even mention it in conversation, I've noticed it seems to fascinate women.
What peculiar fixations do you have, which you find people are surprisingly attracted to?
Or, what geeky pastime do you find unaccountably appealing in members of the opposite (or same) sex?
(
sanityclause is waiting until, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 23:07,
1 reply,
17 years ago)
Things I really should get around to doingThe sink is full of washing up
I have only a few pairs of clean socks left
My car needs an oil change
I have 646 spam messages in my gmail
My room is a tip
the ashtrays are overflowing
My houseplant is dead
My papers are all filed under 'F' for floor
The shelf I brought In 2006 to store my computer stuff is still in pieces at the bottom of my wardrobe
What have you promised yourself you will "get around to doing?"
(
willenium Fist bump for verification, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 13:08,
1 reply,
17 years ago)
Stuff you are banned from sayingMy husband hates me using the phrase "jam-rags" to describe ladies sanitary towels. What words or phrases make you unpopular?
(, Sun 20 Apr 2008, 18:20, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
I'm Sorry!I once walked 4 miles in the rain in high heels just to apologise to my boyfriend because I slept through his birthday. How far have you gone to make it up to your partner?
Bindun?
(, Wed 16 Apr 2008, 20:40, Reply)
BOO!I would like to hear tales about people hiding behind or under things and jumping out to scare an unsuspecting victim.
This was inspired by me hiding around the break room's entrance and scaring a girly coworker... she folded her arms in and squealed like an epileptic spaz trying to recreate the "I Feel Like Chicken Tonight" dance.
(, Tue 15 Apr 2008, 3:10, 1 reply, 17 years ago)
DreamsWhat's the weirdest dream you've had recently? Do you enjoy your dreams, or are you plagued by nightmares of dying, loosing your internet connection or zombies. Or even loosing your internet connection because that zombie chomping on your neck chewed through the phone line first?
(, Sun 13 Apr 2008, 13:13, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)
What OCD do you have?I know someone who spends 15 minutes washing his hands every time he goes for a slash. I don't know, maybe he doesn't apply the same rule to his ding-a-ling.
May have been done.
(, Fri 11 Apr 2008, 14:58, Reply)
nervesmay have bindun already, but how about 'most nervous you have ever been'
i'm about to go into my phd viva (exam) and have been unable to eat for a few days, and haven't slept through the night for 3 weeks. i think i'm going to vomit too.
when have you been the most nervous, why, and how did you cope with it?
I'm coping by checking QOTW on b3ta, which is probably not the healthiest coping mechanism.
(
ascorbate, Wed 9 Apr 2008, 11:04,
1 reply,
17 years ago)
What don't you get?Me, I never 'got' South Park and I had to tollerate two house mate who would do silly voices, say quotes and generally find opportunities to shout 'You Bastards!' before giggling to themselves.
Why I never got it I don't know. Loads of people loved that show, not me.
Why?
(
JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 2 Apr 2008, 20:38,
4 replies,
latest was 17 years ago)
Things you (or someone) only realised many years laterAt school, there was this kid called ****** Kerr. His friends had given him the nickname Juan. ****** assumed it was because he looked Spanish. It was only several years later when thinking about his schooldays that he cottoned on. Tell us your stories about late realisations.
(
mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Tue 1 Apr 2008, 22:27,
Reply)
Does iggy pop own any clothing for the top half of his body?(
Gerbilinafishtank Gerbil in a fish tank...TURTLE POWER!, Mon 31 Mar 2008, 12:57,
2 replies,
latest was 17 years ago)
How much company money have you wasted or rescued?I recently realised that I had approved a payment that had already been cleared. The additional cost was £60,000 but I rectified my mistake before the accounting department noticed.
£60,000 is nothing - how high can you go?
(
SnackyOx Who? What? Whang?, Sat 29 Mar 2008, 21:14,
1 reply,
17 years ago)
Yoda saysYoda says, "Do or do not. There is no try.", but Yoda was a wise old Jedi with a talent for pithy sayings and kicking ass. The rest of us usually struggle merely to try - I know I do.
What would you do if you had no fear? What would you try?
(, Fri 28 Mar 2008, 10:18, Reply)
PylonsAnyone have any funny stories about Pylons, like smoking a pylon or pooing on one ?
(, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 16:13, Reply)
Question of the Week suggestions Part 2Each week we used to ask a different question. The idea is to generate material that's:
* interesting to read, i.e. we won't get bored of reading the answers after about 10 of them
* not been asked on this site before
* fun to answer
What would you like to ask? (We've left this question open - so feel free to drop in ideas anytime.)
(
Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Thu 27 Mar 2008, 15:59,
Reply)
Creative writingAbout the most mundane day-to-day tasks. I just wrote about eating a cadbury's creme egg.
(, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 15:26, Reply)
The music that changed your life.Did you bond with the love of your life over the most weird and wonderful band you love? A band that made you want to start a band and now you're rich and famous? Gone deaf after hearing Hard Fi? etc.
(, Thu 27 Mar 2008, 12:57, Reply)
what's the stupidest/grossest thing you've ever eaten?When I was a teenager I read Gerald Durrell's autobiography about growing up on Corfu. He mentioned how he used to munch on live shrimps, and I thought I'd give it a go... I caught a prawn and gave it my best shot. It was like eating a wriggling salty rawl plug filled with cat food.
Oh, and of course as I didn't live in 1930's Corfu, but rather 1990's Devon I got rather nasty food poisoning. My Mum felt guilty for ages, and I never dared tell her what really caused it!!
(, Wed 26 Mar 2008, 14:09, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
Holiday Tummy?Post your hilarious tales of poo-related misfortune, making them even funnier with details of foreign toilets and gastro-intestinal disorders.
(
MisterPunch did it that way on, Sat 22 Mar 2008, 17:45,
Reply)
do you have to keep your parents away from technology?for years my mum has 'tidied away' my expensive possesions(MP3 player, laptop camcorder) without realising these things might require a bit of care when handling anything with cables or important electonicy bits. Do your parents jump at your PC without realising the damage they could do?
(, Fri 21 Mar 2008, 1:00, 1 reply, 17 years ago)
Employee ReviewsThese always suck and are probably a great source of interesting stories - especially peer reviews and the dreader review meeting.
(, Thu 20 Mar 2008, 14:43, Reply)
Birthdays...are a lovely occasion for everyone... in fact mine is on wednesday (the 19th) so in my honour why dont we all share the momories of our worst ever birthdays.
(, Mon 17 Mar 2008, 14:39, 1 reply, 17 years ago)
Petty IrritationsI get seriously wound up by the Council deciding that the best way to advertise double yellow lines on the road is to paint stripes on the pavement as well.
I know its petty, I know no one is getting hurt, but it makes me want to scream with rage every time I see it.
So, I'd like you to ask, 'What inconsequential things irritate B3tans'?
(, Sat 15 Mar 2008, 14:56, Reply)
I keep myself occupied by...Despite spending at least 80% of my working day on a computer, my access to the interweb is generally limited to any sites deemed "work related".
I therefore have to resort to other methods of entertaining myself on long, boring shifts.
As a result of this one of my work stations holds a vast catalogue of portraits that I've drawn of all my colleagues with the aid of 'Paint', and my gay workmate and I have developed a system whereby I call him on his cordless phone whenever a man walks past my desk in the direction of his department so that we can grade his looks on a scale of 1-10.
What daft things do you do to while away the hours at work?
(, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 22:18, Reply)
Switching sex codesIf you swapped sexual orientation what celeb would you boink?? i reckon i'd go for dave grohl if i swapped to teh gay - oof! greedy bi-sexers need not reply....
(
sir loafalot ended an eon of lurking on, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 13:59,
Reply)
short story showcasesince most posts seem to be considered pure fiction on /reply why not just go ahead and show off our creative writing skills. for the sake of argument the must be at least one CDC/kitten reference per post.
blah blah blah length blah blah
(
willenium Fist bump for verification, Wed 12 Mar 2008, 19:30,
1 reply,
17 years ago)
Things you wouldn't normally tell people...For instance I am probably a paranoid delusional that believes that a faked alien invasion is coming, it being the precursor to a shift in the global power struggles, a stepping stone for the new world order if you will... Whilst anybody who opposes the global regime will be incarcerated in secret prisons and d.u.m.b.s (google it).
It will all be done with holograms and satellites and secret technology and stuff.
Surely you have your own opinions about the fate of mankind?
(, Wed 12 Mar 2008, 14:41, Reply)
Where are they now?Reading some of the really old QOTW's I noticed that some persons who used to be regulars haven't posted in years.
Does anyone know where they are now? or for that matter have you ever run into someone from your past in an unexpected place?
(
willenium Fist bump for verification, Sat 8 Mar 2008, 21:16,
Reply)
What is the hardest question.....you've had to ask / answer.
"This one" is for cunts.
(
The Lurker Plenty One, Thu 6 Mar 2008, 10:28,
Reply)
Awkward conversationsOn one QOTW I read about a guy's father who had an achingly painful conversation with him about the location of the clitoris.
And he was wrong.
I want to hear about your awkward conversations!
(, Fri 29 Feb 2008, 23:53, Reply)
"They won't stay in business very long"I bought a shiny new PC, reinstalled my wireless connection and the damn thing suddenly had a shocking signal strength.
After a while (six weeks!) I realised I was using somebody else's connection and connected to my own password-protected one.
Being a good neighbour I hunted around to see whose connection I had been leeching and to warn them.
I came to the last house house I thought it could be.
In the driveway was a big van with the advertising on the side saying "XXXXXX Solutions for all your computer needs".
"Web Design"
"Office systems
"Internet Security"
He worked from home.
His wireless connection had no password.
(
Flowerpot No longer has the vapours thanks to DTH, Fri 29 Feb 2008, 16:44,
Reply)
CrueltyMy brother and I never got on as kids. We played together now and then because my sister was too old, but we argued. A lot. So I once told him that he was adopted and that we didn't like him. He believed it for a few months too.
What's the cruelest thing you've ever done to someone?
(, Mon 25 Feb 2008, 9:15, Reply)
Opps your not who I think you are, and I'm talking to a complete strangerHave you ever done that utmost of embarrassing thing of seeing someone, start talking to them then all of a sudden realise its not who you thought it was?
I was once out with my brother and we went to the local nudges Arcade). He fucked off to play mortal combat, so I wasted money on the Simpons fruit machine. After about 3 goes I on the Jack pot, probably a tenner? Any way I ran off to find my brother who sure enough was playing Mortal combat, I jumped on his back and shouted ''Golden pennies!'' on jumping down I turned to see my brother playing Street fighter 2 across the way, this bloke who ever he was playing MK had the same coat on as my brother, as he turned round I shouted ''golden pennies'' again and ran...ran like a fucking spider zoid!
On the recieving end... A mate and my self were sat in his loverly white escort in a large car park (nice) waiting for another friend. When the back door opened and some old woman starts slinging in her shopping and saying what a nightmare the tills were, she then gets in and sits down, and then looks at me and my mate, we turned stunned looking at her... I could see the thoughts running through her head ''my god these young ruffians have killed my husband and are stealing my car!'' At which point she could see our expression of ''What the fuck are you doing in the back of our car woman'' See then turns to see her car about 3 spaces away (another white escort) with her husband sat in it reading a newspaper. We started pissing our selves laughing she removed her shopping supper quick and ran to her car exremley red in the face.
This happend to any one else?
(, Thu 14 Feb 2008, 14:41, Reply)
Stag / Hen Night ShenanigansMosre than probabaly been done, but I'm a N00b so what the hell. Any hilarious/ tragic/ bizarre delete as applicable tales?
(
Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 13:08,
Reply)
some QOTW I'd like to see1. unreal out of the ordinary experiences (surreal/ Bizarre/ paranormal)
2. fictional self penned Porno stories
3. stranded
4. biggest regrets/ what could have been
(, Thu 7 Feb 2008, 12:42, Reply)
knock down ginger!i heard this on the radio today - they were discussing the various names for it; for the unfamiliar it's the game you must have played as a kid where you knocked on a door and ran off leaving the door opener to an empty threshold... if you didn't play it then shame on you!
fecking hell - i just asked lady loaf and they "didn't call it anything" up north?!?! *snorts in derision*
(
sir loafalot ended an eon of lurking on, Wed 6 Feb 2008, 17:48,
4 replies,
latest was 17 years ago)
regional wordsfollowing on from the nintendo ds not recognising dopey northerners....
i married a dopey northerner - she calls an alleyway a "ten-foot" or a snicket; calls an off licence (or offie) a "beer-off"; a woodlouse a pig (WTF?) and i had never heard the word mardy til i met her.... it certainly increased my enjoyment of those cheeky arctic's and their "mardy bum" song
i listen to the arctic monkeys you know - i'm dead cool!
what other regional terms do people use??
(
sir loafalot ended an eon of lurking on, Wed 6 Feb 2008, 17:46,
3 replies,
latest was 17 years ago)
Telephone warsWell ive just spent 3.5 hrs on the line to BT after battling my way thru there autoshit system i get hung up on twice and so have to sit thru the ques again and one retard on the end of the phone replied to my problem as 'oo thats a bit weird' i finally gave up and complained.
Whats the worst company youve ever had to deal with? Whose telephones are answered by spotty masturbating 16 yr olds or foreigners reading from script? Tell me your horror stories so i dont feel singled out.
(, Tue 5 Feb 2008, 13:41, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
What about ??The best bus nutter? every single bus route has its own nutter, the strangely dresed weirdo who smells of cabbages and tells you strange things..... whats the best bus nutter story you've got?
(, Sun 27 Jan 2008, 18:10, 1 reply, 17 years ago)
Guilty PleasuresSecretly fancy that chick from Hanson? Practice dropping bombs in the mirror like your man Westwood? Daily Mail reader? We all have a guilty pleasure, what's yours?
(, Fri 25 Jan 2008, 9:57, Reply)
Post really fucking obvious and tired old jokesregardless of what the actual gist of the compo
please just resort to the same old tired clichés, so that the majority of the board will want to claw their own eyes out in frustration.
(
mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Wed 23 Jan 2008, 22:03,
Reply)
What's the strangest thing you have done to yourself?delibrately or accident
I once superglued my eye shut..oh good times
(, Tue 22 Jan 2008, 22:07, Reply)
Random pub commentsHas anyone collared you in a pub and given you the strangest insight into their twisted take on reality? Especially when you don't know them or are desperately trying to get away?
Those who went to the Todmorden soiree will know here I'm coming from with this idea!
(, Sun 20 Jan 2008, 10:58, Reply)
Things you wish you'd never saidWe've all done it: blurted something out without thinking about it, and wished for the ground to swallow us up.
What have you said/done that you wish you could take back?
(, Thu 17 Jan 2008, 10:36, 5 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
Experiments gone wrongoriginally I was thinking of you're own little chemistry set but upon reflection it could be any kind of experiment (including sexperimentation? at a risk of attracting the strange type to this site... oh.)
Anyone posting "Marrying" will be sentenced to life imprisonment.
(
morrybyte made a subtle namechange at, Tue 15 Jan 2008, 0:42,
1 reply,
17 years ago)
Hillarious illness...This weekend I have unfortunately been struck down with the norovirus which has resulted in the often simulataneous act of blowing chunks whilst producing masses of bum-sick.
Its terrifying, smelly, painful & noisy... but somehow hillarious.
What amusing ailments & god awful states have you found yourselves in that you just can't help but laugh about?
(
the dalai farmer always likes tea, but especially on, Sat 12 Jan 2008, 22:12,
1 reply,
17 years ago)
inexplicably remembered!i can sing the theme tune to hamwich by bernard matthews and know that whitechapel car auction's number used to be 677 1422 - purely because of grim 80's radio advertising. what's your brain filled with for no good reason??
altho the lyrics to the hamwich were legendary - i'll show my boobs to anyone who can recall them all.....
(
sir loafalot ended an eon of lurking on, Fri 11 Jan 2008, 19:35,
Reply)
funeral musici went to a funeral today and it got me thinking about the fragility of mortality and my own funeral...
the lady today went out to tom jones "it's not unusual"; my nan went out to kool and the gang "celebrate"... i have demanded to go out to the benny hill theme tune and insist on ushers etc walking backwards and forwards a couple of times in fast motion before they bow before the coffin
what tune would you go out to?
(
sir loafalot ended an eon of lurking on, Fri 11 Jan 2008, 18:53,
2 replies,
latest was 17 years ago)
random conversationsWhat is the most random thing you have discussed in a serious manner?
yesterday we pondered over if you were in a fire and your eyelids burnt off could they be replaced with bits of foreskin?
(, Fri 11 Jan 2008, 7:51, Reply)
PrideWhat has been your proudest moment in your life?
Or when have you fallen flat on your arse and your pride has taken a serious kicking?
Once after I my wife left me and I was really hard up I tried to pay for £5 worth of petrol with change and was 20p short, everything had sort of built up, this was the final straw and I stood at the counter and cried openly.
(, Mon 7 Jan 2008, 11:49, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
In honour of the new yearHow about "worst hangovers ever"?
I had one so bad I ended up in hospital.
(
Queen of Cheesecake, Wed 2 Jan 2008, 16:18,
Reply)
Embarrassing moments at gigsOf course, embarrassing moments happen everywhere, why gigs particularly? Well, due to the nature of music, many gigs are ridiculously "scene", with people trying much too hard to impress, and as such fall from graces are generally more spectacular. Factor in large amounts of witnesses, and indiscriminate drinking/drug use, and you have a recipe for much carnage.
Take a couple of examples:
I was once at a NOFX gig, being the little punky ska kid I still am today. For those that may not know, NOFX are a punk band, not MASSIVELY hardcore, but more underground than someone like Blink 182 say. By any stretch, far too punk to do a kind of "I love you" mime to - involving pointing at my chest, drawing a heart in the air, then pointing at them. Now, I am a tall guy, generally head and shoulders above in any crowd. I KNOW the lead singer saw me. I was SURE he was gonna say something. I died a little inside. He kinda sneered, then played the next song. Thankyou Fat Mike, for not shaming me.
Another time I was at a [spunge] gig, partaking in a bit of crowd surfing. As such, I made it onto the stage, the crowd went right up to it, no barriers. Other people were then diving off, back into the mix - but as I said, I'm fairly tall, and didn't fancy hurting anyone with my flailing limbs. Now, the [spunge] guys seemed like decent sorts, so I chanced my arm at joining the guitarist in a spot of backups. He seemed a bit peeved, even more when my shirt sleeve caught in his headstock. I would wager he was even more peeved when I pushed for that elusive note too hard, retched over the mic, and got a bit of sick dribble on it. I didn't stay to find out to be honest.
(, Sat 29 Dec 2007, 21:32, 1 reply, 17 years ago)
"A new slogan for b3ta"I think "We love the web" is a little dated, maybe we should come up with something better
I'll start
"B3ta.com - at least it's not 4chan.org"
(
SickRik float like a camembert sting like a brie, Fri 28 Dec 2007, 14:39,
Reply)
Pardon?There are times when we mishear our friends, and those times often lead to embarrasing situations. Once, a mate asked me to get her two WKDs, and I ended up mishearing her and getting two double JDs. Needless to say, I had to drink both of them and felt quite odd for the rest of the night. I was only 15 at the time.
When have deaf ears fell upon you?
(, Thu 20 Dec 2007, 12:48, 1 reply, 17 years ago)
Pointless stupidityOnce when i was younger my grandparents lived in one of those old houses with the mahoosive banisters... i used to spend countless hours piling cushions at the bottom and sliding down them squealing with glee...
Until the fateful day i lost my balance, fell off backwards and broke my arm...
Now this is probably not that unusual or stupid, and you may be asking "what the hell is the point of this story?"
Well, the next day, after having a nice plaster cast added to my arm, i decided that as i was bored it would be a great idea to slide down the banister again...
and promptly repeated the accident of the day before and broke the other arm...
Whats the dumbest thing you've ever done?
(, Thu 13 Dec 2007, 13:50, Reply)
Shitt's MiscellanyEvery year, my brother gives me a Shott's miscellany for Christmas. I hate them - they're books for people who don't like books, a dull person's idea of interesting, and - worst - conflate knowledge with education.
If you could be the anti-Shott, what lies would you put in the miscellany? Deeply absurd or very subtle both win points.
(
Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 13 Dec 2007, 11:18,
Reply)
my cristmas nightmare...Revisited (2007 remix)you have to ask this ...its tradtion
(
willenium Fist bump for verification, Wed 12 Dec 2007, 13:25,
Reply)
The horror, the horrorI've just made a spreadsheet, to itemise my Christmas gifts. It has coloured tabs. It has formulae. I'm so fucking embarrassed at the geekiness of it.
In what ways are you horrendously geeky? How do other people react?
(, Fri 7 Dec 2007, 21:21, 4 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
Petty reasons to dump someone.I once dumped a girl soley because she said her favourite Buffy The Vampire Slayer character was Riley Finn. Seriously, that was pretty much the only reason.
What petty reasons have you guys dumped someone over?
This is my first ever post up here, please be nice to me :)
(, Sun 2 Dec 2007, 2:01, 3 replies, latest was 17 years ago)
Food you won't eat as an adultAs a wee-er Witch I was regularly force-fed (and I mean force-fed) stew. Not exactly beaten with a hot poker, I know, but at the time I dreaded coming home from school on a Tuesday. Something about the big chunks of meat combined with the soggy onion and runny gravy (my mum treated Bisto like it was worth it's weight in gold). It made me want to heave (I know, pathetic).
I left home nearly 20 years ago but can proudly say I've never eaten stew since. Not even disguised as "goulash". Childish but hey, I take my victories where I can!
So what did your parents slap down in front of you with the dreaded words "You'll sit there til you eat the lot"? And do you avoid it to this day? Or are you a parent now inflicting good healthy food on reluctant kids and gritting your teeth when your mum smiles smugly and says "What goes around comes around"?
(, Tue 27 Nov 2007, 20:42, Reply)
Yet to grow up......this weekend I spent with the parents, not something that happens very often, much as I love them.
Having not seen my girlfriend for a while, I was in the bathroom thwapping away to the colour supplement (that's the magazine that comes with the Sunday papers, not a Dulux chart) when I hear my stepfather in the nearby kitchen.
At that point, I realised that I was now in my forties and it was still as if the last nearly 30 years since my love affair with my right hand started hadn't happened. I have obviously - in many other ways as well - yet to grow up.
What things do you do / think that make you feel that despite physical evidence to the contrary, you have yet to grow up ?
(
I_Was_Mordred, Mon 26 Nov 2007, 18:51,
Reply)
Who's The Biggest Cunt You've Come AcrossApart from Prince.
Cheers
(
Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 8:57,
Reply)
CelebsThey are so fkin amazing arn't they ? They are always in Hello magazine looking perfect and wonderful and it must be great being one.
Still, I've heard that occasionally celebs have been known to make complete and utter wankers of themselves in front of the public.
Anyone have any examples ?
(, Wed 7 Nov 2007, 1:43, 1 reply, 17 years ago)
Delusions of GrandeurWhen I was a kid I saw Back to the Future II and thought that the hover boards were real... There was even a "behind the scenes" documentary in which Robert Zemeckis stated that they were "real" and had to be "withdrawn" because of parental groups concerns. All my mates ridiculed me and I even drew up plans as to how they would work (with magnets and all) and belived that one day I would actually own one.
What have you truly believed in?
Religious views and father Christmas don't count, it has to be something funny.
(, Sat 3 Nov 2007, 23:39, Reply)
Cooking mishapsEver tried to be creative in the kitchen, tried to come up with a new recipe and end up causing you or someone near you to vomit on the dog?
Or maybe you've burned the house down in the process.
What are your stupidest mistakes while in the kitchen of doooooooom?!! *wiggles fingers*
(
ClanSoul, Sat 3 Nov 2007, 21:01,
Reply)
Playground PoetrySorry if its beeeendone.. Everyone knows the classics "milk, milk lemon aid, round the corner chocolates made." but what about the more obscure regional ones. Some red faced posh twat at Cambridge told me his, probably from the old school yard at Eton:
“Lord Finchely tried to fix the electric light,
It struck him dead an serves him right!
It is the duty of a wealthy man
To give employment to the artisan.”
"Jolly good!" we all chuckled, though I may have let slip my poor breading as I coughed “twat” under my breath.
(, Fri 2 Nov 2007, 14:59, Reply)
What made you shit yourselfLike properly given you a fright that you couldnt handle.
(, Thu 1 Nov 2007, 8:41, Reply)
Worst Film Quotes EVER"No More Mr Knife-Guy"
Will Smith-Wild Wild West.
(, Wed 31 Oct 2007, 21:31, Reply)
LitterA few years ago whilst on a school trip to Newcastle I spotted a full size sofa left to rot on the pavement. When I returned 2 hours later, it was still there, complete with an elderly man drinking vodka and swearing at me. Whats the strangest/funniest litter you've ever come across?
(, Wed 24 Oct 2007, 22:56, Reply)
Sleeping with other InternetersExcluding internet dating, have you ever arranged to meet up with somebody from an internet chat room, myspace, or other internet forum for sex ?
Were you sent photos of an absolute beauty, who turned out to be a minger in reality ?
Were they any good ? Did you meet up a second time ?
(
turb0t, Wed 24 Oct 2007, 8:45,
Reply)
Are you a total cunt?Perhaps you've done things that are malicious, vindictive or spiteful, and yet somehow you feel proud of the achievement? Maybe you've deliberately screwed someone over and justified it to yourself by saying "They deserved it!" Perhaps you're a misogynist, a homophobe or a Nazi, and you're tired of having to keep it quiet in this "PC gone mad" world. Well, why not unburden yourself here?
Oh wait, you do. In every QOTW that comes up. You cunt.
(
somegreybloke, Sun 14 Oct 2007, 10:54,
Reply)
Angrywhat makes you really, furiously, blood-boilingly angry?
at the moment it's the fact that although everything has happened that needs to happen in order for me to exchange contracts on my house, for some reason there is a delay
I blame the fucking solicitors. cunts.
normally, I would list 1) stupid people and 2) the amount of coverage that CO2 gets as related to climate change as the things that make me really angry.
excuse rant
(
Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 11 Oct 2007, 14:06,
1 reply,
17 years ago)
The FutureForget what happened in the past, what's going to happen in the future?
Have you imagined it before? What did you think it would be like? What will it be like?
What's your shiny crystal ball say?
(, Wed 10 Oct 2007, 9:53, Reply)
KinkinessLast weekend I was texting my current filth partner of choice as she was lying in bed next to her friend. They had fooled around before and after a little persuading she indulged in some more lady love while texting me the whole time. Afterwards she claimed it was the kinkiest thing she had ever done.
Tell us about the kinkiest thing you've ever seen or done.
(, Tue 9 Oct 2007, 11:13, Reply)
I am extremely critical of my own body / appearance, and therefore pretty critical of other people's as wellto the extent that I will find myself quite meanly thinking something along the lines of "Good Christ, she should NOT be wearing that skirt with an arse that size!" etc.
I also tend to measure up other women in a pretty critical way.
I may well have issues...
Anyway, the other week I was in the Ladies' at work (Bristol Airport) and found myself inadvertantly looking at some woman's rather pert backside, thinking that it would be nice if mine looked that nice.
Then I realised that we were both standing in front of a large mirror, both facing the mirror.
She was standing in front of me. Therefore she had a great view of some weird woman leeringly eyeing up her arse.
Has anyone ever thought you were a total pervert, whether you were or not?
(
b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 5 Oct 2007, 23:32,
Reply)
Regrets.That's it. Just regrets from your life so far... it's been a few weeks since we had a thoroughly depressing QotW =)
(, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 10:00, Reply)
ID please, mateWhen you were a young lad or lassie, unable to become legally inebriated, what methods did you use to break the law and get pissed? Myself and my friend Iain, both of August birthday, used Tipp-Ex[TM] and paint on our driver's liscences to transform xx/08/89 to xx/03/89. From April to August we got thoroughly pissed underage. How did you flout the law?
(, Tue 2 Oct 2007, 23:11, Reply)
... and then I hit himTell us about all the times you punched someone. Did it work? Did you miss? Did you hit the wrong person? Regale us with your tales of combat.
(, Tue 2 Oct 2007, 23:09, Reply)
When others just dont get it...My very middle class boss at work has restored two Bristol classic cars which he regularly exhibits. I mentioned to the office that he "has a lovely pair of bristols"... cue much laughter from everyone.. except their owner who just thanked me with a confused look on his face.
(, Fri 28 Sep 2007, 12:35, Reply)
Brilliant PranksA friend's sister had booked a holiday in Spain but unfortunately their Gran had fallen ill and died just before she went away. Rather than cancel the holiday his sister decided to go to Malaga as planned and fly back to Liverpool for the day to attend the funeral.
On the way back to Malaga his sister started to feel nauseous to the point where she needed to be sick and as she was sat between two other passengers would not have made it to the toilet in time. She reached for the sick bag and proceeded to chuck her guts up. It wasn't until she had finished that she noticed the look of disgust on her neighbours' faces and realised that someone had cut the bottom off the sick bag and the contents of her stomach were now on her lap.
Ah the memories of leaving the lid on the salt shaker loose and hearing stories of setting a paper bag of dog poo alight on someone's doorstep...
(
Tofor, Wed 26 Sep 2007, 18:54,
Reply)
Practical jokesMy new boss tells us he was a practical joke master at his previous workplace. So far he's not come up with much because a. we're all women, and b. we're all women. I've just demonstrated to him the old 'screen capture of desktop, substitute for real desktop' trick. He was duly impressed. What else can B3tans come up with that will impress him more. What practical jokes have you performed at work? (without endangering lives).
(, Tue 25 Sep 2007, 5:38, Reply)
FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!Abefroman and me were discussing who would win in a fight between Rupert the Bear and Paddington.
Also: in the Andi Peters/Pip Schofield naked oily wrestling match, who would triumph?
Who would you like to see fight?
And who would win?
(, Thu 20 Sep 2007, 12:02, Reply)
Worst Christmas EverI got the idea for this one from an opening sequence to a very bad pornographic movie. I acctually never saw this, (it was played during week long australian high school graduation celebrations and I was sleeping off the night before) but it was retold to me numerous times.
A man at a bar describes what a crappy christmas he's having and asks the man next to him what his worst christmas was like, we focus on the man as he says "I remember my worst christmas ever" and cross dissolve to a scene of him coming home to his wife having hot, graphic sex with the mailman. That's gotta be hard to top, but I'm sure there's some sad, scarred b3tans out there that can do it.
(, Thu 20 Sep 2007, 10:18, Reply)
FinesAfter giving a blow job in a train toilet at Victoria Station, I had to act as though I was sick so that I could get back through the ticket barriers without incurring a fine as I didn't have a ticket.
What have you done to avoid paying a fine?
(, Fri 14 Sep 2007, 13:04, Reply)
HaikuA (loose) Haiku verse
Describe something funny please
Then we can all laugh
The only rule is
Use seventeen syllables
You don't have to rhyme
oh, and this one:
Writing a poem
In seventeen syllables
is very diffi...
Isn't allowed, it's not yours, see? (not mine either...)
(, Tue 11 Sep 2007, 16:34, Reply)
Too much informationInspired by a response to the Guilty Secrets QOTW...
We've all done it, opened mouth before engaging brain and come out with slightly more than intended. A friend of mine when quizzed why she was late to the pub announced "At accident and emergency, having a stuck tampon removed. They had to have a right old dig around for it."
Suffice to say, no one was interested in the Scampi Fries after that.
So come on, when have you shared just that little too much?
(, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 22:29, Reply)
Did you know?...Illustrating Trivia.
Gawd knows Wikipedia's full of it. As well as trivia. Did you know that Paul Gadd played a priest on a recording of Jesus Christ Superstar? Coincidence nes pas?
Well the world needs to know! And they respond to images more than they can't be arsed to read much.
(
Uncle Gilly hides from Plato, Fri 31 Aug 2007, 2:41,
Reply)
Strange talentI can place most accents very well. I work as a medical secretary and have to deal with Drs from all over the world... I can usually tell where they come from without seeing them when I listen to them on audio tape. What weird and useless talents do you have?
(, Sun 26 Aug 2007, 1:22, Reply)
Not funnyI got into trouble at work a while back for being un-PC. It was meant to be funny but someone took it the wrong way. What have you done that you thought would be hilarous but ended up with you getting a bollocking?
(, Tue 21 Aug 2007, 12:47, Reply)
Shows what you knowIn Year 12 (AS Level) I did shit-all work for the year, but revised like buggery.
Imagine my surprise when, with trembling fingers and sweaty palms, I opened my AS Level results to find AAD, with 100% on a couple of modules.
Brilliant, thinks I, I'll do shit all work next year.
All my teachers told me I couldn't possibly repeat this task at the much more difficult A Level.
Well I just went on UCAS and I've been accepted into my first choice University.
Shows what they know. Tell us your "shows what you know" stories about how someone who should have been right was oh-so wrong.
(, Thu 16 Aug 2007, 8:11, Reply)
Learning stuff you don't knowA mention of Gosport in somebody's holiday tale reminded me that I completed my Submarine Escape Training there.
The fact I've never been in a submarine, or the Navy come to that, has rendered that particular skill redundant.
I've also got a certificate in 'use of explosives' and 'underwater demolitions' that I've not felt the need to show any prospective employers
What completely useless special skills and qualifications do you have.
(
Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Wed 8 Aug 2007, 17:10,
Reply)
BriberySo, what do you think you have to offer the mods before they accept your QOTW suggestion? I'm happy to say that I will never, ever, sleep with them, which should come as a great relief, I'm sure.
(, Thu 2 Aug 2007, 22:37, Reply)
the perfect crimego on how would you commit the perfect crime?
I just realised that I could possibly get away with anything if I left a fake 'police aware' sign at the scene
what would you do?
(
willenium Fist bump for verification, Fri 27 Jul 2007, 20:16,
Reply)
"I'm flattered but no thanks"pretty self explanitory really. i had a mate who offered me a blow job once. we go to an all boys school.
we don't talk anymore.
(, Wed 25 Jul 2007, 1:02, Reply)
Still not over itGood suggestion.
My mum threw away all my diaries when I was about 13 as "they were all old".
"Yes mum, that is the nature of diaries."
Ok, so I know I was filling them with things like "Today I pulled a bogie out my nose that was the size of a bunch of grapes", but hey - they were memories man!
I've got lots more and could probably fill several pages on my own if this one gets chosen...
(, Wed 18 Jul 2007, 20:26, Reply)
Weird, funny words...For some reason, when Mr Goddess' brother says 'onion, onion' to him, he creases into fits of giggles. I have a weird thing with the word fridge where, if I say it over and over in my mind so many times it sounds really strange, and just the mention of the word willy to my step son has him giggling like a loon.
Is it just me and my lot or does every-one have a word that sets them off?
(
randomwomanwholikespink, Tue 17 Jul 2007, 10:44,
Reply)
People being pratsI work as a till bitch at a shite supermarket. It begins with "S" and ends in "ainsbury's." This bloke came in today and tried to push in front of three people, to which I said "sorry mate, back of the que is there." He drew himself up to his full (not that impressive) height, puffed out his chest and cried aloud: "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!"
I replied, in all honesty: "Not a clue, mate" to the stifled and not-so-stifled giggles of everyone in the vicinity. He threw a hissy fit and walked out.
A little research with my fellow cashiers revealed that he was some twunt what was on that Big Brother programme. I've never watched it.
When was the last time you saw someone make a total prat of themselves?
(, Sun 15 Jul 2007, 18:40, Reply)
Children of the damnedI've been baby-sitting for several years now, and fortunately the horror stories have kept to a minimum. It's still going to take a lot to make me forget when the youngest of two was still getting potty-trained.
"I have to use the bathroom."
"Okay, go nuts."
He dances out of the room and I return to whatever I was reading, probably Irvine Welsh. (Great example I'm setting for the sprogs, yes?) He dances back into the room, hands firmly clamped in his crotch and doing the poopy-dance.
"I have to poop."
"Okay, go poop."
"I need you to open the door."
"What?"
His older brother detaches from the TV long enough to tell me
"He's still being potty-trained, so we're letting him use the lawn."
"WHAT?!"
This still remains the one and only time I've had to call a parent. Their mom was very patient in explaining to me that yes, he can pee or poop in the backyard. It didn't help that I could hear their older cousin laughing herself sick in the background. My parents almost collapsed a collective lung when I shared the story with them. Fortunately, I was spared the task and asked the younger to hold it in until his parents got home, which he duly obeyed.
These are the same kids who would later say Ms. Scarlet of 'Clue' was ugly because she looked like a Japanese woman. This is the same night we're watching a TV version of 'Alice in Wonderland' and the same lawn-crapper declares Mr. Caterpillar (Sammy Davis Jr) to be a bad man.
"Why's that?"
"Because he has grey skin."
Once again, my parents come dangerously close to impairing their health from how hard they're laughing when I tell them about this, and I have to restrain myself from the same thing when I lecture the wee one about how that's not nice.
Despite these little incidents, I adore the lil buggers and they're two of the sweetest kids in the world. (They also got me into Harry Potter.) They're moving soon and it makes me sad, but as long as I have Sammy Davis Jr, I can still have the shame.
What delightful or horrible experiences have you had with children?
(, Sun 15 Jul 2007, 8:44, Reply)
how would you improve your job?When I answer the phone, I rattle off the little script in a "warm and friendly manner" This script includes the company name and my name but lately I've been getting a lot of calls where the very first thing people say is "what's your name?"
FUCK YOU! that's my fucking name bitch
is what I often feel like replying
what's the deal? do you really need to know my name in order for me to be a good phone monkey and help you out? NO YOU FUCKING DON'T! and if you did really want to know my name so you can mutter it to yourself while you wank on the toilet, why the fuck didn't you fucking listen when I answered the fucking phone in the first place you fuck? especially the bit where I go "My name is....."
if bothers me, I don't like giving out my name, if people ask my full name I refuse to give it to them, I don't see why they should have it just because they ask for it in a snotty manner, especially as I'm the onyl phone monkey in the entire company with this first name anyway
they can wear false name tags in virgin megastor so why can't we give out false names on the phone
or even better if we could tell one customer per day to go fuck a goat
eh?
(
VampireMonkeyOnSpeed a super sexy sexual sex terrorist sex, Wed 11 Jul 2007, 16:26,
Reply)
I never deserved that...I had come back from uni and had been lazing around instead of job hunting. Then my brother came back and spent three weeks searching hard and came up with a laboring job miles away meaning leaving the house at 6:30 each morning.
I, on the other hand, went to the pub, and was given a job in PR right off the bat from some bloke I hardly knew. I mostly get to work from home, and only have to go to his office at the top of the hill occassionally.
I never deserved that job really.
[Topic inspired by stevio's story of being slapped for trying to fix a lass's computer whilst recieving a blowy; he never deserved that.]
(, Sat 30 Jun 2007, 18:11, Reply)
Two Ideas...My Brush With Fundementalism- Peoples stories of the time they met a devout christian/muslim/scientologist and the hilarious result.
And an idea I've posted a few times
Schoolboy Pranks- C'mon, I've got a good one if you do...
(
Paedosmile service with a grin., Sat 23 Jun 2007, 17:45,
Reply)
Who do you want to die?Bernard Manning is gone, so my list shrinks to just under 1000...
Who do you want to die and why?
(, Tue 19 Jun 2007, 20:19, Reply)
Expensive mistakesWe're moving mortgage at the moment. "It'll be incredibly cheap", trilled the mortgage provider.
A mere £1000 in fees later, we've still not finished it.
What's your most expensive mistake?
(
shadyron, Mon 18 Jun 2007, 17:57,
Reply)
worst example of a dating ade.g. 45, wacky, n/s, own home & car, male-own hair and SOH, likes cats, nights in and scalextric-not really-its only occasional. WLM white female 40-50's, nice looking preffered but SOH and honesty more important-must like kids.
that kind of thing...
(, Thu 14 Jun 2007, 12:58, Reply)
food poisoningever deliberatly given your self food poisoning for whatever reason?
i once woke up after a heavy nights drinking and i went to the kitchen to find something to eat to cure my hang over. all i had were some burgers that were a day or two (mostly the two) out of date.
pausing for a second by the bin i decided that the symptoms wont kick in for a good few hours and by then i'll be hang over free and able to cope with it.
i was sick all after noon, kept up all night by stomach cramps and there was a violent evacuation of my bowels in the morning.
but other than that totally worth it!
(, Tue 12 Jun 2007, 12:49, Reply)
What you lookin' at?What have you done thats attracted unwanted attention in public?
Being 6'5 and looking like Russell Brand, i get stared at a lot anyway. But recently i got some unwanted attention when a child looked at me and cried in a cafe. Everyone looked at me like I'd just pissed in their coffees.
Fuckers.
(, Sun 10 Jun 2007, 22:33, Reply)
Overstaying your welcomewe all had experiences with this: the last guy out of a long-over party, the "aww, just one night, mate!"-guy who then grew roots into your couch. probably some good stories from b3tans about overstaying welcomes.
(, Fri 8 Jun 2007, 21:45, Reply)
The funniest shit that happened to you today..this dayCome on.. we all get teh funnies.
(, Fri 8 Jun 2007, 0:54, Reply)
Avoiding that certain someoneIf someone you don't want to talk/see rings you or calls round, what do you do to put them off? What lies do you tell them e.g. just going out, got dinner on, averting world disaster etc.
It's even funnier when they patently don't believe you he he he.
(, Thu 7 Jun 2007, 14:37, Reply)
If you think I'm reading through god-knows how many pages of suggestions...Accidental violence.
I accidentally threw someone from a stage at a foam party, they were found (a period of time) later by their friends at the foot of the stage with a nasty gash on the cheekbone.
I made a hasty retreat and that was my only time of administering accidental harm on a fellow human.
So, fellow b3tans, what have you done that has caused accidental harm on your fellow humans?
(, Fri 1 Jun 2007, 10:49, Reply)
In the wrong earsConversations you've had or statements you've made that you didn't realise till afterwards would/DID sound hilarious or disturbing to the ears of the innocent bystander.
(, Fri 1 Jun 2007, 8:25, Reply)
PLEASElet's do the misheard or the things we hate/room 101. both of those would make me laugh like a loon. which i really need this week or i might have to slash my wrists and you don't want that on your conscience, do you? do you??
(
rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 31 May 2007, 13:35,
Reply)
When you last shat yourself in public.Picture the scene: in a crowded marketplace in the middle of manchester. Suddenly your bowels contract and you unleash brown hellfire into the back of your pants.
I mean, I was only 1 at the time but it was still funny as i recall...
Tell us your Scat-tastic adventures!
(, Tue 29 May 2007, 16:15, Reply)
What;'s the strangest thing you've stolen?When my boyf was a student, I used to steal him toilet rolls...
(, Sat 12 May 2007, 12:31, Reply)
If you have kids/brothers/sisters...Why not tell about a time when you've wished you had none? Has a brother/sister/child ever made you want to curl up and and die from embarrassment? Here's mine!
Playground, first grade:
My sister (my twin but we share only a birthday in common) was sitting with a friend on the playground one morning. Sister and friend spot a boy who looks a little different. Being from a small town, she/I had never seen somebody that was disfigured before. What did my sister do? *points* "AH HAH HAH HAH HAH!"
She says she only remembers laughing uncontrollably. She wasn't being mean, she was just scared to death at the strange looking boy. I wasn't there, but it still bugs me to this day. I hope that poor kid didn't think she was making fun of him. :(
(, Wed 9 May 2007, 5:26, Reply)
With Friends Like These...A while ago, a mate of mine, told his flatmate that he'd fancied her for ages. She was all smiles with him that evening and then that night she shagged his best mate, who knew that my mate really liked her. Nice.
How have you been screwed over by your friends?
Perhaps a nicer question to answer - What's the nicest gesture someone's ever done for you? Be it a random act of kindness from a stranger, or a partner or friend going the extra mile to do something special for you... or have you been the generous one?
(, Tue 8 May 2007, 13:53, Reply)
CharityWhat have you done for charity?
What has someone done in charity for you?
What is the weirdest charity you have heard of?
Do you just want to rant about charity muggers?
(, Wed 2 May 2007, 20:04, Reply)
Work ExperienceThat most interesting of fortnights happened to me back in upper school.
My friends all ended up shoveling various forms of animal shit, either on 'city farms' or at some animal rescue establshment.
I was well known to my teachers as a bit of a car freak, so i somehow ended up spending 2 weeks doing 120mph on A-roads whilst singing to Quen with the employees of a (surprisingly) now-defunct well known british car maker.
Not once did i witness a single car being sold.
What wonderful things did you get up to under 2 weeks of legalised child labour?
(, Sun 29 Apr 2007, 20:37, Reply)
bible storiesWe have often in the past discussed (as one does when one imbibes a few Saturday arvo bevvies) religious beliefs and the Bible. Having a bible at the ready is also handy. I’ve found chapters in there where they a) eat babies and b) throw sandals at brothers in law because they won’t have sex with their brothers wife (or something like that)
Question of the week: find a bible, find the silliest bit in it, quote chapter and verse - or make up your own bible chapter relating to your current life.
btw: Kings 2 6:28 The Siege of Samaria—Cannibalism – boiled baby kebabs mmmmmmmmm..
And yes, I'm a newbie. Been saving these up for some time now.........
(, Thu 26 Apr 2007, 1:15, Reply)
Boring questions no one wants.Favorite historical novels read.
Gardening with family and how it brought meaning into my life.
Bible quotes used in daily life to enrich society.
Donating to charity as a way of life.
Bible stories I've memorized.
Lessons I've learned through educational family trips.
(, Sat 21 Apr 2007, 13:50, Reply)
Google WhackingEver heard of Google Whacking? The idea is that you type just two words into Google search box, but they have to be completely unrelated, and hit 'search'. For a Google Whack, Google must return only one hit.
I Google Whacked once with 'palaeolithic' and 'nosebag' lol.
I know it all sounds very nerdy, I pissed myself when I heard about it and thought that the twunts who had thought of it as an amusing past time needed to get a life. Quickly. However I tried it and before I knew what had happened an hour had gone by.
Mwahahahaha!
(, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 15:37, Reply)
question of the week topic ideasongs that get you choked up?
(might be an interesting survey...)
(, Wed 11 Apr 2007, 23:08, Reply)
Crazy NeighboursOur neighbours put up a fence today.
Not exactly a sectionable offence, I hear you say, but the message daubed upon said (completely solid) fence with permanant marker, informing us not to try and cover the day-glow orange abomination with anything, as it would ¨block the airholes¨ might well be an indication that the crazy train needs to seat 2 more.
So what about your own batshit insane neighbours?
(, Wed 11 Apr 2007, 22:20, Reply)
Guffs / Farts / Trouser KoffsJust want to hear about the SINGLE worst fart you have ever done/endured/ran away from.
Everyone likes a fart story.
I know I do.
(, Wed 11 Apr 2007, 7:26, Reply)
SuggestionIt's got to be Date Disasters... The QOTW the masses have been screaming out for.
Are you listening chthonic?
Mod edit: Yup, it's just we've done it before: www.b3ta.com/questions/dating/
(, Thu 5 Apr 2007, 15:35, Reply)
MatesHave you friends that have become famous since you have known them
(
The Lurker Plenty One, Thu 29 Mar 2007, 16:52,
Reply)
Little things which give me pleasureIn the interests of getting some decent responses can we sort of re-do 'Guilty Pleasures' (which is possibly my all time favourite) and do 'Little things which give me pleasure' [stop it now - that was NOT a cock gag].
Your starters for ten:
Cutting open a new bag of coffee and inhaling deeply,
Either: smiling broadly to myself in the street about something, which then starts someone else (preferably of the opposite sex) grinning to themselves as they pass you on the pavement; OR, seeing someone (pref...etc) smiling to themselves which then starts you off.
Being brought a pot of coffee and some toast and marmalade in bed by the one you love on a sunny morning when you don't have to go to work.
Sharing a tray of savoury goodies and a decent bottle of red wine in same bed with same one you love later that day after a marathon sex session.
(, Tue 27 Mar 2007, 13:41, Reply)
I'm great meI've been looking for a job for ages, without a great deal of success. I'm beginning to think that I should make stuff up about how I cured cancer, or somesuch.
What have you managed to get from lying about yourself?
(
littlefish I like cheese, Tue 27 Mar 2007, 13:34,
Reply)
Questions You'll never askI've always wondered if dentists feel inadequate after asking women to "open as wide as you can" all day, then going home and telling their OH to open part way.
I will never ask my dentist this though.
(, Tue 20 Mar 2007, 16:19, Reply)
Pets Pets PetsI've said it before and i'll say it again.
"How the pet really died", stories you WON'T ever tell your parents!
(, Tue 20 Mar 2007, 15:33, Reply)
Siblings! (yes that's your brothers and sisters!)Me and my brother used to be as thick as theives when we were kids and broke the law and more than several occasions, setting fire to whole fields, burning neighbours hedges down, stealing from the local shop. Then when we got past the early teens there was driving without licenses, stealing from the cement factory, crashing cars, drugs, fights etc...
But as siblings there was always that code of silence that you were in it together!!! Well unless your parents had you bang to rights and cornered, then it was every sibling for themselves.
What things did you used to get up to with you siblings, that really your parents didn't ought to know about?
I'm sure this topic will also be perfect for frankspencer! ;-)
(, Thu 15 Mar 2007, 11:07, Reply)
When's the last time you laughed uncontrollably?I was at pizza place once, and asked my friend what she was getting.
"A pizza" she says.
"No no, what type is it?"
My other friend butts in; "Twenty past four".
We just stared at her and laughed our fucking faces off.
(, Wed 28 Feb 2007, 17:06, Reply)
PJMHmm... I used to date a lady who'd not bother getting out of the shower when she went to the toilet.
We didn't last.
That reminds me of an old ethnic joke (that is, a joke made by ethnics):
What's the definition of a W.A.S.P.?
Someone who gets out of the shower to piss.
So, anyone got any good white people jokes?
(, Wed 28 Feb 2007, 15:30, Reply)
Coming lastWhat have you been last in? I came last in the school cross-country run every other week.
(, Sun 25 Feb 2007, 20:53, Reply)
the simple/weird thingswhat are the simple/weird/stupid things that cheer you up or make you happy
i got a text in french today
i was well chuffed
yes i am a fruit loop
length? it was a fucking text, no more than 144 characters obviously!
(, Sat 24 Feb 2007, 23:01, Reply)
Long-Lasting ArgumentsWhen I was a lad (still am, sort-of), way back in Grade 5, I had a few friends back in primary school who were big on Star Wars, you know the sort.
One day, our teacher decided that, as part of the curriculum, everyone in the class should get together and form clubs. Of course, the Star Wars Club was quickly formed, but not without an argument. One of my friends had,just days before, discovered "the other Star Wars" and had become a Trekkie.
*dramatic gasp!*
He thought the group name should be the Star Club, so that he and his wild beliefs could feel more accepted.
This argument started a chain reaction, which led to the falling out of him and his best friend, who had been best mates since they were babies. Many years later, he thinks 'Star Club', his ex-best friend still stubbornly thinks 'Star Wars Club'.
Have you ever had an issue/argument with someone that's lasted longer than it should have, or one that's even still going strong to this very day?
(, Fri 23 Feb 2007, 13:18, Reply)
whingecome on, fucking whinge. Any thing you like. I took a poke at the fucking french tossers on the ripped off qotw just cos they are overpaid lazy cunts, and some others had a bit of a whinge about being ripped off, but what REALLY GETS YOUR GOAT? What FUCKS YOU RIGHT off? Come moan, come all, get your whinges out. Express yourself and moan!
...and dont moan about this post ffs!
(, Tue 20 Feb 2007, 20:05, Reply)
Real ghost stories (fully blown shit your pants ones, and gash ones)I work in a night club, which is in a really old building. One night, i heard a large thud and some half shouting, half screaming... Then a massive doorman came running towards me like a proper fanny.. he'd just seen the "ghost of the love apple" and shat himself.
Share your ghost stories.. (not in a gay camping sorta way)
(, Thu 15 Feb 2007, 9:56, Reply)
When have you been a hero?Helped someone in need and become everlasting adoration from them?
(
morrybyte made a subtle namechange at, Mon 12 Feb 2007, 18:48,
Reply)
The sound track to your lifeFor me, even now, when I hear the ending theme tune to Lovejoy, I still get that 'eurrrrnnngh' feeling.
As a child, I would be allowed to watch Lovejoy, then it'd 'up the wooden hill to bedfordshire', thus signalling the end of the weekend and the promise of another shitty week at school.
What pieces of music evoke powerful emotions whenever you hear them?
(
HoratioFellatio Taking the the out of psychotherapist, Sun 11 Feb 2007, 19:19,
Reply)
have you ever stolen anything?well, have you? and what was it? was it important or are you just a common or garden meff who likes other peoples stuff? WELL?
(, Fri 9 Feb 2007, 8:06, Reply)
Shitty CitiesI live in Leeds, home of all the best types of people. But I used to live in Bradford. Home of rats, prostitutes, murder, thick people and an air of racial tension.
What's the shittiest place you've lived?
(, Thu 8 Feb 2007, 18:00, Reply)
Homeless peopleI mean seriously, whats up with them?
Have you got any tales to tell of that odd looking man with the crazy eyes who sleeps in WHSmiths doorway?
Whats the most interesting thing you've seen a homeless person do? Bum fights, smoke crack on the highstreet, or maybe dancing while far over the limit on god knows what they ingest?
Or any any of you in fact one of the many homeless who line the streets scaring young children?
Homeless people, always a fun topic of debate!
(
palmr The speaking clock says:, Wed 31 Jan 2007, 22:15,
Reply)
The person you wish youd shagged- but got awayA lad recently left our place and I really regret that I never got to know him more intimately.
He wasnt very popular with the others . He had a real social inadequacy which they just ridiculed. I think he may have had some form of learning difficulties, so they shouldve been impressed that hed manage to rise to be Health and Safety Officer instead of just taking the piss.
He had a really kind nature though,he was a vegetarian, cycled everywhere to help the planet, and was always really concerned about other people, asking them how they were and worrying about their lifestyles, and Im sure I couldve made him happy given the chance but I was always too scared to make the first move and hes moved away now.
Its all just a dream I guess. I dont even know if he was gay.He was married once, and used to say how he hated the idea of anal sex but I always got the idea that was just a cover for his true feelings.
Ah well, guess I ll never know now.
(, Fri 26 Jan 2007, 9:57, Reply)
Office weirdo'sWe've all had one at one time or another, what your weirdo
Possibly bindun though :?
(, Thu 25 Jan 2007, 14:23, Reply)
What minor obsessive compulsive things do you do?1) Whenever I leave the house I pat my pockets and say "Keys, Phone, Wallet - check"
2)Worying about getting the right scrambled egg to toast to brown sauce ratio right.
3)Never likning to having a platter of food to share in a restaurant, just order my own and eat it ALL!
etc
(
Signify, Fri 19 Jan 2007, 18:41,
Reply)
top fivesAnything. No particular topic. Just anything.
here's my top five of everything, ever.
1. oh god, i don't know
2. i still don't know, stop asking me!
3. no idea
4. not sure
5. erm, i'll get back to you
(, Wed 17 Jan 2007, 13:46, Reply)
stupidly posh"i say," brayed the woman in the cafe next to me in hammersmith. "do you do cream teas?"
"no," replied the (obligatory for west london polish) waitress. "only milk."
examples of the truly ridiculously pretentious posh b*stards you've seen and wanted to twat?
(
rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 11 Jan 2007, 12:47,
Reply)
Cruel ParentsMy ex-girlfriend was a thumb sucker as a kid. Her parents kept telling her that it would turn her thumb blue. This had no effect on her until the morning she woke up with a blue thumb. Years later her parents confessed to sneaking into her room with a bottle of blue food dye and smearing liberal amounts on her thumb. Apparently she never sucked her thumb again from the fright!
Once I heard this story I was never entirely comfortable getting a blowjob from her. What if her parents hadn't touched her thumb with dye...what if her sucking things did turn them blue???? I don't want a blue knob, I'm happy with the greenish colour I've got!
Either way, her nasty parents ruined thumb sucking for her and ruined blowjobs for me. Cruel bstards!
(
sneep used to date Freddie Starr's hamster, Thu 4 Jan 2007, 13:49,
Reply)
Breaking your new years resloutionsI had a fag ten mins into 2007, whats your story?
(
willenium Fist bump for verification, Thu 4 Jan 2007, 9:57,
Reply)
The Rumour MillWorking on the railway means that you get to hear all sorts of rumours about your colleagues, passengers, managers.etc. Sometimes I think train drivers are worse than schoolgirls the way rumours/stories do the rounds and usually get changed beyond all recognition.
I do know of one person who started a rumour about himself, just to see how far it would go - it went from him sh*gging a trolly-dolly (the truth) to him being caught in bed with a directors wife and being suspended for gross misconduct (the exaggerated version)- really he just went on holiday for two weeks... (and the story got as far as York, from Kent - so I'm told)
So what rumours have you started or heard and changed then passed on? How far did it go (and did anyone get fired?)
(
HSDriver was probably still at work on, Wed 20 Dec 2006, 0:10,
Reply)
Gave 'em what forTeachers, horrible embittered shells of human beings with no joy in their lives but that which they derive from spiteful cruelty to children. But you can only push people so far before they push back tell us your tails where the oppressed students finally snapped and wouldn't take it anymore. What's the funniest thing you or someone you know ever said or did to a teacher who'd finally gone too far?
(, Mon 18 Dec 2006, 2:04, Reply)
NosinessIf I am in a record shop, I can't help myself but look at what other people are buying. For some reason, I find anyone with a stern face buying "The best of U2" funny in itself.
How nosy are you? Have you ever read anyone's diary etc...
(
monkeon schmonkeon, Wed 13 Dec 2006, 9:19,
Reply)
Idiot BouncersMy good friend Jamie got accosted by two mouth-breathing, knuckle-dragging bouncers while we were in a nightclub at the weekend.
His crime? Peacefully blowing bubbles into the air. This, apparently, is "dangerous," and something that, "Seems funny until someone gets hurt."
What is the stupidest reason for a steroid-riddled, testosterone-seeping bouncer to get shirty with you? And what happened?
(, Wed 6 Dec 2006, 12:13, Reply)
annoying crap you have to put up with at work.....such as the inane wittering on of fellow employees, along the lines of "oooo how do i hang up curtains?" resulting in an hour of "here's how" blah de blah. And let's not forget the hell that is Secret sodding Santa. It's meant to be fun but here it's soooooooo deadly serious - "thou shalt buy expensive gift for twunt you despise".
So, my suggestion is a QOTW to enable people to vent steam about all the annoying bollocks endured in the office
(, Wed 6 Dec 2006, 11:26, Reply)
Childhood EvilnessWhat evil things did you do as a child? Stealing penny sweets, clobbering ginger kids, etc etc? Children are the most evil creatures on earth...
(, Thu 30 Nov 2006, 16:48, Reply)
Working too muchIve been in three countries in the last five days, have worked every day for the last four weeks, my wife is begging me to come home, and I'm sitting at work writing this at 9pm (not skiving with B3ta but waiting for my computer to finish processing lots of numbers). Just so that I can get some data to a client *only* a week late.
I think I'm working too much. What death march jobs have you ben in?
(, Wed 29 Nov 2006, 19:59, Reply)
How rude!Don't you just hate rudeness? or are you really rude?
Who's been rude to you, or what drove you to be really rude to someone else?
[go out now and be rude to someone for no reason, so that you've got a good story if this is chosen]
If you don't like this idea you can all go and squeeze your own nuts you bunch of merkins.
Che
(, Mon 27 Nov 2006, 13:01, Reply)
Bets Pub Quiz Names!We all go to them, but I bet some people have come up with some damn good names.
Quizteam Aguillera made me laugh the other day.
(, Sat 25 Nov 2006, 19:57, Reply)
please jim can you fix it for meto have the question of the week "the trouble with housemates". or something about housemates. cos i had one.
not "had" you understand. y'know.
(, Wed 22 Nov 2006, 23:51, Reply)
Inappropriate liaisonsWho have you been rude with that you really shouldn't have? Teacher? Boss? Mum's/Dad's best friend? Best friend's Mum/Dad?
(, Tue 21 Nov 2006, 10:53, Reply)
How about: "What bullshit stories have you posted on the internet"I think we will have a few reposts:
Kidnapping Indian restaurant waiters.
Individually labelling approx 45 million individual grains of sugar.
Pull the other one!
(, Mon 20 Nov 2006, 11:33, Reply)
Shite giftsMy Aunt and Uncle are the worst at gift giving, they owned their own Post Office so every year we were given something thoughtfully selected off their dusty shelves.
Now, for many years my sister was "winning" with a My Little Pony notebook (just the notebook, not even a My Little Pony !!) at the age of 18.
This was until I was given this next gift:
My Birthday is July 26th, the day came and passed without a gift, August came and went with still no gift, infact September and October both passed without a gift, now I'd forgotten about my birthday present until late November my Dad comes home with a package for me from my Aunt and Uncle, I open it to find a Mighty White (brand of Bread) sports bag, the reason I had to wait until November for my "gift" was that they had to save up the tokens for it !!!
So, what's the shittest gift you've been given?
(, Mon 20 Nov 2006, 1:01, Reply)
Ex-PatsAre you an ex-pat?
If so, why did you leave England (or your home country)?
What's so shit hot about the grass on the other side? Is it really greener?
(
Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Mon 13 Nov 2006, 8:31,
Reply)
Are all nurses as filthy as the urban myth suggests?Having no preference eithere way, this can apply to male as well as female nurses.
I have been dating a nurse lately and can attest that at least one of them is as filthy as a roadside ditch, and swallowed twice on the first date, along with a promice that I can throw away my brown v-plates before the month is out.
(, Tue 7 Nov 2006, 12:34, Reply)
Playground nursery rhymesRemember those playground nursery rhymes you used to sing? Not the nice ones that they taught you at nursery, but the ruder and less PC versions that were much more entertaining.
Jot them down - these things need to be documented in the annals (/snigger) of history.
(
caldini Have you seen my polar bear?, Tue 7 Nov 2006, 7:34,
Reply)
Oh UncomelyEveryone loves these stories. The times that someone who, well to be as nice as possible 'wasn't your type' decided to try their luck with amusing usually drunken results.
What's the funniest way in which you've escaped such advances, or even if not escaped, just the funniest occassion you can remember this happening. I seem to recall a certain friend of mine attempting to sabotage my attempts to escape from one such woman. I had managed to avoid her relatively well up until this stage but my friend decided to talk to her for a while, I had no idea what they were saying for a while there actually I thought she'd decided to give him a shot, but I've no doubt he was probably saying something along the lines of "Oh yeah he really likes you he was telling me just a little while ago you should definitely try to talk to him" that smug bastard. I'll never quite forget his grin as he yells "Stumps, Mel needs you" she had become quite drunk so I stupidly thought she needed help like having collapsed or needing to puke or something, big mistake because in fact he just wanted to watch me squirm as I was rudely pulled to the kitchen floor where she had taken residence in an excruciatingly awkward situation whilst he walked away chuckling.
Fortunately I escaped using my suave social manouvre of wrenching my arms free and nervously exclaiming "errr I've gotta go over there now" and walking 2 and a half metres to the other side of the room.
(, Thu 2 Nov 2006, 15:14, Reply)
QOTWBest I can think of is a game my mates and I layed a while back called "Hospital Radio".
It basically involves thinking of the most inappropriate songs that could be played in a hospital or specific ward.
For example:
Bay City Rollers - Bye Bye Baby in the Abortion Clinic.
You see the potential for some serious abuse here...
Hugs,
Big Will.
(, Tue 31 Oct 2006, 19:18, Reply)
where have you been thrown out of/asked to leave and whyeveryone has been asked to leave somewhere for one reason or another.
here is an example www.b3ta.com/board/6467135
(
swaza I'm bad, I'm bad. You know it. I'm bad., Fri 27 Oct 2006, 8:59,
Reply)
Hallowe'en - WoooOOOoooOOOOoo!My dad and his brother once broke into an old church crypt, stole a skull, and hid it in their bedroom. Plagued by hideous nightmares and dreadful apparitions they dug a big hole out the back and buried Smiler in the dead of night. All well and good until they moved house, and the new owners decided to do a bit of gardening...
Real life ghost stories! WooooOOoooOOOOOoo, etc!!!
(
Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Wed 25 Oct 2006, 9:00,
Reply)
Legal drugs.....any good?As a poor student/ pathetic law abiding wannabe rebel/ scared of the good stuff girl, have anyone bothered to sample stuff from those 'Legal High' places? You know, 'Legal LSD'or similar where you have to take 6 tablets the size of grapes full of some herbal shit. Most importantly- did it actually do bugger all?
(, Fri 13 Oct 2006, 10:24, Reply)
Strange Sexual offers?When a friend of mine was in the army.
Apparently they had finished some course or other, so the Sergeant Major, let them all get pissed in the barracks.
At the end of the piss up in the early hours, the Sergeant came into the barracks and woke two of his favorite squaddies, he then led them to his digs and into the living room.
On entering, sat on the table was his wife in kinky lingerie, he turned to them and said ''knock your self out lads!'' This was a weekly thing for his wife, and he liked to watch.
Apprently years later they got divorced because she was seeing someone else!
Anyway has anyone ever had strange offers of sex?
A tramp once offered me sex for a fiver, she was told to fuck off! As she looked riddeled with disease and was a mingasaurus rex! So I gave her £2 for some cider.
Also while in Sydney one of those gays offered to give my friend a blow job and he'd pay him because he was so pretty! He's never lived down being loved by the gays.
(, Thu 5 Oct 2006, 13:49, Reply)
this week i have been mostly eating...what strange diets have you embarked upon, what happened, yadda yadda yadda etc
(, Sun 1 Oct 2006, 10:56, Reply)
Stupid actsHow about asking for really stupid acts done in all innocence. Mine was to wash my car with a nylon pan scourer.......
(, Mon 25 Sep 2006, 21:43, Reply)
How aboutpractical jokes and experiments gone wrong? bonus points for nudity and involving sex
(
disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Mon 25 Sep 2006, 15:08,
Reply)
MispronounciationsToday my 4 year old son loudly announced he wanted to go to the cinema for some cockporn.
What interesting/embarrassing mispronounciations have you made or witnessed whether be in childhood or now?
(
moogy boobles, Sun 24 Sep 2006, 17:55,
Reply)
What it's really like behind the scenes at workI worked at B+Q for a time and we we used to chortle as we tossed flatpack furniture five metres down from the warehouse shelves on to the concrete floor. A lot of them came back, I recall.
(, Fri 22 Sep 2006, 11:53, Reply)
walking in on people on the bogHave you? I have... It's usually rather embarrassing and funny, so I want to hear about the time you walked in on Tony Blair heaving out a huge one.
(, Tue 19 Sep 2006, 9:35, Reply)
public enemyI had a friend who lied for months to his girlfriend about having cancer.
What have you done to provoke hatred from everyone in the world towards yourself?
(, Tue 19 Sep 2006, 3:37, Reply)
Online ordering cockupsLast week I ordered a new cordless telephone from ebuyer. What turned up was a 17" TFT monitor worth £60 more. I'm waiting to see what I was billed for then I will complain or sell it on. Still means I have to order a phone in again...
What online or catalogue delivery errors have you had, were they in your favour and what did you do about it?
(
sudo is bored, Mon 18 Sep 2006, 11:58,
Reply)
BulliesI've posted this before but fuck it, everyone else sees fit to post the same request fifty times including QOTWs that have already been done.
Bullies! Been one? Or, more likely, been on the recieving end of one? You have controlled your fear... now release your anger!
(, Mon 18 Sep 2006, 9:27, Reply)
my worst exwhen I was about 17 I went out with a complete fruit loop, the whole think only lasted about 10 weeks, I knew it was wrong but I was 17 and needed the practice, but ever scince she has "kept in touch". I once bumped into her whilst on holiday in America, all the way from Wales for crying out loud. She feels that she has to tell all my girlfriends how great I am/ what a pathetic loser I am depending on her mood and compare them to my other exs. she still feels the need to call me late at night even though I've changed my mobile number 5 times!! Does anyone else have an ex who is more than just a bit annoying/ mental?
(, Thu 14 Sep 2006, 15:42, Reply)
Cracking off over an unattractive celeb?This is my first time of posting and it may be my last.
Last week I came across a picture of Christine Hamilton (disgraced Tory tossers wife and freelance battleaxe) I've only ever felt total apathy for her before. But this pic showed her playing the narrator in the Rocky Horror Show. There she was in suspenders and stockings and suddenly my manhood was bursting to get out of my boxers.
A few moments later I'd relieved my load and felt heartily ashamed. The worst part is that it's one of the best wanks I've ever had. Please aleviate my shame and tell me that I'm not the only one to have cracked off while thinking about an unattractive celeb?
(, Tue 12 Sep 2006, 14:14, 1 reply, 16 years ago)
best qotw so far and whypersonally i liked the very first one, the one about inadvertent cruelty to animals. there was one about a guy throwing biscuits up and down the stairs to tease his cat.
until it puked in his lap.
that tickled me all afternoon (i know, i don't get out much)...
(
rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 7 Sep 2006, 12:27,
Reply)
Theme Park StoriesWhilst backpacking in California, I got very drunk before a trip to Disneyland. I then went on It's A Small World (read: puppets,singalong, kiddie ride). I learnt all the words, and then re-rode it for the rest of the day, singing aloung loudly in a sharp, slurred London accent. My mates were pissed off, and I think I made a little girl cry.
What are your theme park stories?
(, Fri 1 Sep 2006, 13:48, Reply)
Kibbutz StoriesI'm sure there must be plenty of you out there who've spent some time on a kibbutz. Got any funnies to tell?
I spent nearly 2 years on a kibbutz in the mid 1980's and have many, many stories. (I'm sure most of this sites expensively educated readers will know what a kibbutz is, but if you don't then look it up, I can't be arsed to explain). Some funny, some sad, a few downright pornographic, the majority complete bollocks (true bollocks, but bollocks none the less).
Anyhoo...Friday night is Bomb-shelter night (said Bomb-shelter having been converted into a bar for the volunteers). It's about 1.30am and myself and 2 pals from parts foreign, let's call them Lars and Pedro, are wending a weary and weaving path back to our rooms past the cow sheds. Lars, who works with the cows, starts explaining about recently born calves and how they are looked after and why......blah, blah, blah...."and so we feed them from a bottle until they're old enough to eat solids. The little critters will suck on anything put infront of them."
On hearing this, Pedro's ears prick up, "Anything?"
"Yup".
With this he alters direction, staggering off to the calves enclosure while undoing his trousers. "This should be amusing" I thought to myself. And guess what? I was right, but not for the reasons I initially thought.
Pedro stands by the railings, cock out and trying to raise a stiffy while making mooing noises to attract a calf to him. Now, cows are naturally nosey bastards and it wasn't long before one (quite a cute one actually) came over to investigate. Now, Pedro's pissed, but he's not totally stupid. First he offers, let's call her Daisy, his finger and she immediately starts sucking on it. "Oh wow" exclaims Pedro, "That's great". With that he retrieves his finger, slides through the railings into the enclosure and drops his trousers fully. He proffers Daisy his semi-on and she proceeds to start noshing him off. Well, Pedro thinks he's died and gone to Heaven. He's gasping and moaning with pleasure, his bare arse starts twitching in the moonlight and we're thinking it can't last much longer.
And it didn't. Daisy stopped sucking abruptly and then head-butted Pedro hard and fast in the knackers. He screamed, collapsed and rolled around a bit. Me and Lars collapsed in fits of laughter and rolled around a bit until we could catch our breath. Then laughed a bit more. Daisy, unamused at not getting what she thought she was going to get, sauntered off without so much as a backwards glance.
The moral of the story: Don't try and get a calf to suck you off. You see, they have the nasty habbit of head-butting their mother's udders in order to increase the flow of milk. She can take it. A bloke's scrote can't.
Pedro walked weirdly for a couple of days.
(, Tue 29 Aug 2006, 15:09, Reply)
Things you never thought you'd say/hear."Now you march right over to Dawn French and apologise". I was about 14 and she was the 'star' at a local fair. Can't remember what i said or did though.
(, Mon 28 Aug 2006, 17:35, Reply)
DIY surgeryI once had a wart on my hand. I went to the doc to get it frozen which hurt... lots. Instead of having to go back for more treatments I got my trusty rambo knife and lobbed the fucker out. 3 years later, and not even a scar!
Majoringram
(, Sun 27 Aug 2006, 0:00, Reply)
alcohlicsim partial to the odd absenthe or three but we all know some raving father jack type carricter. i therfore want to hear yout accounts of genuine alcholics
(
willenium Fist bump for verification, Tue 15 Aug 2006, 20:02,
Reply)
Ancient lies you will never confessAs a child/teenage you told some whoppers to your parents.....some of those secrets you would reveal 20 years later, and laugh about....some you will take to the grave.
Do you feel bad about it, or don't you care?
How did you deceive your parents, and why will you keep it a secret forever?
(, Tue 15 Aug 2006, 11:32, Reply)
Embarrasing Encounters With GayersAny embarrasing encounters with the same sex? At my mate's engagement party this barman saw me drunk at a table and tried chatting me up with lines like "You've got lovely hair". Me mate stopped me bottling him, and the next day I shaved me head bald.
Any good stories spring to mind?
(
Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Mon 14 Aug 2006, 8:28,
Reply)
What's your best qualification?I am currently the UK's leading expert on apathy. S'true.
(, Wed 9 Aug 2006, 19:22, Reply)
repeatit seems to me there are a lot of reccuring subjects in qotw, therefore i demand a reopening of "flatmates from hell", as I remeber it making me laugh so hard I nearly died.
Also as part of my work decorating student houses I remeber one flat with Dave is a bummer written in foot high letters on every single wall. So I want to see if anyone knows this man, I mean is there more to this mysterious man than a studenty type who likes to bum?
come on b3ta get me my fix
(
willenium Fist bump for verification, Sat 5 Aug 2006, 20:17,
Reply)
Spooky storiesAnything happened that you couldn't quite explain, do things go bump in the night, have you ever seen something a bit spooky?
(, Thu 3 Aug 2006, 12:22, Reply)
Nightmares abroadGiven the international nature of B3tans, it might some people's abroad might be some people's home, which *might* be interesting. But basically, anything that lets me tell my story about geing dragged to some old crones house in Dubrovnic on the promise of somehwere to stay, only to be greeted by dolls heads impaled on sticks in the garden and a huge, invisible, but still totally clear RUN FOR YOUR FUCKING LIVES sign floating above the place story.
(, Wed 2 Aug 2006, 10:58, Reply)
So how did the pet really die?parents are away - you have to look after the pet - it dies - you lie to the 'rents on their return.
ie - the lizards tail just fell off - odd isnt it mom?!
not - tryin to grab the bastard but he won't have it - play with ME, PLAY WITH ME! YOU COLD BLOODED BASTARD!!! oh no.......
of course this is all fictional and i donnate regularly to the rspca and love hugging/stroking/petting/feeding animals on a regular and totally healthy basis.
(, Tue 25 Jul 2006, 15:06, Reply)
What annoys you/makes you angry?I could probably think of dozens, but drivers that queue jump or don't indicate really annoy me; microsoft - when things re-format themselves when you cut&paste them; why can't I get size 7 socks??? Shoes come in all sizes, socks are 7-11?? Always baggy!; TV - need I say more? Just because people watched one programme about buying houses doesn't mean we want loads every day, also, why repeat 'Little Britain' four times a day, every day on BBC3?; you get the idea?
Vote now....or I'll be really annoyed!!!!
(, Mon 24 Jul 2006, 16:59, Reply)
Scary AnimalsThis weekend I had the unnerving experience of being chased by a sheep. It had horns, too. I was walking down a public footpath, too. Anyways - the bloody thing may as well have been a leopard, considering how I ran away gibbering. (Cue Carry-on film style leap into hedge etc.) This made me think - have any b3tans been similarly chased, either here or abroad, and did the beast(s) in question catch you? I've asked at work and I seem to be alone in this. Apologies if this question has been asked before. I am still in shock partly.
(
Rastus made a twat of himself on the main board on, Mon 24 Jul 2006, 12:21,
Reply)
How to pass time at workOther than on b3ta.com
I am sure this a most unoriginal suggestion, but nonetheless would appreciate some ideas.
(, Fri 21 Jul 2006, 21:06, Reply)
Bottling ItWhat's the most lucrative/ridiculous/impressive thing you nearly did, but bottled out of at the last minute?
(
Amish Information Systems hates misplaced, commas, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 23:40,
Reply)
"The time I really surprised myself by having a really enjoyable experience without the use of alcohol or drugs with the possible exception of coffee"Just for a change.
All this "we were so mashed we could hardly stand up and my mate died of alcohol poisoning. IT WAS GREAT" gets a little tiresome after a while.
(
wingpig wish I'd known about liquify eighteen years ago, Fri 30 Jun 2006, 6:33,
Reply)
Made-up wordsWhat words have you made up? Do they mean anything?
(
Extinct Jesus Dossier "...I think it counteracts Hitler's magic...", Thu 22 Jun 2006, 14:14,
Reply)
Mental-Health and SafteyI would assume that the majority of b3tans work in offices and the majority of offices are full of stupid rules mainly due to health and saftey. Here is a story my friend sent me about what happened when he bought a rake at lunchtime.
"You will not guess the comotion buying a rake has caused here!!!, not only
have I been bombarded by a the most ridiculous questions (what's that? what's
it for?) by all senior management .. but I have to leave it outside of the
call center until HR have enough time to perform a Risk Assesment on it, and
then sign to say that its for my own use and will not be used for terrorism
or violent crimes, and then signed another form saying that the company is
not responsible for what I do with it. And now Im apparently in trouble for
wasting everybodys time in having to make it comply with Health & Saftey. I
have to ask my Team Leader from now if i can bring back large sharp
instruments from my break. Good thing I didnt bring my large umbrella or
they may have had to evacuate the office and call MI5 immediately - I think
I should get another Job."
I am particularly pleased with the subject line.
(, Wed 21 Jun 2006, 14:23, Reply)
If I were in charge...If I were King then all of those bastards on the tube with loud ipods would be whipped senseless with knotted hosepipes. Twice.
Similar fates would await those men who wear three-quarter length trousers; people who slurp tea / lick their fingers before turning pages; people who stand still on the walking side of the underground; people who don't use ANY punctuation in their b3ta posts.
What would you do if you had THE POWER?
(, Thu 15 Jun 2006, 12:19, Reply)
Strange things people have presumed about you/taken you for.Subject says it all, I thought it could be interesting to read about cases when strangers haved presumed absurd things about yourself, especially when they persist in their error when you try to correct them. I already posted the question on another forum and got some interesting and amusing responses, like a brown-skinned and bearded portugese being assumed to be a muslim and/or north african or a norwegian second lieutenant in Bosnia being assumed to be a general by americans because the rank insignia is a star.
(, Tue 30 May 2006, 17:18, Reply)
1:The office spackereverybody must have a complete benny working with them...i have several(i'm surrounded).
tell us about yours
2:LIES EXPOSED- what dumb lie have you told and been exposed, or exposed somebody elses?
3:5 minutes of fame...have you had yours?
(, Mon 29 May 2006, 22:38, Reply)
Magickal Drug TripPsI am no stranger to the land of drugs, b3tans. But last night scared the shit out of me. I've had acid before but nothing like this, this experience had meaning to the soul. Talking to clowns on laughing stars while chatting about bollocks on paranoia thinking i'm dying of blood loss. No word of a lie B3tans I've had enough for one life time. What strange shit have you been seeing?
(, Sat 27 May 2006, 13:45, Reply)
Work Experience experiences....What pranks have been done while on W.Ex and what pranks you have done, gotta be better than nicknames!!!
(, Wed 24 May 2006, 16:18, Reply)
NostalgiaWho would play the main roles in movie versions of kids TV programmes?
Stephen Seagal as Daddy Woodentop?
(, Tue 23 May 2006, 15:21, Reply)
Fight talkI heard an American bloke say to a mouthy bird 'shut your cock-holster bitch' and immediately get panelled by her handy boyfriend.
I stopped laughing at that comment very quickly.
(, Thu 18 May 2006, 14:20, Reply)
Top 5 favourite funeral songssee my post under this week's QOTW
What songs do you want played at your funeral, and why?
(
MontyyouterribleCUNT I gave Jeremy Kyle cancer, Wed 17 May 2006, 17:07,
Reply)
Unable to come at the last minuteThere you were, grinding away, all ready to blow your load (or the female equivalent), when .... something foul or scary happened, and you simply couldnt manage it.
Did someone switch on the lights, and you saw the dodgy-bird-from-the-club-who-looked-ok-after-10-pints?
Did a ghost gently insert an ectoplasm-laden finger up your bum?
Did a fart or joke ruin the mood?
Or was it as simple as your 5yr old daughter bursting in on you?
Tell us your story of that lingering unsatisfied feeling.
(, Wed 17 May 2006, 13:51, Reply)
unexpected/unfortunate eventsunexpected events e.g you are saying how much you hate someone and they are right behind you
(, Fri 12 May 2006, 20:41, Reply)
Things you do only when bored (but get noticed)Sometimes when I'm bored I drift away in my thoughts and work out scenes (I'm a writer btw) for my screenplay. This occasionaly gets out of control and I start acting out the various dialougues to myself. Not good when I realise I've been muttering to myself on a bus/train only to come back to reality to find concerned faces staring back at me.
What spazzy things have you done in public?
(, Sat 6 May 2006, 15:17, Reply)
When nobody else notices...Like when you see something but all your mates just didn't see it and you spend days saying ...'But honestly, I did see a ufo/ russian suitcase switch scenario/dancing -kitten/ sodomised hippo... etc. etc.
(, Sat 6 May 2006, 9:59, Reply)
Experiences of "gay tourism"Those one-off or seldom sexual encounters with someone of the same sex (or the opposite sex, for the gay b3tards) - i.e. someone you wouldn't normally dabble with but may have due to excess alcohol, randy youth or just because it seemed like a laugh at the time.
Enjoyable? Embarrassing? Or just plain silly?
(
weebear1974 discovering the joy of cat rape since, Fri 5 May 2006, 14:14,
Reply)
BossesI know we've had jobsworths but I can't believe this hasn't been done. I'm sure I'm not alone in working for an utter arse (camera shop on Grainger street in Newcastle for those who know) so how about you's then, eh, eh, eh, go on, tell uz.
(, Sat 29 Apr 2006, 6:38, Reply)
Have you ever had any sort of relationship with a teacher/pupil?sorry but i have and kinda still am and it's a very difficult and emotional situation. funny at the same time tho, especailly when he keeps falling over when he's drunk! being a chemistry teacher and all that, surely he should know the effects of alcohol on the body. duh.
(, Fri 28 Apr 2006, 11:25, Reply)
celebrity tossersHave you ever met a celebrity who has turned out a complete tosser? maybe Simon Webbe from Blue has spoken to you as if you where a piece of shit,perhaps John Travolta has had you carry all his luggage and then disappeared into the pisspot when it's time to tip,possibly you have had to stay behind after work to attend a pointless meeting about how you should speak to Michael fucking Boulton,possibly you've even had the misfortune of having to but up with the inane ramblings of Lou Reed in your workplace.If you have endured any of these then you have my sympathy as i've had to put up with every bastard one of them
(, Thu 27 Apr 2006, 1:16, Reply)
Greatest Gig MomentsWhat has been your greatest memories of gigs? I once was invited on stage with Antiproduct to lead the chant for "Bungee Jumping People Die" and had the singer then pull down my trousers, then grab my pants - I managed to pull my T-Shirt down and cover myself up as he dropped my shreddies. Then in a moment of pure Rock and Roll Clarity I lifted my shirt and showed the whole crowd my now swinging tackle. As I was ushered off Alex the singer just hollered in my ear "that was pure ROCK MAN!"
(, Fri 21 Apr 2006, 15:32, Reply)
QOTWhow about best practical jokes you have witnessed or been a victim of. apologies if this has been asked before.
(, Wed 19 Apr 2006, 19:49, Reply)
Grumpy Young MenYou may or indeed may not be familair with the grumpy old men program on BBC2 basically old men who are grumpy talk about why the youth of today need a haircut, a job, and stop doing drugs and how it was all much better in the sixties when everyone had long hair did fuck all and took drugs.
So basically what is it that pisses you right off?
(, Sun 16 Apr 2006, 19:43, Reply)
Your mumAs we've had other sex based QOTW what about. How your mum and dad found out that you were 'no longer a virgin'. I can almost guarantee I will be the only one involving a coke can.
(, Thu 13 Apr 2006, 20:11, Reply)
Have you ever spent time in jail?What for?
On a scale of 1 to 10, how much does it hurt when you sit down now?
(
ArthurTheRat, Tue 11 Apr 2006, 13:48,
Reply)
How you found your way onto B3ta.(
Wingnutt razzle dazzle my fantasmagazzle, Mon 10 Apr 2006, 21:39,
Reply)
not sure if it's been done or suggested beforebut worst house/flat mate and whatever they did to be so bad
(, Mon 10 Apr 2006, 15:25, Reply)
My HeroWho are your unlikely heroes or have circumstances lead to you being the hero of the moment?
(, Sun 9 Apr 2006, 1:47, Reply)
Tramp wisdomDifferent from "local nutters." What is the best (or worst) line you've ever gotten from a tramp? Did he give you advice? Spout religious teachings? Point out some of your unsavoury qualities? Tell you a really good Michael Jackson joke? Confess all on B3ta...
(
KersaI Missive Free Michael Shields! with Monday's Liverpool Echo, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 4:57,
Reply)
Cruel nicknamesWhat nicknames have you bestowed upon poor unsuspecting victims/had bestowed upon you and why?
(, Fri 31 Mar 2006, 16:30, Reply)
What little things really cunt you off?A couple of years ago, I was buying some grumble from a newsagent in Wembley and the old prick infront of me was talking to the shopkeep.
"You all right?" the chav hag said.
"No, I'm half left!" said the old man.
Oh how they laughed - I did not see the funny side. In fact, for some reason this got my blood boiling and I really wanted to skull-fuck both of them.
What random, and seemingly innocent, events really make you want to go Uncle Ben?
(, Thu 30 Mar 2006, 13:53, Reply)
inappropriate fart momentsMy mate once farted on a wooden chair in a posh boardroom meeting, and had to leave the room because he was giggling so much.
I once farted loudly and comedically as a close friend was sharing some depressing issues he was struggling with.
I reckon we've all farted totally inappropriately in our lives. Tell me about it - I want to know.
(, Fri 24 Mar 2006, 10:16, Reply)
Encounters With CanadiansBeing Canadian, loving this site, I hear Brits ragging on Americans all the time, in pretty much the same way we would if we weren't such pansies. I figure I'd like to know what Brits think of us.
(, Thu 23 Mar 2006, 18:15, Reply)
What was your best (*worst*) present1974 and just got engaged.
My Grandmother gave us an engagement present.
Opened it - 1lb (454g or about half a kilo in new money) box of Cadburys chocolates, but noticed that it wasn't in it's cellophane wrapping.
Inside were loads of bars of carbolic soap (look it up) all neatly laid out - some even cut into half so they fitted in neatly.
"It'll come in handy later on." she said.
Well it did- but only as a QOTW!
Length? Girth? Doesn't matter as long as you wash it with carbolic! Guaranteed to pop!
(, Wed 22 Mar 2006, 22:22, Reply)
peepee or poopoo?when was the last time you soiled yourself? and while you at it what was the biggest shit you ever had.
i once did a transparent one!
beat that ya bastards!
(, Wed 22 Mar 2006, 18:27, Reply)
Strangest sexual fantasy?I had a mate who I used to work with *no bullshit* and his fantasy was to shag the skinniest women that he could find, get to the vinegar strokes, and slit open her stomach in order to wank himself through the hole onto her entrails.
Weird thing is..... He's happlily married...
apologies if already posted, can't be arsed to read everything else
(, Tue 21 Mar 2006, 23:28, Reply)
Unusual CoincidencesHave you ever had an unusual coincidence?
One time I was walking up my garden path and heading towards the kitchen when me and my brother were singing the same song, on the exact same verse, singing the same words. Eerie.
(, Tue 21 Mar 2006, 13:10, Reply)
Gig Horror StoriesOne of my female friends claims to have had sex on the front row at a Placebo gig. I'm not sure what's worse - her having public sex or the fact that she'd been to see a transexual dwarf with personal esteem issues?
Anyway, tell us your gig horror stories, especially if you once threw a fake prosthetic arm onto the stage at a Def Leppard gig.
(, Sat 18 Mar 2006, 20:59, Reply)
unwanted attentionin your experince what is the worst way to get attention? my last post reminded me that yelling shit, shit, shit its on fire! Is not the best thing to do in a crowded lab.
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willenium Fist bump for verification, Wed 15 Mar 2006, 17:44,
Reply)
Public TransportHow about the weirdest bus or train stories... I know i have enough to fill a forum by my self.
(, Tue 14 Mar 2006, 1:39, Reply)
UFOs or Weird Stuff (not ghosties, already done that one)Who's seen something odd that they can't explain? I have.... What's your stories? Anonymity has never been easier.
You can tell us... we're your friends....
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Shazzoir Old enough to know better young enough not to care, Mon 13 Mar 2006, 5:31,
Reply)
How did each b3tan come up with their usernames?Okay, some are self explanatory and some are probably fairly bland stories, but I'm sure all of us at some point has pondered someone's name wondering how it came to be.
Mine came from a short film I made that momentarily achieved cult status in my college which got made after it was pointed out to me that I had a somewhat unhealthy obsession with the garden implement in question.
But what about everyone else?
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shovelboy This is bad - Two minutes to Belgium, Fri 10 Mar 2006, 23:18,
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love adviceWhat is the worst piece of advice you have given someone in regards to love.
I once told someone her marriage nerves where unjustified and thatthere was no way here partner would cheat on her. Fast forward two weeks at a party at their house, and her betrothed trying to slip me a quickie, whilst saying I really don't love her.
(, Wed 8 Mar 2006, 23:16, Reply)
Falsely accused.Have you ever been given the blame for something you haven't done, no matter how ridiculous?
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Lightguy hail satan, Wed 8 Mar 2006, 22:14,
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DIY DisastersWhat would you do if you dropped a small screw in a frustratingly inaccessible gap?
(This was one of four screws used to attach a washing machine drainage pipe to a sink drainage pipe. I didn't have any spare screws of this size)
Buy a new pack, right? Nope. I'm too cheap (Scottish/Jewish ancestry). So I soaked a sock in golden syrup and stuffed it in there, hoping that it would adhere to the gloop when I pulled it out. It didn't. Now we have no screw, a sticky mess that's impossible to clean, and come summer, ants.
Arse.
(, Wed 8 Mar 2006, 11:58, Reply)
a guaranteed winner here.....absolute cunts you have worked with/for
everyone has worked with a complete arse.
(, Fri 3 Mar 2006, 0:44, Reply)
Once on a drunken taxi ride......I asked the cabby if the local population worried about the near-by Nuclear power plant throwing a leak and giving them 3 eyed babies...this was, of course, before I noticed his "Jeremy Beadle" type hand.....how about a QOTW about the infamous "Foot-in-mouth" disease?
(, Thu 2 Mar 2006, 11:33, Reply)
Silly ExcusesI was recently left by my girlfriend for a tesco employee with the excuse that they get "better pay" and so "makes more sense". What"s the worst excuse youve ever had?
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Wingnutt razzle dazzle my fantasmagazzle, Tue 28 Feb 2006, 20:57,
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funny racism (stupid and non-violent)Recently a friend of mine was part of a school exchange programme with Thailand. The first night they were there there was an entertainment thing when the Brits and Thailandians were meant to show off how cool their cultures were. The British students sung a half-arsed version of Let It Be, the organisers stopped the music after the second verse I think. Then the Thai students put on a play about white people being evil whores. Some of them put on white masks with Caucasian features and exaggerated make-up, then maskless Thai students stabbed them and cheered. The Britishers watching weren't actually threatened physically or verbally, they were treated fine, someone just thought this was the best way to entertain them. To be fair the person in question and me agree that it's funny as fuck.
Does anyone else have any good stories about racism so ridiculous (and not connected to actual abuse) that it's comical? Will settle for interesting stories about the black and white minstrels. Or the sitcom "Heil Honey I'm Home", which was cancelled after one episode. Stuff like that.
Actually to be honest I just felt like sharing that story, so fuck it.
(, Wed 22 Feb 2006, 16:49, Reply)
Where there's blame, there's a claimWithout sounding too much like that jowly twat off 'o' that advert;
"Have you ever been injured, and it wasn't your fault?"
In other words, have you ever physically fallen foul of someone else's stupidity?
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RR I love you ... in a way, Wed 22 Feb 2006, 15:04,
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Misunderstood lyricsMy mother once heard the lyrics "heard it in a love song/can't be wrong" as "early in the morning/ten feet long".
Any other tales of misunderstood song lyrics?
(, Tue 21 Feb 2006, 2:07, Reply)
What can't you deal with?Not the obvious stuff - like spiders or bricks falling on you - you know, things that many people have trouble with, but the weird stuff.
As an example, I cannot touch balloons after about a week. You know, when they get a bit wrinkly and horrible, just turns my stomach. Can hardly even bear to look at them.
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esganorp has no hummus, Fri 10 Feb 2006, 0:56,
Reply)
what wierd things do you like to eat?er..that's it really. i like to eat raw pastry what about you?
(, Wed 8 Feb 2006, 20:55, Reply)
What really funny/embarassing thing has happened to you?Once a really funny/embarassing thing happened to me. Has anything really funny/embarassing happened to you too? Why not tell everyone about it?
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Gilgamesh gazed in wonder as Frampton came alive, Tue 7 Feb 2006, 1:53,
Reply)
Great GraffitiRead on bar bathroom walls, barricades, subway stations...
My favorite one:
"For a great lay, call 355-XXXX
if children answer, ask for Daddy"
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salamander, Tue 31 Jan 2006, 17:10,
Reply)
What's the worst thing you've heard said in a wedding speech?I'm being Best Man at my Brother's wedding later on in the year and I was wondering what is acceptable to say and what's not... so what's the worst thing you've heard said in a wedding speech?
(, Sun 29 Jan 2006, 12:29, Reply)
When have you really been scammed?I've been waiting for this QOTW to come up fopr ages. Just to see how thick my fellow b3tans really are! C'mon. When has someone conned you out of cash or belongings, or better yet, when have YOU conned someone out of cash or belongings?
(, Sat 28 Jan 2006, 21:24, Reply)
Oh Shit ! ! !How am I going to get out of this one?
nuff said again.
(, Thu 26 Jan 2006, 20:04, Reply)
GULLIBLEAs 6th form public schoolboys, a friend and I convinced a guy in our year (social stalker!) that we were cocaine dealers. We brought in baking soda and everything.
The culmination of this was us sending him to Manchester (from London) to meet a contact. Needless to say this contact didn't show, so our gullible little friend didn't get his money, after about 10 hours total travelling. We did pay his bus fare though (damn my conscience!)
I'll give you more details if you make this the QOTW. Promise. Besides, it would be a cool QOTW anyway. Bring it on!
(, Tue 24 Jan 2006, 23:27, Reply)
For years I believed my brother when he told me MP stood for Male ProstituteI only discovered the contrary when I told my Dad there were some Male Prostitutes on the news.
What acronyms/intials have puzzled you?
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mike woz ere 7442200 & 7696970 getter, Sun 22 Jan 2006, 13:00,
Reply)
Big regretNot sure if you've done this, but What do you really regret doing/not doing?
I REALLY regret not hitting a nasty anti-semitic twunt I met in the South of France when I was 18 and weedy and jewish and he was mouthing off about putting dog shit through a rabbi's letter-box.
I also regret not kissing a very pretty german girl called Barbara I met in a Youth Hostel cos I was too shy.
Che
(, Fri 20 Jan 2006, 17:09, Reply)
If you could be any fictional character, who would you be?After much discussion during work hours, we decided that most men either want to be James Bond or a Jedi Knight (apart from paul who wants to be optimus prime).
Who would you like to be?
(, Sun 15 Jan 2006, 19:16, Reply)
Wishesyou there sitting at you desk wishing you where somewhere else
if you could have one wish what would you wishe for?
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discobunnywalker, Wed 11 Jan 2006, 23:28,
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stupidest and most pointless argument you've ever gotten into / heardI'm sure we've all got stories like this - two mates of mine once had an argument about the merits of that Junior Senior song. ended up with one of them kicking the other in the shin and walking off in a huff.
it was so weird we couldn't even laugh at them for it.
.
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yes yes yes man oi mate, someone's writtten 'bum' on your neck, Wed 11 Jan 2006, 13:12,
Reply)
KITTENS!My cat used to suck my earlobes and sleep in my shoes with one foot in each. Too damn cute. Ripley the earsucking cat has now gone to Cat Valhalla, but what's the cutest thing your kitten has ever done, you know, the one thing that makes you go "AAAAAAAWWW, look at that!" and run for the camera.
Kittens - you know you love them.
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Shazzoir Old enough to know better young enough not to care, Fri 6 Jan 2006, 5:21,
Reply)
given the nature of the board..."tell us a lie" would make a good qotw
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writerblock ... embedding disabled by request on, Tue 3 Jan 2006, 13:16,
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QotW topicsHow about : what is the best rumour of lie you have ever started or told. I recently convinced a lady that I was best friends with James Blunt as I served with him in the army, I said I could get her VIP tickets the whole shebang, so of course she let me sleep with her. Good job I gave her someone elses phone number. I also started a rumour at college that one of the lecturers had a gay affair with another lecturer, and he is still haunted by such a rumour, that was four years ago!!
(, Tue 27 Dec 2005, 18:37, Reply)
Dodgy decisions you've had to stand byor presents youve had to justify, because YOU found it funny..
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[DTMX] Fishing hook, Tue 13 Dec 2005, 11:00,
Reply)
The Most Intoxicated You've Ever Beenoh and it has to be funny aswell!!
(, Thu 8 Dec 2005, 0:26, Reply)
Nautiest thing you did at school?By which I mean 'I dipped a pen in my own poo and wrote 'poo' on the wall of the cubicle with it' style naughty, not the 'my teacher jacked me off in the suply cupboard' kind. Although some examples obviously fit nicely into both.
(, Sat 3 Dec 2005, 18:29, Reply)
Petty bureaucracyI go to school. Enough said, really, and many stories to follow given the opportunity.
Give us your best examples of Neo-Nazism
(, Tue 29 Nov 2005, 20:34, Reply)
Stupidest thingI once was in a game store and spotted a nice cute kiddy game called "Playground adventure". Side by side to it was "Doom 3" and "Leisure Suit Larry" (complete with women with nipple stands).
I nearly had to be escorted out of the shop. What's the stupidest thing you've seen like this?
(, Tue 29 Nov 2005, 18:56, Reply)
LieWhat about the best lie u ever told i mean ther must be sum good ones ther. even better if people believed u.
(, Mon 28 Nov 2005, 20:27, Reply)
Xmas partiesI think that office xmas parties is cracking idea.
What is your worst past or future xmas party?
This year my office are going to a cookery school where we make our xmas dinner and then eat it.
Beat that.
Edit: Also I am the only drinker in my office. So no alcohol allowence for me this year...
(, Thu 24 Nov 2005, 11:07, Reply)
Adorable Pet StoriesEveryone loves talking about their pets. Especially me.
(, Thu 17 Nov 2005, 18:41, Reply)
school fightscontinuing the prevalent theme in the last couple of QOTW's, we should all tell of the great tradition that is school fights.
(, Thu 17 Nov 2005, 13:24, Reply)
FamilyHas anyone ever touch another family member in a sexual way... may be slipping ur sister a digit in the bath to sniffing a siblings underwear....???
(, Wed 16 Nov 2005, 17:02, Reply)
t'internetWhat's the funniest/best thing you've ever seen on the internet.
(, Wed 16 Nov 2005, 13:37, Reply)
three ideaswhat's the most trouble you've ever been in, ever?
have you ever tried to cheat and got/not got away with it?
what's the worst thing you've ever seen your parents/siblings get up to.
(, Tue 15 Nov 2005, 15:10, Reply)
customs cnutsI know we've had police but customs are a special breed apart. I flew to norway. nice clean shirt respectable like, but, as a result of my travelling companion wearing an adidas vest and an africa shaped medalion, i got pulled in. and had my bottom searched. and was interrogated. in the nude...
(, Mon 14 Nov 2005, 16:56, Reply)
What can you do that none of your mates canEveryone's got some skill (some are for public display, others require a more *intimate* setting), some talent that makes them different from the person standing next to them... What's yours? Even if it's something like "I can keep my eyes open when I sneeze"... If people could post pictures of them doing these things it could even be a compo!
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@stephenshortt Jaysus it's been a while!, Tue 8 Nov 2005, 10:36,
Reply)
you evil bastard!What’s the cruelest most heartless thing you have ever done - that you have absolutely no regret over
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spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Tue 8 Nov 2005, 9:47,
Reply)
things you belived as a childthings that you mistakenly believed as a child that took YEARS for you to realise the truth
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spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Tue 8 Nov 2005, 9:35,
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OffendedWhat is the most you've ever offended anybody? Whether purposeful or accidental!
(, Tue 8 Nov 2005, 2:28, Reply)
THE B3TX-FILESThis is one of my not-so-frequent good ideas. Not long ago I lived with my mum and brother in a pokey little converted basement under someones flat. The flat had the bedrooms and living room upstairs and the kitchen and a very cold storage room downstairs.
One night my mum came home with one of her mates, as they passed said storage room my mums mate turned to her and said "why is one of your boys in the storage room?" (not knowing that we were both upstairs in bed)
My mum turned round and said "they're not, you probably just saw the ghost that lives here". Apparently the ghost of a young boy frequently occured in that room.
my mum only told us of this AFTER we moved out which is just as well cos I would have shat my pants had I known when I was living there.
What other spooky stories do people have about ghosts, phantom encounters, UFOs, strange creatures etc?
(, Sat 5 Nov 2005, 21:13, Reply)
What is the worst tatoo you've ever seen?I swear a bloke sat next to me in a cafe in cardiff had written in his arm in that shitty-green colour 'I LOVE BEER AND SEX'. What a twat.
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DumbMonkey The penis mightier than the sword, Fri 4 Nov 2005, 11:38,
Reply)
Your favourite similiemine was taught to me by my grandma, and its "as tight as an egg up a dog's bum"
Or your favourite euphemism. I had a friend's mum call her minge her Mrs Harris. Not sure how i got into (or out of) that conversation...
(, Fri 4 Nov 2005, 1:44, Reply)
A QOTW that should get some laughs (God knows we need one).I recently hospitalised my friend, when I hilariously decided to superglue his glass of water to his desk. He needed 14 stitches in his palm and struggles to write at the moment.
When have you seriously injured (physically or mentally) a friend (or enemy) as a result of nothing more than a good-natured jape?
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disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Tue 1 Nov 2005, 11:49,
Reply)
Nick-NamesI pride myself on giving people nicknames that haunt them for ever.
An example is a bloke i used to work with who we called "Drill Bit"...Because he was a boring tool...
Have you got any nickname stories?
(, Thu 27 Oct 2005, 14:25, Reply)
Why did I do that?Stupid things you've done for seemingly no reason.
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Malchick, Tue 25 Oct 2005, 11:11,
Reply)
Battle of the sexesI agree with Legless about asking: "What advice would you give to the opposite sex?" ie. don't start playing with it and then think you don't have to make us cum in some way, that's a waste of a good erection!! I think this would make for a very interesting QOTW.
I've been lurking for a few months and this is my first post so go gentle with me. Peace out
(, Fri 21 Oct 2005, 12:50, Reply)
What was your first computer?First computer I owned was a green screen Amstrad, first computer I actually did anything with was the school's aged ICL computer, an RML380Z that had 1K of memory, had those *huge* bendable floppy disks and had a programming language with about eight commands (JINEG, JIZERO etc).
(, Fri 21 Oct 2005, 12:18, Reply)
QOTW: PoofsPeople we know or knew but didn't know they were cock smokers/how we found out/what we thought and/or did when we found out...
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Milo the crab, Sat 15 Oct 2005, 2:20,
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Two modest suggestions ...Firstly, another round of poo anecdotes. And then another. Yes, I know that's against the rules, but lets face it, poo stories are funny as feck.
Secondly, everyone try their hand at imitating Stusut79's breathtaking style, on any sort of subject. Let us stir the monkeys of mirth from their airless vault, that they may screech and gambol on the sunny uplands.
(, Fri 14 Oct 2005, 5:52, Reply)
cunning linguisticswhat stupid things have you ended up saying or had said to you due to language barriers?
(, Thu 13 Oct 2005, 17:12, Reply)
funniest way to diedying is a real serious subject, but...... fuck it. i heard of this 1 person whosnapped his neck trying to suck his own dick. i couldnt help but chuckle a bit even though he died. what was the funniest way someone died or you think would die?
(, Thu 13 Oct 2005, 3:03, Reply)
LimericksI went to an isle called Nantucket
Shirts told of a man, wife, and bucket
What they meant I know not
But I know there should ought
Be within that wee rhyme an "oh fvck it!"
I'm sure everyone here can do better then this! Post your limericks (naturally the nastier the better).
(, Wed 12 Oct 2005, 8:29, Reply)
how about"I just wanted the ground to open up underneath me."
sudden, overwhelming, heart-stopping, life-ending embarrassment. it can't fail can it?
(, Fri 7 Oct 2005, 18:35, Reply)
Tim WestwoodHaving watched Pimp my Ride UK style I have a question - who else thing Tim Westwood is a complete and utter cunt and what would be a suitable painful death for him to suffer!
(, Fri 7 Oct 2005, 11:36, Reply)
ok nicknamesmy nickname in my new-ish job is either wolfman or wolverine due to my adversion to shaving and gel-enhanced hair. What nicknames have you had that you are secretly chuffed with / actually like?
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wierdo was bored @, Fri 7 Oct 2005, 10:54,
Reply)
Practical jokes gone awryA work associate once told me about a practical joke involving a gym bag, a trainer and flatulence. As sheer alimentary misfortune would have it, the joke was derailed when the miscreant flumped into the victims trainer.
He put the trainer back exactly where he'd found it in embarrased shock.
(Cue ten or so now hysterical team-mates retching and streaming from the room).
Have any of your practical jokes or gaffes gone awry in a similar fashion?
(, Thu 6 Oct 2005, 23:38, Reply)
Small ChildrenEveryone has some excellent story of an encounter with children that's resulted in disaster or hilarity. Example: in the three years I've babysat for the family next door, I've only had to call their parents once. That was when their youngest was being toilet trained and he and his brother insisted it was all right for him to poop on the lawn. I could hear their cousin laughing hysterically in the background as I spoke to their mother. Plenty more stories about those two.
(, Thu 6 Oct 2005, 16:28, Reply)
Internet dating horror stories . . .I got the idea from Legless' blog (so credit goes to him!!) - his story is actually rather funny . . .
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Mrs Legless . . . belongs to, well, you know . . . :), Sat 1 Oct 2005, 19:25,
Reply)
Stories you invented for people based on their purchases (Supermarket Pervs)In costcos the other week, I spied a man buying cooking oil and toothpaste in bulk, and a glass champaigne cooler.
He was obviously planning an oil wrestling tournament, with the participants getting a little drunk in advance. He is also providing conveniences for those who want to spend the night. fucking perv.
Do you have any similar tales of supermarket pervs?
(, Thu 29 Sep 2005, 16:40, Reply)
What dumb thing have you seen anybody doing that they did to get attention and then got mad when you noticed them?I saw some guys at a gas station in a day-glo orange car they'd obviously spray painted said color with cheap canned paint. My friend parked next to them and we glanced over, as you do.
They jumped out of their eyesore and threatened our lives for looking at their car. The driver even offered to my friend that he would pull "that earring out of your eyebrow and make you suck my dick with your girlfriend (me) watching." My friend was really really gay. The guys in the orange car set off our fight or flight responses. Being two gay guys and two teenage girls, we fled.
I also once saw some hippies at a Dead show with a purple (live) Dalmatian. They told me and the same friend that would two years later be threatened with eyebrow violence to quit looking at their fucking dog, man.
Does this happen a lot or only to us, cause we find damn fools like that inordinately funny?
Please don't post 10 stories about chicks who get breast implants and then get mad at you for talking to their tits.
(, Thu 29 Sep 2005, 7:32, Reply)
Where are they now?tell us about people you thought were gone forever from your lives poppping up in strange places.
I thought Id never see some cunt who used to beat me up in school again till he tried to steal my pizza at a music festival.
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willenium Fist bump for verification, Wed 21 Sep 2005, 13:50,
Reply)
RecipesC'mon, what's your best recipe?
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Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Sat 17 Sep 2005, 3:29,
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Walking paradoxes (paradoxi? I'm a not a teacher, shit)Where I live (Hong Kong), I see a lot of bizarre T-shirts worn in equally bizarre situations.
Two of my favorite include:
1. An extremely frail old man with stick-thin limbs, hunched over and shuffling along with the help of a cane, wearing a black T-shirt which read "DO SOME DAMAGE"
2. An Indonesian nanny wearing a Muslim headscarf, holding the hand of a little white blonde haired, blue eyed girl, wearing a hot pink T-shirt which read "JIHAD".
I'm sure this is not confined to English-as-a-second-language societies. I once saw a poodle-haired, portly fellow in the states wearing a red shirt with the 'Virgin' logo on it. Snickers ensued. What's the funniest T-shirt/walking paradox you've ever seen?
(, Sat 10 Sep 2005, 5:50, Reply)
How about...My story is thus. When I was 18, I left my college, full of vim, vigour and a desire to do good. So, I signed up with an organisation to do development work overseas. The plan was, they would fly me out to Denmark, I would then train there for six months, before being flown out to Africa for six months, before I headed off to University. However, I couldn't afford the fees. No problem they say, you can just work it off before you start the course. Which I do, maintaining their website. After I've worked up the cash, I started the course. Things didn't exactly go well right from the start though- when I arrived at the airport they forgot I was arriving, I waited for about three hours before getting a taxi and charging it to the organisation I was with. Good one there.
Over the first month or so, I noticed things were VERY odd. First of all, a person who wasn't conforming to their way of thinking was dragged to a meeting at 11 o'clock at night, to basically be shouted into it. Then there was the time all of us on the course were having a private meeting which was barged into, and broken up, unceremoniously. Our crime? Not getting into the spirit of things. This, plus a whole lot of other things (their library had such wonderful books as something about the history of North Korea... from the perspective of Kim Jong Il) prompted me to do a bit of googling about this organisation. As it turned out, I'd only gone and signed myself up with a bloody cult. Allegations included such lovely things as brainwashing, money laundering, tax evasion, and gun running.
My question is this. When have you ever truly had an "oh shit" moment.
Suffice it to say, I decided to quit. As a post-script, they ended up paying for my flight home, and their leader has since been charged with and is on trial for tax evasion. The organisation by the way is called either Tvind, Humana People to People, UFF, Planetaid... all sorts of things. Take my advice- steer clear, and use your money to get
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jim_bob can herd cats., Fri 9 Sep 2005, 3:19,
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Mistaken Identity - Have you ever been mistook for someone else?I used to work at the Odeon Cinema in Chester whilst a student. For those not familiar with 'The Walled City' it a fairly tall building with a tower over-looking the town hall and cathedral.
Near the top of this tower section is one of the two projection rooms and has a door leading off to the roof where many a projectionist has a quick cigarrette whilst admiring the view.
One day the projectionist on duty did just that, but it was'nt any ordinary day - it was the day that the daughter of the Duke of Westminster, Lady Tamara Grosvenor married Prince Charles' godson at Chester Cathedral in November 2004. So whilst having a quick fag, he though he'd see if he could spot the Queen and Prince Philip (who attended) as the procession came out.
Unfortunately for him, several armed police thought he was a sniper.
They stormed the cinema, and ran up the stairs leading to the roof, past the managers office, who then joined in the chase - mainly to figure out what the hell was going on. The member of staff who let them in, leading the way shouting "come on, let's get him, you slow bastards!"(thinking the whole thing was hilarious)
When they all reached the top - at gunpoint they demanded that the projectionist tell them what the hell he was doing on the roof (they did'nt believe his story of having a fag) When the manager arrived on the scene, the police asked him to verify that the projectionist worked for him. He said "No, i've never seen him before in my life" The look of sheer panick on the projectionist was a picture. Just as they are about to hand cuff the poor bloke, the manager says (now almost in hysterics) - "No, I have to come clean, he does work here"
Apparently the Police took A LOT of convincing before they would let him go.
I called him Lee Harvey Oswald for weeks after that
(, Tue 6 Sep 2005, 10:41, Reply)
To Concur with gavD's suggestion...Just what IS the chavviest chav example of behavoiur or appearance you've had the displeasure to witness?
Mine hails from Bangor, North Wales. 8pm, high Street. An ugly little 14yr old cunt with six gold chains, a white cap, pimples like a pizza over his face and trousers tucked into his obviously fake trainers. With a Pit Bull being strangled on a chain-leash, and on his left shoulder an obviously dyed blond munter which buck teeth whining about cigarette withdrawal.
To which his reply was "Fook off yeh fooking beetch!"
I laughed and pegged it. :)
(, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 3:49, Reply)
First WordsWhat were the first words said by the little infant you?
(
Lightguy hail satan, Mon 29 Aug 2005, 15:51,
Reply)
And when I woke up my hands were covered in bloodOne morning, following what must have been a phenomenal pissup, I woke up on the hard shoulder of a busy motorway, covered in snow, ala Jack Nicholson from the shining. Couldn't remember anything leading up to this event *whatsoever*.
Has anyone else awoken from an alcohol / chemically induced slumber in similar situations?
(, Sat 27 Aug 2005, 19:20, Reply)
Victims of crimeI once lived in a pikey area where we were burgled by the next-door neighbour's kids. I didn't mind their taking everything and flooding the house so much as their carefully hiding a pair of pants in my bedroom complete with the biggest skid mark the world has ever seen. The police declined to take them for DNA testing. What crime have you been the victim of?
(
Olembe Refuses to write in this space, Thu 25 Aug 2005, 8:49,
Reply)
Parental corporal punishmentReading responses to Sibling injuries QOTW it became obvious that most B3tans have fond memories of savage beatings at the hands of their parents something most kids of today will never appreciate given bloody PC attitudes. What sadistic and inventive methods of non-lethal punishment did your parents inflict on you?
(
number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Fri 19 Aug 2005, 16:42,
Reply)
Knob splinterI just reminded my
brother of the time he got a splinter stuck in his knob from climbing a tree with no undies under his baggy shorts.
What can you embarrass your siblings with?
(
Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Mon 15 Aug 2005, 15:33,
Reply)
Maybe it's time for another 'nice' QOTWWhat is the nicest thing someone ever did for you? Or maybe the nicest thing you ever did?
(, Wed 10 Aug 2005, 14:31, Reply)
Things that taste like smells? or vice versa.I've always thought that the first bite of a cadburys choclate eclair chew/sweet tastes a bit like the smell of dog plop.
Does this mean I've got a tumour or something?or does anyone else have a taste/smell issue?
+ School dinners smelt great at breaktime but when you got to your table at lunch it always tasted like a fat boys cleft jam. I reckon the dinner ladies were having an extra helping of proper tuck at the expense of us pale and ricketty kids. Speaking of school dinners, I used to lick the rough side of the matchbox (there's a euphamism waiting to happen) that my dinner money went to school in. It didn't taste like a smell but I'm pretty sure It's why I have no lips now.
(
Woolworth Smells of festive spices, Sat 6 Aug 2005, 14:56,
Reply)
Have you ever STARTED a fight.......and lost?
don't want any tales of victory, just the losses - as many details as possible. Heres Mine -
i suppose i asked for my ass to be kicked, gf and i were out shopping, she was up the duff, i was in a pissed off mood over something or other.
outside the supermarket sat four lads, younger than me, but no smaller - someone made a funny comment about my missus (i think it was the way she was waddling ) anyways, i got the hump over it and told the gobshite, if he says anything else i'll pull his [censored] head off. the threat did the trick and they just looked sheepish, did my shopping and came out...and they were all there and now they were pissed at me, as i walked away i was grabbed by the shirt from behind and punched in the back of my head a few times, didn't hurt, another lad came round the front and tried to lay into me.
i grabbed this bastard by his neck and twatted him some hard and fast punches, he was out of it - however the weedy puches to the back of my head where still coming and my sight and hearing were getting screwed up.
it was looking grim and with another two guys coming to have a go at me too i needed help asap, i made a break to the main road with this guy still attached to my collar, hoping a car would stop and someone would break it up...very, very luckily the car that stopped short of squashing us both was being driven by two brothers, both old school mates one guys a pro boxer (and his brother is bigger and badder than him) they got out of the car and ever-so calmly asked if i needed a hand, i smiling and politly said "yes please" - it went manic, these guys tore the kids to sheds, heads, arms and legs stomped on, headbutts to nose action - teenage bollocks being kicked, hard.
i took a few steps back and was just frozen, felt no pain, infact i felt sorry for these people. when it was all over, they grabbed the guy that mouthed off at the start and threatened to drive him off somewhere and finish him off, he was crying and everything...i had to tell them to let him go, he limped away mumbling some crap.
GO ME!!!
(, Fri 5 Aug 2005, 10:44, Reply)
Just in the nick of timeMust be plenty of stories where something happened at the 11th hour and saved someone from dire consequences.
(, Fri 5 Aug 2005, 6:10, Reply)
If it ain't broke...I decided yesterday I could replace my front brake pads on my car easily enough...I had to take the train to work this morning and I now have to wait for a mechanic to come out on Thursday and fix them.
What have you fiddled with/broken/sabatoged when you blatantly knew you should have left it well alone ?
(, Tue 2 Aug 2005, 11:28, Reply)
What is the best sacking you've ever witnessed?I work as a cleaner at my college. Today was the first day the near year 12s worked, and the boss wasn't happy with them - and they were doing a shit job. An hour after she told them this one of them got fired because she caught him hoovering his nipples.
Any sackings beat this?
(
Whillow, Tue 2 Aug 2005, 1:47,
Reply)
Humorous true-ismsFor example: "Farts are like children; your love your own but you hate other people's".
(, Mon 1 Aug 2005, 15:02, Reply)
Culinary disastersFor the purely selfish reason that I have a really good one.
(, Wed 27 Jul 2005, 11:51, Reply)
Strange old peopleOld people are strange aren't they?
My mates grandmother is a bit senile now and a few year ago his mother was getting a new bathroom suite installed. While the plumbers removed the old suite the new one was being stored in my mates mothers room to which his grandmother decided she needed to use even though they told her only the downstairs toilet works. Fast forward to his mother going in to her room and seeing her mother squatting on a unplumbed toilet in the middle of her bedroom.
Still makes me smile when walking through B&Q.
(, Tue 19 Jul 2005, 11:14, Reply)
catchphrases...how about catchphrases you and your friends use and how they came about?
a couple of years ago, we were all at the pub celebrating a friends birthday. one of our friends, keith, turned up and announced "hello, it's me, keith!"
everyone fell about laughing. obviously he thought we'd forgotten all about him and felt the need to remind us who he is.
to this day, whenever we meet up, the first thing we always say is "hello, it's me, (insert name here)!"
(, Mon 18 Jul 2005, 14:15, Reply)
Our Personal "little" ritualsWhat little rituals do you have, what odd things do you feel compelled to do under certain circumstances (even though you can hear a little voice at the back of your head shouting "obsessive compulsive disorder!").
I have many, including
I refuse to have a direct link to B3ta. I always navigate via the links on Weebl's page which I DO have bookmarked. Don't ask me why .. its just "one of my things"
I cannot eat eggs in any shape or form unless I have, with my own eyes, seen the eggs cracked into the bowl/pan/etc.
When opening a new packet of cigarettes I ALWAYS have to take one out, turn it upside down and replace it in the pack, saving it to smoke last. Why .. god knows ... madness I tell thee !!!!
(
RadG Drinking Mojitos in the sun, Sun 17 Jul 2005, 19:55,
Reply)
Monkey TennisHow about asking about our imaginary friends we all had when we were little.
or games you made up to play.
(, Sun 17 Jul 2005, 18:16, Reply)
EROTIC FAILURESI was in a band once and we were playing at a seaside venue way back in the '80's. I had pulled that night and so had the rest of the band. We decided to walk along the seafront and decided to go under the pier for a shaggathon. My bird stripped off and I quicky jumped on top of her. At this point she let out the bestest fart I have ever heard. That was it. No chance. I went flat, the rest of the band were aching with laughter, and she pulled up her skidders, got dressed and fucked off never to be seen again.
(
Captn Hood-Butter is not dead yet., Fri 15 Jul 2005, 12:06,
Reply)
Fat peopleExcuses they come up with.
How they don't think there fat.
"I've got a bit of a problem with my knees"
"I would have problems with my knees if I had to carry 10 stone of lard around in a rucksack"
I feel a rant coming on again, time to lie down.
(, Thu 14 Jul 2005, 15:30, Reply)
What have you found in your food/drink that shouldn't have been there?When I was younger my mum poured me some cornflakes which I was about to tuck into before realising there was a rather large, dead fly sitting atop my breakfast.
Something like Phoebe in Friends' 'thumb in a can of coke' would be interesting to hear about. Even better if you partially ate the foreign body before realising it shouldn't actually be there.
(
The Helpful Bear, Wed 13 Jul 2005, 18:17,
Reply)
Soundtrack to your life..I have an 8-track in my head, and under certain circumstances, the same music always pops up unbidden.
Starsky and Hutch for car parks; Two Tribes by FGTH, when I'm On A Mission, as in the Supergrass episode of The Comic Strip (Rob Coltrane with a huge chainsaw in a tuba case, striding across the harbour). I have managed to delete Radar Love whilst driving, due to excessive pointage.
Any more soundtracks, apart from Bolero, of course.
(, Sun 10 Jul 2005, 22:24, Reply)
Best Person EverWho is the best person you have ever met or know of and why
(, Sun 10 Jul 2005, 0:33, Reply)
funkieHave an open page so new or long time members can put something down relating to a previous QOTW that they might have missed or can now add something to.
(, Thu 7 Jul 2005, 17:58, Reply)
QoTwI have lots of things i keep secret/discrete about...and on an occaision people find them out and it surprises them cos it goes completley against the image i portray (or try to!) now.....
Wot secrets or hidden naughties do all us B3TA ers have that would seriously get us into trouble/shock others
(, Thu 7 Jul 2005, 14:24, Reply)
Flying.I just flew from LA to Heathrow, and, as I'm terrified of flying it was a surprisingly brilliant flight.
I spent the morning before depature watching plane crash documentaries.
Tell us your horrifying airplane moments.
(
Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Thu 7 Jul 2005, 1:49,
Reply)
Old Man GrumbleWhat things are you ashamed of getting annoyed about, because they are the kind of things you imagine should only get up the noses of old people?
I, ahem, hate drivers who don't indicate when they should.
first post - woo!
(, Wed 6 Jul 2005, 5:49, Reply)
What simple thing makes you feel Life Is Good?Having a non-stop drive getting all the green lights is one way of guaranteeing I feel all happy and blessed. I also really get all overwhelmed with the goodness of life when I realise the day is my own, with no requirement to anyone to be somewhere or do something. What little things make your day just the best?
(
Shazzoir Old enough to know better young enough not to care, Fri 1 Jul 2005, 5:18,
Reply)
Restaurant baitingSomething along the lines of stuff you've done in a restaurant to be annoying. Like the time I screamed "beefs" at the poor sod on the drive thru at McDonalds.
(, Fri 24 Jun 2005, 9:46, Reply)
Tell us about.....Interesting imitations or actions you can do with your body parts. I had a mate who would grab the base of his bollocks and squeezed them until they ballooned. He'd then draw two eyes on them and wander around asking everyone if they wanted to see ET
(, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 12:53, Reply)
secrets about other people (you think) only you know....or : things you'd like to do but are to afraid to do.
... while serching for pron i for instance found very nsfw piccies of a friend i lost touch with on abbywinters.com (nsfw)
i think no one else knows.
i'm still wondering what to do about it. tell her i know... send her mates... blackmail her (she didn't screw me over or anything. but she is closer to an ex-mate of mine who turned out a twunt - maybe i can get back to him and send him the pics with her reply to addess... his wife would love that i'm sure)... just say "hello, long time no see"...
suggestions to bierbelly-at-gmail-dot-com
ta.
(
bierbelly, Thu 23 Jun 2005, 12:47,
Reply)
Craziest drug experienceHaving matured into a sensible adult person I enjoyed my youth by not doing drugs but mostly watching other people.. Once such experience was my friend who soon after watching Terminator 2 then (unbeknown to him) digested a entire swiss roll laced with LSD tabs and saw Eastbourne vapourize in its rightful glory.
What has been your craziest drug experience ? (Personal or observed)
(, Wed 22 Jun 2005, 23:51, Reply)
Experiences......you wish that you had tried years and years ago!
(, Thu 16 Jun 2005, 15:40, Reply)
The Most Interesting Thing You Have StolenForget Traffic Cones and Garden Gnomes, what wild things have you stolen over the years from people.
(, Mon 13 Jun 2005, 19:16, Reply)
As a result of a horrible time I had on Saturday . . .Ask people about their worst public transport journeys. I think the mix of beggars, headphone twats, fat people and shouting maniacs can make for some truly interesting experiences. And you'll get to hear some of my classic District Line stories . . .
(, Mon 13 Jun 2005, 18:46, Reply)
Things you shouldn't have said to your bossAt a works do, I called my boss a tight cnut for not buying everyone a round.
On another occasion, my boss told me he was a Man Utd fan - cue me rambling drunkenly about how all Man U fans were glory hunters who knew nothing about football. Got sacked within the week.
How have you insulted your boss?
(, Fri 10 Jun 2005, 17:42, Reply)
Sex with colleaguesSubject says it all, really.
In my case, there's a long, boring story about being jumped in a lift by a woman 20 years my senior at a staff do.
Pose the question, and I shall answer!
(, Thu 9 Jun 2005, 4:25, Reply)
People Over Whom I've Been SickWhen I was fifteen I once (well many times actually) got completely bladdered on rum and black. Woke up the next morning feeling a tad under the weather. Having decided that there was no way I was going to make it to the bog I decided it was best that I throw up out of my bedroom window which was directly over the front door. Unfortunately the milkman was just leaving our morning pinta at the time. He never delivered to us again.
On another occasion I threw up in someone's duffelcoat hood. Thankfully he was a student so it doesn't really count as a misdemeanour.
Sadly the milkman is now a dieing breed and so the opportunity to vomit on them has dwindled considerably.
(, Wed 8 Jun 2005, 15:56, Reply)
Good Film IdeasDid you ever have an idea for a really good plot for a film? I've always thought that they should do a documentary on cheese-making. I'm an underappreciated genius. Are you? Recount your plot, in all its glory.
(, Tue 7 Jun 2005, 21:45, Reply)
Question Topic"What was the stupidest thing you saw your Mother Do?"
Face it. When we're young, our parents often tell us how they're wise and how we should follow their example . So when they slip up, it often gave me a smug satisfaction. So, how low did they go in your experience?
(, Tue 7 Jun 2005, 19:11, Reply)
Well known phrases-ishWhat well known phrases do you or people around you consistently get wrong.
A friend of my mum once told me that her neighbour "gets right up my goat". Surely she should report him to the police.
(, Tue 7 Jun 2005, 13:52, Reply)
MumsEverybodies mum has said or done something that has been embarrassing for your mum or for you.
My mum randomly starts line-dancing whenever she hears music, regardless of the location. Plus she regularly mishears song lyrics or anything her progeny have said, often with hilarious consequences.
What weird/plain stupid things does your mum do?
(, Mon 6 Jun 2005, 16:11, Reply)
Most inappropriate analogy you've ever usedFor example, a couple of days my Branch manager described me as being very versative to which I responded "I'm like a Swiss Army knife, red with bits that stick out". Well the women in the branch found this hilarious. I, on the other hand, didn't.
(
Uncle Tom I command thee to wibble, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 19:09,
Reply)
Lost in TranslationFauz pas caused by not speaking another language. My wife is Spanish and when I first met her parents they put on a very nice lunch. I spoke no spanish at the time and got by with pointing, laughing and drinking too much. At the end of the meal my mother-in-law-to-be asked if I'd enjoyed the meal. My wife-to-be translated. I stood up and declared, "That was such a nice meal I'm goig to go back to my room and masdurbate!". I smiled and left the table. The problem..? My wife-to-be mentioned the Spanish word for "masdurbate" is... "masdurbate". How would you feel if your youngest daughters boyfriend had called your lovingly prepared meal wank?
We're still married. My in-laws don't speak to me. I like this arrangement.
(, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 10:44, Reply)
"That's just not you..."What is something shocking, crazy, and totally out of character that you are just dying to do?
Although I am very much against legalizing pot, I would love to have a hemp 3-piece suit just for kicks. I'd also love to tour the British Isles on motorcycle, even though I hate the damned things (motorcycles, that is, not the Isles). :-p
(
setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Wed 25 May 2005, 14:44,
Reply)
Concert / festival mishapsWith the summer festival season nearly here I want to know what people have got up to in previous years. Arrested at glastonbury, Passed out at V?, Annoyed a biker gang at download?
Lets hear your Festival stories.
(
Terry Oblong There's nobody here but us chickens on, Wed 25 May 2005, 10:27,
Reply)
Educate me...How about any just plain awful school moments or things you've subjected crappy substitute teachers too?
After months of speculation, our delightful physics teacher confirmed our suspicions...
Physics teacher; Good afternoon class.
Class; *Not listening*
PT; We'll be doing work on sound waves today, now split yourselves up so I can TOUCH you all seperately.
There is no way that you can regain control of 30 15 year olds after that, some may say, freudian slip. He 'retired' shortly after this incident.
This teacher was rumoured to have been fired from a posh school for getting to close to little boys so they thought it appropriate to send him to our shitty state school... Thanx.
(
Argh. There be scallys in the ranks., Tue 24 May 2005, 15:46,
Reply)
Practical jokes in work place!!Should be loads of funny responses and it will give me more great ideas to amuse myself at work and annoy my work collegues!!!
Examples of practical jokes I've used so far in my career:
1/Fill peoples bags with objects you find lying around ie. reels of wire. Its even funnier if you do it really blatently like try and shove a chair in it!!!
2/Put really heavy weights in overalls or coats when they are hung up on pegs - its so funny when they lift them off!!!
3/Also call backs from websites such as morethan!! Enter funny names, hours of amusment!
That should get your juices flowing!! ; )
First post yay - appologies about length, although being as its my first post I wanted to get my money's worth!
(, Mon 23 May 2005, 19:38, Reply)
If I Ruled the WorldAs Lord High Caesar of the Universe and Managing Director of Earth Inc, what would be the first thing that you did (aside from have a stiff drink, that is)? What physical law would you change? What social custom or legal matter would you instigate or abolish? Who would you resurrect from the dead? Who would you do away with in a foul and grisly manner?
Remember that power corrupts and that absolute power corrupts absolutely.
(
Parmesan Quality b4 Quantity, Sat 21 May 2005, 2:47,
Reply)
BanksToday I discovered that my bank took 300 pounds from my account and instead of paying off my credit card with it, like I'd asked them to, er, lost it.
What else have banks done to us knowing full well we're too lazy to move accounts elsewhere?
(, Fri 20 May 2005, 15:21, Reply)
Embarrassing moments when you've broken windWe've all done it, you've just let a hot nasty one slip in the canteen when the office babe comes up to you for the first time to say hello. You're out on a first date and as you push the movie goes quiet. In a job interview, during sex, at a library, the proctologist, a sneeze that was also a fart....everyone has a really embarrassing and normally amusing fart story.
(
sneep used to date Freddie Starr's hamster, Wed 18 May 2005, 12:55,
Reply)
Ever said something about somebody when you didn't realise they were standing behing you..?Happened at work, someone parked their car over two spaces (pet hate of mine), went in and looked at the visitors book to see who it was.
Got into our office, loudly saying 'Who is that twunt John Smith* who has parked like an arse?'.
Cue colleague....'Would you like to meet John Smith*?'.....
And he was fairly high up in the company.
Mind you not as bad as a colleague (you know who you are....) in our London office, someone phone kept ringing every 30 seconds, he shouts 'Will you turn that funking phone off'..and turns round to see it is the UK Managing Director....how we laughed all the way to Casualty.
Apologies for needless girth etc....
(, Sun 15 May 2005, 21:39, Reply)
Rubbishwhat's your favourite type of printer, and why?
(I realise this type of "joke" must have been done about once every page so I apologise, couldn't help myself).
Serious considerations (and again I apologise if they have already been mentioned, don't have time or inclination to read through all 40+ pages):
- Worst experience with children
- "" exams
- Best Lie (we're not talking golf)
- What amuses you but realy shouldn't (although may be too similar to guilty pleasures)
- Have you ever pretended to be someone you're not
(, Sun 8 May 2005, 20:14, Reply)
Your Little QuirksWeird thimngs you have/do/are that no one else you know has/does/is. For example I am one of 3 left-handed children born to 2 right-handed parents (hugely unlikely), I can make noises by drumming on the spaces between my knuckles and I can shoot laser beams out of my armpits.
(, Sat 7 May 2005, 20:01, Reply)
...Crazy things you've done to try and get the girl / boy you're after. Did it work???
(, Wed 4 May 2005, 4:00, Reply)
Really ironic events.Last week at work I was moving glass bottles off a trolley, so they wouldn't fall off and shatter, when one falls off, shatters and slices my finger open. While wrapping up the glass shards so they don't hurt anyone, a shard punches through the wrapping and punctures my thumb. I then decide to put the shards in a cardboard box, which gives me a goddamn papercut. Then some boxes fell on my head.
tell us the most ironic thing that's happened to you recently.
(
Labmonkey last thought about having another coffee on, Wed 27 Apr 2005, 21:33,
Reply)
how did you meet your partnerI'd just finished setting up the gear for a gig in a pub and had sat down for a pint, the bar was very busy and we were surrounded by students, after a while I noticed my right leg was getting rather hot so I looks down and finds the leg of my very tattered jeans well ablaze and Gwennie sitting there with a lighter looking all innocent, she moved in with me 3 days later, that was about 22 yrs ago
(
Dill, Fri 22 Apr 2005, 18:51,
Reply)
Stuff you can't help but look at...Working in an open plan office, I can't help but look at people when they start whispering (possibly my paranoia). Others include:
A flash of ladies underwear (even if I know they'll catch me!)
Motorists playing very loud/crap music.
A fight.
Dogs having a poo.
What do you find catches your eye?
(, Thu 21 Apr 2005, 15:37, Reply)
How about...When you've been flabbergasted by complete and utter stupidity/ignorance, either your own or of those around you. For example, I used to think that Penzance was in France or somwhere. It sounds foreignny, doesn't it? I've only lived in the uk for a couple of years so I think I deserve to be forgiven, I'm normally reasonably sharp.
(, Tue 19 Apr 2005, 9:01, Reply)
how aboutthings you keep losing. i for example keep losing bottle tops, only for them to apper when i'm not looking for them, the bastards.
(
the.jokl @jonksson, Fri 15 Apr 2005, 0:54,
Reply)
The most pain ever to be inflicted on your testicles.I remember sitting down really forcefully in the middle of a lesson a few years back at school. Nuts got themselves under my legs and were crushed like a grape under a german lady. Ouch.
(
Naive Amoeba Bored Cig, Thu 14 Apr 2005, 22:26,
Reply)
MehThe stuff you should have admitted to, but didnt Just cos its more fun that way.And you may get into trouble if you do.
(, Sun 10 Apr 2005, 20:57, Reply)
Most unfortunate sexual incident you've hadthis would include various injuries (check), various discoveries and overhearings by authority figures (check) various fluids being splattered on various parents beds (err...check)
(, Wed 6 Apr 2005, 23:48, Reply)
What do you regret chickening out of?I foolishly stopped a book being published with the best typo ever on the cover "kunt" instead of "kunst".
Every day since I really wish I had left it on, even if there had been lots of trouble, I would always know I was responsible for the Kuntbook. Curse my conscience..
(, Tue 5 Apr 2005, 19:50, Reply)
public transportI was once on the tube and the overly friendly man opposite struck up a conversation with me about the size of the bag that i was carrying... (please bear in mind YOU DO NOT SPEAK TO ANYONE ON THE TUBE - WE ARE BRITISH!)...as I was saying he was chatting away and I was giving short non-commital answers when he felt the need to tell me he'd been commited. Which was nice.
(, Tue 5 Apr 2005, 14:40, Reply)
Got an annoying mate?The actual question is:
"Whats the worst thing you have ever done to a mate who is actually a prat, only no one actually likes him and he's never got the hint?"
I once got a lady friend of mine to text my mate the night he went back to Uni in Manchester, knowing he had been trying his luck for weeks. The txt was something simple like 'sry i missed u, we will shag nxt time ure over' but true to form this guy got the txt did a 180 degree turn and flew straight back home, only to walk in on my lady friend shagging a 17 yr old!
Cruel but it was worth it
(
Bamboo Steamer, Tue 5 Apr 2005, 0:20,
Reply)
School thingies!What is your fondest memory of your school days?
Did you have a teacher that you made cry, was there a silly game you used to play which eventually meant Billy could no longer walk? his would be a great question.
(, Sun 3 Apr 2005, 14:36, Reply)
Incest !!!We've all got a sexy cousin or aunty we fancy - ever done something about it ?
Ever seen a family member in the act or starkers ?
(
dogfish, Fri 1 Apr 2005, 9:24,
Reply)
Stupid colleaguesHave you ever worked with someone that are so obscenely stupid, that you're just waiting to read them on the Darwin awards?
I used to work at a ticketing agency, and when I asked the girl at the front desk to copy a list of daily bookings, she said she couldn't because the monitor wasn't close enough to the photocopier.
I had to quit because the valium wasn't working.
(, Sat 26 Mar 2005, 21:56, Reply)
What's the weirdest place you've ever been?and that's open to any interpretation...
(
BobbyParadise, Thu 24 Mar 2005, 17:47,
Reply)
What's your best pet memory?Inspired by Sheep's recent FP...
I got my dog when he was about two pounds, the size of an average zucchini. Being a small beast he got picked up and held a lot as a puppy.
To the end he thought he was a lapdog, ignoring that he was a German shepherd/husky mix.
So one night as I was watching TV he decides he wants to be on my lap. No problem when I was on the couch, but I happened to be in a rocking chair at the time. It took a lot of wriggling, but he was content to sit on me while I watched TV.
I think my kids still have the picture my ex took of me sitting there with ninety pounds of dirtbag on my lap...
(
The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Wed 23 Mar 2005, 0:54,
Reply)
Biggest idiot on friendsrunitedSuch as this. I'm suspecting he's a serial killer.
www.friendsreunited.co.uk/FriendsReunited.asp?wci=otherprofile&member_key=6803738
(, Tue 22 Mar 2005, 15:08, Reply)
Jokes only you think are funnyJoel Hodgeson of "Mystery Science Theater 3000" once said they never write a joke wondering who's going to get it. They write a joke knowing the right people will get it. Does something crack you up each time, but the right people never seem to appear to get it? Perhaps the right people are B3tans. Try it out on us.
We'll laugh politely anyways...
(
setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Wed 16 Mar 2005, 19:55,
Reply)
run away! run away!my vote goes to for a "best/worst fight you've had"
whatever type, verbal or physical
anyone who disagrees gets a smack in the face.
(
umbongo I vote for Evil Lu as Mayor of /talk, Fri 11 Mar 2005, 12:03,
Reply)
funny tvWhat's the most surreal thing you've seen on tv? Might have been some weird kid's program, or strange channel 4 documentary.
My brother will swear down that, early one morning, he was watching kid's tv (he's 18) and there was this thing teaching you how to count: five children in a car. The car crashed, and it was gently explained that there were only two kids left because the others had died.
(, Thu 10 Mar 2005, 19:33, Reply)
Jokes?What offensive jokes have you told that actually offended someone?
An example:
"How many Vietnam veterans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?"
"You don't know, man, you weren't there!"
There was a Vietnam vet sitting at the table. Can you do better?
(, Thu 3 Mar 2005, 18:46, Reply)
Gay-dar malfunctionsHas anyone ever thought you were gay (or if you're gay, has anyone thought you were strait) with sit-com-esque results?
I could get a Brian!
(
setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Wed 2 Mar 2005, 17:38,
Reply)
Arrghhh!How about `What corporate buzzword or phrase makes you want to kill the speaker?'
(, Tue 1 Mar 2005, 23:12, Reply)
Your first timeWhen was the first time you experienced pornography, and what was your reaction?
Were you appalled (eeeww, gross!), intrigued (I feel funny but I like it!), psychologically scarred (OMG, do my parents do this?!), instantly addicted (MORE DAMMIT I NEED ME SOME MORE!!)?
(, Tue 22 Feb 2005, 1:20, Reply)
Bestest celebrity insults?Surely everyone has managed to piss off a minor celebrity somewhere?
One of the Atomic Kitten in Whsmiths... I told her to get fecked... (not very good but she looked pissed off and it cheered up my day!)
(, Mon 21 Feb 2005, 16:43, Reply)
Chav speakWhats the strangest insult a chav has ever thrown at you? For example, while working in sainsburys I caught a couple of spides (chavs in N.Ireland) shoplifting, as I threw them out I was told to:
"away stick a ticket in a helicpoter!"
and was told I was a:
"week reely jazzy jeff donkey!"
Anyone else?
(
Bamboo Steamer, Fri 18 Feb 2005, 10:23,
Reply)
sleepingwhat events have you accidentally slept through? i myself slept through most of 1987...
(, Tue 15 Feb 2005, 8:11, Reply)
TelemarketersOh those annoying people that seem to call you at the worse times..what do you say to them...besides hang up?
(, Sun 13 Feb 2005, 7:34, Reply)
The Biggest Lie You've Ever Told (and gotten away with)or
Secret Confessions of B3tans
or
How To Cheat At Life (shortcuts which make life a little easier) - because life is hard and I'm sure some people cheat a bit.
(, Fri 11 Feb 2005, 21:46, Reply)
I think worst/best/funniest encounters with drugs.Knowing all you lot, we'd get 70+ pages of them.
(
Naive Amoeba Bored Cig, Thu 10 Feb 2005, 16:37,
Reply)
The alternative cookbook...What's the weirdest thing you've actually prepared and eaten, for a dare, or just because "it seemed like a good idea at the time.."
Point to note: vodka, pineapple yoghurt and sweetcorn relish (an afterthought) do not go nice together on cornflakes.
(
MCQ Cartoons n' shit: bagowank.com, Tue 8 Feb 2005, 18:46,
Reply)
I dumped my missus last night,...So went on the piss and ate meat for the first time in a year (after going veggie to pander to her whims).
As a consequence, my guts are in an uproar - so, everyone,...
What's the worst/most embarrasing shit you've ever had?
(
Grouch would quite like his clients to stop being numptys, Fri 4 Feb 2005, 10:10,
Reply)
Wanky colleaguesAt work, I sit next to quite possibly the most obnxious man ever spawned.
Despite being in his 50s and less attractive than a sea cow, he moonlights as a male escort. It turns out he's only ever had two requests for his 'services' - both of whom failed to turn up (it turns out they were both set up by a fellow workmate, who hid round the corner in hysterics).
I want to know about the sub-human species YOU work with, so I know others are sharing my pain.
(, Thu 3 Feb 2005, 15:09, Reply)
What was your first Internet experience like?It was surreal for me...
(, Wed 2 Feb 2005, 4:53, Reply)
It has absolutley gotta be...Which superpowers would you like to have??
Personally, I would like a nice shiny set of mind bullets (you know...the type that can kill a yak from 200 yards away!)
(, Tue 1 Feb 2005, 11:37, Reply)
have you ever successfully put the blame on someone else?
and how bad had you been?
what is the best legal high you've encountered?
big points for those not involving drugs
are any parts of your body more famous than the whole of you?
when did you realise you couldn't sink any lower?
what's your most pathetic phobia?
(
mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Thu 27 Jan 2005, 13:42,
Reply)
Excuses, excuses.What's the most elaborate, far-fetched, or inspired excuse you've ever got away with?
(, Fri 21 Jan 2005, 9:55, Reply)
I See Dead People - They've Got Coins on the EyesClosest approach to death (without crossing over) ever brought about by one's stupidity.
(, Thu 20 Jan 2005, 22:27, Reply)
Suggestion to counter the "ignorance" questions high proportion of American idiots..."How I made myself an idiot of myself abroad"
(, Thu 20 Jan 2005, 16:34, Reply)
Ultimate fantasy......maybe it's seeing a celebrity buggered by a hippo?
(, Mon 17 Jan 2005, 16:50, Reply)
Dark family secretslike my grans secret lesbianism
also Mistafeesh
my drummer's mum's cousin's cousin is Rick Parfitt of teh quo fame
(
Brown cow, Fri 14 Jan 2005, 15:58,
Reply)
Stupid claims to H-list celeb statusFor example, my cousins God-father is Gerry Anderson, and Saddam Hussein once took my granny out to dinner.
Surely that should get me a place in celeb big brother?
What stupid claims to faim do you enjoy?
(, Fri 14 Jan 2005, 11:47, Reply)
Childhood geniusThose under the age of 10 have an incredible ability to amuse and amaze with the things they say.
eg.
My son (4) recently told me that lipstick was poisonous for boys.
Question of the week - "Childhood genius - things you've heard kids say"
(, Mon 10 Jan 2005, 13:40, Reply)
You have..managed to succesfully kidnap a celebrity of your choosing. In your possession you have a roll of masking tape, an avocado, 3 HB Pencils and one hour. What are you going to do next?
(, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 16:41, Reply)
What's the closest you've ever come to getting killed?Friend of mine in the RAF dropped a nuclear weapon once. on his foot. off a trolley. It didn't detonate.
Of course, that's classified...
(, Fri 7 Jan 2005, 13:04, Reply)
Psychos I Have Known.Where to start? For some reason I always end up getting off with total nutters. My last GF was a fantastic person until she had a drink. Then she tirned into the bunny-boiler from hell.... I've lost count of the number of times she's attacked me, tried to stab me, made long, rambling drunken phone calls in the middle of the night. Thank God I dumped her and moved to another town to avoid her.
Strangely, there's a number of other girls like this in my past - especially the Chardonnay-Monster.....
(
Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Wed 5 Jan 2005, 15:34,
Reply)
betMost money lost / won on a bet.
Stupidiest bet you ever accepted.
(, Tue 4 Jan 2005, 21:50, Reply)
Work blagsHaving just managed to get a new job with a semi made-up CV, I think b3ta should ask people what their biggest work blags have been. :)
I bet there’s a lot of people out there who’ve got away with massive porkies in the office. Go on, it’s a New Year -‘fess up!
(, Tue 4 Jan 2005, 14:17, Reply)
what is the best legal high you've encountered?big points for those not involving drugs
(
mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Fri 31 Dec 2004, 8:13,
Reply)
when did you realise you couldn't sink any lower?(
mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Fri 31 Dec 2004, 8:11,
Reply)
what's your most pathetic phobia?(
mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Fri 31 Dec 2004, 8:09,
Reply)
Best school prankWhats the craziest thing you ever did in your youth at school?
(
Green Spanner and his magical lack of activity, Wed 15 Dec 2004, 16:39,
Reply)
the best childhood memorychildhood. you only get it once so what's the best memory you've got of it? From classroom capers to full blown chaos. Tell us what you did as a child.
(, Tue 7 Dec 2004, 21:48, Reply)
Nuttiest thing you ate (for money or for hunger)I once ate a Cows eyeball for 5 pounds.
What about you?
(, Sat 4 Dec 2004, 22:06, Reply)
hallucinationsthis past week, i went 4 entire days and nights without sleep (damn end of term). after awhile, i began seeing things (like you do). at one point, i was convinced that the wrinkles of my pants were in fact mice, who just wouldn't let go for some reason. the sad part is that i talked to them for some time, trying to convince them that mice are meant to run around freely, and not hang like bats off of people's clothing. i was expecting a response, but none came - i suppose that's for the best.
anyway, i wonder what sort of things b3tans hallucinate?
(, Sat 4 Dec 2004, 22:02, Reply)
SickiesMost outrageous excuse for a sickie ever heard - did they / you get caught/sacked/kicked shitless?
(
Fire & Forget it's the only way to be sure, Wed 1 Dec 2004, 23:12,
Reply)
Obese kiddiesApparently the youth of this country is getting fatter. But how much fatter? Are there times when you've had to hold in laughter/puke when catching sight of a 15 stone 12 year old?
(
Green Spanner and his magical lack of activity, Sat 27 Nov 2004, 22:40,
Reply)
Whywrite in about why you think no-one ever takes your suggestions for "question of the week"
how meny posts does it take god-dammit!!
(
willenium Fist bump for verification, Fri 26 Nov 2004, 23:03,
Reply)
Sleep Talking/WalkingWhat amusing experiences have you had with sleep talkers/walkers?
I once awoke at 4am to find my sister standing over me insisting I move over so she could get into my bed.
An argument insued as I, quite reasonably, refused to comply. This resulted in her storming out of my bedroom because I was being 'unreasonable'.
Naturally she remembered nothing the next day and no one believes me. Sigh.
(, Fri 26 Nov 2004, 11:46, Reply)
what have you broke?a few months ago I managed to scrape a number of parts of my G4's motherboard. it still works but my hard drive appeared corrupted and it randomly crashed, it only needs a bit of soldering... Whopse
What have you broken?
(, Wed 24 Nov 2004, 21:35, Reply)
Unfortunate/Badly Timed RealisationsAs in...a commonly used phrase / word / joke etc that, for some odd reason, you have just heard the wrong way and spent your entire life with a firm grasp on the wrong end of the stick...then, in the most embarrassing moment possible, you decide to pipe up with this little gem only to be greeted with a stony silence follwed by much laughter and derision...allow me to offer an example:
I was, by some fluke, actually succeeding in coming across as relatively intelligent and witty in a conversation with a girl I *really* fancied...everything was going swimmingly she was laughing at all my terrible jokes and happily listening to all my wise waffle...then, for a reason I forget, the phrase "hoist by their own petards" came up and she said "y'know i've always wondered what a petard is?" to which I respond "ah that's easy, they're those things like aprons that people wear"...silence...she says "don't you mean tabards?"...*sigh*...bugger.
(
The Reverend Lord Lizard, Tue 23 Nov 2004, 17:43,
Reply)
Squirrels v BadgersI remember how Queen Elizabeth II's coronation was somewhat marred by a debate at the time; who would win in a fight, a squirrel or a badger. To settle the dispute, at our coronation street party, we held a squirrel v badger fight. Needless to say, the badger won. He ripped the head off that bushy tailed rat, then urinated down his neck.
Do any other B3tans have stories about fights? Not just ones about wildlife, domestic animals too. Or people. Or people v animals. Etc.
(
baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 23 Nov 2004, 13:14,
Reply)
racial slurs are demeaning and offensive......except for 'pikey', which is erudite and hilarious. Discuss.
Extra points for explaining why calling people chavs is similarly big and clever.
(, Sun 21 Nov 2004, 11:36, Reply)
Claims to fameDid your Granny go to school with Richard Wilson, or did your friends sister go out with Dane Bowers from Another Level?
No, me either, but why are you nearly famous?
(, Thu 11 Nov 2004, 15:04, Reply)
getting the sack has great comedy potentialI once lost a classroom assistant job after yelling at the lid I was lloking after in front of the OFTED inspectors. Tell us interesting and fun way's you've lost jobs.
(, Thu 11 Nov 2004, 8:13, Reply)
Underage MisdemeanoursC'mon, we've all done it. From underage drinking, sex, smoking and driving to that time you sneaked into an 18 when you were really only 14!
It's got a wide scope, and everybody's done it at one point or another. Plus, there's the potential for hilarity in its purest form: laughing at the inexperienced!
(, Mon 8 Nov 2004, 19:49, Reply)
Discovered SexWhat's the most embarrasing place and/or situation you've been caught having sex?
(
Father_Ted Drink!, Fri 5 Nov 2004, 15:12,
Reply)
most disgusting habitsPeople you know with habits that make you feel ill.
Like my former housemate. I love to have a bath at least once a day. Our shower is above the bath. One drunken night he revealed that he shits in the shower on a regular basis and pushes it down the drain with his toe... I had been splashing away in his shitty leftovers for months!
(, Thu 4 Nov 2004, 1:07, Reply)
How have you abused your position?When I was at uni I worked for the union at one of the bigger bars. On my 21st birthday I got so drunk that I threw up on an unsuspecting (and totally innocent) couple. Before the bloke could give me the sound thrashing I deserved 2 bouncers picked him and his girlfriend up and ejected them from the property...before coming back and buying me a drink I did not need!
When has your position allowed you to get away with something you simply shouldn't have?
(, Wed 3 Nov 2004, 13:33, Reply)
qotwnear death experiences. like the time when i was three years old, growing up on the farm, and my dad ran me over with a tractor.
(, Mon 1 Nov 2004, 10:45, Reply)
Awkward losses of virginityAnd let's face it, they all are. Not sure if someone's already posted this but I don't have the time to read through 25 pages of posts. Who am I kidding, of course I do, and I'll read them all right now.
Aaaanyyywaaaaay, mine involves "herbal Ecstasy" tablets and a waterbed. *the shame*
Edit: I vote for Trogdor-lover's idea! You could also do a whole section on bastard landlords (although mine bought me booze last night! Finally found an awesome landlord! Woo!).
(, Tue 26 Oct 2004, 11:45, Reply)
Most stupid thing anyone has ever said to youCan't believe this hasn't been done already TBH.
My own contribution would be the idiotic girl from East Lahndahn I met on the Trans-Siberian who actually managed two:
"I cahn't wait to gah to Moscah to visit Einstein's grave. Strange they'd bury him there, tha, considering he worked for America." (I had to point out that it was probably Eisenstein who was buried in Moscow)
"I knaw why the Chinese hate the Japanese, it's because they used nukes on em, init?"(I left this one alone, like me she'd been living in China for a year at this point so I figured she was beyond help)
(, Sun 24 Oct 2004, 12:57, Reply)
BlackmailWe've all used blackmail to get our own way at one time or another. Tell us how you've blackmailed people in the past.
When I was an infant of but a few years, I threatened my mother that if she didn't comply with my requests, I'd break her finger. I didn't break it... but by god did I try...
(, Thu 14 Oct 2004, 11:29, Reply)
The best practical joke you've ever playedEveryone does these- from the heartless and harsh to the ones where they won't kill you...
The most recent for myself was when I went over to a pal's house last week for feeding and beer. He had mounds of food, but only two bottles of beer. So, we decided to start on his flatmate's beer instead as he had about 50 bottles of right tasty brew.
Having drunk an inordinate amount, we then brewed up some cold tea and refilled and recapped about 2 dozen.
His flatmate's invited us over for Friday so we can try this rather tasty stuff. Somehow I don't think it'll be a good idea.
The harshest one we've done was when a bloke who always crashes house parties, drinks all the best booze and then passes out and snores like a bastard crashed our man Big C's flat warming.
Big C is gay (but really cool and not camp) so we moved the snoring bastard into his bed, and taking a condom and some mayonaise proceeded to poke them into his butt crack.
In the morning Big C wandered in, gave him a cup of tea and thanked him.
(, Mon 11 Oct 2004, 13:26, Reply)
Really crap school duties/projects/plays/parts in playsI was a prefect, and it was my duty to make sure no students entered the carrers library which was locked and closed on the days i was there.
Or stupid reasons you got into trouble.
My french teacher hated me even though I was one of those good kids in the class. She gave me detentions for missing one out of 15 questions in my homework, just for being there, reading with my elbow proped on the table (she promptly taked to me like a baby saying i was having a nap making the class of chavs and bullies laugh at me) and when everyone else left she gave me a detention. Oh and also backing my book with christmas paper cause she hated christmas.
Fuck it, lets talk about worst Teachers and bosses!
(
Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Thu 30 Sep 2004, 21:38,
Reply)
Tight BastardsStories about the people you know and the lengths they'll go to - just to save a couple of cents...
(, Thu 30 Sep 2004, 2:59, Reply)
Nearly caught on the jobPeoples experiences of the closest they have come to being discovered doing "The wild Thing" with someone they shouldn't have been with.
A few years ago, after moving away from our native town, one of my wifes best friends came to visit.There had been some "previous" encounters before we moved away between me and her mate.
Anyway,when my wife left the house to go to the childrens school for a meeting,leaving aforementioned friend in my company, we retired upstairs, leaving the small children downstairs, for a "good to see you again " Blowjob.Things had just got to the interesting stage when my wife returned unexpectedly.
In an instant she was back in the house, and coming up the stairs.At this point I came out of the bathroom, doing up jeans as fast as I could, asking her what she had come back early for, and politely pushing her back down the stairs, leaving her friend still in the bathroom cleaning up her face of copious amounts of my love yoghurt.
(, Wed 29 Sep 2004, 14:52, Reply)
Hows about...Most treasured childhood posession which was tragically destroyed by accident or on purpose?
(
wigstar, Tue 28 Sep 2004, 12:52,
Reply)
How aboutmost embarrasing animal related incident - there was a monkey at cleethorpes zoo that would masturbate vigorously every time mrs badger walked past the cage, never saw it do it to anybody else though! Jokes about her looking like a baboons ar$e were not very well received.
Just remembered - she also sat up in bed one morning asking if i could hear the owl outside the window - curtains open to reveal a pigeon!
(, Tue 28 Sep 2004, 11:45, Reply)
Pot stories!Stories about using bud, dope, hash, weed, whatever. Would make a good story though!
(, Tue 28 Sep 2004, 3:01, Reply)
Oooh....What about the first time you ever got drunk??
Surely everyone remembers stealing 20/20, sherry and lovage out o the parents' drinks cupboard?
(, Sat 25 Sep 2004, 17:13, Reply)
excrutiating childhood memories...what's the worsestestest childhood memory you can remember in your life? and explain in full gory detail!
(, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 12:46, Reply)
Why you don't work THERE anymore...Appualing behaviour resulting in sackings, piss-poor redundancy deals and excuses, Handing your notice in with a gift-wrapped pooh etc. etc. etc.
(, Fri 24 Sep 2004, 10:26, Reply)
whats the most embarrasing think you've done whilst drunk?Drunken nights out disaters.
(, Tue 21 Sep 2004, 18:27, Reply)
Things I've said about people not realising they were there.Including "Paul Sadd - that's an unfortunate name."
I nearly died.
...and my soul is cleansed.
(
dbond, Sat 18 Sep 2004, 10:53,
Reply)
Verbal Blunders.Surprised we haven't done this already really. My freind once remarked, "J'wobwob!" See, you want the full story now.
(, Mon 13 Sep 2004, 19:04, Reply)
"that could only have happened to you" storiesor just to piss people off
"you should have been there" stories
(, Fri 3 Sep 2004, 19:57, Reply)
comically twisted sayings...My mum had a great one.. "like a kick in the teeth with a wet kipper"
Yes mother, I'm sure it was... Now take the pink pills
(, Tue 31 Aug 2004, 17:19, Reply)
What is your most hated/loved festival momentEver had anything inexplicably brilliant happen, Or something that makes you so angry you could barf
(, Wed 25 Aug 2004, 0:22, Reply)
describe the most embarrasing photo of you in existenceand can you remember it being taken?
(
mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Mon 23 Aug 2004, 18:29,
Reply)
Who has been the biggestw**ker you've worked with and why?
(
Penile, Mon 23 Aug 2004, 17:02,
Reply)
What's your favourite wanking technique?Probably been said already.
edit: fixed grammar.
(
mariosoup is the patron saint of quality footwear, Wed 11 Aug 2004, 17:38,
Reply)
What are you ashamed to have on your computer?Or...
What is the one thing no-one you know knows about you?
(
Rev. Cleo still alive, Sun 8 Aug 2004, 21:52,
Reply)
Your all B3taphilesAs far as I can gather, B3ta is entirely populated by people at work who aren't working,
students displacing wildly and people ignoring their significant others. This must have pissed someone's boss/lover/tutor off at some point.
So - what is the worst insult, putdown or low comment you have recieved as a result of being a b3taphile?
(
EasyCheese, Thu 5 Aug 2004, 15:55,
Reply)
The most embarrasing pooeveryone does it, but in a public place, it can be a major stress. WHat's yours?
(
Scoopzilla http://www.slapwatch.com now get to fuck, Wed 4 Aug 2004, 22:27,
Reply)
Best clean jokeIn case someone has to suddenly be best man for a wedding.
Cos I know none.
(
TechImp is trying to be nice (with great difficulty)., Sun 1 Aug 2004, 0:32,
Reply)
How many times have you been caught?How many times doing something you don't want others to know about?
(, Sat 24 Jul 2004, 21:20, Reply)
What was your most awkward/frightening 'wrong no' experience?What was your most awkward/frightening 'wrong no' experience?
Mine personally, was the time a worried old lady rang my house phone at midnight asking to speak to her husband... Whenever i started to explain that i had no idea what on earth show as talking about - she repeatedly burst into tears.... Guilt rose up.... how could i hang up on her?
Then she started talking about her grandchildren between sobbing.
I was truly trapped...
The phone call lasted six minutes... felt like a lifetime.
(, Mon 19 Jul 2004, 3:34, Reply)
What if...you felt a strange pain in your chest and you went to hospital and they x-rayed you and what they initially thought was some sort of tumour turned out to be a parasitc internal miniature Siamese twin...
what would you call him/her?
Or would it be up to your parents to choose a name?
Hm?
(
Mr. Tea 'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh', Thu 15 Jul 2004, 18:51,
Reply)
Best Advice You've Been Givenand why.
E.G. "Don't put your penis where you wouldn't put your hand" (or if you're a mechanic, it would be the other way around).
(
Laughing Boy, Thu 15 Jul 2004, 17:24,
Reply)
What's your favourite useless fact?Things like "Zebras like black and white stripes. If they are painted on a wall, any local zebra will stand next to it."
(
wayward., Mon 12 Jul 2004, 14:44,
Reply)
How about 'Wierdest Job Interview Experience'.I know that I managed to feint in a job interview.
I still got the job over people who actually managed to stay concious throughout theirs.
Also, a friend of mine once had an interview just after his appendix operation. He asked the interviewer if he could remove his trousers, cos they were hurting his operation scar. They let him sit there in his pants for the duration. He also got the job!
(
ArghZombies No longer has a Leaky QUIM, Fri 9 Jul 2004, 11:36,
Reply)
What's the best wind-up you ever played on your siblings?Due to his weird hair - all I used to have to do was call my little bro Ronald Reagan and he'd flip. I'd wait. And wait. And wait and then say "My fellow Americans..." with one hand held forward ala RIP Ronnie.
Many a scrap started that way.
Then he outgrew me by two foot and I got my just desserts.
*Wipes nostalgic tear from eye*
It's nothing, just a bit of dust. Really.
(, Thu 8 Jul 2004, 16:25, Reply)
Just an idea.. .. .ever woken up in the wrong place?
we wnat to know how and where it happened.
(
Munky Boy today I am back., Tue 6 Jul 2004, 12:04,
Reply)
Ever been on a disastrous date?I once dated a girl who blessed my cigarettes with holy water.
At least I hope it was holy water. She had a small plastic spray bottle and did so to "save my soul".
We hadn't even ordered a starter at this point.
Anyone else been caught off guard on a first date?
(, Mon 5 Jul 2004, 10:25, Reply)
I Can't Believe Its Not Butter.My friend confided that his flat mate is going a bit weird.
The other morning he awoke to find 'blobs of butter' smeared on the living room window.
Having just got up and wearing only his boxer shorts, he went to get a tissue and promptly returned to wipe it off.
A man in his pants clutching a tissue didn't look good to the shirtless builders on the otherside of the window.
Suspicious Stain Stories anyone?
(, Thu 1 Jul 2004, 12:49, Reply)
...Sexual Experiments Gone Wrong
Well it kinda speacks for itself....
(, Tue 29 Jun 2004, 17:38, Reply)
something philosophical and yet amusing...like...
If a Kitten meets another Kitten, and yet this Kitten isnt the same Kitten as beforehand. When does the Cheesecake arrive at table three?
(, Mon 28 Jun 2004, 13:44, Reply)
Best Justification forEugenics and or Malthusian techniques - people who are so odd or simply fucked up that they should be taken out of the Gene Pool. Full Stop.
(
Grouch would quite like his clients to stop being numptys, Mon 28 Jun 2004, 12:04,
Reply)
What is........the most surreal moment of your life so far. A situation so weird or bizarre to this day you don't know if it happened.
Now that is a question for ya!!
(, Mon 28 Jun 2004, 10:44, Reply)
veryHow upset were you when there was no question of the week?
did you cry?
(, Sun 27 Jun 2004, 16:41, Reply)
most painful memory attached to a song(
rabid peanut - s'fucking right, Sun 27 Jun 2004, 8:47,
Reply)
Most you've ever eatenin one day
/edit/ Im tired, so im gonna lie down and think up some more crap questions
(, Sat 26 Jun 2004, 20:33, Reply)
funniest thing done while high?now i dont know what happens when you get high as i am 13 so i imagine that it is like getting drunk except for the immense laziness
(, Fri 25 Jun 2004, 4:21, Reply)
Piss StoriesWhere is the most unusual place you have pissed?
I was down in Newquey for a friends birthday a couple of years ago and went out quite early and stayed out very late. Needless to say I was battered.
The only memory I have is standing there in the room we were in starkers and looking at my mates bed... I'd pissed all over her, oops.
So where is the most interesting place you have pissed?
(, Tue 22 Jun 2004, 9:05, Reply)
question of the weekWhat about best hospital stories? I am still reeling from the trauma of listening to an elderly lady have an enema.
(, Mon 21 Jun 2004, 9:13, Reply)
wish u were still doing the dumped threadi got dumped today.
kinda.
3 years we've been together, and he didnt tell me, i was browsing a clubbing message board and found a public announcement that i was dumped...he posted it on tuesday...no wonder he didnt answer my calls :S
Nehow...question of the week...ooh...usmthing about parents...like ur most embarresing parent moment (b4 or after they had you)
(, Sat 19 Jun 2004, 23:09, Reply)
ImpressiveThe most elaborate lie you've told impress a member of the opposite sex (or same sex, whatever floats your boat)
(, Sat 19 Jun 2004, 17:01, Reply)
Ever got the giggles?Rather tragically, I attended my Father's funeral recently. Despite the sheer magnitude of grief felt... I still got the giggles when Uncle Ron started singing Lord of the Dance.
It was the combination of his huge comb-over and his booming Yorkshire voice. I just couldn't stop.
Especially at the chorus.
Have you ever had the giggles at precisely the wrong moment?
(, Fri 18 Jun 2004, 12:45, Reply)
Doctor's appointmentsThe most embarassing thing you had to see your doctor about....I swear doc ive no idea how the remote control got up there....
(, Wed 16 Jun 2004, 0:13, Reply)
I have thought about this and come up with...Who was your funniest teacher at school and why?
(, Mon 14 Jun 2004, 18:37, Reply)
How's about...... What's the most embarassing or inappropriate present you've ever been given? Or have given to someone else?
(, Mon 14 Jun 2004, 11:32, Reply)
Worst Friends Reunited Storiesbumping into ex school mate in his late 20s working behind the counter in Mc Donalds (true) , don't think he mentioned this on his Friends Reunited personal info box......etc
and stuff of this related nature styleeeee
(, Fri 11 Jun 2004, 10:39, Reply)
Bloody FeminismWith every television advert (or commercial) being filled with femminist propeganda, and with all men being made to look stupid on TV, I was wondering what you people thought of feminism in general, and I even thought that a good future photoshop challenge would be "if the femminists took over" to show what the world would look like this way.
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Squiggy Alloria makes theme parks., Tue 1 Jun 2004, 14:29,
Reply)
Crap Date Stories?A few years back I was at college in Gosport which is across Portsmouth Harbour from Portsmouth. It was nearly Christmas and the girlfriend was going shopping with her friends for the late night opening. Would I like to go along too?
We walked down to the ferryport on a crisp December night with everyone all excited about Chrimbo and what not. We got on the Gosport Ferry which chugs over to the city and the two of us sat on the top with her friends below deck.
We sat, cuddled together, kissing in the night with HMS Warrior's main mast decorated in lights which danced on the water's surface. A gentle drizzle began to fall but the happy couple, her and me, stayed on top of the boat.
When we reached Portsmouth there was a gentle bump as the boat tied up and her friends called up to us "Come on you two! Let's go!". Being a gentleman I let her walk down the steps first before I followed.
At this point I slipped on the top step and grabbed at the wet railing. You can't hold on to a wet railing so I started to slide down the steps like an experienced sailor in a war film. I couldn't stop!
BANG
I kicked by beautiful girlfriend in both shoulder blades at one and floored her in front of her open-mouthed mates. Slowed down only slightly by the impact I continued down the rails until I reached the bottom where she lay.
BANG
I landed standing on both of her ankles which twisted her feet outwards. At this point she screamed attracting the attention of large group of festive shoppers who turned to watch a maniac student stamp on his girlfriend.
Her friends never liked me and we broke up a few months later.
So yeah, crap date stories are always fun.
(, Sat 29 May 2004, 18:42, Reply)
May I reccomendIncidents with small children. Be they baby-sitting, talking in a cinema, etc.
(, Sat 29 May 2004, 4:36, Reply)
Ever been caughtusing company resources (e.g. computer, fax, photocopier or even just post-it notes) for improper activities?
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Biffins Bridge, Fri 28 May 2004, 13:45,
Reply)
Teachers!Ive got loads of crazy teachers in my school. Theres one RE teacher who constantly tells his class of his adventures around the world. This really may not sound like much but when you hear stories about being a missionary in Burma every lesson, it really does get boring.
Oh, and he watches The Fresh Prince of Bel Air as well, which is odd because he is about 60 or something.
**Oh and another thing, our Vice Principal, a woman by the way, has the biggest, bushiest moustache going. It's like she used to be the bearded lady or something. Her facial hair make is really hard to take threats of suspension seriously.
(, Thu 27 May 2004, 21:57, Reply)
InjuriesI have managed to concuss myself a few times (not always alcohol related). I am permanently bruised from walking into desks and the like. Give me a sharp object and I will accidentally cut myself. So the question is - what is the worst injury you have accidentally inflicted on yourself? Or indeed, an unwitting bystander?
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Strangey is present at, Sun 23 May 2004, 10:33,
Reply)
My 2p for Question of the Week:What was your most fondly remembered kids TV program when you were growing up.
(, Fri 21 May 2004, 13:35, Reply)
What is the wierdest "wrong number" you have every received?Heres mine: I picked up the phone, I heard many people talking in a different language, then someone said sorry down the phone and hung up.
(, Wed 19 May 2004, 20:51, Reply)
How about"That only happens in movies!": things so unlikely or surreal you'd think they couldn't occur in real life - until they do...
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Mr. Tea 'ulmmm'/'mmneurgh', Wed 19 May 2004, 18:28,
Reply)
funniest sex storiesdetail for us your funniest sexual exploits!
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ChaosTime The Fucking Moon Lord, Wed 19 May 2004, 5:35,
Reply)
Wierdest place you've had sex..Always brings out the true sordidness in people.. methinks!
(, Thu 13 May 2004, 22:18, Reply)
Unusual uses for condoms...Dunno about you folks but I can come up with a few right now...
1. Waterproofing anally stored drugs
2. Storing small puppies/kittens on cross-African river swims
3. Boiled egg hangers for the fridge
4. Used teabag stores
5. Meringue egg white freezer packs
6. Interestingly shaped ice "cube" makers
...
Anyone else?
(, Tue 11 May 2004, 18:12, Reply)
Ever worked for a celeb?A colleague of mine used to work as a janitor in a v.famous hotel in New York. During a stay by Jennifer Lopez room service requested that her suite needed the plumbing looking at due to a blocked cistern. Low and behold a massive turd complete with pebble-dashed toilet seat was preventing the thing flushing and required the rubber glove treatment to break it down into no less than three manageable flushes. The worst thing was when she checked out the tight witch left f*ck all in the way of a tip. I know this should really be appearing in the shit stories message board / celeb message board but i think this interesting combination gives a fascinating insight into the private lives of celebs and their bowel movements. Maybe you know someone who has worked in service industry with celebrities? Are there any other plumbers who have had to clean up J-Los runny shits?
(, Mon 10 May 2004, 12:45, Reply)
I saya better question than "what should we ask for a question of a week"
(, Sat 8 May 2004, 15:22, Reply)
wanking! wanking!seriously, i could give you about a million amazing anecdotes involving this brilliant gift from god, but i'll only say them if the question is accepted!
seriously- you'd be amazed!
AMAZED!
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Naive Amoeba Bored Cig, Thu 6 May 2004, 17:13,
Reply)
Most embarrasing public momentParents revealing your 12-years-old-and-still-wetting-the-bed secret to a full street of Saturday shoppers.
Or was that just me?
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jmptdc Mark the perfect man and behold the upright, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 16:48,
Reply)
IfYou could make a film,budget unlimited, who would be in the film and what would it be about?
(, Sun 25 Apr 2004, 14:23, Reply)
Trains, planes and automobilesWhat's the most tragic, ludicrous or maddest journey you've ever been on?
* Airline food.
* Kids kicking the back of the drivers seat for six hours.
* Trains that go fucking nowhere. Slowly.
* Smelly/nutty bastard sat next to you on the bus.
* Coach trip to Angola.
Everyone must have at least one good one!?
Aye!
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Linbox has a serious dunk habit, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 16:00,
Reply)
Have any of your school friends become famous?And have you ever tried to extort money/free tickets/fame out of them by reminding them of the "good times" you had at school?
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blindmelon, Wed 21 Apr 2004, 18:13,
Reply)
What is the....Worst way you've put your foot in your mouth.
oh the shame
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The Lurker Plenty One, Sun 18 Apr 2004, 16:39,
Reply)
If you owned a monkey butler what would you name him (or her)?I would definitely call my money butler Monsieur Bananas as it just screams class. I would also dress him in a smokers jacket, monacle, top hat and let him smoke a pipe that blows bubbles.
(, Sat 17 Apr 2004, 20:12, Reply)
What's your best photoshop ideathat you just didn't do because you were too lazy/busy or it just didn't turn out right.
(, Sun 11 Apr 2004, 0:56, Reply)
FREE DRUGS!what's the strangest thing you've ever done to try and get high? me and my mate tried smoking catnip once. what a waste of time that was.
(, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 17:00, Reply)
What's the best parasite you've ever had?or "What parasite would you most/least like to have"
(, Tue 6 Apr 2004, 4:58, Reply)
When I was a young'un, my schoolbanned tennis balls in the playground, but those bloody girls were still allowed their huge whippy skipping ropes. bitches.
So, my question is: what's best; commie-left or nazi-right?
(, Tue 23 Mar 2004, 23:44, Reply)
Reality T.V.I want to host a reality t.v. show in which I smack any celebrity I want. Justin Timberlake would be a recurring guest. What is your idea for a reality t.v. show?
(, Mon 22 Mar 2004, 22:59, Reply)
Who you would most like to see sent to the Tower..Remembering there is only so much room in that old crumbly place!
(, Tue 16 Mar 2004, 8:19, Reply)
This has to be a winnerI don't like my first name, mainly as people can't pronounce it, so What would you call yourself if you could without upsetting yer Mum? I'd call myself Callum MacCallum as it makes me snigger.
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Geej, Mon 15 Mar 2004, 16:21,
Reply)
Have you ever shat/pissed yourself?I imagine many of us have at some stage, probably later than we'd like to admit, shat or pissed ourselves. It's funny, if a little grim, and i reckon there are loads of people out there with embarrassing/funny stories to tell.
(, Fri 5 Mar 2004, 17:03, Reply)
Txt MessagesWhat the best TXT message you have ever received.... Joke/mistake you get the idea !
(, Mon 1 Mar 2004, 13:02, Reply)
wellhow about the worst thing/most embarassing thing to ever happen to you while on a date?
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Lisette von Falcon, Sun 29 Feb 2004, 23:37,
Reply)
question of the weekWhen you were a kid, what freaky ass tv programmes did your parents make you watch, or what tv programme was your fav?
we all used to have massive discussions like this in six form (we were mostly high at the time...) my favorite was he man and dogtanyon.. but rainbow kicked as... was george gay?
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squiddylyd Once you pop you can't stop!, Fri 27 Feb 2004, 23:57,
Reply)
The StrokesDearest People,
I have recently returned from a dirty weekend with a young lady of my acquaintence, the hotel bedroom was interesting for one reason and one reason only...There was a mirror behind the bed and lo I got to see something usually reserved for onanists with a mirror or makers of homemade pornography...The face I make at the point of issue...Or the Vinegar Stroke face. Scarey as all fucking hell I can tell you, fair put me off my stride it did...anyway I digress....I would be fascinated to see the vinegar stroke faces of other B3ta folk. Actual would be the most amusing, failing that adobe enhanced will do.
(, Thu 26 Feb 2004, 15:59, Reply)
Is it immoral to use cats as musical instruments?Especially when the tempo is faster than they are capable of playing?
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cowcat Bituminous squeegee, Tue 24 Feb 2004, 23:40,
Reply)
Famous underwearWhat's the most famous underwear you've ever seen? I saw Fergies (the red-headed ex-royal slapper, not the red knight) pants at my graduation ceremony. She was giving out the degrees and was sat ona kind've throne on stage. I was sat in the centre aisle near the front. She should learn to sit with her legs closed.
(, Tue 24 Feb 2004, 22:44, Reply)
All going on a summer holiday?Been on a good holiday, had something nice happen to you at the end of a crap holiday? Or was it just awful...?
Builders, sand kickers, the food, the entertainment, it rained all the time, the airport, the ferry, school trips to france, the hotel, luggage, customs (oo-err), jellyfish and other assorted wildlife.... the possibilities for a story are endless.
Let us know.
(, Tue 24 Feb 2004, 14:17, Reply)
harribo and scaryduck's questions combined!Near death experiences or worst injuries...
So far I have survived 5 mains electric shocks and being knocked down by a car twice!
The first time I was knocked down off my bicycle the car was braking from 60mph. The coppers measured the brake marks and charged him.
I was thrown about 6meters and escaped with minor bruising until I looked up and saw my bike falling down towards me from the sky. I put my arm up to protect myself and knackered it.
All my friends thought it was hilarious that I had to have an ambulance called as the driver was on his way to the hospital to visit his wife. When they arrived the paramedic recognised my unusual polish surname.
"Is your Dad called Mark?" He said.
Apparently they had gone to school together and had last seen each other decades ago. He called my Dad to let him know what was going on. When my dad turned up he decided that he should have lunch with his old school chum and left me to wait in A&E for four hours...
(, Tue 24 Feb 2004, 13:03, Reply)
Whatis the worst present you have ever had?
what is the most bizare present you have ever had?
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Mr Moo, Wed 11 Feb 2004, 19:55,
Reply)
Question of the weekFor all the mental members please tell us what the wildest thing you did while at public schoool.
(, Thu 5 Feb 2004, 17:12, Reply)
Adverts that used to freak you out as a kid...I was petrified by an advert for stones bitter in the early 80's, they'd scan the beer at the checkout, and the checkout girl turned to stone and then winked at the camera. That really freaked me,and still does, that and Peter Davison regenerating into Colin baker in Doctor Who, that freaked me too!!!
(, Sun 1 Feb 2004, 12:01, Reply)
A reet puzzlerWe all know that there's more than one way to skin a cat, but what's the best way to do it?
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MrWizzle likes tea because it's nice., Sun 1 Feb 2004, 3:33,
Reply)
How about......the biggest bestest lie you ever told and got away with...my mate once got months off work by telling them he had broken his leg...they never asked for a doctors note assuming that you wouldn't make something like that up!...He did have to fake a limp for a bit on returning to work though!
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fejling, Sat 31 Jan 2004, 13:58,
Reply)
Obsessions...I need to make sure the stuff on my desk is all aligned, nothing skewed out of place. Also, I sometimes take a teaspoon of coffee powder, tip it back, take another, tip it back, until it feels 'right'. Anyone else got bizarre compulsions?
(, Thu 29 Jan 2004, 11:23, Reply)
as it is snowywhat is the funniest/stupidest thing you have ever done in the snow?
I walked home 3 miles from the pub/work, and rolled a giant snowball, for 3 miles. I then dumped it outside my mates front door
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SarahRatt, Wed 28 Jan 2004, 16:50,
Reply)
In one drunken nightHow many of your friends have you pissed off and how many still talk to you..........
(, Mon 26 Jan 2004, 1:57, Reply)
The funnies/scariest most bizzare dreams everAnd then they can be interpreted.
(, Sat 24 Jan 2004, 13:58, Reply)
StupidityWhat is the most ridiculously stupid thing you've ever done, e.g. being told not to do something because it's dangerous, so then proceeding to do it when dad's back's turned.
I was once told not to let go of a rope swing, so I did, purely because I was told not to and wanted to see what would actually happen. The result however was maybe not so dumb: I learnt never to do it again. Thus, the key to human and humanity's development is to do stupid things, just the once. Except for The Bomb of course, which was dropped twice (and counting).
As a friend of a friend of mine once said, when asked why people would go round fighting each other - "Because the human race is severely disappointing". I believe that this comment can be applied with ease to any situation / social problem in the world today.
(, Fri 23 Jan 2004, 16:18, Reply)
If you could hide the music upload codes absolutely anywhere, where would you hide them, and why?
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jola, Tue 20 Jan 2004, 9:58,
Reply)
What is the stupidest thing you've done to impress your friends?I've done some dumb stuff to "fit in" or "be popular". I would love to hear other peoples' experiences.
(, Sun 18 Jan 2004, 14:36, 1 reply, 15 years ago)
Comedy HearingBeing deaf in one ear, and partially deaf in the other, I often mishear things. One day a friend was talking about joining a new video rental shop, but said he couldn't join straight away because he didn't have two utility belts. I tried to work this out in my head and replied 'Utility belts??? what, like Batman?' At which point he cracked up and said to me, slowly and clearly 'Utility bills!!, you know, like a bank statement.' It still makes me laugh.
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5olly, Sun 18 Jan 2004, 8:46,
Reply)
what is your worst fear?Including any experience with spiders or small spaces etc... everyone should have a lot of funny answers. I do anyway lol
Heres to prove you will like it:
My cousin and I were playing on the ps2 so I could usually kick his ass on Pro Evo 2.
Turns out theres a tiny spider at the other side of the room in the top corner not bothering us one bit minding his own business.
MY cousin RAN out of the room to tell his mum (hes 17) and when asked by me to forget about it, he said," Im not going in there!! That spider will get me and put me off while Im playing!"
Proceeded by 5 people laughing.
(, Sun 18 Jan 2004, 0:36, Reply)
do you haveany interesting body features (eg: scars, acne in the shape of south america, etc etc) and if theres a story to go with it, like how you got these features, what is it...?
(, Fri 16 Jan 2004, 0:11, Reply)
What have you done that made baby Jesus cry?I called him a cunt and squeezed his mum's tits.
/blasphemy
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TV's Nosemonkey, Wed 14 Jan 2004, 13:46,
Reply)
what one event shot down all your hopes and dreams?with me it was jumping out of a tree aged 10 and realising that nope i really couldn't fly
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lemony, Wed 14 Jan 2004, 13:44,
Reply)
have you ever worn 'laundry crisis' underwearand had it discovered in embarrassing circumstances?
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blyerkit e k trilby, Wed 14 Jan 2004, 13:33,
Reply)
What is the most unfair thingthat ever happened to you?
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Lumpbucket tekcubpmuL, Wed 14 Jan 2004, 13:21,
Reply)
Why do birds suddenly appearevery time you are near?
(, Wed 14 Jan 2004, 13:07, 1 reply, 6 years ago)
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