Potential ambulance service punters and relatives
1) Don't greet us with the words "you'll need a stretcher". If you're an accountant, would you expect me to come to your work and say "you'll need a calculator"? No...then fuck off.

2) If you call an ambulance, make some kind of effort to make yourself/your house visible. Turning on an outside light. Getting someone to stand outside to wave us down (see point 3). Giving the operator an idea of local landmarks. Saying "I'm in Newcastle"does NOT help....)

3) If you are aforementioned waving gimp. A simple sticking out of hand as if you were hailing a taxi will suffice. Performing actions that make you look like an epileptic mating with a windmill will not expedite our arrival. In fact we may just drive past for the hell of it.

4) If you got yourself upstairs, you can sure as fuckery get yourself downstairs.

5) Abdominal pain does not affect the motor function of the legs. You can still walk.

6) If I came and sat in your house, pissed on the floor, threw up on myself and fell asleep on a chair, you may be put out. So don't do it on my fucking ambulance.

7) Don't even fucking think about hitting me. I hit back. Harder. And I can kill you and leave no trace.

8) Unless there is a very good reason, you go to the A&E of my choice. Good reasons include a: it's a skive b: it's a fun drive c: it's about lunchtime and the canteen is good d: the nurses are all sluts and e: because I'm a vindictive bastard.

9) Did I mention that if you do succeed in assaulting me, my friends the police will make sure you get nicked. And hurt. And will causally remark to some of their sources inside that you are a kiddie fidler.

10) Grannies pay attention: if you have chest pain, don't wait until the morning to call because "you didn't want to be a bother." Trust me, be a bother (this is probably the most serious point - if you have chest pain, call 999/911 for fuck's sake!)

11) If you've been drinking, don't lie about the amount. We're not fucking cretins.

12) If you've taken drugs, tell me. I can guess. And so can the purple elephant. Trust me, the majority of us have experienced unofficial medication in the past, so we know when we are being lied to.

13) Girls: if your mate is lying on the ground vomiting after downing 15 shots of sambuca, do not tell us her drink has been spiked. Your friend looks like something the japanese would kill for research. It would take something that would normally be used for anaesthetising bull elephants to bring her down, and nobody, not even a raving pervert, would shag it.

14) Being above the 5th floor in a block of flats is a capital offence.

15) If your first words to us are "you took your time" then they may also be your last.

16) Living in the middle of nowhere has its advantages. It also means that it may take a bit of time to get to you. We drive vans, not the starship enterprise.

17) If you are a scrote, and you are cold and fancy going to the A&E for a bit of food and a cup of tea...tell me. Don't lie and say you have chest pain.

18) We can spot a fake fit 5 miles off.

19) If you have a very sick baby, an ambulance crew will appear behind you by magic.

20) We do care, but the job does get to you. So please take the cynicism, sick humour and bad fucking temper with a pinch of salt. Especially if you call me out at 5 minutes before shift end.
Thanks to bwts.org with some of this stuff. Believe me, it's all true...
( Undercovercarrot got done for gross misconduct on..., Tue 12 Feb 2008, 6:03, 14 replies, latest was 10 years ago)

Freezing worms makes them easier to sharpen

( Devon Dan without geometry, there would be no point, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 16:42, Reply)

if you want to annoy airport security
write "made you look! :P" on a peice of paper. then crinkel it up and wrap it in a condom. then shove the condom up your arse.

act in a suspicious manner when going through customs if nessciary hide things around your person that will set off a metal detector. once you have agitaed security enough, wait untill they serch you then point and laugh.
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 18:18, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Women
If a person displays certain characteristics, personality traits or behavioural tendencies, it's probably due to a combination of genetics, past and present socio-economic environment, education and familial/peer group relationships.

It is almost certainly not because they are a fucking Pisces.
(Monkey Tennis isn't Spartacus, Sat 17 Mar 2007, 4:42, Reply)

Avoid confusion over whether to use "a" or "an"
...before words like "historic" or acronyms like HTML, by always adding the word "fucking" after the indefinite article.

"This is a fucking historic occasion".

"I need a fucking HTML expert".
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Wed 16 Jun 2010, 15:27, 5 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Accidentally closed the wrong tab?
Ctrl+Shift+T

Mac:

Cmd+Shift+T
(sebcoe, Tue 1 Jun 2010, 21:03, 6 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Druggies / Alckies in and around Leith:
My Top Ten Tips for shopping at Tesco Metro

(1) If you plan to go shopping in Tesco Metro, do that BEFORE having a nose-full/arm-full/kazoo-full/skin-full of mind-bogglants

(2) If you fuck (1) up, DO NOT choose the self-service checkout

(3) If you ignore the advice in (2), do not threaten the staff who are trying to help you

(4) Also, the woman's voice coming from the little machine is a RECORDING so there is no point in arguing with her

(5) Try to keep focused on waving groceries around until you hear a *beep* and then putting them in the bagging area - do not get distracted by the cute doggy, the security man giving you 'attitude', or the 'stuck-up English bitch' talking to you from inside the machine

(6) On no account should you try to cheat the system or steal - you WILL FAIL

(7) Don't keep looking round to see if people are looking at you, THEY ARE - it's not entirley drug-induced paranoia on your part, you are making a bit of a cunt of yourself

(8) Don't expect anyone other than yourself to see the funny side of an adult taking 15 minutes to put a Mars Bar and two cans of Tennents through the till

(9) Once you've successfully bagged your shopping and paid for it, do not take the time to profusely thank everyone who has helped you through this monumental challenge

(10) Once outside the shop, you are NOT entitled to a replacement or full refund for any item damaged when you smash into a lampost/wall/pavement while admiring a doggy / avoiding a wasp / sending a text, so don't bother asking
( MisterPunch did it that way on, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 18:13, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

If you're shagging a devout catholic lass...
For fuck's sake don't find her G-spot at 2am.

At her place.

When her parents are asleep.

And she's a screamer.

In retrospect it's rather amusing, but when you've got a girl with her knees over your shoulders and her father beating the shit out of you with a cricket bat it's really fucking painful.
(DarkLite swallowed my entire undercarriage, Fri 22 Feb 2008, 3:45, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Cut one fingernail every day.
They'll all remain respectably short but you'll always have one long enough for scratching, nose-picking or separating lego bricks.
( teedyay, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 16:44, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

boy-racers et al.
Have you fitted extremely large sub-woofers in the front of your car? Don't turn them up to impress some girlies walking past whilst you're stopped at traffic lights behind me.

I had to pull over because I couldn't drive from laughing so much when I looked in the mirror just in time to see your airbag go off.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 14:40, Reply)

If you're in Australia and you swallow a fly
Don't swallow a spider to catch it, most are poisonous and you'll die before you even get to the horse.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Tue 26 Feb 2008, 9:57, Reply)

DON'T waste money ...
... on expensive iPods. Simply think of your
favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply
think of another song you like and hum that instead.
(Biff..., Wed 13 Dec 2006, 11:48, Reply)

Gentlemen; Convince your neighbours that your dog is a genius
by pissing the word "WOOF" into the snow on your front lawn
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Thu 7 Jan 2010, 16:27, 8 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Can't find the fanny on a fat chick?
Starting at the belly button and working your way down, simply put your finger in each fold of fat and then lick your finger afterwards.
When you taste shit, just go back one!
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Sat 28 Feb 2009, 16:26, 6 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Pony club horse box drivers
When leaving the gymkhana, ignore the signs that tell you NOT to turn left onto the road marked "unsuitable for wide vehicles" so that you, your spoilt brats and the 4-legged bbq fodder in the trailer can be laughed at unmercifully by me, once you get REALLY stuck. And remember that, because YOU'VE decided to drive down a totally unsuitable road, so have your jodhpured, alice-banded sisterhood so you'll ALL get stuck with no prospect of getting out without FIVE towtrucks.
Also remember that, just because YOU'RE an ignorant self-centred useless waste of DNA that only gets the 4x4 and the credit card because your husband is successful, it doesn't mean that all men will help you. I, for one, will laugh at you till a little bit of wee comes out whilst watching your predicament.

LEARN TO READ BEFORE YOU DRIVE, YOU EXPENSE-ACCOUNT WHORE.

Rant over
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Fri 25 Jul 2008, 11:07, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

push rice crispies into the treads of you car tyres
for that expensive gravel driveway feel
( Reme Philips laid an epic dump on, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 20:31, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

Skaters II
Use a perforated strip of leather with a steel buckle attached to keep your jeans ABOVE your arse.
(peterlynch, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 14:28, Reply)

Understanding women
If asked "Am I fat?" all of the following answers are wrong:

No.
Yes.
You are beautiful
I don't know.
It depends what you mean by 'fat'.

The correct answer is the one they want to hear. You will know this by being telepathic.
(frankspencer, Mon 19 Mar 2007, 15:28, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Petrol (or gas for you americans)
If you are driving a new car (or a hire car, or a stolen car, or whatever) and you are unsure which side the petrol cap is on, look at the little petrol pump symbol on the dash. It will either be on the petrol gauge or on the low fuel light.

Whichever side of the little symbol the hose is on, that's which side of the cat the petrol cap is on.
(faragher dub, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 16:45, 9 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Headaches
Men, fancy a blow job but girlfriend's got a headache? Simply crush an aspirin and sprinkle it over the end of your knob.
(Smale is stuffed, Fri 22 May 2009, 8:09, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

dont,
after cafeful consideration dont do the following things:

1.dont try and trim your nails in a pencil sharpener

2.blow cigar smoke out your nose

3.buy a reanult clio

4.forget to check for toilet paper before going for a shit

5.plan on pusing your shopping home in a trolley whithout checking that it dosnent have a anti theft wheel lock on it

6.set fire to a full lighter

7.drink 6 cans in less than 4 minuates whilst on 2 kinds of antibiotics on an empty stomach.

8.try and fill your stomach afterwards

9.mix typing answers on b3ta and severe dislexia

10.google meat spin

11.let your drunken flatmate run down one of hulls busyest streets on a friday night with no shirt on whilst weilding a unshethed 36" kantana sword

12.leave anything un-nailed down whilst hosting a party

13.try and skatebord on an office chair

14.accpet "i DOUBLE dare you" as a legaly binding contract

15.pick fights with builders

16.walk in the snow in tennis shoes

17.attept to watch daytime tv without drugs/alcohol

18.try and chat up a lesbian unless you are a woman

19.try and run over pigeons and expect your passengers to be understanding

20.get the muncies in the agonising period of time between when the local take aways shut and the breakfast cafe's open

i have done these things so you might not have to. tke heed b3ta
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 18:15, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Want to skip Jury Duty?
Under "Ethnic Origin" on the form sign it as "White, Natural Rulers of the Planet".
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 17:27, Reply)

need to get from my house to the doctors in 3 mins at school rush hour?
Go into Peterborough Road, right onto Canterbury Road, turn right onto Northway and dogleg across Aldershot Road down Beckingham Road, take a left into Grantley Road and follow Weston Road round. (NB: of limited use to most people on the board).
( shavedchimp something something oranges something, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 17:14, Reply)

Shopping while hungry
My dear mother always said that you shouldn't go food shopping on an empty stomach. And do you know, she was right. So, herewith my top tip - before going on that Internet dating site, have a wank.
(purplegod counting down for Christmas!, Fri 7 Sep 2007, 7:12, Reply)

Parents
Give your kids lots of cola and sweets before going out, to make sure you get full value from your babysitter
( Pope Shax XIII uses Visio for picture editing, does it show?, Sat 19 Jun 2010, 6:34, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Sex Doll....
Fill your inflatable doll with helium.

That way, you still get the thrill of the chase.
(dchurch bah, Mon 14 Jun 2010, 21:19, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

If you get crabs
pour vodka and splinters down your crotch.
They'll get pissed, then end up jousting till death.
( Drunken Vet, Fri 12 Jan 2007, 16:54, Reply)

Personalised registration plates.
Don't bother. They are a waste of money.

Simply change your name via deedpoll to your current registration.

Cheers,
Miss KX12 XTR
( Noo_Noo Is now 'BeerElf Jnr', I guess :), Fri 1 Dec 2006, 19:34, Reply)

Enjoy the benefits of date rape without the concern about prosecution, by simply
spiking your own drink and having a wank.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 11:20, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Politics students:
Feel like a REAL politician whilst at university by claiming for another student loan for a second hall of residence.
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Sun 22 Nov 2009, 18:48, Reply)

When you find yourself stuck with someone talking at you incessantly
Simply tap them on the head mid-sentence and say "snooze".
( ma0sm, Mon 2 Nov 2009, 11:40, Reply)

Go on Dragons den
spend 10 minutes talking about a special life giving liquid.

after you notice all dragons sip their water, explain the life giving liquid is infact an antidote to the poison in their water.

then offer the antidote to the highest bidder... and watch them fight it out.
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Fri 19 Dec 2008, 14:55, Reply)

If you fill a whoopee cushion with brown sauce
It will make it look like the person who sat on it has followed through.
(samgasm, Wed 15 Oct 2008, 23:01, 5 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Do people keep breaking into your bathroom via your toilet and try to kill you?
Install a bear in your toilet.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Sat 14 Jun 2008, 2:40, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Going through a speed trap too fast?
If possible, climb out through the sunroof and clap hollowed-out coconuts on the roof. This tricks the camera into thinking you're riding a horse, so you should get away without being flashed.
(FizzyLogic, Tue 22 May 2007, 14:23, Reply)

Girls!
Disappointed by the limited range of 'Boyfriend Jeans' and 'Boyfriend Shirts' in your local branch of Top Shop? Simply pop upstairs to the department marked 'Top Man' and browse their wide selection of 'Boyfriend Jeans', 'Boyfriend Shirts', 'Boyfriend Jumpers', 'Boyfriend Coats', 'Boyfriend Hats', 'Boyfriend Socks', 'Boyfriend Pants' and 'Boyfriend Unimaginative T-Shirts Bearing Distressed Logos of Fictional American School Sports Teams'.

N.B. Don't be tempted, however, to shop for an actual 'Boyfriend' in this department. Unless you like rat-faced Nuts-reading WKD drinkers who smell of a McDonalds bin filled with three cans of Lynx and a pound of unwashed cocks.
(costas, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 20:31, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Avoid Public Awkwardness
When lowering your testicles into a Dyson Airblade hand-dryer to see what it feels like, try to fall against the door when you collapse to the ground in agony. This will prevent passers-by from rushing in to see where the sobbing is coming from.
(costas, Thu 3 Dec 2009, 12:22, 4 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Potential rapist?
Stop. Think. Wank.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 20 Nov 2009, 10:39, 4 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Bored on the way to work?
Sitting on the bus/train/tube, simply pretend you're on the phone to a friend and tell them about your recent 4 week tour of Mexico.

Hang up.

Then sneeze.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 29 Apr 2009, 9:05, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Next door neighbours girlfriend...
Will you please either shut your curtains or stand on your bed when you are getting undressed - the partial glimpses are doing my head in.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Mon 8 Dec 2008, 14:28, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Security Markers
are great for drawing big hairy cocks on banknotes so they show up when put under the UV forgery testing light.
( Spherix, Sun 21 Sep 2008, 10:58, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Arrested
Avoid getting convicted of assault by not misinterpreting the sign "Blind People"
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 14:35, Reply)

If you want your asparagus to smell funny
Drink piss.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Fri 22 Feb 2008, 12:50, Reply)

Parents
While they may seem expensive at first, family trips to Portugal in the summer could cut a third off your Christmas expenditure.
(peterlynch, Wed 7 Nov 2007, 20:31, Reply)

If a child is choking on an ice cube...
Simply pour boiling water down the throat to melt the ice and clear the blockage!
(aroe_m0rre, Tue 5 Dec 2006, 8:49, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Genuine Top Tip
I used to work with a bloke who'd keep a bar of standard soap in the top of his tool-box. This was not for washing his hands.. This was for preventing the accumulation of dirt and grease under his fingernails as he worked.

Before starting the day, he'd sit and carefully scratch at the well-sorn grooves in the soap thus filling the under-fingernail-gap with solid soap.

At the end of the day's work, he'd wash his hands and wash the soap out.

His fingernails were always spotless...

Remeber that next time your'e about to scurry under the car, or to work in the garden: It works a treat, and a bar of soap with scratch marks in it is always a good conversation point.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Sun 3 Dec 2006, 17:15, Reply)

Voyeurs!
Sit on your hand AND on your penis. It will feel like someone else is jerking someone else off.
(sabre-tooth monkey, Fri 28 May 2010, 15:36, Reply)

When staining your newly laid decking, Under no circumstances should you start at the outside and work your way inwards. You will end up stranded dead centre whilst your neigbours snigger, and all you will be able to do for 90 or so minutes is pretend you are some sort of pirate marooned on a desert island.
Or so I hear.
(Screwloose Ate his hat on, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 23:04, Reply)

Wisdom Teeth Removal - top tips
Deciding to have it done.

1: Feelings on wisdom teeth differ. However, if yours are impacted, it doesn't necessarily mean that they have to be hoiked out. They should only be removed if they are actually causing you hassle, or may cause you bother in the future.

2: If you are going to have them done, then try wherever possible to have them all done at once.

3: If possible, always try to have them done at hospital. 'Tis free.

4: The best people to yank 'em out aren't necessarily the dental hospital. If you can, try and get referred to maxillofacial surgery, as they are both surgeons AND dentists. And very good at jigsaws.

BEFORE THE OP

1: When you go for your pre-op, ask for general anaesthetic (or sedation if that's not possible). This makes the whole experience much easier. Trust me.

2: If you have concerns, ASK the docs. There's no such thing as a silly question when people are pulling bits out of your body.

3: Try if possible to give up smoking. I'll explain why later.

4: The day of the op, you'll probably be nil by mouth from midnight if going for GA. If not, about 1 hour prior to the op, take 2 x 400mg ibuprofen tablets. This will help with the swelling.

THE OP:

1: If you are asleep for it, well done. Your part in this is fairly limited.

2: If not, chances are you're getting midazolam. Be aware, that this stuff SERIOUSLY lowers your inhibitions, and you can say stuff you may later regret! (although you won't know about it.) However, you'll not remember a thing and will have a generally nice time.

3: If it is local only, then for the love of St Maddie of Portugal, let them know if you feel ANY pain straight away.

4: You will feel a LOT of tugging. The surgeon will probably be sweating like Josef Fritzl watching Changing Rooms. There will be cracking noises. This is all normal (but still horrific).

IMMEDIATELY AFTER THE OP.

1: If you had a general, you will likely wake up aching a bit and with a terrible thirst. This is the bad bit I'm afraid. You usually wont be allowed to drink for about 2 hours after the op, as the blood clot needs time to form. Take some wet-wipes or bits of gauze to moisten your lips.

2: You WILL bleed.

3: You are likely to feel like shite. When you are under, they will likely give you some painkillers (including a diclofenac up the old nipsy, so make sure all tagnuts are removed prior to going under.) These WILL wear off.

4: The bleeding will mainly cease within about 1-2 hours. You may find that they have given you some dissolvable stitches. Otherwise, you may have some gauze to bite down on to stop the bleeding. If it starts again (a lot) then let someone know.

RECOVERING.

1: Right, let's talk drugs. You are going to need them. They usually give you some painkillers to go home with, but what I would suggest is to stock up on the following:
a: paracetamol
b: aspirin (soluble)
C: senna
Why senna? Well, chances are that they will give you codeine, which bungs you up like nobody's business. Unless you want to be producing brown trout you could use as piers for a 6-lane suspension bridge, you'll want something to soften them up. The paracetamol is because you (or they) will run out otherwise, and the aspirin is for later on.

2: Chances are you'll also be given mouthwash. Use it. For the love of fuck, use it. Your mouth is dirtier than your ringpiece, and unless you want an abscess or infection, then you want to keep it as clean as possible. If you are not given any, nip to boots and buy a bottle of oraldene (bright pink stuff.) Use it after every meal.

3: Day 1 post op, you'll probably feel not too bad. Don't let this lull you. You've still got a substantial amount of anaesthetic in your bloodstream.

4: Take your painkillers REGULARLY. It takes most pain killers around 1-2 hours to reach peak plasma concentration, so if you are in pain, it's going to take ages to wear off.

5: Week 1 is going to be, unfortunately, quite unpleasant (but no worse than the pain you had beforehand!). Lots of soup is your friend, as are muller rice. These were literally the only thing I could eat, and they have the advantage of being quite nutritious. Get a bag of value frozen peas and use this for about 15 minutes a few times a day for the swelling.

6: Hot drinks might well hurt. Be careful.

7: Beware of dry socket. Dry socket is quite frankly, the worst pain in the world. It occurs when the blood clot drops out of the socket. Basically that means there's nothing between the exposed bone/nerve and the outside world. It hurts like a prolonged kick to the nuts. A big risk factor to getting this is smoking (due to the sucking action and smoke drying out your mouth) so this is why I recommend giving up if you can.

8: Aspirin: This is your friend. If you are getting severe pain, then 2 x 300mg soluble aspirin in your mouth and chewed up WILL help the pain straight off. Then rinse your mouth and swallow.

9: Make sure you don't overdose by accident!

10: If you find the pain is not going by end of week 1, or if you get a sore throat or similar, nip to the dentist for some antibiotics.

11: If you are prescribed metranidazole, please read this carefully: DO NOT FUCKING DRINK ALCOHOL. Really. I am not fucking kidding.

12: The stitches feel weird as fuck in your mouth, but will dissolve eventually.

13: You may find that little shards of bone/teeth will come through the socket over the recovery period. Don't worry. This is normal.

In conclusion, people frighten the fuck out of you when they talk about wisdom teeth removal. Remember, it's not as bad as everyone says. Trust me. If you're worried, don't hesitate to ask for a second opinion!
( Undercovercarrot got done for gross misconduct on..., Sun 3 May 2009, 4:51, 16 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Credit Card Companies
Save money by not printing and sending out chequebooks with customers' credit-card statements, along with chirpy little notes saying "We thought you might find these useful!". In case you hadn't noticed, over the last couple of years, cheques have become the immigrant paedophiles of the financial world. Most shops would rather let you pay with a handful of tepid faeces than sit and wait as you fart around writing a cheque and filling in the stub, then realising you put the date as 2007. No bastard accepts cheques. Cash Converters might do, but then they also accept Zimbabwean dollars and still-warm car stereos, so it's to be expected. Cheques are shit. Nobody wants cheques. Stop sending them out. We don't find them 'useful'. They're just a massive pain in the arse because it's another thing to shred.

*checks smallprint*

What's this? You'll charge me £3 each time I (or whichever sorting-office agency worker handles my post) use one of your cheques? Jesus Farting Corbett.
(costas, Wed 13 Aug 2008, 22:43, 7 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Drunk too much lager?
Simply vomit the excess onto the road, then burn off excess calories by having an enthusiastic fight with a friend.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Sun 27 Jul 2008, 15:12, Reply)

Fat couples!
Lumber as slowly as you can, side by side, through the narrow passages and stairwells of the London Underground. Your fellow passengers will find this especially soothing during rush hours.

You disgusting fat cunts.
( routine has perfected burgers, Fri 6 Jun 2008, 23:29, Reply)

Shaving tip
I read in Neil Gaiman's blog yesterday the tip that if you want a clean shave, then rub your stubble with hair conditioner, leave for a couple of minutes and then shave.

I tried it last night, and it really works.
( monkeon schmonkeon, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 15:45, 9 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Looking to blend in in 'urban' areas?

Cover your face with shoe polish, making sure to outline your eyes and mouth with white paint (tipp-ex will do)

If even with such a disguise you are hassled, try jazz hands until the situation is diffused.
(clusterfuck detesting 'length' jokes since, Fri 11 Apr 2008, 16:32, Reply)

in self service tills
put everything through as loose potatoes.

because 500g of potatoes weighs the same as 500g of muffins.

but costs a lot less.
(digital observations, Sun 24 Feb 2008, 1:09, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

Londoners
Avoid being mistaken for a cunt by moving to another city.
(jagathewise, Sat 3 Nov 2007, 4:04, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

Big knob!
When trying to impress girls (or guys) on the web, via bluetooth or dating agency, simply take a digital photo of your erect cock next to one of those airline size cans of coke.

(it is much less contentious than getting a small child to hold it!)
(ziderman2001, Tue 9 Oct 2007, 20:45, Reply)

Want to start a market stall? Worried?
Just remember these handy hints and you'll be a budding entrepeneur in no time:

* The apostrophe is your friend - for example 'pant's', 'cabbage's', 'carrot's'.

* Authentic spelling errors are a must: 'potatoe', 'chickin', 'gammen'.

* If a price is to be displayed, use both £ and p to denote said value: £4.99p. Now there is no doubt of the cost.

* Show your respect for men by calling them 'guv', 'son' or 'sir', whilst calling all women 'darlin'.

* Be the loudest. Everyone knows a rich market trader is a loud market trader. Shout the loudest and you are sure to attract those shy buyers.

* Finally, make sure to employ at least one special needs teenager. The old dears will think he's charming as he ambles over to fuck up their simple order. As a bonus, you can give him a well mannered 'clout' every so often and pay him half of what you pay everyone else!

Ker-ching! Now you are a bona fide market trader.
(Northern Lovely, Fri 6 Jul 2007, 11:42, Reply)

BRA FUN!
Chaps, to avoid embarrassment, undo bras swiflty by always carrying a Stanley^TM knife with you.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 17:18, Reply)

Struggling to buy fags because you don't look old enough??
Take the tobaconist to the nearest bus stop, and when the bus arrives attempt to get on paying for a half fair ticket. While the bus driver and tobacconist ague over how old you are, go back to the shop and steal the desired cigarettes.
(HairyBaldy, Thu 7 Dec 2006, 13:40, Reply)

How to pull! Guaranteed!
When your out in the clubs and you see a hot young thing strutting her stuff on the dance floor, walk over, confidently take her hand in yours and whisper into her ear, 'Come on love; lets not turn this rape into a murder', and casually escort her off the dance floor.

Works every time.

My first post though...
(sh!tmouth, Wed 6 Dec 2006, 11:37, Reply)

Can't sleep?
Can't get to sleep at night because of ambient light, and don't have a sleeping mask handy? Contort yourself into a fetal ball and pull the top hemisphere of your foreskin up over the front of your face. The skin is remarkably pliant and as an added bonus you can thread some stray pubes through your teeth in order to keep the thing snug and secure.
(The Turgid Dahlia, Tue 5 Dec 2006, 12:33, Reply)

When in a busy nightclub (the busier the better)
Go to the bar. Wave a £20 note while waiting to be served. Keep waving it until someone goes to serve you. When they are getting you the drink, swap the twenty in your hand for a tenner, then give the bar person the ten instead.

About 4 times out of 5 they'll give you the change for a twenty. Isn't psychology fun?
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Tue 5 Dec 2006, 10:06, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

Americans
Avoid looking like an ass, by always checking first to see if a country has weapons of mass destruction, before invading them.
( BamaSS, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 20:37, Reply)

If you spill white wine on a pale surface ...
... liberally douse the stain with red wine immediately.
( calgacus Non sum qualis eram bonae sub regno Cynarae, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 16:48, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Find your mother's porn name
By simply waiting for the credits.
(Eukanuba, Tue 31 Dec 2013, 20:28, Reply)

Lots of holes tied together make excellent nets.

(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Wed 3 Nov 2010, 4:03, 6 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Make your girlfriend come...
by shouting her name really loudly when you are in the lounge and she's in the kitchen.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 21:48, Reply)

Unsure of your gender?
Get someone to kick you in the groin. If it hurts, you're a woman. If it's the end of the world as you know it, you're a bloke.
( Dazz - In Your Base, Killing Your Dudes since, Wed 2 Jul 2008, 19:21, Reply)

Not mine...
On a rainy day, empty the hole punch into someone's umbrella.
(kitescreech still here, Wed 12 Mar 2008, 22:09, Reply)

Athletes
Draw attention away from the fact that you've taken steroids by running really slowly
(The Oscillating Gibbon is eating curried squid, Wed 27 Feb 2008, 17:03, Reply)

When crossing roads
rather than looking both ways before crossing simply add the vectors of both directions and look straight ahead.
( Crack <--- Lurker..... came out of hiding on, Sat 24 Nov 2007, 14:23, Reply)

Arty farty
Budding artists - To sculpt an elephant, get a block of stone, and chip away anything that doesn't look like an elephant.
(youngone, Sat 1 Sep 2007, 17:47, Reply)

Easy Dog Clean-Up

Tired of scooping up your dog's shit and toting it around on your walk? Simply carry some shredded cheese with you and sprinkle it on the steaming pile. The next dog to come along will enjoy the treat.
( salamander, Thu 28 Jun 2007, 7:17, Reply)

When attempting to fix a broken gun in a cartoon duck hunting situation
avoid looking down the barrel where possible.
( Yeknom. Incontinence and Premature ejaculation? Easy come, easy go., Sat 2 Dec 2006, 4:14, Reply)

Want a seat on train to yourself with noone next to you?
Watch XXX rated porn on a laptop at full volume.
(lance_the_boil lanced the boil on, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 17:23, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

To get through a crowd of people leaving an event
bring a toddler with you. Pick him/her up and yell: "he's gonna be sick!"

People will part like the red sea for you.
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 17:16, Reply)

Ginger girls...
Don't get a Brazillian as it looks like someone has glued a fish finger to your cunt.
(#1, Mon 16 Mar 2015, 11:16, Reply)

Health Tip
In the interests of hygiene, the Three-Second Rule should be reduced to 1.5 seconds when performing transplants.
(costas, Tue 12 Nov 2013, 19:48, Reply)

Website owners: Need money to fund your extravagant lifestyle full of hookers and cocaine?
Disable the search function on your website and then ask people to donate money to 'fix' it.
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Tue 19 Feb 2013, 22:07, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Blind People.
Avoid giving everyone a tennis ball for christmas by choosing the present yourself and not letting your dog do it.
( Mr Nerdy-Speccy-FuckNuts Ouchy ouchy wa wa!, Thu 2 Dec 2010, 20:40, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Top Tip Tip
Do all your fly-tipping at roadside memorials. Then, if you get caught, simply claim that the deceased was a big fan of knackered fridges and mattresses full of piss.
(costas, Tue 23 Nov 2010, 9:11, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Keep an empty milk bottle in the fridge
Just in case you fancy a black coffee.
(57841, Sat 11 Sep 2010, 21:00, 7 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Teenage girls and menopausal women.
If your man is all sparkly and won't shag you, it's because he's a gay, not a vampire.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Sun 1 Aug 2010, 17:17, 5 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Are your bills demanding too much bread?
Simply get smaller ducks.
(Arsenic, Fri 13 Jul, 2:73 and, Wed 14 Apr 2010, 6:33, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Pregnant?
Resist the urge to put the ultrascan as your Facebook page. If you miscarry, you won't look as silly.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Thu 31 Dec 2009, 1:03, 5 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Blu-Tac
Have a work colleague who is always fucking about with a blob of Blu-Tac? Maybe they use it as a stress relief ball thing that used to be popular 10 years ago, maybe they use copious amounts of the stuff when they don't really need to.

When they're not about, preferably at lunchtime when they're gone for a while, collect up their Blue-Tac, spear it onto a paperclip and set fire to it.

It will burn steadily much like a candle wick and whilst doing so turns from blue to white. Eventually, whatever it is that is flammable will run out and the flame will go out.

As the 'white tac' as it has become cools down, it turns back blue again. It's like magic.

When it's cool enough to touch, ever so gently take it off the paperclip and place it back on your colleague's desk. It still looks exactly like the original piece of Blu-Tac except now it has different properties.

It has become a chalky substance which is more crumbly than a stock cube and consequently when the colleague picks it up, it will fall apart between their fingers.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 27 May 2009, 11:53, 5 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Work colleagues
The lavatories at work function in a very similar way to the ones at home. So, after snipping off one of Bungle's fingers, feel free to use the magic handle on the wall which will make it disappear.

Also if you have that much fucking difficulty hitting a 40cm bowl full of water from around 1 metre away, then consider sitting down next time you have a piss

Twunts.
( Undercovercarrot got done for gross misconduct on..., Tue 7 Apr 2009, 8:08, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Choose a good password
Bad form to post unfunny actual tips, I know, but what the hell...

-----------------------------------------------

My top tip for setting a difficult-to-crack, easy-to-remember password =

1) Take your favourite nursery rhyme, song lyric, poem stanza etc

2) Turn it into an acronym using these rules:

-Use the first letter of each word for each letter of the password, i.e. Jack becomes a 'j'
-substitute the word 'and' for an ampersand '&'
-subsitute the word 'a' or 'at' with an '@' symbol
-substitute words that sound like numbers for the number itself, i.e. to--2, free--3, for--4 etc
-Capitalise the first letter

Now you have a password that almost certainly meets your company's password policy. Here's one I made earlier:

J&jwuth2f@pow

Which is of course "Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water"

Reminders can then be left on your desk, in your notebook or wherever in a form that you find easy to remember, i.e. "password is Jack and Jill"
( chart cat has an itch, Fri 5 Sep 2008, 15:59, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Save time!
The next time somebody asks you what the time is just walk past them. I've calculated that If I had done this since the age of 20 I would have saved myself a whole 5 days.
Also works for directions and requests for assistance. I'm a shit policeman I really am.
( Woolworth Smells of festive spices, Fri 6 Jun 2008, 21:57, Reply)

If your little brother is doing his 'oh so important' GCSE coursework...
Access the autocorrect function in Word, and replace "Analysis" with "Anal Sex". 9 times out of 10 they won't notice until they've handed it in.
( Furness, Thu 24 Apr 2008, 14:14, 3 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Pea Roast
Step 1, team up with a trolley buddy, henceforth to be known as TB (unfortunate, ehh)

Step 2, take TB into supermarket, both acquire trolleys and do your weekly shop, both of you must acquire exact quantities of exactly the same products. (see where this is going?)

Step 3, you go and pay for one trolley load of goods, keep the receipt and put items directly into the trolley, no bags.

Step 4, leave TB in store and unpack your paid for goods into your car (we're hoping you have one). Then return to store and find TB

Step 5, meet up with TB in store and saunter out with his load of shopping. If collared by security guard brandish receipt for paid for goods. Hey presto, double shopping for half the price.

Step 6, alternate ending. Return one load of shopping and demand money back. Up to you

Step 7, report back with your success stories, or otherwise.

Go on! It's only Tescos!
( monkeyboyalpha jumping on the bandwagon since, Fri 29 Feb 2008, 16:52, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

parents
avoid losing children by not going out to a bar while on holiday
( Trollman, Fri 29 Jun 2007, 14:06, Reply)

Top tips
Boys: can't sleep with a nice lady?

Then get your bollocks cut off. My cat Jasper sleeps on my bed every night since I had his snipped away and I am lovely.
( Rev. Jayneflakes Buy my book, I need the cash for drugs and hookers, Sun 15 Apr 2007, 20:14, Reply)

Offices
Want to be a Gynaecologist so that you can spend all your time around love-muffins but DONT want to go through med-school?

Just get a job in an office - you'll be surrounded by so many cunts, it will be too soon if you ever see one again!
(-Tomcat- has heard of the healing power of laughter?, Fri 16 Mar 2007, 17:06, Reply)

...and Furthermore!
When cutting a piece of pork pie for your dinner, place the remainder of the pie back in the fridge where the dog can't get at it.

Otherwise you may end up
a) Falsely chastising your son for eating three-quarters of a pork pie in 30 seconds
b) cleaning up the resultant dog-vomit because your thieving pet whippet ate 3/4s of a pork pie in 30 seconds
c) Thoroughly ruining everyone else's lunch by smelling of regurgitated pork pie for the rest of the day.
( Stevedix http://www.stevedix.de/blog, Tue 16 Jan 2007, 15:24, Reply)

On sexual intercourse
1) Choose a position that maximises deep penetration and friction against the g-spot. Ladies - why not lie face down with a cushion under your pelvis for a hot friction stuffin'?

2) Ladies - while engaging in the missionary position, why not suck and gently nibble his nipples as a thank you for him doing all the work? He'll love it!

3) Gents - strip your partner naked and trace light-fingered patterns across their back, neck and buttocks. It increases sensitivity and gets the loins a-droolin'!

4) Ladies - buy your guy a soft paintbrush and encourage him to delicately 'paint' around your labii, vulva and inner thighs until the sensation has you gagging for a porkin'!

5) Go to the supermarket wearing a mini skirt and no panties, pausing now and then to bend over. It's even better if your boyfriend is there to watch.

6) Next time you're lying on the grass in the park, why not have sex in full view of everyone else. This is Britain - nobody is going to say anything!

7) If you're not into anal, why not just rub a lubed bell against your partner's bronze knot before ejaculating there in a spectacular porno moment of mess? It's dirteh!

8) Pop to the lavs at work and stroke one off while thinking about that secretary / boss you fancy. Who'll know?
(frankspencer, Thu 7 Dec 2006, 11:23, Reply)

Never EVER stop....
... in the middle of a hoedown.
(LunarJim, Tue 5 Dec 2006, 8:06, Reply)

Being attacked in the street?
Don't shout "help!"; the state of the world as it is today means that most people would either think you're part of some practical joke/reality TV show, or simply run in fear themselves. Try shouting "fire!", and people will come running with camera phones and marshmallows.
( jme, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 17:02, Reply)

Save money on expensive fishnet stockings
by looking at your wife's legs through a sieve
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Mon 1 Aug 2011, 15:20, 6 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

Polish immigrants:
they'll be much shinier and more presentable that way.
(StapMyVitals wouldn't mind a bit of that, Sat 8 Jan 2011, 20:42, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

To Baroness Thatcher's Nurse.
A pillow firmly placed over the face of an 83 year old is a great way to keep them fit and active; especially when they are bed ridden in hospital.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 20 Oct 2010, 16:39, Reply)

An ex-girlfriend of mine was feeling upset and sad
She wanted to vent about her problems. I thought I was being helpful by explaining how she could solve them. After each one of my brilliant "solutions" she would say, "Yeah, but there's also.." and name another problem, to which I would provide a solution.

Finally, she got frustrated and said "I just want you to say you understand."

This was one of the most important things I ever learned.

Sometimes, when people are angry or frustrated and they want to complain about their problems, they don't want you to solve them: they just want to be acknowledged. They want you to listen and say "there there."

When you start giving them advice, it feels to them like you are not listening and you are just bossing them around, when they are venting because they feel like no one is listening anyway.

So, you can save yourself a lot of grief (and time, and mental energy) by just telling people who are angry and upset "I understand," instead of offering solutions. They'll feel better.

Apologies for dullness.
(TommyShanks, Sat 5 Jun 2010, 16:51, 10 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Sex toy storage
Can't get your drawer closed due to it being full of marital aids? You can save space by placing your cockrings onto your dildo, and storing your dildo inside your fleshlight.
(Spaff_Quaffer Wise fwom your gwave., Wed 24 Feb 2010, 10:16, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Stressed?
Go to the toilet, close your eyes and flush repeatedly while you let your imagination whisk you away to a moderately sized waterfall.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 22:52, Reply)

Prevent burglars stealing your cash
Destroy it securely using a cross-cut shredder.
( chart cat has an itch, Thu 11 Jun 2009, 8:08, Reply)

Flies?
Keep the flies off your dead girlfriends vagina by spreading jam on her face.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Sat 25 Apr 2009, 19:12, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Undercover Police
1: A 7 month old Vauxhall Vectra (in silver) is not the only available surveillance vehicle.
Try for something more local, e.g. V reg Nissan Primera in bottle green, Rover Metro (dysentry beige) or, if in Benwell, a burnt out Renault Megane. On bricks.

2: When choosing your outfit, think of something that may make you blend in. A local football team shirt is usually a good option, but do make sure it's not your one with "ROZZERS" and the number "999" on the back.
A white shirt, blue jeans, white trainers and leather/denim jacket are not as inconspicuous as you may think, unless you're doing a stakeout in the 80's. Here's a clue: look around you, but don't for the love of cunting fuck try to dress like the yoof. You might as well wear your high vis jacket and your tit hat.

3: On the subject of aforementioned police garb: don't leave it on the back parcel shelf of your surveillance vehicle.

4: Sitting in one spot staring at a front door with your engine running for 3 hours may well be thought of as being a wee bit suspicious. Even in Benwell.

5: IF you want to get entry to a property pretending to be from the gas board, then at least have a passing fucking clue what a gas meter/boiler looks like. By the way, they all stopped wearing overalls in the 80's.

6: When you go for coffee and doughnuts and the friendly shopkeep asks you what you're doing in this part of town, don't say. "oh we're watching a house. You know, number 97. 3 doors down from here. The one with a red door. Turns out he likes drugs, guns and midget porn. But keep it quiet." He may have friends in the area.
( Undercovercarrot got done for gross misconduct on..., Sat 28 Mar 2009, 7:42, Reply)

Avoid paper cuts by
cutting off the sharp edges of the paper first.
(The Oscillating Gibbon is eating curried squid, Tue 24 Mar 2009, 15:24, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Alarm Clock
If you haven't got an alarm clock, a vacuum cleaner and timer switch will suffice.

The accommodation I moved into when starting my first job had a radiator attached to a timer.

So, lacking a mains powered radio or stereo, the vacuum method is how I awoke on my first day at work.

Advantages: immediately awake, no need for coffee.

Disadvantages: bedsheets need cleaning.

I bought an alarm clock from Woolies at lunchtime...
(Mucky has squinted at the screen with one eye shut since, Sat 20 Dec 2008, 19:05, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Convince millions
of people that you are doing them a favour by temporarily dropping VAT by 2.5% but raising fags, booze and vroom juice by the same amount.

A few months later raise the VAT back up to 17.5% BUT leave the extra on fags, booze and juice!

Voila! A sneaky rise on the things people buy a lot of, whilst at the same time claiming to be helping people!

(of course, with haulage firms being only able to claim back 15% of their vroom juice, you've effectively made their journeys 2.5% more expensive too, so shops will charge more and you claim the extra in sales taxes, nice! Plus taxi firms will increase prices, and thus killing off even more of the dwindling pub trade and keeping more proles at home watching BBC propaganda - double whammy!)
(dchurch bah, Tue 25 Nov 2008, 18:20, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Another solution for crabs
Whiskey and Sand.
Rub them both in to your nads.
The buggers get pissed and throw rocks at each other.
(Kliper Filllets Getting noticed by twats on the internet since, Sun 16 Nov 2008, 21:42, Reply)

Do not use a nasal inhaler in Iceland
You'll wreck yer Vick
(kingnutter, Thu 7 Aug 2008, 16:31, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Don't like your monitor?
To get a new monitor, place a nail here [X] and hammer.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Mon 26 May 2008, 12:56, Reply)

Prevent people sitting in the seat next to you on public busses and trains
by putting an old pair of Y fronts that you've previously stained with tea on the relevant seat.

It's better than using a rucksack because no-one will have any idea that they're yours.

If someone makes eye contact whilst seeking a seat simply look at the 'offending' pants, scrunch your face up in disgust and shrug slightly.
(Nobody Likes Mortal Wombat, Tue 4 Mar 2008, 21:12, Reply)

Actual genuine tip that's not particularly funny but you might find useful:
Lidl gets a really bad press as a cheap n nasty food supermarket spoken of in a similar vein to Iceland or Netto, but 'cos it gets most it's food from European sources where food directives about quality and standards are much much stricter than here, it may well be cheap, but large quantities of it are equivalent to that over priced shite we get sold for massive mark ups in M&S 'cos it's described as 'organic', ie, it is not fucked about with in a factory process to make it go further.

Example: Bacon, cheap supermarket bacon in this country is complete and utter shite, read the label, how the fuck can bacon, supposedly actual pieces of a pig, be 85% meat!? WTF is the other 15%!? Lidl's basic bacon ingredients: Dry cured pork, salt.

In the frozen section you will also find the best American steaks available in this country for only £3 for 2, ingredients: hung beef steak.

Don't diss Lidl unless you have ever tried it, they may well give Iceland style prices and have products you need to speak a second language to comprehend what it is inside, but unlike said Iceland, said products actually contain food!

Hell, they even have mince that isn't transparent pink and doesn't melt when heated, and pizza that actually uses tomato paste, doesn't have the word 'flavour' after it's description of topping, and has actual cheese!

Who would have thunk it!?

If like me you shop on a tight budget, but can't live on over processed shite nor always get to the local market, give it a go.

Do not, however, ever work for them. Ever. And I'd avoid the fresh veg, the staff aren't payed enough to look after it properly so 'fresh' is often a bit euphemistic...
( ..wil, Wed 19 Dec 2007, 14:15, 10 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

whenver veiwing QOTW answers
that are from Willenium always click 'I like this'
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Sat 1 Sep 2007, 0:08, Reply)

Don't waste money
On an expensive Apple Mac computer. Simply buy an ordinary PC and always use it in 'safe mode' thus severely limiting its capabilities.
( NotDavidBailey isn't all that sure that he is?, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 19:26, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

spiders
Having trouble catching a spider under a glass? Blow gently on the fellow - this tends to make them retract their legs and remain still in an attempt not to be blown clean away. This makes capture easier.

not quite as easy as stamping on it, admittedly.
(cap'nj, Sat 19 May 2007, 2:26, Reply)

Save money
Don't throw away your marigolds when they're getting old and moldy. Sell them to farmers who can cut off the fingers and use them as peephole bras for cows.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Sat 19 May 2007, 2:10, Reply)

car washing
put off annoying neighbours saying "you can do mine next!!" by simply producing a hammer and smashing your windscreen in when you see the grinning plebs start to wander over.
(mr kyle he's a silly bastard, the one who posted before me, Mon 16 Apr 2007, 21:16, Reply)

Women..
Stop saying that all men are arseholes, when in fact all the men YOU have been out with are arseholes and you are therefore an arsehole magnet...

PS your bum DOES look big in that
(likeajackhammer, Wed 14 Feb 2007, 9:26, Reply)

pooing
take all your dumps at work.

this way you'll save the money on toilet paper, plus you'll be getting paid for it.
(sweatytramp, Wed 13 Dec 2006, 11:04, Reply)

*Clue
"Here's a great tip for removing any annoying little hairs that collect in the bath plughole: tempt them up with a carrot and pull them out by their long floppy ears."
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Fri 8 Dec 2006, 11:13, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Out in town...
...need to fart but you're wearing headphones so are afraid that others will hear, but you won't know if it was noisy or not?

Don't worry about it, just let rip, then laugh to yourself.

Works for me.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Tue 5 Dec 2006, 11:35, Reply)

Safety first
Want to avoid getting run-over whilst crossing the road?

simply steal an owl egg and raise the baby owl to hoot once when it sees a car approaching and twice when it is clear to cross.

Then, fashion a klu klux klan-style hood out of leather and super glue the owls feet to the top of it. Make sure you put this on whenever you leave the house.

VOILA - you are now safe from becoming just another motoring statistic.
(Digstar fu#king loves biscuits, Sun 3 Dec 2006, 19:17, Reply)

Want to watch your favourite movie?
Get a laptop with wifi, and randomly scan outside peoples houses until you can connect. Torrent it to the fuck, then drive home for a genuine "Drive In Movie" feel.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 16:58, Reply)

Got cupboards?
save money on expensive children,
lock them in the cupboard when they want something.
( gaijintendo Regular Member, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 16:52, Reply)

Wear a noose as a tie for a job interview. In case it all goes wrong.

( Lord Aerixis, Fri 15 Jan 2016, 18:10, Reply)

Insomniacs.
Look on the bright side. It's only 3 sleeps til Christmas
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Sat 17 May 2014, 11:17, Reply)

Fool people into thinking you've got an
E-cigarette by standing in a doorway & blowing sherbet out of a biro.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 6 Nov 2013, 10:07, Reply)

Just soaked a pedestrian by driving your 4x4 through a puddle?
Make sure you don't then stop at the garage 200 yards further up the road as your windscreen wipers may disappear while you are paying for your petrol.
(GingerIrishTosser isn't dead yet., Mon 14 Feb 2011, 12:31, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Make your own green tea...
By mixing yellow and blue tea together.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 15:36, Reply)

Ladies
When I text you a picture of my cock it's good manners to reply with a picture of your fanny.
(bunglist, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 8:39, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Save money on an expensive snow globe
by simply leaving BBC News 24 on all day.
( Mr Nerdy-Speccy-FuckNuts Ouchy ouchy wa wa!, Sat 18 Dec 2010, 20:04, Reply)

Convince people you are lighter than air
by doing a hand-stand on your roof and shouting "I can't hold on much longer!"
( Mr Nerdy-Speccy-FuckNuts Ouchy ouchy wa wa!, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 15:55, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Conspiracy
Make your neighbours think you have your own Area 51 situation by erecting a large marquee in your back garden and filling it with bright floodlights. Then occasionally wander in and out in a bee-keeper's uniform.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 19 Oct 2010, 17:44, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Save money on expensive anti-theft markers
by wanking on all your consumer electronics. Not only will it show up under ultra-violet lamps but it will contain your own unique DNA as a way of tying you to your gadgets.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Thu 14 Oct 2010, 22:26, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Lorry drivers
If, between sessions of murdering prostitutes, you ever find yourself behind the wheel of a red Volvo extended articulated flatbed with a crane, an ever-so-witty "if you can't see my mirrors, I can't see you" sticker, and a license plate which reads X474JOF, on a soaking wet spray-filled M25, and you want to move right from lane 1 to lane 2, you should consider your wing mirrors entirely optional. There is no requirement whatsoever to check for any cars which might be sitting in lane 2, parallel to your fuel tank, and which might have their headlights switched on in an evidently vain attempt to improve other drivers' chances of seeing them. Your fellow road users always appreciate the bowel-loosening rush of fear and adrenaline which accompanies the realisation that they could be dead in less than a minute. Furthermore, if any such road users ever drop down two gears and floor it past the front of your lorry because the other three options are to brake hard enough for your lorry to pass in front completely before it completes its lane change and either lose traction on the wet road or be rear-ended by a van, swerve to the right and hit the passenger side of another car, or remain in position and be crushed by your lorry, you should consider it your duty to lean on the horn and flash your headlights in a specious attempt to rebuke the other driver for averting a collision and saving his own life, because such audible and visual signals serve to let other road users know what a useless, fat, mouth-breathing cunt you are.
( flake has nothing against your right leg, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 17:58, 7 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Give your girlfriend the most incredible sex she's ever had
By telling her to sleep with me.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 3 Sep 2010, 12:13, 5 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Want Surround Sound but don't want to fork out on expensive speakers?
Simply put another TV behind your couch, and tune it in to the same program, et voila.
(Lannes, Mon 28 Jun 2010, 20:57, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Have you made someone else's toilet smell?
Mask the smell by striking a match and set fire to the curtains.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 30 Nov 2009, 19:48, Reply)

Get attention by acting surprised when your loved one who joined the army of their own volition gets deaded in Afghanistan.
Gain extra points by claiming it's the fault of politicans for starting wars.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 10 Nov 2009, 11:36, 13 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Corpse Gardening
Have a spare corpse in the lounge,but not sure what to do with it? Ta Daa! Problem solved!

1)Hollow it out
2) Fill with sand. I find good quality sheep manure works best
3) Punch holes in corpse
4) Insert some seeds in holes. Nothing with complicated root systems.
5) Pour water in mouth
6) watch, wait and enjoy.

My corpse has a fully automated watering system discreetly rigged through the arsehole. It looks mint.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Wed 5 Aug 2009, 23:54, Reply)

Fancy winding up your friends?
At the end of every text you send, cut off half the last word, and replace it with *some text missing*.
( the pink chicken sniffer sniffs pink chickens., Mon 27 Jul 2009, 19:09, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Bored?
Believe it or not, typing up how bored you are on Facebook doesn't actually cure boredom.
(almightyjoey is most likely listening to Electric Wizard on, Fri 17 Jul 2009, 14:18, 7 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Girls
At work, forgot your tampons? no worries! Just bleed on the chair and pretend you sat on a strawberry.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Tue 3 Feb 2009, 15:49, Reply)

Recycling Tip
Don't throw away your old copies of OK! magazine. Following Kerry Katona's bankruptcy, they can double as handy catalogues for the Warrington branch of Cash Converters.
(costas, Thu 21 Aug 2008, 22:08, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Don't overkill flying insects
Insect spray kills bugs. Fire kills bugs. However, turning inspect spray into a portable flamethrower with your trusty lighter doesn't guarantee some sort of uberkill; it just removes your housemate's eyebrows.
(FoxyBadger (try saying it backwards), Tue 5 Aug 2008, 11:44, Reply)

Town/city dwelling 4 x 4 owners
Your gleaming prize will not disintegrate if you get some mud on it.
If you're in a country lane you can 'get in the hedge a bit' when somebody is approaching in the opposite direction.
They're designed for going off-road not running people off the road. Cunts.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Fri 25 Jul 2008, 8:34, Reply)

Never
sneeze whilst hiding
( ablufia v0.43 - have your face drawn, Sat 12 Jul 2008, 9:13, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Africans
Stop banging on about walking 10 miles each day just to collect fresh water.
Remember that you live in mud nuts, it’s not like you’ve got a fucking mortgage.
Move closer!
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Wed 9 Jul 2008, 13:23, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Sex in public loos tip
When banging someone in a public loo put a tesco packet on each shoe. That way when someone comes round to check they'll look under the door and only see two feet and two bags of shopping.

(thanks to my brother for this top tip)
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 12:09, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Builders
Why not piss everyone off by doing all the drilling, banging and other noisy work at 7.30 am, especially at weekends, and once you've got everyone out of bed the wrong side go off and have a four hour tea break before doing the quiet work?

You mean you do that already? Never...
(eesnahk, Sat 14 Jun 2008, 18:35, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Save yourself getting arrested on Child Porn charges
and download midget porn instead. It's very similar and the added bonus is the tits/cocks are adult sized.
( Roland E O'Dorant R Tape loading error, 0:1, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 23:08, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

Feeling patriotic?
Go abroad and get sh*tfaced every day until you puke.Try to wear as little clothing as possible and make sure every piss you have is on or as near as possible to a treasured national monument. Always speak English slowly to the local spanish waiter while doing 'wanker' movements with your hand to your mate. When walking along and you finish a beer always smash the bottle on the ground and if in a pub try to glass at least one local during your stay. Boycott restaurants that serve local food and make sure you leer at everything with a fanny so they know where you from. Try not to go out in groups of less than 20 people and always make sure at least one of your party is draped in an England flag at all times and someone shouts C*******NNNNNTTTTT!!! at random intervals. These intervals should not exceed a period of 1 minute - this is very important otherwise people may forget where you are from.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Thu 10 Apr 2008, 20:22, 3 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

As many know I've recently had 2 of my ribs cracked in a random street assault.
Here are some (unusually) serious tips I've learned for anyone who gets similarly disadvantaged on how to deal with the pain and repair period:

At first it doesn't seem too bad, but the pain gets worse before things get better. Co-codamol 30/500 tablets are great for pain relief but you will need to get them prescribed, as the nerves regenerate where your ribs are cracked they'll feel like a knife attack whenever you move, so you will need these or something similar, but follow the instructions EXACTLY and never take more than recommended nor mix with paracetamol, or you can face irreversible liver damage. Seriously.

During the first few weeks it's best to move as little as possible, and if you cough or, heaven forbid, sneeze, you will often hear a crack and it will hurt like hell and you can be floored for hours as things start to re-settle themselves, so here are some ways to help:

Simply holding your nose and gently massaging it will end the urge to sneeze, you can't always catch 'em in time, but this will stop one you feel coming on.

You must cough and take deep breathes as much as possible, like once every few hours, even tho every fibre of your being says not to, or you will get pneumonia as fluids collect in your lungs. Standing and getting a cushion or pillow and pressing it to the affected area as you do so helps loads. There is nothing anyone can do about the pain of doing this and I must admit I avoided it on my worst days, but a hug afterwards helps.

You may have to sleep sitting up to stop the 'weight on the heart' feeling that comes from laying down, make a 'ramp' from lots of pillows and cushions, but if you really have to lay on your side to get some good sleep, then a small cushion under the gap beneath the shoulder coupled with a rolled one to hold in the arms seemed to work well for me.

You occasionally get this awful feeling like something is putting pressure on your chest and you can't breath, try not to panic, this is normal, try to ride thru it, but if you really can't get a breathe, don't be afraid to get driven to A&E or call 999, better safe than sorry.

It takes 4-6 weeks for this to heal, just take it easy and no matter how bored or frustrated you get, try and stay in bed and do bugger all for the first couple of weeks. Stay off the pills and booze as much as you can to try and keep your body healthy, only use 'em if you really need 'em, night time is the worst, if you can't sleep, just rest and find something to entertain yourself and take cat naps when you can.

A hot water bottle on the area helps.

It's nearly been a month now for me and I'm just getting right again, my left arm and shoulder joint is still not right and is weaker than my right, and I still get pain if I do too much with it so I still have a way to go, but my ribs and lungs seem to be working OK now and everything seems to be steadily repairing.

So you need patience and time and pain relief, but it does repair eventually, just keep plodding on, and don't try too hard.

Hope that helps someone.
( ..wil, Tue 12 Feb 2008, 17:13, 6 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

The Chivalry Act
If, god forbid, you are like me and my friends in that you can make charming witty conversation with women all night but the conversation opener scares you more than castration by spoon, this is for you.

Find a group of girls (prefferably only 2) in a club (doesn't work well in a pub or anywhere before 1 in the morning). Send one of your mates over to said girls either pissed out of his brains to the point of slavering or at least pretending, and here comes the chivalry.
Give your mate about 20 seconds to make those girls disgusted with every part of his being then go over, tell your mate to fuck off back to the bar and apoligies to the ladies offering to get them a drink.

This is a reasonably good technique though sometimes you do wonder why you are sober as a judge pretending to be some kind of drunken rapist just so your mate can try and get laid.
(ludwigvanbeefoven, Sat 12 Jan 2008, 21:14, Reply)

Not that B3tans would know much about manual labor
...what with fucking off on the computer for hours on end, but if you've been working with concrete, the best way to keep your hands from drying up and looking like a scaly old OAP's grizzled hands is to wash them with vinegar after. The acidity in the vinegar counters the alkilinty of the concrete and leaves your hands soft enough that your lady won't think a lizard's trying to feel her up.
( Heffrey wants to show you his wood at SmileMoon.etsy.com, Sun 4 Nov 2007, 13:15, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

Make people laugh by..
Finding two words in the English language that sound like each other and then construct a sentence where it could be interpreted as grammatically correct using either word. That's hardcore punography.
(Cuthbert Annihilator, Tue 3 Jul 2007, 1:11, Reply)

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES




1. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you
from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

2. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will
be afraid to cough.

3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.

4. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply
using the sink.

5. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a
few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use
a timer.

6. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will
forget about the toothache.


Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:
You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.
If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.
If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Always remember...
* Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
* Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
* If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.
And finally.........
* Be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might
need them to empty your bedpan.
(cornish_breeze I havnt failed! I found 1000 ways that didnt work!, Sun 24 Jun 2007, 14:37, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Running a knife
along the teeth of a fine-toothed comb in a rhythmical fashion acts as an adequate metronome for training centipedes to tap-dance.
( NotDavidBailey isn't all that sure that he is?, Wed 20 Jun 2007, 16:22, Reply)

Secrecy
If you are a member of a girl band and have recently married a black premiership footballer to cover up your racism and his homosexuality, I would suggest not stating this loudly in a Newcastle clubs ladies room as someone may over hear you.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Mon 18 Jun 2007, 16:23, Reply)

Do you drive a black, 52 reg Vauxhall Corsa?
Why don't you drive at 40mph in the overtaking lane of the A10 oblivious to the fact that there is a queue of cars waiting for you to move over while you're engrossed in riveting coversation with your passenger.

Then you can cause much merriment by slamming on your brakes and swerving across two lanes when you realise you're about to miss your turnoff at Broxbourne.

Better yet, you might be utterly baffled as to why the bloke behind you in the red Alfa Romeo was shouting "You fucking stupid idiot!" at you.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Wed 13 Jun 2007, 11:24, Reply)

Girls
Instead of complaining that all men are bastards, don't go out with bastards.
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Sun 27 May 2007, 13:06, Reply)

Sweetcorn lovers....
Save time and energy chewing, just pour the corn straight into the toilet bowl.
(Buster Gonad needs to borrow your wheelbarrow on, Sat 19 May 2007, 0:46, Reply)

Best tip ever.
Never call a policeman a cunt to his face.
(A Hospital Carpark, Fri 18 May 2007, 21:53, Reply)

Bogroll reuse
It is acceptable to blow your nose onto a piece of bogroll, then fold it over and wipe your arse with the same sheet.

Never, ever do this the other way around.
( .spanky is singing "PEANUTS!", Fri 13 Apr 2007, 10:51, Reply)

Piccadilly Line Commuters
Make the nation's capital a marginally more bearable place by remembering that the thing you're striving with murderous determination to reach is actually just a fucking job, that the global economy won't stutter to a halt if you land at your desk 15 minutes late, and that your manager is painfully aware that your reliance on London Transport means your arrival times will be at best wildly erratic, and any faint hope of sustained punctuality is frankly pie in the fucking sky, instead of harbouring a pathological hatred of anyone who has the staggering audacity to attempt to board a train at roughly the same time as you without first demonstrating, under laboratory conditions, a deep and profound insight into the innermost workings and vaguest subtleties of a huge and unfamiliar city's gargantuan and barely-functional public transport system.
(Monkey Tennis isn't Spartacus, Thu 22 Feb 2007, 12:30, Reply)

ALWAYS poo at work...
... you save money on toilet paper AND you're getting paid to do it! :-)
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Thu 15 Feb 2007, 16:17, Reply)

Dog Owners
Avoid having to tidy up dog mess when out and about, by feeding your dog condoms. Therefore producing the offending turds in little bags...
(likeajackhammer, Wed 14 Feb 2007, 9:27, Reply)

Curry
if you are going out for a curry put bog rolls in the fridge before you go to bed.
(archstanton The gold is next to me....leave me be, Wed 3 Jan 2007, 14:28, Reply)

a McDonalds 'Big Mac'

makes an ideal substitute for food.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Wed 27 Dec 2006, 9:38, Reply)

got a problem?

Look, I'll solve it: check out the beat, while the DJ revolves it.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Wed 6 Dec 2006, 10:25, Reply)

Having trouble using chopsticks?
Use a fork; you're not an ape for fuck's sake.

EDIT

( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Wed 6 Dec 2006, 9:49, Reply)

Jiz
After a raunchy night with someone in bed, always check that your partner hasn't spat out your man goo into the glass of water next to the bed before you drink it all.

This happened to me, which was interesting.
( Actually i was skiving on, Mon 4 Dec 2006, 14:53, Reply)

Top Tips
Everest: 8,848m
Ben Nevis: 1,344m
Mont Blanc: 4,808m

*gets coat in shameful pun*
(tarbin tarbis, tarbit, tarbamus, tarbimus, tarbant, Mon 4 Dec 2006, 14:01, Reply)

To piss your girlfriend off..
Whilst you're having sex, call her up and tell her!
(mannitol, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 18:14, Reply)

Viz editors

Stop ripping off our ideas.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 17:28, Reply)

Getting undressed with an eligible bachalorette?
Make sure you take your socks off before your trousers. Men look fucking stupid wearing just socks and boxers or worse yet just socks.
( Captain V, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 17:27, 1 reply, 11 years ago)

think you can do a great Austin Powers impersonation?

You can't.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 17:19, Reply)

candle wax
If you get candle wax on your carpet or clothing just place a square of kitchen roll over the wax and iron over it. lifts it off with out leaving a mark.

A hair dryer can also be used but doesn't work as well
(hamchicken&peas, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 16:58, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Buying heroin?
Get a bit extra for later, as it can be quite moreish.
( $$ ✅, Mon 3 Aug 2015, 13:48, Reply)

If your wife/girlfriend
asks if you fancy a 3-bird roast for Christmas, don't get your hopes up.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 5 Dec 2014, 12:28, 1 reply, 10 years ago)

Get carbon neutral by ensuring it has exactly six electrons.

( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Fri 20 Dec 2013, 2:49, Reply)

Play a real life game of Guess Who
by asking your wife if she has a beard before pushing her over.
(Eukanuba, Sun 9 Jun 2013, 13:38, 1 reply, 11 years ago)

Tip Top Tip
Is your neighbour a total bastard? Is your postman a lazy bastard? If the latter keeps stuffing the former's mail through your letterbox, don't waste time re-delivering it to the correct house. Instead, leave it in one of the bin-bags next time you go fly-tipping to give the council a handy hint as to who left all that crap there.
(costas, Mon 26 Dec 2011, 16:52, Reply)

Avoid the embarrassment of buying love eggs.
Simply collect discarded kinder egg toy shells from playgrounds and fill with bees.
( Cerebus Sticky! Sticky! Stick! Stick!, Wed 9 Nov 2011, 16:11, 4 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

An old Christmas tree makes a good substitute for Amy Winehouse
It's 5' tall, dead and surrounded by needles.
( Vambo, Fri 29 Jul 2011, 16:59, Reply)

Snooker balls covered in glue and rolled in iron filings make ideal "bollocks" for male sex robots.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 11 May 2011, 14:03, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Phones
When you detect your battery may be low, be sure to flash and vibrate every minute to ensure the already dwindling power supply lasts for a shorter period of time than it could
(whorsepower needs an amusing sig, Mon 28 Mar 2011, 8:24, Reply)

Orchard owners who don't like apples
Man the fuck up and grow a pear.
(StapMyVitals wouldn't mind a bit of that, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 12:41, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Travelling somewhere by taxi?
Convince passing traffic you were on 'Come Dine With Me' by sitting in the back holding up laminated numbers.
( Mr Nerdy-Speccy-FuckNuts Ouchy ouchy wa wa!, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 18:21, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Can't be bothered with capital letters?
Just hope you never have to help your Uncle Jack off a horse.
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Tue 14 Dec 2010, 9:32, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Woken up feeling a bit miserable?
Cheer yourself up by making the day seem like a special occasion by cutting your toast into triangles.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 12:25, 7 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Did that cunt Blair and his New Labour disgrace piss you off so much you are considering voting for the Conservatives.
Don't.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Mon 29 Mar 2010, 1:00, 4 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Modern Day Male Pornstars
Why not wait until you are on the brink of ejaculating before withdrawing from your cinematic partner, that way your audience won't be put off their vinegar strokes by having to watch ten minutes of you trying to crack one off.
(Cochise, Fri 5 Feb 2010, 0:51, Reply)

Give the illusion that a cat is trying to impress you
by leaving a dead mouse on your doorstep every day
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 3 Feb 2010, 12:50, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

When walking to work through the snow,
confuse potential stalkers by wearing clown shoes and dragging a stick behind you.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Fri 18 Dec 2009, 14:21, Reply)

bosses
Avoid your staff striking by treating them with a little less contempt.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 18 Dec 2009, 14:06, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Demonstrate your solidarity with the people of Cockermouth
by having a nice long shower.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Tue 24 Nov 2009, 10:39, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Stolen from sickipedia, but good nevertheless
Tip for breast men: when shopping in the supermarket, miss out the first aisle so as to be going against the flow.

Arse men should follow the usual route.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 22 Oct 2009, 15:16, 8 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Don't go to the beach with your friend Charlie
He can't surf for siht.
( Crap Little Monkey Deathstar, so good they built it twice, Thu 8 Oct 2009, 12:59, Reply)

PARENTS:
A small amount of cement added to your child's sandcastle will ensure that his/her hard work is not ruined when the tide comes in.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 11:22, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

MJ
Popstar who you're too young to remember and whose music you only know through student cheese-nights has died?

Why not download the best of from iTunes and play it loudly to the office all day, frequently commenting on 'what a great song this is!' as though you've never heard it before, then complain that someone's 'showing no respect' when they ask you to turn it off, as though it's like your fucking brother died or something.

Bint.
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Mon 29 Jun 2009, 14:47, 7 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Save a fortune on household cleaning products and help the environment at the same time.
All your cleaning product can be made from the same few products. I have listed the prices that are current to Sainsburies:

Lemon juice (squeezey bottle) - £0.32p
Bicarb of soda - £0.75p
Distilled vinegar 1l (not malt) - £1.38p
Table salt - £0.42
Tea tree oil - £4.13p
Total - £7.00p

These will last a about two months, you will also need a couple of left over spray bottle from your original cleaners.

Surfaces, sinks, toilets and hobs: 1/3 vinegar, about three table spoons of lemon juice (or a good squirt), two teaspoons of teatree oil and fill the rest up with water (shake well before use).
This will clean all surfaces around the house including the kitchen, hobs, sinks and toilets.
When cleaning toilets and sinks spray and then lightly sprinkle (I use an icing sugar shaker) bicarbonate of soda over the bowl or sinks and then give a good scrub. This method also shine taps and household metal up a treat. The lemon makes the it smell nice and acts as a bleach, the vinegar disinfects as does the tea tree oil but gives a great shine. The foaming action of the bicarb lifts dirt and works with the lemon to smell nice and fresh.

Windows and mirrors: Use the same mixture on the hob, if you have stubborn stain pour half/half salt and bicarb and make a paste with the spray. That works as a great scourer.

For windows and mirrors use a 50/50 vinegar and water mix and use old newspaper not a cloth (although this tends to have issues with Windows Vista but what doesn't). The paper soaks up the water and stops streaking while the vinegar shines. Most window and mirror cleaners are vinegar based anyway.

Wood and non carpeted floors: Use half a cup of vinegar in half a bucket of warm water.

There was many more uses for these products including carpet stain removers and air freshers just to name two but those are the basics.

So if you assume these will last you two months, that's your household cleaning for 88p a week assuming that you clean your house everyday. If you only do it once a week then we're talking 12p a week.
( riverghost servicing your mum since, Sun 21 Jun 2009, 11:22, 9 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Genuine gardening top tip.
If, like me you can't be buggered to spend hours digging up the tap-roots of the weeds in your garden, to garuntee eliminating the pesky fuckers there's a simple solution.
Cut the top off the plant and pour spirit vinegar onto cut stem.This will fuck with the plants P.H balance and swiftly kill it,right down to the root.
As vinegar is cheaper than bottled water this will save you a fortune over buying 'Weed-fucker' or 'Lawn-Max' or similar over-priced shite and is better for the environment.
You might like to spend the cash you saved on Scotch and fags.Just an idea.
(yob soddoth happiness is a Dane called Hamlet?, Wed 17 Jun 2009, 12:57, Reply)

Can't think up a decent top tip?
then fuck off
(mmmkay, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 3:16, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Want to book a delivery from Tesco more than two weeks ahead?
Simply edit the URL in their dumb-ass web-site.

Click a future date range and you get a page with a URL including "week=1" or "week=2".

There's no link to anything further ahead, but it works up to week=5 by simply editing the page address. So you can book your groceries to arrive the morning you get back from your 3-week holiday.

Now that's quality site security.
( Ugi , it's a game of give and cake, Tue 19 May 2009, 13:49, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Coma playlist
In the likely event of you becoming comatose in the future, create a playlist on your generic mp3 player called 'coma' and then your loved ones can play tunes that will revive you from your near death experience. Don't just put nice ones in, put ones that enrage you also like the cheeky girls or joe dolce as that might get you up roaring and screaming.

Also, do a playlist called 'funeral' but put some fake mp3 files in with you swearing and cursing at your family for being scum - then when they play it at your funeral you'll get the last laugh, although you'll be dead and incapable of using your lungs.
(bagend, Tue 12 May 2009, 15:42, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Facebook users
If you've split up with someone or have emotional issues, or something bad/exciting/odd has happened, just fucking say it. Don't do a status update of something along the lines of "Herman is upset today...."

It doesn't make you look enigmatic. It just makes you look like a helmet.
( Undercovercarrot got done for gross misconduct on..., Tue 7 Apr 2009, 9:10, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Kids Clothes
Name all your kids "George" then buy all their clothes from Asda, thereby removing the need to sew in costly name tags.
(cuntchops, Wed 7 Jan 2009, 13:57, Reply)

My Christmas Survival Guide
#1: Carol Singers.

Simply put on a skull-cap, walk up to the door singing ‘Hava Nagila’ loudly, and answer the door with a big smile and a cry of ‘Shalom!’.

#2: The Shopping.

You will need a willing accomplice for this. Take one handkerchief and liberally splatter with drops of yellow, green and above all, red food colouring. Then walk around coughing loudly, waving the handkerchief and arguing with your accomplice that ‘No, the doctor didn’t say it was contagious, did he?’.

#3: Presents.

Buy everyone a box of batteries labeled with ‘Gift Not Included’.

#4: Midnight Mass.

Bored of the same old hymns? Start creating your own lyrics and slipping them into familiar songs, a point for each one nobody notices. By the way, ‘Labeled Four Cheeses’ makes a great substitute for ‘Lord Baby Jesus’.

#5: Christmas Dinner.

An easy one this. Just ply everyone with plenty of drinks, ensure that there are plenty of nibbles to hand, and at a strategic point, when everyone is drunk enough, stand up and announce ‘I’ll just do the washing up then’. If you’ve done it right, they’ll all say ‘No, leave it til later, let dinner go down first’.

#6: Not enough ‘specialized’ drinks for cocktails etc.

Stock up before Christmas with plenty of cheap vodka, then just add it to various household liquids for the desired effect. Sugar and instant coffee makes a good substitute for Tia Maria, mouthwash makes an excellent ersatz Crème De Menthe, and a tin of custard provides the perfect advocaat.

#7: Decorating the tree.

Explain how you’re going back to the more traditional ideas this Christmas, and bring a bucket of chicken entrails into the room. Hey presto, plenty of volunteers for decorating the tree, as long as they don’t want to do it with the entrails of course. Though if they do, remember that entrails are biodegradable, ecologically friendly, and the smell will leave the house in a few years anyway.

#8: Arguments over what to watch on the TV.

Kick the screen in. That way, no more TV, no more arguments.

#9: Crap songs on the radio.

For this solution you will need:
1 500ml plastic bottle a quarter full of petrol
1 sack of fertilizer
10 bags of sugar
1 functional mobile phone, fully charged with SIM card and the number
2 wires, approximately 1ft in length each
Some tools, namely a miniature screwdriver set and a set of fine wire-strippers
A roll of electrical tape and a roll of duct tape
An old car, preferably one you wouldn’t mind seeing blown up
The address of the local radio station

Erm, perhaps this one wouldn’t be such a good idea…
(Tyburn Finds the name Lauren Muff inexplicably funny, Sat 18 Oct 2008, 0:36, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

bukkake
Completely satisfy your bukkake urges by ram-raiding a spermbank with a minibus full of cheerleaders.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sat 11 Oct 2008, 1:59, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

TV Tips
If you miss a programme on Channel 4, don't panic; You can catch it one hour later on Channel 4+1 (Sky channel 135).

If you miss a programme on Dave, don't panic; You can catch it one hour later on Dave+1 (Sky channel 158).

If you miss a programme on ITV1, don't panic; It was probably shit anyway.
(costas, Sat 6 Sep 2008, 22:15, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Try the Korean meatballs.
They're the dog's bollocks!
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Wed 27 Aug 2008, 8:53, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Christian?
Dying pet rodent? Worried the kids might be upset?
Kill two birds with one stone by tying it to a couple of helium balloons, releasing it and telling the kids it's going to "heaven".
And you won't even have to worry about burying the thing.
( krang, Tue 29 Jul 2008, 19:05, Reply)

Stag night parties
Why not go to Prague, Budapest, Riga or any other Eastern European capital for your festivities? In those countries they all speak funny languages so you don't have to try to say anything in the local lingo as it's far too difficult for your collective brain cell to comprehend, and anyway most of them speak English (probably better than you do). You can vomit on the streets, harass the local women, sing stupid songs all night and ignore local laws and customs safe in the knowledge that you're just jolly good chaps out for a good time. It's warm enough to go everywhere with your hairy beer bellies hanging out too!

On the other hand - why don't you just fucking stay at home and behave as you usually do in your local? At least people there probably understand or tolerate twats like you. Nobody in any European country wants you. Not at all. Really.

I'll probably get a lot of flak for this one but having lived in Prague for a few years I mean it very, very seriously.
(eesnahk, Sun 20 Jul 2008, 1:29, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Rising petrol costs?
Don't go to the petrol station when your tank is empty, go when it's half full and your petrol bills will mysteriously halve.
( harryfreeze Ignore, Hide, I like this!, Reply, Sat 12 Jul 2008, 10:36, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

beverages
If you are arseing about with a Soda Stream, do not make carbonated milk. It is quite possibly the most putrid drink you will ever taste.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 8 Jul 2008, 18:26, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

annoy and baffle the easily annoyed and baffled by

insisting that real life objects are photoshoped . . .

'hey everyone, like my new phone !'

'nah man thats clearly been photoshopped.. the buttons don't look real'

'hey everyone , meet my new girlfriend Susan'

'nah man shes been photoshoped, those tits aren't real and her skin is all airbrushed . .

and so on an so forth
(The Cats Twat, Sat 10 May 2008, 20:54, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Convenience
Using a stirrup-pump and a scale model of the Bingley Five Rise Locks, it is possible to take a crap without leaving the comfort of the sofa.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 25 Mar 2008, 2:01, Reply)

Top Tip
Bored of sex with your wife?

Simply sit on her for half an hour, hey presto!, she will go numb and it will feel like someone else is doing it.
(Ellis, Mon 17 Mar 2008, 13:11, Reply)

When breaking up with your significant other..
Do it by text.It saves you having to listen to them cry/whine/beg etc
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Fri 8 Feb 2008, 14:58, Reply)

Pedestrians!
Pedestrians! See the little bike sign painted at regular intervals on half of the extremely wide pavement? That's a CYCLE LANE, so if you don't want a knobbly tyre up your ringpiece, stay on your own side!
(kna has forgotten everything., Thu 6 Dec 2007, 22:04, Reply)

Problem with cold callers at your door?
simply let them in, nip to the kitchen to make them a drink, slip out the back door, ring the old bill and tell them you have burglers in your house!
(MudButton does not mean to offend but......, Thu 18 Oct 2007, 12:22, Reply)

Youths
Enjoy subjecting others to the dire, tinny, pisspoor excuse for music from your mobile instead of wearing headphones?

Shove the phone violently up your arse, the acoustics will make the music sound better, honestly!
( abefroman skating on the thin life of modern life on, Thu 18 Oct 2007, 11:25, Reply)

Frozen Peas? No, no, no! Blueberries!
Somehow, frozen peas have become the food product of choice for icing injuries. This is so, so wrong.

When the peas thaw, what do you have? Raw, mushy peas. You have to throw the bag away, it's worthless. Unless you're completely skint and have to eat them anyway, that is.

Instead of frozen peas, I recommend using frozen blueberries. They work just as well as frozen peas as an icepack, and when they thaw, you have a tasty treat!

After all, if you need an icepack, chances are you deserve, or maybe desperately need, a tasty treat.
(danalan Pretty good, for an amateur., Thu 11 Oct 2007, 8:10, Reply)

Depressed?
Cheer the fuck up then, you miserable cunt.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 1 Aug 2007, 9:43, Reply)

Don't go to any tourist attraction without google
Simply stick the name of the attraction (Drayton Manor, Black Country Museum, Chester Zoo etc) followed by 'voucher' and nine time out of ten there is a download and pint out voucher. Quite often 2-for-1 as well.
(fluffytail, Sat 21 Jul 2007, 12:01, Reply)

If you are planning on breaking up with a long-term girlfriend do not:
a) Do it on a short break in Paris
b) Do it on a short break in Paris when there are still a few days to go with no means of escape
c) Angrily tell her that you always found her best friend more attractive than her
and, most importantly, d) Do NOT do it on the Eiffel Tower when she asks you if you love her, after you both having watched a couple get engaged
( Dave the Mighty, Sat 30 Jun 2007, 16:08, Reply)

Top Tip
Nice Guys, be more succesful with women by treating them like shit, they fuckin love it. not even joking.
(shavenraven, Thu 21 Jun 2007, 0:35, Reply)

When calling ...
...about your vehicle warranty, it would help if you had your registration number as that identifies the vehicle to which it relates.

Laughing and saying something like 'it's blue if that helps' however, identifies you as an idiot and worthy of all the contempt I can muster
(Danny Fishcharge Half arsed, smart arsed, on & off a lard arse sinc, Mon 18 Jun 2007, 15:24, Reply)

Pulled over for drink driving?
Suck on a copper coin. If this doesn't work (it won't) then suck on a copper. This does work.
(Banster Daddy or Uncle? Daddy or Uncle? Hmm. Both please!, Sun 17 Jun 2007, 18:27, Reply)

Having problems paying for laundry bills?
Don't worry. Give all your dirty clothes to Oxfam. They will wash them, dry them and iron them. Then you can buy them all back for 50p.
( head-doctor ololololo, Thu 14 Jun 2007, 17:28, Reply)

Commuters!
Avoid getting shoulder-charged back onto the platform by simply letting passengers get off the train first.
(><(((">, Tue 12 Jun 2007, 22:04, Reply)

Holidays
Don't leave your kids asleep unattended whilst you are wineing and dining.

(Not a tip really, just common fuckin' sense)
(kitescreech still here, Sat 26 May 2007, 18:27, Reply)

Free Food
Go into any large supermarket and buy a grape individually, this will register as less than 1p and so you will get it free..Repeat 20-30 times and hey presto a free bunch of grapes!!
(archstanton The gold is next to me....leave me be, Mon 21 May 2007, 14:23, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

EGGS
Prevent eggs from rolling off the table by placing them in a bowl or similar receptacle.
( Purple Martin is board sigless, Mon 21 May 2007, 0:58, Reply)

Stolen fromViz,
An empty cigar case filled with angry wasps makes an in-expensive vibrator.
(flamangathon is not local, Sat 19 May 2007, 11:49, Reply)

Maggot Therapy?
DO NOT put 'maggot wounds' into google and then press 'images'
(MizStinky, Wed 18 Apr 2007, 16:11, Reply)

Women
Buy women flowers for absolutely no reason; deliver them with a, "Because I haven't seen you since this morning." or some other cheesy line. They go all gooey and you get blown. Everyone's a winner.
(greenycrimson I stole the from pyschotherapist, Wed 7 Mar 2007, 1:04, Reply)

Court Summons?
refuse to contract - Common Law is the only Law, anything else is contract law -

Contract law can only apply to corporations not real living beings - so how do they get you to contract?

you are summoned through your strawman (your name in capital letters as on your birth certificate - otherwise known as your cert of manifest under admiralty law), the strawman is the legal fiction created to make real beings interact with the fiction of the court system)- not you - do not get tricked into contracting, real beings can not contract and have the right to refuse to contract

video.google.co.uk/videoplay?docid=7978193591273339771&q=bursting+bubbles+of+gov

If you attend court before taking the oath and before confirming your name (each will get you into contract), ask the Judge:

" if I answer your question will I have entered into contract with you"
(The Goat www.cuttingthroughthematrix.com, Mon 5 Mar 2007, 16:02, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Richard Branson
Stop mucking about with balloons, beardy.
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 15:34, Reply)

seen in a "Burger King" toilets.
"Please flush Twice, It's a long way to McDonalds"
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Thu 25 Jan 2007, 11:02, Reply)

If you would prefer....
not to have your QOTW spoiled by some unfunny cunt that thinks they're fucking hilarious, just click 'ignore' next to apeloverage's name
(Gomi No Sensei, Tue 19 Dec 2006, 14:49, Reply)

If you...
...have a popular internet website, with thousands of posters and already got one book out of the little buggers. Try and get another one out of them about top tips.
(Ka-Tingey www.myspace.com/paultingey weekly updated funnies, Wed 13 Dec 2006, 2:26, Reply)

Got something in your eye?
Pull your eyelid down over your nose and sneeze.
( Drunken Vet, Sun 10 Dec 2006, 18:50, Reply)

Tips for my fellow Americans visiting England.
To tighten the bonds between our countries and break the ice, ask questions like:

Did it take long for you to learn to drive on the wrong side of the road?

Why don't you call them french fries like we do?

Why was Stonehenge built so close to the road?

These, and questions like them, will show your interest in the British way of life and increase your popularity from all you meet.

Also greet passersby with: "Hi Dude! I'm from America" Smiles & handshakes will follow.
(barrycounty, Thu 7 Dec 2006, 16:11, Reply)

You know it makes sense
A puppy is not just for Christmas. If you get a great dane, there'll be loads left for sandwiches on boxing day!
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Wed 6 Dec 2006, 23:53, Reply)

tired of getting unsolicted phonecalls?
I used to work for a market resurch company re: calling people up and asking them to do surveys. As you dont try and sell stuff or ask for bank details you are allowed to use a sistem of random dialling that will bypass BT callminder and ex-directory listing.

However dont dispair, as the companies that collect the data are only interested in talking to households. So if you get called and asked to do a survey, politley explain that you are actually an office or public call box. As soon as they hear this they will IMMEDATELY BLACKLIST your number and you will not be called back by the same company.
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Tue 5 Dec 2006, 23:20, Reply)

Semen in the shower plug hole?
dont run the risk of your semen becoming embroiled and matted into you mothers hair that hangs around the shower plug hole..

Wash your hair AFTER wanking in the shower, the surfactants in shampoo break down the spermatazoons lipid layer and render them much more amenable to flushing away.
(were all dEvO!!, Tue 5 Dec 2006, 15:14, Reply)

Don't turn on the light if you can smell gas!
Keep a candle and some safety matches handy for use in such emergencies.
( Lord & Lady Pants, Mon 4 Dec 2006, 14:53, Reply)

Don't open the front door....
it could be a murderer
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 4 Dec 2006, 11:09, Reply)

Up the choco alley everytime.
If you want to convice a woman to partake in anal sex with you and she will only take it up the normal'un. Take her in the 'doggy' position then lamp her over the back of the head with a heavy object.
No more objections.
(Good Looking Deity Grew a magnificent beard on, Sat 2 Dec 2006, 18:17, Reply)

Top Trumps
When playing against younger opponants (for keepsies of course) add cards in from other sets to spice up your hand..

they dont know that jack bauer didnt play for chelsea, or that there is no diplodicus in the marvel ultimate alliance
(tranCendenZ eXistenZ IS PAUSED! on, Sat 2 Dec 2006, 11:04, Reply)

After a crime, don't wash the blade in hot water.
The heat 'cooks' the blood and it sets solid onto the metal.

Better to soak it for a few hours in cold water, then wash it gently in lukewarm water with plenty of Fairy Liquid, rinsing well before patting dry and flinging into the nearest canal.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 22:14, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Want the missus to start giving great head again?
get rid of the bint, and she'll have to as she tries to ensnare another poor unfortunate
( SickRik float like a camembert sting like a brie, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 18:36, Reply)

Top Tip
want to really piss a girl off after sex?
say ahh bisto at that special moment
(Blundetto, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 17:36, Reply)

Had a few too many?
If you get pulled over for driving while intoxicated, put a copper coin in your mouth.

It won't affect the breathalizer or help you pass the sobriety test, but it will give the police a laugh if your mouth turns green.
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 17:07, Reply)

got expensive cupboard locks?
have kids and suddenly find a use for them
( Just Flange, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 16:53, Reply)

permanent marker on a smooth surface?
write over it with a board marker, and it'll rub right off
( mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 16:39, 18 replies, latest was 6 years ago)

Want to spend less time on Facebook?
Simply befriend people whose every action sends you into a downward spiral of quivering envy and paralysing feelings of your own inadequacy as a human being.
(markreynolds95, Mon 20 May 2019, 15:57, Reply)

Run out of ideas for a website you barely care about?
Simply steal features from Viz.
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Sun 24 Jan 2016, 13:32, Reply)

Runners in large towns and cities. Why not run through a heavily pedestrianised area and annoy people?
You could just do a few laps of a local park you fucking spastics.
( $$ ✅, Thu 25 Jun 2015, 21:43, 2 replies, latest was 9 years ago)

Own a stagnating, once high-profile comedy website?
Discourage new members from joining up by allowing the 'regulars' to bully them away completely after their first and only post, and turn a blind eye when your rapidly dwindling number of active posters turn on each other in an attempt to reduce the whole thing down to a private playground for four or five people.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 25 Feb 2014, 0:38, 18 replies, latest was 9 years ago)

Turn an ordinary colonoscopy into a romantic treat
by lighting some scented candles and laying a trail of rose petals from the door to the examination table.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Thu 19 Sep 2013, 12:56, Reply)

Pretend you dont have the internet
by joining talk talk
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Fri 12 Apr 2013, 11:37, Reply)

Kids! Scared of paedophiles?
Grow up.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 15 Feb 2013, 11:01, 3 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Nigella Lawson...
...Get every bloke in the country to watch your programme religiously, by simply spending half an hour washing a cucumber.
(NoStrings Tastes like zombies!!, Mon 24 Sep 2012, 22:22, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Local newspaper not turned up this week?
Simply pick up a free brochure from outside your local estate agent, insert a handful of old pizza flyers and staple a photo of a mayor crouching over a pothole to the front.
(costas, Wed 4 Jul 2012, 20:50, Reply)

Keep your iPhone safe and warm
by shoving it right up your fucking arsehole.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Sat 2 Jun 2012, 13:59, Reply)

Pretend to be a Consultant Radiologist
and recreate the feeling of diagnosing a sick loaf of bread with complex symptoms having an MRI scan, simply buy sliced and flip through the individual rounds. At some point stop, point at a random batch of texture and triumphally declare "THERE!"
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Mon 28 May 2012, 18:29, 4 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Recreate the spirit of Christmas every weekend
By burning 200 pounds, drinking 3 litres of sherry and watching UK GOLD with your head in your hands, crying.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Fri 23 Dec 2011, 14:52, 3 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

If you are invited to a 'London Underground Stations' fancy-dress party...
Do NOT go as 'Cockfosters'

Took me ages to get my dick back out of the can.
( ousgg is not seeking approval, Sun 30 Oct 2011, 20:34, 4 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

Frighten your sleeping children during the night
by slowly waking them up wearing a 'Jason' style hockey mask and carrying a childs princess wand.
Then shout "where are your fuckin teeth?!" repeatedly until the crying stops.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 11 Oct 2011, 17:09, Reply)

Don't send me emails signing off as 'Senior Data Validator'
Unless you are happy for me to sign my reply 'In a while, crocodile'
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 15 Aug 2011, 12:12, 4 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

Make seabirds waterproof by covering them in oil.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 7 Jul 2011, 11:47, 3 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

Want to tell a horse to FUCK OFF, but unsure how to start?
Try practicing on the ponies at a petting zoo.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 20 Jan 2011, 17:32, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Want to feel like a prince?
Think about Kate Middleton while you have a wank.
(bunglist, Tue 7 Dec 2010, 13:56, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Mums
Despite what television adverts might imply, feeding your children over-processed frozen shit is not heroic.
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Wed 17 Nov 2010, 9:12, Reply)

Further amuse airport security
by changing your name by deed poll to "There's a Bomb in my Luggage"
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 5 Nov 2010, 15:51, Reply)

Mothers of young children
Try fucking looking before crossing the road, instead of using your child's pushchair as some kind of impromptu fucking red light.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Mon 25 Oct 2010, 11:31, 5 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Don't wear gloves indoors when picking up your dole.
You won't feel the benefit.
( Peej, Mon 25 Oct 2010, 6:52, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Piss off mates
by hacking into their Spotify accounts and making a playlist called "Loading..."
( krang, Wed 13 Oct 2010, 17:29, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Friendless poseurs!
When taking a picture of yourself to post on Facebook, don't point your cameraphone at a mirror and take a picture of your reflection. Turn it round so it faces you, then look in the mirror to see what's in the viewfinder. That way there isn't a camera obscuring your face, and it might look like someone else took it, implying you have a friend.
Also, put your damn shirt on you raging mincer.
(Paolo Nutini's Bikini Better than Frederick Fleet's optometrist, Tue 7 Sep 2010, 12:42, Reply)

When attempting to drive out of Birmingham with a satnav
be sure to set it to 'car' after using it on 'pedestrian' around the city centre.

Otherwise it won't let you near the motorway and will confuse you by telling you you're not due home for several days instead of an hour.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Mon 2 Aug 2010, 9:33, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Is b3ta blocked by your company's Hitler like web filter?
Get on with some work then you lazy cunt.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Tue 20 Jul 2010, 12:18, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Amaze and astound your guests at your next house party...
by filling up condoms with water and popping a goldfish or two inside. For added shizzle throw in a glowstick and use as night lights along pathways or badly lit stairwells.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Fri 25 Jun 2010, 0:46, 5 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Parents
Don't bother hoovering up peas or couscous until the day after your toddler drops them on the floor. This way they will dry out and be easily vacuumed instead of being soft and mashing into the carpet. This is actually a great excuse for giving up hoovering all together.
( Pope Shax XIII uses Visio for picture editing, does it show?, Sat 19 Jun 2010, 6:36, 5 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Women
If you are feeling a little insecure about your weight, find a convienient construction site and get your tits out.

You'll get plenty of support and encouragement
(schrodingers cat now you see me, or not, Thu 6 May 2010, 8:13, Reply)

Make women have screaming orgasms every time...
by poking them in the eye just as they cum.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Mon 12 Apr 2010, 22:27, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Asda
Don't be ridiculous in claiming you can get 11 servings from a 500g box of "Maple & Pecan Crunch". I measured out 45g into a bowl and it looked pitiful. Bear in mind that at breakfast, people haven't eaten in maybe upto 12 hours.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 1 Apr 2010, 17:42, Reply)

Loose, Lose, There, their etc
Your means belonging you to like your virginity.

You're is you are, as in you're the product of your mum's vag.

Loose is what your mum's vag is after having you.

Lose is when you can't find something like your sock.

They're is they are, as in "they're spit roasting your mum".

There can mean that place, as in, "Look over there, your mum's being spitroasted again.

Maybe, hope among all hopes someone will read this and STOP USING THE WRONG BLOODY ONE!
(Catrim, Fri 26 Mar 2010, 15:15, 29 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Amaze strangers!
If you have one of those cars that have "see you home headlights", get to know the timing of how long it takes to switch off.

That way when you've locked your car and are walking away from it and some stranger shouts at you 'Oi mate! You've left your lights on' you can simply turn around, waggle your finger at the car and see the look of confusion on the strangers face as the lights go out.

Well, I say 'look of confusuion' it may be a look of 'you fucking knobend'.
(zebby wasting irony here on, Wed 10 Mar 2010, 14:33, Reply)

Noisy, over-amerous next door neighbours disturbing you
Beat them at their own game. You'll need two vibrators. It's best if your vibe is getting a bit worse for wear, so go buy a replacement. Now, take the old one, split it open and remove the vibrating bullet. This is the engine. You will not believe how much of the energy the rubber covering actually absorbs rather than being channeled into the lady's magic button.

Now, make sure your lady-partner is comfy, and then you insert the new vibe inside whilst using the vibrating bullet on the bald man in the boat. Get it right, and she'll drown out any noises made by the neighbours.

Though remember blokes, it might be wise to invest in some waterproofs or at least put a towel down.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 15 Feb 2010, 18:33, 11 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Computer shenanigans
If a co-worker ever asks you for help because they're looking at a document that's upside down, instead of going for the boring Rotate option in the software application, simply press CTRL+ALT+down arrow, and slink off as they thank you for helping them.

By the time they realise their entire screen is upside down and their mouse pointer's going the wrong way, you'll be next door sniggering like an eight year old
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Wed 3 Feb 2010, 15:49, 6 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Hot cheese toasty threatening to burn your mouth?
Bite the tip off each corner and blow through it till cool enough to eat.

Also releases an amusing amount of steam: For best results, blow towards the face of the nearest glasses wearer.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Thu 21 Jan 2010, 15:37, Reply)

Ladies, fed up with doing the vacuuming?
Simply buy a Dyson.
It has so many 'bells and whistles' that you husband will decide it counts as a gadget and start using it.

Then when ever you want the vacuuming done just get the Dyson out and start using it. Your husband will be worried that you might damage it so he'll appear and take over.
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Sun 10 Jan 2010, 15:33, 4 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Always drop a bit of folded- up bog roll into the toilet before taking a dump.
The benefits are threefold:

- You don't get a soaking wet arse
- You can conceal the potentially embarassing splash noise
- You will never be left without anything to wipe with, because you checked the paper avaliability before you even de-trousered.

Et voila.
(ConanTroutman thought we would free the vulture, Fri 4 Dec 2009, 13:53, 10 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Lie on top of your porn for half an hour
and it will feel like you're looking at someone else's.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 17 Nov 2009, 12:53, Reply)

Hold your hand in a bag of frozen peas for half an hour
before typing, so you can feel like it's someone else posting.

It's rumoured this is how /talk pass an average day...
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Sat 14 Nov 2009, 14:38, Reply)

Reverse lottery not risky enough for you?
Instead of picking six numbers and not buying the ticket ("winning" £1 if you don't match three or more), invite all your friends (let's say 20 of them) to join a syndicate, then email them the 20 lines of numbers you claim you've bought.

This is almost guaranteed to net you £20, but with the slight risk of the mother of all kickings.
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 9:34, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Put your hand over your mouth when you talk
To stop deaf people from 'listening' in to your conversations.
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Thu 15 Oct 2009, 17:10, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

illegal immigrants
we'll turn a blind eye if you open a takeaway
(bunglist, Wed 14 Oct 2009, 12:20, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Don't go outside after dark
or you'll die.

It's because the plants eat all the air.
( stopmeandslapme Cometh the hour, cometh your mum, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 14:45, Reply)

Women
If, when walking along the street, you see a man conspicuously looking anywhere and everywhere except at your tits, it's because he has been looking at your tits but thinks you might have noticed.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Mon 24 Aug 2009, 11:17, Reply)

Need more exersise?
Simply ask your teenage children to preform the simplest tasks and chores, You will expend double the energy in following them round and doing the job properly than if you had done the job in the first place.
'Accidentaly' deleting a few game saves on their x-box is a great way to unwind after this.
(Gru being trolled since 1998, Mon 20 Jul 2009, 10:14, Reply)

Kids on work experience
Be aware that in the future you will not be able to call your boss a "boring old cunt" so take the opportunity to do so whilst you can do so without fear of losing your job.

Your future self will thank you for it.
( monkeon schmonkeon, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 12:28, Reply)

Snails failing to prevail?
Snails failing to prevail? Ailing? Flailing? Wailing? Pale? Frail?

Give them some ale.
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Mon 29 Jun 2009, 17:42, 6 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Real Madrid.
Avoid spending 80 million on Ronaldo, just go to Matalan where you can get a big girls blouse for under a tenner.
(kitescreech still here, Mon 15 Jun 2009, 7:26, Reply)

Don't ever
finger your girlfriend/wife after you've finely chopped a red chilli.

Even if you have washed your hands several times and several hours have passed it appears that some chilli-ness remains.

Taking this advice will avoid you the embarrassment of seeing your significant other running from the bedroom shouting "My cunt you cunt!"
(zebby wasting irony here on, Fri 5 Jun 2009, 13:51, 4 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Disturbance
Make your wife/partner/gay lover/flatmate come running into the kitchen shouting "What the fuck's that noise?" by feeding a whole lemon into the waste disposal unit.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 2 Jun 2009, 18:59, Reply)

The difference between knowledge and wisdom
Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit, wisdom is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad.

So there...
(one-winged-angel-616 isn't as depressed as she sounds, Sun 31 May 2009, 15:28, Reply)

If you choose to display a sticker in the back of your car,
reading, "I'm sticking to the limit!!"

Then please: stick to the limit.

Not 15 miles per fucking hour below it.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Fri 22 May 2009, 23:20, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Annoy parents and primary school teachers
by turning up in the girls' changing rooms with a deck-chair and some popcorn.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 11 May 2009, 11:25, Reply)

People suffering from hangovers!
If you're worried you're going to be sick quickly eat as many jam doughnuts as you can. It won't stop you vomiting but it will make your vomit taste lovely and jammy!
(Paolo Nutini's Bikini Better than Frederick Fleet's optometrist, Sat 9 May 2009, 18:24, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Having an anarchist round to visit?
To save embarrassment, only offer them herbal tea. Remember: Proper tea is theft.

(Yes, also in puns of the week, but I was provoked into putting it here).
( Ugi , it's a game of give and cake, Fri 6 Mar 2009, 15:01, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

"Random"
Does not mean "quirky" or "unusual" or "strange".
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Mon 2 Mar 2009, 11:36, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Scared of the wiggle wam wams?
Simply unghule your phog until it's exartical, then fedalay for fifteen minutes. You'll never ojocrosp again!
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Tue 24 Feb 2009, 17:29, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Looking for the perfect Valentine's Day gift for your special lady ???

Find a test tube. Find an old lollypop stick.

Put the stick in the tube and fill with your man juice.

Freeze.

Hey presto !!!

Cumlolly..

The delicious, nutritious, and downright sexy gift that keeps on giving, and really says: "I love you!"...
( SpankyHanky, Thu 5 Feb 2009, 17:09, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Dont go on facebook stalking when you're drunk
checking what the fella has been upto and then typing in the name of your ex and posting it on their wall instaed of in the search box is not a good idea.
(i should have joined myspace, Mon 29 Dec 2008, 16:01, Reply)

Ladies.
Stuck for a gift for your other half?

Just give him a blow job.

Trust me, he will prefer it to 'is it just me or is everything shit vol4'.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Mon 22 Dec 2008, 14:52, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

When using a Japanese toilet
to clean the shit off your arse and legs following a sharp, unpleasant shock, be sure to press the 'WASH ARSE' button. The *other* other button causes a blast of hot air to bake the still-fresh shitstains onto your skin.
( chart cat has an itch, Fri 14 Nov 2008, 7:31, Reply)

Four out of five holes in your head are the exact same shape and size as your finger. This is not a coincidence.

( Digeridude Lord Wellington's Beef Trapeze, Mon 27 Oct 2008, 21:55, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

b3ta tricks
1) add /all to the end of the URL for the current QOTW to see the current highest voted stories.

Does anyone know any more secret b3ta power user tricks? Stick them in the replies...
( chart cat has an itch, Sat 4 Oct 2008, 15:18, 7 replies, latest was 6 years ago)

Chelsea Fans!
Looks like Man City are going to be the next 'big' team, so get your replica shirts now, that way you won't look like Johnny Come Latelies.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 3 Sep 2008, 18:59, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Want to be popular on b3ta?
Pretend to be a girl.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Fri 29 Aug 2008, 8:56, Reply)

Mercedes and Audi dealers...
Why not tell your customers that they can have their car in a colour other than silver?

Just thought it might make a nice change.
(zebby wasting irony here on, Tue 15 Jul 2008, 12:14, Reply)

Tabs!
Make fags easier to light by dipping the ends in petrol.
( P45 Sent by my Bosch 509e in the year 2000, Tue 1 Jul 2008, 1:54, Reply)

top tip
if you havn't any friends at school
just kill your self you get a whole page in the school year book and maybe even a bench.
their others can sit and be happy on your misery
(groovypoodle Terribly inept, please forgive, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 22:00, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Party Poppers.
1, Carefully remove cardboard end
2, Remove all the stringy nice bits
3, Replace with tomato ketchup or you own choice of kitchen/bathroom delights.
4, Replace cardboard end
5, Complete this on an entire box, and let loose on unsuspecting partygoers
(spaceswitch is gonna gay ya, on, Sat 24 May 2008, 14:59, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Door to door folk... save money and time!
...if you knock on a persons door before 10am and nobody answers, this is your first hint to cock off.

If you continue to knock, simply because you saw somebody move, and they still do not answer, this is your second hint...

When you begin bellowing "hello" through that persons letter box, and a fat fella with a sore head finally answers... his disgusted gaze at you is your final hint...
( BulldogUgly Visit my profile to see what's between my legs, Tue 13 May 2008, 19:12, Reply)

junk mail
I fitted the business-end of an office shredder to my letterbox and I've not had to pay a single utility or credit card bill since.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 13 May 2008, 1:05, Reply)

You CAN polish a turd.
Just get a relatively solid stool, coat it in nitro cellulose laquer (the stuff they coat guitars with) and let it harden. Add a few more layers until it's pretty substantial, then polish away to your heart's content.
( Sonic James Doom forgetting the date since... umm..., Mon 12 May 2008, 10:24, 5 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Are you jewish?

Are you living in 1930's Germany or Poland?!




GET OUT..... NOW
(clusterfuck detesting 'length' jokes since, Fri 11 Apr 2008, 16:13, Reply)

Do you like your eyeglasses especially clean?
Use mouthwash after you brush your teeth in the morning, and clean your glasses directly afterwards with a cleaning cloth. The alchohol from the mouthwash will be on your breath, and your glasses will be much cleaner for it when you blow on them during the cleaning process.

I don't know how it works with spirits. Probably just as well, with the added bonus of getting shitfaced. To be fair, if you're necking shots after you've just brushed your teeth, I doubt you give too much of a fuck about keeping your glasses clean.
(teepee_uk sniggers whenever anyone uses the word 'period', Sun 23 Mar 2008, 1:23, Reply)

Sex
when your having sex and are about to reach 'that magic moment'. Shout the wrong name, women love it!
(Big Ginge putting the laughter into manslaughter, Thu 17 Jan 2008, 19:58, 3 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Worried about the age gap in your relationship?
If you have to make the aeroplane noise just so she will suck you off you fucking should be!
(MudButton does not mean to offend but......, Fri 23 Nov 2007, 17:34, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

Sick of your kids emptying the fridge every time your back is turned?
Simply push old nails into the sort of foods they scoff such as cheese, cake and chocolate bars.
They'll soon learn.
( Smallbrainfield, Wed 21 Nov 2007, 12:07, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Olive oil
Don't waste expensive extra virgin olive oil for frying food, use normal olive oil instead. This is because, as soon as you heat up extra virgin olive oil, all its extra virgin goodness is zapped away and it ends up more or less the same as the standard stuff. Obviously extra virgin is still the sensible option for dressing salads, etc.
(SJH, Wed 21 Nov 2007, 0:51, 4 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Stockport Tesco Checkout Attendants
The mere fact that some courgettes have a pattern on their skin does not mean that they can be scanned by the laser barcode reader.

No, really. It doesn't.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Mon 24 Sep 2007, 14:55, Reply)

Husbands
Avoid getting an earful from your wife for leaving the toilet seat up by simply pissing in the sink.
(Monoball, Thu 2 Aug 2007, 0:11, Reply)

Want to severely scar someone?
Insert two razor blades into a stanley knife, and separate them with a matchstick tucked between them. Attack your target rigorously.

The cuts will be so close together that any attempt at the hospital to sew a cut up will not work, due to the other cut being right next to it. End result will be two great big wounds that all manner of infections can get to.

I'm always surprised that when someone initially gave me this top tip, I managed to keep nodding without being frightened for my life.
(Master Kazoo é?, Tue 10 Jul 2007, 19:44, Reply)

Avoid getting caught by speed traps.
Remain within the prescribed speed limits.

This has the added benefit of helping to avoid murdering someone with that tonne and a half of steel you are launching around the place.
(Seance Trumpet has got no beef with a man enjoying a croissant, Tue 10 Jul 2007, 13:46, Reply)

Prevent small mammals
from hibernating for the winter by standing outside of their burrows banging pots and pans together for several months.
( NotDavidBailey isn't all that sure that he is?, Sun 17 Jun 2007, 19:43, Reply)

Spilled the toner?
Assuming you don't have minions to perform this task...

If you happen to spill some toner on you clothes when changing the cartridge in a laser printer or photocopier, then rinse your garment in cold water as hot water will bind the toner to the fabric.

If it happens to someone you don't like, then advise them to use hot water.
(zzzp.net Big cookies! Man cookies! Cookies with nuts!, Sat 19 May 2007, 12:56, Reply)

Top Tip
Research your top tips before putting them in a newsletter thats gonna be sent out to 50,000+ smart arse interweb geeks :)
(Ash_Pow is now available in extra medium, Fri 18 May 2007, 17:01, Reply)

sdgdfshd
shfdfgsdh
( d d, Sat 7 Apr 2007, 21:18, Reply)

Politicians
If they come canvasing to your door, invite them in for a cup of tea, after forcing them to listen to your rambling stories for 30-40 minutes, allow them to say 3 seconds of their pitch and cut them off rudely and say:

'im sorry i can't vote, im a sex offender.
(BobbyDarin Was somewhere Beyond the Sea on, Tue 3 Apr 2007, 15:24, Reply)

Want to Learn how to Skateboard, but scared you'll fall off?
Simply use a Paint Roller in each hand as a set of Stabilisers.
( Popidge Last ate a kebab on, Sun 18 Mar 2007, 12:13, Reply)

AS someonewho doesn't want to be seen as a twat by all around you at a busy club bar (and potentially opening yourself up to getting clocked by a burly gorilla in the same establishment)
Instead of leaning forwards and yelling your order at a bar person while waving the biggest denomination note you have in your wallet in front of their bored disinterested eyes as they sweep by to see the rightful next customer, instead quietly indicate with a discreet point who *is* actually next and after 2 or 3 goes the bar person recognises you for being honest and jumps you up the legitimate order because you aren't being an offensive boorish twat.

This works.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Tue 20 Feb 2007, 0:44, Reply)

Water Saving Tip
You know the old story about putting a brick in the cistern to save water when flushing, well I decided to see if it would work anywhere else.
Believe me it works a treat when you put the brick in the washing machine. We haven't used any water in it for about 4 months now. Talk about saving the planet...
(out of his league, Fri 9 Feb 2007, 0:56, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

TOP TIP
Don't post erotica in the qotw, every week. People will eventually suspect you're not getting enough.
(Alexxx It wasn't me, Tue 6 Feb 2007, 2:56, Reply)

Sleeping dogs
No matter how much they appear to be asleep, NEVER leave a plate of sandwiches on the floor to go and get a drink, as when you get back the dog will be in the same place, but you will have a plate that is spotless.

I speak with the bitter voice of experience!

Bugger.
(turtles head is touching cloth poked a dwarf on the forehead at, Mon 15 Jan 2007, 8:09, Reply)

Failed
I failed to post this in the right QOTW.
(Al Fresco dances like your dad, only faster, Wed 10 Jan 2007, 10:38, Reply)

When going for a poo at work...
Select a cubicle next to one that is occupied, start humming and/or singing the dambusters theme, and just before you drop the kids off, call out 'Bombs Away' in the voice of a 1940's RAF pilot.

Sure to worry your colleagues and fellow work pooers.
( ogwen69 has returned from Reddit, Fri 5 Jan 2007, 10:51, Reply)

Before I cum...
...in a girls mouth for the first time, I like to make sure she's at a comfortable angle.

However, this must be balanced against my need to withdraw at a moment's notice, should the parents come in to identify her body.
(misteroz, Fri 29 Dec 2006, 0:29, Reply)

If some pikey twat...
...tries to rile you with the old 'I've banged your mam' gag then simply get all teary and reach out to hug them saying 'But... but that must mean... DAD?!?'.

Being not over-endowed in the wit department, they NEVER expect it - it's especially amusing if the recipient is some 13-year-old scrote - little fucker ran a mile :)
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Wed 20 Dec 2006, 12:30, Reply)

When looking for a job
look for something you're interested in. At least that way you won't be sitting in a call centre at the age of 30 wondering why the fuck you hate your life.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 14 Dec 2006, 10:54, Reply)

hohum
The tips below are from this website:
www.splange.freeserve.co.uk/index.html


Top Tips
Pretend you're owned by a bumble bee by attaching a wire around your neck and fixing a mushroom to the other end.
Make yourself into a human dynamo by wearing a pair of nylon trolleys and attaching a pair of bulldog clips to your bollocks. Then thrash about frantically as if a bee has just flown up your dirtbox. The charge formed will then be able to power a T.V (probably).
Make everyone in your office believe the cleaners are enslaved squirrels by attaching peanuts to mops and leaving them on the floor.
Annoy your friends by telling them that you've got a really brilliant hi-fi in your room. When they come in to look at it, watch their expressions change as you pull back your jumper to reveal a set of plastic udders filled with piss, which you then proceed to squirt all over them, laughing hysterically.
Tell the doctor you've got duck punch fever. When he asks you what it is, clout him squarely on the nose giving a loud resonant quack.
Show to cinema fans that Forest Gump is escapist nonsense by bringing a load of insane dysentery-infected tramps into the cinema. They'll soon change their opinion of 'lovable halfwits' when one of them ****s in their pop corn.
Illustrate the complex ideas behind the Middle East peace talks by sewing a large cloth shrimp onto the knee of your jeans.
Give yourself an elegant persona by sniggering and telling everyone your surname is Lavender.
Don't throw away egg cartons, cut the bottoms off them to make charming winter hats for woodpeckers.
When you're back-scuttling your wife next make sure you do it in front of a mirror. Watch her sexy expression change as you stick it up her Gary Glitter.
Commit a series of violent attacks on Roger De Coursey. When the police arrive sit there smiling and tell them that it was Cheeky Kevin who did it. Before they can take you away pull out a really poorly-made ginger ventriloquists doll sodomising nookie bear.
Make your wife into a fast breeder reactor by storing the fissile material under her chin. The reaction can then be controlled by sliding a graphite rod between her greased tits.
Play "**** Kick Sinatra (TM)" by going into a restaurant with a stereo after treading in a load of dog ****. The tape is a copy of Frank Sinatra's greatest hits. When Old Blue Eyes starts to sing proceed to kick the **** onto everyone's chips.
Play pensioner pinball by not giving your seat up for some old dear on the bus. Watch and laugh as she flies about the bus completely out of control, bouncing off the other passengers.
Stay awake for a week and then tell your workmates you've been going out with an owl.
(Wrecked Tums, Thu 14 Dec 2006, 9:24, Reply)

sneezing
Just fucking sneeze, it feels great.
(zid, Wed 13 Dec 2006, 19:47, Reply)

When wanting to publish a book and make loads of dosh
without making any effort at all, just open a top tips section on the QOTW.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Tue 12 Dec 2006, 13:02, Reply)

Women;
Save hours of pointless frustration and arguing by simply telling your partner WHAT YOU WANT, instead of dragging any single request out with needless cryptic clues. Seriously, it'll work wonders.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Mon 11 Dec 2006, 17:33, Reply)

For really fluffy Omlettes...
Stir a couple of hamsters into the mix before adding to the fying pan.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Fri 8 Dec 2006, 12:24, Reply)

Dental floss does well as a makeshift blindfold for the Chinese.

( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Wed 6 Dec 2006, 9:57, Reply)

This time next year, Rodders...
Win the National Lottery by using your winnings to invent a time machine so you can go back in time to give yourself the winning numbers.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Tue 5 Dec 2006, 14:16, Reply)

don't
cross the streams...
(Handel blah blah blah, Mon 4 Dec 2006, 11:44, Reply)

Cant afford to take yourself and/or your kids to the zoo?
Take them to the Jobcentre instead for a cheap alternative
(Absynth&Cheese Have you tasted my Jesus, Sun 3 Dec 2006, 21:02, Reply)

Don't try self crucifixion
The last nail is a right bugger to get in
( Want Bartender Time gentlemen please.., Sun 3 Dec 2006, 18:56, Reply)

women in a Nick Cave song

get away - he's mad and means to kill you!
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sun 3 Dec 2006, 8:13, Reply)

Getting away with murder...
As an add on to Jonny Fatman's impecable advice on killing someone I thought I would add this tip.

Get about one pound, half a kilo, of tobacco and soak it in water for a few days until the water looks like the tea of the devil. Lift out the tobacco and strain hard into the "tea".

Put the container of water in either and oven on its LOWEST setting or leave it in a warm place to dry out. You will be left witha small amount of thick liquid like dark honey. This is almost pure nicotine. The stuff that gives you the buzz from ciggies.

Using a pippette or eye dropper, place about 5-8 drops into a cup of coffee for your victim and watch them keel over in a few minutes from heart failure.

This would work especially well if your victim smoked and drank heavily as the Doctors would simply assume natural death. Even if they did decide to test for toxins the raised levels of nicotine would most likely be attributed to the smoking over the years.

Not that I would do this of course. It's just a thought...
(71 hour Ahmed wasn't working at, Sat 2 Dec 2006, 16:24, Reply)

Get away with murder in 3 easy steps.
Want to murder someone and make it look like suicide?

Find a room with a sliding bolt lock on the door.

1) Shoot the victim, clean the gun and wipe off your prints. Make sure you get some of their prints on it.

2) Loop some dental floss around the sliding lock and shut the door, standing outside the room.

3) Pull on the floss to close the lock, then release one end to pull the floss thru.

Now flee in an orderly fashion and job's a good un!

(Saw this once on an episode of Ironside. Who says TV isn't educational)

The dental floss bit is also a really handy trick to play on your flatmates.
( jonnyfatman, Sat 2 Dec 2006, 14:40, Reply)

Dropped your pot on the carpet?
Just get a sock (or a pair of tights) and place it over the end of your vacuum cleaner to suck up any loose 'erb - once you're done, place a piece of paper underneath and turn the hoover off. White paper is better as that way you can remove the odd bit of fluff that may have found its way in....


:)
(stonersmurf stuckin' foned, Sat 2 Dec 2006, 9:25, Reply)

When stranded at the North Pole
and forced to hunt polar bears to live, refrain from eating the liver. While it might appear to be nutritious and delicious it contains a dangerously high level of vitamin A, which will poison you if you eat it.
( jme, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 17:09, Reply)

Vending machine rejecting your coins?
Lick one or both sides and then try it.
( Extinct Jesus Dossier "...I think it counteracts Hitler's magic...", Fri 1 Dec 2006, 16:56, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

got kids
dont bother with expensive cupboard locks, just let them drink the bleach and....hey-presto!! no more fucking nappies
( Just Flange, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 16:50, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Avoid daily mass-shootings by having a well-regulated militia.

( Ivana Puliakokov, Sun 18 Nov 2018, 0:47, Reply)

Saying Jesus Christ
five times whilst looking into a mirror will make someone rush into the bathroom thinking you've cut yourself shaving quite badly.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 28 Oct 2015, 17:36, Reply)

Moths.
There's plenty of light about during the day if you could be arsed to get up earlier, you lazy fucks.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Fri 26 Jun 2015, 2:41, Reply)

surprise London Transport staff...
by cutting the chip out of your oyster card and fitting it in a wizard's wand. They get on the tube dressed as any fictitious wizard of your choice
(Carpe Cyprinidae, Sun 4 Jan 2015, 12:44, 1 reply, 10 years ago)

Having trouble getting decent coverage out of your emulsion?
Put some dogshit in it.

I can cover about 47 sqm of my hall carpet with about 50g of the stuff, using a shoe, so a good alsation sized turd will easily stretch to a 3 bedroom house.
(username failed moderation, Wed 29 Oct 2014, 17:22, Reply)

Pacify sanctimonious types by living in a stone house and throwing glasses.

( social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Wed 24 Sep 2014, 8:51, Reply)

If your facebook friends don't think you're a big enough cunt already
Make it clear to them by liking Britain First and sharing all of their posts. Extra cunt points for removing any ethnic minorities from your friends list, shunning contact with people with both brown hair and brown eyes and telling anyone with a Polish sounding name to fuck off back to their own countries.
( Muns, Mon 21 Jul 2014, 9:27, Reply)

Live the life of a formula 1 racing driver in your local asda,
by racing in front of someone to an open check-out, then shaking a bottle of lemonade and spraying it all over their face.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Wed 16 Jul 2014, 9:42, Reply)

Strange hooting noise every time you take a dump?
You've got owl cancer.
(shane.kiwi, Tue 10 Dec 2013, 14:29, 1 reply, 11 years ago)

Cheer up unhappy looking women at bus stops,
by playfully giving their tits a parp, like a clowns horn.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Fri 29 Nov 2013, 11:35, Reply)

Stung by a Bee or Wasp?
Wasp stings are a strong alkali, whereas Bee stings are a strong acid. In the case of a Bee sting, simply coax a wasp to sting you in the exact same location, and for a Wasp sting, coax a wasp to sting you.
( Muns, Mon 11 Nov 2013, 10:37, 1 reply, 11 years ago)

Get six times as many drugs for your money
By buying each gram on the moon.
(Eukanuba, Mon 21 Oct 2013, 22:57, 2 replies, latest was 11 years ago)

Need to whip up a fancy dessert in a hurry?
get a bag of oreos and dump the oreos on the floor and eat them off the floor like an animal you piece of shit
(username failed moderation, Mon 7 Oct 2013, 12:51, 3 replies, latest was 11 years ago)

Americans
Missing your national parks? Simply move to Canada. They have plenty of areas of outstanding natural beauty and their country isn't run by an absurd bunch of xenophobic war-mongering clowns.
(AWESOMEB0T meddling prick, Sun 6 Oct 2013, 2:58, Reply)

Save money on expensive phone sex lines
By calling The Samaritans and threatening to top yourself unless they talk dirty to you.
(Eukanuba, Wed 14 Aug 2013, 11:21, 2 replies, latest was 11 years ago)

Can't think of any decent competition subjects on a comedy website?
Why not try a farm yard animal, again.
( Locus213 Slightly to the left of Bakunin, Thu 7 Mar 2013, 12:22, Reply)

Cyclists.
When you're doing your 'I own the road' thing, and want to start a fight with whoever is annoying you, don't choose a motorcyclist who is wearing padded gloves, kevlar body armour, a pair of solid GRP reinforced boots and a crash helmet.

We're really quite difficult to beat up.
(username failed moderation, Fri 25 Jan 2013, 16:10, 3 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Short on bowls?
A tin can makes an ideal container from which to eat baked beans, as a delicious accompaniment to pornography, loneliness and crying.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Fri 21 Dec 2012, 12:00, Reply)

Delight your friends, by simply changing the appearance of their mouse cursor to a willy.
Then make all their Icons look like Ann Widdecome.
( skeltonator Needs some new daps., Mon 19 Nov 2012, 2:36, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Make people think that you're driving a BMW...
By skidding all over the place when it snows.
( Vambo, Wed 7 Nov 2012, 13:33, Reply)

When breaking up a concrete driveway or patio,
avoid a tiresome trip to the recycling centre by taking the rubble to the nearest motorway bridge and hurling it into oncoming traffic.
(username failed moderation, Tue 3 Jul 2012, 14:22, Reply)

Opening your garage door, and placing a couple of red lights in there,
Makes an ideal barcode scanner for zebras.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Mon 7 May 2012, 14:44, 1 reply, 13 years ago)

Forgotten to pull together that important spreadsheet for your boss by the end of the day?
Need more time to play minesweeper/read b3ta newsletter/buy crap on eBay? Leave it right till the end of the day. Send them an email just before you log off, saying "Please find attached as requested". Then don't attach anything, and leg it. Then sneak into work early the next morning, finish it in the morning, then when your boss says nothing was attached, feign innocence, and send it across to them. I have never done this.*

*I have done this several times
(Dolly_Diva Dolly_Diva knows what you did..., Fri 27 Apr 2012, 21:34, Reply)

Jeremy Kyle
Save money on expensive lie-detector tests by simply holding a buttercup under the guest's chin and looking for a yellow glow.

NB This will only work if the question you're asking is 'Do You Like Butter?', so you're probably best off only using this technique if you're dealing with a dispute in which the matter of liking butter is key to the proceedings. For example if you're talking to a woman who's accusing her husband of having sex with some butter.
(costas, Sat 24 Mar 2012, 15:05, 1 reply, 13 years ago)

Coracles make ideal hard-to-control boats for the Welsh.

(judgetheobscure used to sweep in butchers' shops., Thu 22 Mar 2012, 17:09, Reply)

Recreate the fun of a summer holiday in Portugal
By accidently killing your 4 year old daughter with prescription medicine and then throwing her into the sea.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 20 Mar 2012, 11:01, Reply)

impress your neighbours
by buying the most expensive BMW that you can get, then washing it luxuriantly every weekend with car shampoos and waxes that had to be specially flown in from a wax plantation in Uberschlongen Votdafuckinell which are only harvested by moonlight, carefully applying said car shampoo/wax at a time when you can be assured maximum attention from the other people who live in your cul-de-sac and just to make sure, playing your in-car stereo so loud it becomes an out-car stereo. Enhance the effect by working the fact you have a new BMW into every conversation, no matter how tenuous the link e.g. 'I was considering giving money to charity the other week but then MY NEW BMW NEEDED A FENG SHUEI BLESSING so I didn't give to Foreign Aid' or 'I have discovered this totally revolutionary yeast with which to make your own bread in half the time WHICH I PICKED UP IN MY NEW BEEMER'.

For maximum effect, wait until the other person in the conversation performs a Wrong by not asking you for further information about Your New BMW and also probably bat aside the irritation you feel for having it pointed out that the 118d is the cheapest new BMW that anyone could buy and in effect they are proudly telling people that they are not in the same salary grade as those who buy M-sport models. That's like saying 'Still had sex!' when it is pointed out that they boffed Kerry Katona, i.e. it is not something to be celebrated.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Mon 12 Mar 2012, 1:31, 2 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

Get your top tip in the newsletter by performing sexual favours for Rob.

( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Sat 3 Mar 2012, 9:40, 5 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

Strip naked at the front door
before entering your house, to feel the benefit when you get inside.
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Wed 21 Dec 2011, 11:57, Reply)

An orange with about 30 fresh cloves pushed into the skin, tied to a length of christmas ribbon
Makes an ideal festive mace to attack red suited intruders entering your property over the holiday period.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 15:56, 5 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

Recreate a life size game of Space Invaders
by throwing apples at a line dancing convention.
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 15:37, 3 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

Get a large sausage, slice it lengthways to a depth of about 2/3s its width, shove a breadstick in.
Now you have an inside-out hotdog; the perfect mutant snack for halloween.
(PERSONALITY HORSE Graham Tapes - free download album - coming soon, Fri 21 Oct 2011, 14:58, Reply)

Lie on top of your mother for 10 minutes
and it will feel like you're having a cup of tea.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 20 Oct 2011, 15:48, Reply)

Big brother contestants...
Prevent booing upon your eviction by donning a t-shirt with the slogan "BOO IF YOU FUCK KIDS'.
(bunglist, Sun 18 Sep 2011, 21:00, 1 reply, 13 years ago)

Waddingtons
Alter the 'Bank error in your favour, collect £200' card in Monopoly to something more realistic such as 'Bank error in their favour, lose £200 plus another £70 in charges because you went overdrawn causing a direct debit to bounce and then spend the next 5 turns trying to get it back. ' or a variation on that.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 20 Jul 2011, 15:30, Reply)

Pretend you are Jo Brand
by being Sarah Millican.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Fri 15 Jul 2011, 11:25, Reply)

Avoid non sequiturs
by lemon cheesecake
( smokey bobinson westing by musket and sexton, Sun 5 Jun 2011, 15:25, 1 reply, 13 years ago)

Get a free haircut
by standing next to a hedge and waiting for it to be trimmed.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 2 Jun 2011, 12:54, 2 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

Convert friends to Christianity
by covertly stealing their phone if they leave it lying around, finding your name in the phone book, and changing your name to "God".
Then, whenever you see them doing something, send them a text telling not to do it.
A quick burst of "COVET NOT THY NEIGHBOUR'S WIFE" if you catch them inappropriately ogling works wonders.
(Paolo Nutini's Bikini Better than Frederick Fleet's optometrist, Sat 28 May 2011, 20:35, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Amuse yourself on the way to work, when someone is walking towards you with ipod headphones in, mouthe 'oh my god' and cover your head whilst ducking
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Wed 4 May 2011, 10:38, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Guinea Pigs
Pretend to be rabbits by picking up all those random, bloodied rabbit ears that have started to appear around the place.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 14 Apr 2011, 14:00, Reply)

Dont sleep rough on the streets
go to a busy A&E department and sit in the nice warm waiting room, get tucked up into a corner and just nod off and eye up the nurses in their skimpy uniforms.....imagine them having pillow fights and the top few buttons just popping undone

wait, what was that?......was it.... a nipple?

she winks at you

yes, yes, by the laces in my shoes it was a nipple!

saucy bleeders
(whorsepower needs an amusing sig, Wed 30 Mar 2011, 0:18, Reply)

have a potted cactus?
Rather than watering on a daily basis, give it seasons by soaking it for about 36 hours and then don't water it at all for 2 months. When you water it again after the dry season, it will visibly swell. Each wet season will make it grow more than just a daily watering would.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 21 Mar 2011, 8:57, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Please your half French/half Eskimo girlfriend
by sticking your tongue up her nose
(leviticus no longer likes the cut of your gib on, Wed 2 Mar 2011, 13:07, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Make ants think they're in New Zealand
by putting them on top of a big stereo speaker and turning the bass up to 11.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 11:48, Reply)

Subsequent Egyptian leaders
Boost tourism by reintroducing the title of Pharaoh and changing your name to Rameses
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sat 12 Feb 2011, 20:16, Reply)

Northern Girls make ideal "dogs" for Men

( Peej, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 19:26, Reply)

A naked lady in a wheel barrow
makes an excellent mobile penis warmer.
(bunglist, Fri 14 Jan 2011, 1:14, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Avoid uncomfortable silences
by always carrying a cushion with you
(bunglist, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 8:20, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Only if you live alone
Aiming for shit skidmarks counts as cleaning the toilet
(Clerk T Hazarde are all the wine, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 14:51, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Distortion as an effect is acceptable when using an electric guitar
and overdriving the pre-amp stage to create a sound rich in harmonics and the distinctive fuzzy sound of a modern rock guitar.

Distortion caused by a Vauxhall Corsa factory fit stereo being turned up to max while playing bass-heavy dubstep is conversely not a good sound and while it does make people turn around and look at you, they're more likely to think 'What a twat' instead of the 'Wow, look at that tricked out groovemobile' effect you were hoping to evoke.

p.s. Adding a subwoofer does not remedy the situation.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Sun 12 Dec 2010, 15:43, Reply)

Iceland commercial makers
Make the adverts at least partly tolerable by having one of the can-can dancer's tits pop out while they're bobbing up and down.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Thu 9 Dec 2010, 18:35, Reply)

Buy a house built on a flood plain
Then act all surprised and hard-done-by when it gets flooded.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 19 Nov 2010, 14:42, 11 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Tramps.
Avoid being 'moved on' by investing in a tiny union jack and moving your sleeping bag to The Mall for the next 6mths.
( barryheadwound Mul-ti-pass? Multipass!, Wed 17 Nov 2010, 12:52, Reply)

Gypsies:
Educate people on the true gypsy way of life, by stealing anything that isn't nailed down and leaving a filthy mess anywhere you go.
(bunglist, Thu 11 Nov 2010, 14:05, Reply)

Americans
Introduce a November 5th style observance by strapping an effigy of a terrorist to a table and tipping buckets of water over its face and then go outside and throw paper darts at the side of tall buildings.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 5 Nov 2010, 15:55, Reply)

Parents!
Send your children mixed messages by, for 364 days a year, warning them about going out on their own after dark and accepting sweets from strangers.






On a totally unrelated note, Malteses can absorb a surprisingly large amount of liquid pethidine, but don't inject too much or the weight will be wrong.
( Undercovercarrot got done for gross misconduct on..., Mon 1 Nov 2010, 15:53, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Don't waste money on expensive antibacterial washing up liquid
If, as we're told, there's more germs in your kitchen sink than in a toilet, simply wash your dishes in the crapper instead.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Wed 27 Oct 2010, 9:51, Reply)

Gardeners
Planted any trees in your garden this summer? Offset them against your carbon footprint by burning an old armchair.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 21:28, Reply)

Avoid disgusting morning breath...
By waking up in the afternoon.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Mon 11 Oct 2010, 8:55, Reply)

If any b3tards *do* ever go to Hull...
...remember to carry this short dictionary with you.

Burn: Part of a skeleton
Curled: Not hot
Curler: Type of fizzy drink (esp. Kurker-Curler)
Dare: 24 hours
Fern: Apparatus for talking over long distances
Girl: Objective
Hurled: Have in one's hand/hands
Learner: Anti-social person
Pearls: People from Poland
Perp: Head of the Catholic Church
Smirk: Have a cigarette
Stern: Small rock or large pebble
Surfer: Large item of furniture
Tern: Shade of colour or pitch of noise
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 15:38, 7 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Do you have a high-powered job in the middle of London?
You're more important than other people, then, so be sure to barge them out the way screaming "I HAVE TO GET THIS TRAIN!"

Act nochalant - if slightly annoyed - when the doors close before you get on the train, and people start openly laughing at you.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 22 Sep 2010, 14:16, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Worried your girlfriend might leave you?
Simply stick nicotine patches to her back every night when she falls asleep, peeling them off again just before dawn.

If she does leave, she'll be on your doorstep shaking and begging to come back within three days, guaranteed*

* Or she'll start smoking enough to make Peggy Mitchell blush...
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Mon 20 Sep 2010, 16:18, Reply)

Worried about sword crime and sword wielding teenagers roaming the streets?
Purchase an awlpike or glaive. Polearms have a longer reach than swords and have the added benefit of being a visual deterrent. For best results and complete safety from sword crime, travel in a square formation with forty or so friends.
( Smallbrainfield, Thu 16 Sep 2010, 16:59, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Internet Geeks...
Trick your online friends into thinking you have real friends by not logging online for a few hours.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 18:51, Reply)

Is the recession biting?
Can you no longer afford a toilet cleaner which kills germs right under the rim?

Simply try to avoid licking the bit under the rim.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 12:47, Reply)

Parents:
Unless you want tears before bedtime, DO NOT confuse 'The Hungry Caterpillar' with 'The Human Centipede', IT IS NOT A SEQUEL.
(WittyUsernameHere, Mon 23 Aug 2010, 10:54, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Ladies...

Dress more provocatively.

Please!
(Happybara The jungle came alive and took him, Thu 12 Aug 2010, 14:26, Reply)

Ladies...
Tired of being the passive partner in sexual intercourse?

Apply a small amount of lube to your bloke's urethra and shag it with your clitoris.
(Happybara The jungle came alive and took him, Thu 12 Aug 2010, 11:26, 5 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

binbag hoiking made easier
drill a small hole near the base of your kitchen bin inner container. It will make yanking the binbag out a squillion times easier because there won't be any suction from the gap between the bottom of the bin and the bag.
(teasus likes tea, Sat 31 Jul 2010, 9:13, 6 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Get ahead of traffic
An absolutely ingenious driving tactic I have come to adore.

En route home there is a notoriously busy roundabout where traffic stretches for ages to turn left on the first exit. Instead of waiting in the queue, take the outside lane (which is always deserted), go right round the roundabout and take the exit, since you will have priority over those turning left from whence you came.

Saves me 15+ minutes daily!
(52486 office lolled on, Fri 2 Jul 2010, 12:37, 6 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Pocket full of MASSIVE DRUGZ?
Afraid John Law is eyeing you up?


Walk over and ask him for directions. This seemingly innocuous request will convince him that you are innocent of all crimes. Alternatively he will deduce that only a drugrunner of MASSIVE BALLS would attempt such a thing, and shy away from arresting you.
(Clerk T Hazarde are all the wine, Sun 27 Jun 2010, 11:37, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

If you're ever in Trondheim, Norway
try the Moon Asian Cooking restaurant close to the Scandic Solsiden hotel. Web address is below. Up the road they'll charge you a tenner for a kebab and a coke. Moon will charge you £15 a head for all you can eat fantastic pan-asian stuff, and they speak amazing English and Norwegian. Did I mention they're really friendly too?

www.moonrestaurant.no/

After being priced out of everywhere else, finding their 155 NOK all-you-can-eat was an absolute life saver.
( Bats, Mon 7 Jun 2010, 20:51, Reply)

If during intercourse she has a seizure...
ram your penis in as far as possible. For some reason, epilepsy causes the vaginal walls to contract and she will become as tight as a mouse's ear. If she doesn't have a epilepsy, try to induce a seizure by turning the lights on and off really fast as part of foreplay.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Sun 23 May 2010, 15:05, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Pianists
Get that authentic Stockhausen sound by attaching muscle-toner pads to your forearms before sitting down to play.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 29 Apr 2010, 0:00, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Making toast?
Ensure you butter both sides of the toasted bread so that when you inevitably drop said toast on floor, you still have an edible side.
( DeadEyeDick, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 16:53, 5 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

felt

( Sunshine Elephant, Tue 20 Apr 2010, 11:29, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Just fuggin' do it,
you might very well be dead tomorrow.
(SarcasticBunny pfft, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 20:08, Reply)

Avoid embarrassing "Where's the attachment?" emails from colleagues...
...by remembering to attach the document before you send the email.

This especially applies if you are in fact me and do this all. the. fucking. time O_o
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Fri 26 Mar 2010, 14:52, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

non-stick frying pan WITH metal utensils
For a super looong-life non-stick frying pan go to eBay and buy a "vintage" cast-iron skillet for $5. Make sure the seller says it's flat on the bottom with no wobbles. Doesn't matter if it's pitted or a bit rusty-looking. Also doesn't matter if it's all blackened or crusty with use.

Really old Griswold, Erie, or Wagner brands were cast with quite thin walls, so they're comparatively light weight.

If desired, start from scratch with bare metal by spraying new-to-you skillet with oven cleaner (wearing rubber gloves) and leaving overnight in plastic trash bag. Wash as usual next day (now it will pick up surface rust, but don't worry). Coat all over, inside and out with Crisco white vegetable shortening using a paper towel, then place upside-down on a sheet of aluminum foil in oven set to 500F for an hour or two.

Things will get quite smoky. Disable the kitchen smoke detector and open windows. It's just this one time.

After cooling, remove your blackened fry pan from oven with tinfoil, throw foil away. Rub off any gummy blackness with paper towel and start cooking.

The whole concept is counter-intuitive, but the black coating gets blacker and thicker the more the skillet is used. It is your non-stick surface, verrry difficult to remove, utensil-proof, and believe it or not quite sanitary.

Adding ice-cold water to a hot skillet can make it crack, but otherwise it will last for at least 100 years. It was probably that old when you bought it on eBay in the first place.
( Squilliam but . . . . *I'm* the one with all the talent!, Fri 26 Mar 2010, 12:46, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

gripping stuff.

(pastcaring trembling in a corner....., Sun 14 Mar 2010, 14:09, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Birds
Stop asking men if they think you have put on weight, buy some fucking bathroom scales and find out.
( stopmeandslapme Cometh the hour, cometh your mum, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 8:31, Reply)

Can't afford new history textbooks?
Just use old Modern Studies books.
(SlamDunc loves orange soda..., Fri 5 Mar 2010, 18:29, Reply)

Busty amateur wife.
Make some more videos.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 15 Feb 2010, 18:52, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Noisy, over-amerous next door neighbours disturbing you?
Very gradually turn your stero louder and louder and louder...

Then suddenly turn it off.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Sun 14 Feb 2010, 19:21, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Members of the Iraq Inquiry Panel
Stop asking Tony Blair easy questions. What we all really want to know is why he's such a slimy cunt who seemed to have his head firmly wedged up Bush's "axis of evil."
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 29 Jan 2010, 10:24, 6 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Guys
Have a bath or shower at least once a week.
You might even pull a bird.
OK, maybe not but you'll be able to breathe without smelling your own cock.
( stopmeandslapme Cometh the hour, cometh your mum, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 19:46, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Save money on matches this November by lighting your fireworks off other fireworks.
.
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Mon 19 Oct 2009, 3:43, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Don't want to get points for speeding?
Simply observe the speed limit.
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Sat 17 Oct 2009, 20:32, Reply)

gardeners
tie your garden canes to a sturdy plant to keep them upright
(bunglist, Wed 14 Oct 2009, 12:19, Reply)

Has your housemate been pissing you off beyond reasonable limits?
Do you want to repeatedly bash their heads against a brick wall until their skulls crack wide open?

Then get back at them by adding salt to their shampoo, shower gel etc. (basically, anything with ionic surfactants) and mix it up very thoroughly - it will clump up and gain about the same consistency as hard-set jelly. Bonus points if it's in an opaque bottle, then it'll be a while before your act of sabotage is noticed.
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Sun 27 Sep 2009, 23:28, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Banknote fun

Step One: Using your preferred method, collect some human spunk.

Step Two: Using a small paint-brush, write the message of your choice, or a simple design on a banknote.

Step Three: After waiting for the 'invisible ink' to dry, put the note back into circulation.

Step Four: Some poor bugger presents the note somewhere where a UV light is used and the message is revealed.

This method could also be used by the more mischievous of you to adorn your friends' clothes before heading for a nightclub that uses UV light.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Wed 16 Sep 2009, 11:29, 14 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Female? Lonely? Heart of Gold but Unlucky in Love?
You ugly. Have a shave for Christ's sake.
(NoveltyCondomHead Clanks Wams., Thu 3 Sep 2009, 16:14, Reply)

Doing a school/university project/essay etc.?
Don't cut and paste from the Internet.

Have consideration for other users and copy and paste instead.
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Wed 19 Aug 2009, 10:23, Reply)

Are you wondering why parts of your anatomy are getting horrendously hot?
Don't carry a 9v battery in a trouser pocket full of loose change.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Wed 5 Aug 2009, 10:29, Reply)

Sex tip
Don't ever under any circumstances squirt your man goo into a ladies mingebob-square-pants unless you are 100% sure you are at a stage in your life where you MIGHT want a child.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Sat 4 Jul 2009, 16:58, 5 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Disco Tip
Best not run around shoving your stinky finger under your mates noses after you've just fingered Sharon Edwards at the school disco because she will punch you in the face when she finds out.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Thu 25 Jun 2009, 18:15, Reply)

Resident of small villlage in Wiltshire.
Before stopping a lorry to harras the driver about going through a weight limit area please make sure that a) you know the limit and b) that the lorry is above that limit. Stopping me in a 7.5T lorry going through an 18T limit will just make you look stupid.
(ZacT, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 22:48, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Energy Saving tip
Save money on boiling water for your hot water bottle by shitting into a plastic bag and using that instead.

(This tip was especially meant for the tight cunt who suggested boiling a cup of water for shaving rather than using the hot water from the tap cos it was cheaper)
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Wed 3 Jun 2009, 23:05, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

When I'm fixing your computer,
and have explained the problem to you, fixed it, possibly told you what you should have done differently or, if it was simply The Will of Windows, how to avoid it or fix it yourself easily next time, I don't need you to explain what you previously thought you could do to fix it, or why you thought what you thought would fix it, or any permutation of your logical thought processes which started with what you had for breakfast and led you to calling me.

I especially don't need you to explain these things *after* I have fixed your problem.

As a techie, I am quite comfortable with quiet whilst I think. In fact, I prefer it. You don't need to fill dead air. I will find it much easier to not fuck your computer up any more than it already is if you can stop your gums flapping for just two minutes.

* Does not apply to females in the 17-35 age bracket.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Thu 28 May 2009, 10:21, 7 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Rubbing linseed oil and cigarette ash into your legs is a good way to make your legs smell of linseed oil and cigarette ash

( Gilgamesh gazed in wonder as Frampton came alive, Tue 5 May 2009, 15:47, Reply)

Alistair Darling
Next time you deliver a budget speech, try wearing a red nose and comedy bow tie.

It might make you look less of a cunt.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 23 Apr 2009, 10:41, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Drivers
On the left or right side of your steering wheel you will find a stick.
Pull this stick up or down and you will find a light flashes outside the car.
Using this you can inform other drivers and pedestrian of where you intend to drive, thus avoiding killing people.


I understand these to be standard fit to all cars.*

*may not include BMWs
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Fri 10 Apr 2009, 15:11, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Emos
Improve your eyesight by trimming that failed quiff that's blocking your eyeball.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Mon 6 Apr 2009, 9:14, Reply)

Posting on /board? Long time since you read the FAQ?
Welcome. Essence of the rules for /board, culled from the FAQ, spiced with experience:

Golden rules (especially for n00bs):
1. Read the FAQ (it's the official 'rules'). Or you'll get shouted at.
2. If you make a mistake, be ready to say "oops, sorry!": it really helps. Don't be cocky: it makes you look like a cock.
3. Please read people's replies to your posts, and join in the conversations: they help make B3ta a community.

New threads are precious:
4. Only start a new thread if you're posting a new image that's worth it.
- If it isn't, use "Reply" in an existing thread (or make your image better!).
- Why? Because /board only holds 15 threads: each click of "Post a new message" pushes other people's work off the bottom.
- The rule seems to be: don't use a new thread if you didn't put a reasonable creative effort into making your image.
5. Don't start a new thread to re-post the same (or altered) image.
- Especially not for compo reposts: Reply lets you choose "challenge entry" too.
6. Don't start a new thread with an unmodified photo (unless of a thing you made).
7. Don't start multiple new threads: it's greedy. If you want to post more, use Reply in your existing thread (if it's still on the board).

Images:
8. Only post stuff that you made.
9. Only post stuff that you uploaded (don't leach).
10. Don't post NSFW.
11. Not bigger than 100k bytes (50k preferred). Anims: not more than 400k.
12. Not more than 700px wide.
- If it's too big, compress it until it's small enough.
- If it's still too big, post a small thumbnail with a link instead (using: <a href="blahENORMOUS.jpg"> <img src="blahThumb.jpg" /> </a>).

If you cock up:
13. Never use Delete (it also removes everyone's replies!): use the Edit button instead.
14. If you started a new thread by accident, say sorry. (And don't delete it!).

NSFW:
Whatever you put in a message will be downloaded and seen by all b3ta readers, often on their work computer. You could get someone sacked on the spot, or put through a disciplinary investigation that's not much better, because their manager thought it looked a bit like porn from 10 feet away. Do not do it. (For the record all these are no defence: "it isn't actually porn", "you can't see his/her whatever", "you're such a prude", "but no-one complained about this one *points at some-other-image*"). You can link a NSFW image (using: <a href="nekkid.jpg">NSFW!</a>), warning people that it's a NSFW link.

This is just a summary, hopefully useful as a quick checklist when posting. I welcome suggestions for improving it (gaz me).
Last edited 2009-04-07
( Bee Nice |-|, Wed 1 Apr 2009, 12:55, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Red Nose Day.
Next year when Comic Relief is on, record it instead of watching it live.

Three benefits that I can see:

1. As it is a recording you will not feel the need to call in and donate.
2. You can fast forward/delete all the begging and depressing footage of starving kids, malaria stricken mothers and such like.
3. You can fast forward/delete all the desperately unfunny shite that is fobbed off as comedy.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 18 Mar 2009, 13:04, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Track suit wearers;
Preserve the good name of your chosen group of friends by instantly beating up anyone who calls your honour into question.

Ensure victory by outnumbering your intended target by at least three to one.

In this manner, your honour will be maintained, and you may continue to exist safe in the knowledge no-one thinks you and your friends are cunts.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Tue 10 Mar 2009, 23:53, Reply)

Contact Lens Wearers!
Sick of crawling on the floor looking for that lost contact lens? Avoid humiliation by wearing a pair of swimming goggles at all times to catch any escapees.
(Eenis, Tue 10 Mar 2009, 16:57, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Chav Corsa drivers
Instead of buying a 1.1 base model at £2k ish and then spending £6k on plastic bits for the outside, wide wheels, a mahoosive stereo and a dustbin to strap over your tailpipe - leaving you with a car that looks like it'll do warp 3 but is still a 1.1 bloody vauxhall.

Try buying a £5k Alfa. It'll piss all over a chavmobile on the straight and round corners.

And you won't look such a cunt.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Wed 18 Feb 2009, 17:09, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Annoy new-age hippy type people
by replacing their incense sticks with dry spaghetti strands.

Go stick some in a flame and you'll see what I mean.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 22:17, Reply)

Dwarves and Midgets...
...don't let your reduced stature cause you anxiety; simply pretend you are normal size and you live in the "Land of the Giants".
(mcnelson, Fri 2 Jan 2009, 21:37, Reply)

Virus and Malware writers:
Why not include a little pop-up window with your e-mail address, in your next piece of "work". This will make it so much easier for the thousands of people like me, who have just been forced to spend hours (despite fairly secure surfing practice) digging the latest examples of your handiwork out of their system; to congratulate your 'mad l33t haxxor skills'* or whatever the fuck you think you're doing when you code your latest piece of digital tripe.

* may actually involve tracking them down and smashing their stupid faces in with a Tyre Iron. Followed by my brief yet highly publicised trial for GBH, acquittal by a jury of equally indignant computer users; and finally picking up a small Knighthood in the New Year's Honours, for services to society.

You owe me hours, you bastards. The garden needs weeding, but instead I had to weed out your persistent little DNS re-router. I have laundry to do, but instead I had to clean the registry. I have legal cases to assemble, jobs to apply for, real work to do with my PC; and you've stopped me.

If you feel the overwhelming need to involve yourselves in other peoples lives, why not devote your energies in ways that improve society? There are many charitable organisations that always need volunteers, and in the end this will be a far more worthwhile legacy than simply proving to thousands of people what an utter thoughtless little shite you can be, and how effectively you can steal a little of their time that they'll never get back.

/rant
(The Incredible Sulk Finally remembered his password on, Fri 2 Jan 2009, 13:43, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Chocolate Manufacturers
Ensure your 'brand' retains 'prominence' throughout the festive season. When producing tins of assorted chocolates, be sure to include two revolting flavours such as strawberry, marzipan or anything else which appeals solely to old people and tedious early-thirties bell-ends called Justin who have nothing better to do than start Facebook groups half-heartedly campaigning for the return of discontinued confectionary.

The inclusion of these disgusting varieties will ensure that your tin, rather than being emptied in two days and hurled to the back of the shed, will remain in place on the nation's sideboards long into January, holding a sorry collection of unpleasant leftover sweets, until they are either eaten whilst drunk or emptied into a small souvenir ashtray and ignored until Halloween, when they'll be handed to disappointed trick-or-treaters.
(costas, Mon 22 Dec 2008, 13:08, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Step to the left!
Reading this has reminded me of one of life's most embarrassing situations - that little dance from side to side you do when you find yourself almost walking into someone.

The solution, however, is so simple it should be taught in schools - Everyone should step to their left. If everyone followed this simple rule, the world would be a safer and calmer place. Unless, that is, you find yourself up against your own reflection, or on the continent (where obviously the rule is to step right).
(Mishfish, Sun 7 Dec 2008, 18:16, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Teenagers!
give yourself an even more spine-tingling orgasm by shouting for your mother just before you reach the vinegar strokes and finishing before she catches you fwaping away like a monkey at a packed zoo!
(TexasPete enjoyed being sexually molested by your Father on, Wed 26 Nov 2008, 17:03, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Guys: there is no G spot
Stop looking. Just make sure you enjoy yourself and stop worrying. After all - you are number 1!
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Thu 20 Nov 2008, 12:37, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

When vomiting into a Japanese toilet
be sure to correctly locate the 'FLUSH' button when you have finished.

The other button causes a small plastic nozzle to emerge from beneath the seat which squirts you in the face with warm, high pressure water, the shock of which will cause you to shit yourself.
( chart cat has an itch, Fri 14 Nov 2008, 7:28, Reply)

before taking a hangover shit at work
always, always, always double-check you've locked the door.

You never know, your foxy line manager might choose that moment to burst in on you, mid-wipe, thus rendering months of groundwork, and possibly you, redundant.
( nightbuffalo needs more duct tape, Wed 12 Nov 2008, 23:34, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Make that long, boring journey to an important meeting an exciting race
...by downing a pint of water before you get in the car.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Mon 10 Nov 2008, 22:19, Reply)

chavicide
Lure all the chavs into a very large warehouse telling them theres going to be a huge rave.

lock them all in, throw gallons and gallons of black paint onto them, so that they'll beat the shit outta each other shouting-

'goff!,goff!,goff!'

it'd certainly be entertaining to watch
(Lord Chode, Tue 7 Oct 2008, 19:05, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

When ever you are in the presence of someone who says
"There's nothing worse than......"

Shout loudly "What about a paper cut on your bellend/clit"

Usually shuts them up.
( Peej, Thu 4 Sep 2008, 9:48, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Save money on your food bill
Don't watch TV whilst eating your tea. If you do, there is a risk that you'll see the advertisement for the 'While My Guitar Gently Weeps' compilation. The sight of Eric Clapton and Gary Moore pulling their best mid-solo cum-faces will mean you have to cook a second meal to replace the one you've sicked up.
(costas, Wed 3 Sep 2008, 22:44, Reply)

"De-Sensitising condoms"
Condoms with anaesthetic cream on the outisde can be worn inside-out so as to avoid waking your unsuspecting partner.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Thu 21 Aug 2008, 14:48, Reply)

I'm not proud of this
If you defrost some chicken, then forget about it so it becomes smelly, salmonella-breeding flesh the best way to dispose is not to take it along to your local Asda and attempt to flush it down their toilet. Stone cold sober. In the middle of the day.

Nor should you wait to see if it goes down, and when it doesn't, don't wait to see the reaction of the middle-aged woman who goes into the cubicle after. You should however maintain the circle of trust that you and your two friends are locked in and not allow anyone else in the world to know about your chickeny adventure.

Oops.
(Medibot, Thu 14 Aug 2008, 15:17, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Obvious really
Big fat ugly lorry and van drivers, don't beep at girls whilst driving past them, how are we supposed to give you our phone numbers to arrange a date which I am sure would be dreamy?
(its just so moving McFuck, Tue 12 Aug 2008, 13:59, Reply)

Stupid People
Convince yourself that you're eating healthily by doing your weekly shop at Iceland, who claim that their own-brand products are 'GM-Free'.

N.B. This works best if you overlook the fact that
a) Your weekly shop consists of 50 hoofburgers, 200 chicken-dippers, 12 20-inch deep-pan pizzas, six quintuple-chocolate cheesecakes, a hundredweight of oven-chips and a pack of frozen peas (because the bag you bought six months ago is almost half-empty now), and
b) You don't actually know what 'GM-Free' means, although you do remember the Daily Mail saying it was bad once.
(costas, Tue 12 Aug 2008, 11:32, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

trying to swat a fly
dont, just use your hoover.

its actually a good game. Wait until they stop, turn on the hoover and pop - away they fly into Dyson land.

extra points if you get them mid flight - which isnt as hard as you may think.
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Wed 6 Aug 2008, 12:40, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

please her
-How to make your girlfriend scream even 20 minutes after the orgasm?
-Wipe your willy into the curtain...
(domg, Tue 5 Aug 2008, 12:36, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Save money at Christmas
Keep all the shit presents you get and give it back to the cunts who gave it to you the following year.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Fri 1 Aug 2008, 16:32, Reply)

Want to make people believe you're a murderer?
Any time you're with a group of people watching the TV news and a segment comes on about a convicted murderer who'se been in prison for ages appealing his conviction, insist that the TV is turned to a different channel. If they're discussing the segment in question, try and nervously change the conversation topic.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Sun 20 Jul 2008, 20:36, Reply)

Stand Up and Save Time
Stand-up comedians: With the advent of online booking, many venues now hold the names and addresses of an event's attendees on a database. If asked, they can probably provide you with a near-complete list of where each member of your audience comes from, thus saving you from having to spend the first half of your performance asking every last fucking one of them in turn.
(costas, Thu 10 Jul 2008, 13:03, Reply)

Lunchtime Moneysaver
Don't waste money on expensive Cup-a-Soups. Instead, simply vomit into a mug and leave it to go cold on your desk, then tip it down the sink at the end of the day.
(costas, Thu 10 Jul 2008, 12:47, Reply)

Mistakes
You should always learn by your mistakes. It is well known that the best method of learning is repetition so, to be truly knowlegeable, you need to keep making the same mistakes over and over again.
(Fles is a man amongst gods., Sun 29 Jun 2008, 16:56, Reply)

Office Hilarity
Occasionally, an office worker may have cause to sit at the desk of a fellow employee while that employee is away. If such a scenario arises in your workplace, you can elicit untold mirth by humourously addressing that person using the name of the employee whose seat they have taken. For example, if employee Gunter is sitting at the desk of employee Susan to install software on employee Susan's PC while she is using the photocopier, you would greet employee Gunter with the words 'Good morning, Susan!'.

Seriously. People shit their fucking pants laughing. Every time.
(costas, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 21:24, Reply)

Annoy sarcastic people
by pretending to take everything they say at face value.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Wed 21 May 2008, 13:05, Reply)

Cupboards
By hiding in the cupboard under the stairs, I've found it's possible to listen to my wife's excrement as it rushes down the soil stack
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 13 May 2008, 0:46, Reply)

NEVER EVER EVER
Take laxitive and a sleeping pill on the same night
(fase69, Fri 25 Apr 2008, 16:25, 3 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

When you cook spaghetti,
hold the spaghetti with one hand and stand it in the centre of the water. Twist the spaghetti with the other hand and let go. The spaghetti will fall fairly evenly around the pan and as it heats up, will gradually get sucked into the water.

It's quite spooky to watch it do this, but then again, I'm very easily amused.
( Smallbrainfield, Thu 24 Apr 2008, 13:37, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Hiccups
If someone in your group has hiccups, challenge them to hiccup. Demand that they hiccup that instant. Start mocking and taunting them that they can't hiccup.

Peer pressure kills hiccups.

True story.
(skiddy, Wed 23 Apr 2008, 13:23, Reply)

Deja Vu
Don't press snooze more than 5 times or you'll get deja vu all day.
(xwoody01, Mon 21 Apr 2008, 19:31, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

Spam and Nigerian scam e-mails
reply to the scam e-mails giving the details of various Debt recovery agents as a contact (or other similiar scum bag companies you have a particular dislike for) - all the better if you can give the mobile number/ main number urging them to " phone me now!"

(set up a separate email account for the replies, as the spam traffic will increase 300%, once you respond)

then sit back and enjoy as the Debt recovery company has to field calls from countless Nigerian Princes, ex presidents etc
(The Goat www.cuttingthroughthematrix.com, Mon 21 Apr 2008, 14:57, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Fag taste
To get the naty taste of cigarette out of your mouth and the back of your throat, just eat a grape. They're full of juice, and it overpowers the taste of the fag.

Or just don't smoke.
(Pik3y shagged your dad on, Sun 20 Apr 2008, 2:36, Reply)

Increase Office morale with a simple game
Wait until the person sitting next to you is paying attention to whatever they are doing, then sneakily try to remove something from their person. Carry on until the other person spots you and freaks.

At this point, jump up and shout "BUCKAROO!" as loud as you can, much to the obvious delight of your work colleagues. Or you get fired. Still, it will raise the morale somewhat.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Mon 14 Apr 2008, 16:57, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Bit of a nob head?
Why not post entry after entry on top tips?
( thiswasmyclone, Sat 12 Apr 2008, 12:34, Reply)

Top Tip for Vandals
Because the Kooks have printed their name in white on a black background for their latest poster campaign, all it takes is two strokes of a black marker to change their name to the <ocks
( monkeon schmonkeon, Thu 10 Apr 2008, 9:21, Reply)

Women.
The toilet seat is not a complex device: learn how to lower it and bask in your new-found independence.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Thu 27 Mar 2008, 14:43, 4 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Chavs
Prevent chavs from racing stolen motorbikes up and down your street by viciously hacking them to pieces with a machete.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 25 Mar 2008, 1:23, Reply)

Tractor Drivers in Cumbria
When driving on long narrow twisty roads at night leave your rear facing headlight beams on full so that drivers who are trapped behind you are blinded by them. This has the added bonus of destroying any chance they have of seeing past you to judge whether or not they can overtake. If your lights are bright enough physical pain will ensue causing much hilarity to all concerned.



bastards
( Occulus Swallowed, instead of spat, on, Fri 21 Mar 2008, 13:56, Reply)

Even if you are desperate

Never smoke a bong full of cheese, trust me.

Oh and if you do, remeber that a large Carlesberg china ash tray from the pub is not only far to small to catch the resulting spew, but will actually act like a parabolic amplifier spreading chunder all over you and the room.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 19 Mar 2008, 10:57, 4 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Don't ever drink again.

(Nobody Likes Mortal Wombat, Mon 25 Feb 2008, 2:43, Reply)

Blow your nose - WITHOUT blowing it
Slightly tricky, but basically if you have a snotty nose get some tissue and twist it up into a line.

now, carefully put it to your nose (use a mirror) and get some snot near one end of it. Yes! that's right! get the tissue turning round ensuring you have a hand a each end for control purposes and the snot, if the right consistency, will by the power of mucus magic, start to wind around the tissue and gradually all of the snot in your nostril will be pulled out.

*tip* move the tissue from left to right to keep the snot on fresh tissue, you don't want it going over itself, as this makes the snot lose traction and your snot rollng session will end too early.

if you have a lot of snot, possibly due to having a massive konk a tissue change may be required. with practice you'llbe able to leave a small bit of snot hanging out to attach to the next tissue.

it feels really nice. it is possible for you to do both nostrils at the same time, but this method does mean you'll get some snot on at least both of your index fingers and thumbs.

Personally I prefere te single nostril method, which is very safe as far as snot contamination goes.
(Nobody Likes Mortal Wombat, Mon 18 Feb 2008, 23:57, 3 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Internet dating
OK, here's a set of tips for women on internet dating, based on actual personal experience.

When setting up the profile:

Make sure your actual age is the age listed. Guys may not be real smart, but nothing KILLS (in a serious, terminate with extreme prejudice, U.S. vs. Abu Musab Al Zarqawi kind of way as seen at www.break.com/index/baddayzarq.html) a first date quicker than finding out your date is both OLDER and LESS HONEST than initially thought.

If your friends look JUST LIKE YOU, (a frighteningly common occurence in L.A.), don't put multiple group photos of them with you in your profile, as we hate having to guess which one you are.

No shots of you drinking. Definitely not 3 or more shots of you drinking.

The date itself:

Do not announce, after your date has already made plans to meet for glorious burritos and guacamole that he has been craving all day, that you do not eat after 7pm and would therefore prefer to find a Starbucks, Satan's own portal into the earthly realm. (Yes, that's why there are so many of them.)

If you are a hardcore christian, do not make a date with an atheist thinking that you will be extra clever and convert him. Most of us non-believers aren't going to be obnoxious about it, but we ARE members of the fastest growing belief system, and given that we have logic and common sense on our side, we're more likely to convert you than vice-versa.

Especially do not do both of the above on the same date. Doing so gives your date fond thoughts of the Romans and their pet lions.

If we meet in a restaurant that's at a normal room temperature, then please take off your winter coat. Especially if the coat or a similar garment has been in all of your profile photos. You don't have to disrobe completely, but it's odd if you're bundled up while eating. (Unless of course, you're covering up a body so guivering with smoldering passion that you need it on as a reminder to keep yourself from ravishing your date right then and there. Note to self: Call this one back.)

The follow up:

Do not call or text your date to explain what a fantastic time you had, only to refuse to return his follow-up call. If you're done, DON'T CALL. (Guys, if she doesn't return the second call, give up.)

Do not send an e-mail with an itemized series of paragraphs as to why your date is a bad person and why things would never work out between the two of you after the FIRST DATE.


But none of you b3ta ladies would ever do such things, so this post is wholly pointless.

(That said, should any of you ladies fancy a fairly tall and enormously fat man with a dubious sense of humor who's trying to overcome his inability to remain employed for more than a few months at a time, you know how to reach me. Don't all reach for the keyboard at once.)
(not here, Sat 9 Feb 2008, 13:36, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

Checkout Cashiers
When I reply "no" to your question, "Do you need help with your packing?", it is not a challenge...
(stubbledchin, Thu 31 Jan 2008, 10:28, Reply)

Run your own business?
Well,
dont fuck about here all the time and you will make more money.
( Sir Pigeon Nipples Did you sit in some sugar?, Wed 2 Jan 2008, 2:34, Reply)

Posting Christmas cards?
- Put enough stamps of the right kind on it. A 2nd class stamp is not enough to get a card to Australia.
- Seal the envelope, or it is likely to come open before you want it to at some point along the line.
- Cards that are too small, too big, or lumpy, won't go through the machines and have to be sorted manually. Normal-sized ones would save a little bit of time.
- Oh, and Merry fucking Christmas to the kid who wrote 'Dear Mr Postman, you smell and you are a gay turd' on the front of the envelope.
( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Sun 9 Dec 2007, 1:02, Reply)

Drivers of Nissan Micras and the like
Try leaving yourself a bit less time for your journey, and then you'll have to drive faster to get there, so you'll not be doing 35mph on a road where it's perfectly safe to do 60, and you won't be holding up a huge fucking queue of angry motorists, including me!

Alternatively you could just fuck off.

*breathes deeply*
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 6 Dec 2007, 9:17, 7 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

top tip
Wait till the following week to read "Question of the week" board, this way you get to read the funniest on 1 page \o/
(cudcm, Mon 3 Dec 2007, 13:04, Reply)

Urban Survival 101

When approaching a dog and you are unsure whether it is friendly or not…show it no fear but extend your arm towards it, showing the BACK of your hand.

Should the dog bite, the back of your hand creates a larger surface area than your fingers and is more difficult for the dog to bite down on…leaving you precious time to kick the fucker in the bollocks.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Wed 28 Nov 2007, 15:16, Reply)

never
sneeze whilst hiding
( ablufia v0.43 - have your face drawn, Fri 2 Nov 2007, 17:51, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

stop snacking, loose weight!
I just chewed on a pink smartie I found in the sofa, only it turned out to be a ibuprofen tablet. I can verify that is a highly effective appetite suppressant.
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Tue 23 Oct 2007, 21:07, Reply)

Bored?
When sitting alone at home, don't bother reading a book or a newspaper. Turn on the internet and masturbate furiously to pornography.
(frankspencer, Thu 11 Oct 2007, 16:16, Reply)

feeling nippy...
now the weather is turning....

Simply empty several tins of tuna onto your chest and lie on the patio with a knife; gut all the cats that come to investigate and frolic in their warm entrails.
(feedingtimeatthezoo day 1 of his bikini diet started, Thu 27 Sep 2007, 10:51, Reply)

Should your wife...
break her leg falling down the stairs, a wise man will not take to calling her 'Slinky', no matter how affectionatly, for this way lies sleeping on the sofa, and eating beans on toast alone.
(TwoFourAlpha, Mon 3 Sep 2007, 22:30, Reply)

annoy your friends
When someone's just about to sneeze, say "bless you" just before they release. This will cause them not to sneeze but be left with the pent-up about-to-sneeze feeling without getting the full release.

My ex-girlfriend used to delight in doing this to me and it's incredibly annoying,
(pmsc, Tue 21 Aug 2007, 16:12, Reply)

Struggling for inspiration?
Buy a copy of Viz™ and disguise one of their chortle inducing Top Tips as your own.
( FlexAlux laughed at something inappropriate on, Mon 16 Jul 2007, 16:54, Reply)

location
want to know where your internet providers nearest physical location is? just look carefully at the writing UNDERNEATH shitty fake dating ads, the location all of the girls apparently come from is where your IP's been traced to.
(Hippo_of_Doom, Fri 6 Jul 2007, 20:24, Reply)

Summer for Meat eaters
Push a skewer into a chicken breast.
Now place it in the freezer.

On a really hot day, remove it, and Hey Presto!

Chicken Lollys!!!
(EvilBugger, Thu 21 Jun 2007, 13:21, Reply)

Sensitive IT Data......
Will always 'mysteriously' disappear if you insist on attaching your floppy discs to the side of your office pod using fridge magnets your wife bought for you.

And, no, it isn't my fault that losing that 'important account data' will now get you fired. I may be an IT person, but I'm not stupid.

Twat!
(EvilBugger, Thu 21 Jun 2007, 13:17, Reply)

Don't waste money
Buying small metal bowls. Simply buy a colander and an arc-welding kit and use it to fill in the holes.
( NotDavidBailey isn't all that sure that he is?, Wed 20 Jun 2007, 16:28, Reply)

Dont forget to breathe...
...unless you are a ginger.
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Tue 19 Jun 2007, 6:55, Reply)

An Ice-Lolly stick
with approximately one-third of it's length snapped off makes an ideal surf board for medium-sized insects.
( NotDavidBailey isn't all that sure that he is?, Mon 18 Jun 2007, 1:48, Reply)

DON'T
Just don't
(kirstylyn, Sun 17 Jun 2007, 13:07, Reply)

Push Starting - the Easy Way
Need to push start your car?

Drop it into reverse and push it backwards. The revs are lower and it's easier for the engine to kick in.
(Cryptoprocta has abandoned the username of Voodoo Mary, Sun 17 Jun 2007, 11:49, Reply)

Chop the legs off horses
and use them as bobsleighs.
( routine has perfected burgers, Sat 16 Jun 2007, 16:22, Reply)

Stop buying snacks and sweets at the supermarket!
...by brushing your teeth with a dollop of very minty toothpaste before you go. By the time most of us are adults, minty toothpaste makes it unpleasant to eat or drink anything after brushing, including the temptation to buy crisps and beer.

Your teeth will look even nicer too.
( johnsto, Fri 15 Jun 2007, 18:51, Reply)

Baked Beans
Store tins of baked beans upside down, when you open the top & pour into the pan, all the beans will come out at once without the need to find a spoon & scrape the last fews beans out. This is because the bean 'juice' floats to the top of the can which then becomes the bottom when you open it & 'pushes' all the beans out in one go.
(Baron Greenback Still in Sunny Singapore, Mon 21 May 2007, 3:40, Reply)

"Lather, Rinse and Repeat"
Its a little known secret, but you don't have to do this; you can just wash your hair once. They just write this on the bottle to get you to use more shampoo. Bastards!
( BamaSS, Fri 18 May 2007, 20:18, Reply)

cure hiccups #2
Just stand still and breathe in and out as slowly and steadily as you can. Very slowly, very steadily. Do it for at least a minute. Your diaphragm will calm down and stop spasming.

Not funny, but does work. Caution: may also make you fall asleep.
(no way hose is staring unemployment in the face on, Fri 18 May 2007, 17:36, Reply)

When comforting a female friend who has just been dumped ...
... by plying her with vast quantites of red wine and cuddles on the sofa, when she turns to you and says "you're my best friend" it is time to give up and leave. Face it, buddy: Your chances of a 'sympathy f@@k' just went out the window!
(Dionysian Aut viam inveniam aut faciam, Mon 14 May 2007, 14:08, Reply)

Top tip:
Write something other than 'Top Tip' for your fucking subject title. The whole question is called Top Tips, you cocktacular spermbiscuits.
( Iki I think my camel is dead., Fri 11 May 2007, 13:05, Reply)

Realised that your life is meaningless?
Congratulations. It gets worse from here. Your body will start to deteriorate, you'll be ill more often and everything keeps getting more expensive.
(frankspencer, Mon 23 Apr 2007, 16:18, Reply)

Skinflints
Want a large tattoo but put off by th cost?

Simply get one done on your stomach and/or arse, and then gorge yourself on pies for 5-6 months, hey presto large tattoo.
( BulldogUgly Visit my profile to see what's between my legs, Mon 16 Apr 2007, 14:03, Reply)

Leather Jackets
make ideal 'skin suits' for psychopathic cows
( HoratioFellatio Taking the the out of psychotherapist, Fri 23 Mar 2007, 18:21, Reply)

Toilet attendants
You creepy bastards are the bane of my life. I've already spent half my week's wages on the drinks in this place. I will not be giving you a quid for the 'privilege' of having you listen to me piss them out again.

I can wash my own hands, thanks, I'm not 2 years old. I have no need of cheap hairspray, knock-off perfume from the market or a Chupa Chups lolly either. Just fuck off.

Why not try getting a more respected job, like 'charity mugger' or 'traffic warden'?
(pandora peroxide thinks it's a blocker, master! on, Fri 16 Mar 2007, 10:58, Reply)

throw away your empty fag packets
otherwise you'll find one and think 'woo yayy faggarette time!' when you find the packet is empty a few seconds later you will be all sad :,[
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Thu 15 Mar 2007, 22:02, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

Having trouble getting a girlfriend?
then rape your mother. she fucking loves it!
(mmmkay, Wed 14 Mar 2007, 19:11, Reply)

avoid getting a crap job
Want to avoid getting a crap job when you leave school, living a life of poverty and having kids that smell of baked beans?

Simply listen to your teacher, do your homework and revise for your exams.

Hey presto, no need to sponge off the state, wear fake Burberry, have a crap house or die young because your dietary habits were appalling.
(Monkey Festerer, Sat 24 Feb 2007, 11:04, Reply)

Want to save money?
Don't buy a ps3
(ditfart7, Thu 15 Feb 2007, 19:50, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Never whistle....
....with a mouth full of blancmange
(tootired Is searching for a funny sig, nothing good so far, Tue 13 Feb 2007, 12:43, Reply)

Sex Killers Tip
After dumping your victim in the woods, only spend the next 3 weeks returning for sexual visits.

After that, the police might be waiting for you, or catch you at your lovemaking.

Yelling "Stop Watching!" will not send them on their way.
(barrycounty, Tue 16 Jan 2007, 19:17, Reply)

An Irishman told me this in a pub.
Marry a woman with small hands. Makes your knob look bigger when they wank you off.
(Monkey Festerer, Sun 14 Jan 2007, 19:42, Reply)

When making hot chocolate
put the powder into the bottom of the mug, and then add a little milk. Stir into a thick paste (adding more powder if required, better have more powder than lots of milk). Add hot water, and it should be much fluffier and tasty then if you just add water straight to powder.
( NinjaBadger hides in the bushes and gives you TB., Fri 5 Jan 2007, 11:11, Reply)

Napalm Death

Just take your time, and don't get flustered, and you'll be able to make yourself understood.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 23 Dec 2006, 8:40, Reply)

Black ice problems?
Simply paint the road outside your house white, and the black ice will show up a treat.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Fri 22 Dec 2006, 9:41, Reply)

if your name is apeloverage or frankspencer...
...save valuable time by not posting 5,372 incomprehensible and disturbing answers to each QOTW.

Instead, post the ONE anecdote you have which is true, concise, well-paced and actually (surprisingly) hilarious.

This will allow people to enjoy your best work, without being forced to use the 'ignore' button just to make the board readable.
(no way hose is staring unemployment in the face on, Wed 20 Dec 2006, 12:28, Reply)

Stupidity
Top tip: Never advertise your party on myspace OR invite your 17 year old sister to said party (as she will do it for you)

Why? This will happen.

Play safe, kids.
(Marmite Omelette ...but I feel better having screamed, don't you?, Tue 19 Dec 2006, 22:03, Reply)

Loose motion?
Want to stop that chesty cough?

Drink a gallon of laxitive. You'll be too scared to cough in case you sh!t yourself.

(True)
(gronda_gronda I'm old, please speak slowly., Wed 13 Dec 2006, 12:55, Reply)

Worried
that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine?

Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.
(Biff..., Wed 13 Dec 2006, 11:47, Reply)

i learned this one last week...
if the girl you work with and also you fancy sits on your lap in front of everyone (including your boss) during the staff christmas night out, try and not to have a hard-on*

_{*unless she appreciates it}
(Claude Speed was a Roman called Claudius Speedicus, Tue 12 Dec 2006, 9:36, Reply)

racked with guilt about the cybersex you had
with an underage girl?

Don't be.


(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 8 Dec 2006, 15:08, Reply)

Tips for blaginging saxophone
learn G blues scale:
G, B flat,c, c sharp, d, f, f sharp, g

continue to go up and down said scale until punters drink themselves into a comma.

result? payment
works for me
(Orangeygoodness clicks cartoons hard, Thu 7 Dec 2006, 20:31, Reply)

I could copy and paste individual tips from here, then take the glory... as it is...
www.fortunecity.co.uk/meltingpot/jinx/399/jokes/Stupid/Viz_Top_Tips.html




(it show's I'm not all that fussed about you clicking "I like this" too - honourable me, you see)
(HairyBaldy, Thu 7 Dec 2006, 15:49, Reply)

In case you missed it last time I posted it....
Pearls of wisdom from my mates dad (about women):

"Remember son, rusty roof, smelly garage"

As true today as it ever was!
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 7 Dec 2006, 11:21, Reply)

Never eat an entire packet of extra strong mints at once....
...in the middle of a Physics lecture. The lecturer is bound to ask you something, and all you can do is dribble.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 7 Dec 2006, 10:08, Reply)

Top tip for tourists in London

It is customary to shake hands with every occupant of a tube train when entering the carriage.
(lozzzz, Wed 6 Dec 2006, 20:16, Reply)

Cure hiccups,
By sticking a finger up your arse.
(fannymcslap Slap my mcfanny, Tue 5 Dec 2006, 8:58, Reply)

sticks and stones...
will more than likely result in fractures/broken bones.
Name calling will not result in any physical damage to the skeletal system however.
(Handel blah blah blah, Mon 4 Dec 2006, 16:42, Reply)

run out of coathangers?
use a car aerial bent into the right shape instead.
(Handel blah blah blah, Mon 4 Dec 2006, 15:02, Reply)

Never..
rape an ant.
(Dekionplexis - Led Zeppelin - Immigrant Song, Mon 4 Dec 2006, 13:31, Reply)

Bedroom Tips
Bin Cosmo and read this ..
tweekerchick.blogspot.com/2006/11/so.html
( Far Out Slave last ate at, Mon 4 Dec 2006, 12:05, Reply)

Single men:
Put your condoms between two business cards to avoid having an unsightly ring embossed into the leather of your wallet.
( gronkpan @vomitinglarry.bsky.social, Mon 4 Dec 2006, 9:28, Reply)

Avoid people sitting next to you on the bus\train
maintain eye contact, smile and pat the seat next to you ;o)
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Mon 4 Dec 2006, 0:00, Reply)

How handy!
If you get stuck in an avelanche and don't know which way is up to crawl out then spit and gravity will draw the spit downwards.

If you need to run away from a crocodile then do it in a zig-zag as it slows it down.

Don't bother bellowing at the woman who answers the phone to your 118 query of why there aren't any pizza places open at 4.30 in the morning - it's not her fault. (Learnt this one today!)
( The Helpful Bear, Sat 2 Dec 2006, 14:17, Reply)

Rehydration (including hangover)
I was told by a childrens' nurse that instead of using Dioralyte rehydration salts she used a 50/50 mix of flat cola and water to achieve the same effect without the rank taste.
( CowJam, Sat 2 Dec 2006, 12:16, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Clear your stuffed nose
Press your tongue as hard as you can into the roof of your mouth then press your finger between your eyebrows and up a little bit. Do that ten or so times and stop and you should feel all that snot dribble down the back of your throat.
( CowJam, Sat 2 Dec 2006, 12:08, Reply)

Onions
Tired of onions making you cry ? DONT FUCKIN COOK WITH THEM !
(kitescreech still here, Sat 2 Dec 2006, 8:54, Reply)

Want to get rid of that hangover?
Avoid drinking five pints of wine the night before.
( Damien's Hearse, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 21:56, Reply)

Bored in a morgue?
That thing sticking out of the top of the dead woman's minge is a clitorus, and not a prawn.

Even if it tastes like one.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 17:48, Reply)

Onions, cupboards, kids.
Lock the kids in the cupboard and don't let them out until they've peeled those pesky onions.
( Paster of Muppets is an incredible screen name, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 17:36, Reply)

Eliminate blind spots while driving (and save your life!)
When you get in the driver's seat, put your head against the driver's side window. Adjust the driver's mirror so you can see the side of the car. Then move to the center between the front driver and passenger seat. Adjust the passenger mirror so you can see the other side of the car.

When you are driving, you will not see either side of the car in either mirror, but you will have an excellent view of both the right and left lanes behind you.
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 17:21, Reply)

This method to stop hiccupping works EVERY TIME
It sounds a little odd, but it really does work.

press one thumb against each nostril, so you cannot breath out of your nose. Then put a free finger in each ear. Now close your mouth and try to breath out as much as you can (you will look like pob at this point). Do this until you cannot carry on (about 20 seconds) and your hiccups will have stopped.
( mugatu, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 16:48, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Got Kids?
Instead of expensive cupboard locks, invite Ian Huntley for tea.
( Devon Dan without geometry, there would be no point, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 16:46, Reply)

Put party poppers on the top of garden canes
so you don't poke your eyes out when gardening.



True Top Tip from the pages of CHAT magazine.
( Ian Woosnam, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 16:42, Reply)

To avoid the embarrassing and often very audible 'splash' when you are laying a cable, simply line the toilet bowl with paper first.
( mugatu, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 16:40, Reply)

INVISIBLE GRAGGLE

( Cheers Cheers, Wed 15 Jun 2022, 20:15, 1 reply, 2 years ago)

Ladies
Pretend you're getting oral sex off of a robot by rubbing your fanny with the back of a spoon.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 21 Dec 2018, 19:05, Reply)

Magazine editors.
Make a few quid by suing websites that steal your feature ideas.
(97800, Sat 1 Sep 2018, 12:55, Reply)

Avoid being shot by not going to school in the USA

( social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Tue 20 Feb 2018, 20:07, 1 reply, 7 years ago)

Stop being disappointed by lowering your expectations

( social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Wed 31 Jan 2018, 21:13, Reply)